Title: Knowing
Author: Eva
Disclaimer: I own nothing, this is just for fun.
Rating: R, for dark themes, depression, attempted suicide.
Category: Michael and Liz
Summary: Liz is depressed and the only person who realizes anything is wrong is Michael, can he save her before it�s too late?
Author�s Note: This is my extrapolation on Liz�s comment to Maria in �Behind the Music� about the sacrifices she�s made.
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Knowing
-oOo-
I don�t know myself anymore. I look into the mirror and apply a face because I can�t see mine anymore.
I forgave.
I forgot.
And somehow lost a piece of myself.
I�ve given up my dreams to be with Max Evans.
But I�ve lost more than my dreams. I�ve lost my parents. I�ve lost a future. I�ve lost sight of the things I used to stand for. I�ve lost my faith in happy endings. I�ve lost my self-respect.
When he asks me something, I answer. If he needs something, I give. And he only takes what he can away from me.
He took back the pendant. The only thing besides his love he had given me.
I�m starting to realize that I�ve signed on for heartbreak. That there can be no happiness in this.
I stare at the face in the mirror. I can�t see it. I don�t know whose eyes stare back at me. I color in my features. But I�ve been erased.
I�m faceless.
-oOo-
Something is wrong with Liz.
She never used to goop up her face. Her beauty was natural, simple. She required no major face fixing.
Lately, she puts on more and more goop.
Yesterday she had chopped off her hair by the ponytail. Max didn�t even notice. He barely looked at her as he dragged her off to God knows where.
Today it took me a while to realize what she had done. She�d shaved off her eyebrows.
I�m afraid that soon she�ll start cutting herself away.
Maria and I haven�t talked to each other much since the whole break up. I figure she can have all the space she wants. But I�m worried so I ask her to speak to Liz.
That�s when she tells me that she�s tried. But Liz just shuts down. Becomes a stonewall. She tells me she�s sick of dealing with stonewalls. And that if I�m so concerned why don�t I go talk to her.
So I do. And I catch her changing into her uniform.
You�d think that was the sexiest thing. And it was. But it was heartbreaking too.
Liz�s beautiful, smooth skin, was lined with angry red lines. And as soon as I saw them I knew they were self-inflicted. And I knew that talking to her wouldn�t be the answer.
I pretended I saw nothing and apologized. And she smiled at me and laughed it off. Said what�s a little nudity between friends.
That smile made me realize something. She never smiles when she is with Maxwell. She�s quiet and sad. She never argues a point anymore. Liz who was always so damn passionate about things she was exhausting. So I made a choice. I would help Liz.
Just needed to figure out how first.
-oOo-
Even Michael didn�t see me.
No one sees me. No one says anything to me.
Max thinks about Tess when we kiss. I�ve seen the image of them making love replayed over and over again in his mind�s eye. I don�t think he even notices he does it.
Some nights I wonder if it matters if I�m ready. Maybe if I just give myself to him it won�t matter, that he did it with Tess first. But I think I wouldn�t be able to handle his visions of her while we make love.
He�d want to heal me. But he can�t heal me where I hurt.
I push the razor I�m holding against my skin in deeper, watch as the blood begins to pool around the gash. I enjoy watching the red seep through the lines of my skin. I slid it across slowly. I relish the feeling of my skin tearing. Breaking apart.
It�s only then that I remember I can feel.
-oOo-
I asked Kyle what I should tell a friend who was depressed. He thought I was talking about myself.
But he was the only person I knew who would listen. Who�d laugh and still take me seriously.
Basically what Kyle had to say on the subject was that I have to tell her I will listen. That I see her troubles and that I want to hear them.
Which if you ask me sounds stupid. But I�m worried about her. And I can�t believe no one else sees it. So it�s up to me to tell her that I do.
When I get to her place it�s past midnight. Her bedroom window is open and I slide through it into her room. It�s eerily silent and I see no sign of her anywhere.
I thought for a second that maybe she had gone somewhere with Maxwell, but I would have remembered that. Her bathroom door was opened slightly a faint light and a whisper of sound spilled from it, and out of curiosity I checked it out.
Liz was lying on her side on the cold blue tiles. Her breathing shallow and awareness to her surroundings negligible. I don�t think she knew I was there until later. Blood was seeping through two jagged cuts on her wrists. I didn�t even stop to think I reacted.
Grabbing hold of her arms I pull her into my embrace. Roughly I shift her until I am sure she sees me. I heal first the bleeding wounds on her wrists and then the gashes that crisscross her abdomen.
By the time I�m done we�re both gasping for breath. She asks me why.
And I tell her because I saw it. And that I knew I had to stop it.
And she says that she should have known.
I let that go.
I hold her in my arms.
We�re sitting on the cold hard tiles of the bathroom floor. We stay like that for hours. And then her arms go round my neck, and she lifts her face to mine. I brush my fingers over her features, Erasing the paint she�s used to make a face. Growing back her eyebrows. Feeling the smoothness of her skin beneath the roughness of my fingertips. When I�m done I tangle my hands in her hair, and make it long once more, threading it through my fingers I crush her lips to mine.
And we kiss.
-oOo-
Someone does see me. Someone does care. Someone does want me. Someone does know me.
Who would of thought it was Michael?
He saved my life. He�s changed my life. He�s given me myself.
I think I have enough strength now.
I know I�ll have enough strength as long as he sees me. As long as he�s with me. As long at he knows me.
**End**