Dear Abby

Dear Dear Abby: I have a question that I'm kinda embarrassed to ask. But here goes (given the fact you provide anonymity and all). I am in my late thirties and am single. I have a very healthy sexual appetite but have not had actual sex (cyber sex not included) for nearly seven months now. The reason is that I still use the sponge as a means of contraceptive. As you probably know, the sponge has not been manufactured in quite a few years. For some insane reason the manufacturers stopped making my precious little friend the sponge. My guess is that the head (pardon the pun) of the sponge manufacturing company is a friggin man! *Sigh* Okay, back to my dilemma... I only have five sponges left in my possession. I know that I cannot replace these five sponges once they are gone. THAT is the sole reason why I've been without sex for seven months. I'm trying to find a man who is "SPONGE WORTHY". I mean, I don't want to waste one of my sponge friends on a man who won't give it at least two hours of pleasure. Are there any sponge worthy men left in the world? And if there are Dear Dear Abby... how do I find them? And once I find them... what test shall I give them to see if they are actually sponge worthy or not? I'm also concerned that I'm getting too used to sating my sexual appetite with my vibrator. If I do not find a sponge worthy man soon I will be owning stock in a battery manufacturing company. I'm finding myself going through at least 6 batteries a week. The sponge-worthy men have to be out there somewhere Dear Dear Abby, PLEASE, DEAR GOD PLEASE, help me find them!

Signed,looking for a sponge-worthy man Pootang Pleasing, PA

Dear Sponge Worthy Seeker,

Darling, you have been denying your self sex for 7 months ! what planet are you on ? Look, the sponge is not the issue here, any make-up sponge will suffice, available at any drug store. Why haven't you tried other means of contraception? Ever tried the thrill of rolling a condom on a hard throbbing blue veined member ? Especially a black one with ribs, I mean the condom of course.

Now to your dilemma, are there any men who are sponge worthy? Well I seriously doubt it, they are basically dildos with bodies attached that grunt ,sweat , fart and complain. As for finding a man who is suitably grunt worthy, they are like buses wait 5 minutes and another one will come along.

Good luck and happy hunting

Signed Dear Abbey

Dear Abby

I'm female and in my early 40's, starting to go through menopause. I have lost my desire to have sex completely. This is a mystery to me, as I used to be horny all the time. I'm afraid that my husband will seek sex elsewhere if my sexual desire does not return soon. What do I do?

signed desperate

Dear Desperate,

Early 40's is young to be going through menopause, not impossible but young. Have you seen a doctor and been advised of HRT (hormone replacement therapy?) Menopause does not mean the end of your sex life, far from it.

As I see it, there are 2 things you can do, your husband and yourself can be a little inventive , to spark up your sex life and your interest, without creativity any relationship can become dull. Failing that, lie back and think of England.

Signed Dear Abbey

Dear Abby

I have this problem, I've fallen head over heals for a chick on the Internet. The problem is I sent her a pic of my much better looking brother, and now she wants to meet me. What do I do?
Signed, fat_bald_poor

Dear fat_bald_poor,
Certainly sounds like you got the trifector in the looks department, he he , but seriously, as you know lying only gets you into trouble, if you really like this girl tell her the truth , be prepared for her to be very angry and upset, listen to her and understand, and explain you only lied because you like her so much, expect for a cooling off period and send her nice messages and flowers.com is a good site to send her flowers. All the best and please let me know how it turns out.
Signed Dear Abby

 

Dear Abby

I think my wife is having an affair with my eldest sons best friend.The reason I think this is where previously she showed little interest she is now,,,,driving them everywhere,,,,,often going to the pub and see bands with them,,,,and on more than one occasion,,,,our son has come home,,,and she has stayed till later with his best friend. Also she has had her belly button pierced and is dressing like a teenager. When I ask her about this,,,,she laughs and calls me an old fuddy duddy

Signed late 40's and concerned

Dear late 40's and concerned,
I would suggest she is fucking your sons best friend, and why is that I wonder? perhaps you are an old fuddy dudddy and are no longer fun to be around. If I was in position I would be doing exactly the same. Your sex life is obviously lacking, which is why she seeks it elsewhere. Fix that or lose her. Just out of curiosity is your sons best friend, male or female?

Signed Dear Abby

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