8/7/07 – Finding Myself in my work

So things have not been going as well as I had initially planned. It comes a time when a relationship is no longer working out and one must know when to turn and walk away. The company I so desperately want to be a part of, is now a lost cause. They haven’t canned me yet but you can tell the honeymoon period was over. As Rana had pointed out, “It was like you [and that company] were in a bad marriage.” What made my walking away even harder was that they didn’t even notice that I was gone. My office was already assigned to their new part-time assistant. I felt foolish because I had needed them more than they needed me.

When times get too tough for me to handle alone, there were always people there to help me pick up the pieces. But this time, things were different. My husband is out of town getting into the swing of the fall semester, my siblings were out discovering the world of dating, and my best friend found someone else who could be more than a best friend. Work is stressing me out and ProHomes, a home warranty company, is utterly useless in getting the pipes sealed and the holes fixed in my new home which I have been in now for only four weeks. Their incompetence and laziness seemed to be the standard service package and their rudeness a bonus home warming gift. So to reiterate I am absolutely alone and frustrated and not quite sure what to do with all the thoughts in my head, which I had been avoiding all these years with numerous remodeling projects and excessive shopping.

Within my new found solitude and silence, I have discovered I had thoughts and anxieties I didn’t want to face alone. I needed people…no… I depended on people to distract me from them. I needed my husband to tell me things will always be ok, and I needed my friends to make me laugh when I am down. The time has come that I, now, must be forced to face and confront myself …alone. However, it had been so long since I dealt with these thoughts, I was not sure where to begin. I even googled online on how to make friends. A question then occurred to me. When was it the last time I didn’t mind being alone? And the answers I found, had revolved around the times when I was doing something I loved. I love music. I had played the violin and the piano through school into my college years. I love art. There was a time when I could not bare to go through a day without a sketch book and pencil in my hand. Sadly, I do not remember when the last time I drew or painted in the past year. I also love to be challenged with Sudoku,a number puzzle. I have also always wanted to learn how to ballroom dance like the people you see in the movies.

It is funny how I had so many interests throughout my life and how easily they were lost and forgotten among the muckiness of the everyday adult life and the “crap” we all go through to get by on this rock. I had lost myself and this dreadful silence helped me realize that. We get all caught up in our work, chasing the bills, purchasing bigger and better things, and taking care of others, that we forget and eventually loose ourselves. Instead of wallowing in self pity pondering on my lonely state I decided to do something about it. I unpacked a box from storage (still in the process of unpacking) and pulled out my old art supplies and painting easel. I was going to make good use of the talent God had so graciously bestowed upon me.

I referred to my first project as “The Switzerland Series”. This will be my interpretation of the country during my bike tour through Switzerland, early this year. Once getting into the artistic frame of mind, I find myself looking at my new hometown in a different light. I have noticed water towers situated all over the city. Before, I saw a bulging unattractive structure protruding in the middle of nowhere; but now with all my senses opened, I see a dignified and proud structure surrounded by a vast sea of lush green farm fields below swaying in the wind. The fortifying erection stands day and night throughout the year in solitude, towering, and overseeing the small, peaceful, and beautiful mid-western town. The once simplistic structure with only the task of retaining supplies of water now can be seen as the pride and emblem of this town. Of course with this revelation, I have already set my mind onto my next project after “The Switzerland Series”.

Yesterday, I went to my first group ballroom dance course…alone…and I had such a great time. By the end of the day, my face pained from the excessive smiling. Thus far, I feel I have been reintroduced and rediscovered myself through my works and my activities. From what I have learned so far, I am a pretty interesting individual.