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Pecker
Checker Tax
Author:
A Truck Driver/North America
Revision
3/76
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: Internal Revenue Service
Subject: Increased Tax Payments Dear
Taxpayer:
The only thing the I.R.S. has not taxed is your
pecker. This is due to the fact that 40% of the
time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the
time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard-up,
and 10% of the time it is employed but it operated
in the hole. Furthermore, it has two dependents
and there both nuts.
Accordingly, after Feb. 1, 1977 your pecker will
be taxed, based on its size, using the "Pecker
- Checker" scale below. Determine your category
and insert the additional tax under "Other
Taxes", page 2, part v, line 61 of you standard
Income Tax Return (form 10450)
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10 - 12 inches
Luxury Tax $30.00
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8-10
inches Pole Tax$25.00
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6-8
inches Privilege Tax $15.00
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4-6
inches Nuisance
Tax $ 5.00
Note:
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
DO NOT APPLY FOR AN EXTENSION
Males
with peckers in excess of 12" should file
under "Capital Gains".
Reuban
J.Cutchapeckeroff
I.R.S. Director
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Author:
Truck Driver/North America
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MONDAY:
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north
and south end of the church and the children will
be baptized at both ends.
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TUESDAY:
At 8 pm there will be an ice cream special. All ladies
giving milk please come early.
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WEDNESDAY:The
Ladies Literary Society will meet at Mrs. Johnson's
and will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied
by the Minister.
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THURSDAY: At
8 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers"
please meet with the Minister at 8 pm
FRIDAY: Friday
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come
forward and lay an egg on the alter.
The
service will close with "Little Drops of
Water" and if some lady will quietly start,
the rest of the congregation will join in.
Special collection will be taken to defray the
expenses of the carpet. Will all those who wish
to do something on the carpet please come forward
and get a piece of paper
Submitted
by: smiles_bring_happiness
Banana
Bread
Author:
Truck Driver/North America
2
Laughing eyes
2 Well shaped legs
2 Large milk containers
1 Fur lined mixing bowl
1 Large banana
2 Large nuts
Look
into laughing eyes, spread well shaped legs. Slowly
squeeze and massage milk containers very gently
until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased. Add
banana and work in and out until very creamy.
Cover with nuts and sigh until relieved. Bread
is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash utensils
and don't lick the bowl.
Caution: If the bread starts to raise, LEAVE TOWN
Submitted
by: smiles_bring_happiness
Letter
Author: Truck Driver/North America
My
Dear Son;
Just a few lines to let you know that I am still
alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I
know you can't read fast. You won't know the house
when you come home, we've moved.
It was a lot of trouble moving. The most difficult
thing was the bed. You see, the man wouldn't let
us take it in the taxi. It wouldn't have been too
bad if your father hadn't been sleeping in it at
the time.
About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has
500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the
cemetery.
Your sister got herself engaged to that fellow she's
been going with. He gave her a beautiful ring with
3 stones missing
Our neighbors, the Browns, started to keep pigs.
We got wind of this, this morning. I got my appendix
out and a dishwasher put in.
There was a washing machine in the new house when
we moved in, but it is not working to good. Last
week I put 4 shirts into it, pulled the chain and
I haven't seen the shirts since.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't
heard yet whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't
know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.
Your Uncle Amos was drowned last week in a wat of
whiskey in Dominion Brewery. Four of his friends
dived in to save him but he fought them off bravely.
We cremated his body and it took 3 days to put out
the fire.
Kate is now working in a mill in Grand Falls. She's
been there now six weeks. I'm sending her some clean
underwear as she says she's been in the same shift
since she's started.
Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas.
I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer.
It kept him going till New Years Day. I went to
the doctor on Thursday, your father came with me.
The doctor put a small glass tube into my mouth
and told me not to open it for 10 minutes. Your
father offered to buy it from him.
It rained only twice last week. First for 3 days,
then for 4. Monday was so windy, one of our chickens
laid the same egg 3 times.
We had a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He
said if the last installment wasn't paid on your
grandmother within 7 days, up she comes.
I must close now, because the plumber is coming
here to repair the pipes and there's a shocking
smell. Your
Loving Mother P.S.
I was going to send you $10.00 but I had already
sealed the envelope.
Submitted
by: smiles_bring_happiness
Author:
Truck Driver/North America
Scientists
have determined that the average length of intercourse
is 4 minutes. The average number of strokes per
minute is 9, making the average intercourse consist
of 36 strokes. Since the average length is 6""
the average girl receives 216" or 18' per intercourse.
The average girl does it about 3 times a week or
150 times a year. 150 x 18' = 2700', this is just
a little over a ½ mile every year. Why don't
you let the man who gave your this card help you
catch up
Submitted
by: smiles_bring_happiness
Author:
Truck Driver/North America
A
new Priest at his first mass was so scared he couldn't
speak. After mass he asked his Monsignor how he
had done. The Monsignor said, "Fine, but next
time it might help if you put a little vodka or
gin in you water, to relax you." The next week,
the Priest put vodka in his water and he really
kicked up a storm. After mass, again he asked his
Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor said, "Fine,
but there are some things you should get straight:
1. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
2. There are 12 Deciples, not 10.
3. David slew Galaith, he didn't kick the shit out
of him.
4. We don't refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
5. Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest
at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St.
Taffy's.
6. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not
referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and Spook
Submitted
by: smiles_bring_happiness
Author:
Truck Driver/North America
If a felt manufacturer
gets felt once a week, and a leather dealer gets
his hide every Tuesday and Thursday, and an icebox
gets a fresh piece every morning, and a table cloth
gets jerked off 3 times a day, and a street car
conductor will take a women for .15 cents, and a
mechanic has to screw a typewriter on a desk while
a dentist puts his tool in a women's mouth for only
$1.50 Then
why in the hell should a doctor charge $10.00 for
for only coming once for only coming once
Submitted
by: s_m_i_l_e_s
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