>(LOCKE and TERRA arrive at a dead end.) LOCKE: I think this switch'll... KYUKE: (Locke) Blow the whole fuckin' place to smithereens! >(A door opens.) (TERRA comes MATT; Screaming and moaning. >to.) LOCKE: Eh? You back with us now?! SELPHIE: (Locke) And we're back on the Locke Cole hour! Our first guest today is Miss Terra Branford! Miss Branford, it's so lovely to have you here. CALLIE: (Terra) Tee-hee! I'm on TV! (starts waving) HI, KEFKA! HI, EMPEROR GESTAHL! Hi, mom! >TERRA: You...saved me? (TERRA gets up.) LOCKE: Save your thanks for the Moogles! (TERRA crouches.) CALLIE: (Terra) DUCK! IT'S THE GESTAPO! SELPHIE: I thought it was Locke that was Jewish. CALLIE: Shhhh! >TERRA: Uhh...I can't remember anything...past or present. LOCKE: You have amnesia?! SEPHIROTH: (Terra) No, I have herpes. Of COURSE I have amnesia, dumbass! >(TERRA gets up.) MATT: ~ I get knocked down! Then I get up again! ~ >TERRA: A man said my memory would come back... KYUKE: (Terra) He also said he loved me, but he lied. HE LIED TO ME! (Mock-wails.) >LOCKE: Give it time. You're safe with me! I give you my word! SEPHIROTH: (Terra) No thanks, I prefer just using plain old Notepad. >TERRA: ??? MATT: Sorry, you don't gain that until you have the Enemy Skill materia. >LOCKE: I won't leave you until your memory returns!! By the way, this secret entrance might be useful some day. Don't forget about it! CALLIE: Gee, I wonder if that could be any less subtle. >(TERRA blinks.) SELPHIE: (Terra) And that, folks, is all I'm good for! >______________________________________________________________________ (At Narshe's gate, a Guard notices LOCKE and TERRA.) KYUKE: (Guard) Whoa-ho-hoa! Who's the babe with the bandana?! >(Guard) Eh? ...... MATT: ~ O, Canada... ~ >Who might you be? (LOCKE and TERRA hide behind the wall.) CALLIE: Until a big fat judge comdemns them for being themselves, the wall is broken down, and they end up shaving their heads down to almost nothing and starting their own Axis movement. MATT: Who'll get that? KYUKE: (British) HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR MEAT?! >LOCKE: This is the pits. SELPHIE: Why, is Jenny McCarthy in there? >We'd better hightail it southward, to Figaro. MATT: ~ FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGARO! FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGARO! FIGARO FIGARO FIIIIIGAAAAAROOOOOOO! ~ KYUKE: Good job, kid. MATT: I try. >______________________________________________________________________ (At Figaro Castle's gate.) (Soldier) Wait! Hey! SEPHIROTH: (Locke) Shit! I knew we should have disguised ourselves as a tour group! >Oh, it's you. Proceed. CHANCELLOR: It doesn't look like it, but this castle incorporates some of the most high-tech devices in existance. For example, CALLIE: (Chancellor) For example, we have designed a vibrator so advanced it could fit up Jennifer Lopez's ass. >... Oops... MATT: I'm not singing Clitney Shears. >they're all top-secret! SELPHIE: That colored popcorn? SEPHIROTH: No, that's POP Secret. >______________________________________________________________________ (Inside the throne room.) KYUKE: ...the king has run out of toilet paper. >MAN: You mean, THIS young woman...?! (Man stares at TERRA then walks away.) CALLIE: Ooooh! Rejected! >TERRA: Who do you think you are? MATT: ~ Whoooooo do you think you are? Ooooohhh...some kinda superstar? ~ >MAN: Oh...sorry! (Man turns around.) MAN: How rude of me to turn my back to a lady! SELPHIE: (Man) It's so rude, I'm gonna do it again! >The young king of Figaro Castle, ally to the Empire, and a master ALL: --bater! >designer of machinery... (Name the Man.) SEPHIROTH: Kyuke, it's your turn to name him. KYUKE: Okay, how about Napoleon? >EDGAR: I am EDGAR, King of Figaro. CALLIE: (Edgar) I feel the need to scream my name! >LOCKE: Surprised that someone like me knows a king? MATT: Not really. It IS an RPG; since when does anyone expect those to make sense? SELPHIE: Why would anyone be surprised? Is Locke really ugly and dirty and smelly and insane or something? >(EDGAR and LOCKE talk briefly.) KYUKE: (Edgar) You go for the ankles, then grab her tits. When she screams, I'll pour the vodka-roofie cocktail down her throat. >LOCKE: Talk to you later! SELPHIE: (Locke, snotty) Smell ya later! >(LOCKE leaves.) EDGAR: So...you're an Imperial soldier! No problem. Figaro and the Empire are allies! Please relax while you're here. SEPHIROTH: (Terra) Okay! (makes a farting noise) CALLIE: it IS Jenny McCarthy! >It's not in my blood to harm a lady. KYUKE: It's in my blood to suck one dry. >TERRA: Look, why are you helping me? Is it because of my... CALLIE: Tits. SEPHIROTH: Ass. KYUKE: Cleavage. MATT: Legs. SELPHIE: Super-strong tongue. >abilities? KYUKE: (Edgar) **snicker** >(EDGAR waves his finger.) MATT: Edgar, that's not a very romantic thing to suggest. CALLIE: Yeah, wait until she's drunk, THEN try that. >DGAR: I'll give you three reasons: First of all, your beauty has SELPHIE: (Edgar) ...made some plastic surgeons very rich men. >captivated me! Second...I'm dying KYUKE: (Edgar) ...and I don't want to die a virgin. >to know if I'm your type... (EDGAR walks away a bit.) EDGAR: I guess your...abilities...would be a distance 3rd. SEPHIROTH: I think he needs to prioritize. >TERRA: ......? What's with you, anyway? KYUKE: (Edgar) The Force! >EDGAR: Guess my technique's getting a bit rusty... CALLIE: (Edgar) Better go oil the ol' charm! >(EDGAR leaves.) TERRA: Hmmm... I suppose a normal girl would have found him dashing. But I'm hardly...normal... SEPHIROTH: Awww, poor Terra suffers from irregularity! MATT: And the heartbreak of psoriasis. >______________________________________________________________________ (About the castle.) SELPHIE: (Author) It SUCKS! >(Woman) Though EDGAR showers his attention on women, most are too smart to pay any attention to him. KYUKE: (Woman) Those who don't end up DEAD! >(Soldier) The Empire has smashed the three cities on the southern continent. MATT: Stupid cities! You go smash now! >Just a matter of time 'til SELPHIE: ...I make this here line rhyme. (Cloud comes back in.) CLOUD: SHE made me. (He sits down in the seat next to Matt) >they come up here... SEPHIROTH: They sing, they dance, they conceive... CALLIE: Another condom-deprived night at Castle Figaro. CLOUD: Condom-deprived KNIGHT is more like it. KYUKE: Lame. MATT: Well, it IS a castle... >______________________________________________________________________ (In EDGAR's chambers.) SELPHIE: They're roomy, comfy, and flannelette! MATT: Are you talking about underwear? SELPHIE: Yuppers! ^_^ >MATRON: SELPHIE: EDEA! >EDGAR has a twin brother. He was CLOUD: (Matron) ...a little bastard from hell, so I hacked him into little tiny pieces and flushed them all down the toilet. SEPHIROTH: She isn't the best babysitter. >such a nice boy... KYUKE: (Matron) So juicy and tender when barbecued... >______________________________________________________________________ (Flashback.) MATT: I knew I should have never taken that acid! >YOUTH: Brother, what's wrong with father? CALLIE: (Youth) He insists he's a magical girl who sailed on the moon a thousand years ago or something. Can we put the old coot to sleep now? That short-skirted fuku he wears really bugs me. >What's all this talk of his successor? SELPHIE: (Youth's brother) What do you think, dumbass?! >EDGAR: Are you blind? MATT: (Youth) ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF MY DISABILITY?! >Look how thin his face has become! CLOUD: (Youth) Yeah, I hear that Ultra Slim-Fast crap really works! >YOUTH: ? ...... What is it? SEPHIROTH: A diet aid. Jeez, don't you know ANYTHING? >YOUTH: Brother! MATT: ~ We are family! I got all my sisters and me! ~ >(EDGAR leaves.) KYUKE: Is that another euphemism for marijuana? >YOUTH: Tears......?! MATT: ~ Dry your teeeeeeaaarrrrssss...with looooooooove.... ~ CALLIE: No one will get that. >EDGAR's twinbrother, who traded the throne for his own freedom... (Name the Youth.) CLOUD: My turn. Let's call him Skimpy. >______________________________________________________________________ MATRON: Yes... His name is SABIN. SEPHIROTH: (Matron) He got kicked out of Figaro for making crappy TV programs. >Oh, he looked so like his father! CLOUD: (Matron) ...the poor dear. >When he ran away, he was a sweet little child. I wonder what he's like now? SELPHIE: (Terra) Is he the homeless drug addict with the sandwich board mugging for change outside the castle? >______________________________________________________________________ (Around the castle.) KYUKE: ...there is a lot of sand. >(Scholar) Scholars the world over are doing research on magic. CALLIE: (Scholar) They have no lives, you see. >Silly people, scholar... MATT: Silly willy nilly old intellectuals! >(Scholar) Long ago, a force called "magic" existed. People who used magic were called "Mage Knights." CALLIE: (Scholar) They "used" a "lot" of "quotation marks". >CHANCELLOR: The whole business of succession was so repugnant to SABIN, the King's brother, that he fled the castle forever. The succession was settled with a coin toss... CLOUD: A coin toss with one person?! SEPHIROTH: (Edgar) Heads, I win...tails, I...win again! >______________________________________________________________________ (In the throne room.) SELPHIE: The King of Figaro relaxes with his new copy of Consumer Reports. >EDGAR: Well? How do you like me castle? KYUKE: (Edgar, pirate) Now walk the plank, ye scurrrrrvey dog! Aaaarrrr, matey! >(Soldier arrives.) CLOUD: Hey! Seph and I are in this! >(Soldier) King Edgar! Someone from the Empire to see you! EDGAR: Probably Kefka! MATT: (Edgar) Oh, I hope I hope I hope oh please please PLEASE God please please please please PLEASE let it be Kefka! CALLIE: (Edgar) He's so KAWAII! >______________________________________________________________________ (Kefka and two Troopers in the desert outside the castle.) KYUKE: Doing something illegal in most US cities. >KEFKA: Phooey! Emperor's Gestahl's stupid orders! MATT: You go squish now! AGAIN! >KEFKA: EDGAR, you pinhead! Why do you have to live in the middle of nowhere? CLOUD: Ahhh, so the Hanson brothers are shacking up at Castle Figaro? >These recon jobs are the pits! KEFKA: Ahem...there's SAND on my boots! (Troopers clean off Kefka's boots.) SEPHIROTH: ...with their tongues. SELPHIE: (Kefka) There's SAND in my UNDERPANTIES now, too! >(Troopers) Yes, Sir! All set, Sir! CLOUD: Wait, Kefka wears panties?! CALLIE: Yup. CLOUD: Ouch. >(Kefka laughs maniacally.) CALLIE: AHAHAHAHAHHhehehehehehehKYAHAHAHAHAAA!!! SEPHIROTH: MWAHAHAHAHAA! CLOUD: .... MATT: G-hehehehehHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEE! AHAHAHAHA! SELPHIE: Tee hee hee! KYUKE: Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh! >KEFKA: Idiots! MATT; Hey, watch it, pansy! >(Kefka and the Troopers arrive at Figaro's gate.) (Soldier) Sir Kefka!? What on earth do... SEPHIROTH: (Soldier) ...you want to do on Friday night? My dad said I could borrow his car and there's a really KEEN open tournament at Bob's Bowl-A-Rama... >KEFKA: Outta my way! (EDGAR arrives.) (EDGAR talks to one Trooper.) SELPHIE: (Edgar) So, what's your sign? >EDGAR: I thought we were allies! What are you doing in my domain? CLOUD: (Trooper) Hacking. MATT: (Trooper) I wiLl Hax0r U!!!!!!~!~!~!~!! L/\MERZ!!!!@!!!@!@@! >(EDGAR talks to the other Trooper.) KYUKE: (Edgar) You've got a different sign than that guy...I hope? >EDGAR: Looking for more cities to destroy? CALLIE: (Trooper) Why, yes, act-HEY! >TROOPER: That's for us to know! MATT: (Trooper) And you to find out, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! >(EDGAR talks to Kefka.) SEPHIROTH: (Edgar) I'm dyin' here! Start talking them up for me! >EDGAR: What brings Kefka, humble servant to Emperor Gestahl, into our lowly presence? CLOUD: (Kefka) Boy Scout fundraising! Wanna buy some calendars? >KEFKA: A girl of no importance recently escaped from us. We heard she found refuge here... CLOUD: (Terra) SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY! >EDGAR: Hmm...this wouldn't have anything to do with this "witch" everyone's been whispering about, would it? MATT: (Kefka) Of course not. Now shut up before you say something that forces me to kill you. KYUKE: (Kefka, panicked) HER NAME ISN'T TERRA! >KEFKA: Lies! She...merely stole something of minor value. Is she here? EDGAR: That's a tough one! SELPHIE: ...Edgar said, attempting to chew his undercooked steak. >EDGAR: You see, there're more girls here than grains of sand out there. CALLIE: Then, that must be a fuckin' HUGE castle. >I can't keep track of 'em all! CLOUD: Luckily, Edgar put up a guestbook that day. >KEFKA: I'd hate to be you if we found out you're lying... Mwa, ha! SEPHIROTH: **sigh** He did it wrong! >(Kefka and Troopers proceed to leave.) KEFKA: I truly hope nothing happens to your precious Figaro...! (Kefka and Troopers leave.) KYUKE: Everything starts to smell better. >(EDGAR walks back, up to LOCKE.) LOCKE: I'd say that guy's missing a few buttons... MATT: (Edgar) Funny, he looked fully clothed to ME... CLOUD: (Locke, under his breath) The perfect politician. >EDGAR: ... Where's TERRA? CALLIE: (Locke) Ask the ancient Romans. >(TERRA comes out of the throne room door.) SELPHIE: A lingering stench follows her... MATT: I call no more throne room/bathroom jokes. SELPHIE: Oh, phooey! >EDGAR: Take her to her room... KYUKE: (Edgar) See that she is properly sedated and handcuffed. >(EDGAR talks to TERRA.) CLOUD: At the tender age of 21, no less! >EDGAR: I'd love to chat with you, but CALLIE: (Edgar) ...you're too ugly for me. SEPHIROTH: (Edgar) ...I have to use the throne room. **ducks Matt's fist** CLOUD: (Edgar) ...Locke gets lost in here and I have to make sure he finds his room before he passes out on top of the clothes dryer like he did last time. MATT: (Edgar) ...I simply MUST change out of these pants! SELPHIE: (Edgar) ...I have to wash my hair. KYUKE: (Edgar) ...there's a football game I gotta watch- I have $20 riding on the damn Colts! >the Chancellor and I must plan our strategy. Sometimes I hate being a king! MATT: Yeah, that must SUCK! >If you'll excuse me. (EDGAR leaves.) LOCKE: Follow me. (LOCKE walks away, and TERRA follows him to a bedroom chamber.) KYUKE: Well! >______________________________________________________________________ MATT: So, does the line mean they did it? CALLIE: Terra took her top off and Locke's heart stopped. That's representative of him flatlining at the hospital afterwards. CLOUD: Silicon kills, kiddies. >(In the bedroom chamber.) SELPHIE: ...Locke and Terra were snuggling and smoking cigarettes. >LOCKE: Don't you worry 'bout a thing! I'll CLOUD: NONE OF YOU SAY ANYTHING! (Everyone looks very disappointed.) >TERRA: You're LOCKE, right? SEPHIROTH: Gee, she catches on QUICK! >EDGAR told me about you. Is it true you're a CALLIE: ...transsexual? SEPHIROTH: ...proud father of sixteen? CLOUD: ...halitosis victim? MATT: ...marijuana dealer? SELPHIE: ...low-down good-for-nothing nerf herder? KYUKE: ...naked underneath that jacket? >thief? LOCKE: That's TREASURE HUNTER! KYUKE: Political correctness always bugged the hell out of me. >LOCKE: On the surface, EDGAR pretends to support the Empire. The truth is, he's collaborating with the Returners, an organization opposed to the Empire. I am his contact with that group... The old man you met in Narshe is one of us. TERRA: Empire...but I'm a soldier of the Empire...! MATT: Yeah, well, who cares. >LOCKE: That's not true! CLOUD: (Luke Skywalker) THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! >They were using you! Things are different now. TERRA: I don't understand... What should I do? CALLIE: What you do best: sit around and blink. >LOCKE: I can't tell you what to do. SELPHIE: (Locke) But I'll sure try! >You don't have to decide right now. You'll soon find your way... (LOCKE leaves.) TERRA: But how will I know which way is right... >______________________________________________________________________ (The middle of the night in EDGAR's chamber. EDGAR wakes up.) MATT: Is that some morning wood I see? CALLIE: (Terra) Oh, EDGAR! Is that for ME?! >EDGAR: ...? What the...?! (EDGAR runs outside.) SEPHIROTH: Still naked? (Selphie gets a nosebleed) >______________________________________________________________________ (The castle is on fire.) KYUKE: (flat) Oh, no. >EDGAR: What's happening? SELPHIE: (Random soldier) Well, you see, sir, there was this cow and this barn, see, and um...there was a lantern... >(Soldier) It's the Empire! It's Kefka! CLOUD: (Soldier) It's two, two, two mints in one! >(Kefka and the Troopers arrive.) (EDGAR talking to a Soldier.) (Soldier) FIRE!!! MATT: (Edgar) Well, duh. >(EDGAR talking to a Trooper.) (Trooper) Fire! Fire! Heh, heh, heh... CALLIE: I thought this game was made before Beavis and Butthead... >(EDGAR talks to Kefka.) KEFKA: Bring me the girl. Now! SEPHIROTH: Yeah, NOW would protest your treatment of Terra in this thing... >EDGAR: I don't know what you're talking about! CLOUD: (Edgar) Castle Figaro is NOT a coed facility! KYUKE: (Edgar) That wasn't a girl! That was some swamp gas that reflected off a weather balloon! >KEFKA: Then...welcome to my barbecue!! Uwa ha ha ha! (EDGAR walks up to the throne room door and talks to a Soldier.) EDGAR: Get ready...! (Soldier) Yes, Sir! (Soldier walks into the door.) ALL: (Soldier) D'OH! >KEFKA: Changed your mind...? MATT: (Soldier) Yeah. I think I'll go through the door by opening it first. >EDGAR: I guess I have no choice... (EDGAR whistles for a three Chocobos KYUKE: Is that like a Cerberus? SELPHIE: What's a Cerberus? CLOUD: A three-headed dog-beast from deepest Hell. SELPHIE: Like Rosie O'Donnell? CLOUD: Exactly like that. >and jumps off the side of the castle wall onto one of them.) MATT: Unfortunately, Edgar had really been hitting the Snickers bars lately, and he squashed the Chocobo flat. >EDGAR: Or maybe I do! CALLIE: (Kefka) Or maybe you DON'T. CLOUD: (Edgar) Gee, I never thought of that... >KEFKA: Ackk! Shameful that a king should flee, leaving his people behind! How utterly delightful! CALLIE: I love that guy. ^_^ >(EDGAR takes the Chocobo around the other side of castle, where LOCKE and TERRA are waiting.) EDGAR: Jump! SELPHIE: Eeeeeeeew, Van Halen! >(LOCKE and TERRA jump onto the Chocobos as they ride past, and they proceed to ride off.) EDGAR: OK! Dive now!!! LOCKE: Yahoooo! MATT and CALLIE: SUCKS ASS! >Figaro Submergance Code Engaged! (The castle starts to pull together by itself.) SEPHIROTH: Therapy was really working out. >CHANCELLOR: No one can touch the people of Figaro! KYUKE: (Chancellor) We have individual plastic bubbles! >(Chancellor lowers into the castle, and it submerges. Kefka is wiped out on the surface of the desert sands.) SELPHIE: All that sounded dirty. CLOUD: What are you, channeling for Callie now? >KEFKA: Go!! GET THEM! (Battle starts.) (If TERRA uses magic, EDGAR is surprised.) MATT: But everyone else really doesn't care. Ha HA! >LOCKE: EDGAR, What's the matter? You look positively spooked! EDGAR: D d d d d d did you just see what I saw...? CALLIE: A bunch of repeated consonants? >(LOCKE glances at TERRA.) MATT: (Locke) Feh, they're not that great... >LOCKE: Yeah... ...this kid seems loaded for bear...... (Everyone cracks up) >EDGAR: She's amazing! That was magic! M A G I C ! CLOUD: No big deal, you can buy those cards everywhere. >(LOCKE is shocked.) KYUKE: Well, he shouldn't have shoved that fork in the electrical outlet. >LOCKE: M M M M M M M MAGIC?! SELPHIE: It's Mmmm-Mmmm-Good! >She used magic? (EDGAR and LOCKE) Pswswswsw! pswswswsw!! SEPHIROTH: What is this, coded test?! >EDGAR: TERRA... ...where on earth did you learn that? CALLIE: Clever pun. >TERRA: ......... Sorry......I......um...... MATT: (Terra) ...farted... >LOCKE: Look, I didn't mean to make such a big deal of this...... EDGAR: Me either......it's just that I've never actually SEEN magic before! Where did you...? TERRA: ...... SELPHIE: (Terra) I am stupid. >LOCKE: EDGAR, TERRA can use m>agic, and we can't. That's the only difference between us. The fact is......we could use her help! SEPHIROTH: Uhhh...? KYUKE: Is this in English? CALLIE: Je ne sais pas. >TERRA: Thank you, LOCKE! Thank you, EDGAR! CLOUD: (Terra) FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! >(EDGAR and LOCKE still can't get the shock out of their system.) TERRA: Stop swooning...! MATT: (Locke) Stop running around topless, and we will! >(Battle proceeds.) (Battle ends.)