>He looked so sexy lying there with that magnificent hair spread out around him, that sensually androgynous face at peace-lips apart and teasing, eyelids softly fluttering. SEPHIROTH: **sigh** CLOUD: **groan** > Cloud slowly disentangled himself from his lover's arms and walked, naked, over to the window. He stared out. For some reason, his mind rested on Keira. CALLIE: (Keira) At least it ain't a heavy load! >Allegedly, she'd died at the hands of an anti-ShinRa group called ShuTerra. But, Sephiroth had allegedly died in battle. And Cloud, too, had allegedly suffered the same fate. MATT: ...allegedly >So, where was she? Where had she been all these years? ALL: Who cares? >"She worked at the Honey Bee Inn." CALLIE: Skank. SEPHIROTH: Whore. CLOUD: Slut. MATT: Tramp. SELPHIE: Harlot. >Cloud whirled around to see Sephiroth sitting up in bed, a horrible look of anger on his face. ALL: (Sephiroth) GYAAAAAH! I'M IN A CRAPPY FANFIC! >"She was blacklisted by ShinRa Corporation. It was the only place she COULD work after that." CLOUD: Erm, okay... MATT: (preacher) None of those reasons shall save her from the EVERLASTING WRATH OF THE ALMIGHTY LORD! SELPHIE: (Minako) ~ Oh happy daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! ~ ((VENUS GOSPEL!)) >His eyes were far away. "My poor angel..." Cloud walked over to Sephiroth, lying on top of him and burying his face in other man's chest. (All make squishing noises) SEPHIROTH: Talk about eat your heart out! SELPHIE: His head would probably get squashed by pectoral muscles. (Callie drools.) SEPHIROTH: Why, thank you, Selphie. CLOUD: >_< Can we PLEASE change the subject? >"Do you still love her?" MATT: (Sephiroth) That skank! About half the population of Midgar "loves her", if ya know what I mean! >"More than life itself." SEPHIROTH: If I stop loving her and I die, can I get out of the fanfic? >"Then seek her out. CLOUD: Hunt her down like a filthy animal and shoot her in the kneecaps. >She obviously loves you still." Cloud kissed Sephiroth, unable to restrain himself. MATT: Not into bondage? CLOUD: Please... >"Stop it..." ALL: YEAH! STOP THE FANFIC! >"What?" ALL: WE SAID STOP IT! >"I said-" ALL: STOP IT! >"STOP IT!!" ALL: THANK YOU! >Keira Halyenne screamed, sitting straight up in bed. She gulped and blinked, panting in fear. KEIRA: She's in a crappy fanfic. AHAHAHAAA! >Oh fuck. Oh, FUCK. She ran a hand through her rough, tangled hair. What had she done last night? MATT: A full bag of ecstasy. >What had happened? CLOUD: Stuff happened. It was cool. >She remembered singing for the first time in years, singing her and Sephiroth's old song. CALLIE: "This Old Man"? SEPHIROTH: "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar"? CLOUD: "Dancing Queen"? MATT: "Material Girl"? SELPHIE: "Eyes on Me"? >She remembered dancing around the old apartment, overjoyed at getting a new, decent job. She remembered taking out the old picture of the two of them...and kissing the flat, glossy surface like a lover. CLOUD: ....and subsequently messing up the picture by getting spit all over it. >And then she remembered. SELPHIE: And boy, did it hurt! >Holy water was spilled all over the place, a cluster of rose petal ripped to shreds. A few drops of blood. SEPHIROTH: What happened, was she shooting a Malice Mizer video in there? >"Oh, fuck." Keira said again. ALL: (chanting) POTTYMOUTH! POTTYMOUTH! >She kept talking to the empty room, to the old purple sofa and the battered, broken TV. MATT: Kind of like a homeless lady. >"I brought him back, didn't I? I brought him back to life and he found his old boyfriend's place and he had a wet dream. Oh, fuck, this is not how I wanted to spend my weekend." ALL: US NEITHER! >Out of bed, jumping into her stained blue shirt and old black pants. Into her scuffed old boots-SOLDIER issue, of course, nothing but the best for Keira Halyenne. ALL: .... SELPHIE: Did you ever think something would actually be too stupid to riff? >Strapped on her old sword-beautiful, her sword, a long silver shaft embellished with rainbow gemstones, melted into the sword's natural veins. CALLIE: Insert body-piercing joke here. SELPHIE: **sigh** >She didn't brush her hair, or put on makeup. Keira was CLOUD: ...kinda nasty? >on the move. ALL: LET'S MOSEY! >777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777 MATT: Do we bother? ALL: No. >Sephiroth awoke, this time far less comfortably. His hair was a knotted, ratty mess, (Sephiroth and Callie gasp in shock.) >and he'd been dumped on the bed instead of laid out neatly under the covers. He moaned a little and raised his head. "Cloud-chan?" CLOUD: You know, that REALLY makes me feel like his bitch. SEPHIROTH: But Cloudibus-chan, you ARE mah bitch! CLOUD: ARGH! >"In here. SELPHIE: ...Cloud said, giving Tifa another good- CLOUD: SELPHIE! SELPHIE: Hee hee! >And don't call me that." CALLIE: (Cloud) Stop calling me Cocoa-Buns! >he heard Cloud say from the other room. MATT: Wow, good for him. >The younger man walked in, glaring murderously. "I just got a phone call." SELPHIE: (Cloud) Was it YOU prank-calling those nuns asking for a Mr. Dumie Upright, young man? >"Who from?" Sephiroth asked. "Was it Keira?" CLOUD: Well, that would be a major plot contrievance... >"Yes. She's coming over-" MATT: (Cloud) -to whitewash the fence with her friend Huckleberry. >Sephiroth jumped out of bed, ignoring his aches and pains. "I gotta take a shower! CLOUD: (making a face and waving his hand) Whoo-eee! I'd say so! SEPHIROTH: ... >And hey, do you have any nice clothes? SEPHIROTH: Probably not, unless you're into dresses and tiaras. CLOUD: That was once! ONLY once, AND it was to save TWO CHICKS! >I need a hairbrush..." SEPHIROTH: A hairbrush? Ha! Like Cloud could brush that Suave-cemented Chocobo's-ass-hairdo! CLOUD: OKAY! THAT'S IT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY INSULTS THE HAIR! (He jumps on Sephiroth and starts pummeling him.) (Sephiroth swats Cloud...into the wall.) MATT: Oh, great! (Cloud staggers back...looking Special.) CLOUD: Vaseline orgy! SELPHIE: O_O;; CALLIE: He'll be happier this way. >Cloud frowned. "Sit down and shut up! MATT: (Sephiroth, meekly) Yes, master... >The only thing I want to give you is a sword right up the back door!" SELPHIE: Good thing he's out... >Sephiroth sat, CALLIE: (Cloud) Good Sephiroth! Have a cookie! (She pretends to wave a dog biscuit in Sephiroth's face.) SEPHIROTH: Arf! Arf! CLOUD: (drooling) Whoa, naked Ernest Borgnine! May the pumpkins fly like Obi-Wan Kenobi in a big pot of taco soup! (Everyone sighs.) >too happy to care about the insult. Keira! KEIRA: Do not address me by name, infidel! SEPHIROTH: Hey, it wasn't me, it was the fanfic! >Keira was coming back to him! SELPHIE: With a civilian issue AK-47 and a grudge. >"Now, listen" said Cloud, pacing and glowering at the other man. "Don't even think MATT: (Bruce Lee) **smacks Sephiroth** Don't think! SEPHIROTH: Ow! MATT: Sorry, hee hee... >about moving. Don't talk to me, and don't ask for a goddamn thing." SEPHIROTH: (himself) You're a LOUSY host! >The blond man's eyes were piercing in their fury. SELPHIE: Oww, pierced eyeballs? MATT: It could be weirder... CALLIE: Could not. MATT: Could too. CALLIEA: NOT! MATT: TOO! CALLIE: OKAY, THAT'S IT! ON THE COUCH TONIGHT! MATT: O_O SEPHIROTH: Ha ha! >"Once she gets here...well, all I can say is that I hope she leaves a piece of your for me CLOUD: (tugging on Matt's sleeve) Gibbles? MATT: There, there. >to mount SEPHIROTH: ~ Ride the pony! Ride the pony! ~ CALLIE: Sephiroth, I have cornered the market in tasteless...but MONY MONY IS PUSHING ME TOO FAR! SEPHIROTH: Sor-reeee... >on the wall and use as a dartboard." "Cloud..." Sephiroth said, his chest full of pain. MATT: (Sephiroth) Give me my inhaler! (Cloud accidentally bangs his head against the seat in front of him and knocks himself un-senseless) >"You don't know what really happened, do you?" CALLIE: Stupid crap. CLOUD: Lots and lots of stupid crap. >Cloud suddenly slapped him across the face. SELPHIE: (Cloud, french) I challenge yew to a duelle! Feefty paces on l'arc de triomphe! CALLIE: (Sephiroth, French) Merde! SEPHIROTH: (French) I wave my private parts at your aunties! >Sephiroth's head was whipped to the right, SEPHIROTH: Whip to the left! Whip to the right! Stand up, sit down, fight fight fight! >and he panted, CALLIE: Was he looking in the mirror? SEPHIROTH: **grinning** Thank yooouuuu... >his eyes staring blankly at the wall. Flat. Flat. Everything seemed so flat. MATT: It happens on 2D television screens. >Sephiroth realized then that he couldn't really feel anything. SELPHIE: (Dr. Scott) My vheels! Oh my God, I can't feel my vheels! >"What REALLY happened?" A sob. CLOUD: Hey! MATT: That's "sob", not "S.O.B."... >"Sephiroth, I should have killed you a long time ago." SEPHIROTH: Uh, you did. Dumbass. >Sephiroth's eyes narrowed and a weight in his chest dissolved CALLIE: --like a bouillion cube of rage? >as his anger rose. MATT: ...from the dead? >Snarling, he turned back to Cloud, his long hair lying flaccid over his pale shoulders. CLOUD: NYAH NYAH! SEPPHY'S GOT STUPID HAIR! >"You're so immature." SELPHIE: Actually, that WAS pretty immature... >He stared at Cloud. CALLIE: (Sephiroth) You are so fine... CLOUD: EEEEEEEK! >"Ridiculous. You're still angry-" "I loved you, you bastard." Cloud's face was shiny with tears now, but his voice was steady, husky with his hurt and anger. MATT: Actualy, that's kind of...sexy... (He, Callie, and Sephiroth stare at Cloud.) CLOUD: Oh jeeeeeeesuuuuussss... >"You killed me emotionally...physically...hell, even sexually. SELPHIE: Cloud! Try Viagra! (Cloud moans) >And now that all my old bonds have been lifted, you crawl up to my front door in the middle of the night and give me your old 'I'm-Sephiroth-I'm-such-a-fragile-soul-so-give-me-all-your-attention' bullshit..." ALL: WHAT?! >He stepped closer to the bed. Sephiroth could see his own dirty face in Cloud's brimming eyes-a scratch over one eyes, a bruise on his left cheek, mud and dirt streaked all over him. CALLIE: (announcer voice) When Body-Painting Goes Bad! Only On Fox! >"I'm not jealous of her. I'm disgusted at you and what you became, and I'm hurt...and...and..." MATT: And...and...you suck. CALLIE: Poopie head. SEPHIROTH: Doo-doo face. CLOUD: Buttlicker. SELPHIE: Stinky-poo. MATT: The SoK: Proudly supplying America's teenagers with immaturity since 1999. >"And scared." Sephiroth whispered, warily touching Cloud's cheek. SELPHIE: (Cloud) Get your hand off my butt! >The other man smacked his hand away. "Shut UP!" Cloud yelled. ALL: PLEASE DO! >Someone knocked at the door. CALLIE: Avon calling! SEPHIROTH: Housekeeping! CLOUD: Shark! I mean...Unicef! MATT: Publisher's Clearing House! SELPHIE: Take the Pepsi Challenge! >Sephiroth's heart seemed to leap up into his throat and twist around his windpipe. (All make gagging noises) >He leaped out of bed, knocking Cloud out of his way. CLOUD: OW! SEPHIROTH: Sorry. >Caroming into the hallway. Slamming against a wall and staggering into the kitchen. Slipping on the small blue rug and flinging the door open. SELPHIE: Writing choppy sentences. >She looked at him, emotionless. SEPHIROTH: (himself) You rang? CALLIE: (Keira) I rang? SEPHIROTH: (himself) Yes you did. CALLIE: (Keira) Oh, did I ring? SEPHIROTH: (himself) Yes, you rang. CALLIE: (Keira) Oh. All right. SEPHIROTH: (himself) So... CALLIE: (Keira) Whatever. SEPHIROTH: (himself) Okay. CALLIE: (Keira) Yep. KEIRA; ENOUGH, YOU TWO! >Her silver eyes were half-closed, her long red hair shining dully in the hall light. The expression on her face was one of steely control. SELPHIE: (Keira) Must...not...wet...pants...must...wait...until.... rest...stop... >"Oh...my god, Keira..." And he was in her arms, crying and hugging her with enough force to crack an ordinary woman's ribs. (All make cracking noises) CALLIE: (Keira) AUGH! MY SPINE! >For nearly ten minutes they stayed like that: him clinging to her like a drowning man to a lifering, her standing impassively. Then Keira pushed him away. MATT: (Keira) That will be $10.95! >Sephiroth looked into her cold eyes, eyes that at one time had held all the magic and beauty in the world. "Kei-chan..." "Don't speak, Sephiroth." Keira said. ALL: ~ I know just what you're saying...and I don't need your reasons... don't tell me 'cause it hurts... ~ >Her voice was accentless now; at one time she'd had a thick North Continent inflection to her speaking that Sephiroth had loved. CALLIE: (Swedish) Vould you like some schnitzel? Bork bork bork! >Her light, loud voice was now husky with withheld emotion. "Get inside." CLOUD: (Sephiroth) What, here? Now? In the hallway? ALL: CLOUD??? (Cloud shrugs) >Sephiroth felt tears well up in his eyes. "Keira..." SEPHIROTH: I would just like to point out here that I am not a pansy. Thank you. >"Keira, Kei-chan, Kiki!" she blasted at him. SELPHIE: (Sephiroth) You brought them too?! >"I know my name and all it's variations perfectly well, thank you! Now get inside before I tie your arms to your legs and throw you down an elevator shaft!" MATT: Well, the bitch is inventive... >If she could have, she would have, and Sephiroth knew this. CLOUD: (Sephiroth) Whatta goil! >He stepped back. "God, you're so beautiful-" Keira punched him in the mouth, knocking him down. Sephiroth winced at the salty, metallic tang of the blood in his mouth, but said nothing. ALL: DERF DERF! >She loomed over him, red hair framing her face like a fiery halo, a furious sneer on her face. "Damn lucky I am, too, aren't I? You know what I've been doing since you fucked yourself in the head six years ago. Are you happy? Does it turn you on, Seph?" SEPHIROTH: Well, yes, actually. >He held back his tears. MATT: HE WAS ALREADY CRYING! >"Keira, you know it wasn't my fault-" (Cloud snorts derisively.) >She whirled around in a circle, arms wide open, pirouetting into a heavy STOMP. She CALLIE: ...was trying out for Riverdance? >was mad, all right. 'Oh, it's never your fault! It's Hojo, it's Jenova, it's ShinRa, it's Mako energy...it's bullshit!" SELPHIE: Oh yeah, just BLAME the cow feces... >"That's what I said." Cloud's voice came from behind him. SEPHIROTH: (Cloud) But no one ever listens to me anyways... **sob** >Sephiroth sat up straighter and looked behind him. The blond man was looking down at his booted feet. "But, you know him..." Cloud looked up. Even Sephiroth could sense the zing of electricity that snapped between them. Cloud's eyes widened. ALL: ~ Ohh ohh, it's MAAAAAAAAAAAAGIC! ~ >Keira's lips softened a little, MATT: Because she used mango Lip Smackers! CALLIE: The favored blowjob aid for millions of teenagers in the LA area! MATT: HEY! CALLIE: Heh heh... >but her gaze snapped back to Sephiroth. "I regret bringing him back now. He hasn't changed a bit." SEPHIROTH: Well, I should HOPE not... >"Still apologizing, never explaining." Cloud smiled a rare smile then. SELPHIE: Exhibiting the benefits of the British dental system. >"I AM here, you two!" Sephiroth said loudly from the floor, annoyed. What was this? CLOUD: A crappy fanfic. >Keira didn't have such severe mood swings! CALLIE: Except from the 25th to the 3rd of every month. MATT: No, that's you. CALLIE: Well, I was INFERRING... CLOUD: You two are volunteering WAY too much information about each other. >"And I want you both to shut up and listen to me!" SELPHIE: Oh, YEAH, that'll work. >Sephiroth remembered that 'shut up" was the only thing that could spur Keira in a violent rage, and cringed in anticipation of another blow. MATT: Dude, um...everything seems to spur Keira into a violent rage. >"SHUT UP YOURSELF!" the redhead roared. To Cloud-much sweeter-she said, CLOUD: (Keira) I'll have a Pepsi, please! >'Has he been like this all day?" Cloud nodded. "If only I wasn't broke, I could buy a cattle prod and some duct tape and have some fun with Sepphy-doll here." MATT: Wow, kinky... CALLIE: (looking at Matt) What do you think? MATT: Might get stuck (Cloud gags) >"Keira...you know what happened to me! Admit it!" SEPHIROTH: (Keira) Awright! It WAS the one-armed cigarette-smoking man on the grassy knoll! >Sephiroth stood up and was shocked to realize that he was nauseated. (All make puking noises.) CLOUD: He must be reading the fic... >Sweat beads formed on his brow, but he still struggled to keep his cool. "You know it wasn't really my fault..." (Cloud snorts. Sephiroth slouches down in his seat and blows air up at his bangs.) >Her impassive face broke then...into SELPHIE: --a bajillion really tiny pieces! >a terrified, desperate sadness. Keira hung her head. CLOUD: The Salem Witch Trial judges hung the rest of her. >"Yes...yes, I know." she whispered. Then she brought her head up and narrowed her eyes in anger. "But if you'd only been stronger, you could have denied Jenova!" SEPHIROTH: Denied her what? The keys to my car? >"Not everyone has your power!" Sephiroth snapped at her. MATT: (Sephiroth) Just because I never learned how to burp the alphabet doesn't mean I'm inferior! >She was the same-always right in her own opinion. KEIRA: This character is too much like me. Is someone channeling the MSTier? (All shudder) >"Do you think just because nothing shocks you that everyone else should be so unimpressive?" MATT: Did that make sense? SELPHIE: Nuh-uh. >"It didn't take me a whole long time to turn out like I did!" CALLIE: (Sephiroth) Yeah, well, I don't WANT a sex change! >"You're so immature, goddamn you!" Sephiroth cursed, turning away. CALLIE: BUTT SHOT! SEPHIROTH: (mock-blushing) Oh goodness! >Cloud was looking straight at him, with the drop-dead sexy "I-hate-you" look on his face. SELPHIE: We've secretly replaced Cloud with Squall. MATT: I would notice! CLOUD: Me too...although that way I wouldn't look like I had Popeye arms and no mouth. CALLIE: Blecch, Squall! SELPHIE: HEY! CALLIE: No offense, Selph. >Sephiroth stopped, turned back. MATT: (Sephiroth) By the way, you smell bad, too! >Tears were running down Keira's face now, but she still snarled with fury. SEPHIROTH: (femmy) Mee-yow... >"No one is controlled by anything or anyone, no matter how powerful! CLOUD: Sure they are. Haven't you ever heard of the Cuban government? MATT: That wasn't that funny. CLOUD: Well, I wasn't being facetious. >You know that! Why do you think Hojo left us alone during our SOLDIER years?" SELPHIE: (Sephiroth) I bought him off with sex tapes, of course. Why do you think I insisted on installing a camcorder in the ceiling above our bed? >"You willed it to be so, of course." Sephiroth said. "Keira, don't play games with me. MATT: ~ Theeeeeeeese foolish gaaaaaaaaaaames... ~ CLOUD: You did not just do that. MATT: I'm king of the song riffs, I am! >I know full well the extent of your power." "I...I..." she faltered. CALLIE: Then she had to back the horse up and start all over again. >"I..." Keira buried her face in her hands and began to weep in desperation. ALL: (Usagi) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! >Cloud quietly walked away. Sephiroth, upon hearing him go, crossed the room and enfolded Keira in his arms...gently, at first, then with loving strength. SEPHIROTH: Shnoogy bear! CALLIE: (Keira) Bibble-poo! (They embrace.) CLOUD: Eeeeew. SELPHIE: Matt, he's stealing your woman! MATT: (totally nonplussed) Feh, she'll come up for air in a minute. (Callie and Sephiroth stop kissing.) CALLIE: Your turn! (She kisses Matt) SEPHIROTH: hey! (He pushes Callie out of the way and kisses Matt.) CLOUD: EW! KEIRA: Stop that! You're starting to sound like the fanfic! MATT: (dazed) Wow... >How many times had she comforted him? SELPHIE: Only as often as he could pay. (Matt still looks kind of dazed.) CLOUD: Hey, Matt, are you okay? MATT: (shaking his head slowly) Wow... >Buried his teenage awkwardness in her adoration and brought out the extroverted, happy Sephiroth everyone loved and admired? SEPHIROTH: Oh, how accurate. I was SUCH an awkward teenager. CLOUD: Really? SEPHIROTH: Oh yeah, face full o' zits, never had a date for the prom... OF COURSE not really! >Said exactly the right thing when one wrong word would have destroyed him? MATT: (Sephiroth) I'm so miserable! I'm going to kill myself! CLOUD: (Keira) Pinochle. MATT: (Sephiroth) DARLING! SELPHIE: Recalled to life! Reca