>BOY MEETS BEAST OR BEAST MEETS GIRL............. CLOUD: Either/or, doesn't matter. >Part 1 MATT: Relm Gets Hit In The Head With A Board Full of Rusty Nnails. CALLIE: Hey, I'd be nice to Relm, if I were you. In one of Akira-chan's FF6 games, she named Relm after me and Gau after you. MATT: O_o;; Matt like shiny thing...? >That is the question, SELPHIE: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... >years after the Imperial war of "Final >Fantasy VI" and the rise and fall of Chaos in "Esper Saga" (A Manga >creation of mine), SEPHIROTH: Wow, a crappy fanfic writer works for Manga?! I always thought they had halfway decent writing! CALLIE: Manga the comics, Silly Sepphy, not Manga video! SEPHIROTH: Oh... >Kefka got rid of his hatred, bloodlust and his CLOUD: ...acne. (Matt glares at him.) CLOUD: Not that there's anything wrong with acne... CALLIE: Matt, a few zits do not qualify as "acne". MATT: Says you, Miss Perfect Skin. CALLIE: Says I, Miss Perfect Makeup Concealer Job. >shame of all those feelings, SEPHIROTH: (Kefka) That's it, I can't keep it a secret any longer! I'M GAY! >Kefka felt bad about what he did to Teena Branford, so >he apologized to her. MATT: And sent her a LOVELY fruit basket. SELPHIE: He did, did he? Being dead and all, I imagine he must have been REALLY sorry to have been able to do that. >Teena*crying*: Oh why, why CLOUD and SEPHIROTH: ~ Tell me why... ~ MATT: ~ Ain't nothin' but a fanfic... ~ CLOUD and SEPHIROTH: ~ Yes whyy... ~ MATT; ~ Bad enough to make Godzilla sick... ~ CLOUD and SEPHIROTH: ~ Tell me why... ~ MATT: ~ Don't ever wanna read it ~ ALL: ~ This story is shit ~ (Callie and Selphie scream and take their shirts off.) >did this brutal slaughter happen, CALLIE: Hey, lady, YOU wanted the hot dogs... >why why did Kefka go beserk, oh well, I might as well be dead myself, bye........ CALLIE: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! SHE'S DEAD! >Kefka: Teena, Noooooooooo!!!!!! CALLIE: DAMMIT! >Teena pauses while Kefka held her down. SELPHIE: (Teena) Ahhh...LINE?! >Kefka: I'm sorry, it wasn't me who started this, CALLIE: (Kefka) It was the cigarette-smoking one'armed man flying the black helicopters filled with goo over the grassy knoll. >it was Chaos, but hell, Shadow's party has destroyed him, but it couldn't been done without sacrifice; SELPHIE: Uhhh...okay...what? MATT: (Frantically searching through an appointment book) Sweetie, when was the last time I smoked pot?! CALLIE: Last August, I think. MATT: Oh, good. **sigh** I couldn't have written this, then, thank god. >Celes is gone, CALLIE: WHAT?! NOOOOOOOOOOO! >Raiden is gone, MATT: All that exposure to electricity turned out to be bad for him. >Setzer is gone, CALLIE: GOD, WHY?! WHHHHHYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!??!? CLOUD: (Innocent) Gee, did you like Setzer? >Epachis is gone, SEPHIROTH: Sounds like a brand name for lip balm. >but all what matters is that Gayana is at peace. CLOUD: Gayana, yaoi capital of the world! (Everyone groans) >Teena: Thanx, but I wonder about how you are going to turn out? SEPHIROTH: No, no! Keep up with your Internet slang, Teena! It's, "Thanx, but I 1der how U R going 2 turn out?" MATT: I WILL HAX0R U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SELPHIE: All your base are belong to us! >Kefka: You might not know this all along, but *pauses* CALLIE: (Kefka) ...I'm really a woman. SEPHIROTH: (Kefka) ...I am Oscar Ramirez! CLOUD: (Kefka) ...I did not have sexual relations with that woman. MATT: (Kefka) ...I am the illegitimate father of Kuja. SELPHIE: (Kefka) ...I really, really like pie. >I.....I.....love....you. ALL: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW. >Teena: Oh Kefka!!! MATT: ~ Oh Kefkanna, oh don't you cry for me, I'm going to Thamasa with a banjo on my knee! ~ CLOUD: Clever. MATT: I know. ^_^ >*becomes happy again* CALLIE and SELPHIE: Tee hee, duh! >Meanwhile at Thamasa.... Mog: OOOOOHHHHHH, TEENA CALLIE: (Mog) HARDER! HARDER! MATT: Ugh, shades of "A Rainy Day" ::shudders:: >LOVES KEFKA, TEENA LOVES KEFKA, TE........ Empress Relm got annoyed with Mog's gloating. MATT: Gloating? Well, it's certainly nothing to be proud about... >Relm: Mog will you shut up!!! SELPHIE: (Mog) No, not until you learn how to use a damn comma! >Mog: I just know it, MATT: (Mog) I called Miss Cleo! CALLIE: (Miss Cleo) He was tippin' and you were tippin'! You were both tippin'! SELPHIE: ...what the hell does that mean? CALLIE: I don't know, and if we could use the phones on this spaceship, I'd call her and ask. >I have that feeling Teena is starting to have an affair with...... CALLIE: Bart Simpson? SEPHIROTH: Tom Cruise? CLOUD: Michael Jackson? MATT: Eminem? SELPHIE: BillyBob Thornton? >Relm: KEFKA? *shocked* MATT: Oh, well, him, too. SEPHIROTH: Trashy little vixen. >Mog nods his head. CLOUD: Neat trick, considering he has no neck. >Relm: That's impossible, CALLIE: (Relm) I sawed his ding-dong off with a dull butter knife. (The men all wince, shriek, or groan, depending on the fellow in question.) SELPHIE: (Relm) ...unless she's a fucking necro, 'cuz Keffy's DEAD. > Teena is sweet and innocent while Kefka is @%^$#!!! insane!!! MATT: Another reason it's impossible: Kefka has a brain. SELPHIE: oooh, good point. >Then Relm and Mog silently paused SEPHIROTH: ...because God had to go to the little hypothetical deity's room. >when this strange case of beast meets girl incident. SELPHIE: Why's he so shocked? It happens all the time on Jerry Springer! >Part 2 MATT: A winner is...absolutely no one. >Shadow, Mayu and Syron come SEPHIROTH: WHOOHOO! >into CALLIE: ...a canteen. CLOUD: EW! Good LORD! CALLIE: Flashback of Dark Starr's Journal, anyone? (Matt shudders.) >the room and looks at Relm's and Mog's shocked facial expressions. SEPHIROTH: (Shadow) Relm! Mog! What are two doing with my hot tub and all that Crisco? >Shadow; Mayu; Syron: What is it guys??? Relm: Teena is....is.....is..... Shadow: What is it, Relm sweetie? CALLIE: (Relm) Really fucking stupid! SEPHIROTH: (Relm) The Anti-Christ! CLOUD: (Relm) A Milli Vanilli fan! MATT: (Relm) Jimmy Hoffa in disguise! SELPHIE: (Relm) A huge supporter of George W. Bush! >Mog; Relm: SHE LIKES KEFKA!!! ALL: Eeeew. >Syron: She likes that bastard? MATT: (Relm) Yes, and she likes him for that very reason...if you know what I mean. CLOUD: Uggghhh, shut up! >Mayu: Shadow, dear you won't leave me for an evil person turned good, right Klide? >Shadow: Course not. SEPHIROTH: (Shadow) Dammit, woman, which one of my personalities are you referring to, for godsakes?! >Meanwhile, Kefka carries Teena all the way MATT: ...through the third trimester. >to his secret new home after he destroyed his old palace. Kefka: How do you like my home? CALLIE: (Teena) Oh, Kefka! It's such a BEAUTIFUL makeshift hut in the middle of a nuclear bomb testing field! >Teena: It's beautiful! Kefka: Oh Teena!!! *kisses and embraces Teena* CALLIE and MATT: (Cloud; very dumb) Duhhh, hee hee, boobies. CLOUD: Just what does that mean?! CALLIE: Nothing. MATT: Not a thing. CLOUD: ... >Kefka climbs into his bed. Kefka: Come on Teena baby climb into bed with me and make yourself comfortable. SELPHIE: (Teena) Thanks all the same, but I'm not getting into bed with you until you slip on some commas. >Teena: Thanx, but I'm fine on the floor. Kefka: I don't think that hard floor is all that comfortable, MATT: (Kefka) ...but guess what's hard and just right for you? (Cloud fumes silently.) >but I'm no pusher, baby. SELPHIE: (Kefka) That said, are you SURE you don't need any 'shrooms? Pot? Crystal meth? >Teena: Okay, come on and have fun, Kefka.*she kisses him* Good night, I love you. Kefka: Love you too, Teena baby. CLOUD: This is...really...stupid. ALL: Yes. >Part 3 During the night, Kefka had a flash ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! >back. ALL: Oh. >Chaos: Mimas, hand over your baby, NOW!!! Mimas: NOOO!!! I'M NOT HANDING OVER KEFKA!!! SEPHIROTH: (Mimas) I went through all that trouble reading that cockroach story and everything! CALLIE: That's Franz Kafka. SEPHIROTH: I know. >Chaos: Too damn bad, woman, you have no choice. MATT: (Chaos; Cartmen) Now get in the kitchen and make me some pie! >Then Mimas sent her chocobos out to attack Chaos. SEPHIROTH: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, I'D be running scared by now for sure. >Chaos: I'd hate to do this, but I SELPHIE: (Chaos) ...don't like you. CALLIE: (Chaos) ...derive a sick, strange pleasure from it. >must. ALL: (Chaos) I MUST...I MUST...I MUST INCREASE MY BUST! >Then Chaos used his X-Ultima spell on her 5 times and killed her. CLOUD: Taking it to a bit of an extreme, are we? >Chaos: Now you're mine, Kefka!!! HaaaaaHaaaaaHaaaaaHaaaaa!!!!! Then Kefka has another flashback...... Kefka: HaaaaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaa, I'll kill you Shadow, I'll kill every one of you buttwipes. SEPHIROTH: Ah, Kefka Palazzo. What a cultured young psychopath. >When Shadow's party weakened, Teena Branford rushed into the scene...... MATT: (Teena) Wait, everyone, don't leave! Locke just did a keg run, and I found some heroin stashed in my cleavage! >Teena: Kefka, stop!!! Kefka paused....... CALLIE: ...for whatever reason. >Teena: Chaos is destroyed, so that means you're......you're.... CALLIE: Naked! SEPHIROTH: Barefoot! CLOUD: Pregnant! MATT: In the kitchen! SELPHIE: Catering to your husband's every whim! CLOUD: Yes, Kefka, you, too, are the stereotypical woman! Now shut your damn mouth, bitch! >Kefka: N o t e v i l a n y m o r e ??? SELPHIE: N o, b u t y o u r s p a c e b a r i s. >Teena: YES, CALLIE: (Teena) GOD that turns me on! >Shadow and his friends killed the evil of many milleniums, and you're normal now. >Kefka then started crying. SELPHIE: (Kefka) I'm a real boy! A real boy! >Kefka: Well, I'll be gone too. Kefka nearly falls off the tower, then Teena saves him. MATT: Just like that, eh? Wow. Doesn't take long. >Teena: Life is worth living. SEPHIROTH: Yeah, if you're Bill Gates. >Shadow and his surviving friends smile and tears up at the situations. Shadow: I'm glad to see that you won't cause any more havoc. MATT: (Shadow) Although you WILL be acting like OOC assholes... >Mayu: Now I've seen the true Kefka. CALLIE: (Mayu) It was really really squishy and yucky. >Mog: I'm happy ,kupo. Epoh: Thanks for helping us,you two. Kimu: Finally, the conquest and battle ended. SELPHIE: (Kimu) ORGY TIME! >Jada: Wow Kefka, I never knew that you were so nice. Relm: I'm proud of this to happen. CLOUD: (Relm) Then again, I'm proud of my ability to wipe front-to-back... >Everyone: Hooray Kefka.....Hooray Kefka!!! Kefka became silent from these two flashbacks, and tears started to run down his face. CALLIE: (Kefka) AAAAUGH! OH, GOD, THE HORROR! MY MAKEUP SMEARED! >Part 4 SEPHIROTH: (singsong) ...shut the door! >Kefka's crying woke up Teena Branford. SELPHIE: As opposed to Teena Arena. >Teena: What is it, Kefka? Kefka: I'm a s h a m e d. Teena: About what??? CLOUD: (Kefka) The terrible grammar, spelling, characterization, plot, and setting of this piece of crap so horribly mislabeled a fanfic! >Kefka: Mmmmmmm, MATT: ~ Mmmm, mmmm, better! ~ >people ALWAYS want to take advantage of me, SEPHIROTH: Whoohoo! CLOUD: I'd prefer not to think about that, thank you. >that's why Chaos turned me into his slave, and he made me serve Ghestahr. Teena, I'm glad I'm not evil *sniff*. CALLIE: Well, I'm not! Kefka used to be cool, now he's a wussy little 12-year-old girl! >Teena: Oh Kefka, cheer up.*smiles* Kefka: Mmmmmmm okay. MATT: (Kefka) Yes, mistress! As you command, mistress! >*becomes curious* SEPHIROTH: And gets shot. Curiosity killed THAT cat. (Everyone groans.) >Say Teena, did you ever want a child and start a family? CLOUD: (Teena) GOD, NO! >Teena: Oh yes Kefka, CALLIE: (Julianne Moore; very very flat) Oh yeah Leon! >I do want a baby so bad because I want as much love as I can. MATT: Can...can...CAN WHAT?!?!? SELPHIE: Canned peaches? SEPHIROTH: She wants to do the can-can? MATT: This fic sucks. >Kefka*suprised*: OH REALLY!!! I WANT A BABY ALSO!!! CALLIE: Translation: 'Good LORD, I am one horny bastard!" >Teena: Cool!!! SEPHIROTH: (Dubbed Usagi) Like, wicked cool! >Kefka: Come on Teena baby, let's go. Teena: All right finally!!! *becomes happy* MATT: Hey, you turned him down last time...don't say "finally"! >Meanwhille Relm, Epoh, Mog, Shadow, Syron, Kimu, Jada, and Mayu SELPHIE: The other dwarves were not present. >were having a conversation in Narshe. Relm: I think that it's a great thing for Kefka to marry and reunite with Teena since they're no longer enemies. Epoh: Aaahhhhhhhhhh, this is like a movie. CLOUD: Indeed. A very, very BAD movie. >Syron: Yeah, a horror movie.*laughs like a snob* The movie should be called "Beast Meets Girl"!!! CALLIE: They already made that movie. It was called, "Sid and Nancy". >Mayu: Arrrrrrrrrrrgh, you are soooooooo heartless, Syron!!! ALL: (Mayu) LIKE, OHMIGAWD! CALLIE and SELPHIE: Tee hee, duh! >Kimu:Yeah Syron jerk. MATT: The sequel to Syphon Filter. >Syron: Kimu, why don't you shut the @%#$! up!!! Syron gets into a fight with Kimu. SEPHIROTH: (bored) Intest...catfight...**yawn**...action. >Jada, Shadow: STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!! Mog pelts them with a Sonic Boom. SELPHIE: Eeeeew, he farted! >Mog: There,that should take care of you two. Kimu and Syron have a big sweatdrop going down their foreheads. SEPHIROTH: (Kimu and/or Syron) Sheesh, the SMELL...! >Epoh: Come on peoples, CALLIE: (Krist Novoselic) Come OOONNNN, people now, smile on your BROther EVERYbody get to-geth-er, try to loooov e one another riiiiiggghhhht nooooowwwww... >forget that awful past and get on with life. Everyone: OKAY!!! CALLIE and SELPHIE: Tee hee, duh! >The next day at Kefka's palace... Teena: Guess what Kefka. Kefka: Oooooooh, what sweetie? CALLIE: She's pregnant? >Teena: I'm pregnant. CALLIE: Damn, I'm cool! CLOUD: No, it's just the fic is really predictable. SELPHIE: She can TELL already!?! They just DID it! >Kefka puts his head to Teena's bloated belly. MATT: AND she's showing already?! CALLIE: (Kyle) Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here. >Kefka: Oh yes!!! CLOUD: No more orgasm jokes. CALLIE: Aw, heck! >Finally, a child of our own!!! SEPHIROTH: (Kefka) Finally, after two paragraphs! >Are you okay, Teena? Teena: Well, kinda feelin' funky inside me. Kefka: Well, you must rest. Then Kefka rests alongside his pregnant wife. SELPHIE: Well, yay. >Part 5 MATT: (Cheri O'Teri) What's five in french? Cinq? Do y'all have any Cinq Alive? >While Kefka was resting, Teena saw a flashing magicite orb next to her. CLOUD: (Teena) Ooooh, shiny! CALLIE and SELPHIE: Tee hee, duh! >Voice: Teena... Teena: Daddy? MATT: (Darth Vader) Teena, I am your father. >Voice:Yes, it's I, Maduin. SEPHIROTH: (Maduin) JAMES Maduin. >Teena*excited*: OH DADDY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!!! CALLIE: (Maduin) Oh, Teena, I still think you're retarded! >Maduin: My my, MATT: ~ My, my, Miss American Pie... ~ >you have grown up to be a very beautiful young woman. CLOUD: Like Janet Reno. >Then the Maduin magicite secretly talked to Teena, mind to mind. ALL: WHAT MINDS?! >Maduin: Remember the day when your mom, Madonna Branford and I want to start a family? SELPHIE: (Teena) Considering I wasn't born yet and all? Fuck, no! >Teena: Uh, yeah, but........ CALLIE: (Teena) Wow, Dad, you're stupider than I am! >Maduin: It was a miracle, that you were born from two different species, one existing and common and one that no longer exists. SEPHIROTH: (Maduin) Still, nobody cared. >Teena: Oh Dad!!! Thanx for sticking up for me, I'll never forget that!!! CALLIE: Is that a euphemism? CLOUD: CALLISTA! >Maduin:Well, I gotta run, MATT: (Maduin) Considering I have no legs and all! >always remember what I said!!! CALLIE: Soup is good food! SEPHIROTH: Don't sleep in the subways, darling. CLOUD: Always use 1-800-COLLECT! MATT: There is no spoon! SELPHIE: I love you, you love me, we're a fucked-up family! >Teena: Thank you!!! *waves goodbye* Then Kefka walks in. MATT: To where he was already sleeping? CLOUD: Another neat trick from the FF6 cast! >Kefka: Hi Teena, who was that??? SEPHIROTH: (Teena) Avon calling. >Teena: It was Maduin. Kefka: Ohh, your dad. You must be an important girl. CLOUD: (flat) Oh, yes. Fantastically important. >Hey, Teena, I noticed that your belly is getting a little bigger than before. CALLIE: (Teena; shrieking) ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?! >Then Kefka hears an annoying voice. CALLIE: Britney Spears! SEPHIROTH: Ricky Martin! CLOUD: Gavin Rossdale! MATT: Alanis Morissette! (He ducks Callie's slap) SELPHIE: Hanson! >Then Mr.Ultros barges in. MATT: Mr. Ultros?! SELPHIE: (Ultros) Uwee, hee hee! Ccall me MASTER! >Ultros: Ewwwwww, you like this ugly old b--ch? Yeeeeeuk!!! SEPHIROTH: Maturity, maturity...paging maturity... >Kefka: Ultros, Get Out!!! Ultros: Ohhhhhhhh, I see that this tub o' BAGGAGE you have now is putting on a few pounds here!!! *does a retardo laugh* Hey Chupon,take a look at this!!! SELPHIE: (Announcer voice) Here at the Zoo of Pregnant Video Game Chicks- >Kefka, Teena: Nothin' to see here Chupon, GO AWAY!!! Chupon: Fungahhhhhhh!!! MATT: (Ultros) What was that? CLOUD: (Chupon) Fungus! I have a really terrible toenail fungus... >Ultros: Me and Chupon are wonderin' what is inside SEPHIROTH: (Ultros) ...Spam, that gives it that rich, delicious fake-ham flavor! CALLIE: Slaughtered small cats? CLOUD: Fourth wall, my dear. >Teena here, should we observe for ourselves??? Kefka: No, No, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! SELPHIE: (Kefka) It's a delicious cream filling, okay? Trust me on this one. >Kefka: Merton2!!! SEPHIROTH: That's a pretty dumb name for a spell. >Ultros, Chupon: OOOOOwwwwwwwwch!!! Ultros: Damn you Kefka, you shouldn't do that. MATT: Are they talking about Teena again? CALLIE: Ooooh! (makes cat-scratch noises) >Teena: Kefka, I'll help you!!! Kefka: NO TEENA, CLOUD: No Teena, no shirt, no shoes, no service! >you're in no condition; SEPHIROTH: (Kefka) You're fat AND stupid. Forget it. >If you go out there, they're gonna tear you and the unborn baby up. Ultros: Hee, Hee, here's my chance, now that Teena is vulnerable, let's cast Unconcious. Kefka looks behind him. CALLIE: (Kefka; thinking) Damn, Ultros has a nice ass... CLOUD: Ultros doesn't even HAVE an ass! >Kefka:I don't think so, I'm not brain damaged you know, SELPHIE: Hard to tell. >I know your goddamn ideas!!! MATT: (Kefka) And I sold them to Russian Intelligence! >Kefka blocks Teena,when Ultros casts the Unconcious spell. Kefka:Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! SEPHIROTH: The Castle of... >Teena: Nooooooooooooooo, you bastards!!! ALL: Screw Kenny. >Then Kefka suffers in agony, CLOUD: And nobody cares one whit. >while Ultros and Chupon leaves. CALLIE: Then Ultros and Chupon burst into bloom. Awww, so pretty! >Then Kefka moans and has blood coming out of his nose, mouth and ears. MATT: And his tear ducts and from below his fingernails and his butthole and his genitals- CLOUD: Matt- MATT: Hey, if you can't handle a description of the "crash and burn" segment of the Ebola virus, I would suggest you stay out of the fanfic business. CLOUD: Like I have a choice. **moan** >Teena*upset*: Nooooooooooo, KEFKA!!! CALLIE and SELPHIE: Tee hee, duh! >Part 6 SEPHIROTH: Fuck this fic. >Teena was shocked and traumatized by Kefka's injury, SELPHIE: HE'S the one who's REALLY shocked and traumatized. >she was crying over his unconcious, blue and black body lying on the ground. Yes, Kefka was breathing, but he was vomiting blood. MATT: While he was unconscious?! WOW! Everyone in FF6 is REALLY talented! SELPHIE: Insert Sailor Jupiter joke here. >Teena: Kefka, Kefka, KEFKAAAAAAAAA!!! MATT: ~ FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRO! ~ >Then Shadow appeared. SEPHIROTH: (Shadow) Howdy-doodle! >Shadow: Teena,what happened??? *shocked*OH MY GOD!!! Teena: Ultros and Chupon did this to him.*hangs her head down* Mog snuck up on Shadow feelin' happy-go-lucky. CLOUD: Ah, I see his medication is taking effect. >Mog: HI SHADOW!!! CALLIE: ~ Hiiiiiiiiii Susie! ~ SELPHIE: ~ Hiiiiiiiiii April! What's the story morning glory? ~ CALLIE: ~ What's the tale nightengale? Did you hear about Kefka and Teena? ~ CALLIE and SELPHIE: ~ Well I hear he got killed... ~ MEN: ~ Ohhh, yeah... ~ CALLIE and SELPHIE: ~ Did she kiss him and cry? ~ MEN: ~ Whoa, nooo... ~ CALLIE and SELPHIE: ~ Did Ultros apologize-- ~ KEIRA: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (Everyone shuts up.) KEIRA: There will be NO MORE singing songs from Bye Bye Birdie on MY spaceship! Now get on with it! ALL: (mumbling) Bitch. >Shadow: AAACK!!! Mog, don't scare me like that!!! SELPHIE: (Shadow) I HATE that song! >Mog stares at Teena. CALLIE: (Mog) DAMN, YOU'RE UGLY! >Mog: TEENA,YOU BECAME FAT ALL OF THE SUDDEN!!! SEPHIROTH: (Teena) Like you're Kate Moss yourself, Sir Svelte-Be-Not! >Teena: Well, a new member will come join us. >Mog: Whaaaat? ALL: (Mog) EEEEEEEEEEEEW! CALLIE and SELPHIE: Tee hee, duh! >Teena: Egh, my belly aches!!! CLOUD: (Teena) Oooohhh, too many bean burritos... >Mog: You're......WAIT, YOU'RE PREGNANT! Who did this to you,Teena? Teena hangs her head down. CALLIE: (Teena) O.J. Simpson. SEPHIROTH: (Teena) Tuxedo Kamen-sama! CLOUD: (Teena) Simon de Bolivar. MATT: (Teena) Robert Smith. SELPHIE: (Teena) Satan. CLOUD: Okay, that was just a little TOO silly... >Teena: Kefka. SEPHIROTH: Uma, Oprah. Oprah, Uma. >Mog: Kef......ka? He did this. Teena: Mmmmmmmmm yeah. MATT: ~ Mmmmmmmbop, la la la la doo wop... ~ >Shadow: What's wrong, you don't wanna child? I have one and she's already 20 years. CLOUD: (Shadow) -in prison for Grand Theft Auto. >Hell, havin a hooligan is fun! ALL: YEEEEEEHAW! >Teena: No Shadow? SELPHIE: (Teena; Peter Pan) Will you sew my shadow on? >Mog became frightened when he saw a weakened Kefka. MATT: (Mog; flat) Noooooooooooooooo, not a weakened Kefka. I really enjoy getting my butt kicked all over Creation. Oh please, please, be strong, Kefka. >Mog: Teena, come here, now!!! CALLIE: (Teena) This is neither the time nor the place for that! CLOUD: UGH! >Shadow: Oh.....yeah! MATT: (Shadow; British) We've got the lights and the machine that goes PING...now, what are we missing? SELPHIE: (Nurse) The patient, sir. MATT: (Shadow; British) Ah, yes, the patient! Where's the patient? PATIENT?! >I hope Kefka will be okay. SEPHIROTH: Well, I, for one, don't. ::sulks:: >A suspicious tenticle comes towards Teena. ALL: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW~ >Relm, Epoh and Syron runs after Teena. Syron: Teena, watch out!!! Teena: .................? CALLIE and SELPHIE: Tee hee, duh! >Ultros' voice: Guess who, chick!!! MATT: (Teena) Santy Claus! >Teena screams. Teena: Murdering son of a b--ch!!! Syron, Relm, Epoh, Mayu and Mog: Teena!!! Jada comes in and rescues Teena and Kefka. SELPHIE: Just like that, huh? CLOUD: No point, no plot...no problem! >Ultros: Hey, Teena has her lil' friend helpin her. SELPHIE: (Teeny; Chibi-Usa) Luna-P, Attack! >Syron does his split-kick and thunder dance blitz. MATT: ~ Footloose! Footloose! Kick off your Sunday shoes! ~ >Ultros: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, you just hit da spot, Syron!!! Syron: @%&^! ALL: ~ Shut your @%&^ing face, uncle @%&^er! ~ >Epoh and Mog performs a double Earthblues dance. CALLIE: Look! It's Nomi Mallone and Cristal Connors! SEPHIROTH: That...was just WRONG. >Ultros: Whaa tha hell......OwwwwwOwwww Owie!!! CLOUD: (Ultros) Your choreography sucks more than Britney Spears with a vacuum! >Then Teena helps Relm cast Merton2, SELPHIE: (Nerdy guy) Hi, my name is Merton. **snort** You wanna see my arachnid collection? >UltimaX, and SEPHIROTH: (Throaty and seductive) UltimaX, for the discriminating wankoff's lonely 4 AMs. >Doompearle. CALLIE: John Steinbeck would be truly proud. (Everyone gives her a strange look.) CALLIE: Uh....nevermind. >Ultros:You brats may win this time,but I'll be back.*does his retardo laugh and runs away* Everyone *excluding Teena*: MATT: (Random fanfic character) Go away, Teena! We shun thee! SHUN! SHUN! CALLIE: With Teena, it's more like Dim Shun. (Various cat noises ensue.) >Sooooooooo long ze' Ultros!!! SELPHIE: (French) Now go away, before I taunt you a second time! >Teena: Kefka, I hope you can see our child. CLOUD: (Teena) We'll make a bundle on freak shows! >Part 7/The Epilogue ALL: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! >After the tedious fight with Ultros, Teena worries about Kefka's well being. SELPHIE: (Teena) Damn! Even with all those blows to the face, he's STILL ugly! >Teena: Kefka, can you hear me? Kefka? SEPHIROTH: (Teena) **smack** ARE YOU LISTENING, YOU STUPID PRICK?! >Mayu: I'd hate to say this, but, ALL: (Mayu) ...I don't like him. >that spell Ultros and Chupon casted on him was really........ CALLIE: Knights of the Round! CLOUD: Kickass! >Relm: NO, NOT DOOM!!! Mayu:Well Relm, that was the spell. MATT: (Mayu) So shuffle the cards and DEAL, girlfriend. CALLIE and SELPHIE: Tee hee, duh! >Do you have Phoenix with you? SEPHIROTH: (Relm) No, but I have Santa Fe... MATT: That's in New Mexico, I think. SEPHIROTH: Oh, like I LIVE on Earth. >Relm:Well, I have him, but, SELPHIE: (Relm) He OD'd on commas and he ain't doin' too good. >his last of his energy will be enough to revive Kefka!!! CLOUD: So...why was the "but" needed? MATT: So Kefka could sit down afterwards. CLOUD: I had to ask >_< >Teena: Oh, thank you Relm!!! Relm uses the Phoenix magicite then it broke into 99 pieces. SELPHIE: Wait, Kefka's alive and they can still use magic?! FUCK this, dude! MY game made more sense than this crap! >Kefka wakes up and feels very weak. Kefka: Oh Teena, oh Relm, thank you. Say, can you do me a favor? CALLIE: (Kefka) Get the strap-ons and the leather bikinis. Make sure you're slathered in watermelon body oil first. Don't forget the handcuffs and the strawberries. CLOUD: I chose to ignore the obvious. >Relm, Teena: Sure,anything!!! MATT: ~ Say anything, whatever you'd like to say to me... ~ >Kefka: Not to be barbaric or anything, but, CALLIE: (Kefka) ...do you get off on hamster bestiality? (Cloud calmly cleans his fingernails.) >can you two find a merchant for me to absorb some energy from? Teena, Relm: Uhhh, sure.*big sweat drop goes down their head* CALLIE and SELPHIE: Tee hee, duuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh! MATT: (Teena) It just HAS to be a merchant SPECIFICALLY, doesn't it? >Mayu: WAIT!!! Everyone: ..... ALL: (The whole group) YOU SUCK! >Jada: Teena needs rest. Teena:........MmmmmmHhhhhhhMmmmm.....OH, THE BABY IS BOUT TO COME!!! CLOUD: (flipping through a grammar textbook) Bout to come...bout to come... CALLIE and SELPHIE: TEE-FUCKING-HEE HEE AND A DUH! >Meanwhile, Relm goes to Thamasa. Merchant: Here to serve Kefka, aren't you??? SEPHIROTH: They called Miss Cleo again! >Relm silently kills the merchant and drains his blood dry. CALLIE: Did you know blood and semen have almost the exact same chemical makeup? CLOUD: Thanks bunches >_< >Relm: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, MATT: ~ The joy of colaaaaa.... ~ >this will do. SELPHIE: (Relm) That'll do, pig. That'll do. >Then Kefka is in a room alone with Teena. CLOUD: And since we all know how that goes, can we skip it? KEIRA: Not a chance, sexybuns. (Cloud mutters something incredibly rude.) >Teena: I love you Kef.......AAAAAAAAAACK, THE BABY!!!! (Callie starts yanking on Matt's hair) CALLIE: (Teena) YOU BASTARD! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! IF I DON'T EXPLODE I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL SCRAPE YOUR LITTLE WORM OFF WITH A CARROT PEELER! MATT: (Looking terrified and pulling Callie's hand away from him) I have seriously reconsidered my former desire for us to have kids. >Kefka appears at the end of the bed while Teena pushes. Kefka: Come on Teena, keep pushing. SELPHIE: (Teena) Why should I have the be a pusher, since you aren't?! >Teena: Owwww Owwww. SEPHIROTH: (Teena; flat) Good lord how it hurts. >Kefka: Good, you about got it. Relm comes back to the room and feeds Kefka the blood; Kefka is cured. MATT: (Kefka) Mmmmmm, nummers! >Kefka: Thanx. CALLIE and SELPHIE: Tee hee, duh! >Relm: Anytime!!! Oh, the baby is sooooo cute. CLOUD: Wow, that was fast O_O;;; >Teena: Say, Kefka, SELPHIE: Okay. Kefka! Ha ha ha, this is fun! Now YOU say something! (Everyone gives her a meaningful look.) SELPHIE: Like it was any dumber than the fic. >whatcha gonna name her? Kefka: I'll name her Nanai.(Hawaiian for beautiful goddess) CALLIE: How about "Kuso-atama"? That's a nice name. Japanese for shithead. >Epilogue SEPHIROTH: Everyone died. The end. >Nanai was the heroine of Death dance. MATT: ...whatever the hell that means. >She is the youngest and the leader of her party. Her friend is a mystian named Pulpa. CALLIE: She's friends with a mystical vulva?! CLOUD: All right, that's more than enough. >She is 13 years old and has black hair, blue eyes and has tan skin with a violet design on her face. SELPHIE: (sarcastically) Wow, she sure looks a whole heap like Kefka and Terra/Teena. CLOUD: Especially with that terrible zit problem turning her face purple. >But for now, Nanai, Teena and Kefka will now live a peaceful life. MATT: Until they are forced to be in more awful fanfics. >THE END!!! ALL: GO TO HELL!