*****

I can't believe he looked at me like that. With all the other stuff going on in my life I didn't need to be reminded of the `what could have beens'. What my life should probably be like right now instead of the soap opera that it is. It should've been simple - I should've just let it go. Instead, I was a coward then, as well. It seems to be a pattern. Now, it's gone - he's gone. Taken away by fate and Buffy and a roomful of misunderstanding. I've played it out differently in my mind so many times - imagined saying everything from nothing to `I love you'. Yet I always have to open my eyes again and see the truth for what it is.

~Flashback~

I'm lying here in my bed, pretending I'm asleep and hoping Spike will decide to let me, tonight. I don't get him, sometimes. I know he likes pushing people's buttons I often find myself wishing there could be something else. Only on the Hellmouth would I say this, but a chipped vampire is sadly the most constant testosterone I'm subjected to. I enjoy my friends and our work is important in an endless, thankless way. Just once in a while though, would it be too much to ask? To have someone, even a vampire someone, I could escape with? He walks, he talks, he eats normal food and it would be so easy to pretend. An hour or two wouldn't be too much to ask for.

"Whatcha thinkin', Harris?"

It's more of a statement than a question, but it's not his usual cutting remark so I respond. "Nothing. Let me go to sleep."

"Doesn't seem like I'm the one keeping you up."

Argh. I hate insightful vampires at one a.m. Sure, I did just say I wanted company, but this is a bit soon. "I need sleep, Spike, you're not gonna help by talking." And thankfully he's silent, which I should find odd but I'm too far gone to care. Shifting on the bed, I re-adjust my covers and try once again to fall asleep.

"I could help in other ways."

God, I've heard that voice before. Low, seductive and the fact that I just thought that word in relation to Spike is frightening. I try to pretend I didn't hear him, but the truth is I'm a masochist so I turn over to face him. "Dare I ask?" The light is low, but is that longing in his eyes? Being without Dru must be hitting him harder than I thought.

"Only ask if you want to, pet."

He called me `pet'; he never calls me that seriously. I'm still staring at his eyes - they're like these small pools of crystal blue water I could drown in. I know my brain is embellishing because it's too dark in here to actually see him that well. He's cast half in shadow, the only illumination from a few small windows just above ground level. It's a full moon tonight and the effect is breathtaking. I take a deep breath, look him straight in the eyes - "I'm asking." I'm crazy.

"C'mere."

Soft-spoken and direct, that single word cuts straight through me like an arrow and I can feel my cock twitching in my pants. Maybe it's because we've never been together after midnight, but Anya doesn't do this for me with just a word. Slowly, I get off the bed, barely registering the creak it makes as I stand. I move the few feet to where he's tied up to the chair staring at me and stand there like a man possessed.

"What do you want, Xander?"

My name sounds so beautiful and `right' coming off his lips and I respond without thinking. "You." He smiles gently at that, looking more like the man I imagine he was than the rough vampire he has become.

"I'm right here, anytime you want."

I can tell he wants to touch me, so I untie his ropes. In that moment I realize he was right all along - he couldn't hurt me and probably wouldn't anyway since I was being nice enough to put him up and buy his blood. As the ropes come loose he takes hold of my hand and gently guides me back to standing in front of him. For a moment we just stand there looking at each other; searching for the thing we both wanted and were equally afraid to ask for.

"You've never done this before, have you?"

It wasn't accusatory and I answer honestly. "No, never."

"Not even with Jesse?"

I had mentioned Jesse once in anger; I screamed at Spike that I couldn't believe I was housing and taking care of the very thing that killed my best friend. Finding out he was related to Darla hadn't helped. "No, I. I wanted to but he wasn't.wasn't like that." Oh hell, I'm crying. Note to self: buy sleeping pills at the drug store tomorrow. Late nights cause all sorts of embarrassing situations. Spike didn't laugh, though.

"It's ok, pet."

With his other free hand, he reaches up and brushes the tears away from my eyes. I shut them in defense, trying to keep from completely losing it. I have no idea who's sitting in front of me right now, but I don't care. I'm more than willing to go with this and find out. I haven't felt this way in my life, ever. When I trust myself enough, I open them again to find him looking at me quizzically.

"What do you want?"

"You asked me that, already. I'm not sure what you want me to say."

"I want you to tell me what else you want me to do besides sit here in this chair and stare at you."

His little smile breaks me and I look away, mumbling. "I don't know." Suddenly his fingers are back and stroking my face gently.

"It's alright, luv. There doesn't have to be anything else."

Spike withdraws his fingers and suddenly my face feels naked without his touch. I realize what got me up in the first place and I think about sleep once again. "Do you actually sleep?" After I ask the question I feel stupid, but he doesn't hold it against me.

"Yes, I do. Kinda feeling a bit tired now, actually."

He probably isn't, but I realize he's making it easy for me to ask for what I want. For once I don't pass up the opportunity. "You can sleep with me on the bed if you want. Probably more comfortable than the chair."

"Yeah, it would be a nice change."

Spike stands up, not quite meeting my height. I always like being taller than my partners and I'm secretly glad this is the case with him. Although I wouldn't call him a partner yet, I am seriously wanting to get him on the bed and cuddle around his body. I use the hold he has on my hand to lead us to the bed. He lets go of my hand and moves to take off his shirt, looking at me with questioning eyes. I nod slightly, letting him know it's ok. I have a preference when lying in bed with someone else, so as soon as his shirt is off, I quickly move back over to the right side pulling Spike down with me. He lies down quietly and I turn to embrace him. He melts into my touch and I realize it's probably been awhile since someone held him like this. I'm not sure what else to do, really, but my fingers have a mind of their own as they gently stroke patterns over his chest. Neither of us is speaking, but I know he must be feeling what I am. I haven't been this content in awhile and the last thought I have before falling asleep is how good it feels to have him here.

~End Flashback~

After that, we never went too far, but it was great to have him around. Our urgent fondling and heated make-out sessions probably would have gone somewhere, eventually, had I not given in to what I knew to be a lie.

Anya, and my total lack of ability to be anything but outwardly heterosexual.

I just couldn't stop being with her. I think she always knew something was wrong, but the utter newness of being human didn't allow her the depth of self-awareness she needed in order to process gut instinct. I did love her; I do still love her. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life with her. I could've gone somewhere with Spike had I chosen to. Instead I let my inner conflict get the best of me. I can still remember the day it all stopped for us - our point of no return.

".I'm way past through with you. I hate to break it to you, oh impotent one, but you're not the `Big Bad' anymore. You're not even the `kinda naughty'. You're nothing but a waste of space."

We had argued the night before about his lack of contribution. He found it hard to open up to me any other way than sexually, but I couldn't be content with just passion anymore to decipher his feelings. I told him I wasn't his slave - he told me he didn't want a slave. I called him a liar. He opened up to me then, more so than he ever had before. Told me about vampire relationships, about how if he were involved with anyone he would want to take care of them completely. He knew that it wouldn't work with me, since I was happy to be employed and he knew I craved independence. He felt useless anyway, with the chip and his low standing in his own community. He asked for time to sort himself out. I wanted to give him the time, wanted to support him in his change. I knew it was hard, but it was harder for me to accept I was falling in love. I held him that night knowing in my heart that I was at a crossroads, but not wanting to acknowledge just how close my decision was. We kissed and brought each other to completion - for a last time it wasn't bad.

--

I can only wish now for more as I sit here alone at the Bronze. I look around and see the table we played pool at last summer - the places around the club where I noticed him watching; always on the fringe and never quite a part of us. Things are complicated between all of us now and I'm not sure we can ever recover. I had my chance there at the pool table - I could have taken him back, focused his mind back on me instead of Buffy. Things have progressed to far though and I'm not even sure as much as I love him I want him back. His passion for Buffy overtook him, changing him into a man I barely know. My ignorance and blind need for normalcy has turned me into someone I barely recognize; so I sit here drinking my beer and trying to act like everything is fine when I know in my heart nothing ever really is around here.

~fin~