Andy's Alley - Ang Munting Bukayo

I wanted to see Matrix Revolution on the very first day that it was shown. I do not know what came into me, but maybe its just that I wanted to enjoy the “privilege” of telling how good the movie is to people who still have to see it. But then, I made a promise to my 10 year old brother. I promised him that I will treat him for the movie.

You see 10 year olds have great memory. It all started a month back when we were talking in the van while going somewhere. I do not know how it came about but eventually my brother begun asking me questions about the story of the Matrix. From part one, to its sequel. Eventually, I promised him that I will bring him with me when I see the last of the trilogy. On the day he found out the movie was already shown, he came to me early in the morning and told me that it was already showing in theatres. He asked me when we will be going to see it. Since payday was still a week ahead, I told him that we will watch it on Friday, that was the day I was going to receive my salary. That was a Monday and everyday thereafter, he will wake me up each morning reminding me of the movie. On Thursday night he told me to go home early so that we can watch the movie. For my part, I wasn’t really sure of watching that movie on that day. I wanted to ask my crush in the office to go to pizza as it was the meal we were talking about that whole day. I thought that I can just call my brother after pizza so that he’ll be brought to Glorietta, once I am done with having pizza. But, at the back of my mind, I do not really want to watch the movie at that time. If ever my officemate would go with me, I would like to spend that night with her until she finally call it a day. I can’t help it, when I started day dreaming about my crush, I completely ignored my brother’s excitement in seeing the movie. When you become insensitive of people, you simply do not get what you want. My officemate had other plans that night, so I decided to call my brother so that we can watch the movie. It was raining at that time and Daddy did not allow him to go, even if he was to be brought by the driver to the mall. It was good that I had another officemate with me. It wasn’t a boring night after all, but then I realized how it felt so good when people don’t let you down. My crush ruined my dream of a perfect night with her when she had to do something else. And my brother who can not go to the mall because he wasn’t allowed to. I was so frustrated with how the day become that it just felt really good when my officemate was there with me. She simply do not know how much she cheered me up.

And so that next day, I promise that I will take my brother to the movie, even if my crush will tell me that she will go with me wherever I want. I won’t let my brother down. We weren’t able to see the movie because I had to do something at work but eventually we saw it on Sunday. My brother was thrilled. When we went out of the movie house, he made me his robot. He would hold my hand and then we will walk with him in my front as if he is the one controlling me, just like the one in the matrix. I know he was extremely happy when he saw the movie and I was happy knowing that I made him that happy. Later on, I learned from our driver that my brother actually insisted that he be allowed to see the movie with me that night when it was raining. He insisted to Daddy that he wanted to watch the movie. In fact, on Saturday when I preparing to go to work, he went to my room and he was crying when he asked me when we will be watching the movie. I felt guilty. I was so selfish and I completely ignored my brother’s feelings all because I wanted to secure a date with an officemate. I could see the delight in his eyes even while we were going to the movie house. I was still buying popcorn for both of us but he ran inside the movie house to see if it was already showing. He insisted that I buy him the drink that has Matrix tumblers with it, the tumblers are now proudly displayed in the house.

I realized how much joy I can give by simply not breaking a promise. I saw it in my own eyes how joyful my brother is. And I felt guilty because I hesitated to give him that joy. When we assure people that we will do what we said we will do, however little, it lightens up their day. It makes them see you in a better light and it makes them feel that they are important. I saw that in the eyes of my brother. I did enjoy the movie, but I enjoyed it more when I saw the glow in his face after we saw it. That is something I will remember, always keep your promise, no matter how little.

How does one find the perfect one? Although the world has become a sanctuary of the most difficult people to understand, and that our complicated lives has also complicated the way we look at things, one thing remained. Although we may not readily admit it, the truth remains that we really aspire to find our perfect partner. Just like Romeo went to heaven and hell for Juliet, it is still the goal of every human being to find their Romeos or Juliets as the case maybe.

I began serious thought on this matter after abstaining from the dating scene for two years. I started to think things over and by some twist of fate met people and began seeing the whole nature of human beings when it comes to finding that perfect partner.

A friend of mine once told me that to be able to please a girl; you must let her feel that she is beautiful. Boys will come up with the most inventive flattery that they can think of and still be sure that although the girl may not look like it had and effect on her, she will be touched, unless the remark is done in the most horrible timing. I once owned an electric dictionary and calculator. It was more of like a calculator only that it has words instead of numbers. When I had my first major crush on somebody, I started writing poetry. I was never thought how to I write one and so I simply tried to find words from my electronic gadget that will get my message across. The girl and I never made it to more than friends but then, I’m pretty sure that whatever flattery it is that I thought of the, it sure did made an impression.

For so many of us, our life is somehow based on how we are appreciated. I can confidently say that everybody is “kulang sa pansin” only that some people are just too weird when they show that nature. In the same way that women are enthralled by flattery, men are also dumbfounded when women show their affection towards them. It goes to say that at the core of both the male and female soul is the burning passion to love and be loved.

Really if we go to the bottom line of this very scenario, life is about other people. Anybody who says otherwise is lying or being hypocritical. It is a natural phenomenon such that we can be passive about it and yet it will continue to occur. I would like to think that the better way to do it is to confront the issue head-on. How do I like to be appreciated?

I can only say that I have really loved in a romantic way once. At that time even at my age, I was sure that I was in love. I was willing to do everything for this girl to the point of swallowing my pride at times. Even until this very day I can say that the 4 years and so with her are some of the greatest memories I will forever cherish. And you know what made it last that long? Because with her, I simply knew what I wanted to be, I was sure what I wanted to do, and I knew that I wanted to be with her. I like it when we ate together whether in some fancy restaurant, a fast food, or even the “isawan” in UP. I like it when I hold her hand while watching movies and gently kissing it. I like it when we walk side by side with each other as if nothing else matters. I like it when you just cuddle and hold each other like you are clinging to your dear life. In fact, even until this very day, I wouldn’t hesitate if the opportunity to make that happen comes again. Love really made wonders for me. And my idealism on a loving relationship came from that wonderful period of my life when I felt that this is one of the most wonderful pleasures of life. I knew it; I was to love somebody as if I loved myself. I lost that one because at some point I never did tell her what I really felt. I was enjoying every bit of it but I never really told her that I enjoyed it. I never told her how happy I was with her and I never told her that I really loved her. Now, I do not know where she is, what matters now are the lessons that I gathered, never ever hesitate to show and tell people that you love them even if you think they already know.

And so I think I’m falling again. After a two year reprieve from that arena, I think I have something going on here. After my brief period of confusion, I remember myself and God. I remember how much he taught me after that heartbreak. I remember that this time is my reckoning, this is the time when she is all I’ve got. This is the time when even if I have to beg God to make our circumstances right, I will. I will wait for the Lord to make the first move, in the meantime, I’ll show her I how I feel, I’ll tell her what’s inside at the same time praying very hard that God will grant me this request.

And so, how do we find the perfect one, simple, we pray that God will make it perfect and then we do what we are to do as normal human beings, love people.

When you see a creature of beauty you do not walk by it and just pretend that nothing happened. You look at it intently and be amazed. You see beauty is not just an ordinary sight. It is extraordinary enough for it to have some effect in your inner system That is why you can’t help it but react to it, you simply won’t ignore a feeling that will sweep you away, and you can pretend but the fact remains that your life has changed when beauty is right before your eyes

Life is full of beauty; one will never be able to count how much beauty there is in this world. For most of us, it becomes a natural phenomenon that we no longer consider extraordinary. For quite a while I really thought that it does not affect me, but then in life everything has a reckoning. In your least expected circumstance, you are unable to contain it and suddenly all your kept emotions will burst in the open and then you no longer have control over it. You just can’t help it, you become entranced to a state of oblivion, you become confused and suddenly you question your whole personality. You begin to enter into a period of personality assessment, you exert all your mind power and then you wonder why. You wonder why in just one moment you begin to try and make an assessment of yourself, you realize that life is not just about yourself, you realized that not everything that can make you happy can be explained and finally you realize that something must be amiss in your life.

It is never really a question of sanity that a person begins to see things in different light. I am not confused over my level of rationality. I am perfectly aware that I am still normal, still within the natural level of reason and logic, but what makes me write this way right now is something that I myself do not understand also. Something that no matter how much I try to fathom, I can’t. How could something out of the blue like this happen to me? I still do not know, I do not understand. What I am aware of right now is that this is something that I will enjoy finding out. This must be a defining moment in my life.

Yes, this must be love. In the span of this write-up, I know that I did not make sense. I know that by reading this I have created more confusion because even me, as the writer, I also do not know where this will lead me, how much more you? But in this life, we all get the chance to feel something so great that we just have to express it. People may not understand what you felt, but they will understand that it is great. If life can all be explained then where is the fun of it? I am enjoying what I am experiencing and as long as I enjoy it, I will continue to express it. My apologies.

I have just turned 21 last week. Technically, the males 21st birthday is his debut and although no major celebration happened, I find it fitting to mark this day by honoring the top 21 people that made me who I am today.

1. My mother – Although she died even before I realized so many things about life, the foundation that she laid down on my character became the key to the way I manage to hurdle every obstacle of my life. It was her spirit that made me persevere and be patient with life even if sometimes I feel that God must be punishing me. I really feel that she is the epitome of motherhood, the mother who will do everything just to make sure that her children will have a good life and be good individuals. She reminded me how it is to trust God completely even when you are dying.
2. My Kuya Allen – I did not like my eldest brother when we were younger. I felt he was selfish and he never cared for us. But when my mother died, he took it upon himself to see to it that our mother’s legacy will continue to dwell in our lives. He is the adhesive that bonds the three of us together towards becoming better people. Although I rarely see him because he’s assigned somewhere far, he remains to be the person that I find comfort and security, with him by my side I know I will make it through life
3. My Nanay Mediong – she may have seen me as a bad boy when I was younger. At the time when I was too immature to handle things, we often quarrel, most of the time on petty things. But now that I am older, I value her as my second mother. If not for her, I could have not done anything that will make my life better. She took it upon herself to care for us even if it meant that she has to sacrifice her own personal happiness. I can not quantify how much she has given up just to make sure that the three of us will be well
4. My younger brother – he is my inspiration. Although we do not have the usual bonding, I see him as my inspiration to make sure that I make right decisions always, bearing in mind that he is right behind me. I try my best to be the best person I can be so that my younger brother will have a good role model and also to assure him that even if he was not able to enjoy much of our mother; he is assured that his life is taken cared of by people that love him.
5. My father – For the longest time I hated him and yet because of that experience I was able to realize so many wonderful things in life at an early age. I see in him how is it to be human. Although he has committed mistakes in his life, he had the guts to accept that he was wrong and rectify his mistakes, its better late than never. I see in him that being a man is not something that is perfect and full of grandeur, it is actually accepting your faults and taking responsibility for your actions
6. Auntie Arlene – I already have so many mothers but this Aunt of mine is definitely one of those in the top list. Her daughter, my cousin, once told me that she was mad at us for a time for giving her mother headaches every time we do something that is not good and I realized that it is the mother in her that prevailed. I remembered one time when she told me that whatever happens, it is the family that will help each other.
7. Ate Baging – the eldest daughter of Auntie Arlene. She is the ate in the real sense of the word. She’s one person who is always one step ahead of me and oftentimes I do not understand her advises at the time she gives it to me but later on those are the things that make me understand my predicament easier.
8. Ian Fortugaleza – my favorite cousin. He died at a young age but he left a lasting imprint in me. He showed me how wonderful and beautiful life is even if you have limited resources. He was my partner in crime in enjoying the little things that money can not buy. He showed me what a wonderful thing it is to have lots and lots of friends that care for you.
9. Pepito Silva – my good friend from Silliman University. He was the one who introduced me to Christ and he never ceased to tell me the goodness of God until I finally understood. He was the one person that God sent to remind me that life here on earth is about God and nothing else.
10. Maila – the first girl that made my heart go wild. She gave me a crash course on falling in love. She is the person that gave me the wonderful memories of how is it to fall in love. I long to have a wonderful loving relationship now because of how she shaped my idea of romantic love.
11. Caloy – He was my classmate in PMA, my kabayan, my ISAFP-mate and good friend. He showed me how it is to be a mistah. I have had some of the most memorable experience after PMA spent with this guy.
12. Suguran – also my classmate. He showed me how to be happy without even trying. He is the perfect example of being “cool na cool” yet snappy. Together with Caloy we are a force to reckon with
13. Yaser – a very dear lady friend who never fails to amaze me with the spirit she has. I see myself in her very intellectual but longing to understand the important things of life. She’s one person that I can talk anything about without feeling ashamed or anything. I love this friend dearly and I wouldn’t want anything less other than her happiness
14. Josel Seralbo – He brought me to the Church I am currently attending. He is instrumental in reminding me that God is still there even if I have forgotten him
15. Raul and Mina Lasquety – I consider them my Spiritual parents. Although they do not know this but most of my faith was developed with them as my Cell Group Leader. They have shown me the wonders of raising a Christian Family, when I have my own family I would want to have something just like theirs.
16. Tita Faith – wife of my father’s mistah. He gave me an idea of how it is to be a parent. She made me understand things when I do not understand my father. She showed me how to keep a family together. She showed my how it is to simply care without asking for anything.
17. Phines Patalinghug – my gay roommate in Dumaguete. I love this person. He may not know this but he took good care of me during the time that I was in Dumaguete and became problematic because my mother was dying. He is my model of how is it to pursue your dream even if hindrances overwhelm you.
18. Alfie – my half brother. He showed me how it is to be a good person even if the whole world says otherwise. In the so many times that we talked our hearts out, I know that my brother loves his family, which includes us.
19. Aeo – a friend in the church. I don’t necessarily like this person but his spirit thought me lasting lessons. He is the key that made me decide to forgive my father. He is an orphan and yet he was thankful how God blessed him, why was I so bitter about my father?
20. Abel – my Christian friend from Dumaguete. He is my idol when it comes to being a Christian at a young age. He does not know how much blessed people are when they are around him, he may be a bit immature at times but mind you when you look at this person you see God.
21. Ate Rose - one of the operators in the PABX in Silliman. I first met her still doubting so many things about Christianity. In the times that I was a new Christian, she was the first person that I shared my faith with and I saw how God has worked on her.

This are the 21 people that I have taught of right now, I know there are still more and I’m sorry for those who that I did not have the luxury to accommodate in my list. I just want to remind those that are reading this that
God has showered is with so many people to care for us, we just have to take notice.

I particularly like it today. Aside from the lovely afternoon I spent with my family swimming somewhere and some songs in the videoke machine, I loved the way God revealed himself to me today in the worship service early this morning. It was a stirring reminder of how God worked in me in the past years and how in His right time spoke to me that He’s happy with how I have become. I will tell you a medley of the songs in today’s worship service that God used to reveal himself today.

I was a bit late in the worship service. When I went up to the worship hall, they have already started singing the first few songs. By the time I started looking for a seat in front of the stage, the first few chords of a familiar song was already rocking the hall; it was Hillsong’s My Redeemer Lives. The song was one of the first Christian songs that I learned. At the time I became a Christian, the newest Hillsong album that came out was its By Your Side album, whose first song was My Redeemer Lives. And so it made a lasting impression on me. It marked the beginning of realizing how good God was to me. I have to tell you that when I became a Christian, I was just discharged from PMA. I ran away from our house because I was so ashamed of myself for being discharged and he used the song to find me.

The next song was the popular “Trading my sorrows”, my all time favorite song. The moment the song began, I started to remember the first time I heard the song. It was in Baguio City, I had a perfect memory on how it happened. At that time, I was a still a cadet in PMA and I attended the Christian Church there. It wasn’t something of a major decision. My reason for going there was because I was told that the church had the longest worship service and in PMA, when you are a plebe (first year cadet), the longer you are out of the barracks, the better. I do not know then that as members of the church we were sometimes invited to go to Baguio City and attend activities of other Christian churches. That particular activity that we attended was a concert by Youth with a Mission (YWAM) Missionaries. The performers were all foreigners and although I forgot most of the songs sang in that concert, Trading My Sorrows stuck to me. It was the song when all of us cadets attending the concert started dancing. We formed a circle and even in our cadet uniform, we danced to the tune…… Yes Lord, yes lord, yes, yes Lord, Yes lord, yes lord, yes, yes lord, yes lord, yes lord, yes, yes lord amen. Those words started to ring in my mind. I particularly went to the church as a form of thanksgiving for letting me pass the PMA entrance exam and those very words reminded me both my PMA experience and how God has shown me how at the end of the day, he is giving me back everything that I have dreamed of this time with Him already by my side. I started to cry, I simply felt what wonderful work God has done in me.

Then came “Lord I offer my life”. I know the song ever since I was in First year high school. My music teacher then regularly taught us songs and this song was one of it. It reminded me how after three years of a very humbling experience, I am convinced to offer my life to Him. I continued to cry.
You might not find the relevance of anything that I am writing, but you know what, I realized that in the span of my life, God had His way of reminding me that He was always there even through songs. I realized that although I didn’t care about those songs before, those songs somehow stuck inside my head and suddenly it just made sense. It was a clear manifestation that although I was not paying attention to God, HE WAS THERE. It was a reminder that in everything that has happened to me, although I believed in Him or not, He was there. It was his method when my music teacher taught me one song that made me cry although the crying came 8 years after. It was his method that although I only went to church to spend more time away from the barracks, somehow He introduced to me a song that I never thought will reveal so much meaning and purpose to my life. And it was his method that in all the time I wasn’t paying attention to Him, He was absolutely there.

I am now in the process of writing my testimony. I am sure that in 6 months I will again march to PMA totally renewed, with a new perspective of things and totally confident that God has prepared me to be back. Mark my word, in 01 April 2004; I will be in Philippine Military Academy, because that is how God will use me. When that time happens, anyone who is reading this will know that it is God’s plan for me and if He did it for me, there’s no doubt He will also be doing it for you.

This is the first time that I was actually concerned with the elections. Maybe I was convicted at some point to take part or maybe I just wanted to see what a real ballot looks like. I have so many reasons, but the bottom line is I really believe that I have no right to complain on the government if I do not take part in it, which includes the elections.

I started the day fresh, originally to pass by the Barangay Hall and then after being registered, I plan to proceed to work. It was the last day of registration in the barangay, and as the typical Filipino is, they all swarmed the place. I really intended to register early, in fact I already went for registration. The first time, I wasn't given an application form because they were looking for an ID that I do not have. And then they wanted an endorsement from my father so that my residence can be established. Finally, on the third time and also the last day of registration in the barangay hall, they validated my application. But then, it simply does not end there, the fun is yet to begin. By the time I finished registering, that is around 4 hours after I started my mission, I have gathered a new concept on Philippine politics as illustrated by the people in my misadventure.

First, there was the megaphone. This is a device that the volunteers use to call out your name after your application has been checked for errors in filling it up. It is usually the device that will make you remember that there is really something happening. From the megaphone you will hear different family names being called out to get their approved application, sometimes you hear the volunteer giving his little words of wisdom on how to make the process more organized, sometimes he shouts instructions to the queue of people telling them to be patient. Aside from that nothing really happens, the line does not move and people are so clueless what is really happening.

And then there is the Lady Magician. When I was in line, the lady behind me started talking to me. She said that she was already 28 years old and it was her first time to vote. She even commented that she was a bit ashamed. She was more ashamed when she overheard from the megaphone that the COMELEC will interview each applicant. She quickly became silent, later I realized that she was actually rehearsing herself on the possible questions that the COMELEC might ask. I quickly told her not to worry, there is no way that they will ask questions that requires rocket science and besides we are just registering to vote. That and more little chitchat when all of a sudden anothe lady spoke to her and said, "Okay na yung sa'yo, tinawagan na ni Kagawad." Later, she was gone from my back and when I went to the front to see what's happening, she was already leaving..... she was done...... WOW she was behind me and yet she finished ahead of me... that's magic

Then there's the Coñotics, they are the typical Maarte of society, those that you know will never survive a rampage like voter's registration. For this part, they were our neighbors. My father and their father are very close friends but I really do not know whats with these two ladies, they simply are maarte..... ayaw mamansin, hindi naman maganda. Anyway, they arrive in style, the moment they go out of their car, everybody notices them and as the time passes, their elite look slowly banishes, it starts with the look of impatience, and then they start to sweat still trying their best to make it through amd finally they're gone. From the megaphone, you'll hear their family name being called over and over but they are gone, they simply gave up.

And then the majority of those who go there, the typical Filipino, the masang Pilipino. They simply go there with one goal in mind, to be registered. They will endure everything, but in all the time that you are with them you will hear them complaining with just about anything. One lady comments on the unsystematized registration that is being implemented and so she looks everywhere for a "backer" in a hope that she'll finish fast. Another lady has brought along all her children, all of them less than 10 years old. Later on, she realizes that all her children has disappeared but she just stayed there. For my part I noticed where one went. He was already practicing how to become a basurero, he started picking up all the empty bottles he can find and then places it in some plastic container later on he went as far as picking up plastic wrappers and so on.

The registration is the typical illustration of the kind of Filipinos we have at this time. The magicians are those who simply wanted to save themselves. They do not care what happens to others as long as they get what they want. These are the types of Flipinos who simply gave up on being ideal and has resorted to the palakasan system, for them transactions become "magical". And then the coñotics, the people who are so out of touch with what is really happeing with the country that they are surprised that life can be that bad to some. That surprise is enough for them to give up taking part in the country's affairs and they simply go back to their havens not caring what the hell happens to the country as long as they are enjoying a comfortable life. And then the typical filipino, those that know that the government has a noble duty to save them from poverty and yet they never attempt to find out what is their role in government.

If you were there with me, there are a lot more observations you can deduce. After four hours of waiting, I can say that I am a better citizen with what I have seen. I realized that more than anything our responsibility as citizens of this country is to love our country. We put in little sacrifices for our country even if sometimes this sacrifices should not have been there if only the government was efficiemt. We think more for our country rather than just getting it done with. The bottom line is and effective government is everybody's concern, failure of the government is also failure of the people. One must realize that the most important element of any government are its citizens, the more citizens know that they are the most important element of the government,the better. Unless they start thinking like they are part of the government then nothing will happen to alleviate our situation.

Today’s my birthday. I’m sitting here in the office, again with nothing to do. Nobody in this room knows that I just turned 21. But who cares, I barely know these people. They do not know me either, for all I know they may not like me but then again who cares.

I was browsing through the newspapers a while ago. I was looking for the published results of the PMA Entrance Examination. Around 4 years ago, I passed the same entrance examination and I made it through all the tests and eventually went to be come a cadet. Of course, you know what happened next, I got discharged and here I am today making another attempt to make it back. Also, around 3 years ago, still on my birthday (that was my 18th) my Tactical Officer called me up and ordered me to go back to barracks, I did not obey him. The next day, he was already making arrangements to have me discharged. Events seem to coincide with so many things and I wonder what is God telling me at this point. When I woke up this morning, I felt that today must be the day that I will know the results of the entrance exam. That is why I tried my best to dissect today’s set of newspaper in the office. It’s still early, and since I didn’t find it from the newspapers it must be in the Internet, something just tells me that it’s in the Internet, so I wait. I restlessly wait for our Internet connection to begin. Three years ago, my life came to a screeching halt on my 18th Birthday. Although I was unusually happy at that time because I had a very "well loved" visitor who was with me the whole day, everything that I have aspired for shattered on that very day. Early this morning, I was singing the Corps Birthday Song (Birthday song for cadets) and as I shower, I was imagining the what ifs had I made the right decision 4 years ago. I thought I was awakened early morning by underclassmen because assuming that I was already a first class cadet, I will be dunked in the Sundial for the very first time. I could imagine the face of one Firstclass when he was dunked there for the first time, maybe I would don that face. He was extremely happy, maybe happy because it was an achievement. So I thought I might be glowing with the same facial expression have I not messed up. I was thinking that maybe I’ll have all the boodles I want in the mess hall, maybe an announcement in the whole corps that it was my birthday. “The Corps greets Cadet so and so for his birthday today”……. What a wonderful sound to hear, more beautiful than the sound of computers in this office, more beautiful than the printer, and more beautiful than the song I’m hearing from afar. But that did not happen. Here I am sitting in front of the computer, not in my Dress White Uniform but in civilian clothes, not studying for free, but working for a living, but I feel good about myself, I feel good that I’m not in a situation that bad after all and of course I’m happy that I have at least a little possibility of fulfilling something that I dream of.

So I continue to wait, I wait for the results of one examination that will make me the happiest…… I wait.

I have nothing to do in this office. I simply am bored not to mention sleepy. I spent up to 2 am chatting and when I woke up at past 7 I felt terrible. A stupid comment but then at this exact moment I have nothing to do in this office. I am hoping my team leader will call me and give me something to do. In the meantime, I am typing here using the computer of my most beautiful officemate.

I’ll just start telling you about my most beautiful office mate. Not that all my other officemates are not beautiful, I simply think that this one is the most beautiful. On my first day of work, I saw her leaving for Cebu, she was in her finest and simplest clothes, and she’s simply beautiful. The first time I laid eyes on her I was aware of her beauty. Now you would think that I like this girl. In a way I could say that I like her, just like any other beautiful girl I see whenever I walk the streets of Makati. Just like I like actresses. Its something like that, I do not know the girl and as far as I am concerned she’s simply beautiful and she’s my office mate. I refuse to think that there is more to that because I know I might actually convince myself that there is really more to that but I do not refuse the many opportunities I will be having in getting to know her. I’m in a confused state right now. Any normal guy would go for this lady but then what’s the point. I simply do not understand the logic of simply wanting every beautiful girl that you see. You may be proud that you conquered one beautiful girl but then after that what are you going to do? It will simply start a pattern of conquest, a never ending process of deceit and playing with other people’s emotion or maybe sex. I simply do not know, what I do know is that I don’t see the element of love on any of what is happening. I don’t see her as somebody more than just beautiful and an officemate and I don’t even see any hint in her being a person I would love, simply because I don’t know her. Again, she’s simply and officemate that is beautiful.

You see, I have come to realize that there are certain realities that the men in general should always remember. Men are simply visual. In most cases they base their judgment in what they see. The problem that this caused is that most men have failed to differentiate love from mere admiration. When we do something for mere admiration chances are we’ll end lusting for this girl. If the basis of your actions is the things that you see what you can expect, eventually you’ll fall into the trap and then your life has mistakes that can’t be undone. I would like to think that admiration is just the point where love may exist. It is not really love it’s just something that may spring love. In my case, if I saw a girl I think is beautiful, like my officemate, I would want to know her better. I would want to find out more things about her and I will make an extra effort to make a good impression from her. I call it studying your prospect. Its not really love, its simply like a feasibility study where you would like to know if this person is worth the investment. Like in any feasibility study there are costs but it is not the investment itself, it is simply the prelude to that. I am very careful that I will not be blinded by her being beautiful, I will simply allow it to inspire me bearing in mind that this is a wonderful creature. Who knows, I might actually like my officemate, when that happens, I might actually go for her, I simply do not know, I’m just being careful bearing in mind that if it is what God wants me to do, he’ll make his way and guide me how to do it.

Now as I look to my side I see the picture of this beautiful lady, she simply gives of a wonderful smile…….. My God she’s beautiful.

I already started working. My whole routine changed when suddenly I'm no longer a bum. On the way to work, I had a stratling observation which I will be sharing in this update. Allow me to slowly build my thought and hopefully convey another message.

What makes life beautiful? I do not know where to start in answering this but just bear with me if I start at Fort Bonifacio. Fort Bonifacio is my home. Having lived here for a while I have become comfortable with the place. I know where the things are around the house, I have everything I need, food, shelter and of course my good friend we popularly call the personal computer. This is my haven, from here I begin my life. I have my family with me, I can be myself and people know the real me. Every morning, even if I sometimes look smart on my way to work, they know that I am just the plain Alex that will laugh at things and do stuff with the computer. Little by little I will walk towards the main road where I will wait for my jeepney ride to Gate 2. Most people I will meet from there do not know me, the young lady I might be waiting with might simply conclude that I am going to work, nothing really interesting. The jeepney driver will try to signal me to board his jeep, he sees me as a passenger. The moment I step in the jeep, I'm simply a passenger off to work. From Gate 2 I will ride another jeepney and finally, I'm in Edsa. Nothing really changes much, people might not even notice me, I'm just part of a crowd going to work. Again, another ride towards the office and finally when I enter the office, I become Alex the employee. People will see me again differently. They will see me as somebody to confer with regarding details of a project. Somebody to ask about things that are work related, again I am another person. If ever I go out and start inspecting some building I am again another person. i will be addressed as Sir, even if these people are older than my father. They will try their best to answer my questions, most likely they will cooperate when I begin my work. The whole scenario continues changing faces as you go to another place. Then finally at the end of the day I will go home and go back to my haven. I'm back as the orginal Alex only a little tired.

From what I wrote a while ago you will think that I never even came close to answering my original question: What makes life beautiful? Let me surprise you by answering that I already did. The point I am driving at is that we always go back to where we came from. I do not know with you but that is what makes life beautiful. Everyday we change into so many faces, so many roles, some of it are good faces yet we choose to go back to one place where we are simply ourselves, nothing more nothing less. Why you would ask, simply because this is our haven. Simply because this is where the heart is. Simply because life is not that beautiful if we do not have somewhere to come back to. We do everything not just for ourselves but also to somehow come back from our point of origin a better person. What makes life beautiful is the fact that there are people who will care for us and know who we really are. I still have to meet somebody that will want to be known other than who they really are. We all want to be loved for who we really are and in this chaotic world we find comfort in the fact that there is some place where when we are just ourselves and we become people with value. In the office you are just an employee. In the field you are just somebody who is rendering a service. To a jeepney driver you are just a source of income but to the people you love and care for -- you are a human being. That is why we will keep on coming back, that is why life has meaning, that is what makes life beautiful, the recognition that you are a real person.

The trip to work does not only illustrate the very true nature of human beings but it is also an illustration of a purposeful life.

For each of us, I believe that there is one defining moment in every aspect of our lives. A while ago, I was thinking about this one defining moment and tried very hard to make a perfect definition to THE DEFINING MOMENT. This maybe that critical moment in our life when we realize something vital to our own life. Sometimes, this defining moment will lead us to the most important choices that we need to take in our life. And sometimes, these are the moments that will define you as a person. That is why it is a defining moment because at this stage you have a clearer idea of something that you want to pursue or something that you wanted to do. We may have so many defining moments in the span of our lifetime and most of it if not during a brink of hopelessness, it is somehow similar to a near-death experience.

One defining moment that i had not so long ago was the time when I had to give up mantaining this website and be sent in exile to San Carlos City, Negros Occidental. Not quite a good idea then because before we even left for the province I already had plans what to do once we get back, only to find out that I will not be seeing Manila again for the next four months. At first, I was on an outrage. I hated the idea, I have nothing to do in San Carlos and I felt that it was boring. You really can not blame, this was a place that was entirely foreign to me. I haven't had long stays in that place since I was in High School and if ever I had to be there, it was with the company of my half-siblings who grew up there. This time it was different. I do not know anybody, all my plans back in Manila was completely place on hold and above all there was really nothing to do. After my initial outrage, I began to think and fely that I just have to make use of the time that I will be spending here. I really can not do anything. I'm broke and besides if ever I go back to Manila, my father will be furious with me. And so it happened. Now that I am just writing what happenede, it seemed that it was a journey that I took that happened very fast. Now why was that a defining moment?

I defined a defining moment earlier as something that will define us as a person. In short these are the moments that will help us understand ourselves better. In those times, I was under close supervision by my relatives in my Father's side. If you do not know what's the implication of that, I just have to tell you that since time in memorial most of my relatives in the father side were somewhat enemies. I blamed them for my father's demiss. I blamed them for not stopping my father when he started fooling around. I blamed them for hating my mother and finally, I blamed them because on all the times that it was so hard for me to go about my life, they did not help me. Again, any normal person will understand my feelings towards this group of people that I consider relatives. Except for an Aunt who acted as my second mother, the rest of them are just relatives simply because my last name is somehow related to theirs. But one can never really understand how things in life works. The grandfather that I was very bitter about for condoning my father's infidelity was really a loving person, and that if he only had his way, he would not have chosen the choice that my father did. My Uncle, whom I was afraid to talk to before was actually a person with a good heart. Somebody who felt that life is something to be enjoyed and make the most out of. Somebody who has the compassion for people even in the most unlikely way. Another Aunt that I hated all my life for being so irritating ang insensitive is in fact a person that simply wanted things to be in order only that she is misunderstood by the way she gets her message accross. A mother who loved her children so much that she is capable of singing on stage in front of many other parents during a school program. In those months I discovered the beauty of this people. People that are related to me by blood yet I ignored because of the long conflict of my parents.

I realized that often times defining moments happen on times where we least expect. I realized that I simply wouldn't be a complete person knowing that a certain degree of hatred still lingers in my system. I realized that no matter what happens relatives will always be relatives and that if only you will open up to them, they will show you care and love without asking anything in return. This side of my family will never be able to redeem themselves to me if not for this exile, but now I am happier, and shall I say better knowing that I gained more people that will love and care for me.... what can they do I'm their relative :

Like any other young individuals, my idea of love is so innocent that one can't help it but question it. I believe in that magical moment when your eyes meet another person's eyes and then suddenly you just feel different. I believe that in our lifetime there is this somebody set apart for us, destined to become our perfect companion. Plain and simple, I just believe it will endure forever. I heard people telling me that I'm like living in the fairy tale, so innocent of so many things that love is just something that has no complications. But then I reasoned, isn't it not supposed to be complicated? How could something that feels so wonderful and so beautiful be complicated? I really can't see the point of all these complications that people are trying to inject into my idea of romantic love, or love in general. Personally, I believe that in most cases, the complications destroys the whole essence of it. I stand firm in my belief that we were created out of Love. In return, our existence is purely based on love, nothing else. Therefore it is correct to say that loving is in fact part of our nature and that any human without love is not human at all. Meaning, there is no other prerequisite whatsoever for anybody to be able to show and dedicate love to anybody. Plain and simple, its just love no other conditions, just love.

At this point, the complication of falling in love has materialized, yet I still insist that it is not supposed to be complicated. Although some may never find a way to reconcile this obvious contradiction, this contradiction is the very reason why although hard we do everthing we can to find it. Sometimes, that is just the nature of things in life. The very things that make us feel bad are the very things that make it sweet and memorable. This idea sounds weird, maybe lethal, but the truth remains that in everything in this world love maybe the only thing that we make. In short, with all its vagueness and being indefinite, love is how we make it. I can argue on this for all I want, but it really doesn't matter, the truth remains that one will experience loving differently from what I experienced. No one will ever be "right" enough to be able to say that he or she is the authority in this thing, in the same way that noone is also right enough to say that another person has so much to learn about this thing. What I do know is the fact that love makes us humans. We are higher than any other living things because of our capacity to love. Let me end this by quoting something that I always say to people. Loving is always so hard because we are sharing a part of ourselves to other people not knowing how much of it is to be reciprocated and yet, loving is also so wonderful knowing that by sharing ourselves to people it makes us feel good.

Am I becoming a moralist? Self-righteous? I simply do not know what came into my head but suddenly I felt that I have been trying to exude this image of perfection in how I live my life and how I see things. In the span of so many articles that I have written for this website, it seems that I really have made it clear or maybe I have made an impression that I am this very good person so perfect that many people don’t even know exist. In some way, I feel that maybe I am too hypocritical with trying to be this person, but in most ways maybe I’m just afraid, afraid that maybe later in life I might also play dumb and eat all the words that I said about the so many issues of life. I just realized that for some people, it is really easy to speak on so many things in a convincing way. Maybe I am one of that but then I also disagree that what I say is purely what I say because honestly, I really try my very best to be the best that I can be but then I am no excuse to all the bad habits, bad decisions that any normal human being commits every now and then, in fact that more I try my best the more I commit them.

I am saying all this not to discourage people but just to bring about a point that all of us have done something bad at least once in our life yet we come out to become good people. Even if you disagree with me, I will certainly say in all conviction that I am a good person, maybe not the good that you have in mind, but leave me alone when I say that I am good. I say that simply because if I look back how I have been as a person I could say that I was a work in progress and we all are. Yes, I suddenly realized that how much progress I have had from the time I started doing the silly and dumb things to actually realizing how a person should be. Then I came to the realization of how wonderful people are shaped into how they are going to be. I realized that the most wonderful lessons in life come from the experiences that we have as we walk through it. I learned that good or bad, things are for our own improvement. And by being sensitive to what happens in life and being sure of who you are as a person you will become wiser and more mature. As I always said, life is a great adventure, it is a great adventure because although we do not know what will happen next, the next event is always another challenge, every challenge a new lesson and every lesson another reason to go on with the adventure. It is a cycle that will last us a lifetime, a lifetime that will determine our value as people, as individuals and as children of God. Yes the greatest victory perhaps in any person’s life is really to live a life that is full and then at the end of the day be confident that we have lived a life according to God’s plan.

My usual complain with people is that they don’t understand me. Each of us has one distinct personality and the only reason that we are still living in a not so chaotic world is because some of us tried to find people whose personality are similar to us and the rest adjusted theirs to conform to people. The former is the better way to put it, but on certain instances, we must choose the latter scenario for reasons that are beyond our control. Take my case; although my stepmother’s personality is really something that I truly hate, I have to deal with her because she is my father’s wife. I have to contend myself with the reality of adjusting so many things about myself so that I can accommodate this person. Another issue is also about proving something to our parents. I do not really find any reason why as children we must be able to prove something to our parents. I don’t see the logic of that set-up because I don’t really think that our parents had a choice, whether children turn-out to be criminals, parents are left with no choice but to be parents to their children. The only thing that the parent can do is to simply raise their children in such a way that when they grow up they will try to be somebody that their parents can be proud of. Of course, we are not living in a perfect world. At one point the children will have their own minds; these minds will decide how they will live their lives.

Now the question really is being good children without compromising our goals. I realized that we can actually choose to hate everything that our parents try to impose on us. But then living our lives that way will certainly make our lives miserable. So the best thing really is to treat everything as a learning process. It is a simple formula that I have thought of which I think will work great especially for those who have to deal with difficult parents like me. Take everything in these premises. Our parent’s love us and if they were to make one wish for us, they will wish that we get the best that life has to offer. The problem then comes because oftentimes we differ with our parents when it comes to what is best for us. We can argue all day long as to whose opinion should we follow, but if you give it a thought, we really should not take it against them, always realize that you may differ on opinions but do not discount the fact that they do all those arguing out of love. That’s the formula really; most of us forget that our parents love us. Most of us would prefer to think that our parent’s are the antagonists of our lives. And yet in every argument with them, every time we are forced to do things that we feel useless and ridiculous at times, we forget that first and foremost our parents love us and for all we know what they are doing is just their way of showing they love us. We may not entirely like how they do it but always remember the key ingredient, it’s done out of love.

I have been sent with a number of e-mails asking why I want to go back to PMA. Maybe for some people, especially those that know what I have been through, appealing, being rejected, insulted, and then doing it all over again, they would wonder why I try so hard just to be given another chance of being called Cadet Cabales again. Some people also think that I wanted to prove something to my father and my older brother who are both PMA graduates. These inquiries led me to reassess my reason for trying this hard and through that I realized that the best way to answer that query is to retrace what happened in Philippine Military Academy, the events before that and then the realization I had.

Contrary to popular belief, I decided to go to PMA on my own. They say that in any family their career plans will be based on the careers of their parents. It could either be they would want to follow their parent’s footsteps or totally hate the thought of doing what their parents do. For my part, it was the former. When I was diagnosed with asthma in first year high school, I made it a point to strengthen my lungs. So I started swimming every weekend in the campus swimming pool. True enough after about two years, my asthma was gone. When I graduated high school at 15 years old, I asked permission from my mother not to go to school anymore for college and just wait 2 years to be able to qualify for the PMA Entrance Exam, but of course she insisted that I study. The moment I took the exam, I was so sure that I will pass everything. And so in April fool’s day of the year 2000, I marched in the Borromeo Field and went on and became Cadet Fourthclass Cabales. Of course, PMA was not that good to me. Personally, I felt that I was easily noticed by upperclassmen. My father was a Colonel and my eldest brother was a first class cadet (graduating cadet).and so they felt that I had this attitude of being “siga” simply because of my family. If I was caught having any form of laxity, I hated it when they immediately assume that I did it intentionally, but of course, I remained silent. Even before I reported in March 30, my brother already told me what would happen when I become a plebe. He said that it wasn’t my fault that I would be treated differently, but that is the reality and if I want it that badly, I will have to try harder. Time seemed to pass so fast that in no time, our class was to be declared at ease. That was one milestone then in every plebe’s life because it meant some privileges in the Cadet Corps. After our declaration, I had a series of serious laxities that somehow placed me on bad ground with so many upperclassmen. I was placed into so many punishments and being already declared at-ease, I would envy my classmates enjoying their privileges. Eventually, it came to a point that I was so depressed, afraid and so many mixed emotions that I went on AWOL. After that AWOL, I was more afraid of my upperclassmen since as a result of what I did, 15 of my upperclassmen were reported for Class 1 and Class 2 offenses, some almost failed in their conduct. There was this verbal agreement with my Tactical Officer that I will be transferred to another company and when he ordered me to go back to Barracks on the night of my birthday, I did not obey him because of fear of my upperclassmen. This triggered my Tactical Officer, to recommend my discharge for possessing unwanted traits and habits which was eventually awarded by the Superintendent.

Some people say that right and wrong is relative. What may be right for one person may not be necessarily right to another. In some instances, this maybe true, but then if right and wrong is relative, what is right for me now, may be wrong for me in a couple of years. Or maybe what is wrong here may be right some place else. If that is the case, it would be correct to say that everything in this world can be right and wrong. Is that confusing or what? I can’t see how this idea prevails despite of its just being plain dumb. In some States in the

United States

, buying a gun over the counter is legal, in some it’s not. People there who really wanted to own guns just buy their guns in states where it’s legal and then bring it back to wherever they came from, irregardless of their gun laws. It’s really dumb, but mind you, it is happening. The truth of the matter is, so many events in the world lead us to believe this principle and personally, I feel that this is basically the reason why our society deteriorates. What this principle is saying is, anyone can do what they want, it’s just a matter of perspective.

I fluently poured my wonderful ideas to writing a while ago, having a clear perception of a particular topic when out of the sudden, every word that pops out of my head seems to lead to another direction, another worth-meant theme. Forgive the uncalled introduction, but as spontaneous as these ideas flows, I believe this whole new write-up is important and relevant.

Somehow, I feel life is unfair. At an early age, I was exposed to the sad realities of life. My parents were separated. My father had another family and my mother left to work in the States. At 12, I struggled to learn things on my own despite the bombarding hardships instead of learning them from my should-have-been beloved parents. Feeling desperately helpless, I pitied myself for loosing a big part of my life that would have served as a strong foundation of a fulfilled childhood. It is said, that the biggest fear of every person is being incapable to do things, incapable of achieving something praise worthy to somehow alleviate the painful misery. Seeing how the breaking events unfolded was bitter, but knowing and feeling all the insecuring emotions involved was the hardest to deal with. Now that I have gotten over the entire trauma, I’m now able to assess how it has been. With no one to rely on to help me figure out everything, I earned a different perspective.

I am not about to narrate all of the things that I feel bad about, this one is all about happiness, love, compassion, and all the wonderful feelings and blessings that comes from this life. It might sound ironic, but I believe one of the biggest achievements a person opts for is to develop rightful virtues despite having bad experiences. Most people live their lives being haunted by all these vaunting experiences and its sad how they go on still feeling down-hearted, blaming their failures from their freaking experiences without really getting the whole “why” point and learning from it. In every bad situation I went into, one thing struck me… even if it was my fault, there would always be an unnoticed someone who will steak his heart out just to make sure I’ll get out of it in one fine whole piece. When we are stuck in a rotten situation, people suddenly appear and makes the burden a little bit lighter. The only thing that differentiates the optimistic from the problematic ones are the people that are around them. They are those who care to point-out the blessings if we remain steadfast in every hopeless situation and its heart-warming how their effort makes us feel important. It is through other people that we are able to feel the love and care we all aspire for. And it is because of these people that we want to become better individuals. Other people’s experiences taught us important lessons in life. They are our life size mirrors of everything there is to learn; the more observant we are, the more things we learn. The whole point is, nothing really happens on our own. Everything results from interaction; interactions that make us change into someone better or worse. But, we hold the decision if we want to be better or worse with how we interact with people and how we react with the situation. Life is all about making choices. Chose wise and make it worthwhile!

If you have already read some of the pages, or know me personally, I think you have an idea that my mother died of cancer about two years ago. All the 8 years before that, she was in the States working so that she can support us through school. I first learned that her cancer was terminal in September of 1999. I was studying in Dumaguete City then and totally dependent on the money she would be sending. It has been quite a while since I heard from her or from my Aunt in Manila and I was really running out of spending money. And then one morning my cell phone rang and it was my aunt. The conversation was simple, make arrangements to go home because mommy can not send money anymore, her cancer has reoccurred and there is no more money to support me through the end of the semester. I was devastated, everything that I have planned suddenly melted away, not even one tear came out of my eyes because of shock. I was alone in the room then and I do not know what came into me, I just went to the bathroom and took a bath. Change into some new clothes then proceeded to the Student Government Office. When I arrived, the president of the Student Government was there seeing me, he went on in his usual dealings with me, until suddenly.... I cried, I cried very hard...very very hard. All the way to the office, I was really thinking of the very thought that I'm going to lose my mother permanently and that's what made me cry. Luck was on my side then, there was still enough money and that I was able to finish the semester.

When my mother died I felt that something was lacking to her. Although I know that she was very well contented with how she lived her life, I'm really sure that if she was given one wish just to say that her life would be complete, she'll have so many wishes. My mother was a dreamer, an idealist and a romantic, perhaps by now you'll know from who did I become like this. One of the most elaborate memories that I had with my mother was when she told me stories, just about anything. Being young then, I had questions, some blew her mind and some were typical children questions. I could remember then how I enjoyed so much of this chit chat, from her childhood, to her love stories and to her adventures. Although I had a huge stock of all the wonderful true to life stories of my late mother, I always had this question in mind, what went wrong between her and my father. Even until this very day, it is a perpetual question that lingers in my mind. I felt that my mother, being the entire romantic that she is, had wonderful dreams when she married my father. In our house there were wedding pictures all around and every time I hear stories of people who were in my parent's wedding, they were just in awe of how wonderful my parent's wedding was. It was the first ever military wedding done in Bayawan, Negros Oriental and also the first in the Class of 1979. With almost all members of my father's class in attendance, it was the perfect ending to a love story that started from within the halls of Fort del Pilar, a union between a comrade in arms and their mentor (my mother was their Social Science teacher in PMA)

I'm really no expert in answering that question but since I have all the freedom to speculate in that matter maybe a piece of my own analysis might trigger a reliable explanation. As far as I know, falling in love is a selfish act. Selfish because, as they say it, at that instance when you know you're in love everything around you just dims away and suddenly you feel this wonderful surge of emotion, that you almost forget that you are living in the real world. But unlike the typical selfish way, this emotion expects reciprocation, meaning there has to be a reaction. Thus we can say that in its entirety, falling in love is not just selfish but a better term would be mutual selfishness. But then, as the bible would put it love is not selfish, so which is which?

As I said, I'm not an expert to this, but a series of events led me to a conclusion which for me is sound. You see, a good friend of mine has been heaven and hell in and out of this thing we popularly call as love. In the short time that I have known her, I just know that this person has both intelligence and maturity, yet I simply can't find the consistency of her actions once she starts falling in love. I could remember so many times that we spent countless hours of talking about it. Almost every time I try to explain to her in my own terms her situation, she cries. And then, when everything turns to normal, she ends up telling me that she's at it again. You know, forgiveness for me is a clearly defined word. For the longest time, I had been quarrelling with my father and it wasn't easy forgiving him, to think he is my father. Yet, I am just amazed how things easily change for this friend of mine, forgiveness seems to come at a silver platter. But then, I realized that despite of the complexity of falling in love, despite of not being able to understand her, it is a fact that we all want to fall in love. And though we want to have a perfect relationship, we can't seem to let go of the thought of not being with the person that we invested so much emotion, no matter how much heart aches we have had. In falling in love, we feel that trying so hard to make it work is a noble thing, despite of the rest of the world saying that we're insane. We are ready to risk our own emotions just to be able to feel that wonderful feeling again. In that experience, I realized that in falling in love, whether we find reason to it or not, whether we fully understand the hows and whys of it, it’s actually our faith to make this thing to work is what keeps it going. As in everything in this world, believing in something to work despite of everything gives us enough courage and strength to go on and trying some more. It is the unending struggle of every human being to make it work despite of everything just to be able to get another glimpse of how wonderful the feeling is. I do not know where the limits are to this struggle but what I do know is that relationships only fail when one of the parties give up and lose hope on the possibility of the relationship to work.

I have had bad times. I have done some things that I regret, some have made lasting damage to my life and some still haunts me to this very day. Yet in all those experiences, I have come to realize the value of people. I have drawn the conclusion that in all the things that has happened the participation of other people in all the mistakes that I committed, has made an impact on its outcome. But it does not mean that I blame my mistakes to this people, it’s just interesting to note that the people contribute to the outcome of everything that we do. Thus, it would be safe to say that we all affect each other in whatever way. Some may impact us tremendously, and some were barely recognizable. Therefore, it creates this responsibility to act in a way that we do not damage people with our actions. This theory of mine simply, affirms the popular verse no man is an island, because whether we like it our not we create instances that will affect other people and even if we isolate ourselves to the world, we still affect people may it be through gossip or through our family members who becomes problematic about our situation.

Then Cadet Guevarra did not have the slightest trace of kindness the first time I met him. There were originally 7 of us in the squad. As squad mates although you may not entirely like another squad mate, one is forced to bond with each other in every activity. From the "mase-mase" (mass exercise) every after mess, to the class "mase-mase" that would go on for hours, one has no other choice but to find strength from your squad mates. As I said, everybody is not necessarily likable in the squad. I had this one classmate who wanted to resign every after morning jogs and exercises and after each of those times, we were told to give him pep talks and then he continued. That squad mate of mine if I'm not mistaken is now a second class cadet. There was also this one that all of us hated simply because he was so selfish, popularly called in the cadet corps as "shabby". There was this one time when one of my squad mate was so mad at him that during march off to the mess hall, in the Borromeo Field just before going up to the stairs, he stepped over my shabby classmate's combat boots, this lead to a series of murmuring which eventually made our squad leader notice. Needless to say, after that mess they were punished, the usual punishment done to classmates who fight :) (The punishment is actually too grosse to state so I better leave it to the imaginations of the people reading this). And then there was this episode when I had an offense with the Company Commander. While everyone of my classmates was in Indian sit, I was in the front leaning rest position. To top that he was "bull-outing" me saying that he will make sure that I will not be able to make it to Incorporation Day which is still two months ahead. I was crying after that and the good old Cadet Guevarra assured me that it was all psy-war. That was the first time I saw that my squad leader have a heart after all. After that, I saw my squad leader at a different light. I saw him as a mentor that showed me the ropes to being a snappy plebe (as if there is one). From then on, it was a memorable life as plebe. I could very well remember how I looked forward to tattoo inspection when my squad leader will come to us and talk about our concerns. When my mother died, my squad leader made sure that I was not disillusioned. He gave me the encouragement to continue despite of my mother's death. He even lent me his clothes when I went home to Negros to see my mother being buried.

So, where am I going with this? The truth is, I just realized how things can be so perfect, like that and so many other love stories seen in television and in theatres, when time is spent on how it is going to be. I mean, the lessons of the show really went into the deepest chambers of my emotions, then I was able to figure out the reality that the whole plot of these shows were carefully thought about by maybe a machinery of writers. Then, combined with creativity and great acting from the actors, they compel a message. Again, a message that has been thought of. But then, in reality, we really do not know what happens next. In reality, life is really full of uncertainty. One thing maybe so perfect in your mind, yet what is happening is the total opposite of the perfect "story line' you had in your mind. That, I really can not explain since I'm also trying to figure that out, but one thing I know is life maybe uncertain but it does not mean that we must be uncertain also. I mean, if I was brought to a place maybe using a car and then a few days after, I was told to go back to that place by myself and commute towards there, which would be a little bit hard. But since I know the place, maybe I know its general location; if I try I might find it. I might encounter some problems along the way but I just might find it. But what if I really do not know the place and somebody just said that this place is so and so. I might still find it, but it would be more difficult than the previous example. But then, supposed I was lying in my bed one morning, and then suddenly, I thought of a beautiful place, maybe I have a very good visualization inside my mind. One of these things may happen, I might decide to go out of the house and find that place or maybe something like what I have in mind. Or I could just continue day dreaming. Of course, there could be other possibilities but in all scenarios that I described, there were two common things. One is that it is very possible that you will encounter some problems along the way, and two is that you had an idea as to where you are going. Therefore, it would be safe to say that life is actually somehow related to the examples I showed. It is always true that we will encounter problems along the way, but the better our idea of what our goal is, the lesser we encounter problems. The truth is problems will always be there but then if we let this things affect our goals then we end up not living our life fully.

I wake up every morning just to be able to watch one of my favorite talk show. I hate to admit it but really I do enjoy watching Kris Aquino and Korina Sanchez, theirs is a typical clash of personality with entertainment. It is really a reality of how two somewhat different individuals can actually come up with an interesting exchange of ideas and sometimes tickle the imagination of people watching. Every day I watch eagerly to listen to sudden burst of reactions about all sorts of topics, simply showing how things could be so fun by being spontaneous. Perhaps the lesson there is that life can be exciting when you let it take its course. I have always believed that life really is full of uncertainty and most of the time these uncertainties make our lives more interesting. At one point, after one of my life's frustrations, I wonder how am I going to continue my life and be what I want to be. Now if I look back, I suddenly realized that with all of life's surprises, there seems to be a long list of possibility of what might happen next, yet in all these things we have all the necessary means to at least pursue one thing one day at a time. I learned that often times we feel so bad for not being able to see how are we going to reach a certain goal with our present state, but we fail to realize that although there is no visible way at the moment to reach our goal, a step forward always makes us one step closer to that goal and I'm pretty sure sooner or later, we'll find the right way to where we want to go. As I said, spontaneity is indeed a wonderful blessing. In it we develop this keen sensitivity to details and through it we learn to realize the beauty of everything that is around us and although at first glance being spontaneous may not be the best way to do it, sooner or later dreams are realized by simply doing whatever it is you feel doing, of course within the context of being informed of your actions.

And then a series of mishaps happen, from being accused of stealing some of the lost internet cards from the store, to not being able to go with a friend for their Fiesta, to being caught by the MMDA for violating the color coding scheme and yet nothing can compensate all this mishaps more than a good dose of fun and eating. Actually, we went to a party and all the misfortunes we had seem to disappear. I really find it funny but there comes a point in life when you suddenly realize something about anything after staring at it for the longest time. My friends can vouch for this, to be honest; they say that I'm the most picky and seemingly hopeless romantic member of the male species they could find. Often times I day dream about relationships and really put so much effort into it that I really feel good about myself after an episode. But one thing really is interesting; I suddenly realized how beautiful this person is. Or shall I say, my appreciation for her has at least went one notch higher. Would you believe that after knowing this person for around three years, it’s only now that I actually considered asking her out, and yet there was never a time that I considered her ugly or being this unlikable person. The way I analyze it now, maybe it’s simply because it's only now that I was able to see a different side of her or maybe, just maybe, it's only now where the timing is perfect. I really do not know, but, I just think that the mere fact that I considered asking her out is really enough reason for me to put this matter into serious consideration, but then I really can't tell. Maybe after a series of soul searching, I can decide on this and just know what to do. For now, I'll continue day dreaming and just maybe I'll be able to convince myself.