since 03/16/02
Chris Patton's Buddy Info
crisp dawn Posted 28 June 2005 - Tuesday by Chris
So tonight I finally lay my weary head down to rest and I drift peacefully into sleep as a highschool kid that has struggled his way through academics, leadership, and the mental war that has dictated and adapted its way into forming the soul that I have to offer today, and I arise with the sun the next day, breathing into my lungs the crisp air of a brand new person, owning a spotless slate, mercilessly locked onto a completely different mission.
Every step that I have taken in my life, every breath that has filled my lungs, and every failure that lay behind me has pushed me to this moment-these few hours. I have struggled, I have laughed, and I have cried. Begging the Lord above for some fragment of hope to cling to, my silent gaze has never been shaken from the elusive, but glimmering glow of my ultimate goal.
Tomorrow I get to wake up among five of the best friends that I have ever been blessed with. I'm heading off to the airport, directly into the unknown with the confidence that there are people left here that will miss me, and that are not happy about my absence, but are genuinely proud and excited for what I am doing. The people around me have pushed me, challenged me, and befriended me..and that is that only reason I am going to where I am headed to. For that I want to thank you all..you know who you are. You have been more than I could ever ask for, and in return for that I am going to head out there head first, and I am going to hit the ground running with every ounce of me.
I won't have a phone or a computer for a while out there, so if you love me send me a letter. Even if you don't love me, send me one. lol. I think it'll be very helpful to me to come back from a rough day in basic to a letter from the outside world and from someone I care about. Make sure you call me Basic Cadet Chris Patton, though, until August 9th, or I'll get yelled at. lol
Before August 9th and Starting tomorrow, I am
Basic Cadet Chris Patton
P.O. Box 1438
USAF Academy, CO 80841-1438
After August 9th, I'm:
C4C Chris Patton
P.O. Box 1438
USAF Academy, CO 80841-1438
sunrise Posted 6 June 2005 - Monday by Chris
In the bitter struggle between what is right, and what is wrong--who you are, and who you should never be, you find yourself walking straight to the edge, and inching your way to look over, only to find yourself faced with an endless expanse-one that will never answer you, and no matter how high you climb, no matter how hard you push your body, that empty space seems to grow, outreaching your grasp with every step. You finally open your eyes and realize that you are looking in the wrong place, you are completely off target, and you now you have to crawl down the mountain, more lost than you were in the first place, gritting your teeth with a new-found determination.
I feel like I am always looking in the wrong place at the wrong time. Every hint that I feel like I get seems to lead me in the wrong direction. The days are ticking down faster than ever, but I feel like that might be better. The sooner I get out of here, the sooner I can finally start fresh, the better. I can drop any sort of reputation that I have, any sort of personality that I thought I used to be...and comepletely begin anew. I don't know what it is about this place-but it seems to be pushing me away with every new day. I find myself listening to the most inspirational music I have, staring at a cluttered mess of materialistic objects that somehow seem to hold memories in them, as if they were some sort of containers, where I can just pick them up-stare at them, read them, and the memory floods back and I have something else to grasp onto as I prepare to leave this place, essencially, forever.
I don't know what is evading me so well..or what I am doing so terribly wrong.
silence Posted 19 May 2005 - Thursday by Chris
The sound of the music that has hit you hard fades out of your ears as the engine shuts off. The cool breeze battering your face calms, and you swing open the door slowly, afraid to shatter the silence that has shrouded you. Before you even realize what is going on, you find yourself gazing up at the blinding stars, and the only sounds on the planet that are left are the deafening silence in your ears, and a lone frog in the distance. The mid-night mist swirls in your wake as you walk, as if someone has a firm grip on your, dragging your way to wherever it leads you. Your shoulders are pulled firmly back, your question of existence is firmly planted, and your eyes focus sharply. The dead silence of the sleeping world make every sound louder, the dark sky blacker, and the moist air richer. Through a silence never heard during any other time...you hear the faint whisper of an even quiter voice, ringing from the farthests corner of your mind, as your life flashes in broken pieces before your moist eyes.
Have you ever felt like someone is trying to tell you something?
um... Posted 21 April 2005 - Thursday by Chris
What stress combined with working out makes...
when I hear it from the other side...it's a completely different song Posted 10 April 2005 - Sunday by Chris
So this month has absolutely flown by. Kinda scary, lol. Anyways, I am supposed to be in Colorado Springs right now, but they are having a crazy blizzard, so I couldn't even fly into Denver. Yeah, it was pretty dissapointing..but I think everything happens for a reason.
Since everyone, including myself, has planned for me to not be here, and the people in colorado have planned for me to be here, me coming back home has kinda felt like I've dissapeared from existance for this one day.
Soo-I have devoted this entire day to myself. It is so easy to forget to do this, but man I think that it has been good for me.
So I got back in arond twelve thirty, and ate a puny lunch, and headed out, and was on the river in the Kayak by one. I'm not really sure yet why it is so easy to forget the feeling you get when you're winded, your boat is gliding down the river, cool breeze flowing off of it onto your naked torso, you've got some sort of inspirational music on your ears, and every few strokes you send sunflower seed shells flying into the air. So two hours later I'm paddling in, pretty spent after rowing up and downstream, and getting out a couple of times to explore some rather pretty wooded areas and fields barefoot and muddy. I'm laughing at myself as I try to drag the boat up the steep bank with my tired arms, and after a while I make it and decide it's way to gorgeous a day to go inside...so now I'm suiting up with some pants, and I dump the cd player and sunflower seeds, grab some water, and slide on the soggy, muddy shirt that I had in the boat with me. I put on some clean socks over my dried and muddy feet, and grab the machette on my way to the woods. I havn't done that in a year or two...but man-what more can a 17 year old male ask for? lol. I get to chop stuff, explore areas of the woods that I doubt anyone is has been stupid enough to get themselves into (like patches of thorn bushes), and walk across fallen trees that are 10 feet above little creeks and creek beds lined with pretty sharp death rocks.
So now, after being active outside for four and a half hours, I'm heading back in, after having found a turtle shell, perfectly intact, holding the bones of what used to be an animal inside, much lower on the food intake than I am typically used to, exhausted, mouth swimming in the sour sticky saliva you get, and having a time breathing with all the dusty forest crap, and bleeding. Honestly, what else could a guy ask for?
Moral of the story? I havn't felt this alive in a very long time. I think that because of the positions that we are all put in during this modern world, and the simple shortness of day, we all tend to forget who...or what we are...and never really get a chance to stop and get it back. Corporate America, it seems, expects us all to be safe, clean, and spending our lives in somewhat an oppression. What we forget is that we started out there, and there are soo many answers to so many daily questions that we keep to ourselves out there. And we're so focused on being 'nice' or 'acceptable' that we forget to look at ourselves. Thank God for beautiful weather, and thank God for storms.
Kiss while I'm still alive Posted 8 March 2005 - Tuesday by Chris
I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tear
Of a world embracing every heartache
This song was still in my playlist from this morning, because I forgot to turn off my computer during the day...and it struck me when I started listening to the words. I've heard this song 30 times before, but it just started to make sense. This is exactly how I feel right now. I can't put it into any better words.
fake Posted 8 March 2005 - Tuesday by Chris
I've been trying to find ways to say this...but I am not having a lot of luck.
I am so tired of fake people. People who's closest friends have no idea their true feelings of them...people who pretend to be something completely than than they really are...and people that change their entire view of life depding on who they are around. That does not get you far. What you forget is that you and the people you talk to are not the only conversations that happen in life. The people talk..and your true colors show. And then you get pissed at people when they find out what you think of them. Wow..imagine that one.
What is probably even worse than this is people that do not defend themselves. They do not protect their own integrity, and they do not stand up for what they know and believe to be true in their heart. In the face of adversity...that is not the time to back down and pretend you didn't see it..or pretend that nothing is happening. If you know something is very wrong, and all you can do is sit there and feel bad about it...only to say something when it is finally pried out of you days later..you are not doing any good for yourself or your cause.
I just think it is so sad when people do not have the guts to be their own person...or stand up when they need to.
Also, along those same lines...there is something that goes around a lot..and everybody is at fault for it. I always catch myself and get really mad at myself when I catch myself doing it. There are some people out there that simply cannot help how they act. They are no physically capable of changing the way they either look or how they interact with their environment. There are the same people that get ripped into the most by 'normal people'...or even people who just think that they are normal.
Some peole have been so belittled and ridiculed during their entire lives that they have not gotten a fucking chance to be anything else. Day after day they come to school, or go to their workplace, and before they even open their mouths, they are beaten to splinters by people who don't have the balls enough to accept the person and shut their mouths. These kids are never given the chance, and you simply can't realize that you are ruining their LIVES for them. You sit and whine incessantly about how terrible your life is..and how 'fragile inside' you are...and you cry out for help day after day, after you sit in a class and destroy someone who has never been given a chance. No flipping wonder no one wants to support you.
One more thing..I promise.
Comeon guys...why must you make fun of people with mental illness so much? Why is that kind of stuff necessary. Those kids have never been given a chance since the day they came into this world...yet they are at the end of some of the worst treatment that humankind has to offer. Why do people have to put them at the wrong end of so many SICK jokes, and mock them? Put yourself in their shoes for a second. Since the first time that your eyes opened, and with the first breath, you were different..and you were different in a way that would never let you be strong, fast, and smart. You would never be charmed with good looks, and you would never, ever be given that chance, no matter how long your life is. So you're been living this life for years, and then you get around people, and dirty tricks are played on you, and people get a kick out of scaring you, out of ridiculing you. And every time you look behind you, you are being mocked.
No body reading this can tell me that they would enjoy that. That is sooo terrible.
Be the person you would want someone else to be. Is there any reason to be so hearless and apathetic?
update Posted 3 March 2005 - Thursday by Chris
Per request, I finally put some picutres of the new car up.
silence Posted 3 March 2005 - Thursday by Chris
So I just got a call that Vicky is in the hospital, via ambulance. I was just sitting down to update some pictures on my website when the call came through. So I'm going to go for a few minutes and listen to my favorite song that reminds me of Vicky and have a moment of silence and pray for her health. Any of you that happen to come across this please join me.
-Chris
Jeke Posted 22 February 2005 - Tuesday by Chris
It has been a while since I last posted...but I've written like three since the last one...lol. One of them I even tried to upload, but my ISP out of nowhere went blank. -_^ But I'm glad that happened...because I was sick and in a weird mood when I wrote them. Doesn't it make you wonder? Right before I got online to upload the new post, the internet suddenly completely blacks out at my house...and the instant I was in a different mood and I wouldn't have uploaded it anyways, service comes back and everything is working perfectly. It's things like that...
I had a blast on the ski trip with Vicky and Michael's youth group this past weekend. I don't remember having that amount of fun for such a long amount of time in a very long while. Vicky's best friend and her twin sister have both never really been big fans of me, and even less fans of the idea of me dating Vicky, but during this trip, we were forced to be on the same van with each other on the way up to West Virgiina, along with Michael, Vicky, and Jennifer....and the three of us really seemed to finally open up to each other, and ended up really enjoying each other's company through the weekend. I was really glad to finally get that chance, and I think it will make things a lot more enjoyable in the future. Plus they're fun people. But I think Vicky really liked it, too, that we finally really got along. Less stress, and she can hang out with some of her favorite people at the same time, instead of having to separate it. lol. Haha and Michael and I were cracking each other up the entire trip.
The skiing isn't amazing up there, as you could imagine, but you can really make your own fun...and it was cool skiing with the people I was with. But up there you do all the stuff like go up the sides, on all these fake trails, and jump and be cool, or take a good spill...but just be retarded and not really care. One really cool run, I got bored, so I just went straight down on this really bumpy part, and I started to get more and more air, but the last bump, I came down uneven, and my weight got thrown back, and I slowly just slid onto the snow, and then I began to tumble/slide down the mountain. I probably did at least two complete tumbles while sliding pretty fast, but finally I planted my pole, and got back on my skiis, and still at a good speed, skied down the rest of the slope. It was awesome and I felt like James Bond. haha
I havn't been so relaxed in a very long time. Listening to (at times, very strange) music in one ear, with the other end in hers, alternating between being awake and asleep, wrapped up in each other's arms in the back of the van. There's nothing to worry about, and you can finally just be yourself.
I think I found out a lot about myself this weekend.
She is amazing, and I wouldn't trade her for the world
girl Posted 8 February 2005 - Tuesday by Chris
With a girl like that...what more could you ask for?
Posted 2 February 2005 - Tuesday by Chris
Some of you have gotten the wrong idea of my post from yesterday, so read this.
I never once said that I was against the bracelets, and especially the idea behind them. Not once. I said I had a problem with some people that wear them. I think it is stupid to wear a bracelet like that to 'look cool', because then you are missing the entire point of the things. Then you arn't doing much for spreading the cause to others...are you? And Lance also is talking about fighting through cancer and living STRONG. I didn't say you needed to lift half your weight...I said that especially if you have the ability, you shouldn't waste your body, which could be used for so many other things...like fighting cancer.
And yes, acually...obviously you havn't been paying attention, but what about the white 17 year old in Florida that decided to crash his C-172 into a building? Forgot about him? And that is sick that you can call all Muslims terrorists. That's really not even worth breaking down on here. And I'm a bad person for what I wrote? That was the worst racial slur I've seen in a while.
And yeah, acually, I think that the Lord Jeses Christ doesn't like it when his servants waste themselves and loose their causes, acually.
If I offend you guys so much-why do you read this thing with every update?
And Matt, thank you sooo much for writing your name on there. Finally someone with some guts.
Posted 2 February 2005 - Tuesday by Chris
I have a quick message to a specific group of you all out there.
Those of you that call yourselves Republicans...those of you that are so 'hardcore bush' and 'anti-terrorism'..the same those of you that tell other people to 'liveSTRONG' wearing those cheap yellow bracelets.
Why do you hate terrorism yet 'hate' the middle east? Last I checked, the vast majority of the peoples of those broken countries are screaming out for peace and a stable lifestyle. The tiny minority are the ones who are ruining everything for the rest of the world. The tiny sick bastards that call themselves 'warriors' and rape women, slaughter children, and make sport out of destroying the integrity and body of a full-grown man. The same ones that use some fluke opportunity to take advantage of people that somehow missed out on that small opportunity.
How about you all out there that are telling me to live strong, while you vegetate at your computer screen, eating the typical crap american diet, neglecting your mind and body, too worried about what your xanga says, or what the people hiding behind false identities on instant messenger think about you? Yeah...lets live strong, sit around, and get fat, and care less about our grades, our skills, and our responsibilities.
Back to Bush and Tyranny. So yeah..you hate the little girls that are getting raped, and the kids that are loosing their body parts? Does that make you much better than the 'warriors'? Sharing the same religion doesn't mean sharing the same sick, twisted beliefs. Look how many muslims faced the grim reality of attacks and voted in Iraq.
"Let's just send a nuke into Iraq (Afghanistan, whatever)"
"I'm going to join the marines so I can go kill them all."
Well...one-good luck with that gut hanging off your side with the whole Marine thing..and two....sick..and you totally missed Bush's big point.
So I guess it's two different groups of people that I'm talking to..but they both are very related. I thought Bush and Lance were talking about a strong America, one where people stood up for what was right, knew what they were talking about before they stood on a soapbox, and an America where people acted upon their actions rather than just talked a bunch of crap.
I may offend a lot of people, and I am definately not perfect, by any means...but to the people that are going to react negatively to this and call me all kinds of names....let me tell you this. At least I read up on the news in the Muslim world before I make comments on it...at least I train my body and mind intensely when I talk about joining the American military, and for the sake of the living God above, at least I have tried with every ounce of strength in my body to carry through the promises I made to myself and the general public that I am aquainted with on this stupid Internet site.
It makes me so sad to see some of you out there with so much going for you, with so much ability...but end up doing nothing due to a lack of vision.
my december Posted 7 January 2005 - Friday by Chris
this is my december
This is my time of the year
This is my december
This is all so clear
This is my december
This is my snow covered home
This is my december
These last few months have been pivotal in my life. More than ever I have begun to understand who I am, and what I stand for..and have cruised quickly by some of life's harder lessons, and some very important ones for people in the situations I get put in. By no means have I particularly excelled, and I do not put myself above the people around me. Just over the last few months, or half a year, I am beginning to be able to see myself from the outside, to search for answers inside of my own heart. I used to stay up for hours at a time at night, looking over old letters, notes, pictures, objects with sentimental value, listening to specific songs, trying in vain to find something. I was looking for an answer, an answer that can never be revealed from the past or from somebody else. I have spent years doing the same thing over and over, always feeling like I was so close that I could taste it, sending chills down my own spine and experiencing a desire that will probably never die.
The failures and hardships..and the sucess and rewards of this year have taught me a different story. The person next to you, no matter how much they tell you they love you and care for you, is incapable of telling you who they are. And they are just as incapable of telling you who you should be, or why you should be who you think you are. After wasting hundreds of hours searching and thinking, I've been slapped in the face. But a little playful tap on the face was nowhere near enough to stopping me enough to realize something very important. It took a full force takedown, slamming me into the ground for a while. Only then, after a slow, but abrupt recovery, have I begun to stratch the surface of a greater truth.
The only person worthy of the question of your identity is the Lord Jesus Christ above. The only person you can look to in order to discover this truth is you yourself. If you take the time to just look at yourself, and ask yourself who you are, and what you mean, then you can start to get a vague example of why. I believe that I was put on this Earth for a very specific reason, by a very specific Person, with very specific weaknesses and strengths.
Like the song...this is my life. This is my deal...and the fact that I have been reacting to some very stupid things is my problem, and mine alone. That is ridiculous* (thanks for the spelling correction Matt), and even more dumb that I would act like that.
It is all so clear now
Knowing the fact that I gave my life to someone much greater a very long time ago allows me to relax and understand that I am who I am for a very specific reason, and that the friends that have been given to me and that I have been given to are the people who matter the most on this world. That I can look into Vicky's eyes and understand that I am wanted, and that I can depend on one of my guys to back me up and stand my ground with me....honestly how can it get any better? And it sure is a testiment to someone a lot bigger than them walking with me too.
But He walks with you, too.
I am going to work out as intensely as I can, work on flying with the most precision I can bring out, excel in school with as much perseverance availabe...you can continue the list for me. And I am going to say this again...if you have a problem with me..that's great..we can't all agree, and I life a higher profile life than some people do, so that opens up even more room for conflict. I just got off the phone with Stephanie, and for the first time ever, the two of us are working through a conflict without tearing each other down, and listening to each other and understanding where we each are coming from.
And if you don't want to do that because you would rather hate me...you know..that's cool too. But I'm just going to warn you that it probably will not bring me down, so you won't get as much enjoyment out of it as in the past.
This is my december...my short life, so gracisously given to me.
This is my time that I am spend, and yours if you've made it this far.
I am doing my best to spend it with all that I am to love my friends, and stand up and live strong, striving to meet all the goals and reasons that I have been put on this Earth for.
My name is Chris Patton
I have strong passions for the martial arts and aviation.
I have a stronger passion for people. And those who oppose who I am and what I stand for are nearly just as important, because you teach me sometimes more about myself and other people than the people who are close to me do.
I do not like some of you...that's something that can't be denied.
But because of this passion, in 5 years, even if I can't fly, I am going to risk the most valuable thing we are given, my life, so you...even the ones that want me to fail today.
Because you are just as important...just in a very different way.
Agree with me or not..just keep telling yourselves "five months"
And the Lord God above..the very reason I have the ability to type this, and the reason that clouds just broke in a matter of ten minutes and the sun is bearing down with golden rays on a land that was gray moments ago.
READ ME Posted 7 January 2005 - Friday by Chris
As of this day, the seventh of january, two thousand and five years after the death of Jesus Christ, and all days that shall follow...
There will be no comments on this website related to the group that calls themselves the 'band plastics' or of any persons affiliated with that group. And I hope that If I ignore it, then it will eventually start to ignore me..and everyone can just enjoy these last 5 months of highschool...until the day when we will never again see each other's faces.
have a nice day.
new year Posted 1 January 2005 - Saturday by Chris
Gotta put out a fire...
"Anyways, I was talking to Kayla last night and she told me that she went to Sam's house the other night and that when she goes out to her car and it's covered in shit... not literally. There's like egg, sour cream, whip cream, silly string... all this nasty stuff ALL OVER her car, windows, even in door handles. So she looks over to Michael Young's house and guess who's there... yup: Chris and Richie... both of whom I HATE intently. I guess I hate Chris more b/c he's manipulative and sneaky about being a douche, but Richie is just outright an ass... sneaky people like Chris Patton suck: they lie, they manipulate people, hold grudges, and pretend to be righteous when they're reall not. Yeah, there's a bad egg right there. But whatever... I guess hate is too strong of a word... I just don't like either of them because they're so mean to people... I just can't stand people who try to trick others. Whatever... not cool. Ok... I'm going to take a shower... later!"
So anyways...the reason I put this here is not to respond to anybody. I personally don't really care that some people hate me or want me to die or whatever the case may be. The reason I post this is because a few times now people have come to me and asked about this...and I just want to make it clear to the world that I had nothing to do with Kayla's car. The only thing I heard about was that someone put yogurt on her handles or something. That's all I was ever told. And when that happened I was outside riding a bike, getting cold and breathing hard. Most of you should know that that simply isn't my style. If I wanted to get something across to someone, I would go to them and say it. I have never vandalized someone's car, and it just isn't the way I would approach anything. So believe me or not...I've put the truth up here, so if you read this, please don't ask me. Have a great day, and I'll be back later.
new year Posted 1 January 2005 - Saturday by Chris
So it's been a while. I just got back in from Idaho...really good skiing trip...2 1/2 feet of snow..crazy sore legs..crazy powder skiing a good bit above my knees a few times...lesson that went overtime for free because the guy liked me...and lots of snowing and harsh weather and visibility at times below twenty feet, and a chapped face, dry skin...cold..wet...fire...presents...party from cousins for Air Force...lots of green tea. You can ask me about it if you want..but I had a really good time overall...and It was awesome to kinda just leave and forget about things..and it's also awesome to be home. Evidently there are some people that are upset with me...but no one's come to me yet...so I can't really say...hint, hint. But anyways..it's a brand new year...and an important year at that. This year I graduate..and this year I had off to Basic Training and a big hair cut. lol. I hate making lists of resolutions and stuff..because it never works out...I just like to make a few big promises to myself. So I know what I want to do and I'm going to try my hardest to keep those promises to myself. And I think I will. Anyways...I really only have two things on my mind right now...and I'm going to say those, get off, eat, and hang out with my buddies...havnt' seen them all week. Okay..so one:
So I've heard my share of funny comments about Vicky...and I know she's gotten a whole heapload of crap about me...but I just felt like saying something about this..because she deserves it..and I think I do, too. But anyways..man-I really like this girl. I know it hasnt' been a terribly long time, and a lot of you still have your doubts...but you know...I just can't wait to prove you wrong. The girl brings out a good side of me...and I just love every moment that I get to spend with her...though sometimes it doesn't end up being many moments. I belive that I have been put together with her for a reason...and the rest of you...just shove it..because I'm really tired of hearing that stuff. Just sit and watch me. Anyways...it's kind of a bummer because I finally got into town this afternoon and she left for Florida this morning...so that was some perfect timing :( So that one kinda sucks.
K, so next is a less touchy subject. I have had this story unfolding itself in my head since the 5th or 6th grade. I began toying with writing it down on paper in 6th...I think I still have the copies..pretty humerous. But I got a lot more serious about it several years ago..making it up to chapter six. Now I am several years older...I have been through a whole lot more, and this story that has been in my head for so long has honestly kind of erupted. It's almost a fantasy land for me...and all of the characters relate to people that are close to me, or have been close to me...and many characters are a mix of a few people. But anyways..it's exploded in my head...so this last week I started toying with the idea of starting it up again...basically from scratch. Well I'm on page 9 now...and it is so relaxing to me to write this thing out..because it lets me get out a lot of thoughts that I really can't put into conversational words. And when I go back and read it..it's like looking at myself from the outside. So I have come to the conclusion that it is really good for me and I am going to continue writing the thing. Dunno why I wanted to say that..but I wanted to. Some of you probably remember me writing it a long time ago. Haha. But anyways..it's kidna like meditating I guess so I'm doing it. But I gotta get going..because the food is here and this is getting kinda lengthy. Give me a call if you want to talk. Happy New Years
storm Posted 14 December 2004 - Tuesday by Chris
You are in the center of the most deadly storm ever to gouge scars in your universe. Unbearable heat fuses with absolute cold and hellish winds rip across your bare face. All around you swirles the black and gray clouds of hate, fear, and struggle. The world wants you to fall..it wants you to stumble and crash your face on the jagged edge. Icy breath leaking from your shaking body is instantly swiped away. It is impossible to stand...there is no way you can force air into your lungs, and the deafening roar of the storm reverberates itself around your skull.
Amidst the storm there is a light. So faint that a casual glance would never detect it. You have to look for it..but it is there, unmistakably, the only stable object surrounded by the hellish chaos surrounding it. Lock your eyes into it. It gets bigger, intensifying. Feeling starts to rush back into your body, and the stinging pain numbs across your body. You stay focused, and a gentle warms crawls its way across your fragile body, unmistakable against the freezing burn of the storm. Jar your vision just once and you have to start over. Just once and the pain, and the defeaning roar surges back into your senses.
But don't get jarred. Keep your focus. Soon you can stand, and you slowly make your way to this light. The roar is gone, and the only defeaning sound is the gentle roar of silence. The only light you can see is pure, relaxing light, a reflection of whatever it is in life that makes you happy. You feel whatever you want..whatever your mood is...a cool relaxing mist wrapping around your body, or a gentle warmth covering you. There is no mistake about it..it is a very real thing. Amongst a world that wants you to fail, and situations you thought you would never live through..it is there. All you have to do is believe...and keep looking at it. Forget the storm...against that faint pinpoint of light...it means nothing and is absolutely powerless.
At least that was my revealing thought today during some conversations with a few people.
stars Posted 7 December 2004 - Tuesday by Chris
Alright, so it is absolutely gorgeous outside. I totally want to go sleep under the stars tonight. Too bad I'm still getting over being sick or I might seriously think about it. I havn't seen the skies that clear around here in a very long time. After a whole day of lots of rain too...really makes you kinda stop and think.
You're out there...soo many stars shining down on your, the weather is perfect: you have this misty breeze flowing around your body. The only sound you can hear is the defeaning silence and the occasional fluttering of some nocturnal creature, and the cricket's song. Your breath rolls out in a cloud of condensation, quickly evaporating into the mist surrounding it. Breathing in your first true breath of air of the day, you can't help but stand there and loose yourself for a minute.
There seems to be a lot of conflict out there. I'm not going to put my opinion up here about any of it..because honestly it just isn't my place. The people I support know that I support them. And if you want to know my opinion, just come ask me...because I will tell you what I think. And I am always open to hear the other side of a story. But I hope everything somehow gets resolved in whatever way it needs to, because I hate seing people I am close to hurt...and people that I am getting to know and beginning to really care about.
My day wasn't bad. The weeks are absolutely flying by now, though. It's kinda crazy. Band had a concert tonight, and I think it went pretty well. We sure do seem to rise to the occasion on every performance, though. It's kinda weird. I had a lot of fun with some people that I (unfortunately) do not normally get to hang out with tonight. You guys, I had a lot of fun.
grr..i need to get to bed to finish this recovery dealy. Everyone have a great night
Vicky you probably won't read this until after I talk to you next, but I hope you feel better and I'm glad I got to see you for at least a few minutes tonight after the concert. Every minute I get counts....hardcore
Well that was the least emotional post I've written in a really long time. Hope you enjoyed yourself...
but don't get used to it.
Are you listening Posted 5 December 2004 - Sunday by Chris
I forced myself to sit down a lot this weekend and spend the most time alone I think I've spent in several months. And after so many requests and prayers, I think the post from Thursday is slowly starting to dissolve. One by one the colors are coming back and I am finally beginning to see clearly again. These things that I have been so helplessly confused by are acually starting to make sense. This is a very good feeling. Today I finally was able to work out after over a week of not at all..and only about once a week for 3 weeks before that. Felt good. lol.
I think that I also am starting to see more of the reason that I am who I am. Anyone who knows me will aggree that I am very different from the norm. There are several reasons for this difference, I think...but they also in no way make me any better, or any worse, than the person standing beside me.
I just think it is so funny how I"m approaching an official month with her, we've barely kissed, and literally half the time we plan or try to hang out..the plan gets shot down (usually by her family..but sometimes not). We are complete opposites, from just about complete opposite sides of the spectrum. Her friends loathe the fact that she is dating me, and consistently try to warn her, or talk her out of it.
It's so interesting...
Yet I stop to think and I find myself doing some equally silly things.
Yesterday I didn't go to a movie with two of my best buddies, and ended up spending five minutes with her.
But it was worth every second.
I went from who I was, and who I was becoming, to a person in the relationship that we have...in less than two days. Because of her.
And now..I've seen her and talked to her for a grand total of about 3 hours this weekend..and that's probably being generous.
Yet all I can find myself to do is sit down on the computer and write on my website about how great she is and how blessed I am to have had this happen to me.
It's so crazy. She makes me sound like a giddy little girl. But hey..you know..whatever works.
On another note..I just kinda have a little thought. Let me know if you agree or not. I think we all have a very distinct purpose for living here on this planet. I think we're made up of a lot of little purposes...and most of them we will never discover. Like this man I saw years back..I never spoke to him, and I've seen him only once in my life, and probably never will see him again. He is probably the thing that inspired me most to get serious about Karate and really end up where I am today..just because of how his forearms looked when he was cleaning a stove at a Japanese restraunt. It's stupid little things like that where your purpose is just living your life like you are supposed to. There are also situational purposes. I think God put Vicky and I together for a specific reason, and as bizarre as the relationship might seem right now..I think there definately is an intended meaning. Not to mention the fact that the two of us are learning a lot from each other. A little while ago I was co-Drum major with Kayla Sargent. We held the same position at the same time, yet at times performed entirely different actions, I think because of our entirely different purposes. So I could go on and on..but this is the crazy part. Purposes can change within one day...even one hour. I think the God constructs you as a very unique individual...and as long as you allow Him to, he puts you in situations where that exact intended structure that you have works directly in sync with the situation..and it's such a weird feeling. It makes the situation that much more relaxed, easier to work through, and ten times more productive. And then you go and try to put yourself in a situation that you think is the best for you, and the entire time you are miserable and ineffective. At least that's how it's kinda been for me for the last half a year. And it's been quite an experience looking back and watching all of those situations that I've been put in.
But of course...an easy simplistic life 24/7 makes you weak as a person..so even God is going to come put something really hard in your way..but it's designed to make you so much bigger and stronger in the end. Like Vicky and I believe that He put the two of us together for a reason...but this also is probably logistically and sensibly the toughest relationship I've been in..and it hasn't been long at all. You just have to keep in mind what it is happening for, I guess. Because every moment that I finally do end up getting to spend with her...I don't ever want to leave and it more than makes up for anything the world or her family, ;), can throw out.
So sorry, I'm going to cut this short. I've really been more of preaching to myself than anything else..but I might as well post it up on the internet..because it provides some insight to what I am thinking up here..and that's why I have a site in the first place. You guys enjoy your week...I can imagine it's crazy for most of you, because I know it's a very very busy week for me. Later
wow Posted 2 December 2004 - Thursday by Chris
Do you ever find yourself in these moments? The moments where you stop to take a breath but for some reason can't force any air into your lungs. Where you pause, looking around, and realize that there are just some things that are not going right. You're like the thorn in someones side..you're going against the grain, and instead of letting the current help you you're struggling against it. No one around you seems weird, and you seem plastered into this false world where when something makes sense, it doesn't. And if something doesn't make sense you might as well not even try to pay attention to it. The tiny bug crawling on your windowscreen is so at ease..he is so peaceful. The squirell outside knows nothing but food and sleep.
You try to close your eyes..to pretend that some of this doesn't happen. You choose to ignore the fact that it is you versus the world, and you tune out the idea of trust. My life is so picture perfect...yet nothing is complete...err..nothing really makes much sense. Why I am the way I am..and why I'm not the person that I'm not. Why I think the way I do...the way I have to force myself not to be. The way I accidently keep myself from acting.
A stop in this intense life reveals a spinning world..one that makes absolutely no sense.
I am sooo so very close...yet every time I get just the slightest bit knocked off course I am sooo far away.
Comments? Advice? let me know..because obviously I don't.
wow Posted 29 November 2004 - Monday by Chris
I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
do I stay or run away
and leave it all behind?
it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again
wow Posted 28 November 2004 - Sunday by Chris
Okay so I'm a looser. But I completely re-did the shoutout section..so if you're one of my good friends, go check it out.
headaches suck. Posted 28 November 2004 - Sunday by Chris
I have a headache and I feel like crap, so I have been working on my website for a few hours. lol. Well I changed just about every single picture page on my site in some fashion, but the ones you need to worry about are probably the ones of me , friends, and a brand new page that I just made today...one kinda going along with a post from a while ago about change. So check it out and enjoy yourself. The picture up top is Vicky and me after we decorated my christmas tree in freaking November. lol. Gay..I feel like such a scrooge..but comeon. I don't like to start celebrating Christmas so early because I think it kinda takes away from the experience. I like to keep in in less of a time and realllllly enjoy it while it's here. But my family is leaving on Christmas day, so my mom made us start early. Oh well..made for a fun time with Vicky, and I really do love Christmas anyways, though most of you won't believe me, so it was kinda neat. See you guys later.
stupid slow congressional offices Posted 26 November 2004 - Friday by Chris
Ehhh, I can't believe that I am finally giving in and filling out one of these stupid things...oh well. You better enjoye it:
LAYER ONE:
-- name: Christopher Eugene Patton
-- birthplace: Easley, South Carolina
>
-- current location: Suwanee, GA
-- eye color: Green..but they tend to refflect what I am wearing.
- hair color: brown
-- height: 5' 11" and three-quarters
-- righty or lefty: Lefty
-- zodiac sign: I think I'm a gemini?
>
LAYER TWO:
-- your heritage: umm..American. :D
-- your weaknesses: out of many, over-anaalyzing thigns
-- your fears: I'm terrified of loosing mmy sight..or at least clear vision.
LAYER THREE:
-- your most overused phrase on AIM: probbably 'faggot.'
-- your thoughts first waking up: ooo-> that didn't feel very good.
-- your best physical feature: not sure tthat I have any of those. I like my sex muscles though. lol
--your bedtime: from ten to 3.30 or 4
-- your favorite memory: Turning around tto face a roaring crowd and giving them a bow with my cape flowing down to the side after our band completely raped up at St. Augustine.
LAYER FOUR:
-- pepsi or coke:both should die
-- mcdonald's or burger king: both shouldd die
-- single or group dates: I think you shoould do both...but If I had to choose just one and I only got one shot..definately single.
-- adidas or nike: nike..definately
-- lipton ice tea or nestea: I dunno the difference..but both probably should die
-- chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
-- cappuccino or coffee: both should die<
-- smoke: no way in...yeah..that's nasty<
-- cuss: I'm working on it.
-- sing: when I'm in a really good mood
-- have a crush: "i guess you could call it a crush ;)" -vicky
-- do you think you've been in love: not so sure....but I don't think so
-- want to go to college: yes. I wan't too go Air Force but every day it's looking more like I'll end up at the Naval Academy. Oh well...being a semen can't be tooo bad. heh.
-- like(d) high school: It has been greatt fun and an amazing learning experience..but definately ready to move on in life.
-- want to get married: very much so
-- believe in yourself: yes.
-- get motion sickness: not usually..lol<
-- think you're attractive: not particulaarly
-- think you're a health freak: People caall me that..but I just think that I am making a good choice for myself.
-- get along with your parent(s): for thee most part
-- like thunderstorms: I used to be terriified...but now going outside with a video camera wrapped in tin-foil to do Karate in the storm out on the riverbank....good times there.
-- play an instrument: clarinet, baritonee
LAYER SIX:
in the past month...
-- had sex: naw
-- made out: unfortunately..but those whoo know me..that stuff's definately changing....err..changed.
-- gone on a date: kinda but not really. Someone's parents are a little caught up in 'family time' [cough cough]. lol just kidding.
-- gone to the mall: thank God..nope.
>
-- eaten an entire box of Oreos: those shhould die
-- eaten sushi: as a matter of fact someoone fed some to me while I was driving
-- been on stage: yeah
-- been dumped: not yet..but we'll see ;))
-- gone skating: no..but now that it's brrought up I'll probably end up going outside to do it.
-- made homemade cookies: those should diie
-- gone skinny-dipping: probably need to go to the tanning bed before any of that action happens..
-- dyed your hair: nope
-- stolen anything: no
LAYER SEVEN:
ever...
-- played a game that required removal off clothing: yes
-- been trashed or extremely intoxicated:: good Lord, no.
-- been caught "doing something": yes
>
-- been called a tease: by a few..lol
>
-- gotten beaten up: by my head instructoor who is amazing and second only to God in fighting and who can take anyone. (sorry..still kind of emotional about wednesday)
-- shoplifted: ..yes
-- changed who you were to fit in: man thhis layer sucks.. yes.
LAYER EIGHT:
in a significant other...
-- best eye color? as long as it's differrent from normal...and kinda sharp in color..if you know what i mean
-- best hair color? dark brown, almost bllack, but not really
-- short or long hair: lol long but not ttoo long..a little below the shoulders tend to be pretty hot
-- height: where I can rest my chin on thhe top of her head
-- best weight: I prefer someone who lookks out for herself and keeps herself in check
-- best body part: I'm a sap for a reallyy cute face
-- best first date location: near some boody of water
-- best first kiss location: hm..this couuld get interesting. While skydiving would be really hot...or while flying over sunset. Dude something in the air :D [chills]
LAYER NINE:
-- Numbers and Names of Children: Two boyys..or at least one boy. Raef is a really awesome name..but for the bride's sake..I like Josh, too. For the little girl..Lauren, or Laura
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: Definatelly a small wedding near a really pretty beach with blue water...but really I don't care..because when I get married I'm marrying the woman God picked out for me...so I don't care if we get married in Cumming Georgia..it's still going to be amazing.
-- How do you want to die: in combat..butt when I'm old enough for it to not affect a spouse and/or kids
-- Where you want to go to college: Uniteed States Air Force Academy...but again I'll probably end up at navy.
-- What do you want to be when you grow uup: fighter pilot
-- What city would you most like to visit: the town where the Shaolin Temple is in China
LAYER TEN:
--# of people kissed: a few
--# of drugs taken illegally: 0
--# of bfs/gfs: a few
--# of people I could trust with my life:: I can think of a couple..but not many..ask me again after I'm at a serivice Academy..it'll be a lot more
--# of CDs that I own: enough
--# of piercings: zero
--# of tattoos: no...but If I ever decidde to work out enough to get muscley, then I kinda want one..a small one..haha.
--# of scars on my body: enough that I doon't want to sit and count them all
--# of things in my past that I regret: MMiddle School..but I'm learning not to regret it..because it helped me learn soo man valuable lessons really early and helped me be who I am today...which still evidently many people don't like..but hey..you can't win 'em all, right?
Wow so that was a crazy waste of time. lol oh well. Thanksgiving has been alright..I discovered something. Someone let me know if you have an insight on this:
When I spent a lot of time in the house I started to feel really sick and stiff, and sore..and then when I went outside and spent some out there just kinda living, I felt soo alive and not sick, and my body felt like it worked right again. Then I'd come inside for too long and the cycle would start all over again. I spent most of the day today outside and I feel really good. I think we spend too much time indoors, because man, just forcing yourself to go breathe some real air and get a scratch or two (or if you're an idiot and launch yourself off of trees with a rope swing..a lot), it makes you feel so much more alive, relaxed, and appreciative. Anyways, that was my little thought of the week so far. Enjoy the rest of your break..later.
..and on mondays, we go to Karate.. Posted 22 November 2004 - Monday by Chris
I've been falling asleep doing things that take less brainpower, so I've been wandering around trying to find the more stimulating things in my house and somehow ended up on my website..so it's time for another entry.
Since it is nearing thanksgiving..I might as well give my thoughts on the holiday..and what it is supposed to mean.
Sometimes a person just has to sit back and look at life from a third person point of view and watch how their life is going, and how they act, how they are, and the many things that are involved in their lives. Yeah, I understand that a lot of people try to play these stupid games and write all this bs on their xanga's because they're in a weird mood for 10 minutes and tell about how much they love their families, God, their cat..you know whatever. All that stuff is really great, and everyone should be thankful for all of that...but I think it's a bit deeper than the typical three-year old answers.
When you wake up in the morning, and you raise out of unconsciousness...what do you think when your eyes open and you can see? What are you thinking when your diaphragm opens up your chest and air rushes into your lungs? What about that enormous obstacle you tackle when you stretch out your legs and force yourself out of bed. I can probably answer for most of you..including myself. You think about how tired you are...how much you don't want to leave your comfy bed..etc. How many of us wake up and realize that we are alive and breathing..and think about how thankful we are for that. We are NOT entitled to the ability to wake up every day...it is a gift that we have been given. So I'm going to change subjects really quickly here, so hold on.
It burns me up inside and twists my heart to see third world countries and its citizens barely living in poverty. It absolutely kills me..so don't get me wrong on this. It makes me absolutely sick when people sit around and complain about how they complain about their lives. "I shouldn't be whining, because someone in India is barely living when I have all of this stuff." Well..one...yeah...stop whining..? Maybe that'd work. Two..believe it or not...they have things that we don't have. They don't have some of the stresses that we have to live with because of the type of society that we live in. Yeah, it's great and all over here..but sometimes it freaking can be hard...so I'm really tired of people saying how easy life is over here in the suburbs of the US of A. Maybe you are being lazy and your life is pretty easy, but I know a whole LOT of people that are really pushing themselves and making their lives really tough..so it's not all great and dandy. So on that thought...when you sit around and complain about yourself complaining..good Lord people..don't you realize what that breath could be used on? I am sooo thankful that I always have food on my plate. I'm soooo thankful that I have friends I can depend on to make me stronger..I'm very thankful I have God to always run to. But really above that..I am so thankful that I have been given the tools to make life here on Earth more bearable for other people..including those living in poverty in India. I'm going to take advantage of every single advantage I have being a white kid living in middle class suburbs..and I'm going to use it later on in life..more than likely in the military..which will provide protection for not only those people..but also the lazy people over here that are telling me how bad it is over there but doing nothing to change things.
Guys I'm really sorry this is kind of heated..but It's a big personal thought of mine. Whether you are a religious person or not..when you wake up in the morning be thankful that you are alive..and that you work. Wether it's a good day or a poopy day..you learn something and become a better person for it. But also be thankful that you have food on your plate..because that will make you stronger (assuming you don't waste yourself on junk..but that's a whole different topic)...and that will allow you to develop yourself so that you may make this place more bearable, and more enjoyable for other people. And I'm not saying go join the military. Just working really hard in some business here in the states could, and probably would create more prosperity, which leads to more opportunity to programs and the such to occur in the places that need it. Doctors, lawyers, bus drivers, stock brokers..I don't give a flip what you do...as long as you love it and you're thankful for it.
I am thankful for a forgiving God.
I am thankful for a healty body.
I am thankful for the opportunities that I have been given
for my talents, as well as my weaknesses.
for the people who dislike me almost as much as the people that like me..
for Cookie, and Kitty, and my Katana, and my CZ-452 Long .22 rifle.
..for the air I breathe
I am so very thankful for the people that call me 'friend' and the new people I've gotten to know this year. You know who you are.
Happy thanksgiving everyone...remember it's your one excuse you have all year to eat as much as you possibly can..so definately enjoy it. I'll be needing some chances to escape from all my relatives sometimes, so feel free to give me a call and we'll go do something. Leave your comments on the box thing...again..preferably with your name.
What are you thankful for?
Hurah Posted 14 November 2004 - Sunday by Chris
Held in the grasp of gentle silver wings, flexing and pulsing with the atmoshpere, you're floating thousands of feet above the ground where you are 'supposed' to be. A small bucket seat keeps you from the endless void below you that would otherwise be 'up'. Rays from an afternoon sun shoot across the endless land onto the northern mountains, painting them with a warm glow. You are above everything else. The rest of everything seems so small and insignificant, and you are alone, face to face with the heavans, dancing with the drifting clouds.
I'd forgotten how much I loved flying. Today I flew over six flags, stone mountain, and downtown Atlanta..so that was a lot of fun. Thursday I have my first night flight, and Sunday I'm going up to Athens. Good times for aviation.
A mixed blessing came in the mail Friday..it was from Senator Zell Miller...and I got a nomination..but to the Naval Academy. As dissapointed as I was for a while, looking back, I got a nomination from a Senator out of over 250 qualified kids to a military service academy..so It's kinda neat. I had an interview with John Linder's panel this last Saturday, and I think it went really well..but we'll see how it goes. That'd be really cool to have to choose between the Air Force and the Navy. I really hope I make it to USAFA..but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.
So I think Vicky and I are official now..which is really exciting. I got 'the talk' from her dad last night...lol. I've never gotten one of those before, so It was really interesting, but I totally respected everything he said, and I gained a lot of respect for her parents through it. I got to hang out with all of them and her little sister last night for a long time, and I really..really enjoyed myself. Her family is sooo cool, haha. And I think they like me.
But like I came in last night for dinner over there and I look on the fridge, and It's got in big black letters 'pray for Chris @ 11.50' on it. That was when I was in my interview..which was one of the most high-pressure situations I've been in all year...because It was my last chance at getting a nomination for the Air Force Academy. So I was really worried about it, and Vicky was with me when I got the call about Miller's nomination..so I asked her to think about me and pray for me. I mean how crazy is that. This has never happened to me before. I was soo touched, and I don't think any of them will ever know how much it was appreciated and how relaxed it made me when I read it.
Most of you on here will agree with me, especially my anonymous buddies...but that is something that I truely believe that I don't deserve. I am soo lucky God put Vicky (and really..her family) in my life when He did.
I've been trying to find my own answers. Every clue that I get, or every hint, brings me closer, and more anxious. Every time I read an old note that carries with it some special message that I don't get until later..every time something happens that gets me one step closer, I struggle to push it foward, to uncover all of the answers. I've been trying to take absolute control of my life and dictate every pulse, every step of every path. Beaten down to the point where every aspect of your life makes absolutely no sense...nothing is straight, and nothing is consistent. Your vision is broken, and you are clueless as to the mere thought of the next step of your life. Giving up and going home seems to be the only option. But really..when you stop and think about it, and you really give it a shot...these are some of the strongest moments of a person's life, and definately some of the most exciting. It's a nearly physical slap in the face telling you that you are not in control. Someone a whole lot better at it is taking it for you and doing all of the hard work. I don't care who you are..or what background you are from. I don't care if you're the most atheist person on this planet. The more you fight it..the more broken you will get. The more you fight it, the more alone you will get, and the less things will work out the 'right way'. That is because no matter who you are, and no matter your background..there is someone a whole lot bigger than you with a whole lot better plan battling fiercely to make your life better.
That was my deep thought this weekend, after experiencing a situation like that on Friday. Relax, but put all of you and all of your effort into whatever it is that you do..and then let everything else fall into place, because there is nothing else that you can do besides put your own effort in.
This has gotten a lot longer than I planned..but you know how I get when I start talking about important things that mean a lot to me.
I'll see you guys later..leave a message on the box thing or whatever..and again..I'd really appreciate if you would tell me who you are...because if you hate me and you havn't taken the time to personally get to know me..then you have got yourself a little personal problem. And if you have taken the time...I'd like to know why you hate me so I don't make a mistake I might have made earlier again. See how it all works out?
like a kid Posted 4 November 2004 - Thursday by Chris
I've got a lot less emotional post today...but one that is very much relevant.
I just caught myself daydreaming a few minutes ago..it was crazy. It probably was the first dead silence that I've heard in several days...and I just just wondered off into my own little world.
Some of you don't want to hear this..but this is my life and something big that is going on right now..so here it goes.
She makes me feel like a little kid again. I feel like a second grader with a little crush or something. It's absolutely insane..I have not felt like this in a really, reallly long time. I was crusing right along..being an idiot..then BAM..stopped dead in my tracks. I don't really have any clue what is going on...but any female that can give a guy like me butterflies just by thinking of a slight possibility...and especially any female that I refuse to try to kiss because I don't want to mess anything up...has got something seriously attractive about her. So my friends can attest for me-It has been driving me hardcore up the wall lately.
I can only hope to God that she's not like me...and that I do not get what I deserve.
...I guess time will tell.
Good day...not too much going on. I have acual FREE TIME and it's amazing. I have a decent stomach ache right now..so I'm hoping I can get to Karate and get it knocked out so I can work out for a couple of hours tonight. Also, John Linder offered me an interview for USAFA...so I'm pretty excited about that. I should find out about Zell Miller either this week or next...so I'm getting really nervous about it. I know that it will all work out like it needs to...but I still really want to make it. lol.
Well that's about all the new stuff that has been going on. I've noticed that more people than usual have been on this site lately..so feel free to call me, e-mail me...or leave a message on this comment box dealy. Just please..be a strong individual and use your name. That'd be great. I'm outta here.
revlolution Posted 4 November 2004 - Thursday by Chris
So listen up..because this is probably the most important post that I have every put up on here.
Today was our (more than likely) last Marching band rehearsal...ever. I was standing up on the podium, and I knew it was the end..because I was completely relaxed and stressfree..and it was easy and flowing, during the entire closer. That means that there was basically no work left to do on it..so I know our show was the best that It could have been given the circumstances, and that means that it is the end of the season. After rehearsal we had a talk with the whole group, and after a while, seniors were dismissed. I took my time leaving the room, because it started to hit me..and as I made my way to the door after grabbing my stuff out of the back, I kinda wiped my eyes across the room as I walked away. Most of the band was looking back at me, and it really seemed like time slowed down..just for that instant. I knew right then that I was walking away from something...that this last chapter of my life was finally concluding...and as soon as I turned around and walked through that door..it was over. I love my band..the kids..and what we all stand for...but I also realized something when I had to close my eyes and turn away.
I understand now what is going on. I understand now why people say the things that they say. Here's something most of you wouldn't expect me to say..ever.
Last night before I went to bed, just like any other night, I turned out the lights and kneeled down by my bed. But unlike any other night, I crashed down to my knees, and I was shaking. I was struggling...and terrible mixture of anger, confusion, and helplessness. Through blurred eyes I stared at the moon out my window and screamed out in my head, "why are you doing this to me." These last few weeks have been pretty intense for me..and those who know me know why. I've gotten more than my share of negative comments, and judgements from people, and It's been really hard to work with. Leadership positions that I am in have been a lot harder. Someone wants me dead. I've been bitterly struggling this idea of 'burning out'..because I know that as soon as I do..it's all over. Sleep has been terrible. Staying awake has been even worse. I've had to force myself to stay even the least bit focused, and I've had to kick my own butt to stay on top of things. Some people I used to depend on have completely turned on their heads, and things have been interesting. Chambliss wont even interview me for the academy...my grandparents are on their last legs...and my family has a less than fantastic moment last night. I could go on..but that's ridiculous and beyond the point. Kneeling on my knees, tears fell from my face...and I was hopeless.
I understand now why this is happening. It is now my firm belief that I am starting a whole new chapter in life. I am meeting new people, I got a job offer last night..which means that If I do accept it I will probably get a new car..marching band is over, and I'm training a lot more for Karate, since I'm going to start getting more competitive. My entire world is changing, and there is nothing anyone can do to change that. Some people around me have been trying to keep me from doing this...trying to keep me from taking a step forward. They can't keep up..or they don't want to..so they believe that I am a terrible person for stepping ahead and moving on in my life. They use every emotional weapon they can think of to try to keep me back, to keep me from changing, and to keep me from becoming what I am supposed to become. I didn't realize this until tonight. For some reason I kept blaming it on myself...and all of the stories I kept hearing of these people were really starting to drag me into the dirt. This is absolutely rediculous..and God is rapidly changing my life and taking advantage of situations that I have been in...and for people to try to keep that from happening...that is why we are no longer friends. Nothing other than that.
I believe more than anything else that God has put new people in my life...I believe this has happened for a very exact reason. They have already helped me out more than they can even possibly know, and I am so thankful for this change of atmosphere.
To wrap this up..the is the beginning of a new chapter...a new person...and that is a resolute fact. Those of you who can't accept it...you know what to do. If you have a problem with me, bring it up to me, to my face...or it really isn't worth me worrying about it. I love all of you guys and I wish we could all be cool...but I am so pissed at some of you for some of these situations.
And you're pissed at me.
So It's probably good that things are changing..good that things are no longer going to be the same from this day forward. To those of you that I have hurt, I am terribly sorry. For those of you that have tried to support me...you are incredible people and are sooo far ahead of where I am right now. You guys own.
Richie, Tyson, Michael, and Kyle. You guys are what have kept me together. I was talking to someone about it today. The best part of my week is always Friday nights.
The rest of these entries have been cleared out for a deliberate and specific reason. If you want to know anything feel free to approach me about it. I welcome anything. And thanks for your time.
-Chris Patton.
