Suicide Manifest

Dear reader, if you are reading this, I am dead.

I apologise to ash, my mother razia, my father steven and my sister esme, this decision wasn’t easy but it felt like the right thing to do life has been non stop hard, from being raped at an early age with no one to tell, to 3 deaths. As of writing this and even en emotional abuser at my bakery workplace, this decision has been influenced by many people, Rihanna dudley who was adopted by now nick dudley and lives in nottingham who emotionally abused me for up to a year, taylor jai shale and freya hill of otley whom I grew up with at my high school; prince Henrys grammar school of otley. My post mortem wishes are as follows, please give ash waley-cohen 30% of my gross current funds which consists of my child trust fund, my current account with Halifax and any other money savings accounts in my name. I wish for my mother and father to each recieve 10% each and my sister 5% and the final 35% to go to suicide prevention in the name of my death and let my death be a scare for anyone planning to go through. For everyone, the reason I never told anyone about my mental health is because of the consequences of telling someone, you would get sent to some mental hospital where you are isolated from everybody and locked up and while this may be the best help anyone can offer there is a negative stigma associated with it which is why no one admits that they want to go through.

For my parents:

Mum and Dad, I am sorry for following through but the hate you displayed to me from when I was young is a trait you can never get rid of, I was dragged across the floor by you dad multiple times as a punishment, held tightly, hit and shoved me, its a scar you will never remove from me. Mum, I told you I was scared to death of fire and then you make me watch you try to set my clothes on fire. Later you would be emotionally abusive by guilt tripping and black mailing me and my sister, when I would try to call child services you would threaten and scare me and my sister so we didnt saying we wouldn't have a mother which while true wasn’t right, it made me and esme just more secretive. To my mum and dad jointly, while you both ended these traits by the time i turned 13, the damage was already done and you set me up on the road of a psychopath for life, you were both the reason I was and still am to the date of writing this, so paranoid, you built up mistrust, paranoia is a black hole, once you have it you just prove to yourself that the world is as bad as you make it out to be in your mind which increases paranoia.

For ash:

Ash I am sorry for following through it was a promise I made but I couldn’t keep it, you were part of the reason I followed through, I have been constantly worried about you transitioning to the other gender and never told you that all of my energy I have had has gone into prevention of that, the threat of it from you was specifically what provoked me to follow through with my final act and any other energy went into trying to stop you from harming yourself and following through yourself and I hope that my passing is a route to end your suffering and I feel you are better without me.

For the people at Mistal:

Thank you everyone you have been amazing, ben you have brought me far just from teaching me the kitchen and generally how a kitchen work and I know that behind all the stress was someone who just wanted me to do well and was there for me. Oli, you were great, although not always in you helped a lot in reliving stress when the kitchen was busy and just generally bringing good energy about mistal. Jasmine, you have no Idea how much that hug helped me, I was struggling that day and the night before you had no idea but I was crying my self to sleep with thoughts of comitting suicide and following through.

For the workers at bongate bakery:

Scott, I love you (not romantically) you were always there, you felt like one of the only men I could talk to about if I ever had something on my mind I’m just sorry i never spoke to you about this, it was a heavy subject and I didn’t want you to know. Andy, I have a sincere hate for you, believe it or not you’re one of the reasons I followed through, you never recognised me for anything good I did, all you did was tell me how you hated me and how I was always doing something wrong, I showed you the slits on my wrists and you didn’t even bat an eyelid or apologise for what you said to me.

To harry swithenbank:

You tried raping me and as much as my parents tried to get me to forgive you I never did and never will.


To end this note, here is an orignal poem by me which I wrote in year 7 while learning English with mr smith at prince henrys grammar school of otley;

Life:

Im here when you want me
Gone when you need me
Am I really here
Or am I an echo

My shadow casts a bold figure 
But when I look in the mirror, theres nothing there
I stand with my character strong
But never get noticed

A frament of me is here
The rest spread throughout space
I take others under my win
But they can’t see my wings

I have my ups…
I have my downs…
All people see is happiness
But inside I’m dying

I am ascending
My feet becoming unstuck
Goodbye world
It was a good life