Title: The Conversation
Author: Sylvia P.
Category: M/L
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don�t own them, but if Jason Behr would like to make me his Love slave for a while, I�ll consider it.
Summary: Set after �Departure�. Max and Liz have a discussion about the events that transpired.
Author's Notes: I just could not get this out of my head, so I decided to write it down.
�Where is she, Maria?� Max walked into the Crashdown, a determined look on his handsome face. Not seeing Liz, he immediately homed in on her best friend.
�Honestly, Max, I don�t know,� Maria said, shaking her head. She was sitting at the counter drinking a soda while she waited for Michael to get done with his shift.
Max ran his finger lightly over the edge of the counter as he asked hesitantly, �Is she avoiding me? I haven�t talked to her since yesterday and she isn�t returning my calls.�
Maria sighed and turned fully around to look at him. �Look, Max. She just found out, literally hours ago, that you slept with and impregnated the girl who killed one of her best friends. I think she has a right to be a little freaked out right now. We all do. If she needs some alone time to get it all worked out, then give it to her.�
Max ran his hand nervously through his hair. � I need to talk to her. Explain��
Maria tilted her head to the side, and looked directly into his dark eyes. �I don�t think what you need is important right now.� She didn�t want to hurt his feelings, but she felt like he needed a dose of reality.
Max looked down at his feet for a moment before saying, �Maria, I know you�re all angry with me, and you have a right to be. I screwed up big time.� He looked up again. �But if it�s taught me anything, it�s that I need Liz. I�m no good without her. She keeps my head on straight.� Leaning forward, he looked appealing into her sympathetic gaze. �Please, Maria. I lost her once because we didn�t have enough faith in each other. Please don�t let it happen again.�
She sighed again in resignation. �Max, Max, I understand, really I do, but I told you. I don�t know�oh, boy,� Maria looked behind him as the front door opened.
Max jerked around and saw Liz coming through the glass doors. He walked up and shoving his hands in his pockets said, �Liz, please. Can I talk to you?�
Liz had been hoping for a little more time before having to face Max again after the events from the day before, but she should have known that he would come looking for her when she didn�t answer her phone. �Umm sure, Max. Come up to my room.� She looked at Maria in panic as she passed by, and Maria just grimaced in sympathy.
They entered her room, and Liz walked to the bed and sat down. �What did you want to talk about?�
Now that he was facing her, Max didn�t know where to start. �Umm, I haven�t seen you since yesterday. I wanted to see if you were alright,� he said awkwardly.
�Oh, well I guess I�m in shock, you know? Everything happened so fast. I don�t think I�ve had time to process it all.� Liz looked down at her hands, her dark hair hiding her expression.
Max plunged in with both feet. �Were you avoiding me?�
Liz kept her gaze in her lap. �Avoiding you?�
�You didn�t return any of my phone calls. I tried all last night and this morning.�
�Oh, umm��
Max walked over and grabbed the desk chair. He faced it toward her and sat down leaning forward. �Liz, we need to talk about what�s happened. I need to know what you�re feeling.�
She glanced up at his handsome face and said bluntly, �I don�t think I�m ready to have this conversation yet, Max.�
Max looked down at his own lap and said quietly, �Please Liz, don�t shut me out. I know you must be angry��
�I�m not angry, Max,� Liz shook her head as she cut him off.
He looked at her in disbelief. �You don�t have to say that. I know I deserve it. I messed up so badly that I don�t know if it can ever be fixed, but I need to know if you�ll be able to forgive me.�
�Max�� she began hesitantly, not really sure how to continue.
�Please Liz. Please tell me what�s going on.� Max knew he had to get her to open up to him. Maybe she needed more time to adjust, but he felt like they had wasted so much time already, the last months looming over their lives like a thundercloud.
Liz sighed, got up from the bed and went to face the window. Never one to avoid a confrontation, she nevertheless, wasn�t looking forward to this discussion. She turned back to see him staring at her expectantly. �OK. You�re right. I wasn�t answering your calls, but it wasn�t because I�m angry. Well, I am angry, but not at you. I�m angry with Tess. I just needed to think. About everything.� She sighed before continuing, � I was so busy, you know, trying to prove what happened to Alex, that I haven�t had time to think about anything else, and now that all of these other things have happened, I�just needed time.�
Max�s sexy mouth quirked up in the corner as he looked at her inquiringly. �I understand. So, what did you think about?�
Liz faced away from him again as she answered honestly. �I thought about Alex, and how much I�m going to miss him. I thought about how strange it�s going to be next year without him, especially at graduation.� She turned back to Max with a slight smile as she said, �We always had this big thing planned. Me and him and Maria. We were going to drive to Santa Fe and�� the smile faded as her solemn dark eyes looked into his own. �Well anyway, it�s going to be different now.� She stopped for a moment, and then continued. �I thought about Kyle, and how he must be feeling right now.� Liz�s expression grew angry. �She used him. I mean, she used all of us, but, God, she used Kyle to help her get rid of the body.� As she continued to express her outrage, her voice rose, � That�s just so�. I can�t even think of a word. If you had seen his face when he realized�� Liz shook her head in disbelief and pity, her eyes shining with tears. Poor Kyle. She needed to go see him. He must feel so alone right now. At least she had Maria, but he couldn�t talk about this with anyone.
�Liz, I�m so sorry.� Max�s guilty expression and remorseful voice caused her heart to ache, but she just turned back to the window as she answered quietly, �Yeah, me too.�
He swallowed painfully, and asked hesitantly, �Did you think about us?�
�Actually, I spent most of the time thinking about us, and I realized something.� Liz turned back to face him once again, the expression on her face one that Max had seen many times before when she was expressing her views on a subject that she had spent time analyzing.
�In all the time that we�ve had this thing between us�. Since you healed me, we haven�t really been happy.� Max�s brow furrowed at this, but she continued as if she didn�t notice. �I mean, at first, you didn�t want us to be together because it was too dangerous.� She raised a finger and ticked it off with the other one as she counted. �Then, when we finally did get together, after we first kissed, it lasted what� a day?� She looked at him inquiringly, and ticked the next finger. �Then Michael got sick, and you decided you needed to take a step back.� Max�s expression grew guiltier as she went on. �We wasted months after that, until finally, the Orb brought us together again.� Liz smiled slightly as she thought about how the Orb had awakened the passion they had kept hidden for so long. But then it faded as she finished. �Then Tess showed up; it all went to hell from there.�
Max didn�t even know how to respond to this. As he watched, Liz closed her eyes resignedly and then turned back to the window where dusk was approaching. Raising it, she stepped outside on the balcony. �Liz�� Max got up and followed her.
She continued on as if she hadn�t heard him, lighting candles as she spoke. �Don�t get me wrong, Max. I�m not blaming you for all that. I mean, I�m the one that walked away after you got the message from your mother, and I was the one who used Kyle to push you toward Tess.� Liz looked at him sadly. �That�s another long story that we need to talk about, but not right now.� She took a deep breath and went on, �Let�s just say that I thought I was making the right decision at the time, but now I see how horrible it was for you. I mean, I knew that it hurt you, but I didn�t know how much until you told me that you and Tess spent the night together. It�s like having your heart ripped out of your chest, isn�t it,� Liz�s voice cracked as the tears that she had been suppressing sprang to the surface.
Max wanted to run and hide from the desolation on her face. That he had put that expression there was almost more than he could bear. His own voice thick with emotion, he pleaded, �Liz, please let me explain��
�There�s nothing to explain, Max,� Liz wiped the moisture from her eyes as she cut him off again. �I understand why you turned to her. You thought that I had been with Kyle. She was helping you remember the past, and you remembered your feelings for her, although now I would question anything that she did. I mean, how do you know that what you remembered was real,� Liz looked up at him questioningly for a moment, and then made a dismissive gesture. �Anyway, we were all divided over what happened to Alex, and she was there for you.� She turned away, and Max almost didn�t hear her finish, �and now she�s having your baby.�
Liz turned to him once more, but Max could barely look her in the eye. �You know, Max, I used think about us together that way. I would think about what our first time would be like,� she smiled through her tears. �How it might be a little awkward, and clumsy because we were both inexperienced, but so wonderful because it was the two of us and perfect just because of that.� As Max finally managed to raise his eyes to look at her, he wished he hadn�t. The sadness in her expression made his chest ache. � Now, it would just be me who�s awkward and clumsy,� she whispered.
Max felt sick as he watched her walk away. He had known this was going to be a difficult conversation, but until he heard the painful words coming out of her mouth, the reality of his actions had not hit home. How was he ever going to make up for the things he had done to hurt this caring person who meant everything to him. And how had they managed to get so far away from the boy and girl who fell in love that day in the Crashdown so long ago. Determined to make things right, Max began to speak.
�Liz, I know I�ve hurt you. I wish I could go back and change what�s happened, but I can�t. When I think about everything, that she did, I want to�� Max stopped for a moment and took a deep breath before admitting, �I almost killed Tess in the pod chamber.� Liz looked at him in surprise as he continued. �The only reason I didn�t was because of the baby.� Liz�s expression changed at the mention of their child, and he rushed on, �She planned it all, Liz. She said she didn�t mean to kill Alex, but the rest of it was planned right down to getting pregnant.� Max looked at her painfully for a moment before turning toward the stone wall that faced the UFO Center. As he leaned his hands on the edge, he continued.
�I was so stupid. I let her use me and manipulate me instead of following my heart and believing in you. I realize that now. I should never have believed that you slept with Kyle. I knew you were hiding something, but you kept telling me it was true, and I�.� He paused to look up at her in desolation for a moment before continuing, �I guess I just gave up.�
Liz looked at his down bent head sorrowfully, realizing that she had a few things to apologize for herself, but she kept silent for now, choosing to let him continue exercising his demons.
�Why couldn�t I sense what she was doing to Alex,� Max brought his hand down hard on the wall with a smack, and Liz winced in reaction. Max didn�t seem to notice the pain as he went on, �I should have known something was wrong. I was married to her, for God�s sake. What good is it to have these powers if they don�t protect you from things like this,� he shook his head, and turned to face her.
�When she started helping me remember, I was just so excited about it, I let it blind me to everything else. I think you�re right about what you said. I don�t know if anything is true anymore. Most of what she showed me was about me and her, so how do I know it wasn�t just her trying to make me do what she wanted.�
Max walked away from her, making a slow circle around the lawn chairs before coming to a stop almost directly in front of her again. He looked down into her serious, dark eyes, and the expression on his face was profoundly apologetic. �When you told us your theory about Alex at the funeral, I just didn�t want to believe that it was our fault. I know that you didn�t really blame us, but I couldn�t face the fact that our being here caused his death. So I took it out on you. I can�t tell you how sorry I am for that.�
Liz nodded her head, and he continued on, his voice becoming more agitated as he tried to explain the things he had realized about his weird behavior over the last few weeks.
�There�s no excuse for the way I treated you, except to say that I realize now that Tess was somehow manipulating my thoughts. When I think about it, it�s like a dream that I was having. I was watching myself do things, but it wasn�t really me. But, at the same time, it was. I know that doesn�t make any sense,� he said shaking his head in exasperation. �The bottom line is that I think she was taking whatever feelings I had, and magnifying them out of proportion, so all of my reactions were over the top. The way I treated you about Alex, Isabel about college, and then that night you left to go to Sweden.�
He had been pacing as he spoke, but now he came to a stop. Turning to face her once more, he took a ragged breath and his luminous eyes pleaded with her to understand. �I was so confused and angry and alone, and she showed up and told me that she would always be there. I could feel the feelings that I used to�� he paused painfully, � or thought I used to have for her, and I just didn�t want to think anymore.� Lowering his gaze, he said quietly, �It�s no excuse for what I did, though.� He looked up again to find her looking at him solemnly. �When I look back on it, it�s like the rational part of my brain was asleep or something.�
Unable to face her or himself, Max walked over and sat heavily on one of the lawn chairs. Looking down at his hands, he said, �What kind of leader does that make me? How can I be in charge of a whole race of people, if I can�t even control my own life? It�s no wonder our planet was taken over by our enemies.�
Liz�s heart twisted painfully in her chest at the despair in his voice. She walked slowly over and knelt in front of him. �Max, don�t say that. You�re 18 years old. You were raised a normal, human boy. Tess was raised by Nasado. You said she had this planned, didn�t you?�
�She told me he made a deal with Khivar 40 years ago,� he answered her without looking up.
�You see? He probably taught her from the beginning how to manipulate people. She�s had years to practice.� Liz put her finger under Max�s chin to make him look at her. �You can�t blame yourself for being taken in by her,� she said, the sincerity in her face trying to convince him. Her expression turned fierce as she continued, �And how can you blame yourself for what happened to your planet? You have no idea what circumstances lead up to Khivar taking over. It may have had nothing to do with what kind of leader you were.� She brought her hand up and caressed his cheek briefly as she said, �Just be grateful that we found out about her before she got you back there.�
Max looked at her in amazement. Even after everything, she still tried to comfort him and keep him from taking the blame for things he couldn�t control. He didn�t deserve her. Liz caught her breath as he looked at her with those unbelievably soft, brown eyes. It was the look he used to reserve just for her. The one that said she was the only person in the world at that moment. �Only because you wouldn�t give up,� he said softly. �The only reason we�re safe is because of you. We would have walked right into her and Khivar�s trap.�
Max stood, and taking her hands, brought her up with him. He let go, and as Liz sat down on the chair he had vacated, wandered over to the telescope and absentmindedly ran his fingers over the top of it as he gazed out over the wall. �She still has my son,� he said suddenly, picking up where he had left off. �I don�t even know how to feel about that.� He turned around to look at her as he spoke, his distress evident. �I didn�t want to be a father, but I can�t just forget about him. I feel so conflicted about the whole thing. On the one hand, I�m grateful that she�s gone and she can�t hurt us anymore. But on the other hand, she�s having my child, and we know what kind of person she is, not to mention that fact that she�s in league with our enemies.�
Max�s voice shook with suppressed tears as he suddenly slid down the wall and sat on the ground with his head resting on his upraised knees. �What are they going to do to him? Are they going to corrupt him and make him believe that I didn�t want to be with him and that we are the enemy?� Max paused for minute to swallow the lump in his throat. �In a way, he would be right, wouldn�t he? I didn�t really want him. I wouldn�t have chosen to have any child with Tess under normal circumstances. What kind of person does that make me?� He looked up to see Liz still sitting on the lawn chair, her dark head bent so that he couldn�t see her expression.
Max got up and, wiping his face with the back of his hand, apologized, �I�m sorry, Liz. I�m being selfish. You probably don�t want to listen to me talk about this, and I don�t blame you. It�s my mistake, and I have to deal with it.� He turned back to look out at the dark sky, seeing the stars but not really noticing them.
He heard her sigh and the lawn chair creaked as she rose. A moment later Liz�s hand came into view on the wall as she leaned beside him to stare out at the night. �I admit that I�m jealous of Tess,� she began. � I have to be honest. I hate that she knows you in ways that I don�t, and I�m resentful that she�s having your child.� Max turned his regretful gaze on her, and she looked down as she traced a pattern in a crack on the wall. �I used to dream about that for us,� she said sadly, glancing up at him through her lashes. � I knew it might be impossible because of our differences, but it didn�t stop me from wishing that we could be together and have a family.� Max nodded, silently acknowledging that he had also dared to wish for the same thing. �But it doesn�t mean that you can�t talk about it, or that you have to hide your feelings. Hiding our feelings is what got us into this. I just have to find a way to deal with it and move on,� Liz said resolutely, looking up into his suddenly hopeful eyes.
�Does that mean that you forgive me,� Max said anxiously.
�It�s not a question of forgiveness, Max. I think you have to learn to forgive yourself,� she told him earnestly. �For me, it�s about acceptance. Acceptance that you have a child with someone else and a duty to protect that child.� Liz looked down at the wall as she paused, then looked back up at him with resignation, �Acceptance that one day, you are probably going to have to leave and find a way to go home and save him.� She went on warningly, �It�s going to take a while. As much as I want to, I can�t just jump back into this relationship as though nothing has happened.�
Max answered her eagerly, � I don�t expect that. If you want to wait, we�ll wait. If you tell me you don�t want to see me for a while, I�ll respect that. Just don�t say that it�s over, Liz. I know I have a lot to make up for, but I swear I�ll do anything to have you in my life.�
Max leaned down to look sincerely into her beautiful dark eyes. �I do have a responsibility to the child I created, but you are just as important. If I�ve learned anything from this experience, it is just how much I need you. Before the shooting that day in the Crashdown, I was just existing, afraid to be human, afraid to be alien, afraid in general. Afterward, I couldn�t believe that you would be my friend, much less feel the same way about me as I felt about you. I�ll always be grateful for that no matter what you decide.� Liz smiled as he continued. �I want to be with you more than anything, but I know that may be too much to ask. I wish I could lie and say that I�ll never leave but I don�t know what�s going to happen, so if you decide that you can�t live with the uncertainty�I�ll�� he swallowed painfully, �I�ll accept that. I�m willing to take whatever you�ll give me as long as you at least let me be part of your life.�
�I�ll always want you in my life, Max. I can�t imagine it without you. I think we should just take it slow, and see what happens,� Liz finished hesitantly. She still had to tell him about Future Max. How was he going to react when she told him about why she deceived him? And now that Tess was gone, what were they going to do about the events that were supposed to have transpired? Obviously, things had changed, but would they be able to defeat their enemies without her? Oh, God, this had gotten even more complicated, if that was even possible.
�Thank you,� Max�s soft words brought her out of her reverie. She looked up to find him gazing at her so lovingly that it momentarily took her breath away.
�For what,� Liz said bemusedly.
�For everything,� Max answered softly. �For being you. For saving my life, and for giving me another chance, even though I don�t deserve it.� He stopped for a moment before reaching down to take her hand in his. The feel of his warm skin suddenly made Liz�s throat ache with tears as she realized how long it had been since they had touched like this.
�Liz, there�s one more thing I have to say,� he said looking down at her gravely. � What you said about me and Tess and our first time. I would give anything to go back and undo that night, but I just want you to know that it didn�t compare with what you and I had. What Tess and I did was just sex. It didn�t have anything to do with love. If�� he stopped, then plunged ahead bravely. �When�you and I are finally together, it will be all about making love.� The look on his face sent a little sizzle of electricity straight through her and she lowered her gaze to keep him from seeing how his words effected her. �I know that doesn�t make up for it, but I don�t ever want you to think that I would rather be with her because of that.�
Schooling her expression, Liz raised her eyes and nodded slightly, �Thank you for saying that.�
�I�m not just saying it,� he said, giving her the look that she had always thought of as the �Max� look. A combination of sincerity and boyishness that never failed to move her. �It�s the truth,� he continued. Hesitating briefly, he leaned down and gently put his lips on hers. It was a sweet, undemanding kiss, yet it spoke volumes about what was in his heart. Hope passion, and above all, love. Raising his head, he smiled down at her, then turning, he pulled her toward the window. �We�d better get back downstairs before Maria comes looking for us.�
Liz moved forward happily, then stopped suddenly her heart plummeting, as she remembered what she still hadn�t told him. Max turned back, and looked at her inquiringly. �Max, we still have some things to talk about,� she said hesitantly. �I need to explain what happened with Kyle. There are some things you need to know� well actually, everybody needs to know them.�
Max looked at her quizzically, �Why does everyone need to know?�
�Oh�.umm�. I just need to explain some things.� Liz knew she was being vague, but she didn�t want to burst the bubble of happiness just yet. �Let�s just try to get everyone together tonight, OK? We can meet at the Crashdown and I�ll explain�
Max looked as though he wanted to argue, then said, �OK, we�ll go down and talk to Maria and Michael right now. We can call Isabel and Kyle later.�
Liz nodded, and waited while Max climbed through the window. He turned back and helped her through holding onto her hand tightly. He didn�t let go as they moved to the door and Liz felt a little lightening of her heart at his reassurance. Maybe everything was going to be OK after all. If their love had survived all of this time, through all the misconceptions and lies, it could survive the coming trials. After all, they were going to be together. Although she knew they still had things to work through, Liz felt hopeful for the first time in almost a year. She followed Max out the door.
Part 2
"You mean you haven�t told him yet," Maria and Liz were sitting in their usual booth at the Crash Down sharing a plate of Space Fries, but she looked up in surprise at Liz�s admission.
"Only that I didn�t sleep with Kyle," Liz answered, toying with her fries but not eating them. "We were talking about Tess and the baby� and I..I just didn�t want to bring it up right then." She stopped when she saw Maria�s look of disbelief and then went on defensively. "We had a lot to discuss. I told him that I needed to explain what happened to everyone, you know, since it involved their deaths and their enemies."
"But Liz, think of how he�s going to feel when he hears about how it was him who started the whole mess." Maria shook her head. "You really need to tell him in private before you tell everybody." She looked at her best friend who just sat there fingering her fries and not looking her in the eye. "OK, out with it," she said with determination. "What�s the real reason you don�t want to tell him alone?"
Liz sighed resignedly and said, "I�m afraid, Maria." She finally lifted her gaze and Maria saw that her dark eyes were filled with worry. "What if he hates me because I didn�t come to him with such important information." Her eyes grew luminous with tears as she went on, "And look what not telling him caused. Alex was alive in the other reality. Max didn�t have a killer wife running around and child in danger." The tears fell and she looked down at the table as she watched one on them splash on her plate. "I caused all of that, Maria. He feels so guilty about everything that�s happened and I couldn�t even admit to him that I caused it. I just let him think it was all his fault," she finished brokenly.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up," Maria said forcefully. She bent her head and made Liz look at her. "You did not cause Alex�s death. That bitch from another planet did that all on her own." Maria waved her hand in the air. "And as for their child, Max was the one who couldn�t keep his hands off the little slut." At Liz�s look of despair, Maria suddenly realized what she had said. " Oh, look, I�m sorry. Really, I am."
"It�s OK," Liz said with a half hearted attempt at a smile. " That�s kind of what we were talking about upstairs."
Maria continued little more quietly. "Anyway, I still think you need to talk to him first. I agree that everyone needs to know about the end of the world thing, but Max does not need to be hit with all of that in front of the group. I mean, I may be mad at him, but I still love him." She smiled and said sincerely, "He won�t hate you."
"You�re right, you�re right," Liz wiped the tears from her cheeks with a napkin as she shook her head. "I don�t know what I was thinking. But what am I going to do," she said suddenly looking up at Maria in panic. "I told him to ask everyone to come here tonight so I could speak to them. Kyle�s on his way over."
At that moment, Max walked up to the table and slid in beside Liz. He took one of her fries and she automatically handed him the hot sauce. Smiling at her in thanks, he shook some out on her plate. As he doused the fry in the sauce, he looked at Liz and Maria and informed them, "Isabel�s not going to be able to make it for a while. She�s helping Mom with some recipe." He grimaced in fear of what the two of them could do to decent food, but he wasn�t really upset. Isabel had been so happy that they didn�t have to leave their parents that she wouldn�t let their mother out of her sight all day. He was surprised she agreed to come to the Crash Down even for a little while. "She said give her an hour or so."
Maria kicked Liz under the table and she jumped in surprise causing Max to look at her in question. Frowning at Maria she said, "Um, Max, I need to talk to you. Can we go somewhere?"
He looked at her quizzically for a moment then said, "Yeah, sure. Um, why don�t we go to my house? I have to pick up Isabel anyway because I have her car." Wiping his hands on a napkin, he stood up.
"OK. Bye Maria," Liz said turning her head away from Max to look at her in resignation. "Tell Michael and Kyle we�ll be back in about an hour to talk."
"You got it, babe," Maria paused after Max said goodbye, waiting for him to turn away before mouthing " Good luck" to Liz. Liz wrinkled her nose and mouthed "Thanks" back. She followed Max out the door.
~
Max and Liz exchanged pleasantries with his mom and Isabel when they arrived at the house before heading upstairs to his room. Liz was still smiling from the comments that Max had made to them regarding their culinary expertise causing Isabel to fling a sauce-covered torpedo at his chest. He�d caught it easily, but it was all over him and he excused himself to go clean up in the bathroom and change his shirt.
Liz wandered around his room looking at his things her smile fading. Oh God. How do I do this, she thought. He poured his heart out this afternoon about how horrible he felt and I just let him go on without saying a word about what I did to cause it.
She was staring blindly at his CD collection when Max entered the room and shut the door. He crossed to the bed and sat down, inviting her to do the same. "So, Liz. Is this about what you were going to tell the group tonight?" he asked calmly after she refused the seat. In reality, his stomach was churning at what she might tell him. He had waited so long to hear the truth.
"Yeah. Maria sort of convinced me that I needed to tell you first because�.well just because." Liz paused and then turned to stare at him in resolutely. "She was right." Looking down to hide her expression she said, "I was just afraid."
"Afraid," Max said, his stomach dropping. "Of me?"
"No," Liz said quickly. " No, I couldn�t ever be afraid of you, Max." She stopped and looked at him in apprehension. "I was afraid that when I tell you what happened, you�ll�.you�ll hate me."
"What!" Max stood up and walked to where she was standing by the window. Gently laying his hands on her arms, he looked down into her anxious gaze willing her to believe him. "Liz, nothing you could ever do could make me hate you. Even when I thought you had been with Kyle, I still loved you. I couldn�t help myself. I was angry for a while, but then I realized that I had to have you in my life, even if it was only as a friend. I couldn�t go back to the way it was before you got shot." Liz was mesmerized by his amber gaze. For the thousandth time, she wondered how such a beautiful person could look at her this way.
"I feel that way too, Max," she said softly. "I just want you to know that I didn�t want to do it. I didn�t want to make you believe I slept with Kyle. I just didn�t feel like I had a choice."
"What do you mean?"
Liz could here the frustration in his voice and it caused her own frustration with the situation to surface. "This is so hard," she said pulling away from him to pace around the room. "I�ve wanted to tell you so many times, and now that you�re here, I don�t know where to start." She turned to him with wide apologetic eyes. "When we were talking in my room, you were feeling so guilty about everything that�s happened when the truth is�. it�s really my fault. Indirectly, anyway."
"Your fault. How can it be your fault?" The feeling of apprehension returned. Her trepidation with telling him the whole story was clear and it was making him nervous. She had gone to the other side of the room and was rocking back and forth from one foot to the other. What could be so terrible?
"Do you remember the night you came and sang to me with the Maruichi band?"
Max was thrown for a loop by the question. Of course he remembered that night. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of his life, but he had been desperate. He could still see her smiling face as he declared his devotion for the whole neighborhood to hear. Sheepishly he dropped his head, and nodded.
"Well, that night�.I had a visitor before you got there, and he was with me on the balcony while you were singing." Liz�s stomach was flip-flopping so much she thought she was going to be sick.
"A visitor?" Oh God, someone had been on her balcony while he was singing. He wanted to crawl in a hole.
Liz took a deep breath "He, um, used the Granolith to come back in time from the year 2014. I know it sounds crazy but it�s the truth," she said in a rush before her fear could get the better of her.
Max�s head flew up from where he had been contemplating a spot on his carpet as he looked at her in shock. He crossed the room and grabbed her arms. "God, Liz! Was it a Skin? Did he try to hurt you or threaten you?"
"No! No Max. He didn�t do anything like that," Liz said shaking her head as she looked up at him. "You see, well�. um�� it was you."
"Me," Max said uncomprehendingly letting go of her arms and stepping back.
"It was you from the future," she said unconsciously rubbing her arms where he had touched her. "You had long hair, and you wore these really cool leather clothes." Oh God, Liz thought. I�m babbling like Maria. "I didn�t believe it at first but then you convinced me."
Max couldn�t believe what he was hearing. "How did I convince you? Are you sure it wasn�t a shape shifter?"
Liz was shaking her head again. "It was you, Max. He arrived just before you came, and he told me exactly what was about to happen right when it actually happened. And besides, when I finally calmed down, I could just tell it was you. I mean, it wasn�t you like you are now, but it was YOU," she said pointing at his chest.
Max walked as if in a daze back over to the bed and sat heavily.
Liz finally sat at his computer desk turning to face him. "Anyway, you told me that we had to change the future. That things between us were about to change." She hesitated, but decided not to say what had happened between them the night of the Gomez concert. This was hard enough without bringing sex into the picture. "We became inseparable and eventually got married. We eloped when we were 19 to Vegas." Liz smiled slightly looking at him through her lashes. " To the Elvis Chapel."
Max was once again thrown into shock. He wasn�t sure how much more his system could take. "My vision. It was real," he said in dawning comprehension. His eyes burned into hers as he remembered the feelings of happiness radiating from the two of them. It was real!
"Yeah." Her expression became serious as she looked at him regretfully. " I wanted to tell you so badly that night, Max. I almost did, and then�. well, I just couldn�t. I thought the future of the world was at stake."
"What do you mean?" Max said hoarsely and he swallowed, afraid of what she was going to say but needing her to tell him before he exploded from the tension.
Liz got up from the chair, once again unable to keep still from the adrenaline rushing through her system. She paced in front of the window as she continued. "You�.the future you, told me that because you and I got together, things with Tess got bad. She left Roswell." She turned to face Max, and seeing his anxiety, her voice broke as she said, "Oh, God Max, I don�t even know how to say this. Your enemies came to earth and you discovered that the four of you were a complete unit with each of you having special gifts. Without Tess, you weren�t strong enough to defeat them and�.and�.they killed everyone." Watching the devastation of her words transform his features, she could only finish in a whisper, "When you got here, Michael had just died, and Isabel had been gone for two weeks."
Max was silent so long she thought he had gone into a trance. His face was deathly pale and his eyes were black with desolation. Suddenly he said, "Were you dead too?" It was the only thing his sluggish brain could come up with.
Liz�s brow wrinkled at his question. "I don�t know," she said quizzically. " You said that you couldn�t tell me too much information. You just said that we needed to change things so that it wouldn�t happen." She hesitated a moment and then said gently, "You said that I needed to find a way to help you fall out of love with me so Tess wouldn�t leave."
"Oh, my God." Max was sure that he was going to die. His chest hurt, his head hurt, and his eyes were burning. Is this what a heart attack feels like, he thought distractedly. He came back to reality as he realized that Liz was still talking to him.
"You were so stubborn, Max. You wouldn�t let me go, even after those horrible things I said to you in your room." Liz looked at his desolate figure as she said urgently, " I swear, Max. I didn�t mean any of them. It was so hard to stand there, facing you and say that I didn�t want to die for you. When I got back home, we thought it had worked for a minute, but when we realized it hadn�t, you told me I had to come up with something else. So," she swallowed painfully, "�.I asked Kyle to help me. I didn�t tell him why, I just told him what I wanted and he said OK. When you saw us, we were just lying there talking. We had clothes on.," she said despondently, sure he was going to tell her to get out any minute. He wouldn�t look at her and she had never seen him so distressed.
"After you left, we� the future you and me� were sitting on my balcony talking, and�.he just disappeared." Liz left out the dancing. She didn�t want him to think she had been happy after what she had done, and besides, it was a private memory between her and her would-have-been husband. Max was not that man, nor would he become him in the future.
"I don�t understand. Why didn�t he come to me and just tell me all of this?" Max�s brain was finally beginning to clear as he struggled to get his churning feelings in some sort of order. He had actually put two sentences together.
"He said that it had something to do with Quantum mechanics, but that the two of you couldn�t be in the space together or you would both be destroyed." Liz was staring at him desperately, but he still would not return her gaze. "I wanted to tell you, Max. I wanted to so much. He just seemed so sure that this was the way it had to be done, and I couldn�t risk doing anything that would destroy the world or cause Michael and Isabel to die. Please, please say you understand why I did it. I know you must be angry with me�"
"I�m not sure how I feel," Max said interrupting her. It was true. His emotions were in a jumble and he couldn�t latch on to any one of them.
Liz was devastated by his comment. That�s it, she thought. It�s over. It�s over before it even had a chance to begin. She turned to face the window, and said resignedly, "I thought that it was the right thing at the time, but now, look at what happened. Alex is dead. He wasn�t in the other reality. The future you said that he, Maria, Michael and Isabel met us in a bar outside of Phoenix after our wedding. You said we danced all night." She leaned her forehead against the glass where she could see the reflection of the tears in her eyes.
Max finally looked up to see Liz�s dejected figure standing by the window. Her words penetrated the last of the fog and he realized that she thought he was blaming her. "Liz�.."
"Oh God, I did this," she said turning to slide down the wall, her guilt over everything she had endured and done over the last few weeks finally catching up with her. "I let you take the blame, but I did this. Alex is dead, and you have a child in danger because of what I did." Her body was shuddering with the effort to suppress her emotions. She brought her hands to her face and rocking back and forth, she said in a strangled voice, " I should have come to you. I should have told you what was happening instead of doing it on my own. I�m so sorry, Max."
Max knelt down in front of Liz and took her trembling hands into his warm ones. "No Liz, listen to me. I�m the one who�s sorry." He raised her chin gently in his hand, looking deeply into her disconsolate eyes. "It wasn�t your fault. Alex is dead because Tess killed him." His voice deepened with regret. " I have a child because of my own irresponsibility. You only did what you did because I told you too." He came to his feet, pulling her up with him. Leading her to the bed, he sat down pulling her smaller figure down next to him. Leaning forward with his hands in between his knees, he hung his head as he said miserably, "I can�t believe that I would ask you to do that; to take the burden for the fate of the world all by yourself. What kind of person did I become that I could do that to you?"
Liz put her hand lightly on his back. "Max, if you had seen the desperation, and grief. You had been through battles. Michael had just died in your arms�. Isabel�."
Max lifted his head and looked at her. "Will you let me see?"
"What?"
"Will you let me connect so I can see what happened?" He knelt in front of her on the floor. He hadn�t done this since that first time in the Crash Down, but he needed to see and feel what was in her heart so he could fully understand what she had been through. "Please Liz. I want to know."
Liz was couldn�t look away from his compelling gaze. "OK."
Max took a deep breath and gently put his hands on either side of her face, sliding his fingers under her hair. "Just let the memories come, Liz," he said softly staring deeply into her dark eyes.
She allowed her thoughts to drift, remembering every detail of her and Future Max�s time together. The feelings washed over her: fear, amazement, sadness, joy, love, guilt, and despair at her final act of desperation. When Max finally broke the connection, tears were running down both of their cheeks and he laid his forehead against hers.
"Oh, God Liz. I�m so sorry. How have you been able to keep this inside for so long? I wanted that life too. I wanted it so much. How could I have asked you to give up our lives together? There had to be other ways to keep Tess here without sacrificing our happiness." His voice shook with the depths of his emotion.
"I don�t know, Max," Liz pulled back to look at him. "You�the future you� said that she left because of the way you treated her after we got back together. Maybe guilt combined with losing Isabel and Michael made you believe that you needed to give me up to make up for it." Liz got up from the bed and moved toward the window, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. She turned back to him. "I mean, look at our track record. Every time something happens, one of us has tried to let the other go, as if our being together is what keeps causing the trouble. You tried to let me go when Michael got sick, I tried when we got the message from you mother, and you even came back from the future to do it again." She shook her head in disgust and pacing, went on. "But it never works. Things don�t get better. Life doesn�t become perfect because we�re apart. Whatever bad things that were going to happen, still happen, and we�re miserable on top of it."
Max got up from the floor and went to stand in front of her. "Your're right." He touched her arm to stop her agitated pacing. "Look Liz, we have to make a pact right here. We have to agree never to keep secrets from each other again. The whole group does. We can�t function like this. Now more then ever, we have to rely on each other because other wise, our enemies are going to destroy us." He took her hand and led her to the bed again. They sat down facing each other and Max kept her hand in his. Looking at her earnestly, he asked, "Will you promise me that no matter how painful it is, or what circumstances there are, that you will always tell me the truth? That you�ll trust me?"
"I promise," Liz said solemnly with a nod. "Do you promise the same thing?" she asked with a small smile.
"I promise," Max�s lip curled slightly in response. "I trust you with my life," he said sincerely. " Now, one more thing." He stopped and took a breath before continuing determinedly. "We have to stop blaming ourselves for what happened to Alex. We both made poor choices, especially my future self." Liz opened her mouth to protest, but he cut her off with an apologetic shake of his head for breaking the rule he just set. "I know, I know, I�m sorry. It�s going to be hard," he said ruefully. "But we have to get past it or we won�t be able to go on with our lives, personally or with the others."
"How do you think they�ll react when I tell them?" Liz was dreading having to go through the whole story again. Just explaining it this one time had taken years off her life.
"I don�t know," Max answered truthfully, " but whatever they do, we are not going to blame ourselves anymore." He leaned forward to look directly into her eyes. "Agreed?"
"OK," she said softly. How could she resist when he looked at her that way? She�d have to be dead. "I guess we�d better see if Isabel is ready to go. Maria is going to have a fit if we leave her there to entertain Michael and Kyle much longer."
They rose from the bed, there hands firmly together as they went out the door.
**TBC**