"MAMA AND OMA"
By James Robert Collinsworth Gottliebe Jr.
FADE IN:(A park bench in front of a Grocery store.)
(Janita and Mama enter from center stage right, Janita is leading Mama to the bench “center stage” to wait out side the store for her)
Janita- Mama, Mama, MA...MA!
Mama- (sitting down) WHAT IS IT BABY GIRL?
Janita- Give me the healthcare card for the aid!
Mama- What? You know I can’t hear you!
Janita- CARD, CARD FOR YOUR HEARING AID!
Mama- (reaching in to her purse and pulling out money) Here you are! This should be enough!
Janita- OK, BUT I NEED YOUR HEATH CARD!
Mama- (reaching in to her purse) I don’t think I have it!
Janita- Mama! You need a heath card to get your hearing aid!
Mama- What?
Janita- (Frustrated) Never mind I got a plan! Just wait for me here, outside the store!
Mama-Who?
Janita-NO MAMA,(point at grocery store) OUTSIDE THE STORE!
Mama-Ok!
Janita- I will also be getting the eggs for your women club gathering tonight.
Mama- What? You got to fight! What you got to fight for?
Janita-(Frustrated) NO MAMA! Never mind.(Exit up center stage)
(Robert and Oma enter from center stage left, Robert is leading Oma to the bench “center stage” to wait out side the store with Mama)
Robert-(German accent) Hier Oma, have a set down!
Oma-(German accent) Was?
Robert- I AM GOING TO NEED YOUR PRESCRIPTION!
Oma- (sitting down) WAS?
Robert- PRESCRIPTION, PRESCRIPTION, I NEED THE PRESCRIPTION!
Oma- (upset) Nein! I gave you the right amount!
Robert- (Frustrated) No, not money, PRESCRIPTION!!
Oma- (Giggling) No prescription, Alf has known me for years just tell him it’s me!
Robert-THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS, THEY NEED PAPER.....
Oma- NO! Just go and get my medicine.
Robert- Oma! You need to have a legal document to...
Oma- (upset) Oh be quiet you know I can’t hear you! Go get me my medicine!!
Robert-(Frustrated) Ach, Never mind.(Exit up center stage)
(Mama and Oma have not seen each other yet, and slowly turn to face each other.)
Mama and Oma- (together) Oh, Hi I didn’t see you there! WHAT?
Mama- I didn’t hear what you said.(Angry) I lost my hearing aid in the toilet this morning, So if it seems that I can’t hear you good, I can’t! I am here to get a new one before the meeting!
Oma- What did you say? I came from the doctor, and he said this ear infection should clear up with the medicine I
came here to get. You may have to speak up for me to hear you correctly.
Mama- HUH?
Oma- How is Janita? She is well!
Mama- How is Robert? He good right?
Oma- The women club meeting is tonight, yes?
Mama- You be coming to the meeting tonight right?
Mama and Oma- (together) WHAT!?
Oma- Nice Weather we’re having.
Mama- Yeah, This season has been wetter.
Oma- Yes, I should be feeling better. But only because of the medicine.
Mama- (confused) Thomas Edison? What you talking about Edison for?
Mama and Oma- (together) WHAT?
Mama- (Remembering something pleasant) Oh, I saw a deer on the way up here.
Oma- (shocked) It’s not nice to call people queer.
Mama- No, I didn’t have any fear, I knew couldn’t hit it.
Oma- (upset) I am not a bigot, queer is not a nice word to use to describe another human being.
Mama- Thank you, I love my new shoes.(looking down at her feet)
Mama and Oma- (together) WHAT!
Oma- (delighted) You know riding in a horse Carriage is always fun in the fall of the years. (Looking around at the trees)
Mama- (confused) Marriage?
Oma- I remember seeing one in book I read as a little girl.
Mama- I guess, if your in love. What you getting married for?
Oma- No, I don’t think it was called the Dove, it was a Brothers Grimm fair tale.
Mama- why should only normal folk go throw all the stress.(laughter)
Oma- (confused) What about a Mess?
Mama and Oma- (together) WHAT?
Mama- (Happy and Hungry) Tonight we going to be eating good, I am cooking Jack Mack. You and the whole
women club is going to love it!
Oma- (Confused) What? Who got Smacked?
Mama-(Hungry and excited) With a little Cornbread and beans.
Oma- (Going in to a long story)I believe in Smacking some one, Punch never! But a good smack, is what some
people need.
Mama- (Building excitement) Mash potatoes, greens, salad!
Oma- I only got in a real fight once or so in my life.
Mama- To drink, Milk or water or Pepsi or Coke,
Oma- It was with a Russian man, tall as a tree.
Mama-(confused) What’s the difference between Pepsi and Coke?
Oma- (grossed out) He was hairy as the Devil.
Mama- (Hungry again) Anyway both made of sugar.
Oma- (upset) One good hit to his furry face and he was down.
Mama- (Building excitement and Hunger) Never mind, After supper pumpkin pie, apple pie,
Oma- The other was with a Jewish woman, she was tall as a tree.
Mama- Blue berry pie, cherry pie, Black seed pie,
Oma- She was so mean, and hateful for no reason.
Mama- Poppy seed pie, apple,,,(confused) No I said that one.
Oma- She started yelling in Yiddish or was is Hebrew?
Mama- (unsettled) Now I said Apple, and pumpkin, I know that.
Oma- Anyway, she hit me right in my stomach.
Mama- (upset) You know your old when can’t remember what you just said.
Oma- I tried not to fight, My father said never hit a Jew.
Mama-(counting furiously) Lets see Apple, pumpkin, Blue berry, cherry, Black seed,
Oma- (Angry) She just refused to stop, so I popped her in the face.
Mama- Poppy seed,(suddenly calming down) what do they make out of Poppy seeds?
Oma- Her father was a Rabbi, so you think she would be nicer.
Mama-Opium, that’s what Poppy seeds make, What’s Opium?
Oma- (Furious) She hit me in my nose, so I returned the favor.
Mama- Opium is a pain killer right? I think I was on it for my knee.
Oma- (yelling) She swore like a sinner on Holiday!
Mama- Poppy seeds make something else, I can’t remember what that is. Can you?
Oma- (angrily calming down) If her Father heard what I heard, he would tape her to the Torah.
Mama-(Excited that she remembered) Codeine, that it.
Oma- I won that one, a good blow to the head and she was out.
Mama- Codeine, that’s good drug, had me sleeping for four days.
Oma- (sorrowful) I felt bad for winning a fight with a Jew so I got us both ice cream.
Mama and Oma- (together) WHAT?
Mama- (looking at her watch) Lord! where is she? I need to get working them eggs.
Oma-(unsettled) I know! I don’t like it when people beg, I never have spare.
Mama-(complaining) Janita never was fast at any thing but cooking.
Oma- I always have correct amount, nothing more. Robert dose not like it when I do that,(Mocking Robert) “You should always have extra change Oma!” (Unsettled) Yes more change for a thieve to steal.
Mama- (Proud) She got that from me, because her grandpa couldn’t cook crap, her Mom couldn’t cook crap, only me.
Oma- (Detesting) I don’t like that girl he’s with now, all the body piercing, like you need that many holes.
Mama and Oma- (together) WHAT?
(Janita enters from center stage to Mama,)
Janita- (tapping Mama on her shoulder) MAMA! I TOLD YOU! YOU NEED A HEATH CARE CARD! I TRIED TO FLIRT WITH THE NEW PHARMACY GUY BUT I DON’T THINK HE’S STRAIGHT!
Mama- That’s not my fault!
Oma- Hello Janita!
Janita- Hey Miss Guttmann! How’s your big boy Robert, ain’t seen him around for some years!
Mama and Oma- (together) WHAT?
Janita- NOTHING! I JUST GOING TO RUN HOME TO GET YOUR CARD MAMA!
BYE YA’LL! (Exiting center stage right)
Oma- You have a nice, girl! I hope Robert will meet a girl like her one day!
Mama- (surprised) The new pharmacy guy ain’t straight?
(Robert enters from center stage to Oma)
Robert- (poking Oma) OMA!
Oma- Ja?
Robert- ALF DON’T REMEMBER ME! I HAVE BEEN AWAY TO LONG! I AM GOING TO NEED A
PRESCRIPTION! NO PRESCRIPTION, NO MEDICINE!
Oma- (unhappy) Don’t ask me to go in, I am having a very nice conversation with Mama! Right Mama?
Mama- What?
Robert- GIVE ME SOME ID, MAYBE THAT WILL SPARK HIS MEMORY!
Oma- (Digging in her purse) Hier! Now go get my medicine!
Robert- OK! Good evening Mama! (Silence) Never mind! (Exit to center stage)
(A woman and her child enter from upper stage left and stand next to the Bench to look at their store list)
Oma-(Looking over at the child) I remember when Robert was a child, he was so cute.
Mama- Janita played the flute, she wasn’t very good.
Oma- (confused) The Hood? No, Robert didn’t grow up in the Hood.
Mama- (laughing) I know I couldn’t, if I tried.
Oma- (Proud) He grew up in a very nice place near Berlin Germany.
Mama-I never tried to do anything musical, I am not sure why!
Oma-(Looking over at the baby again) Yes the baby dose have pretty eyes.
Mama- I should have tried out for the Church Choir.
(The woman begins to look at the old ladies as if they were crazy)
Mama- (Noticing the child) Oh my what a funny looking baby!
Woman-(shocked) I AM SORRY!
Oma- (Looking at the woman confused) What?
Mama- (Laughing) I would be too If I had that!
Woman- (shocked and repulsed) HOW DARE YOU; YOU OLD BIRD!
Oma- (Horrible shocked and angry) Well, I don’t see why you are mad at me for saying your child has pretty eyes.
Mama-(Laughing) Who you cheat on your husband with the Bogeyman?(Laughing Hysterical)
Woman- (Furious) YOU EVIL OLD CRONE, I HAVE NEVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO MY HUSBAND! COULD I SAY THE SAME FOR YOU?
Oma- (Unbelievable furious, stands up) WIRKLICH? With the looks of your puss I wouldn’t be surprised if the baby was switched at the hospital!
Woman- (confused and crying exits running upper stage left)
Mama- (Hysterical Laughing) I would run to if I had an alien baby.
Oma- (sitting down and calming her self) It’s women like her that give us a bad name.
Mama- (Gasping for air) Oh, Lord... Lord, I ain’t laughed that hard in an age.
Oma- (still a little angry) With a mother like that, the child will probably grow up to be a thug.
Mama- (Giggling) Yeah, I saw that Mug, good Jesus; that would scare that devil back to heaven.
Oma- (confused) What are you laughing about?
Oma and Mama- (together) WHAT?
Mama- (anxious) If Janita don’t get back soon I am walking home! I should have walked up here myself! It’s only, what five miles right? I should have been home and cooking by now! I am so hungry, (reaching in her purse and
pulling out a chicken leg) Lord good thing I remembered to bring some left overs! (Smile really big)
Oma- (Looking over) WHERE IS MEIN!?
Mama- WHAT YOU MEAN? YOU DON’T GET ONE!
Oma- WHY NOT? I AM VERY HUNGRY!
Mama- SO! YOU GERMAN! WHEN ARE YOU NOT HUNGRY?
Oma- WHAT ARE YOU TRING TO SAY? I AM FAT?
Mama- WELL IF THE CLOSE DON’T FIT!
Oma- (sadly) I am not talking to you until you say your sorry!
Mama- What? (Continue eating for a moment of silence)
(Then you here a police siren, and two officers run on stage for center stage right then two more enter running from center stage left ,two of the officers run into each other and Officer 1 falls down)
Officer 2- (reaching down to help officer 1 up) SORRY, SORRY!
(Then both run in to the store!)
Oma-(to Mama) Apology accepted!
Mama- Huh?
Oma- What else do you have in your purse? I have (opening her purse...) a napkin, a pin and paper, my cent pouch, a dagger, some....
Mama- (looking over) GOOD LORD! MY CHICKEN AIN’T THAT GOOD!
Oma- Chicken?
Mama and Oma- (together) What?
(Janita runs on stage from center stage right, Janita is messed up and tired; she out of breath from running)
Janita- (gasping and hands on her knees) WHEEZE, WHEEZE, WHEEZE!!!
Mama- (jumping up) WHAT’S WRONG BABY GIRL?
Oma- (jumping up) OH MY, ARE YOU OK?
Janita- (catching her breath) THE CAR!
Mama- (angry) WHAT YOU MEAN THE CAR?
Oma- (sitting down) Oh my!
Janita- (sitting down) Lord give me a minute!
Mama- WHAT HAPPEN TO THE CAR? WHERE’S MY HEATH CARD? AND ARE YOU OK?
Janita- (jumping up) OK, SEE WHAT HAPPEN WAS..
Mama- (throwing up her hands) OH LORD!!
Janita- I WAS RUSHING HOME TO GET YOUR CARD! THEN ON THE WAY BACK I SAW THIS GUY AND WELL SEE WHAT HAPPEN WAS..
Mama- (sitting down) OH HEAVEN NO! I KNOW YOU DIDN’T TOTAL MY CAR BECAUSE OF A MAN!
(The officers come back out with Robert in handcuffs.)
Robert- OMA, OMA! HELP THERE HAS BEEN A MISS UNDERSTANDING!
Oma- (running over to him) WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT HAPPENED? I SEND YOU TO GET MEDICINE AND YOU GET ARRESTED?
Robert- (panicking) THEY THINK I STOLE YOUR ID CARD! TELL THEM YOU GAVE IT TO ME, TELL THEM TELL THEM!
Janita- (flirting) Robert!
Robert- (interested) Janita?
Oma- THIS IS ALL MESSED UP! LET’S GO IN TO THE STORE AND SORT THIS ALL OUT!
(Then the officers, Robert and Oma all go in to the store.)
Mama- (furious) Sit down you nasty thing!
Janita- Now I didn’t mean to crash and I wasn’t far from the store so I ran! I also got the guys number! So all is ok! Now when did Robert get in to town? Has he been working out?
Mama- (annoyed) You know I don’t understand a word COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! I just wanted to tell you..(grabbing her by the arm) IF YOU DON’T GET MY HEARING AID I AM GOING TO LET YOU SEE
JESUS! (Calming her self) Now if you could stop being a hoe bag long enough could you get some pie for the meeting.
Janita- But you were going to bake a pie at home!
Mama- I WON’T BE HOME SOON ENOUGH TO BAKE ANYTHING BUT YOUR BE HIND! Now please go get what I ask for, OK!
Janita- (scared) Ok Mama, ok! (Exiting center stage)
(Enter is Rev, Morgan from center stage left)
Rev- Good morning Mama! (Silence) Good morning Mama! (Silence then walk up and tap her on her shoulder)
Mama- (jumping up ready to fight) WHO IS IT!?
Rev- (crouching in fear) Oh good God don’t hurt me!
Mama- Oh it’s you, what’s you crouching for?
Rev- (pulling him self together) I said good morning to you and you didn’t respond!
Mama- What? I am sorry my hearing aid is gone, you going to have to yell for me to hear you!
Rev- OH! I SAID GOOD MORNING.
Mama- Oh, good morning.
(Both take a sit)
Rev- IS EVERY THING OK? I SAW SISTER JANITA RUNNING FROM A CAR CRASH AND A YOUNG MAN FOLLOWING HER!
Mama- Oh that’s just my little baby being a hoe bag, pray for her could you please?
Rev- BOTH OF YOU ARE ALWAYS IN MY PRAYERS. I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU ON SUNDAY LATELY, HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING YOUR TITHES? THEY SAY IF YOU PAY YOUR TITHES YOU RECEIVE BLESSINGS!
Mama- (thinking) Well Rev, you’ll receive my tithes when I ‘m blessed with a ride home!
Rev- (caught off guard) WELL I CAN’T TAKE YOU NOW, BUT AFTER I GET SOME BREAD AND WINE
FOR THE CHURCH I’LL BE RIGHT OUT TO TAKE YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER HOME!
Mama- (nosey) Bread and wine? Is that for communion?
Rev- (nervous) SURE, THAT’S WHAT IT’S FOR! (Exiting center stage)
Mama- Drunk!
(Oma exits from center stage and sits down)
Oma- (sighing) Oh my that was horrible!
Mama- The drunk Shepard of God, offered to give me a ride home!
Oma- How could they mistake Robert for a thug?
Mama- Did you see him going in to the store.
Oma- Just because he looks a little boorish dose not mean he’s a bad person.
Mama- He’s probably drunk right now.
Oma- His father was like that. Big and hairy!
Mama- I really think I should walk home and leave hoe bag and Mr., drunk here.
Oma- Alf finally realized that it was me and the Robert was little Robby.
Mama- If he crashes I am going to have to break one of the commandments, and we all know which one that is.
Oma- Alf’s a good man just a little senile. He should retire soon.
Mama- Some times I feel you and me are the only ones with half a brain in this town.
(All the officers leave the store center stage and go the way they came in)
Officer 1- Sorry for the problem Miss Guttmann. (Silence)
Officer 2 - Come one man, you know those two old women are evil!
(Both exit)
Mama- (looking at her watch) Look at the time! The meeting starts in an hour, and I am going let you know that the hoe Mrs., Jackson is going to be at my door ready tell me how she is always early. That she would have had the meeting started by now.
Oma- (worried) I hope they give Robert the medicine now. I would hate to be late to the meeting tonight.
Mama- She always trying to get what I have, jealous old crone. Her and her harlot daughter is going to have a rude awaking when one day they push me to far and they have to meet old betty.
Oma- I’ve bought the grandest blouse and skirt to go to the women gathering.
Mama- (laughing and tapping on her purse) O’betty she sure got rid of some people in her day, got me in trouble but you know how that is.
(Robert and Janita exit the store with bags, and go off to the side behind Oma and Mama. Upper stage left.)
Janita- (Flirting) Thanks for helping me with my bag.
Robert- (Clueless) You’re welcome. I haven’t seen you for so long.
Janita- (Flirting more) Your big strong arms sure work out with the heavy bags. (Groping his arms)
Robert- (Surprised) Oh, really?
Janita- (Up close to him) Yes, you would be great around the house, and other rooms.
Robert- (Stunned) Oh, my!
Janita- (Not moving away) Maybe you could drop by tonight, around eleven o’clock.
Robert- (Stunned but really happy) Oh...Oh,,Let me break up with my girlfriend and I’ll be over.
Janita-(pulling out a pen and piece of paper) Here is my new address!
Robert- (Taking the paper) Aye, Never knew you liked me like that, at lest as a child.
Janita- (Walking away to get Mama) You’re not a child anymore you’re a man!
(Robert waits still stunned and then walks over to get Oma)
Janita- (To Mama) So you have a good time?
Mama- What?
Janita- (Frustrated) Did..You..Have..A good..TIME!?
Mama- Oh, yea Oma and me talk, talk, talk, talk!
Robert- OMA GEHEN WIR ZU HAUS JEZTZ!
Oma- (standing up) Ok, It was nice talking to you Mama!
Mama- What?
Oma- Yes, What?
Mama- BYE, OMA!
Oma- Yes, tschuss!
(Oma and Robert exit center stage left and Rev, Morgan exits with his groceries)
Rev- YOU READY MAMA!
Mama- (Getting up) Janita give me my hearing aid and my card.
Janita- (pulling them out of the bag) HERE YOU WANT ME TO PUT THE AID IN YOUR EAR.
Mama- (grabbing the aid) No I can do it for my self! (Popping them in her ears.)
Janita- CAN YOU HEAR ME!?
Mama- (overwhelm) what you yelling for?(turning to leave)
Janita- (grabbing Mama’s arm) Mama I got to tell you something.
Mama- (Confused) What are you doing? I am hungry!
Janita- (Gets real close and talks in Mama’s ear) I won’t be able to stay long for dinner with you and the others!
Mama- (unsettled) Why?
Janita- I need to get ready for a night of magic.
Mama- (Giggling) You a nasty child, get me home!
(Janita and Mama exit center stage right, wait a bit and the woman with the child come back)
Woman- (slowly looking around, sneaking up to the bench) I am so glad those two crazy crones are gone. One was a southern Negro and the other was a Nazi.(You hear yelling off stage and then Mama run on stage after the woman pulling out Old betty chasing and shooting her upper stage left)
Janita- (chasing Mama upper stage left) MAMA, MAMA DON’T HURT THE WHITE LADY!
FADE OUT: Rev- (chasing Mama and Janita upper stage left) Good God Mama no! Think on Jesus, JESUS!
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