>(At the Returner Hideout. A man is at the entrance.) (Man) King EDGAR! This way, please! (EDGAR follows the man to a room.) CALLIE: It was a torture chamber, and he was immediately impaled upon a red-hot poker. SELPHIE: Eeeeeeew! >(Banon's chambers.) SEPHIROTH: Banon was online, hacking into secret government files and cybering in binary... >EDGAR: Banon! We brought the girl with us. BANON: Is she the girl who can talk to Espers...?! TERRA: Espers...? CLOUD: (Edgar) I'm sorry, sir. We couldn't find a brighter one. >EDGAR: Seemed the Empire had complete control over her. KYUKE: Ooooh, kinky...! >BANON: Carrier pigeons brought word that she wiped out 50 of the Emppire's best soldiers in a few minutes. TERRA: That's a lie!!! SELPHIE: (Terra) It was fifty-TWO of the best! CLOUD: (Terra) Damn, I'm good! >LOCKE: TERRA! SEPHIROTH: JANET! CALLIE: DR. SCOTT! CLOUD: JANET! CALLIE: BRAD! KYUKE: ROCKY! MATT: ... SELPHIE: We do that too often. I call no more "JanetDoctorScottJanetBradRocky..." scenes. MATT: That's a long word O_O >EDGAR: Banon! She doesn't remember ANYTHING! CALLIE: (Edgar) I whine a lot! >BANON: Stay where you are! (Banon approaches TERRA). SEPHIROTH: (Crocodile Hunter) Way-ow! Looka' that! I'in she BAYOOTEEFUL? Now oi'm gonna get up real close... >BANON: Perhaps you've heard this story? MATT: ~Well, let me tell you a story 'bout a man named Jed, a poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed... ~ >Once, when people were pure and innocent, there was a box they were told never to open. But one man went and opened it anyway. He unleashed all the evils of the world: envy...greed... pride... violence... control... CALLIE: Not to mention TRUE evil, like the Backstreet Boys... SEPHIROTH: Rush Limbaugh... CLOUD: Cafeteria food... MATT: Brussels sprouts... KYUKE: Inflation... SELPHIE: ...and Sailor Mercury! >All that was left in the box was a single ray of light: Hope. MATT: ~Quicker than a ray of light...~ KYUKE: Is there a reason you actually did sound like Madonna there? MATT: Dramatic effect. >TERRA: ...... CLOUD: She's so articulate! SEPHIROTH: I dunno...she's a bit wordy for my tastes... >BANON: We now confront those evils... And you are that last ray of light, our only hope... CALLIE: I call no Obi-Wan Kenobi jokes. >EDGAR: Banon! SELPHIE: (Edgar) Put your pants back on! >BANON: I'm so tired... CALLIE: So that's why his pants were off... CLOUD: CALLISTA! >Let me rest a while. ______________________________________________________________________ >(TERRA wakes up and gets out of bed. LOCKE is in the same room.) ALL: WHOOHOO! MATT: (Chef) They made sweet love down by the fireplace! >LOCKE: Someone important to me was jailed by the Empire. I've hated the Empire ever since... I joined the Returners when I realized the Empire was rotten to the core. I wanted to make a difference. SEPHIROTH: (Locke) Then I decided to quit whining and get a life. KYUKE: (Terra) Still workin' on it, huh? SEPHIROTH: (Locke; ashamed) Well, it's hard for me. >TERRA: But...I have no significant "other" in my life... CALLIE: Are you surprised? You barely ever speak! >LOCKE: That's not entirely true. MATT: (Locke) I mean, we just DID it and everything, after all... >Besides, I'm sure there are people who feel YOU'RE important to them! They are counting on you... KYUKE: Poor fools. SELPHIE: Anyone here actually like Terra? ALL: No. >(TERRA leaves the bedroom and walks around the Hideout.) (Returner) We're a small organization now, but our membership is starting to soar. MATT: (returner) Thanks to these spiffy demonic charms, we'll rule the universe! Yay! >(Or if you've already talked to everyone,) Banon? He went outside a moment ago. (Returner) (If you speak to this one after talking to Banon and rejecting his offer once,) I understand your unease. But even as we speak, innocent lives are being lost... Please. We need your abilities. This relic will keep you safe. (Received Genji Glove.) We truly need your help! (Otherwise,) Please join us in our battle! (Returner) The Empire is arresting Returners everywhere. We need to discover some means of fighting back, or... KYUKE: (Returner; Hannibal Lecter)...they'll eat our livers with some Farva beans and a nice bottle of Chianti **slurpslurpslurp** >SABIN: The only thing I can add is CALLIE: (Sabin) 1 and 1...you get 11! Duh huh huh... >that you can trust my brother implicitly. CLOUD: (Sabin) ...**snicker** >He's always been fair with me. SELPHIE: (Sabin) He let me out of the basement twice a week and didn't even let the rats eat my food! >You can trust him, TERRA... But don't you DARE tell him I said that! (SABIN laughs.) SEPHIROTH: (deadpan) Damn, that's funny. I've never heard anything that side-splitting hysterical in all my born days. >EDGAR: It's gonna be tough to talk you into helping us... If we push too hard, we're no different than the Empire... So we want you to make up your own mind. **pause** CLOUD: (Edgar) Oh please please PLEASE please join pretty lady oh please oh PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! >BANON: Have you made a decision? Will you become our last ray of hope? KYUKE: (George Bush) A thousand tiny points of light. SELPHIE: (George W. Bush) Shiny things good! >(If you choose no, go to Sub-Scenario A. If yes, go to Sub-Scenario B.) ______________________________________________________________________ (Sub-Scenario A.) CLOUD: Sink the Red Submarine? >(First time you choose no,) I see... MATT: (Banon) Well, then we'll just have to kill you, now won't we? >(Second time,) I thought as much... (Third time,) MATT: ~ Once...twice...three tiiiiimes a lady... ~ >You're sure about this? (TERRA walks inside.) TERRA: Hope... How can anyone put their hope in me? CALLIE: Saw off the top of your head, eat your brain while you're still alive, and shove the hope in. Tee hee! CLOUD: Not only was that not funny, it's convinced me to take away your Thomas Harris books. CALLIE: NEVER!! Hannibal Lecter IS my love god! MATT: O_O I cannot compete with that. SEPHIROTH: Callista, that is gross. >BANON: What's going on? What happened? SELPHIE: (Banon) Huh? Er? What? Duh? **twitch** >(A wounded man comes in and collapses.) SEPHIROTH: So dramatically, too. >BANON: Someone did a number on him... CALLIE: The tango! >(Skip Sub-Scenario B and continue.) _____________________________________________________________________ (Sub-Scenario B.) (TERRA says yes.) KYUKE: (Locke) Whoohoo! Locksta's getting' LAID tonight! >BANON: You will? Really!! SELPHIE: (Banon) Yippee skippee! >TERRA: But... I'm scared... CLOUD: Yeah, and you're using up all the periods, too! >(If TERRA accepted the Genji Glove earlier,) BANON: If everyone works together we'll be successful. SELPHIE: There is no "I" in "TEAM"! MATT: But there is a "Me"... >(Else,) BANON: The person who possesses the relic need not fear harm. CALLIE: Unless you steal it from a grave, put it on, meet up with a guy in a bar in New Orleans who says he'll tell you all about it, have a kinky three-way with him, and end up all dead and drained. CLOUD: No more Poppy Z. Brite, either. CALLIE: I need the obscurity factor. >BANON: Please, Terra... I'd like you to take it with you. TERRA: What is this??? SEPHIROTH: Your mother. >BANON: A lucky charm. Take it! MATT: Hearts and stars and clovers! Diamonds and blue moons! Pots of gold and rainbows, and me red balloons! ALL: THEY'RE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS! >(Received Gauntlet.) SELPHIE: Ew, that game sucks! >BANON: I have a plan! Please get everyone together! MATT: ~ Come together! Right now! ~ ______________________________________________________________________