>(EDGAR, LOCKE, TERRA, SABIN and several Returners are at a table. Banon walks in and joins them.) BANON: Right... SELPHIE: No, it's actually all very, very wrong. >We all know that the Empire is using Magitek power in battle. The point is, how has the Emperor created it? CALLIE: Orange juice and gasoline! MATT: Is that obscure? CLOUD: kinda... CALLIE: Oh, come on, plenty o' people have seen Fight Club. >EDGAR: I had LOCKE look into the rumor that the Empire is forcing the world's finest scholars to study Espers. MATT: (Banon) And...? SEPHIROTH: (Edgar) He got bored and went out for pizza. Sorry. >LOCKE: All the trouble in Narshe is over an Esper, too... SELPHIE: Darn those pesky Espers! >TERRA: You mean there's some connection between Espers and Magitek? KYUKE: She's quick. >BANON: I can only recall one thing linking Espers with Magitek power... CALLIE: Duct tape! >EDGAR: You don't mean... MATT: (Edgar)...Elian Gonzalez?! AAAAAAAAUUUUUGH! >BANON: Indeed! The ancient War of the Magi... (Man) No! CALLIE: Yes! >(Man) It can't be! CLOUD: It can too! >LOCKE: My Grandma used to tell me stories about magical machines... Could they have been true? SELPHIE: (Banon) No, son. Your grandma was full of shit. CLOUD: (Locke) Then again, my grandmother was a senile delusional schizophrenic... >EDGAR: Could that ancient tragedy be playing out once again... BANON: It's just speculation... But historical studies have provided a number of conflicted and frightening theories... According to one theory, humans and machines were imbued with powers drained from Espers... SEPHIROTH: (Banon) Within minutes they voted for Ross Perot. It was truly tragic. >TERRA: That could explain Magitek power... CALLIE: I'm praying for someone to hit her and yell "Shut up, bitch!" >EDGAR: We can only fight Magitek enemies with Magitek weapons... BANON: It's risky, but if we have TERRA...speak with that Esper, it might just wake up... EDGAR: I wonder if that's wise...? KYUKE: (Edgar) I mean, honestly, sir, she's a blithering idiot. >BANON: Who can say? Regardless, we need TERRA's help. (LOCKE gets up and walks over to TERRA.) LOCKE: TERRA... MATT:(Locke) Are you even conscious? >TERRA: I'll do it! SELPHIE: (Terra) Cost ya a hundred big ones an hour, baby... >SABIN: What nonsense! You sound as if you're enjoying this! MATT: Terra may be stupid, but at least she doesn't say totally random things to no one in particular. >(The front door opens.) BANON: What? What's that noise? SEPHIROTH: (Locke) It's the pizza delivery guy. Jesus Christ, calm down! >(Man) Emergency! Sir Banon... (Man collapses.) CLOUD: (Man) The Heat Wave box was defective! >(Man) S...South Figaro... MATT: ~ FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGARO! ~ CALLIE: Goodness! MATT: Heehee, sorry...had to do that @_@ >BANON: What's going on? What happened? KYUKE: Jeez, that guy's REALLY old. SELPHIE: (Banon) Whazzat?! Huh? Who? What? Erm? Fuh? Kkkkkakaka? >(Continue with the next section.) ______________________________________________________________________ (Man) S...South Figaro... E...Empire...took Figaro... Coming...this way...unnnh... CALLIE: (Man) So...constipated...uuuuurgh... >BANON: They've found us... We haven't a moment to lose! SEPHIROTH: (Banon) Quick, everyone put on your drag! >EDGAR: LOCKE! KYUKE: Seriously though, does Edgar whine through the WHOLE game? CALLIE: As far as I know...yeah. KYUKE: Dammit... >LOCKE: I know... "Someone" has to sneak into South Figaro and slow the Empire down, right? SELPHIE: (Edgar) Yup. Nice knowing ya. >EDGAR: That's right up your alley! CALLIE: WHOOOO! Yaoi fic! CLOUD: CALLISTA!!!!!! MATT: Wild monkey butt love! Yessss! CLOUD: Good lord, whyy...? >Good luck! SELPHIE: (Edgar, muttering)...schmuck. >LOCKE: TERRA... Please wait for me... And...please...don't let a lecherous young king, who shall remain nameless, near you! ALL: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! >EDGAR: LOCKE!!! (EDGAR huffs and pouts.) CLOUD: (Edgar, whining) Llockeeeee, you're so meeeeeeeeeean! Waaah... >SABIN: Big brother...Aren't you EVER going to grow up? SEPHIROTH: (Edgar) NO! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! **thbbpt** >BANON: What're we going to do? MATT: (Random Returner) Eh, just let the dumb bitch and the whiny guy do the dirty work and we can go play Pong. >EDGAR: We'll escape down the Lete River, and make our way to Narshe. I want to see that Esper for myself... SELPHIE: (Edgar) I hear it looks like a naked babe! >BANON: Right. There's a raft by the back entrance. It's a gamble, CALLIE: Hey, Setzer's not in this yet! >but we're fresh out of options... (EDGAR talks to TERRA.) MATT: (Edgar) Duh. SELPHIE: (Terra) .... MATT: (Edgar) Hee hee! Duh, hur hur! SELPHIE: (Edgar) ....hee hee.... MATT: (Edgar) Uh...heh heh...uhhh... SELPHIE: (Terra) ...... ..... ...... ..... MATT: (Edgar) Um, did you fart? SELPHIE: (Terra) .... ....sorry.... >EDGAR: You're in danger here. Come with us to Narshe. You'll probably MATT: (Edgar) ...be killed anyways, but who gives a shit? >even gain some understanding of your abilities... SEPHIROTH: Terra will begin to comprehend her own budding sexuality! >BANON: We've no time to dilly-dally. CLOUD: However, there was plenty of time for a good dingie-foodle. >Let's make for Narshe! KYUKE: I wanna shake and bake for Narshe! (Everyone groans) >______________________________________________________________________ (At the back entrance. A raft is tied on the bank of the river rapids.) SELPHIE: Wait, wait, so it's tied to the WATER? SEPHIROTH: on the BANK of the river rapids, stupid. SELPHIE: -_- Bite me. >Here we go! This raft'll take us to Narshe! (All hum the Indiana Jones theme) >(EDGAR, TERRA, SABIN and Banon jump on.) MATT: ...each other? Whoo hoo, orgy! Speaking of Orgy... (he turns to Callie) Jay's hotter! CALLIE: (scowling) Robert Smith is so much hotter than Jay! MATT: Is not! CALLIE: is too! MATT: IS NOT!!! CALLIE: IS TOO!!! MATT: IS NOT IS NOT IS NOT IS NOT IS NOT! CALLIE: IS TOO IS TOO IS TOO IS TOO IS TOO! MATT: JAY! CALLIE: ROB! MATT: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! CALLIE: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB! SEPHIROTH: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP! (Callie and Matt look scared and clam up immediately.) SEPHIROTH: Thank you. Now, can we control the in-jokes and petty bickering? (Callie and Matt nod meekly.) SEPHIROTH: Good. >(MOG runs out for some gameplay info.) KYUKE: Augh! I hate this annoying little fucker! >MOG: Head toward Narshe, but protect Banon at all costs. If Banon is put out of commission, your journey's over. CLOUD: Do not pass Narshe, do not collect two hundred GP. >______________________________________________________________________ (Further down the rapids, the raft stops. A purple octopus approaches the raft.) What? WHAT IS IT? CALLIE: Gerald the Gay Pride Gastropod! >(Battle with Ultros begins.) ULTROS: Uwee hee hee... Game over! Don't tease the octopus, kids! MATT: Oooh, that's dirty! >(Some comments that Ultros says during battle:) Seafood soup! CALLIE: I'm a vegetarian. >Muscle heads...hate 'em! SEPHIROTH and CLOUD: HEY! >Yaaooouch! Seafood soup! MATT: Brought to you by the Repetitive Department of Repeating Repetition Repeatedly Department of Repeating Repetitiously. KYUKE: Ow. >Delicious morsel! Let me get my bib...! SELPHIE: PERVERT!!! >(The battle ends.) CLOUD: Just randomly and anticlimactically. No big deal. >ULTROS: Th...that's all, friends! SEPHIROTH: (Ultros; Porky Pig) Ibbidy ibbidy ibbidy, uh, that's all, folks! >(Ultros dives.) SABIN: I guess we thrashed it. SELPHIE: (British) Yes! We've thrashed it good and proper! >EDGAR: Don't bet on it...... It's probably just hiding from us...... TERRA: Ewww!! Something's stuck to my leg! KYUKE: (Edgar) Sorry, my aim was off. CLOUD: EW!!! KYUKE, THAT IS DISGUSTING! KYUKE: Well, DUH. >EDGAR: TERRA! Over here! BANON: It's alright now. CLOUD: (Banon) It's alright now. For I am Banon, and I said so. >SABIN: Watch out! I'm going to hit it with a Blitz! MATT: (Edgar) Um, Sabin, the battle's over...Sabin? Dude? >EDGAR: No! SABIN!! SELPHIE: (Edgar) YOU FRICKIN' IDIOT! >SABIN: Don't distract me, brother!! CLOUD: (Sabin) I MUST...I MUST...I MUST INCREASE MY BUST! >(SABIN goes flying off the raft and comes down in the water.) CALLIE: (Terra) ...my goodness, I feel smart now. >EDGAR: He's always been a tad zealous...... SELPHIE: Eddie, you're too kind. WAY too kind. >TERRA: SABIN......!!! BANON: Don't worry about him! EDGAR: Are you sure he's okay, Banon? SEPHIROTH: (Banon) How the hell would I know? Moron... >BANON: You should know better than any of us! Any moment he'll flop right onto the raft! SABIN: What the...! (SABIN comes flying out, but doesn't land on the raft.) CALLIE: **crunching noise** (Terra) EEEEEEE! MATT: (Sabin) Sorry, was that YOUR ribcage? >BANON: ...... ...... CLOUD: Uh oh! Someone switched Terra and Banon's cue cards! >EDGAR: Seems a little too perky...... Ha...! SELPHIE: Oh, ew, Edgar! SEPHIROTH: Sheesh, yeah, stop PLAYING with yourself, man! >TERRA: SABIN!!!! KYUKE: (Terra) I LOVE YOU!!!! >EDGAR: SABIN!!!! Take care of yourself! CLOUD: (Edgar) DON'T TAKE ANY WOODEN NICKELS! >(Battle background ends.) SABIN!!! SELPHIE: That was said by...who? >(SABIN and the rest of the party are separated by the river.) ______________________________________________________________________ >(MOG runs out for some gameplay info.) KYUKE: AAAARGH! FUCK YOU!! (throws a tomato at the screen) CLOUD: Jeez, Kyuke, calm down... KYUKE: **pantpant** Damn ugly marshmallow bastard... (The tomato is absorbed by the screen and the game goes on.) >EDGAR and TERRA rave MATT: WHOOOOOO! Get out the roofies and glow-in-the-dark pants! >toward Narshe while protecting Banon... ...but what about SABIN, who was swallowed by the raging waters...? ALL: WHO CARES? >And... (Everyone waits.) CLOUD: Um.... SELPHIE: Yup... SEPHIROTH: Alrighty then! >how is Locke faring, after having penetrated the Empire's defenses in South Figaro... CALLIE: Insert Celes joke here. >Is all going according to plan...? ALL: HOPE NOT! >Choose a scenario...kupo! KYUKE: GO KUPO YOURSELF!