>This is the frozen Esper... SELPHIE: Hi, frozen Esper! My name's Selphie! >WEDGE: Hey! What's the matter? Do you know something we don't......? GIRL: ...... CLOUD: Translation- "Yes, that you're an idiot and that I put poison in your teacup." >The frozen creature began emitting an eerie light...... MATT: DUDE! What did you EAT?! >WEDGE: Where's that light coming from?! CALLIE: (With a bland, sweet, slightly desperate smile) It is the light of Jesus! >Uwaaaaaaa!!!! MATT: Kefka? >(WEDGE vanishes.) SELPHIE: Good riddance! >VICKS: Hey! Wedge......where are you? W......what's happening?! (VICKS vanishes.) GIRL: ...... ...... ...... CLOUD: Translation- Whee! I'm safe! >(The Girl and the Esper interact, MATT: EEEEEW! Bestiality! >and her armor breaks down.) CALLIE: (Armor, sobbing) I'm a 50-year old divorcee with two pothead kids and a crappy job scrubbing the deep-fry vats at McDonald's for $3.50 an hour! > ______________________________________________________________________ MATT: ~ You are the eggman, I am the walrus, koo-koo-ka-choo! ~ >GIRL: Where am I...? SELPHIE: HELL! MWAAHAHAHAA! >OLD MAN: Whoa! And I only just removed SEPHIROTH: (Old Man) ...your bra! >the crown! GIRL: ...head...hurts... CLOUD: When you have a headache THIS BIG...! >(Old Man gets the Slave Crown.) CALLIE: (Old Man) Whenever I put this and my fishnets and my heels on, I feel SO pretty! >OLD MAN: Easy! CALLIE: I am not! Well, er... SEPHIROTH: I am! CLOUD: Not. MATT: Not...ummm... SELPHIE: Easy as shoving a cat through a keyhole, I am! SEPHIROTH; Hey!!! Nurples can do that! SELPHIE: Nevermind the metaphor, then -_- >This is a Slave Crown. ALL: HI, SLAVE CROWN! CLOUD: The "Sailor Soulstone" sketch, everyone! >The others had complete control over SELPHIE: (Old Man)...your bodily functions... >you while you were wearing it. MATT: (Girl) So that's why I feel all sticky! CLOUD: Matt, please! >GIRL: I can't remember a thing... SEPHIROTH: (Girl) Not that I ever really could since the pea soup incident... >OLD MAN: Don't worry. It'll all come back to you... in time, that is. CALLIE: (Old Man) Being naked helps, baby... >......... CALLIE: ??? SEPHIROTH: !!! CLOUD: #$^&^&!!!! MATT: ***** SELPHIE: (tm)(tm)(tm)(tm)(tm) SEPHIROTH: Selphie, what the hell was that?! SELPHIE: I dunno. Pretty cool, though, huh! >A mysterious young woman, controlled by the Empire, and born with the gift of magic...... (Name the girl.) CALLIE: Fluffy. >TERRA: My name... ...is...TERRA... MATT: (Terra, Austin Powers) The Slave Crown removal operation makes me have trouble CONTROLLING THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!!! >OLD MAN: Impressive! SELPHIE: (Old Man) Those are 38 DD's! >I've never heard of anyone recovering so fast...! (Guards and Lobos are outside the house.) ALL: TRICK OR TREAT! >(Guard) Open up! SEPHIROTH: (Terra) My legs? >Give us back the girl and the Empire's Magitek Armor!! CLOUD: (Old Man) And what if I say no? MATT: (Guard) Then we have no choice except to KEEP THREATENING YOU! Ha HA! >(Old Man approaches the door but doesn't open it.) CALLIE: (Old Man) I defy you, door! I deny you your purpose in life! I will NOT open you! >(Guard) Open this door! We want the girl! CLOUD: Terra IS pretty hot. SELPHIE: Ecchi-ing? CLOUD: Not in the least. I'm just saying she's hot. >She's an officer of the Empire! MATT; Darth Terra. >(TERRA walks over to Old Man.) SEPHIROTH: (Terra) That's be $150, please. >TERRA: Empire...? Magitek Armor...? OLD MAN: Look, I have to get you out of here! I don't have time to explain! (Old Man walks over to a back door.) SEPHIROTH: Why, I had no idea this would be a yaoi fic... CLOUD: Sephiroth, please! >OLD MAN: Over here! CALLIE: (Terra) Why, you chauvanist pig! You can't order me around! ~ I am woman, hear me roar... ~ MATT: So saying, Terra ran the hell over to a NOW convention. >OLD MAN: Make your way out through the mines! I'll keep these brutes occupied! CALLIE: I can just imagine how... CLOUD: ICK!!!!!!!! >(TERRA walks out the back door and onto a skywalk leading to a mine. CLOUD: She then falls down and snaps her spine. The end. >Several guards see her on the skywalk.) SELPHIE: (Guard) I see London, I see France! I see Terra's underpants! >(Guard) She's up there!! SEPHIROTH: Thank you, Captain Obvious. >(Guards corner TERRA in the mineshaft.) CALLIE: GANGBANGING! >(Guard) Got her! CLOUD: (Hick) C'mere, yew varmint! >(TERRA backs up, and falls through the floor. She passes out.) MATT: For no real reason. She just passes out. >______________________________________________________________________ MATT: ~ Shimmer, shimmer like a girl should, yeah... ~ >(In a castle.) SELPHIE: Any castle in particular? CLOUD: Of course not. It's just a castle, it's just there. >KEFKA: My sweet little magic user...! CALLIE: Terra: the healthy sugar substitute. >Uweee, he, he! With this Slave Crown I'll practically OWN you!! MATT: Sorry, Keffie, but I believe she's property of Square. >(Kefka puts the crown on TERRA's head, CLOUD: As opposed to his own, which would not surprise me one bit. >and she starts following orders. Kefka laughs maniacally.) SEPHIROTH: (Kefka) Stand on your head and whistle Yankee Doodle! Bweee, hee hee! >______________________________________________________________________ MATT: ~ Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin'? I've come to watch your flowers growin'! ~ >(Burning town backdrop. SELPHIE: Set design by Pyro Inc. >TERRA kills several soldiers with her CALLIE: ...chronic halitosis. SELPHIE: (Guard) AAACK! GARLIC BREATH! >Magitek Armor.) CLOUD: A one-eyed smiley face! >KEFKA: Uwee, hee, hee! Good! Burn up everything! SEPHIROTH: What a good little pyromaniac you are, Terra! >______________________________________________________________________ MATT: NO MORE! I CAN'T TAKE IT! STUPID LINES! YOU GO SQUISH NOW! >(A large assembly of soldiers. Gestahl is talking in front of them; CLOUD: But none of them are listening. >Kefka, TERRA and two generals are behind him.) SELPHIE: General Pat McGroin and General Anita Dicch. >GESTAHL: We stand on the brink of a major breakthrough! CALLIE: (Gestahl) The ketchup packets in the company cafeteria will now be easier to open! SEPHIROTH: (Soldiers) HOORAY! Long live Emperor Gestahl! >In the days to come, we'll MATT: ...come a lot! >witness a total revival of CLOUD: (Gestahl) ...Annie Get Your Gun! >magic! CALLIE: The Gathering? SEPHIROTH: Sorcery: The Enchantment CLOUD: Mysticism: The Divination MATT: Roofie: The Raving SELPHIE: Matt, that is exceedingly tasteless and insensitive to those who have suffered from date rape druggings. MATT: Your point being? SELPHIE: Feh-Phen: The Starving! >It is our destiny, and ours alone, to take this mystic force and claim what is rightfully ours! MATT: You can just tell he's a white guy. >(The four behind Gestahl stand more closely behind him.) CALLIE: And repeat what he says while repeating it. >GESTAHL: With our new-found power, nothing can stand in our way! SEPHIROTH: (Gestahl) We WILL win the Superbowl this year! >(Everyone salutes.) (Everyone gives a very sarcastic left-handed middle-finger-up salute to the screen) >(Soldiers) Hurrah!!! Long live Emperor Gestahl!!! CALLIE: Heil- SELPHIE: No way, dude. That is pushing the envelope a little too far. >______________________________________________________________________ (Everyone looks at Matt.) MATT: No way. Fuck the line riffs. >(A younger man rushes through the front door of Old Man's home.) CLOUD: (Young man) The British are coming! The British are coming! CALLIE: (Old Man) Make sure you clean up afterwards! CLOUD: Ew! MATT: Young Man, son of Old Man. When Young Man is an old man his name will be Old Man. SELPHIE: Ouch, my head. >OLD MAN: Took you long enough! How goes the robbing and plundering trade? SEPHIROTH: He's a politician then? CLOUD: Naw, he works for the IRS. >(Younger man is shocked.) CALLIE: **bzzzzzzt** (Young man) AUGH!!! SELPHIE: (Old Man) I TOLD you not to play with the electrical outlet! >Treasure hunter and trail-worn traveler, searching the world over for CALLIE: ...a complete collection of Hustler magazines. SEPHIROTH: ...the clitoris. CLOUD: ...his long-lost marbles. MATT: ...Jimmy Hoffa. SELPHIE: ...Carmen Sandiego. >relics of the past... (Name the younger man.) SEPHIROTH: My turn! Umm...Jimbob. >LOCKE: MATT: ...is a stupid name. >I PREFER the term treasure hunting! CLOUD: (Old Man) Yeah, yeah, that and a nickel will buy ya a cup o' coffee. >OLD MAN: Ha! Semantic nonsense! CALLIE: I KNEW THEY WERE NAZIS! MATT: That would be SEMITIC nonsense. CALLIE: Oh. SELPHIE: Gee! I didn't know Locke was Jewish! CLOUD: (holding his head in his hands) Oy vay. >LOCKE: There's a HUGE difference! ( SELPHIE: Yes, of 5 letters. >LOCKE waves his finger.) MATT: Where is he, a baseball game? SEPHIROTH: It was the middle finger. >LOCKE: Anyway, were you the one who sent for me? CALLIE: (Old Man) Yes, I was hoping you could pick up a package for me at the post office. MATT: (Locke) Okay, sure! What's in it? CALLIE: (Old Man) Sex toys. (Cloud bops Callie) >OLD MAN: Yeah. There's a girl I'd like you to meet. SEPHIROTH: (Locke) Goddammit! Are you trying to set me up with your sister AGAIN?! >LOCKE: ......!? This better not have anything to do with that Magitek-riding, imperial...witch!!! (Everyone makes hissing noises.) MATT: Ooooh, watch out now! >OLD MAN: Imperial troops are pursuing here even as we speak. This town is no match for the Empire. Our independence can only be assured if we join forces with the Returners, an undergrond resistance movement. CLOUD: Undergroned? SEPHIROTH: Under-groined. CLOUD: I expected that. >That girl wasn't responsible for her actions. We must get her to understand our dilemma! SELPHIE: (Locke) Chyeah, blow me, okay?! >LOCKE: Alright... I think we'd better help her... OLD MAN: Agreed. Make your way first to Figaro, and talk to the king. ______________________________________________________________________ >(LOCKE drops down the hole TERRA CALLIE: (starts to open her mouth) CLOUD: No, Callie. NO. >fell through, and finds her. SEPHIROTH: Clitoris. CLOUD: SEPHIROTH! SEPHIROTH: Oh, lighten up. >Guards see them from down the tunnel.) MATT: (Guard) There's light at the end of the tunnel! It wants me to follow! >(Guard) Now we gotcha! (Multiple Guards arrive behind him.) CALLIE: While multiple orgasms- (Cloud flies out of his seat.) CLOUD: SHUT UP, GODDAMN IT! CAN'T YOU AT LEAST PRETEND YOU HAVE SOME MATURITY?! IS SEX THE ONLY THING YOU PEOPLE CAN THINK ABOUT?! SEPHIROTH: Keira, can he leave? KEIRA: Pick a replacement. (Cloud disappears.) SELPHIE: Hey, where'd he...? KEIRA: He's safe. CLOUD'S VOICE: Oh, god! Keira! You're naked! KEIRA: A new friend for you comes soon! (The lights come on, lighting the way for a tall, graceful man to enter. He has pale skin, piercing purple eyes, and long black hair streaked with red and purple.) (Everyone starts drooling) KEIRA: Please meet my dear friend Kyuuketsuki Akumano. KYUUKETSUKI: Call me Kyuke. CALLIE: (drooling) Call me anytime! KEIRA: Enjoy! (Kyuke sits down next to Callie and gives her a feral grin, showing off his fangs. The lights dim again.) KYUKE: Hi, I'm Kyuke, and I'm a bisexual vampire with a taste for all things kinky. CALLIE: Hi, I'm Callie, and I'm a bisexual vampire-LOVER with a taste for all things demented. SEPHIROTH: Hi, I'm Sephiroth, and I'm the manifestation of a long-dead warrior with a taste for pissing people off. MATT: Hi, I'm Matt, and I'm wearing really comfy pants! SELPHIE: HIIII! I'm Selphie! I love trains! KYUKE: (to Callie) Nice crowd. CALLIE: I make it so. KYUKE: I'm sure you do. (Matt looks pissed) MATT: GEE, Callie, it's going to be so nice WHEN WE'RE MARRIED, isn't it? (Callie's eyes open super-wide.) KYUKE: Ooh, excuse me. CALLIE: That's all right. Don't mind him. MATT: HEY! CALLIE: (to Matt) I love you. (Matt gets a warm, gooshy look on his face.) KYUKE: (whispering) Nice job. >LOCKE: Wonderful... There's a whole bunch of 'em... SELPHIE: Yup! We're all out here! >Kupo... KYUKE: Anyone notice that "kupo" is awfully close to "kuso"? MATT: The Japanese word for shit? Hmmm...intriguing... >(Moogles arrive behind LOCKE and TERRA.) SELPHIE: (Moogles) BOO! SEPHIROTH and CALLIE: (Locke and Terra) AAAAAAAHHHHHH! >LOCKE: Moogles...! KYUKE: (Locke) Great! Now we can eat! >Are you saying you want to help me? MATT: (Moogle) Hell, no. We asked for spare change. >Kupo!!! SELPHIE: (Terra) Eeeew, Locke, you stepped in something! >(Battle begins, and Locke and the Moogles split up KYUKE: (Locke) It's just not working anymore. Let's just be friends. MATT: (Moogles) Okay, but we get to keep the cat. >into three parties. >LOCKE, KUPOP, SELPHIE: Is that like J-pop? >KUPEK and KUMAMA are in one; CALLIE: Kumama's so fat- SEPHIROTH: We already did that type of riff. CALLIE: Oh, doohhhhh... >MOG, KUTAN, KUKU and KUPAN are in another; and KUSHU, KURU, KURIN and KAMOG are in the third.) CALLIE: Kool. SEPHIROTH: Kosmik. KYUKE: Krispy. MATT: Killer. SELPHIE: Karmic! >(Battle ends after all soldiers are defeated.) SELPHIE: If not, everyone dies horribly. >LOCKE: Thanks, Moogles! We're in your debt! MATT: He's gonna regret that soon. >(LOCKE lifts TERRA and KYUKE: Performs a smashing triple lutz! >runs down the shaft.) MATT: I can dig it!