>EDGAR: Bravo, Figaro!!! CLOUD: Matt, don't sing it again. MATT: I won't, I WON'T...! >KEFKA: Son of a submariner! SEPHIROTH: (Kefka) Shoot-dang! CLOUD: Son of a WHAT? ALL: Damn translators! >They'll pay for this... SELPHIE: With American Express. >(EDGAR, LOCKE and TERRA ride off.) ______________________________________________________________________ (EDGAR, LOCKE and TERRA are still riding off on their Chocobos.) KYUKE: And that line must be the road they traveled. CALLIE: Wow, an actual line joke! >LOCKE: This is great!! SEPHIROTH: (Locke) My gender-identitity problems are almost cured! >TERRA: Was that a bad person? (Callie snorts.) MATT: (Edgar) No, it was an Avon lady...of COURSE it was a "bad person", you stupid bitch! >I... I'm scared... SELPHIE: You're...you're worthless... CLOUD: So, you guys don't like Terra? CALLIE: Love her. MATT: Fabulous character. SELPHIE: Really. >EDGAR: TERRA, there's someone I'd like you to meet...! SEPHIROTH: (Edgar; makes a zipper noise) His name is Mr. Happy! Would you like to say hello to Mr. Happy? CLOUD: SEPHIROTH! >LOCKE: We're members of the Returners. KYUKE: (Locke) We WILL avenge all overdue library books! >EDGAR: Our mentor, Banon, would certainly like to meet you. MATT: (Edgar) But not as much as Mr. Happy would. SEPHIROTH: HOORAY FOR PENISES! CLOUD: MATTHEW! SEPHIROTH! That is quite enough of THAT! CALLIE: (cheerfully) Dick! (Cloud hides under his seat.) KYUKE: Excitable bunch, aren't you? SELPHIE: HELLLLLLLLLLL YA! >EDGAR: "Magic" is going to be the key to winning this war. TERRA: "Magic"... CLOUD: (Terra) Card geek! CALLIE: (Terra) Go sit in the school library with the rest of the dirty people who do that sort of activity! MATT: That is the most obscure thing I have ever heard you riff with. >EDGAR: TERRA has magical powers. That Esper seemed to react with her. SEPHIROTH: It's an allergic reaction to abject doofiness. >Can there be some connection? TERRA: I haven't the foggiest! CALLIE: I'm not at all surprised! >It just seems natural to me that I have MATT: Huge, bouncing... (Cloud seems to have grown six feet as he leaps onto his seat and brandishes Ultima Weapon over Matt's head threateningly.) MATT: ...babies! Yeah! ~ I was a bouncing baby...I fell down...I looked around...~ (Cloud sits down.) SELPHIE: Saved your ass with an obscure song quote. I'm impressed! >the use of this power... EDGAR: But no HUMAN is born with the powers you seem to have, and... (TERRA stops abruptly. CLOUD: She needs to be wound again. >EDGAR and LOCKE stop, and ride back to her.) EDGAR: I apologize. KYUKE: (Edgar) I didn't mean to call you a freakish quasi-human. KEIRA: But Kyu-kun, you ARE a freakish quasi-human! KYUKE: I'm fully vampiric, dammit. -_-; >TERRA: What should I do...? CALLIE: Kill yourself! SEPHIROTH: Become a stripper! CLOUD: Sit under a tree and become enlightened! MATT: Go raving! SELPHIE: Go stark raving mad! KYUKE: Get drunk and pass out! >EDGAR I'm sure the Empire is going to come after you... If they get CALLIE: (Edgar) ...a load of those melons... >their hands on you again, CLOUD: Don't try it. KYUKE: As if I'D stoop so low. MATT: I would! CALLIE: Me too! (Sephiroth and Selphie nod affirmatively.) >the world's finished... TERRA, you want to CLOUD: (Edgar) ...be my steady? KYUKE: ~Hi Susie!~ SEPHIROTH: ~Hi April!~ KYUKE: ~What's the story morning glory?~ SEPHIROTH: ~What's the word hummingbird?~ KYUKE: EDGAR FIGARO AND TERRA BRANFORD JUST GOT PINNED! (Sephiroth screams like a little girl.) MATT: But what if she goes around kissing other guys? CALLIE: (Edgar) I'll have you know I'm quite upset! I've already had two headaches and a nosebleed! SELPHIE: The "Bye Bye Birdie" sketch, ladies and gents! >understand your own powers, right? CLOUD: (Terra) Aw, what the hell do I care?! >EDGAR: Then I think we need to consult with Banon. KYUKE: As a fashion consultant? SELPHIE: (Banon) Flowing beards are SO in for fall! >TERRA: ...... LOCKE: Please... MATT: (Locke) Please stop that stupid "meaningful silence" crap! >EDGAR: OK! CALLIE: (Edgar) Okay! I'll pretend that we all just actually decided something, and push ahead with whatever plan I had! >To the south there's a cave that leads to South Figaro. MATT: ~ Goin' down to South Figaro, gonna have myself a time... ~ > ______________________________________________________________________ (At the entrance to the tunnel.) (Soldier) King EDGAR! Where are you headed? SEPHIROTH: (Soldier) What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favorite color? >EDGAR: Through the cave, and eastward to South Figaro. EDGAR: Return to the castle, and tell the others we're safe. CLOUD: Wait, so WHICH one are they doing? SELPHIE: (Terra) I haven't the foggiest! >(Soldier) Yes, Sir! Take care! >______________________________________________________________________ (At the lone house.) EDGAR: Hm... What's that smell...? KYUKE: Jesus, Terra! Get some Gas-X! >EDGAR: Flowers... His favorite... EDGAR: These dishes! They were his favorite! CALLIE: (Edgar) He used to smash them all the time! >EDGAR: And this... His favorite tea... MATT: His %^$%%^ tea? SEPHIROTH: Naw, it was just GODDAMN tea. >EDGAR: SABIN...he was...here?! KYUKE: AAAIIIEEEE! DIE, POWER RANGERS, DIE! CALLIE: That's Sab-AN. KYUKE: Whatever. >______________________________________________________________________ (Outside the house. EDGAR sees a man.) CLOUD: A manly man, a man in tights. >EDGAR: What the... SEPHIROTH: (Edgar) Holy shit! It's Jimmy Hoffa! >EDGAR: You know this guy? SELPHIE: Um, which guy would that be again...? >(Man) Of course. He left a couple of days ago after he heard Master Duncan was slan. CLOUD: After he was slan, people were sad that Duncan had ded. The decded to remember hm at a ggantc funeral where they set hm on fre lke a Vkng. MATT: That was really lame, Cloud, omitting all the "i"s. CLOUD: You mean, omttng all the " "s? MATT: **sigh** >He headed into the mountains I heard Duncan's son, Vargas, is missing as well. I have a bad feeling about this. HAN SOLO'S VOICE: Hey! >(Man leaves.) MATT: For he is Tree-Man. **rimshot** >______________________________________________________________________ >(In the tavern in South Figaro. There is a man dressed in black and a huge dog at the bar.) CALLIE: Marilyn Manson and Britney Spears? >(Man) ... . LOCKE: At the very least you could give me a response... KYUKE: (Man) I will not buy your Girl Scout cookies. >EDGAR: Stand back! SELPHIE: (Edgar) I will use my MACE on him! >He seems vaguely familiar... Wait a minute...! CALLIE: (Terra) Isn't he that guy who was in the 3-way with us, Eddie-poo? >He owes allegiance to no one, and will SEPHIROTH: ...pledge to no man's flag! >do anything for money. He comes and goes like the wind... (Name the man.) CALLIE: Gee, whose turn is it? CLOUD: Yours. CALLIE: Vincent Valentine Jr. VINCENT'S VOICE: ...another sin has been heaped upon my soul... >EDGAR: That's SHADOW...! SELPHIE: ...he said in awe as Locke made the birdie fly. >He'd skut gus mama's throat for a nickel! KEIRA: Whoops, something's on the lens... CALLIE: Gus Mama? Any relation to Joe Mama? >He'd slit his mama's throat for a nickel! CALLIE: Nice boy... KYUKE: Mother's Day must suck at his house. >LOCKE: Better steer clear of him, I guess. SHADOW: Leave us. The dog eats strangers... CALLIE: (Britney Spears) Like, my uncle says I'm the best! Tee hee and duh! >______________________________________________________________________ (In the basement of the tavern. A merchant is there.) (Merchant) Outta the way! I gotta get this cider over to the old man! That's my job! Now scram! KYUKE: (Merchant) Yah! Stay the hell away from my minimum wage, bitch! >(The merchant picks up a bottle of cider and leaves with it.) CLOUD: (dumb voice) I will love it and squeeze it and call it George. >______________________________________________________________________ (In the old man's house. The merchant is giving the cider to the old man.) MATT: Is that a euphemism? CLOUD: Eeeew >_< >(Merchant) I'm off work. Get lost! SELPHIE: Somebody needs his MIDOL! >(Merchant goes back to the tavern.) (Old Man) I don't like strangers. Bring me some cider, and maybe I'll talk to you. CALLIE: See, the problem was that you can't actually ACCESS that part of the game at this point, so I always wondered why the hell Square would scare us all and make us think that it was something we could do and run back and forth to the tavern and the Old Man's house a billion times screaming in frustration when really all along you couldn't- (Matt gently covers her mouth.) MATT: It's okay, honey. >______________________________________________________________________ >(In the rich man's bedroom in his house.) CLOUD: (deep voice) BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG PIMPIN'! (Everyone gives him an odd look.) >(Man writing.) Attack from the east. KYUKE: What is that, haiku? CALLIE: Classic Squaresoft game Made for Super NES I likey mucho (Everyone claps as Callie bows slightly) CLOUD: Bimbo hentai girl Riffs like a whorehouse madam Wash her mouth out now CALLIE: HEY! >That way, (Man) ......?! Hey! Whaddaya think you're doin'? Barging in here while I'm trying to write a letter! MATT: (Man) Just because I leave my doors unlocked and my windows open?! >Harumph! Oh, uh, sorry... Even a millionaire can be...startled. SELPHIE: I call no Regis Philbin jokes. >(Man's Wife) There's always a nasty draft in this room. KYUKE: (Locke) Tee-hee, I farted! >Where's it coming from? CALLIE: Uranus! CLOUD: CALLISTA!!!! >______________________________________________________________ (On Mt. Kolts. EDGAR, LOCKE and TERRA find Vargas.) SEPHIROTH: (Terra) Hey, it's that place from "Showgirls!" >VARGAS: SABIN sent you, right? LOCKE: Who're YOU? CALLIE: (Vargas) The fastest mouse in all Mexico! >EDGAR: SABIN? Is he here? LOCKE: You were shadowing us earlier, right? CLOUD: (Vargas) You betcha! First I did a duck, then I did a bunny... >VARGAS: Brilliant! SELPHIE: ACTING! CALLIE: BRILLIANT! SELPHIE: THANK YOU! CALLIE: **slaps Selphie** SEPHIROTH: Nope, no one'll get that... >VARGAS: And how unlucky it is that you have run into me...! KYUKE: ...says the man to the truck. >(Battle with Vargas begins.) VARGAS: Enough!! Off with ya now! (Voice) Give it up, VARGAS! MATT: Give it up now, WOOT WOOT! DJ Funky Kusanagi Cheese is in da hizzouse fo' shizzle! Callie: -_-;; >(SABIN arrives.) VARGAS: Is that you, SABIN?! SABIN: Vargas, why'd you do it? How could you do your own father in like that?! SEPHIROTH: (Vargas) Well, it was prophecied by the great Oracle of Delphi that one day I would kill my father and marry my mother... >VARGAS: Fool! He made the mistake of choosing you as his successor! He snubbed me, his only son! SELPHIE: (Sabin) Um, maybe if you hadn't always chased him around screaming "DIE, DADDY! DIE, YOU BASTARD!" he might have liked you a bit more... >SABIN: No! You were the one he chose! MATT: ~You are...my fire...the one...desire...~ (Everyone else screams) >VARGAS: You're a liar! CALLIE: ~ Liar liar, you got your pants on fire...liar liar hanging by the telephone wire, now you're a goddamn motherfucking liar... ~ MATT: hey! CALLIE: Well, we needed Bikini Kill in here SOMEWHERES. >SABIN: Our Master wanted you to be his successor, not me. He CLOUD: (Sabin) ...smelled like old cheese! >appreciated your fine spirit...... KYUKE: Legend of Drunken Master >VARGAS: Enough of your lies! SEPHIROTH: (Vargas, Dr. Evil) I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR INSOLENCE! >Now, have a taste of my superior (Everyone laughs hysterically except for Cloud, who just grits his teeth and sighs grimly.) >technique! Mortal Attack! Blizzard Fist! CALLIE: Starlight Therapy Honeymoon Kiss! >(Everyone else but SABIN is blown away from the battle.) MATT: He's a bit chunkish. >VARGAS: Ahh, Sabin! The master taught you well! SELPHIE: (Emperor Palpetine) Now strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey towards the Dark Side will be complete... >SABIN: I guess there's no avoiding this! KYUKE: (Sabin) I must MAMBO! >VARGAS: Fate made us train together, and fate will send you to your doom! CLOUD: (Vargas) Hasta la bye-bye, pumpkin head! >VARGAS: Phew... I tire of this! CALLIE: Gee, he's lazy! >(SABIN uses Pummel on VARGAS.) VARGAS: He...he taught you that one already...?! SABIN: If only you hadn't been in the rush for power... (VARGAS vanishes. The battle ends.) SEPHIROTH: (flatly) Out come the cheerleaders and the big brass band. Whoopee. >EDGAR: SABIN!!! MATT: JANET! CALLIE: DR. SCOTT! SEPHIROTH: JANET! CALLIE: BRAD! KYUKE: ROCKY! CLOUD: ... MATT: JANET! CALLIE: DR. SCOTT! SEPHIROTH: JANET! CALLIE: BRAD! KYUKE: ROCKY! CLOUD: ... MATT: JANET! CALLIE: DR. SCOTT! SEPHIROTH: JANET! CALLIE: BRAD! KYUKE: ROCKY! CLOUD: ...you done yet? EVERYONE ELSE: Yup. >SABIN: Big brother? MATT: ...is WATCHING you! AHAHAHAHAHA! >LOCKE: The brothers are reunited! CALLIE: And there was much rejoicing. ALL: (flat) Yay. >TERRA: Younger..."brother"? At first glance I thought he was some bodybuilder who had strayed from his gym... KYUKE: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA--no. >SABIN: Bodybuilder?! (SABIN laughs.) SABIN: I'll...take that as a compliment... SEPHIROTH: (Sabin, muttering) Stupid fucking bitch slut ho skanky trollop... >SABIN: Anyway, brother, what are you doing here? EDGAR: We're on our way to the Sabil Mountains... SABIN: To the Returner Hideout, no doubt? CALLIE: (Edgar) Duh, no, to the Pizza Hut...where the hell d'you THINK? >SABIN: I've been watching from afar, hoping that SELPHIE: (Sabin) ...Terra and y'all would have a torrid sexual affair. CALLIE: (Sabin) I ever brought the good binoculars! >the world might regain some sanity... At this rate, Figaro will be reduced to a puppet state. SEPHIROTH: CLOUD'S ONLY A PUPPET! NYAAAAAH~! CLOUD: SO ARE YOU, BITCH! >_< >EDGAR: Our time to strike back has arrived. The Empire's going to pay for what it has done... KYUKE: This time, the checks won't bounce. >SABIN: Think a "bear" like me could help you in your fight? CLOUD: You mean a "pussy"? ALL: ooooh...! >EDGAR: You'd...join us? Sabin...!! MATT: (Edgar, whiny) Noooooooo! >SABIN: I think Duncan would rest easier if he knew his disciple CLOUD: ...already made the doughnuts! >played MATT: ...lacrosse! >a part in bringing peace to the world. LOCKE: Let's get going! CALLIE: (Terra) Sweet! I'll get the handcuffs! MATT: (Sabin) Strawberries are all mine! KYUKE: (Edgar) I'm in charge of candles! SELPHIE: (Locke) I'm your whips 'n chains man! SEPHIROTH: (Vargas) ...I...wanna...join... KYUKE: (Edgar) Ooooh, necrophilia! (Cloud slumps to the floor in exasperation.)