>PROLOGUE CALLIE: ...to eternal damnation! >FIVE YEARS BEFORE MATT: Ahh, that innocent time when we could trust our political leaders... >She ran as fast as she could, but they were still gaining. CLOUD: (whoever) Jenny Craig, my ass! >Keira (A splutter of feedback erupts from the loudspeaker.) KEIRA: GAAAAAH! Someone dared put my perfection in a fic like THIS? SEPHIROTH: Maybe it's not you... SELPHIE: (muttering) Here's to hoping it is! > looked over one shoulder, spitting out errant strands of red hair that flew into her gasping mouth. CLOUD: Red hair...yep... KEIRA: Stop it, infidel! >In her right hand she clutched a long, wide sword. CALLIE: Ahh, so it's a lemon! CLOUD: Callista! > She squinted her eyes and saw Reno climbing down the hill-carefully, MATT: (Reno, effeminate) Like, god! I'm going to SO totally ruin my new Ferragamo pumps! >but with a deadly speed nonetheless. SEPHIROTH: Speed 3: Mach Reno. SELPHIE: Where the hell did that come from? SEPHIROTH: I don't know! >"Fuck" she said softly, CALLIE: Okay! SEPHIROTH: Sure. CLOUD: Hey... MATT: Ummm... SELPHIE: Heh heh. >the curse thick on her dry lips, CLOUD: (Keira, British) A pox on you and all your kinsmen! >then turned again and fled. SELPHIE: Hey, Keira, you're a chickenshit! KEIRA: Why, you flippy-haired little... >Pure, animal terror requires a loss of sensibilities, and relying on instinct. MATT: Not to mention a permit. >Keira couldn't do this, and there was nothing she could be gladder for. CALLIE: Wonderful grammar, too... KEIRA: (threateningly) Do I have to use the Holy Shit attack, now? CALLIE: Nevermind! O_O >She kept darting little looks back as she ran, lithe and fleet as a gazelle, towards the grasslands. She could hear the low chop-chop sound of rotors. SELPHIE: Chop-chop? CLOUD: ~ Yeah, it's Lamp Chop's Playalong! ~ >They were coming after her in helicopters. MATT: Badly polygonal ones, too! Oh, the horror and shame of it all! >"Oh, shit!" she whispered furiously. SEPHIROTH: Ooooh, naughty! Keira is a pottymouth! MATT: Yeah, all she's done so far is swear. >There was no cover around-all trees were on the other side of Kalm Ridge. CLOUD: Yup, all the trees in the world were on the other side of Kalm Ridge. Yup, there were noooooooooooooo other trees in the whoooooooooolllllllle wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide woooooooooorrrrrllllllllllld. Just on the other side of Kalm Ridge. SEPHIROTH: Question: what the FUCK is Kalm Ridge? >She was easy prey in the open fields. CALLIE: (Hick) Well, lookit that! SELPHIE: (Same) 'n with red hair, too! That'll look great on mah bathroom wall! CALLIE: (same) Quick, Bobby-Ray, git mah shawtgun! >The helicopters had hundred-kilometer sensors, so she'd heard, and Scarlet could build mecha. MATT: Oh, yeah? Well, I blew up a lava lamp once! Ya don't see me braggin' about it! CALLIE: That IS quite an achievement! >"Shit shit shit" she said. Her voice almost had a singsong quality. "Shit!" SEPHIROTH: ~ Feces, feces, feces, feces! ~ CLOUD: Let's see, have we got a swear counter going? (Callie pretends to write something down) CALLIE: (saluting) Six, sir! >A sudden, knife-like stab of pain in her side caused her to wince slightly, but she kept going. She couldn't stand to see what had happened. SEPHIROTH: Looks like the last SOLDIER kegger I went to. SELPHIE: (Keira) I hope mom and dad don't come home before I can clean up! >It wasn't blood she was frightened of-as a matter of fact, she thought blood quite a lovely color. MATT: And we have TWISTED PSYCHO SIGN! >It wasn't the fact that she was wearing nothing but her bridal underwear and combat boots. SEPHIROTH: Heeeeeeeeeeeeey! I LIKE this fic! ALL EXCEPT SELPHIE: Oooooh! Nosebleed! SELPHIE: **sigh** Boys 'n Callie will be boys 'n Callie... >She didn't care that her skin was covered in burns and blisters. Keira only wanted out, and Keira only wanted revenge. CLOUD: Well, you're in luck, Keira! It's on sale at Kmart! >It was too late for her to plan anything. SELPHIE: Well, duh. >She mentally cursed herself for letting her telekinesis training slack off lately, but if Hojo had caught on... MATT: ...he would have spanked her like she was his bitch. CALLIE: (Hojo) WHO'S YO' DADDY? WHO'S YO DADDY? SEPHIROTH: (sourly) That isn't funny, Callista. CALLIE: Oh!...I'm sorry, I forgot. >And he probably would now, not that he even cared anymore. ALL: WHO CARES? >Keira took a deep breath, ducking underneath an overhanging rock in the side of one of the cliffs. It wouldn't provide much protection, but it was enough for the deed she had to do. CALLIE: **snort** That sounds dirty! CLOUD: **sigh** >Sweating, panting, frightened, Keira backed up against the wall. Her hand played nervously with the red pendant around her neck. The tears were for later. CLOUD: ...as a delicious snack! >Keira took a second breath, SEPHIROTH: Two? But they're so fattening! >closing her eyes and focusing inwards. SELPHIE: (Keira) Wow, lookit all the guts! >The spark was still there. CALLIE: (Holding her hand out in front of her and making a weird face) The SPARK that is the ESSENCE of LIFE ITSELF! (Everyone claps) MATT: Rocky Horror humor...ahh, it never fails! >Keira started humming softly, (All hum the FF7 theme) >calling in an unknown language CALLIE: Half the time I consider French to be an unknown language. SEPHIROTH: Tu n'est pas bonne en francais? CALLIE: No, plus I think your grammar was wrong. SEPHIROTH: Merde. >to her guardians. SELPHIE: Heeyyyyy, you guys have GFs, too? CLOUD: G...F? SEPHIROTH: ::scratches his head:: Errr... > A flash of light. MATT: ~ A crash of thunder, a brilliant flash of light! The battle has begun and only one will win the fight! ~ KEIRA: NO SAILOR MOON DUB SONGS! MATT: ...eeep. SEPHIROTH: (very very softly) ~ She's got the power...ohhh, she's got the power... ~ KEIRA: That's right, I do. Don't forget it. >The smell of burnt feathers. CALLIE: But Keira's got butterfly wings! KEIRA: THAT IS NOT ME! >A sharp, choked cry. CLOUD: Ahh, someone ELSE has been reading the fanfic! >Where once a frightened girl had stood remained only a burn mark upon the ground. SELPHIE: (Keira) 'Scuse me, I farted. >777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777 MATT: Hey, it's Bill Gates' daily income! >Cloud grunted as his sword struck the monster's spine. CLOUD: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'M IN THIS?! MATT: Ha ha! >The creature shrieked and arched backwards sharply, CALLIE: ...and then bit Cloud's leg off. >but Cloud simply stabbed in farther. SELPHIE: Note that Cloud shows all the tactical ability of a watermelon. >Green ichor sprayed all around him, getting in his eyes and matting down his hair. CLOUD: Oh, no! MATT: NOT THE HAIR! CALLIE: (wailing) WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO? >A bullet whizzed past his ear, hitting the creature in its exposed throat. Cloud made a mental note to thank Vincent for that, as he slid his sword up and chopped the creature into two parts. The thing screeched horribly, then fell apart. SEPHIROTH: Is this a metaphor? CLOUD: Hey! CALLIE: Sepphy-kun, ya shoulda chopped Aer-head into two parts and splurted blood everywhere. SEPHIROTH: I wish I had...once I'd played the game myself and saw how damn ANNOYING that pink bitch was- CLOUD: HEY! Shut up, dammit! >Cloud wrinkled his nose. CALLIE: Whoops, look like Vincent needs a diaper change! >"They're getting worse. They'll come right into the house now." MATT: God DAMN those Jehovah's Witnesses! >Vincent nodded, holstering his gun. "These monsters are unnatural. SELPHIE: Kinda like the Backstreet Boys. >I believe they may be constructs. ShinRa's science labs are still up..." CLOUD: And this happened sometime around the fourteenth of never. >"It's ridiculous. ALL: Yes it is! >How do they think they're changing the world THIS time around?" SEPHIROTH: Is this referring to the fanfic author? >Cloud clenched his left fist, scowling. "They nearly destroyed the Planet only three months ago! How dare they-" CALLIE: I agree, fanfic authors ARE destroying the Planet. >"Calm down." Vincent rested his hand on Cloud's neck, CLOUD: Then he gave a mighty twist of his wrist and snapped my neck, ending my pain and suffering forever. The end. CALLIE: Already going dark? CLOUD: Why not? >absentmindedly stroking the back of the younger man's head with one long forefinger. CLOUD: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! SEPHIROTH: Whoohoo! 'Nother yaoi fic! >"Scarlet and Heidegger are dead. Mechanical creatures are unlikely for a long time. MATT: Err, I dunno...ever seen William Shatner? >And since Hojo is now missing, it seems safe." SEPHIROTH: Without Hojo, the world is a brighter, happier place. >Cloud leaned back into Vincent's arms, sighing as the dark man wrapped them around him and kissed him gently on the top of the head. (Cloud moans and slides down into his seat) >"But, they're still out there. SELPHIE: ~ Are you out there...on some devil ship from Mars? ~ CLOUD: Now THAT is obsolete. SELPHIE: Not THAT obsolete. >Rufus ShinRa had a sister... SEPHIROTH: Ha ha. No. >Hojo still lives...there are SOLDIER Corps members and Turks remaining." MATT: But the Turks were all willing to help 'n stuff. >He looked out at the incredible vistas before him. CLOUD: (himself) What a piece of shit! >"It's over, isn't it?" CALLIE: Already? I wish! > Cloud kept his eyes steady, even as Vincent drew quietly away. "There's too many ghosts, Vincent. Every time I kiss you, I see someone else's face. Aeris... CALLIEA: ...Ginger Spice... SEPHIROTH: ...Ally McBeal... CLOUD: ...Pamela Lee... MATT: ...Homer Simpson... SELPHIE: ...Jean-Luc Picard... >Sephiroth... CLOUD: Now, that would be a big HELL NO. SEPHIROTH: Why, Cloud, I never knew you cared. CLOUD: I hate my life. >too may conflicts in my heart." SEPHIROTH: (Super-whiny) ~ Quit playing games with my heart... ~ >"I'm sorry." "It's not your fault." Cloud turned to Vincent and hugged him briefly, sweetly, one last time. "Thank you, Vincent, you're a good friend." CALLIE: (Cloud) You're an even better lay! **POW** OWWW, CLOUD! >Vincent smiled and kissed him on the cheek. "Likewise, Cloud." SEPHIROTH: (Vincent) Except for the good lay part. **BANG** Jesus! Cut it out! >They'd become lovers not too long after the end of their great adventure. SELPHIE: Jeez, Cloud, how drunk WERE you? CLOUD: Don't talk to me. Just...don't...talk to me. >Cloud could remember that night, sitting on the Highwind, CALLIE: ...sitting on Vincent's-- **SMACK** AAAAAAAAAAAUGH! MY NOSE! CLOUD: (putting his arms down) You deserved that. >elated at their survival. >We made it! We made it, Vincent! MATT: I guess you did...and don't even think about hitting me, Cloud. > Have you ever just taken comfort from whatever source possible, no matter how you felt? SEPHIROTH: Well, Vincent certainly gets down to business quickly. > SOLDIER was a homosexuality hotbed. I'm surprised I came out like I did... MATT: At the Shinra '96 Company Picnic? SELPHIE: (Cloud) Heideggar, Scarlet, President Shinra, Rufus...we need to talk. CALLIE: (Scarlet) Is that MY dress you're wearing? SEPHIROTH: (Rufus) No, actually...it's mine. CLOUD: You guys... > Come here and I'll show you... CALLIE: Oooh! Ooooh! Is this a lemon? CLOUD: I devoutly hope not. > What? No, not him. Sephiroth. SEPHIROTH: Uhhh, this is bad... > Yes, magnificent. SEPHIROTH: Wait! Changed my mind! Thanks, Cloud sweetie! CLOUD: Why, no problem, I just-HEY, WAIT A SECOND! >Cloud... CLOUD: What? SELPHIE: ...that was the FIC, stupid. >But it was over. MATT: I only wish. >A tryst is just a tryst, CALLIE: ~ A sigh is just a sigh... ~ >no matter how deeply a friendship may run. The two men had an unspoken law between them: CALLIE: Wash before and after every meal? SEPHIROTH: Always share the last cookie? CLOUD: Shower separately? MATT; Don't hog the blankets? SELPHIE: Go to flea markets and antique shows on weekends? >offer sex and comfort when needed, but don't get too close. ALL: Oh. > Vincent walked back into the house, and Cloud sighed, dejected. ALL: **sigh** >He was lonely. SELPHIE: Well, go tell Vincent you changed your mind, and screw 'im senseless. CLOUD: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! >Every night images of his two loves danced in his head: CALLIE: Ben and Jerry? SEPHIROTH: Barnum and Bailey? CLOUD: Bob and Margaret? MATT: Thelma and Louise? SELPHIE: Ozzie and Harriet? >Aeris with her beauty CALLIE: Hell no! MATT: Beauty? Is that another word for "ditziness"? CLOUD: Come on! >and light SEPHIROTH; ~ There's a liiiiiiiiiight... ~ ALL: ~ Over at the Frankenstein place!~ >and sweetness, MATT: Another good phrase would be "Tooth-hurting saccharine cuteness". CLOUD: Would you guys cut it out? CALLIE: Whaaaaat, you didn't think she was ditzy and annoying? CLOUD: No, I- MATT: You didn't think she was insanely pushy? CLOUD: Well, she- CALLIE: Don't you think she was just a little TOO adorable? CLOUD: But- MATT: And that she was butt-useless in battle? CLOUD: ... >Sephiroth with his strength and humor and unpredictable, wild sensuality. SEPHIROTH: (primps) Why, THANK you! >What a contrast. SELPHIE: Cheeeyeah, one of 'em sucks and the other don't! > The blond man stared down the remains of the monster. MATT: Are they talking about Aeris again? CLOUD: I swear, ONE MORE Aeris jibe outta you... >One bloodshot red eye stared up at him accusingly. He felt silly, staring at a monster's corpse. CLOUD: (himself) I gotta stop photographing roadkill... > A monster's corpse... SEPHIROTH: I smelleth a flashback about meself. > "That's not fair, Sephiroth! SELPHIE: Yup. >How dare you treat me this way?" SEPHIROTH: (himself) Oh, it was easy...I just listened to you whine for an hour or so! >Cloud looked around for something hard to throw, but could only come across a dirty sock. MATT: (soothingly) It's okay, Cloudy, I'm sure French people insult their lovers by doing that all the time. SELPHIE: (Wild and Crazy Guy) First I say, "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee" and then I throw dog poop on her shoes! >He threw it anyways, the filthy thing slapping the older man squarely in the face. MATT: (Cloud, British) Oh, you BITCH! >Sephiroth didn't duck. CLOUD: Whoa, standing up to a dirty sock, you're a REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL big man, Sepphy-boo! SEPHIROTH: (camly) Shut up or I will hurt you. You THREW the sock, anyways! > "Cloud, please...did you really think we were that serious?" Sephiroth spread his CALLIE: ...legs... >hands, obviously surprised at the smaller man's fury. SEPHIROTH: (himself) Gee, all I did was ditch him for his mom, what the hell's the problem? >"Look, Cloud, SELPHIE: No hands! >I did love you. I really did." CLOUD: Sephiroth, did you love me? Did you really love me? SEPHIROTH: No, Cloud, I did not love you, I really did not love you. CLOUD: Oh, GOOD! > "Shut up." MATT: Yeah, shut up! >Cloud bit his lip, willing himself not to cry. SELPHIE: (Usagi) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! >His entire chest felt tight, burning. CLOUD: Gee, I need Maalox! >"You're DITCHING me! You cheated on me! MATT: (Cloud, British) oh, you filthy, filthy cheat! CALLIE: Why all the British stuff, Matt? MATT: ...cheese? >I never thought you'd stoop this low for a fuck!" CALLIE: Or bend over that far. SEPHIROTH: Excuse me! > Sephiroth's eyes widened. (All make rattling noises.) >Cloud hardly ever swore, no matter how angry he was. CLOUD: Fffft, that's not right! >"Cloud-chan, please...I love her." MATT: oh no, is it a female SI fic??? >"I. Love. Her." SELPHIE: So do I...who's "her"? >Cloud spat at the ceiling. CLOUD: ...but it fell back down on my face. >He was lying on his bed, staring up. MATT; Well, I would hope so. CLOUD: I'm not in the habit of spitting on my own bedspread, frankly. >Every time he thought of that day, he felt so angry, so helpless. ALL: WAAAAAAAAAAH! HE'S IN A CRAPPY FANFIC! >It was a permanent burn on his soul. CALLIE: (Makes a burning noise) Ahhh...pain... MATT: ...that's sick, dude. >Sephiroth and he had been together for nearly six months when the older man CLOUD: ...remembered that neither of them were gay or bisexual? >had been sent on a research mission to the Northern Continent. He was gone for three months. Three...months. Cloud had been crazy with worry. Was he dead? Was he hurt? Did his angel-faced lover lie beneath the snowfields; his sweet lips forever closed by heartless ice? His beautiful green eyes shut in endless silence? ALL: WHO CARES? SEPHIROTH: heyyy! Dammit, I do! >Then Sephiroth had returned-perfect health, full of life and laughter as always. CLOUD: **sigh** Another pro-Sepphy fangirl... SEPHIROTH: Ahhh, the price of being beautiful! >And with him, he brought a girl. SELPHIE: ...from the Honey Bee Inn for only ten bucks an hour! CALLIE: Selphie, it says BROUGHT, not BOUGHT. SELPHIE: Oh. Darn. >An amazing girl, a woman to inspire even the staunchest member of male society to ache in lust. CLOUD: If this is a Britney Spears crossover, I will personally sue. >A tall, voluptuous redhead MATT: Your mistake, it's Ginger Spice. >with CALLIE: ...absolutely huge fake breasts? SEPHIROTH: ...her own late-night talk show? CLOUD: ...a big, ugly green wart on one side of her face? MATT: ...a pet poodle named Bunches? SELPHIE: ...gonorrhea? >snapping MATT: ...turtles? >gray eyes and a loud, raucous, infectious laugh. ALL: (Emerald) AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! >She was wild, dancing, a free spirit. CALLIE: Sephiroth married a hippie? SEPHIROTH: Huh? It never said married in here! CALLIE: Bridal undies at the beginning. SPHIROTH: ...ohh, bugger. >Sephiroth adored her. CLOUD: (Dumb voice) I will love her and squeeze her and call her George. >After the breakup, Sephiroth and Keira Halyenne were never apart. SELPHIE: Skin melding? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeirdo! >Everyone commented on how alike they were: the same sick, twisted sense on humor. The same furious tempers. The same ethereal, unbearable beauty. The same ability to defy authority, and charm it until even the most puritanical, uptight asshole cracked a smile. CALLIE: Yup, Sepphy fangirl avatar. **sigh** >And strong? MATT: No thank you, I'm not hungry. >This girl was everything a SOLDIER candidate was supposed to be. Multiplied by a thousand. And counting. SELPHIE: Well, that's, um...uhhh...a big...ass...number? >She could beat Sephiroth seventeen ways around the block. CALLIE: With her eyes closed, with both hands tied behind her back, while smoking a cigar, without pants on, during a Lakers game, in outer space, with a whip make from strawberry Twizzlers, inside the Dollar Store, while reading a romance novel about pirates, before breakfast, while making fun of Sailor Moon, wearing noseplugs, in Sweden, while applying lipstick, after lunch, with wet nail polish, and while listening to Nirvana? CLOUD: You are REALLY annoying. >She designed a sword that was basically a single, sheer sheet of metal: so light it couldn't be seen, but so sharp it couldn't be blocked. SEPHIROTH: And she called it Rosebud. >She had top ranking in combat, magic, speed, strategy: you name an award, she had it. SELPHIE: (Keira) "I Guessed The Midi of The Week!" Oooh, I feel special! >Cloud actually remembered her: he couldn't hate her, no matter how much he'd tried. MATT: It was a feeling akin to extreme constipation. >He wanted to every time he saw Sephiroth's eyes light up ALL: PING! >when she made a joke, every time they'd make out during a lecture, SEPHIROTH: That, I never did. I lost my virginity during a visit to the planetarium for my Advanced Astrophysics class, though. CLOUD: I think I might have peeked INTO a lecture at some point... SELPHIE: Hearing that makes me think of Irvine. **sigh** MATT: Uh, I think I fell asleep in class...in fact, I'm pretty damn sure I fell asleep in class... CALLIE: What's a lecture? >every time they skipped curfew to go clubbing. (Everyone hums the Roxbury Guys theme song and bops their heads) >But she was amazing-no, she was HIM, SEPHIROTH: That's sick! CALLIE: Ugh! MATT: Split personality love syndrome! That's soooooooo cute! >but with an irresistible feminine charm all her own. SELPHIE: But what about Cloud's fun moments of transvestitism? CLOUD: GYAAAAAAAAAAH! CALLIE: But Cloud, you looked so PRETTY! CLOUD: I hate my life even more. >Cloud recalled the first time they'd spoken... SEPHIROTH: (Keira) Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? A-HYUCK, a-HYUCK! >"Hey, aren't you Cloud?" That loud, somehow sexy voice. MATT: Cloud! Using company time to call phone sex lineS! >He turned his head to see Keira Halyenne sitting sullenly next to him on the hard CALLIE: WHOA! CLOUD: CALLISTA!!! >bench CALLIE: Oh. SELPHIE: This fic is disgustingly big on flashbacks, isn't it? >in the SOLDIER lounge. Her arms were crossed over her chest, her long legs crossed, her pretty face creased in a hate-filled frown. ALL: PMS SIGN! >"Yeah." SEPHIROTH: INTENSE...AGREEMENT...ACTION! >She jerked her head over to where the door to Scarlet's office was. "The Big Blond Bimbo Bitch isn't watching, is she?" MATT: (Cloud) No, my eyes are closed. CLOUD: OMNI- KEIRA: Dooooooooonnnn't you DARE! I had to recover all the seats last time! >Cloud snickered. Nobody liked "Scarlet Fever" very much around SOLDIER. SELPHIE: Yeah, and they liked it even less in the 1800's. >"Nope, she's out setting up the 'Commendation of Honor in Battle' medal list. Won't be back for a while." CALLIE: (Cloud) Soooo...you wanna make out? There's a lecture hall right over there... >"Hmph." She looked down at her feet. Cloud glanced over at her and saw that she was struggling not to cry. He was really surprised, he'd seen her take a bullet in the leg and not even yell. MATT: -but then again, she'd been on a double dose of ecstasy and claiming she was Kat Bjelland and that leprechauns were molesting her squash, so... >"What's wrong?" KEIRA: (Other Keira) I'm in a crappy fanfic. SELPHIE: Hey, Kei-sama's riffin'! >Her lips tightened over her teeth in a feral snarl. CLOUD: (femmy) Me-OW. >"Y'know there was that raid on Wutai yesterday?" ALL: (Yuffie) MATERIA! MATERIA! MATERIA! >"Uh-huh." Cloud looked up at the ceiling dreamily. MATT: (Cloud) Oooh, spackle... >"I wanted to go, but SEPHIROTH: (Cloud) ...I couldn't find the Port-A-Potties. >I'm still a trainee." CALLIE: Or was he an intern? CLOUD: I couldn't fit a beret over my hair. >"Cakework. Fucking THREE year-old could do it." she muttered. "Anyways, I led the fucking raid! SELPHIE: Gee, I wonder if Sepphy-kun knew his girlfriend was into that sort of thing? MATT: (Keira) Awright, Cabin 13! Put your hands and you panties where I can see 'em! CLOUD: (Happosai) PANTIES! >I recovered the smuggled Mako! CLOUD: **snort** And it was in what, a suitcase? SEPHIROTH: That could be messy. (Matt's eyes light up.) SELPHIE: No way, Motoko. MATT: Oh, phooey. ::slumps down in his chair:: >I carried six injured men out of town! I basically did the whole job-and they won't give me a commendation." KEIRA: Ha ha! (Everyone looks suspiciously up at her viewing window.) KEIRA: What? I don't like her! >Cloud looked at her, shocked. CALLIE: (Cloud, awestruck) They're REAL! SEPHIROTH: (same) there IS an Easter Bunny! CLOUD: (Himself) There IS no place like home! MATT: (Same) It WAS Richard Jewell! SELPHIE: (same) It WAS Mrs. Peacock in the Library with the wrench! >He'd seen the mission tapes in training not an hour ago, and she'd obviously SEPHIROTH: ...been lying like a Mexican rug. >taken charge magnificently. SELPHIE: Visa or Mastercard? >"Why the hell not?" CALLIE: (Keira) Eh, I dunno. >Keira stood up, whirled around, a big grin on her face. MATT: AAAAAAAAAAAUGH! IT'S PROFESSOR TOMOE! >She jumped up and down and sang a little to herself for a minute. CLOUD: Okay, this chick is officially fucked in zee head. >Cloud knew exactly what this meant. SEPHIROTH: Call the little men in the white coats! >Keira was beyond pissed. CLOUD: (To onscreen Keira) It's okay. These fanfics do get to you after a while. >"Be-caaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaussssse... I'm a CALLIE: ~ ...freeeeeeeeeak, I'm a weirdooooooooooooo...what the hell am I doing heeere? ~ >GIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!" ALL: POWAH! CALLIE: Oi'm Gingah Spoice! SEPHIROTH: Oi'm Scary Spoice! CLOUD: Oi'm Spohty Spoice! MATT: Oi'm Posh Spoice! SELPHIE: Oi'm Baybay Spoice! CALLIE: Ai to seigno! Bishoujo senshi sailor fuku...SEEEEERRRA MUUUUUNN! EVERYONE ELSE: SAILOR TEAMU WA! CALLIE: Tsuki ni kawatte, oshiokiyo! (There is a deep and profound silence.) SEPHIROTH: How did that happen? CALLIE: Uh...mass psychosis? SELPHIE: I wouldn't be surprised. >she shrieked, jumping high up in the air and slamming her feet down onto the floor hard enough to shake the whole room. MATT: Looks like me when I've seen a spider. CALLIE: GAAAAAH! Don't say that! CLOUD: Or Callie throwing a hissy fit. CALLIE: okay, that you can say. >"A GIRL a GIRL a GIRL a GIRL!!! SELPHIE: (Keira) I have to return all this damn "It's A Boy!" crap! >You'd think I was fucking Mary Sunshine in a pale pink tutu or something!" MATT: No chance of that. CALLIE: I LIKE this chick! >Cloud couldn't help laughing, CLOUD: How rude of me! ::slaps hand:: BAD CLOUD! >but he soon sobered up. SEPHIROTH: ...due to a bucket of water someone poured on his head. >"That's horrible, though! Everyone in ShinRa's seen that tape! SEPHIROTH; Ahh, but Janitor Fred didn't... CALLIE: ...and what Janitor Fred says, GOES! >Any idiot with eyes in their head-" SELPHIE: -should be able to write a better fanfic. >"-everyone in ShinRa's an idiot, eyes or not, and they all defer to da Prez." MATT: Da Prez iz in da HIZ-ouse! Yo yo yo! CALLIE: **muttering** Note to self: "accidentally" use his rap CDs as coasters after this. >Keira started pacing, muttering "da Prez, da Prez, da prez!" SELPHIE: Hey, those Prez things are cool! I've got a Marvin the Martian, and a C-3PO, and- CLOUD: Prez, Selphie, not PEZ. SELPHIE: Oh. But those Pez things ARE cool! >under her breath as she did so. Cloud frowned. CALLIE: What? Cloud doesn't frown, Cloud scowls! MATT: Scowl, Cloud. (Cloud gives him a smouldering glare.) MATT: See? >"You've got powerful friends. If Sephiroth and Rick raised a big enough stink, SEPHIROTH: ::makes farting noise:: (himself) C'mon, Rick! Light it and we can get new vending machines for the student lounge! >you could get the entire corporation pissed enough to CLOUD: ...pass out in the bean dip at the party? >revolt." CALLIE: VIVE LA REVOLUTION! >"Wouldn't want to." Keira shrugged. "I mean, hey, he gives me the medals I'm suppose to get anyways. SELPHIE: Gee, there's a ceremonious occasion. >It's not like I don't have them. Besides., what do you do with an award? MATT: Keep it shiny! >You can't eat it, can you?" SEPHIROTH: No, but you can make ramen in those cup-shaped trophies. >"If it's not a big deal, why are you do mad?" Cloud asked teasingly. CALLIE: (deep voice) Who do mad? You do mad. Mad is mad mad, maaaaaan... >"BECAUSE I CAN BE!!!" CLOUD: ~ And you and me are free to be you and meeeee... ~ >Keira gave him a wild, delighted smile, then walked over to the security camera positioned in the corner. She threw a big, toothy smile over her shoulder at him, then faced the camera. "HEY, SHINRA BITCHES!" she screamed. "EVERYONE LIKES ME, NOBODY LIKES YOU, AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!" MATT: (Kkeira) NYAH NYAH! NANNY NANNY BOO BOO! ::blows raspberry:: POOPY HEADS! DOO DOO BRAINS! BUTT FACES! NYAAAAAAAAAH! >Yeah, she was a weird one, but fun. CALLIE: Yeah, she was a stupid one, but immature. SEPHIROTH: Yeah, she was a twisted one, but hot. CLOUD: Yeah, she was a dumb one, but insane. MATT: Yeah, she was a loud one, but freakish. SELPHIE: Yeah, she was a pointless one, but DAMN could she cook a fine crab cake! (Everyone stares.) SELPHIE: Nevermind. >That was the only time they talked. SELPHIE: The rest of the time, they just- CLOUD: Ix-nay. >A week later, Cloud, Sephiroth, and Zack headed for Nibelheim. (Sephiroth and Cloud both look pointedly somewhere else.) >Cloud was bored and lonely in this tiny apartment. He lived alone. He spent his life pretty much alone. He would give anything for Sephiroth's touch again, but...it was impossible... CLOUD: GOOD! KEEP IT THAT WAY!