Swinging a Sword at the Waves
A Hikaru no Go Fanfiction
By Cabbitshivers
Chapter One
Kono Me Ni Wa Utsuru
A quiet whimper broke the still silence of the humid summer night. Artificial
light from the streetlamp across the road shone in through the naked window and
splashed bluish-white squares across the far wall. In the darkness enveloping
the rest of the room there was the slight rustle of shifting sheets as a small
figure rolled over and ineffectually batted at a nightmare assailant. The quiet
sounds were disturbing, echoing slightly in the spacious room with the frosted
edges of fear that disrupted the peaceful night. Within nightmare fabrications
the dreamer battled against unseen attackers, incorporeal and omnipotent in the
nature of all of illusions creatures.
Another low whimper drew the attention of the rooms one other occupant. Until
the nightmare sounds had woken him he had been drifting unaware in the ethereal
state that was as close to mortal sleep as the straying dead, like he, could
achieve. Slanted eyes the second-to-last colour of the rainbow opened slowly and
travelled over the room to settle on the figure tossing slightly among the bed
sheets. Lavender painted lips eternally stained since his death parted as the
indigo eyes blinked mildly in surprise.
“Hikaru?” He questioned, rising to his knees and leaning over the figure on the
bed. He was bending down further for a closer look when the figure rolled over
abruptly, flinging out a wildly flailing arm that caught the violet-haired
observer squarely on the jaw and sent him reeling back down to the floor.
Lying flat on his back, Sai listened inattentively to the incoherent mutterings
of the dreaming boy and silently wondered at the strange workings of the
universe. Only in a world where Chaos reigned could there be a strange
metaphysical law which allowed one person to be able to see and to touch him,
while the rest of the world remained oblivious to his presence and used his
incorporeal personage as free air space. Though, despite how rude the world had
become since his death, it still carried the stones of Go; so he could forgive
the oblivious living for walking through something they didn’t know was there.
“No! Don’t puddat’ere…”
Sai lifted his head as from out the mumbled incoherent ramblings emerged a
somewhat clear, though heavily slurred and barely understandable sentence. It
was followed immediately by another.
“Ow! Dat hurt, stupid!”
Slowly pulling himself back up to the bedside, he watched curiously as the
dreamer continued to mumble his dream-rantings, focusing on the rapid movement
beneath the closed eyelids while keeping a steady eye out for more randomly
swung arms.
“17, 8…”
Sai blinked, then felt his lips thinning as he smiled. The boy was even playing
Go in his sleep. He admired his determination, and his skill in how quickly he
had picked it up. He’d only been playing for little over a year and a half now –
with tutoring from Sai – and he was already well on the way to becoming a
brilliant player. He was trying for the pro’s… already an Insei. He was
determined to catch Touya. Sai knew exactly why he’d been the one to see the
stain of Torajiiro’s blood and set him free from the Goban and his seemingly
endless slumber – the boy had the soul of a master within him. Perhaps it was
the way he approached each game as though it were another test of skill, or
maybe the way he showed sudden bouts of genius in the placing of his stones. Or
it could even be in the way his eyes burned as he played - with a fire he
claimed to see in others, but failed to notice in himself. Near the beginning of
his training he had always commented on the seriousness he saw in all of his or
Sai’s opponent’s eyes, as though the game was a battle they could not afford to
lose. He had never realized that that same look of determination was shining in
his own eyes as he fought to protect against the death of his stones.
“1, 7...”
Sai wished wistfully that he could watch the game that Hikaru was playing in his
dreams, but abruptly changed his mind when the boy flung himself over again and
kicked wildly at his bed sheets, shouting.
“No! No – get away from me! NO!!!!”
THUMP
“Hikaru!”
The fourteen-year-old boy sat up slowly, eyes squinted painfully shut as he
tenderly felt his head for the bump he knew would soon be forming on it.
“Itatatatataaaa….” He hissed, fingers finding and probing the painful spot on
his skull that had met the floor before the rest of him. “Stupid Touya...”
“Hikaru?”
The green-eyed boy ceased his squinting and looked up, meeting Sai’s concerned
gaze with a sleepily annoyed stare of his own.
“Daijoubu, de gozaru ka?”
Hikaru nodded, then abruptly looked pained as his bruised brain battered against
his skull. “Too much Kenshin, Sai. But yeah, I’m okay.” He rubbed at his head
again. “Just some really whack dream.”
“Touya?” He’d heard Hikaru mention the name a moment ago, and decided that he
could be correct in assuming that the other boy had something to do with the
lump forming on his student and host’s head.
“Yeah.” Hikaru muttered, slowly rising to his feet and turning to sit on his
bed. “He was trying to squash me with a Go stone.”
“How was that possible?” Sai questioned, a perplexed look on his face.
“They were really big.”
“Oh.”
Hikaru chuckled lightly, then immediately flinched, as the sound didn’t agree
with his poor, aching head. Scooting further back onto his bed, he crawled over
his rumpled sheets and slid back the window of his second-story bedroom. He
sighed, closing his eyes as a cool breeze greeted his face. “Man, that dream was
weird…” he mumbled, turning his face further into the breeze and smiling
slightly as it ruffled through his fringe, pushing the bleached strands back
from his heated cheeks. It felt great against his forehead, a cool contrast to
the hot sweat that had dotted it moments before. It even seemed to be easing the
throbbing in his abused head somewhat…
Sai felt a small smile forming on his lips as he watched Hikaru’s antics. The
boy was carefree; entirely true to himself… he would never go the way of the
sheep if he could help it. Sai somewhat envied him the freedom that he was
unaware of possessing. “You want to tell me about it?” He asked quietly.
“Hm?” Hikaru turned from the window, shifting his half-closed emerald eyes to
the kneeling figure just beyond the edge of his bed. “What?”
“Your dream.” Sai affirmed. “Sometimes they can mean something. If you tell me
of your dream then I could tell you what the meaning behind it is.”
Hikaru’s eyes widened slightly, meeting Sai’s with just a little more alertness.
“It was just a dream, Sai. A stupid nightmare. It has no meaning.”
“Maybe it does.”
“It doesn’t.”
“How do you know, Hikaru?”
“It’s MY dream.”
“That doesn’t mean anything.” The stubbornness in Sai just wouldn’t give in.
“Most often the meanings are hidden from the dreamers themselves.”
Hikaru’s shadowed-emerald glare fixed itself on Sai, grass and ocean eyes
meeting in a battle of determination that lasted until the pounding in Hikaru’s
head forced him to break the stare. He closed his eyes, leaning his head back
against the windowsill, the cool night breeze ruffling his hair and easing the
pain in his skull minutely.
“I no longer dream, Hikaru.” The soft voice of Sai spoke after long minutes of
silence. “I thought that maybe I could find meaning in yours...”
Hikaru sighed loudly. “So I dream for you now as well, eh?” He didn’t even
bother trying to keep his voice light. This headache was really starting to
annoy him… and Touya chasing after him with giant Go stones on a very large
Goban was not something he really wanted to share… with anyone.
Sai exhaled quietly and smiled through the sadness he could feel gathering
between them both. “No. Your dreams are all your own, Hikaru. I only wished for
you to share yours with me so that even I might be able to learn something.” Sai
knew he was sounding hopeful, but try as he might he could never keep his
emotions from expressing themselves through his voice.
Hikaru sighed again. He could hear the hope in Sai’s voice – it was as plain as
day to anyone who had spent almost two years with the spectre, and as usual he
found it almost impossible to deny the one-thousand year old ghost anything he
really wanted. “All right.” He conceded, maintaining the pretence of being
annoyed despite the slight smile that he aimed at Sai. “I’ll let you analyse my
dream, but only if you promise to let me sleep in tomorrow morning. No waking me
up early, got it?”
“Yes, yes!” Sai smiled, nodding eagerly.
Hikaru flinched. “And try not to talk too loud. My head hurts…” he mumbled,
rubbing at the knot starting to form at the back of his head behind his right
ear.
“Sorry, Hikaru.”
“Eh.” The boy waved it off. “My dream was really weird, so no laughing, okay?
I’ll try to give you as much detail as I can remember…”
Sai wriggled on his knees in anticipation. He was going to help Hikaru, and
hear about the game of Go he was playing in his sleep! It was good to have this
interaction with the boy - nowadays they hardly ever spoke about anything that
didn’t concern Go (not that Sai minded, of course), but even then a
normal-length conversation was rare. He missed talking with Hikaru. Sometimes
Sai couldn’t help but feel neglected and unappreciated, but he supposed that was
because Hikaru didn’t need him quite so much anymore, and maybe because of that
he was also feeling a little bit… jealous? Hikaru was progressing beautifully in
Go, was placing his stones in intelligent, strategically sound places. He didn’t
need Sai to play for him anymore. And so, Sai envied him, longing to touch the
stones, to feel their familiar weight against his fingers and to be the one to
place them on the board instead of Hikaru. That didn’t help to keep the air
between them calm and easy at all, and more often than not their energies
clashed quite violently, resulting in the arguments that were becoming more and
more frequent as the months passed.
Sai hated fighting with Hikaru, hated feeling so bad and making the boy suffer
for his own phantom inadequacies. It wasn’t Hikaru’s fault that Sai couldn’t
hold the stones. It wasn’t Hikaru’s fault that Sai had thrown himself into that
river a thousand years ago and taken away any chance of his fingers being
the ones to master the Hand of God. It wasn’t fair on either of them. So it was
times like these, when Hikaru allowed Sai to help him and to share something
personal between them, that Sai treasured with all of his heart.
Returning his attention to Hikaru, Sai smiled euphorically and waited for the
boy to start speaking again. After all, Hikaru was going to share his dream with
him.
“I remember…” The boy started, quietly and introspective. “That at first there
was no colour. Aside from black and white, that is. It was just all different
shades of grey. There was a wind, and it was cold, and it smelt like dried
leaves do when you scrunch them up in your fist, you know?”
Sai nodded. He remembered how that smell had filled the air in the mid-autumn
months, when he was playing Go with the Emperor or one of his guests out in the
palace gardens.
“I started looking around, wandering all over the place until I realized that I
was standing on a giant Goban.”
Sai blinked. A Goban? Settings were the central-points in dreams… so it had
something to do with his playing?
“There were already stones laid out, but they were way bigger than me so I
couldn’t see who was winning, though somehow I knew that it was white leading by
only half a moku. For some reason that scared me. Usually I don’t feel much
emotion in my dreams, so that was really weird.”
Sai nodded again. It was true that Hikaru rarely made any motions in his sleep;
he had just always taken the boy to be a mellow dreamer – and that’s what made
the nightmare this evening such an odd occurrence.
“Do you remember which you were?” He asked.
Hikaru shook his head. “I think I was white, but I kept feeling as though I was
playing as black as well. It was strange. Anyway, I kept getting this sense that
I had lost something, and that whatever I did I had to find it – that it was
really important to the game. I started running, trying to find whatever it was,
but a black stone moved into the way and trapped me. I tried to move it, ya
know, pushing at it and stuff – but it just grew bigger and got even heavier so
I couldn’t budge it at all. And my reflection in the stone… it wasn’t even me!
Even though when I looked at it I was thinking ‘Oh, yeah, man I look a mess’, it
wasn’t my face at all!”
“Whose was it?” Sai asked, knowing the answer to this question was going to be
very important. There was definitely a hidden meaning within Hikaru’s dream, and
seeing someone else’s reflection in a mirror was most certainly a sign of ill
omen. “Did you recognise the face?”
“Aa.” Hikaru nodded. “But that’s another thing that was weird. Half of the face
was completely covered in shadow; the other half was covered in a red light. And
Sai, the other half of the face was you.”
Sai grit his teeth to keep from gasping. Not good, no, not good at all. Hikaru
seeing his face in place of his own was definitely a sign of there being
something wrong… but what was it that was the problem?
“And that’s when things got even weirder, ‘cause Touya showed up out of nowhere,
really huge, and ordered that I continue the game with him. I refused, thinking
that I still had to find what I was looking for, but he kept insisting that the
game was already finished. Then he started playing anyway, and I had no choice
but to fight him. Then he tried to squish me, and I woke up.”
Sai’s face took on an almost unnatural-looking expression as he concentrated,
and Hikaru watched him at first with a mild amount of trepidation, which quickly
grew to worry as the specter remained deathly quiet.
“Sai?”
After a moment Sai raised his head and settled his almost stone-like indigo eyes
upon the worried green of Hikaru’s.
“There’s definitely a meaning in your dream, Hikaru.” The ghost said quietly
after a moment. “And I’m afraid it’s not very good.”
Hikaru could barely keep from swallowing in nervousness at Sai’s tone. He didn’t
really buy into all the dream-meaning mumbo-jumbo stuff, but the thousand
year-old spirit was certainly creeping him out with his strange behaviour.
“Most people don’t dream in colour, but aren’t usually aware of it because they
naturally assume that it is. The fact that you were aware suggests that the
colours or lack thereof hold especially significant meaning. The white stones
possibly represent the lighter side of yourself – your hope and positivism,
the part of you that deals with the day-to-day things in life, while the black
stones could represent the unknown part of yourself, the hidden things you keep
away from even yourself, or possibly even your emotions.”
Hikaru’s eyes flashed slightly. “Are you saying I delude myself?”
Sai shrugged. “Everyone does, Hikaru. I do – and I’m...”
“You don’t need to say, Sai.”
Sai nodded quickly to hide his sudden regret. “Aa… To continue, to have these
two parts of yourself fighting each other tells me that you fear both failure,
and exposure, so you are fighting to keep those parts of yourself hidden – which
would explain why white was winning. Black was being subdued, hidden away – but
barely.” Sai’s eyes raised and met the almost wide-eyed stare of the
fourteen-year-old sitting on his bed. “There’s something you’re hiding from
yourself that is taking a lot of effort to keep secret, Hikaru. And the fact
that there was a wind in your dream – which represents unsettled emotions and a
need for change – only strengthens the belief that it’s something emotional
that’s being hidden.”
“So what does that mean?” Hikaru asked. “That one day I’m gonna wake up and
whatever I’ve been hiding from myself is gonna be there?”
“I don’t know.” Sai replied, dropping his face to look at his hands. “ B-but the
face in the Go stone… that’s not good, Hikaru. It’s not good that it’s mine. The
shadow… the shadowed part is the part of you that you hate. And the other side –
the side that is me – that it is red could mean any number of things. Red is a
complex colour representing passion, heat, fire, anger, and the feelings that
one is not efficient enough.” Sai swallowed, wishing that the next part didn’t
need to be said. “The face… could mean that you are… comparing yourself to me,
not liking what you see… and then hating me for it.”
Sai waited, but there was no sound from the boy sitting on his bed. “Do you hate
me, Hikaru?” He asked.
There was a slight creaking from the bed, from the direction of where Hikaru was
sitting, but Sai didn’t dare look up. Aside from the man who had been his
co-instructor at Igo for the Emperor, no one had ever hated him. He didn’t know
if he could deal with seeing a look of such loathing on the open and smiling
face of his host. He didn’t know if he could take it on the face of anyone, let
alone Hikaru!
There was a heavy sigh from directly in front of him, and then he felt the
strange, distantly familiar sensation of hands settling on his shoulders. Was
Hikaru touching him? That was odd… Hikaru never touched him. It had
always been the other way around – Sai hugging Hikaru when he was delighted
about something or another. Hikaru didn’t like to touch him and hadn’t done it
save the one time when he had tripped and reached out to steady himself against
the nearest thing he could reach – which had been Sai. He had said that Sai felt
strange; sort of fuzzy around the edges, and that he hadn’t liked it much. That
had hurt when he’d told him that, but…
“No. Sometimes you annoy me, Sai. But I don’t hate you.”
Sai’s eyes rose to meet Hikaru’s, the rich indigo instantly trapped in a
penetrating stare of shadowed emerald.
“Besides, it was just a stupid dream and it means absolutely nothing. Either
that, or you’re just really crappy at deciphering dreams. How did you learn that
stuff anyway?”
Sai blinked at the rapid change of direction the conversation had just suddenly
taken. Since when had Hikaru become adept at diverting the trains of discussion?
The boy was, what, fourteen? Sai wasn’t even that skilled at it and before he
had died he had been a constant member in the Emperor’s Court since he was ten!
Maybe it was because children talked a lot more in this time… it would account
for the way he could so easily distract him when he was getting overly excited
about something that Hikaru thought to be trivial – like the microwave, for
instance. Sai still couldn’t figure out where they hid the fire youkai in that
tiny metal box.
“I - I was taught by an old Miko when I was a young boy. I had been having
nightmares and she offered to teach me to decipher their meanings myself so I
wouldn’t keep waking her up at night.”
Hikaru grinned at him. “You annoyed a shrine priestess? How old were you?”
“Um,” Sai thought for a moment. It was so long ago, but he did recall that the
nightmares had started assaulting him a few months before an incident with a
neighbouring Village boy, so that would have made him… “I may have been nine.”
He replied.
Hikaru’s brow raised itself slightly as he took this in. “You know…” He started,
somewhat hesitantly, as if unsure how Sai was going to react to what he was
going to say. “You never talk about your past much. All I know is that you
taught Go to the Emperor, and was accused of cheating by your crappy opponent
who was the one that was really cheating. I don’t even know how old you
were when you… well… I mean…” He screwed his face up in disgust at himself. God,
he could be so idiotic sometimes. “What I’m saying is – how come you never talk
about it?”
Sai shrugged, his face impassive but eyes holding the weight of those thousand
years that pressed behind them. “It makes me sad.” He replied quietly.
In almost two years of sharing his existence with the rather spontaneous spirit,
Hikaru had come to recognize almost all of his expressions. And even if he
couldn’t sense the sadness that licked at the edge of his awareness with eerie
persistency, the look alone in his symbiont’s eye would have told him that this
conversation was not going to continue tonight.
“Eh, I’m tired.” Hikaru stated, stifling a yawn and changing the tide of the
conversation once again. “And my headache’s gone now, so I’m gonna go back to
sleep.” Sliding back onto the bed, the boy swivelled around and lay back down,
dragging the thin summer sheet back up over himself. “Goodnight, Sai.” He said,
his voice bouncing off of the wall he was facing to reach the spectral ears of
the ghost still kneeling behind him.
“Goodnight, Hikaru.” Sai replied softly.
After a few minutes of silence the sound of Hikaru’s deep and even breathing
started to fill the room. A breeze still entered in through the window the boy
had left open, occasionally flipping at the corners of the posters on the walls,
but still remaining mostly silent and gentle.
Sai sighed heavily into the quiet, then turned his back to the wall again and
folded himself up to rest. Closing his eyes he settled into himself. Maybe
someday God would grant him dreams again…
That would be nice.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Chapter 1
These Eyes Will Probably Reflect It
Completed 2003