The Top Six Reasons Why Computers Are Female
Jo muddat se hota aaya hai,
woh repeat kar doonga...
Tu naa mili
to apni zindagi
ctrl+alt+delete kar doonga...
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Shayad mere pyar ko
taste karna bhool gaye...
Dil sey aisa
cut kiya
ke paste karna bhool gaye...
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Laakhon honge nigaah mein
kabhi mujhe bhi pick karo...
Mere pyaar ke icon pe
kabhi to double-click karo...
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Kal jab mile thhe
to dil mein hua ek sound.
Aur aaj mile to kehte hain
your file not found!
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Aisa bhi nahin hai ke
I don't like your face.
Par dil ke storage mein
no more disk space.
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Ghar se jab tum nikle
pehen ke reshmi gown.
Jaane kitne dilon ka
ho gaya server down.
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Jabse meri zindagi mein,
aayi hai ek female.
Bhool gaya hai sab kuchh
kya mailbox, kya e-mail.
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Dil se ek ishq ki
application create kar raha
hoon.
Pyaar se debug karna
mein wait kar raha hoon.
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Tumhaare intezaar mein
neend aayee so gaya.
Yeh dekho mera isp connection
time out ho gaya..
There was a pilot flying a
small single engine charter plane, with a
couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle
airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his
instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark.
After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the
passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in
the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on
the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window
and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office
worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the
window,
executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind
landing
on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so
does
the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple"
replies
the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The
answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless,
therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the
airport is just a while away."
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6. As soon as you
have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future
reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you".
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of
your paycheck on accessories for it.
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CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete
in Month
PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can’t See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realise Our Software Only Fools
Teenagers
CA: Constant Acquisitions
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LIPS: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Application Crash; If Not, The Operating System
Hangs
AAAAA: American Associations Against Acronym Abuse
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See IS What You Might Get If You’re Really
Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
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If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the
process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to
understand.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
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1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department
that the other 10 aren't really bugs, they're features.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and
discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product
announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the
product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be
found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but
introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from
Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from
their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to
redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...
(probably the orginal programmer)
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AT&T VIRUS Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
getting.
MCI VIRUS Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for
the AT&T virus.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls itself a "virus," but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it
is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor
about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS Activates every component in your system, just before the
whole damn thing quits.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says
everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really
mad just thinking about it.
GALLUP VIRUS Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their
data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or
error).
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a
message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but
doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
AIRLINE VIRUS You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.
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Q: What's the difference between Microsoft Windoze and a computer virus?
A: The virus does less damage, takes up less disk space, and is easier to
get
rid of it!!
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I once had a life,
now I have a computer and a modem...