Now, now, no screaming allowed!!! If you haven't learned already, let me be the first to tell you that you are supposed to be as cavalier as those who make the comment. It makes them feel better about the whole thing because frankly, they don't know what to say. Chances are, if they've had children and they were lucky enough to have them born Gerber baby perfect, they CAN NOT relate to you at all!!! This does not mean they don't feel bad for you, they just have absolutely no idea how deeply your anguish and fear go.
Next, find yourself a group to talk to. www.cleftadvocate.org is a great place to start. There you will find mothers who are experiencing the same thing you are. Others who go through the same thing can give you perspective and sometimes some witty retorts.
I myself have had to bite my tongue on numerous occassions when that comment was thrown my way. I have learned to smile and say, "Yes, we live in a fabulous time." My head is usually yelling something entirely different. Something like this: " It can be fixed huh?! How 'bout someone punch a hole in the middle of YOUR face?? Make it so you can't eat or swallow without food coming out of your nose?? How about screwing up your hearing and giving you some wretched chronic ear infection??? Better yet, try to speak with a hole blown in your mouth! How about wondering if you'll ever breathe out of your nose like a normal person?? How about you have all THAT and I tell you non-chalantly that it 'can be fixed'??? Will you find comfort in that??" Alas, I have to beat the devil off my shoulder and try to rise above it. Really, people have no clue and that's what you need to remember.
My child was born with a cleft lip and palate. We didn't know until he was born and everyone keeps saying that it's nothing... it can be fixed. Why can't I stop crying and even though I know it can be fixed, why does that only make me feel worse? I feel like screaming at these people because they don't have a clue!!
Distraught Mom
I was at the store the other day and someone noticed my baby's face. They didn't ask what was wrong, they just followed me around the store peeking around aisles to see if they could get a better look. I was sad and mostly mad. Will my child have to endure this her whole life?? What do I say??
Amazed
Welcome to the world of "staredom"... you'll notice that's a play on the word "stardom". Having a child with an obvious facial difference will no longer allow you to remain anonymous. There are three ways to handle it; the first being to respond with the same type of ignorance. It would feel absolutely wonderful to be able to turn around and ask that person if your child's cleft somehow means your elevator doesn't go to the top floor. Alas, it would bring you down to their level and take away from the true beauty of your daughter. The second thing you could do is completely ignore the person and pretend they don't exist. Not much comfort but you still come out the other side better for it. The third being the one that takes the most courage. Turn to the person and explain that your child was born with a cleft lip and palate but is otherwise perfectly normal. Tell them you don't mind them asking questions because cleft lip/palate is one of the most common birth defects. Even though you might be crying inside, you have been given the distinction of becoming an educator. Is this the path you wanted to walk? Probably not, but it takes practice to hold your head high. Plus, it will rub off on your daughter. She too, needs to be able to answer the same questions with all the beauty and confidence that is rightfully hers!!