GET A GRIP

Facing you from around life's next corner is a rendevoux with reality you would probably just as soon avoid. Like everyone else who is still breathing, you're getting older. Quite a bit older, in fact. The truth is, you're facing 50 and you're not sure what to do about it. Other birthdays in your life were rugged events. This next sucker is causing you extreme anquish. You expended a lot of energy getting good at "being young." Actually you've got "being young" down pat. That's wonderful.

Now you're on the verge of formally becoming what some call "sort of old" and others call "entirely elderly." Knowing this, we have a new project for you and for all your friends with gray pony-tails and expanding waist sizes.

Yes, what is normally referred to as "The Big Five Oh" is emerging in your lives, friends. Which means it's time to GET MOBILIZED!

There is no getting around the dreaded appointment turning 50 represents. You can't hire an upper-classman to take your mid-term exams for you and you can't skip-out on 50. That's just the way it is.

Yes, 50 is about to become your baby. You're going to change its little britches and you're going to learn to love it. Why? Because you don't have any choice.

Before you know it, you'll be 50 and the damn thing is, you ALREADY know hitting 50 is gonna' freak you right on out of here.

There, now. Get a grip.

The key question today is, are you going to let turning 50 drive you crazy? Are you among those who truly regard 50 as being truly wretched? Are you really going to allow yourself to get upset by all of this? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you need help.

For starters, I reccommend close perusal of this treatise called Facing 50. Assuming you have average reading skills, you can tackle this examination of 50 in less time than it takes to floss all of your teeth with one hand tied behind your back.

As you breeze through this compilation of quotes and quips you will discover it to be a veritable treasure chest of compelling reasons for feeling good about becoming one of America's New Geezers.

Hold on, you say. How could anyone offer such a guarantee?

Heh, I'm just an average guy who happens to be 50-years-old now. Having "been around," I know guarantees are a dime a dozen in our hyped-out society. I also realize that most "know-it-all's" are basically full of cow excrement when it comes to comprehending universal issues like aging and/or the war on nose hair.

I'll tell you what: I'm going to simply establish a few of my credentials along the way and let you make your own conclusions about what it means to be 50 and still poor.

I admit I may possibly not be the smartest person alive. I mean, someone else invented the pooper-scooper. But I do know this much. You need help. A lot of help, in fact. You're on the verge of turning 50. Without some measure of solid reassurance, you might also be on the verge of a major psychological reversal.

Of course, none of this is taking place in a vacuum, let alone an automatic dishwasher. What we're dealing with here is an abstractly cock-eyed culture in America, a rather sick society that has led you and people like yourself to believe that hitting 50 is somehow morally and spiritually "wrong."

That 50 is perhaps not nifty is a false notion that has nevertheless been ingrained in the way we think and act in this country, and also in Indiana. As American milestones go, 50 is perceived to be particularly ominous, which is where all the unnecessary trepidation comes from.

Facing 50 lays waste to this false perception. It celebrates the emerging opinion that Age 50 in this day and age represents more of a beginning than an end. Clarifying old myths may be like trying to change the direction of the "Queen Mary" with a canoe paddle. It is doable but it also takes time.

I mean, everyone knows 50 hints seriously of genuine antiquity. Old age, Americans have been suckered into believing, is to be feared and, by all means, avoided. Where this sick logic came from and how it became so pervasive in your average suburban shopping center are mysteries to me and to everyone in my zipcode.

We may be looking at some form of Hollywood-driven conspiracy here, folks. Perhaps a plot by beauty cream manufacturers to fool everyone into believing wrinkles are, indeed, god-awful. Whatever the case, we've been conned.

I'm here to tell you, wrinkles are actually divine in some cases. And, more importantly, turning 50 is NOT the trip back to Hell Week that so many people make it out to be. Even if you never joined a fraternity, you're about to discover what I mean when I say, "Don't worry."

Fifty, from the perspective of a never-reformed Beatles fanatic who made it that far, happens to be the opposite of depressing.

Fifty, you will find, is more like a pleasant stroll through the park on a crisp autumn afternoon. If strolling doesn't work for you, you can jog. In fact, you should jog because being 50 is actually cause for celebration, a time for taking a long and glorious victory lap around the parameters of your life.

To be 50 and energized is an achievement to be proud of, not an eventuality to be feared.

Fifty, as everyone knows, is big business these days. Fifty, you see, is hitting the heart of America and 50 is sneaking up on you, faster than a pack of gas-soaked matches.

Our intelligence reports indicate you have a pretty good sense of humor. You're going to need that, of course, on this journey we have begun. You might also want to include a few dozen sealed packages of saltine crackers. Something to munch on.

You see, we're going to take a trip here, folks. We're going to explore 50, from as many angles as time and good judgement allow.

Our premise on this journey is, you only turn 50 once so you might as well do all you can to make YOUR passage as pleasant as possible. Quite frankly, we believe you need a guidebook, an instructional treatise of sorts. And, quite frankly, you already know that.

Bon voyage!