>Sailor Dragon Barf SYLPHA: Sailor WHAT? SHONEN: Ohh, boy... REDA: (muttering) Think of Imperial torture chambers and be thankful... think of Imperial torture chambers and be thankful... RYLAND: Marcus, I'm scared. Hold me. MARCUS: No, I might barf myself. >WARNING! This is a story that is not to be taken seriously. MARCUS: Well, DUH. >Not even semi-seriously. SHONEN: Like Marcus said, duh. >It's about... SYLPHA: ~ Well, lemme tell you a story 'bout a man named Jed...~ >well, you'll know later. RYLAND: Actually, we probably won't. >Anyway, I babbled on and on and on one day, and that's how this story was made. REDA: Sheesh, we didn't even HAVE to riff that one. >So don't expect it to be descriptive, deep, moving, or even have a decent plot. MARCUS: (heavily sarcastic) Oh, and here I was expecting the next Great American Novel. >You have been warned. For full effect, read this story out loud and as fast as you can. SHONEN: Sylpha, I know you'll try it later. SYLPHA: But- SHONEN: DON'T. SYLPHA: Jerk. >Once upon a time, the Sailor Scouts were walking in the park in Angel Grove. (Yes, the one the bad guys in Power Rangers always show up in. RYLAND: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! REDA: And I am officially in pain. MARCUS: Hey, Billy's kinda cute... (Ryland glares at him.) MARCUS: Not as cute as you are, of course. (Ryland smiles.) SYLPHA: Shonen? SHONEN: Yes? SYLPHA: If we ever get that cheesy, let's break up, okay? RYLAND: Oh, you two are no fun. >No, I don't like Power Rangers.) SHONEN: Good, that makes about eighty million of us worldwide. >They were walking along, talking about nothing and everything in particular, when they saw SYLHPA: ...Terra Branford turn into an Esper and fly by them! SHONEN: ...a hentai fanfic, and burnt it! REDA: ...a really good sale at the Gap! RYLAND: ...fifteen men on a dead man's chest! MARCUS: ...Kunzite bending over in a thong. Yum. SHONEN: For the sake of the heterosexuals in here- - MARCUS: Oh, grow up, Sho-kun. >The Magic Few coming in the other direction. (I still have to figure out how they got there.) RYLAND: I haven't quite figured out who the Magic Few are. Who in the hell are they? REDA: I dunno. SYLPHA: I DON'T CARE! >So the two groups talked, The Magic Few making some interesting remarks about Angel Grove and Earth in general, when Serena asked, "Can you show us something from Ineckey?" MARCUS: (Random MF member) Sure! Here's my magic wand! SCHWING! REDA: (making a face)Shut UP! SYLPHA: Don't poison Reda's little mind, ladies. (Reda sticks her tongue out at Sylpha.) >The TMF agreed. After all, Ineckey was much more fun that Earth anyway. RYLAND: But not nearly as fun as Disney World! >They used their keys and summoned something not of this world: SHONEN: Regis Philbin. >Michelina. REDA: Like the tires? ALL: HAIL TO THE TIRES! RYLAND: I think maybe she means Michelob, like the beer. ALL: HAIL TO THE BEER! MARCUS: Ryland, that was stupid. RYLAND: Hell yeah, but it mentioned beer. MARCUS: Never mind. Good idea. >Michelina's a giant purple dragon who's supposed to protect the TMF in times of need... or be summoned so they could show her off to their friends. SHONEN: (TMF member) Look, you guys! I have a fire-breathing dragon! Isn't it cool? MARCUS: (whiny kid) Mo-oooom, I want one! REDA: (Mean kid) So what? Mine's better. Yours sucks! >Now, Michelina had a serious problem: she's SYLPHA: A Spice Girl? >bulimic. This means that she'll go on eating splurges, then throw it all up so (theoretically) she wouldn't get fat. RYLAND: And in case you didn't know this, folks, well, you're stupid. SYLPHA: Ryland, you WERE bulimic! RYLAND: Yes, and I was very good at it, too. MARCUS: You're sick. >And they summoned her when she was about to eat. SHONEN: This, ladies and gentlemen, is what's technically known as a BAD idea. >She was starving, so she REDA: ...starved to death and died. The end. SYLPHA: YOU going dark? >began to eat everything in sight. Trees, park benches, and anything else. Naturally, the TMF screamed, the Sailor Scouts yelled, and Serena wailed and cried her little eyes out. SYLPHA: Poor thing, she's dubbed and in a crappy fanfic. >When they finished doing that, they ran away. SHONEN: They ran...FROM A REAL FIGHT. REDA: Gaah! Shonen! Dubbing! BAD! >They were making excellent progress when Amy tripped on a tree root. SYLPHA: WHOO-HOO! DOWN WITH THE BORING ONE! SHONEN: She's KINDA cute... RYLAND: (muttering) FishEye. MARCUS: (also muttering) Kunzite. RYLAND: And Zoicite? REDA: Demando was HOT. SYLPHA: Me, I like Fiore. Peruru was cute, too... MARCUS: Oooh, what about Elios? SYLPHA: Oh, yeah. RYLAND: What about Mamoru? MARCUS: Ry-kun! Come ON! Pink and GREEN? Not to mention his taste in music SUCKED! RYLAND: It did? REDA: SuperS movie...he's, like, listening to the Muzak station. Sylpha almost threw up. SYLPHA: Hell YEAH. (Shonen sighs.) RYLAND: Forgot about him...sorry, Sho-kun. SHONEN: I get to make all the Sailor Mars and Neptune comments I want. SYLPHA: I call dibs on Galaxia! She's hot! SHONEN: SYLPHA!!!!! SYLPHA: Oh, loosen up. You damn priests are no fun. KEIRA: That's enough! Get back to the story! BOYS: Yes, Mistress! GIRLS: Blaah. >The others were too absorbed in escaping the living purple vacuum cleaner to even notice. SHONEN: Hey, they're turning their backs on a friend! They're not there to defend! On them you cannot depend! MARCUS: (threateningly) Would you like to meet my fist? SHONEN: Jeez, calm down. >Amy tried to get up, but she was thoroughly stuck in a giant was of bubble gum that the Bubble Gum Monster REDA: Bubblegum Crisis? >(see last episode of Power Rangers) SYLPHA: Hell NO, I will NOT! >left when it tried to defeat the Mega-Zord-thingie. RYLAND: (author, Lion-O's voice actor) You know, that thing, that Mega-thing. MARCUS: Obscurity! RYLAND: Who cares? >Along came Michelina, REDA: (brightly) ...and SHEEEEEEEEEEEE said, "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't wanna see you scooping up the field mice, 'n bopping 'em on the head!" MARCUS: Reda, I'll give you one more chance,and if you don't behave, I'll turn you into a goon. REDA: Damn. >and poor Amy was swallowed up. SYLPHA: YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! RYLAND: (hurt) I LIKE Ami! SHONEN: Just 'cuz she wears glasses. RYLAND: Noooo...she has water powers! SYLPHA: But so does Neptune, and she's a HELL of a lot cooler than Mercury. RYLAND: Silence, you. >The Sailor Scouts and the TMF were very sad, of course, and they held a very expensive funeral for their recently deceased friend. MARCUS: (Random Senshi) Okay, on the count of three, we throw her body off this here bridge and go out for pizza. ALL: (entire Senshi and TMF contingent) YAAAAAAAAY! PIZZA! >The TMF cried, the Sailor Scouts sobbed, and Serena wailed and cried her little eyes out. REDA: Must have been reading the fic. >No one was more upset than Michelina, she ate her after all, who made a promise to herself never to go on splurges again. SHONEN: Because as we all know, this kind of thing happening is SUCH a hazard for gigantic purple bulimic dragons. >This was all fine and dandy until Michelina felt the urge RYLAND: ~She's got the uuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrge to herbal!~ (Everyone winces.) RYLAND: Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad. SYLPHA: Yes, it was. It really, REALLY was. RYLAND: Like you're Vanessa Williams yourself. SYLPHA: Yes, but I have the good sense not to sing when I SUCK, unlike some people. Leave the singing to Shonen. >to go to the little dragon's room. She left the funeral as quietly as possible and snuck into the nearest port-a-potty. REDA: And of course, it just happened to be large enough for a dragon. MARCUS: (Random Senshi) Dammit, Michelina! Look what you did to the swimming pool! >(The real bathroom was destroyed by the Bubble Gum Monster.) SYLPHA: Well, good for him. I'm sure his mother was very proud. >There, she emptied the contents of her stomach, including (much to her surprise) RYLAND: Her missing keys! MARCUS: (Michelina) Oh, so THAT'S what happened to those library books... >Amy! SHONEN: Now, that's gross. >She returned at the end of her own funeral, and there was much rejoicing. ALL: (flat) Yay. >Amy was back, and she forgave Michelina after much wailing and gnashing of teeth. SHONEN: Which makes about as much sense as anything else... >Things were just peachy again, MARCUS: ~ Millions of peaches, peaches for me !~ >and would have continued to be if not for the latest monster attack. SYLPHA: RUN! KATHIE LEE'S ON THE LOOSE! (Everyone screams.) >This attack was not directed at the Sailor Scouts or TMF, but at the Power Rangers instead. RYLAND: Whoooaaa, all right! REDA: Go, Kathie Lee! >This didn't stop the two groups from trying to defend Angel Grove, however, and the TMF attacked it immediately while the Sailor Scouts took the time to call out their transformations. SHONEN: They used 1-800-COLLECT. (Everyoe groans.) SHONEN: I suck at this! RYLAND: Yes, you do. SHONEN: Okay, okay, I'm going on break. REDA: Yeah, me too. (Shonen and Reda exit.) (Everyone settles in to watch the fanfic, but Aku comes in.) AKU: Hey, y'all! SYLPHA: Adrian-sama! AKU: Sylphie! (Sylpha jumps up and runs over to Aku. They kiss) RYLAND AND MARCUS: Awww! (Aku sits down in Shonen's old seat and they continue.) MARCUS: Boys' night out! SYLPHA: Nyaaah, Aku's the only boy here! RYLAND: ooooh, COLD! AKU: Everyone be nice, now... (Shonen walks in, looking despondent.) SYLPHA: Sho-kun! What's wrong? SHONEN: Reda got a little distracted with Isondamo. I got bored. (Shonen sits next to Sylpha, who turns bright red and looks between Aku and him.) MARCUS: Oooh-ooh! AKU: Shonen, um... SHONEN: (sweetly) It's all water under the bridge, good buddy. AKU: Well, um... SHONEN: (a little less sweetly) After all, Sylpha dearest, you wouldn't want to have sex with a DEAD guy, now would you? SYLPHA: (angrily) Shonen, I am not your property. KEIRA: This isn't going anywhere! Shonen, I'm lonely. Come here. RYALDN: HAHAAHAHAAAAA!!!! SHONEN: But...hey! No! Come on, it's Ryland's turn! (Shonen disappears in a flash of purple light.) (Sylpha sighs with contentment and snuggles up to Aku.) (Aku grins.) MARCUS: Ahhh, don't you love it when the old bitch gets jealous? SYLPHA: HEY! MARCUS: I meant KEIRA, stupid. AKU: Well, here we go... >Amy was going to yell "Mercury Crystal Power!" like she always did, until a strange urge came over her, and she yelled, "Dragon Power!" instead. She reappeared with a purple and pink uniform. She was no longer Sailor Mercury; she was... RYLAND: Sailor Gay Pride? > Sailor Dragon Barf! MARCUS: ... SYLPHA: The Goofy Meter imploded on that one. >So they did battle with the monster, and were having a very easy time of it, too, until a bomb/lightning bolt/whatever it is that makes those monsters grow hit it. RYLAND: Doncha just LOOOOOOOOVE the detail? >It instantly became a gazillion times its original size, like in the cartoons when they use Miracle Grow. AKU: Or Popeye's muscles when he eats spinach. >The TMF and Sailor Scouts had a harder time now simply because it was so huge. Soon, due to their collective lack of experience in fighting monsters a zillion times their size, all the Sailor Scouts and TMF were hurt... except for Sailor Dragon Barf. SYLPHA: Look like we have an Ami-chan-fan. **sigh** RYLAND: C'mon, lay off her! SYLPHA: But she sucks! RYLAND: Well, who's YOUR favorite Senshi? SYLPHA: Uranus. RYLAND: Sylpha, please, I just asked- SYLPHA: the PLANET Uranus, duh. RYLAND: Oh, yeah. MARCUS: Me, I like Venus. AKU: Saturn. SHONEN: (From keira's room) HELP ME, YOU GUYS! (Everyone ignores him.) >She was very upset, and said an ultra-corny speech (which I don't feel like relating). MARCUS: Looks like the fic is actually doing something right. >Afterwards she started out a Mercury Bubbles Blast, but instead said, "Dragon Poison Spray!" All of her bubbles turned an icky green color, and they burst. RYLAND: Ummm...yay? >This easily killed off the monster... unfortunately, Sailor Dragon Barf underestimated her own strength. Everyone on Earth died except for herself AKU: ...until Sailor Moon, through divine interference from Tuxedo Kamen, Queen Serenity, and her future self, found the magical Beautiful Shiny Crystal Moon Pike of Truth Love and Justice and transformed into EternalSuperDeeDuperFantabulousKickassPrettierSoldier Sailor Crystal Sparkle Moon and used her new attack, "Moon Rod Resurrection!" to raise the dead again. SYLPHA: You just described about eighty thousand fanfics. >(it was her own attack) RYLAND: Paid for on HER Visa! HERS NOT YOURS, DAMMIT! >and Michelina (she burps poisonous deadly gas after she drinks alcohol). MARCUS: Well, thanks for telling us...ew. AKU: What a coincidence! So do I! >This depressed the two greatly, and after much wailing and gnashing of teeth they decided that life wasn't worth living. SYLPHA: (Ami) THEY CANCELED REN AND STIMPY! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! >Michelina flew Amy to the top of Tokyo Tower, and they jumped off. ALL: WHEE! >Michelina wanted to die, but her dragon instincts kicked in and she flew to safety after the last minute. MARCUS: How...special...of her. RYALDN: (hugging Marcus) Don't worry, it's almost over. MARCUS: (patting Ryland's hand) We're owed big for this. AKU: Uh, you two? RYLAND: Sorry. MARCUS: Won't happen again. (They snicker.) >Amy fell and fell and fell until... SYLPHA: (joyfully) SHE SPLATTERED ALL OVER THE PAVEMENT! AHAHAHAHAHAAAAH! (she laughs insanely.) (Everyone stares at her.) RYLAND: How cute, she gets more like her brother every day... SYLPHA: Do NOT say that! >She woke up. AKU: But it didn't help, cuz she was still dead. >The moral of the story: stay out of a hungry dragon's way. Unless, of course, you're dreaming. SYLPHA: That's...a moral? >By... Ardweden MARCUS: A total idiot. Screw you, Ardweden!