Tickle your whiskers with Sassy's Jokes

Issued by the Wisconsin Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:

1) Don't pretend that you are a better driver than those that reside in Wisconsin- just because you are from a big city like Chicago doesn't mean you can drive. Take your road-rage elsewhere F.I.B. or we will
kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns
(Sheboygan, Menomonee, Nekoosa, Oconomowoc, Prairie du Chien, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle or a can of pop here. Here it's called "soda." Accept it. Doing otherwise canlead to an ass kicking.

4) Don't call a Wisconsinite a cheesehead unless you are one yourself. We don't take kindly to outsiders mocking the best cheese produced in the world. Come in, buy your cheese and then go home ... or we will
kick your ass.

5) Don't drive into Wisconsin on one of those crotch rocket motorcycles ... there is only one bike in Wisconsin and it is made by Harley-Davidson. If you dare to pretend any other bike comes close, bike owners in the extended HOG family from around the world will kick your ass.

6) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you are. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.

7) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass fish and cows. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And don't laugh at our love and pride of our state or we'll kick your ass.

8) We are fully aware of how cold it gets herein the winter, so shut up. This great land is not for the weak or timid. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an accent, you do. Doing this will incite a riot and you will most certainly get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hellholes like Detroit, New York and Chicago, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Interstate 90, 94, and 43 are ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and armland. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to Chicago.

12) Don't ever mistake a Wisconsinite for a
Minnesotan. We are not alike, those folks to our West in the "land of ten thousands lakes" can keep their Paul Bunyan lifestyle and their extended vowel "o". Oh and Wisconsinites are not in the movie "Fargo" ... those would be Minnesotans. If you try to pretend
Minnesotan's and Wisconsinites are the same, the entire state will collectively kick your ass into Minnesota to teach you the difference.

13) So you think we're losers because most of us live on the farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.

14) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order
to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.

15) Oshkosh B'gosh is NOT a joke. Your ass will be kicked.

16) The Green Bay Packers are not a joke. God created the greatest football dynasty ever and placed it in Green Bay. Any jokes about the Packers or Vince ass kicking that you will never forget.

17) If you are from Atlanta, for your own safety, say you are from somewhere else, lest you get your ass kicked (take three sports franchises from Milwaukeeand we have a tendency to hold a grudge).

18) If you are looking for a water fountain, you'll need to go to a park. Water comes out of bubblers here. Make a joke about it, and you guessed it, another ass kicking.

19) Sausage Races are cool. Make fun of it, and one of the Sausages will come up from the field of Miller Park and lay down an 8 foot sausage ass kicking on you.

20) The University of Wisconsin is the oldest, best school in the BigTen. Any jokes about the quality of UW will result in Barry Alvarez, Ron Dayne, Dick Bennett, Bo Ryan, Pat Richter and all able bodied UW students assisting Bucky Badger in his class, Ass-Kicking 101 (only exception: Purdue University).

21) Wisconsin Dells has the world's largest and
coolest water parks ever made. Six Flags doesn't even compare ... if you pretend it does, we will have to kick your ass.

22) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us that hunting is cruelty to animals and venison is not edible meat. This will get your ass shot (after it is kicked). Say this twice and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.