>You must live. CLOUD: No, I mustn't! >Gentle hands, touching his face softly and with love. He moaned in agony. Struggle. Come on. SEPHIROTH: (Whoever, whiny) I don't waaaaaaaaaaaannnnnaaaaa! >I'm not as strong as you are...leave me alone...let me die in peace. I'd slap you if I could. Stop being a fucking baby! SELPHIE: Yeah, really! MATT: This part is getting awfully hard to MST. >I want to rest. CLOUD: Don't we all! >I don't want you to rest! Do as I say and get up! This is quite a strain on me, you know. CALLIE: Sounds like you're constipated! MATT: EEW! >Whaa...? You? SEPHIROTH: (Whoever) Ringo? YOU'RE RINGO STARR? WHOA, COOL! >What, you were expecting Hojo? SELPHIE: No, I was expecting Ringo. Dammit, don't you people ever listen!? >I hope I wasn't. MATT: Okay, that made NO sense. >That makes no sense. CALLIE: See? Even the fic thinks so! >COME ON! Please...don't leave me again...you're so close... MATT: Hey, did you ever see that Eggo commercial where that lady is drowning and the guy holds out the waffle and- CLOUD: Yes. Now do shut up. >He reached out. He could almost feel her, taste her on his lips, breathe in that delicate sense of Mako and freshly cut grass. CLOUD: Derrr...? >I'm coming... CLOUD: Not...one...word, Callista. CALLIE: ::coughcough:: blow me ::coughcough:: >He sat up in a puddle of warm, sticky (Callie, Selphie, and Matt burst out laughing) SEPHIROTH: That's so stupid... CLOUD: Exactly! Thank you! SEPHIROTH: ...I never masturbated when I was dead. It's kind of hard, you know. CLOUD: Gaaaahhh... >mud, his long silver hair clinging to him in CALLIE: ...very uncomfortable places... >dirty strands. Sephiroth gasped and blinked, woozy. SEPHIROTH: (himself) Whoa, what the FUCK did I drink last night? >Where was he? MATT: (mysterious) You do not wish to know... >Burning... SELPHIE: Oh, no! Sephiroth has a yeast infection! >Fucking her like that... SEPHIROTH: (eagerly) Like what?! >Ripped flesh... MATT: Oh, I see...Sephiroth and someone lit their house on fire, had sex, and pierced their eyebrows...? >Killing him... CLOUD: I'm REALLY confused here. >Dying, only to find Hojo... CALLIE: ...waiting for him butt-naked, grinning, and making kissing noises. SEPHIROTH: (horrified) ICK! >Empty memories... "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!" he screamed into the late afternoon night, CLOUD: (Sephiroth) YO ADRIAAAAAAAAAAANNNN! >clutching his head in his hands, panting, crying. What had he done? To her? To him? Why...? "Kei-chan...oh, my god..." ALL: Aaaaaaah! Megami-sama! CLOUD: No wait, that's god-DESS, not god. >Sephiroth stood up shakily, willing himself not to vomit. SELPHIE: Too late for us, we read the fanfic. **urk** KEIRA; Hey, hey! I just had those re-covered! Don't you DARE puke on those seats! >"Keira...Keira...oh, honey..." MATT: ~ Sugar...oh, honey honey...you are my caaaaandy GIIIRRRRRL, and you've got me wanting yooooooooouuuu...! ~ CALLIE: Matt, did you just sing- MATT: I don't wanna talk about it. >Her standing there, so beautiful, on her wedding day, the day he was coming back from Nibelheim. SEPHIROTH: Scarlet next to her in dominatrix gear- (Selphie turns green) SEPHIROTH: Sorry. >What had he done? CLOUD: Something I'm sure they'd love to publish in Hustler, knowing you. SEPHIROTH: Hey...yeah...thanks! >Sephiroth couldn't remember. All he could remember was her bleeding. Pleading. CALLIE: Rhyming. SEPHIROTH: Sliming. CLOUD: Timing. MATT: Priming. SELPHIE: Chiming. >Yelling at him. CLOUD: (Keira) YOU LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP AGAIN! DIE, YOU BASTARD! >The hate and fear and confusion in her eyes. Those crazy, frightening silver eyes, the eyes that haunted him even while making love. SELPPHIE: Uhhh...that was relevant... >Sephiroth raised his face to the sky. A sudden rain had sprung up. MATT: Just like that. CLOUD: Right outta the ground. CALLIE: POING! CLOUD: Poing? CALLIE: Yeah, springs make that noise! CLOUD: **sweatdrops** If you SAY so... >He closed his eyes and parted his lips, feeling the cool droplets slide down his chin and naked chest. CALLIE: WHOO-HOO! (Matt drools) (Selphie bounces around and claps.) SEPHIROTH: Why, thank you all...(he looks at Cloud) CLOUD: Forget it, old buddy. >Naked... CALLIE: ~ Nothing on but a smile upon her face... ~ MATT: No one will get that. >"It would be just like her to leave me out here naked." CLOUD: (Sephiroth) The horny bitch... >he remarked aloud to no one in particular. MATT: Except for the voices in his head. >"And here is..." CALLIE: New Jersey! MATT: Oooh, that WOULD be cruel... >Sephiroth looked around for lights, any sign of civilization. When he saw them, his glowing green eyes narrowed in fury. SEPHIROTH: (himself) Dammit! She didn't leave me on a deserted island! CALLIE: (singsong) Kill the pig. Cut his throat. Bash him in. CLOUD: You mean the author? >"Oh. You. Bitch." CLOUD: Shatner writes fanfics now? >He spat. SELPHIE: (Sephiroth, hick) I got me my tabaccie, hyuck! >Nibelheim. CALLIE: Valhalla. Asgard. Midgard. >"That is REALLY cruel!" he yelled at the sky. Only lightning answered him. MATT: Lightning makes noises now? >Sephiroth felt a sudden, biting hunger. He was CALLIE: ...horny as hell? >STARVED. CLOUD: (Sephiroth, zombie) Must...eeeeeeat...brrraaaaaiiiinnnnns! >He wanted food and some wine and a warm place to sleep. SEPHIROTH: Sounds like I'm a real fancy lad. >But, in Nibelheim... SELPHIE: ...all they had was a McDonald's and a Holiday Inn. >"FUCK you!" CALLIE: Okay! SEPHIROTH: AUGH! CALLIE: Just kidding. >He started walking. MATT: ~ Well I would walk five hundred miles... ~ >7777777777777777777777777777777.777777777777777777777777 CLOUD: And the scores from the Australian judges are... >Cloud got up to make some coffee around 3 AM. SELPHIE: Because, as we know, 3 AM is the perfect time for coffee. >The rain started suddenly and startled him. MATT: (Cloud) I'M MELLLLLTIIINNNNG! >There was no reason to feel like something very strange was gong to happen. SEPHIROTH: Sure there is. You're in a crappy fanfic. >7777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777 MATT: Looks like the line for Space Mountain at Disneyland. >Sephiroth stumbled into town, exhausted. He weaved back and forth. He realized he didn't have any money, so where would he sleep? CALLIE: Right on the ground, butt-naked, of course. >He staggered off towards one building in particular: fairly nice, apartments by the look of it. He didn't know why he was going there. There was this incredible urge. ALL: ~ HE'S GOT THE UUUUURRRRGE TO HERBAL! ~ >Sephiroth nearly fell inside, one hand desperately grasping the doorknob. For some reason, he walked towards the back. SELPHIE: So he's staggering around, when all of a sudden he opens a door and BAM! ...he can walk?! >A small room behind the stairs. MATT: Where the landlord kept his six dead wives. >Sephiroth stood there and blinked stupidly at the door for a minute. ALL: (Sephiroth) Duhhh... >The initials on the doorplate read "C.S." CALLIE: Cherry Strudel? SEPHIROTH: Comfy Socks? CLOUD: Cloud Strife? Uh-oh... MATT: California Sunshine? SELPHIE: Canned Squid? >Seph knocked. SEPHIROTH: ...boots, with the landlady. CLOUD: Ha! >77777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777 SELPHIE: ... MATT: (weakly)...seven ate nine? >Cloud was sipping his coffee when he heard a knock at his door. ALL: (annoying little kids) TRICK OR TREAT! >"What the...at this hour?" Cloud furrowed his brow. Vincent didn't go for booty calls. CALLIE: Bomp chicka bow wow! >He hoped it wasn't some transient drunk stumbling around looking for trouble. CLOUD: (himself) Gee, I think I'll go answer that. (he makes door-opening noises) **sigh** Oh great. Some transient drunk stumbling around looking for trouble. SEPHIROTH: (drunk) Hi! I'm Ted Kennedy! CALLIE: Talk about an action-adventure game! >He stalked over to the door, fully expecting to have to beat the shit out of whoever was on the other side. MATT: Gee, Cloud, violent much? >"Who is it?" he called. There was no answer. CALLIE: (Weird Al) Who EEEES it? There's no answer! WHO IS IT?! They're not saying anything! >Cloud readied one hand into a fist and opened the door. Sephiroth fell in across his feet. SEPHIROTH: (himself) Avon calling! >Cloud shrieked and jumped back. "WAAAUGH!" SELPHIE: (Cloud) HELP ME! I'M A LITTLE WUSSY BOY! >"C-Cloud-chan..." Sephiroth whispered. His voice was hoarse and dry. MATT: (Sephiroth, hoarse) Do...you have...any...Grey...Poupon? >Cloud looked at him-completely naked, sopping wet, mud-splattered, bloody scratches on his long legs. SEPHIROTH: Are you mocking my sense of style? I am highly offended! >Wide, staring eyes. Cloud realized that Sephiroth was deeply afraid. SELPHIE: (Sephiroth, panting) Can't sleep...clowns will eat me... >His brain started working. CALLIE: It's about time! CLOUD: Shut up! >He grabbed Seph roughly by one leg and jerked him inside, slamming the door CLOUD: ...on Sephiroth's neck, severing his head from his body, ruining the carpet, and ending the fanfic. THE END! >and locking it firmly. MATT: Question: has anyone ever locked a door WEAKLY? >Then he immediately kicked Sephiroth in the head. CLOUD: Jeez! CALLIE: Yep, he's a little wussy boy. >The other man screamed and huddled up into a ball. SEPHIROTH: Me too. Yay. >Cloud stopped, aghast. CALLIE: Methane? >He wasn't even fighting back. MATT: Probably just trying to protect his family jewels. >"What the fuck are you doing here? Why are you here? I'm going to kill you right now!" ALL: OKAY! >"She'd just bring me back again." Sephiroth groaned. "Cloud-chan, help me..." SEPHIROTH; (himself) ...try to make sense of this dialogue! >"Who? Who would just bring you back again?" Cloud demanded. But Sephiroth had passed out. SEPHIROTH: Oh, thank god. >77777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777 CALLIE: That's how much my therapy bill is gonna be after this! >When Sephiroth awoke, he was lying in a soft, clean bed. A blanket was neatly tucked over him. Someone had brushed his hair. He felt awake, alive, energized. And still really really hungry. CLOUD: (dryly) Yippee. >Cloud was sitting on a chair by the bed, his arms crossed, his face creased into a very angry frown. Sephiroth couldn't get over how the other man could shift from looking like a very young boy into a hard-edged warrior king within seconds. MATT: Wow. This is the ultimate fangirl fic. >He tried his tongue and found that it SELPHIE: ...was absolutely delicious! >worked. "Auggh." ALL: THAT'S HOW WE FEEL! >To some extent, anyways. CALLIE: Too bad the author's computer keyboard worked to more than just "some extent". >"How did you get here?" Cloud's usually moderately pitched voice SEPHIROTH: (Cloud, high-pitched) My name is Cloud and I got kicked in the balls! >was deeper, harder, CALLIE: (panting) Faster! FASTER!!! CLOUD: CALLISTA! >with abject fury. "And don't you lie to me, I could kill you right now before you got a chance to scream." (Sephiroth screams.) CLOUD: (covering his ears) Owwww...! SEPHIROTH: Ha! Didn't kill me, didja? >"Kei-chan." Sephiroth said weakly, dropping his head back down CLOUD: ...causing it to shatter and splatter brain fluid all over like a ripe pumpkin dropped from the top of a cliff onto jagged, pointy rocks. SELPHIE: EW!!!! > and closing his eyes. "Keira..." "Keira? Keira's dead-" "Oh, no no no. MATT: ~ No no no no no...and you say yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah... ~ CALLIE: MATT! MATT: Sorry. >She can't die. Not as long as she loves me she can't die and vice versa." CLOUD: She must not love you, then. >Sephiroth spat the words out in a long stream. SELPHIE: Whoa! Seph's been possessed like that little girl from the Exorcist! >"She can't let people she loves die." MATT: (Keira) I hate you. DIE! >Cloud stared. "Oh, yeah. Sure." SEPHIROTH: (Cloud) And I'm a fish with a punctured lung. >Sephiroth rolled over to face him. Cloud was even more handsome CLOUD: ...than the grammar was incorrect. >than when he was sixteen, the baby roundness of his face now gone, the mild innocence in his blue eyes replaced by a dreadful knowledge. MATT: The knowledge of where babies come from. >"Cloud-chan..." And suddenly Cloud was in his arms, crying, hugging him very close. And Sephiroth held him too, taking comfort in the young man's strength. SELPHIE: (Kid from the 6th Sense) I see gay people! >Presently, Cloud's mouth found his, hot and insistent and needy. Sephiroth SEPHIROTH: ...threw up! >kissed back, more to realign himself with the real world than in lust. But he felt a rush of forgotten affection. Cloud had always treated him MATT: ...like a mental patient. >well. CALLIE: He fed him once a day, and kept his cage cleaned, and brushed him nightly! >He kissed the blond man's collarbone, feeling him tremble under his lips. "Cloud-chan..." Cloud pushed him down into the bed. "'Don't talk." ALL: PLEASE! >he said softly. "I don't want to hear any apologies. SELPHIE: ~ What else should I be? All apologies... ~ CALLIE: ~ What else should I say? Cloud and Seph are gay! ~ CLOUD: HEY! SEPHIROTH: Very funny, Callista. >Just love me." Just love me. ALL: NO! >Why did that sound familiar? Oh, yes...Keira's last words to him... SEPHIROTH: (Keira) Don't...eat...the clams...**gurgle** >"I don't care what your past is with him. I don't want to hear any excuses as to why you behave the way you do. MATT: (Sephiroth) But I really DID run out of Ritalin! >You're my other half, Sepphy-kun, and I love you. All I want from you is just for you to CALLIE: (Keira) ...do all the cooking and cleaning and ironing and sewing and laundry! >love me. Just...love me, Seph..." CALLIE: ~ Touch-a touch-a touch meeeee, I wanna be diiiirtyyyyy! ~ SEPHIROTH: You call me "Creature of the Night" and I bop you. CALLIE: ~ Creature oooooooooooooooffffffffffffffff the niiiiiiight! ~ (Sephiroth bops Callie.) CALLIE: (nonplussed) Well, ouch! You bopped me! >Cloud bit him savagely on the shoulder. CALLIE: OOOOH, KINKY! SELPHIE: Cloud! Since when are you a vampire? (Cloud moans and slides down in his seat.) >"Don't get too distracted, Sephiroth. You owe me this." His eyes were intense. CLOUD: His stomach was heaving. >Sephiroth grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him gently down to his groin. (Cloud starts crying.) >He arched his head back in anticipation as Cloud slowly took him in his mouth. CALLIE: (Cloud) Mmm, tastes like chicken! SEPHIROTH: (Cloud) **gag** I'm choking! You're too big, Sephiroth! CLOUD: **snort** MATT: (Cloud) Wow, you have a piercing THERE? SELPHIE: (Cloud) What happens if I bite down? SEPHIROTH: Then you DIE. SELPHIE: It was rhetorical. SEPHIROTH: You'd still die. >Hours later, Sephiroth's head was pillowed on Cloud's shoulder as they lay in the aftermath of loving. One of Cloud's hands played listlessly with Sephiroth's long silver hair. "Cloud..." MATT: (Sephiroth) Was it good for you, too? >"Shhh. Go to sleep." (Everyone starts snoring loudly and drooling)