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In this Emmy, Grammy, Oscar winning section, I've collated the following from chain mails... 

from one of the best choreographed TV shows... Buffy has just (accidentally) slayed her way into the Crud Cave

THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES....

A CHRISTIAN: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT:You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to
sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once
a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count
them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. 

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You
take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

Template Resignation Letter...

(An actual letter sent by a fed up U.S employee)

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who
watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options.

You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been
copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.) Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,
Ted Brewer

The Difference Between Man and Woman

In-class Assignment for Wednesday "Today we will experiment with a new form called the 'tandem story.' The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

----------------------------------------------------------------

STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

----------------------------------------------------------

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

-----------------------------------------------------

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

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This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic,semi-literate adolescent.

----------------------------------------------------------

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no I'm such a air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."

----------------------------------------------------------

A*shole.

----------------------------------------------------------

B*tch.

Yes, here's Shiri Appleby from the struggling series Roswell

Bank Complaint

This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
    I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. 

    I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. 

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2001, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. 

    I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

    I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I ,like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. 

    My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.     

    Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and abilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

    As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing repayment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer.
8. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
#. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.

    The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration.

    This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie:" "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for." After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. 

    On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. 

    First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute; you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year? Your humble client, [ Name withheld ]

Excellent handling of a difficult situation!

An award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out. " The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said. "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too".

Potentially and Realistically 

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" 

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million 
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." 

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" 

The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." 

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" 

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!" 

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" 

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?" 

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" 

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag. 

The Prize...

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with bears. Hundreds of teddy bears all set up neatly around the room - small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she thinks it's kind of cute and decides not to mention this to him. She turns to him, they kiss and then immediately have their way with each other. 

After an intense amount of passion, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, so, how was it?"...........

The bloke says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf".

Germans Winning...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part  of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c"  will be dropped in favour of the "k".  This should klear up  konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This  will make words like"fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes  are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.  Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in  the language is disgraseful, and they should goaway.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

Barbie

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas'? The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe'. Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie comes with Ken'. 'No', said the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'

Priceless

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. A huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and groom’s families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and said he wanted to give everyone special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party; 

He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them for weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people’s reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, “F--- you!”. He turned to his bride and said, “F--- you!”, and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, “I’m out of here.”

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge:

1) Making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception.

2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.

3) And best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s in front of all of their friends and their entire families.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might see one of those MasterCard Priceless commercials out of this?

Elegant wedding for 300 family and guest: $32,000

Photographers for the wedding: $3,000

Deluxe Honeymoon accommodations in Maui for 2 weeks: $8,500

The look on everyone’s faces after seeing a photo of the Bride and Best Man having sex ......PRICELESS!

Thank Lord

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The river ran again.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Be strong honey, I love you too

 A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15  years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up  the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.

To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if  we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

Carlos

Carlos calls his boss in the morning: Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache my legs hurt I not come work.

The boss says: You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.

2 hours later Carlos calls: Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon... And by the way, you got nice house.....

No Ears

Steve, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new manager. The next day he had set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."  Steve did not appreciate his candor and threw him out.

 The second interview was with a woman and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well you have no ears". 

Steve got upset again and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart, he was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: Do you notice anything different about me?  And to his surprise, the young man answered:  "Yes, you wear contact lenses." Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" 

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"

Best Blonde Joke Ever... 

Don't be tempted to play the sound file until after you've read this... (CT)

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her a last question: 

"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One". The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

 The redhead is the next one, and the process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She immediately says "One". The interviewer says "ok, we'll let you know". 

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: 

"2, 4, 6 .... hmmm - wait... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please? After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two" The interviewer is stunned and asks her: 

"Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?".

Click Here

More Beer

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. 

So the professor picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.

 The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. 

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life.

The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house and give a dinner party.

 Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." 

But then... 

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a bottle of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

 The moral of this tale is:- no matter how full your life is, there is always room for MORE BEER!!!

Marriage Advice From Kids

(As answered by elementary school students)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.  Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.   (Alan, age 10)

No person really  decides before they grow up who they’re going  to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck  with.·         Kirsten, age 10)

 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know  the person FOREVER by then.    (Camille, age 10)

 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. (Freddie, age 6)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be  yelling at the same kids. (Derrick, age 8)

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids. (Lori, age 8)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. (Lynnette, age 8)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Martin, age 10)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. (Craig, age 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich. (Pam, age 7)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. (Curt, age 7)

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. (Howard, age 8)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. (Anita, age 9)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? (Kelvin, age 8)

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. (Ricky, age 10)

So you think you've had a good education?

I received this 1895 8th grade final exam from a buddy of mine in Kansas. Remember when our grandparents, great-grandparents, and such stated that they only had an 8th grade education?  Well, check this out.  Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?   Relate it to the state you were in.

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, KS. USA.  It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

 SALINA, KANSAS.  1895 "8th GRADE" FINAL EXAM:

Grammar (Time, one hour)

1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.

2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.

3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.

4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb?  Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.

5. Define Case; Illustrate each Case.

6. What is Punctuation?  Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.

7. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)

1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.

2. A wagon box is 2 feet deep, 10 feet long, and 3 feet wide.  How many bushels of wheat will it hold?

3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts./bushel,deducting 1,050 lbs. for tare?

4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000.  What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?

5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.

6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days, at 7 percent.

7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 feet long at $20 per meter?

8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace), at 10 percent.

9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?

10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)

1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.

2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.

3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.

4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.

5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.

6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.

7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn and Howe?

8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607  1620  1800  1849 1865

9.  

Orthography (Time, one hour)

1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication?

2. What are elementary sounds?  How classified?

3. What are the following and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?

4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.

5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'.  Name two exceptions under each rule.

6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling.  Illustrate each.

7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.

8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.

9. Use the following correctly in sentences: Cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.

10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)

1. What is climate?  Upon what does climate depend?

2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?

3. Of what use are rivers?  Of what use is the ocean?

4. Describe the mountains of North America.

5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.

6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.

7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.

8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?

9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.

10. Describe the movements of the earth.  Give inclination of the earth.

Gives the saying of an early 20th century person that "she/he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it!  Sorry, no answers.