Shadow Stevens: Now, the star of the hit ABC series Lois & Clark: 
The New Adventures of Superman, Dean Cain!

<audience, especially women, screaming as Dean appears on stage>

DC: "Good evening. I was thinking, recently, of..."

<screaming continues and Dean smiles that mega watt smile>

DC: "Come on, now!" He chuckles.

<screaming settles to a dull roar, but remains constant throughout
his speech>

DC: "I was thinking, recently, of some of the weird things that we
do to amuse ourselves. Now, Comic Relief is a good way to amuse 
yourself, but I was looking back on the time when college kids 
used to see how many kids they could cram inside a Volkswagen and 
you remember those photos of dozens of kids squishing themselves 
into a phone booth to set some kind of record? No jokes for me, 
or y'know, no Superman jokes 'cause I'm not a comedian. You gotta 
get rid o' that! I'm not gonna say that.

DC: "But the point is-- they wanted a silly phone booth joke and 
I just can't do that-- the point is--"

[Heckler: "Why not?!"]

DC: "Seriously, the point is that young people have a tendency to 
take pride in squeezing themselves in great numbers into unlikely 
enclosures just for the sheer fun of it. Then I got to thinking; 
how funny is it to squeeze a family of six into a beat-up old car 
and tell them that this is going to be their home for the next 
few months. Or how humorous is it to find a group of people 
taking up residence in a carton that used to house a refrigerator. 

DC: "What's most amazing is that they are happening to good 
people whose lives have been turned upside down by some random 
act of fate. Lose my job? Not likely. Lose my house, my car, my 
possessions? That happens to other people; not me, not us. Well, 
guess what. Sometimes, other people turn out to be us, and the 
impossible becomes the grim reality. Could it happen to this 
lovely, wholesome, all-American family that we're about to meet? 
Not likely. But, it did.

Dean, voice over [footage of homeless family]:
"Not long ago, Elizabeth and Billy moved their family cross 
country, hoping for a better life. But that dream shattered the 
afternoon someone broke into their van and stole everything they 
had.
...
DC: "Today Elizabeth and Billy have found a temporary home for 
their family in a shelter. Little by little, they're putting 
their life back together. But like so many homeless parents, 
they can't hide their fear from their children.
...
DC: "In the United States today, families are the fastest growing 
segment of the homeless population, especially families with 
small children. Comic Relief: It's no joke. Call now."

[cut to a clip of Burns and Allen]