Camp Sheridan, Va.

March 12, 1865

Miss Matilda P. Steckel

New York City

Dearest Tillie,

Since I received your letter of March the 6^th early this morning I wrote a long letter in answer, but as I do not wish to do anything hasty I did not mail it but kept it and read it over again this evening, to tell the truth I had not the heart to send it, and burned it up and wrote this one in the place.

What have I done Tillie that caused you to change your mind? Why so do you not wish to get married to me soon? Remember both of us are not more young. We have not more a number of years before us to wait like young people of sixteen. Do you not trust me? Do you think it necessary to wait an indefinite length of time to see if my or your sentiments may change? Or have yours changed already? Tillie that remark in your letter pained me exceedingly and has been the cause of a very disagreeable day to me. I have felt that your letters since I left New York, have been cooler than usual but was determined not to say anything. Your letter of February 23^rd never reached me. I am positively sick at heart and for the present not in a frame of mind to write to you. I do confess that I do not understand the meaning of what you say and wish you would be more explicit. Have you changed your mind, say so. I think you are not positive yourself if you love me or not and wish from all my heart you would tell me so and end the matter at once.

If Sister should write to you, better not answer her until you hear from me again. I received letters from home, contents of which I will write to you about some other time.

I believe Tillie you know me as little now as you did the first time you met me and if you are sorry for having made promises to me to soon, all I can say is that I am sorry for having asked for them to "soon". The remedy for all this lays in your own hands, you will find me willing to do anything you propose.

The photograph I asked you for I meant to keep myself and wanted one to send Mother. Miss Jolliffe I do not care sufficiently for, to show her your photograph and certainly would not give it to her.

Unfortunately, I have written to Sister about the photograph, you and me had taken in N.Y. by Brady. I fear Father will write to Brady for a copy. I think it best, if I write to Brady and prohibit the sale of anymore copies. Perhaps some of my friends may see it there and buy it, what in all probability would be disagreeable to you afterwards.

Fathers and Mothers letter is dated February 22, 23 and reached me at the same time yours did. Also one from Mrs. Searcy dated Feb. 21. There has been a strange calamity about these letters. Your letter made me sick at heart, I read it fast, next my parents letter, it made me terrible homesick and I longed to be once more with them. At last Mrs. Searcy letter which was written in such a sorrow and grief for which on this earth no balm can be found, that found myself after the perusal of all these letters with.

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That feeling of sadness and longing

That is not akin to pain

But resemble sorrow only

As the mist resembles the rain.

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Please answer soon.

Your Arnold Stub