Well, I need to find a way so I don't feel all my waking thoughts weigh on what he will do.  He has so won, and I don't care about winning.  I need to review everything, so I feel like I am making choices.  Quite honestly, everything I am thinking of doing, sits backs on what he will do next.  Tuesday, I was quite in control of what I was doing, Wed, it was all shot to hell.  I don't have the ability to turn it all off.  I need to find the ability to balance it all.  I swear, I feel at times I am back to day one.  I need to fast forward to Tuesday, how to get there.  I am really scared of him.  Not too literary there.  This is the man that battered me, and yes, it hasn't left me.  I am afraid for my kids.  He hasn't called them to see if they are okay, he doesn't give a rats ass about them.  It's all about me, and I get that.  But I let him.  So where to go.  I thought about appealing to him.  Then I think back to the phone message, I am coming to your house, that's what I am doing tonight, maybe I'll go Mc D's tonight.  I find myself weighing the predictament of feeling of a full hate on for him, apposed to have such pity for him.  I guess I am reaching for a balance between full on hate on, and pity.  My kids are my focus.  Putting myself out there, potentially in peril scares me.  The outcome could be fatal, I need to get them a guardian, because if he does do something to me, who would I ask first, (Cindy said yes), never my mother, I may need to ask Pete to do it...   he's a fing jerk.  I would never ask a friend, they come and go.  Aly knows that in three years, she's the appointed one.  Maybe I'll guess that she could emancipate, but would the courts approve her at this early age to take responsibility of Eric.  She would in a minute, she, in her bio already tried the I'm helping raise my brother.  Please, who would raise her first? 

I am getting to the plan, for Sunday, shut off the screaming, today we crafted, very nice.  Monday, start my weekly folder of offesives.  I know, I need to drive this thing forward, follow the rules in between, and sadly, it's time (the money will be there) to stop the offensive.  I will prepare my case, Aly never needs to go with him again, and he isn't pushing "court, court court"  to pay more child support, , he thinks I'm afraid of it.  I really am not, it's pity, because I'll bury him, am I afraid of burying him????  That;'s the quandry-I don't want to-layered with pounds of pity, God knows it's not love, it's pity.  Because of who I am I will not trade pity for hate.  Because this is all about me, I will pursue the protection of my children.  It's not that I promised them, I promised myself.  I am their mother.  Say it again, I am their mother...mother protector.  I am their mother.  My new mantra....I am their mother-who-is- always-praying for peace.