>FF7porn CLOUD: Ohmigod…that's the TITLE?! (He whimpers.) >Okay, this is quite graphic so acknowledge your well being for reading this. (Everyone sits in confused silence.) CALLIE: What the HELL was THAT?! MATT: By the time we get through, there'll be no well-being in THIS theater. >It's another day in the sunny Nibelheim. SELPHIE: As opposed to the hailing Nibelheim or the partly-overcast- with-a-chance-of-light-showers Nibelheim. >Now that meteor has been destroyed, SEPHIROTH: (grumbling) All that hard work for nothing… >Cloud finds time to Relax in his home SELPHIE: (Cloud) Ahh, time to shave my back! >but Tifa quickly barges in. CALLIE: (Tifa) Toot toot! Honk! >Tifa: "Mark! Mark! Come with me quick!" CLOUD: Um…who's Mark? (All of a sudden, there is a loud **POOF** and smoke fills the empty seat next to Cloud. Everyone coughs and shields their eyes, noses, and mouths from the acrid fumes.) (When the smoke clears, our unfortunate heroes see that a young man has apparently appeared with the smelly smoke.) (He looks exactly like Cloud, except with bright blue hair and glowing yellow Mako eyes. He also has a sick, demented smile.) YOUNG MAN: Well, hello. CALLIE: Who the heck are you? YOUNG MAN: Who, me? I'm Mark. I'm Cloud's evil clone. CLOUD: ANOTHER one?! MARK: Oh, yes. Only I'm much, much better than you. CLOUD: (Sarcastically) Wow, I BET. MATT: Hey, this is pretty cool! (He manfully shakes Mark's hand.) SELPHIE: So, Mark, you say you're an evil clone…what's that like? MARK: Kinky sex in a barbeque pit with many hot supermodels. CALLIE: You're automatically my hero. KEIRA: GET ON WITH IT! (Everyone cowers except for Mark, who smiles knowingly.) >Tifa runs out of the house and Cloud follows closely behind. MARK: (Cloud) And what a behind it is…! CLOUD: Oh, gawd… >Cloud: "Oh Great!" SEPHIROTH: (Real Cloud) Another %&^$ing evil clone?! MARK: What, am I not welcome? CALLIE: Yes you are. SEPHIROTH: I'm still eviler. CLOUD: NO, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME! MATT: Hell yeah you are! SELPHIE: I guesso. MARK: Majority rules, majority being…me. I'll stay. >Tifa goes inside her house as Cloud comes in right behind her and expecting to see A horrible tragedy. CALLIE: And indeed, there stood a naked, drunken Barret. (Everyone shudders…except Mark, who seems unfazed.) SELPHIE: (weakly) Syd Barret? >Tifa: "No I've gotya!" SELPHIE: Ummm…who's she talking to? MATT: She's schizo! SEPHIROTH: (Tifa; Norman Bates) Oh, GOD, Mother! >Tifa quickly slams the door shut ALL: (Tifa) NYAHAHAHAHAHAHA! >and no escape for Cloud is in sight. MARK: Panicked, Cloud attempted to stick his head in the sand, thinking he would be safe that way. (Cloud fumes silently.) >Cloud: "Got me for what?" CLOUD: (Tifa) Grammar lessons. You need 'em. >Tifa: "Oh come on! MARK: (Cloud) But I'm not ready yet! CLOUD: I would appreciate it if you didn't do that. MARK: I would appreciate a nice hot cup of coffee, but you don't see me bitching. >You don't know?" SELPHIE: (Cloud) Insert tab A into slut B… MATT: Oh, god, that's an old one. SELPHIE: Too bad, it fit :P CALLIE: Heh heh…it fit…get it? (Cloud slumps lower in his seat.) >Tifa prepares to remove her tight shirt. CALLIE: She handed Cloud a box of tissues first in case of excessive- anatomically-impossible-nudity-triggered nosebleed. SEPHIROTH: Such a thoughtful girl. >Cloud: ! "Oh, uh, well….um, do you think we should be doing this?" MARK: (Tifa) Hey, you can debate it all you want. I don't give a crap; I'm getting paid for every fifteen minutes. >Tifa: "After saving the world from meteor, I think that I should get to see your meteor." (There is an uncomfortable silence.) SELPHIE: Cloud…it's round and bulbous and trailing inert gases, then? CLOUD and MARK: NO! >(Author's note. Okay I know that was a bad euphamism, CLOUD: YES, it WAS! SELPHIE: It was also a bad way to spell "euphemism". >but just bare with it.) CALLIE: Ooooh, clever pun. MARK: Even more clever, since the author probably didn't intend for it to happen. >Cloud is reluctant but then begins to think: SEPHIROTH: Owww…poor Cloud! MARK: (Soothingly) There, there, Cloud dear. The pain will go away soon enough. >'What am I waiting for!' MATT: An engraved invitation, apparently. >Cloud throws Tifa on the bed CALLIE: Unfortunately, he has really terrible aim. MARK: (Tifa) Wheeeeeee-- **SMACK** Owww! My saline! >and he begins to remove Tifa's shirt for her. CLOUD: This is the kind of lemon that puts me off sex for life. >Cloud feels under her shirt SELPHIE: (Cloud) Um, Tifa, you have to take the Kleenex OUT of the box first… >and pulls it off slowly. ALL: TA-DA! >He can feel her warm jiggly boobs on his hands. MATT: ~ J-E-L-L-O!! ~ >Cloud: "Oh man, this is great." SEPHIROTH: (Cloud) It's great, it's great, it's just really really great! It's fantastical and fun! >Tifa then removes her bra to show her plump breast MARK: She only has one?! That is a weird, weird fetish. >perking out of her chest. CLOUD: Perking…I need some coffee… >Cloud begins to lick and suck on it. CALLIE: (Tifa) It's like sucking on a Tootsie Pop. MARK: (Cloud) **CHOMP** CALLIE: (Tifa) AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE! MARK: (Cloud) Sorry, I never could wait to get to the creamy center… (Cloud all of a sudden stands up and, with a ceremonious bow, disappears.) KEIRA: I thought maybe he was being too bitchy. SELPHIE: Thanks, Keira! CALLIE: I love Cloud, I really do, but sometimes he's no fun at all. >(Okay, now I'm going to skip MATT: --to my Lou! >to the part where their both naked and ready for some serious shit.) SEPHIROTH: Cloud and Tifa read Nietzsche, brushed up on their trigonometry, and meditated under a Boddhitsava tree for 49 days until they became enlightened. >Tifa: "Does Mr.Happy want me to do something to it?" MARK: Ooooh…is she retarded, or just plain farked in the head? MATT: Both, probably. >Cloud: "Oh baby." CALLIE: (Cloud; monotone) Oh baby oh baby oh baby oh baby oh baby… >Cloud is standing up beside thebed. SEPHIROTH: Huh?! When did they get to Greece? SELPHIE: Not "Thebes", silly, it's a typo. MARK: Too bad it's not Lesbos. **snicker** >Tifa slowly gets on her knees in front of Cloud. SELPHIE: (Cloud) I dub thee SIR Tifa… >Cloud's penis is a 8 inches MATT: You know, I'm kind of glad they didn't make it a grandiose length. SELPHIE: Yeah. The one realistic part of the fanfic; whoop-de-shit. >and hard as a rock. CALLIE: And since it's a meteor, it's MADE of rock! >Tifa slowly guides her warm moist MARK: --Bundt cake- >mouth on Cloud's Penis. SEPHIROTH: This story sucks **rimshot** (Everyone groans.) >She slowly strokes her mouth back and forth on it. MATT: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! CALLIE: My high school's boy's tennis team has shirts that say "Come and Watch Us Stroke It" on the back. Seriously. >Cloud: "Oh ya, MARK: (Cloud) Ja! Ja! Bork bork bork! >that's it baby. MATT: ~ Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know…this fanfic wasn't right, no… ~ >Suck on it." SELPHIE: There's an advertisement joke in there somewhere…if only I could recall… >Tifa starts to suck it even harder and harder. SEPHIROTH: And so does the fic. >Cloud puts his Hand on Tifa's head MARK: Oooh, a hermaphrodite! >and guides her SEPHIROTH: (Cloud) -and to your left, the famous Hollywood sign… >head in and out of his penis. MATT: O_O OW! (Mark winces.) (Sephiroth shudders.) CALLIE: That…sounds like it really, really hurts. >Cloud: "Suck on it harder baby." Tifa's mouth is now filled with Cloud's cock. CALLIE: Tastes like chicken! Get it? Cock…chicken… (Everyone groans again.) >She deep throats him MARK: Scully and Mulder were not pleased. >Down all the way down to the base of Cloud's penis. SEPHIROTH: What I wouldn't do for a well-written Crystal Knight lemon right now… >Cloud: "Oh fuck!! SELPHIE: Yeah, yeah, probably. >Oh God, that feels good. Are you going to swallow it baby?" CALLIE: Swallow a baby?! Is she Fat Bastard, or a gerbil?! >Tifa: "Oh ya, I love swallowing." MATT: (Tifa) Ja, ja! I love swallowing de meatballs at de smorgasbord! Bork bork! >Cum jolts out of Cloud'spenis and into Tifa's mouth. SEPHIROTH: She then dies of electrocution. >Tifa takes All of it in. Cumfloods in her mouth as she has difficulty keeping it all in as it keeps pouring in. MARK: Jeez, what is this guy, a sperm volcano? SELPHIE: Lemon Cliché #6546408896… >She swishes it around her mouth like a mouth wash MATT: Oh, yeah, THAT'LL give you minty-fresh breath if nothing else will… >and she finally swallow's it all except fromThe cum dripping down the sides of her chin. CALLIE: Got Semen? >Tifa: "Mmmm…..it taste so good. I love swallowing your cum." Cloud wipes off the Remaining cum off Tifa's chin with his finger, and Tifa licks off the cum with her tounge. SELPHIE: As opposed to licking it off with her pancreas. >Cloud: "Okay, that's it." MARK: (Cloud) I am NOT paying you for that! >Cloud pulls up his pants SEPHIROTH: (Cloud) **zzzzziiiip** AAAAAUGH! I'M CAUGHT! >and prepares to walk out of Tifa's home. Tifa: "What? How about me?" MARK: (Cloud) Tifa, your blowjobs are both literal and figural in accordance to your person. SELPHIE: (Tifa) How's that? MARK: (Cloud) You suck. >Cloud is now next to the door and Tifa is still on her knees Talking to Cloud while yet some cum is still dripping off her chin. MATT: Apparently, the author got come on his Caps Lock and it's sticking… >Tifa: "Don't I get any pleasure?" CALLIE: If she doesn't like giving head, why'd she do it? >Cloud: "No, now that I cummed, why would I do anything for you?" MARK: Ooooh, harsh! CALLIE: I never knew Cloud was so mean! >Tifa: "Oh, well…okay…Just call me over when ever you want your dick sucked." (Callie and Selphie scream obscenities at the screen and throw things.) >Cloud: "Ya, sure." SEPHIROTH: (Cloud) And ven in Sveden visit the lovely fjords. CALLIE: Llama. >Cloud leaves Tifa's home and Tifa is still on her knees with cum dripping off Her chin. MATT: (Tifa) This reminds me of the time I worked at the White House! >Tifa: "Damn it, I hate it when my breath smells like cum." SELPHIE: Well, for chrissakes, you SWILLED it! >Author's note: Okay,that was VERY graphic. CALLIE: No, that was VERY pathetic. >I know some of you are probably angry at me for Degrading Tifa so much, MARK: Actually, I'm disgusted that this was even posted anywhere. >but I just wanted to make a story that was totally un censored. MATT: Unintelligible, you mean? >If your offended, I'm not sorry for you. I gave you a clear and precise warning at the top. SEPHIROTH: Clear and precise?! Yeah, maybe if we spoke Dumbass, we would have understood that bastardization of a sentence… >If you're a guy and didn't Jack off to this story, your inhuman. SEPHIROTH: Oh, well, we knew that. MARK: Yeah, us inhuman people have no taste. >I had to stop and jack off to this numerous times. (Callie screams) MATT: TOO MUCH INFORMATION! >So tell me Whether or not you liked the story. CALLIE: Repulsive. SEPHIROTH: Retarded. MARK: Terrible. MATT: Stupid. SELPHIE: Duhh…me no can tell…duh...me IQ lower now from reading!