You Can't Blame the Dog

You can't blame the dog.

Sure, you can try. You can actually fool yourself into believing you're doing it.

In the end, though, you can't blame the dog.

The fact is, the dog is never at fault. Not technically, at least.

While we're on the subject, you can't blame anyone else for anything else. We'll get back to that later.

To stay in focus here, let's continue with the dog aspect.

The dog - any dog - begins as an innocent animal. Everything that happens after that is a matter of chance.

I believe that's why many people over the years have named their dogs "Chance." We had a dog that arrived in our lives by the name Courage, which pretty much made the same point.

Courage's breeders gave him that name. They somehow sensed this particular pup was going to need all the moxie he could summon up. Smaller than his siblings, he would need a greater quotient of valor in his personality mix.

We never blamed Courage for his assertive ways, for his propensity for biting people. We forgave him, now that I mention it.

We figured, it wasn't his fault people stuck their fingers in his face. He was merely responding to strong, atavistic urging, intrinsic to most beasts and quite a few humans, now that I mention that, too.

Courage was a Basenji, an African bush-hound of the highest pedigree. His parents were each royalty in Basenji circles and his breeders were regulars on the Midwest dog circuit. They spent all of their free time either grooming these little critters or driving them around Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan and Ohio some more.

They lived for the dogs, among the dogs, unto the dogs. And they never held them responsible for their own doo-doo.

One day all the pieces came apart on this fine union and the two breeders went their own separate ways. But they never blamed the dogs for which I never blamed them. They knew what you and I know: You can't blame the dog.

You can blame God or other spiritual envisioning. You can blame Ma Nature. You can blame the spirits and the demons and the Republicans and Democrats. You can blame Jesse Ventura and all the loonies in America. But you can't blame the dog.

You can blame the dog if you want. You can do practically anything you like, at least once. But you can't blame the dog and get away with it, philosophically or otherwise. Your blaming the dog or any other animal for that matter will not hold water, even if that isn't your objective. It won't even hold oxygen, generally thought to less permeable than water, let alone, ginseng.

You can blame your parents, your teachers, your neighbors, your peer group, your preacher, his wife, their children, your children and/or the entire universe. No one will try to stop you. But you cannot - and I mean, CAN NOT - blame the darn dog, not if you want to make any sense, that is.

Blaming the dog is bad form and a general waste of time. It will do no good at all. You can kick a dog until your shoes wear out but it will never accomplish anything as far as your interests are concerned. You'll just have to buy new shoes, with all the other important issues left unresolved.

The rendering of scapegoats from former dogs is something all of us should hold in serious contempt. It's not right, not fair, not historically accurate and is really starting to bother me and a lot of other people I know. They may not be prepared to go as far as to actually write a book about it. But I know they're worried for the same reasons I am.

Blaming dogs is killing America and hurting the heck out of Argentina, Brazil and Texas. Quite frankly, we are missing the point. The point is, you can't blame the dog, even though most people keep trying to do just that - blame a pup.

I'd really have to say blaming a young dog is a lot worse than blaming just any normal dog. It's not their fault they're young. Things just worked out that way. Plus, it's not as if they aren't doing something about it. When you watch most young dogs and can't help but notice, they are aging, slightly.

I knew a woman who blamed her dog for leaving hair in the house where the dog found itself living. You don't need to know whether the dog in question was male or female. You only need to know the dog was innocent as charged and innocent in general.

If you still think it is at all OK for you to even contemplate blaming a dog for absolutely anything, I am obviously doing a pretty horrible job of conveying the major logical connections on this matter. I wouldn't let that bother me, or un-nerve any of the people who think I lost it about 30 years ago.

My argument is still taking form. There is a lot more to all of this than anyone has let on, so far. We are going to get to the bottom of this thesis. As we do so, I suggest you kick off your ice-skates and open a personal-sized mini-container of grape juice, fermented or otherwise.

As you relax, I'm going to put in a few phone calls to some people who actually understand this subject. They might not be home now. I may have to leave a few messages. I know they'll get back to me. In turn, I'll get back to you.

There are some overwhelmingly compelling reasons out there for people not to blame dogs or any other living beings for anything whatsoever that happens to them or any of the other members of their country club. You're about to confront the sheer truthfulness of their positions. You may not appreciate all of it at first. We understand that.

Your anxiety is perfectly normal. We're talking about re-working entire lifetimes of pre-existing bias. I suggest putting on-hold all prior conceptions about everything for the next hour or so. You can go back to all that garbage if you want when we're done here. You won't want to, though.

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Dogs originated in North Africa, millions of years after dinosaurs vanished. Dogs evolved from ocean creatures called sea puppies. For hundreds of thousands of years they lived in the water and on the land, usually near the shore. They existed on plankton and little else. None wore collars.

Sometime after Columbus disturbed America, dogs went from being beasts of the wild to passive creatures capable of sleeping in people's beds and other amazingly human activities. Rather than dominating man, they went to being dominated by women.

When dogs first appeared on leashes other members of the animal kingdom formed a union to ensure none of them would ever find themselves living under the same circumstances. Their elected leadership enacted a set of standards, known today as the Critter's Rights Animal Manifesto, or, CRAM.

The best-known CRAM standard, as you might have guessed, is, You Can't Blame The Dog. What they meant was, dogs weren't responsible for being on leashes. Clearly, it wasn't their idea of a good time.

Nothing has changed in the centuries that followed. Other than husbands, no other creatures are led about their neighborhoods in such a severe degree of subjugation. That dogs seem to accept their singular servitude with little or no complaining is testimony to their universally good-natured dispositions.

They are not kidding when they say dogs are a man's best friend, and a woman's smallest nightmare. Ninety-nine times out of 100, dogs offer the right mix of friendliness, support and undying devotion. All you have to do is feed them often and feed them well. Do that twice a day and walk them whenever they want and you're set, dog-wise, that is.

Every once in a while you hear about someone who lives in a remote area like Los Angeles, California or some other obscure burg. This person always owns about 10 or 20 dogs and the media make a big deal about it, like the person is some kind of freak, or worse.

Rarely do they focus on the altruistic angle. And, when they do, they practically never portray it as the dogs being altruistic toward the person. In failing to acknowledge the obvious, they leave wide open the vacuum for me to make this important case - you can't blame the dog.

News professionals who completely miss the real story are not the fault of any dogs I know. Did you ever see a dead dog on a freeway? That sad scenario didn't need to happen, not during rush hour. Missing the lead on an otherwise great story is just about as bad, if a bit less bloody.

People who choose to share their lives with one or more dogs deserve more than class-driven societal scorn. They need food stamps, in the form of dog stamps. They take on feeding responsibilities that represent an above-and-beyond-the-call-of-duty commitment to planetary order. No one makes them do it? So, why does it happen? I never thought you'd ask.

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In ancient Greek culture, the word for junkyard dog was "Parthenon." Scholars agreed only certain vestiges of prehistoric yearning could apply to basic man-animal role defining exercises. In other words, if the dog was bad, you blamed the dog.

Expectations being what they were, most people in the long robe era bought into the mores of the day, especially as they applied to relationships between allegedly superior beings and beasts of equally alleged common burden. Rocking the boat was unheard-of; watercraft of that time period wouldn't allow for it.

Long before dogs became scapegoats for everything from poverty to ignorance to littering, other animals took their turn feeling the scorn of wrathful human beings. First there was the camel, then the mule. Next came oxen, followed by peasant children.

Finally, canine creatures defying breed characterization emerged as the most vulnerable creations of God to elevate the poor art of victimization. How this happened to dogs and not to, say, rabbits, remains a point of universal puzzlement. Some observers suggest looking at the simple numbers: there were more dogs. Or, so it seemed.

Only later, with modern computers and other high technology instrumentation at their disposal, did scientists deduce what will strike many readers as a very plausible theory. They determined that the reason man perceived more dogs in his presence than he did rabbits was because dogs - by their very nature - were, quite frankly, more visible.

Larger dogs took the heat for much of this high visibility problem. While they knew they could do nothing about their physiology issues, they still felt greater levels of guilt, remorse and indigestion than their brethren smaller pooch mongers.

Parsimony became the watchword for all psychologically illogical references to man-dog dichotomy. One of the first to assert a specialty in this field was the late postal supervisor, Ruth Lesh.

To her credit, Ms. Lesh was one of the few leading dog detractors who at least spent time with the species and understood its need for special dispensation. She even coined the phrase, "I need my space."

But when that insight was applied externally, as in the case of dogs, she came up woefully short in the empathy department. If you think I'm making all of this up, check out the following quote, taken verbatim from a speech Ms. Lesh made to a group of construction workers who were remodeling her vestibule.

"Every ill in the recorded history of this planet can be accurately laid at the doorstep of dogs immemorial," she actually said. "Even their slobber is suspect and the fleas they harbor inane. Between all the barking and biting and rising vet bills, their entire place in the greater cosmic scheme of the universe strains credulity."

The workmen were aghast. No, strike that. The work man was a ghost. They were shocked, amazed, downtrodden and unremorseful. They could not believe they were hearing this from a woman, let alone a woman named Lesh.

When she raised her voice, they lowered their hammers. When she stammered, they spoke unhesitatingly. Civil chaos erupted, lots of lava flowed and the entire remodeling project slipped into the regrettable state of Nevada.

"The significance of what happened in her home that morning could never be over-stated," said Dr. Francois DeMoposiant, professor of animal studies at The French Toast Institute.

"Everything has been up-hill since then for those of us who believe you can never cut enough slack to man's best friend. The legacy of Lesh is something we'll be battling for a long time to come. One thoughtless breath of candor from a single callous woman set back dog-man relations at least two or three millennium. She should really be ashamed of herself."

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The stark innocence of dogs - and of rats for that matter - was established on the day the Boulder, Colorado City Fathers voted to change the name pet owners to "pet guardians." The ramifications of this little-heralded civic gesture will be felt for beers to come.

That is correct, esteemed members of the jury. As humans, in Boulder, at least, we do not own them, whether they're sheep, Shetland ponies or German Shepherds. At best, and let's hope it's good, we are merely guardians.

At our best, we are guardian angles. At our worst, we are guardian a-holes. At least we don't exist in a static society.

What happened in Colorado can happen in your town, which is unlikely to be as innovative as Boulder, where even establishment types wear construction boots to church.

Subtle relationships involving humanoids and canine creatures are being redefined as you read this important diatribe. That it is happening in communities from Charleston to Carl's Bad Caverns is of equal amazement to the custodial staff at Rand McNally.

Dogs are getting off their leashes and into their leases.

Dogs are talking the talk AND walking the walk.

In great films like "Babe," dogs are depicted talking to common barnyard animals.

Dog psychiatrists and psychologists continue to gain acceptance in New York, Los Angeles, Santa Fe and New Guinea.

Dogs are marrying other dogs in sanctified ceremonies featuring actual humans as ring bearers, preachers, organists and Frisbee chasers.

Dogs are eating more human food and humans are eating more dog food.

In times of rapid change such as those in which at least you might be still living, you clearly cannot blame the dog. The dog clearly cannot stand for it. The dog might lie for it, as in, lying around, sleeping a lot, telling falsehoods all over the neighborhood.

Dogs bear no responsibility, for bears or, for themselves. People will blame dogs for any multitude of evilness and sub-rectification. In doing so, they will be wasting their breath, wiling their lives away, ruining this for everyone.

Even when dogs do it, dogs don't really do it. Dogs merely act on impulses, many if not all of which they get from us. That is correct. If you are going to blame anyone in this sad equation, blame us. We did it.

Do you think they call Parent Effectiveness Training "P.E.T." just by accident? There is no way, Felipe.

Just when you think you are the owner and the dog is the pet, along comes Dr. Thomas Gordon with Parent Effectiveness Training (PET).

In this book, the author says parents are blamed but not trained. Parents, he reminds us, are persons, not Gods. Expect inconsistency, he warns, and accept your children, not their behaviors. Dr. Gordon goes on to coach parents on effective listening practices and on the importance of demonstrating that acceptance.

He examines the heck out of the concept of "active listening." It's risky behavior, he suggests. Doing so requires suspending your own thoughts and feelings to focus exclusively on what you are hearing.

"Something happens to a person when he practices active listening," Dr. Gordon writes. "To understand accurately how another person thinks or feels from his point of view, to put yourself momentarily into his shoes, to see the world as he is seeing it - you as a listener run the risk of having your own opinions and attitudes changed. In other words, people actually become changed by what they really understand."

I love the book. The author takes the concept of "open" to levels beyond normal consideration. Certainly, being open to the concepts of another leads down the slippery slope toward "having to reinterpret your own experiences," as he writes. You might freak out.

If you are a defensive person, you probably ain't going there. You might not be ready for exposing yourself to views that are different than your own. If you're flexible, however, you're already kicking off the sweats.

To flex is to be human. If you walk and drink coffee and urinate several times during the night, it is recommended behavior. The French might spell that word differently but I'm sure they agree, otherwise.

George Thompson talks about the tree that flexes in stern winds. In doing so, it survives the storm, whereas firm, brittle trees snap and break in similar conditions.

Clearly, you cannot blame the dog. But you can understand the dog, teach the dog and begin to learn to think like the dog. You can adapt to the dog's ways and literally BE the dog, if you dare.

Dare you must. Because you cannot blame the dog, you must find another political tool for coexisting with the critter.

Becoming the dog, metaphysically, at least, is a good way to begin. And, I suspect, a good way to end.

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You don't want to own the dog. The idea is to be the dog's friend. Who in this world would want a dominating friend? Not you, that's for pure, pedigree, I mean.

In the post-blame game, you are in this for the friendship, not the fiend-ship, for cryin' out loud. And you are not in this alone.

Understanding is the key to friendship. We're drawn to those we think understand us. If we're lucky, they actually do. Understanding is also the key to communication with dogs.

The famous monks at New Skete who support themselves by breeding, raising and training dogs at their monastery in upper New York State, advocate this philosophy through action and accomplishment. They utilize human-centered values in their companion-based approach to nurturing quality relationships with dogs, and parole officers.

Irresponsible pet ownership is killing Nebraska and much of the heartland, from New Jersey to nude beaches. Lack of commitment and understanding isn't helping the matter, from the perspective of a dog, which I have assumed for the next month or so.

From a dog's eye mind, we are being neglected, misunderstood and abused by just about everyone except Felix Mock II and the monks. What a drag. We have so much to teach humans. If only they could figure us out, they could become so much more humane, patient, responsible and compassionate. My oh my.

We are, after all, man's closest earthly companion. We're creatures, like you guys. Plus, we are so loyal it's embarrassing. Throw in excessive trust, honesty and devotion and you have a formula for success. We were designed to hang out together.

As Helen Sherlock from Caralon Kennels in Ballwin, Missouri wrote, man and dog have formed a non-threatening, constructive bond of emotion and communication from earliest history. "In what now seems an almost magnetic attraction, these two seekers for survival found a relationship that even today can cut through the artificiality of technological stresses," she states in the Introduction to the book, "How To Be Best Friends With Your Dog."

Sharing your life with a dog is one heavy-duty enterprise, she insists.

"It entails more than the obvious companionship and affection," Ms. Sherlock writes. We may only be aware of the intellectual content. But the ebb and flow of what occurs in communication is larger than that. She describes how in relating to a dog, we heighten our own ability to empathize.

Better yet, in really and truly paying attention to our dog (or, dogs) we find relief from self-preoccupation and enfeebling neuroses, from physical and mental confinement and other pressures which impede our intuition and capacity for caring. Ultimately, in doing so, we lift our own spirits, not to mention, the dog's, too!

Poets suggest God may have made the perfect being when he (She?) created dogs. Once you let your mind go there, you gain a better appreciation of why people need dogs and dogs need people.

And once that appreciation takes hold, you no longer doubt the truth of this statement: you can't blame the dog.

The monks at New Skete have discovered that dogs teach humans how to be. This process unfolds in a number of subtle ways. They also show us how not to be and are in a unique position to do just that. We learn about ourselves as we interact with our dogs.

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Dogs require training. A dog that is not properly trained is dog that will get on your nerves, sooner or later. Things can get so bad you can be easily tempted to blame the dog. Don't do it. Blame yourself for not helping the dog get what he or she or Lassie needs.

If you are inclined to blame your dog for each and every thing that happens, my advice to you would be to look under "dog trainer" in your local phone book. Also try "veterinarian." Many of them are being taught to help teach people like you to be more proficient at the important job of coexisting with a dog.

These people don't have all the answers. But they have enough of them to help you learn to think right. That's what really matters.

Issues like praise and discipline exist at the core of correctly bringing up the pup. Both are very necessary, if not always appropriately directed. Praise is an attitude, a stance. Discipline is a state of mind � of focused mind, to be exact.

The monks suggest giving your dog time to readjust after disciplining the animal. Then, take him for a ride and make up with him, doggone it.

Training is the watchword of this chapter, of this book, of this life. Training put me where I am - in serious debt. Training is the only hope I have of recovering, with dignity. No dog will be worth the Alpo you feed it unless you train it.

This doesn't have to be yourself doing all the training. People exist who will help you and your dog through this process. Not all of them work at the pound.

The easiest way not to blame the dog is to accept your role in its emergence from silly puppy to complaint adult. Without you playing a major part in this dog's development, you might as well consider youth in Asia - for yourself and the poochie. The dog needs you.

If you think you already read that line in here, you're right, you did. What more important point could I make? OK, you're out of beer. But, beyond that, there isn't anything more important to say in this context.

The reason no one in this life can ever-ever-ever blame the dog is because the dog doesn't know what to do. Only when you teach the dog correct behavior techniques can you expect the dog to conduct itself with what the British call aplomb.

You can't blame the dog. Blame yourself, instead. It's not as if being tough on yourself represents new territory for readers of this extended essay. Anyone curious enough to consider this extremely essential thesis comes to the experience with the kind of intellectual rigor required to bake illegal brownies.

The first thing you have to train yourself to do is to train yourself. Owning a dog is huge attitude deal. Begin with Numero Uno, and I don't mean Rachel Welch.

Look into the eyes of your dog. Eye contact is critical to mutual understanding. Try as hard as possible to convey yourself into the essence of the former beast, the distant descendent of the wolf, with apologies to the sheep industry.

If you cannot see the implicit trust and need for direction conveyed from the gaze of any well-fed dog, you must surely have failed to keep up on your utility payments because no lights could be working in your igloo, not with this breakdown in perception.

Everything within the eye design of any dog speaks to the issue of dependence. These animals are about as self-sustaining as an indigent and naked racist in a foreign ghetto.

Sure, in ancient days, in antiquity, dogs ran in packs, found food where they could - usually in Kansas City - and managed to survive with muscles and without overgrown adults feeding them low-level canned goods. They maintained lofty dental standards by cleaning their teeth on parking meters, until the day one unfortunate cocker spaniel accidentally bit into a drinking fountain.

All of that changed on the night the first primitive man gave the first primitive dog the first primitive particulate of animal flesh entrails. Boy, that was the wrong thing to do.

Oops. Well, what are you going to do?

Ever since then, dogs count on us - twice a day at our house. They know you will feed them because they know if you don't feed them, you will begin to worry that they might eat you. No dog would do this. But most people haven't thought this through.

They expect the worst and do their best to prevent it from happening.

In an epic example of what happens when you pet a dog nicely is captured in this story, heard on a airline flight from a woman who said she was from either Georgia, the State in the USA, or the Soviet province of the same name. There was nothing about the woman otherwise that would provide any reasonable clue as to her national ancestry. She was dressed in civilian clothes and kept her core ideology to herself.

Not everyone on the flight heard her. A few people who were asleep may have missed it. Others were in the rear of the cabin, pestering the help. Both pilots wore earphones, preventing them from knowing how extreme an accent this clearly unassimilated beauty brought to the present tense.

Another thing a dog needs is water. For a dog, there is no such thing as too much water, just as there is no thing such as changing the water as frequently as possible, ideally, hourly. Feed a dog dry kibble and give a dog water. That shouldn't be too hard to remember.

If you do not adhere to these basic adherents in the realm of reasonable dog guardianship you are going to have yourself one heck of an unhappy dog on your hands. Again, I would not blame the dog.

The monks suggest if you are experiencing behavior problems with you dog, a change in diet may be in order. You might increase protein and lower carbohydrates. Doing so may affect a decrease in hyperactivity and foster greater emotional stability. I could use some of that this afternoon.

Even vitamins have a place in the life of a progressively resolved animal called a dog. My advice: doggie Geritol. Ladies and children, this stuff works. I use it, my children use it, classical guitarists clean greasy pots with it and get stains off the dumb waiter.

How many variables exist in the appropriate initial training and maintenance of the trainer of the dog? Too many to list in this context, that's for sure. The monks dwell on the importance of environment as a consideration in the proper administration of a dog's life. City is different than farm, in that only one has tanning salons. Beyond that, faulting the dog for anything other than having bad breath is bad form no matter where you are, Scarsdale or Scarsdale Diet.

The dark-robed denizens of perfect dog-domain posit hundreds of elaborately thoughtful considerations in "How To Be Your Dog's Best Friend." They dissect the ethos of dog sensitivity training (why not?) and issues like where your dog sleeps. Where does your dog sleep? You're kidding.

We let Courage sleep in our bed. Doing so was an enormous mistake. If you screw up on this aspect of having a dog, the monks' prayers are with you, which they were to begin with.

Give your dog tons of slack but do not let Fido run your life, for he was not designed to do so.

The more effectively you train your dog, the better life you'll have together. You can use canine socialization and training techniques or you can go for a walk outside Reno, Nevada. If you choose the structured approach, here are a few guidelines to follow:

Have breakfast that morning. You will need normal energy to have an exceptional experience.

Condition your dog with key chains combining brass, steel and metal keys, which, when properly arranged, can create unusually pleasurable sounds to dogs, which you can associate with desired activities, such as not biting your leg off.

If you don't want to mess with keys, try hand-clapping, whistling, hooting, cooing or moaning. None are effective but it makes it more fun for you.

Dogs up to two years of age can still be trained. If they're older than that, you might want to use a 2x4.

Max Picard said animals move through the world like a caravan of silence. By this he meant, they form a narrow single line. And they do so silently, making a very important point while they're at it.

Dogs appreciate a quiet environment. If you've ever lived around maniacs who enjoy shooting off loud fireworks and seen how your dog reacts, you know what we mean, "we" being the committee of retired worm farmers who are writing this book on their lunch hour today.

How can you tell when your dog is happy? Use your eyes! Watch the dog, darn it. Is it playing? It is? It's happy, then. Is it sprinting? If it is, it's happy. When was it the last time you sprinted? See what I mean? Does your dog relate well to other dogs? How about you? Do you relate well to the guardians of other dogs? If you answer "no" to that question, sign up for a personality transplant - for you, of course.

Make training lively and fun. Pipe in cool music.

Avoid uncreative play yard areas. Eschew stifling concrete.

Kids are great with dogs. They're too young to have forgotten the magical aspects of man and dog relationships. They're still willing to play, really play. Dogs love them for it. Remember that kids have been exposed to many media variations of animals-as-people which may tend to distort appropriate perceptions.

Teach children not to surprise dogs. My dear niece snuck up on Courage one day - one of his last days, as it turned out. He bit her hand, she experienced swelling in the hand and ended up in the hospital for observation. For Courage, that was Bite #10 in a life of eight years. Typing the next sentence is tough. We had him put to sleep.

Coming up upon a dog from behind can have serious consequences no matter how stable the dog is, the monks write. Since children tend to think of dogs as people, it is very important for adults to get this point across, early and often, as the doctor told the taxpayer.

Beware of strange dogs. They may be afraid, or extremely hungry. Do not raise your hand to such a dog, or to any dog for that matter. Instead, stand still and walk away slowly. Do not scream, you idiot. Do not run. Do not call the dog a nazi.

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Dogs are smart. The same applies to most puppies. They're intelligent as instant TV millionaires and they enjoy learning.

Keep telling yourself this, even as your new pup eats your golf clubs.

Never lose your temper, dammit.

You can begin training your pup before it is one month old. You can continue training the animal until it dies. Begin with simple commands like, "Grow up!" Be consistent and fair. Don't be a jerk, although a little tugging on a leash can be useful in infancy.

Among the first things you want to teach your dog is its own name. Keep the handle as simple as possible. Dogs named Augustine are easily lost in urban parks. Try Spike or Bart or Judy. Dogs named Judy might be itty-bitty little things but they're cute as a string of Bob Hope one-liners.

Tone of voice is the Bible, the gospel, the Koran and the all-omnipotent stash sack of all successful dog guardianship. Revered trainers from Mackinaw to Miami have built illustrious careers on the science of utilizing effective voice tone in the world-class training of dogs.

For example, when you say, "What a good dog!," you want to place various points of emphasis throughout the declaration. Famed trainer Barbara Woodhouse would raise her voice with the word "good." What you got was, "What a GOOD dog." The less angry you sound, the better results you'll experience when next visiting a Laundromat with Rex-baby.

Avoid excessive mouth kissing. I know that sounds ridiculous. But the fact is, many dog guardians lay it on a little thick when it comes to dog affection. I trained Labrador Retrievers with a top professional one summer. He hated it when I petted his dogs. In his mind, they didn't need it, nor, did they benefit from the stroking. He was extremely circumspect with all gestures of friendliness, without being a total czar about it all.

Be sure to accentuate the positive, decry the negative. This applies to how you coexist with your dog as well as every other living being in your life. You can foster good behavior by celebrating it. And you can eliminate bad behavior by addressing it instructively.

With dogs, humans, Trouts and all living entities, positive reinforcement is the name of the game, the name of the league and the key to having not only a nice day but a happy forever, as well. If you thought PR stood for Public Relations you were not only wrong, you were having a bad hair day. PR stands for Positive Reinforcement. If you don't apply plenty of PR to your dog-raising activities, you might as well kiss Fido good-bye and get a job with a street sweeping crew.

In this world, what goes in, comes out, whether you're bringing up pups or designing fuel filters. Because you can never blame the dog, you can only blame yourself. Don't do it. If you're already doing it, stop immediately. You are in control, of yourself and of Lassie, Rin Tin Tin and Charlie, the amazing talking cocker spaniel. Raise your dog well, consider your dog without guile, lead by example and drink one pint of lager per day.

If you follow those instructions, your dog will love you. And who could blame the dog for that?