*****

Xander woke up all nestled in Angel's arms. They had been doing horizontal lambada for several months now, but he never stopped enjoying the feel of waking up in the vampire's arms.

"About time you woke up, sugar buns." Angel kissed Xander's neck.

Xander chuckled. "Are you looking at my neck, Deadboy?" He shivered with pleasure as Angel licked his neck, and sucked gently.

"No, babe, I'm not looking at your neck. I am, however, giving you the world's biggest hickey."

"Oooh, that's a fun way to start the day. Or, er night. Doing you is totally screwing up my sleep patterns." Xander ran his fingers through his lover's hair, pressing his head against his neck.

Angel rubbed his hard cock against Xander's, and moved his mouth to the teenager's, kissing him deeply and passionately, morning breath be damned. He moved his hand downwards to Xander's cock, and was stroking it when he was interrupted by a loud wail.

"Nooooooooooooo! Oh, why, God, WHY?"

"Oh, fucking perfect." Angel stopped his exploration of Xander's body and pulled on his pants. "What's his problem now?"

Xander sighed. "Maybe he killed a mouse, drank its blood and is going through the angst."

"I wasn't this annoying before, was I?"

"Well, you weren't exactly the poster boy for mental health at Christmas time." Xander shrugged. "I'm only going by Buffy's report though. She might have exaggerated."

Angel concentrated on not going into his game face, as it tended to scare Puppy. "Tell me again why I put up with him?"

"Because he's so damn annoying he keeps you from true happiness and therefore you keep your soul and don't try to kill us all?" Xander recited it without enthusiasm. Angel asked him this question at least twice a day, more so when Puppy was doing the undead male version of PMS.

Angel walked out into the living room, where Puppy was curled up in a ball, sobbing hysterically. Again. "What's wrong, Puppy?"

Puppy looked up. Angel noticed his red, puffy eyes and wondered if he looked that bad when he cried. "I killed it."

"You killed what?"

"It!" Puppy waved his hand frantically in the corner. Angel saw a small cockroach, which had been bitten in half. He looked at Puppy with a deep sense of disgust.

"You drained a cockroach. Raise your hand if ewww?" Angel heard Xander's voice softly echoing his ewww.

At the sound of Xander's voice, Puppy shuddered in fear. It had been a good two months since he came to this version of Sunnydale, yet the vampire still couldn't get over his terror of Xander. It didn't help matters when Xander would sneak up behind Puppy and shout "Boo!"

"D-don't let him hurt me, Angel." Puppy cowered. If he were an actual puppy, Angel would have been filled with compassion. Since it was his mentally unstable wimpy alter-ego, he was just annoyed.

"Xander would never hurt you, Puppy." //Unless if I asked him to.// Angel grabbed a paper towel, and dispensed with the roach's corpse. "Now, can you tell why you fed off a roach?"

"Well, I wanted to make friends with it. And when I was holding it and talking to it and then I could smell its blood and I had to take a taste and now I killed it." He blubbered for a few minutes. "I kill everything. I'm so evil. I should die."

//Wuss.// "Well, I'm sure he or she is in roach heaven now. But from now on, just stomp the fuckers. Those things are unsanitary, you don't know where they've been." Angel suppressed his gag reflex, trying not to think about Puppy's recent kill. Sure, he may have munched on a rat or two, but insects were a big ick for Angel. He had a touch of a phobia when it came to them.

"I took a life. Again." Puppy sobbed once more.

Angel patted Puppy's back. "There, there." He walked back into the bedroom and sat on the bed.

"Um, Xander hon, I'm not in the mood any more. I keep thinking about bugs."

Xander squeezed Angel's hand, ever mindful of his lover's phobias. "It's ok, I'm grossed out too."

"I'm so evil! I should be staked!" Puppy's voice came through the wall, amplified by the funky acoustics of the old mansion.

"I could break off one of the bed posts." Xander's eyes twinkled.

"No. I'm sure I'm paying off a huge karma debt here. Don't want to ruin that." Angel smiled. "But when he goes to sleep you can shout 'Boo!' at him if you want."

"Cool." Xander laughed and snuggled up to Angel.

In the early morning, Angel woke up Xander so he wouldn't be late for school. Xander dressed in an odd combo of an ugly green corduroy shirt and leather pants left over from the Angelus days. Angel winced at the outfit, and put on a fake smile when his lover kissed him bye.

On his way out of the mansion, Xander leaned over the sleeping Puppy, and shouted "Booga booga booga!" He laughed his ass off (not literally, fortunately for Angel) and left for school.

*****

Xander walked into the library, noticing Willow surfing the net, Oz peering over her shoulder, and Buffy and Giles looking upset. "What's up?"

Buffy sighed sadly. "Faith's still missing. Ever since she accidentally staked that human, she's been gone. She just ran off that night."

Giles interrupted. "We're wondering if she may have encountered a, ahem, Hellmouth-y fate."

"Like Puppy ate her?" Xander felt sad once he said that. Faith wasn't as good a lay as Angel, but, still, he liked her.

"Xander!" Buffy walked right up to him, glaring at him. "When will you get over your hatred for Angel?!?"

He smirked. "Trust me, Buff, I *don't* hate Angel. I don't even hate Puppy, as annoying as he can be. I just think he needs fixed."

"How can you say that, Xander? Puppy needs us!" Buffy looked pained. Or she had gas, Xander wasn't sure.

"Buff. Puppy tried to eat Cordelia. And not the way Wesley eats her, either." At the various raised eyebrows, Xander continued. "Oh come on, we all know they're boinking. Next time Wes comes in here, just make a comment about Cordy nearly being eaten. The way his eye twitches is beautiful."

Buffy kept on fuming, but Giles and Xander ignored her. Willow continued surfing NC-17 net sites, commenting every so often to Oz about how they should try this or that. Wesley walked in, looking downtrodden.

"I'm afraid I couldn't find any clues as to Faith's whereabouts. It's as if she literally disappeared." Wes sighed, and took off his glasses to clean them. They weren't dirty; he just cleaned them whenever he couldn't think of anything else to say or do. It was a bit like how a cat would wash itself in similar circumstances.

Giles placed a sympathetic arm (the rest of him was feeling rather snarky) on Wes' shoulder. "I'd hate it if Faith was eaten, you know the way Cordelia nearly was *eaten*." He put an extra emphasis on the last word.

Wesley's eye immediately began to twitch. If the rest of his head followed suit, he could have been on "Ally McBeal". Giles grinned at the idea of a pulsing Wesley head, but then frowned as he worried about the Scooby Gang ever finding out his secret "Ally" addiction. It was bad enough when Xander found out he watched "Felicity".

Speaking of Xander, he was grinning at Giles' evil torture of Wes. He always loved it when Giles was bad. And he wanted Giles to be even more bad. Xander then had an idea. Yes, it definitely was an idea. He then had a plan. Yes, it most assuredly was a plan. He grinned at his genius, until he noticed that his wicked grin was freaking out Buffy and Wes. He stopped grinning, and excused himself to get some water. As he left, Giles quirked an eyebrow. Something was afoot.

*****
Part 2:

Giles read a manual on space-time distortions, trying to figure out how the heck Puppy ever got to their world. This particular book gave no clues, just useless Trekkie technobabble. Perhaps Xander could be of use. He got up and walked out of the library, looking for the absent teenager. Wesley followed him, walking behind him so closely that when Giles stopped for a moment, Wes accidentally ran into his butt.

"Wesley. I didn't know you cared."

"Ahem. Sorry, Mr. Giles. I was thinking about something we've overlooked in the excitement over Puppy's appearance."

Giles took off his glasses and put on his patented concerned look. "Yes?"

Wes followed suit by taking off his glasses. "I was doing some reading on Angel. Our Angel, not Puppy Angel. And if I understand correctly, his soul was lost in a rather, um, intimate moment with Buffy?"

Giles squinted at Wes. "Yes, that's what we believe."

Wes squinted back. "Well, I fear the same thing might be happening again, or may happen."

"Oh?" The former Watcher quirked his eyebrow once more, but Wes couldn't see the movement without his glasses.

"Well, I have reason to suspect that Angel, not the Puppy, is doing the old slap and tickle with...Xander."

"And your basis for these suspicions are?"

Wes held out his fingers, counting off on each one. "First, they have a history of animosity and yet have been acting quite amicably since I have known them. Second, we know that neither Angel nor Xander have a current partner. Third, they've spent a great deal of time with each other. Fourth, Xander has come to school wearing items of clothing that clearly are Angel's. A good example would be those pants he is wearing today. Fifth, and finally, all vampires are bi. Surely you know that, Mr. Giles."

Giles smiled. "Ah yes, _All Vampires are Bi_. It was one of my favorite books when I was in training."

Wes smiled as well, remembering the explicit engravings. "So, Mr. Giles, I believe that we have a problem."

"Well, I think we can safely assume that Angel's soul is still with him for the moment. He hasn't tried to kill or torture anyone, at least. It's not as if he tried to..." Giles smiled evilly. "eat Cordy."

Wesley, overstimulated by the idea of bi vampires and eating Cordelia, did a full body twitch. Unfortunately, Giles still had his glasses off, so he could not fully appreciate his handiwork. When he finally recovered, Wes spoke.

"Well, we need to determine why he hasn't lost his soul, in spite of resuming carnal activties. Perhaps it's not the sexual activity that causes the soul loss? Or maybe Xander is a less than adequate lover." Wes paused when he heard a scoffing laugh, but without his glasses, he couldn't determine the laugh's source. "Or perhaps there is a source of angst for Angel that is so strong, so painful, it overcomes any joy that he takes in Xander."

Giles and Wesley stood there, thinking for a few seconds, until they both realized it.

"Puppy!" They exclaimed.

"Well, it would seem as long as Puppy stays near Angel, his soul is safe," Wes concluded.

Giles grimaced. "I had a rather disgusting random thought."

"Yes?"

"What if Puppy is bi as well? He could develop longings for Xander, and then Angel would kill him, of course, endangering his soul." Giles shuddered at the idea of a bi Puppy.

Wesley pondered the idea. "I don't think it would be a problem. Xander's a bottom if I've ever seen one, and Puppy has bottom written on his forehead. I doubt Angel would consider the twit a true rival for Xander's affections."

Giles' eyebrow quirked for the last time in this fanfic, damnit. "Oh? I didn't know you were that knowledgeable, Wesley."

Wes grinned and leered at Giles. "I did go to public school, Mr. Giles."

Unseen by the two nearsighted Englishmen, Xander stood at the end of the hall, spying on them. He smiled, knowing that the first phase of his plan, letting Giles know about him and Angel, had come to fruition. Because of Wesley's independently reached conclusions, he didn't even have to tell him. Wes was a good, well, Xander couldn't compare him to a puppy. Wes was a good..birdie. Yes, he was a good birdie. Xander waited until Giles left, and then ran up to Wes, grabbed him, and threw him in the nearest utility closet.

"Hi, Wesley." Xander pushed the Watcher on the floor.

"Well, hello, Xander." Wes put on his glasses finally so he could discern Xander's expression. When he did, he decided he was in some deep caca.

"Less than adequate?" The teen straddled Wes, rubbing his crotch against the other man's.

"Oh, you heard that. Well, I was speculating there. Um, could you let me up?"

"Eventually." Xander pulled off Wes' trousers and underwear. "But for now, I think it's lesson time."

"Oh dear." Wes resigned himself to his fate.

"It's your first time." Xander stroked his thigh. "I'll go soft on ya this time." He started counting off his fingers. "First, I am a great shag, if I do say so myself. Second, although I am a bottom, I'm also a top. And third...I'm also a dom." He flipped a surprised Wes onto his stomach, and began to spank the Watcher's ass. When that ass was nice and pink, he ceased his discipline, and softly stroked Wes. "Have we learned something here, Wesley?"

"Y-yes, I have, I will never ever assume that you are in any way an inadequate lover."

"And?" Xander pinched a buttcheek.

Wesley looked back at Xander in confusion. Then he realized. "And, you're a dom."

"And?"

"You're *my* dom. And I'm your ever loyal sub, sir." Wes smiled hopefully.

Xander leaned forward and kissed Wesley. "And you're a very good sub. Took no time at all. You did this in public school, huh?" Wes nodded. Xander kissed a pink cheek. "On your hands and knees, babe."

"Yes, sir." Wesley complied.

Xander pulled off his pants and pressed a well-lubed finger into Wes, gently preparing him. As he entered him, Wesley heard him whisper "One Watcher down, another to go."

*****
Part 3:

Giles was surprised to see the normally punctual Wesley finally enter the library after 20 minutes, and was even more surprised to see the Watcher walking funny.

Xander returned a few minutes later, a very self-satisfied look on his face. Giles quirked, no he didn't quirk his eyebrow. He does that way too often in fanfic. He did express his surprise in a way that was very Giles. In other words, yeah, he quirked his eyebrow. But this time he also took off his glasses and put them back on for emphasis, so this wasn't a total fic cliche.

"Well, Xander, it's good to know you've decided to rejoin us." Giles smiled, hiding his suspicion for now.

Xander smiled back, looking like the crocodile that ate the dog that ate the cat that ate the canary. "So, any new info about Faith?"

Giles' face was somber again. "Alas, no."

"Tell him my theory! Please!" Buffy piped in, bouncing up and down.

"Theory?" Xander couldn't wait to hear this.

"Yeah." Buffy grinned. "See, when Puppy crossed over to our world, there had to be another life in that world. And since Angel's still here, maybe the other world sucked in Faith. And she's there now, fighting vamps. Or maybe dead. Wow, I wonder if another Slayer would be called if she died in another universe. Probably not." Buffy looked a bit too satisfied at the idea of being "The One Girl In All The World" again.

"Um," Giles cleaned his glasses for distraction. "I don't know if the metaphysics of alternate universes works like that. All we really know about this is garnered from, well, transcripts of Star Trek episodes. Apparently, no Watcher has ever encountered this."

"It's a true enigma," Wesley offered. When Xander made eye contact with him, he blushed.

"So," began Xander. "Is this like that 'Mirror, Mirror' ep or the lameo ones on DS9?"

Oz stopped nuzzling Willow's neck. "I think it's like that Babylon 5 ep 'War Without End'. You know, the one where the Shadows go back in time to screw up the last war with the Minbari? It showed a possible future. And Puppy's world is a possible future, if things sucked."

"Fanboy," Xander teased, taking a moment to leer at his best friend's man.

"Wow, I never head you speak in a whole paragraph before." Buffy shook her head.

"Happens." Oz went back to being incommunicado.

Giles took off his glasses, took out the lenses, and put them back in for no particular reason. "I guess that means that one of us has to go back in time and become Valen."

"Well, gee, who has a big enough Messiah complex to do that?" Cordelia strolled in, which wasn't very easy to do since she was wearing four-inch 'fuck me' heels.

The entire Scooby Gang gaped at Cordelia. She was wearing a very low-cut black dress which ended only a few inches below her derriere. When she leaned forward to pick up a pencil that she accidentally dropped (well, actually, Xander jostled it from her grasp), they all (except Buffy) held their breath at her cleavage. Cordy looked up at them, oblivious to their reason for staring. "What, what? Do I have something on my chest?"

Wesley, Xander, Giles, Oz, and Willow all said "Not yet."

Cordy shrugged, which made her jiggle fetchingly. "Well, I need books. Something about vampires being bi. Also, I'm here to insult Xander's family and clothing, and flirt with Wesley."

"Ah." Giles checked out the book, wondering why her teachers would assign such a book. "There you go."

"Great." Cordy took the book and turned to Xander. "Your family is majorly dysfunctional and you wear ugly clothing."

"Actually, Angel and I held an intervention with my mom, dad, uncles, and cousins. They're all 12 stepping it. I guess seeing a vampire go into game face inspires people." Xander indicated his outfit. "And, my clothing is ugly, but that just highlights how good I look out of it."

Wesley, Oz, Cordy, and Willow gave knowing smiles. Giles' smile was more speculative, but he was able to imagine it rather well.

Cordy noticed Wes' smile, and stormed right up to Xander, growling quietly, "I can't believe you fucked my not-boyfriend!"

"I was proving a point. Anyway, you have this total sub here and you're squandering him! It's a total waste!" Xander stared her down, which wasn't easy, 'cuz, well, it's Cordy.

"Actually," Cordy's voice grew more quiet. "I was trying to butch him up. He's a cutie, but he submits way too easily."

"Oh. Sorry about that." Xander fluttered his eyelashes in apology.

Cordy got an evil idea, and smiled. "Well, how about next Friday, you get to be *his* sub. A little role reversal. After all, Angel taught you so well."

Buffy, who hadn't been listening to the conversation but had a kind of radar that picked up any mention of Angel, faced down Xander. "What are you guys saying about Angel? Admit it Xander, you've been jealous of him ever since the beginning!"

Everyone else in the room went "Pfffft!" Buffy ignored them and kept berating Xander until the sun went down and Angel decided to visit the library, 'cuz his ears were burning. Not literally.

"What's up, Metaphysically-challenged Boy?" Xander grinned at Buffy's glare.

"I was trapped for over nine hours with Puppy, having to listen to him play 'Blasphemous Rumors' on the CD player over and over again. I used to like that song." Angel sighed, slumping his shoulders. Even his hair slumped.

Oz looked up. "Isn't that the song about the girl who tries to kill herself, then decides she wants to live, and then gets hit by a car, goes into a coma and dies?"

Angel nodded. "Yeah, and then it gets depressing."

Xander walked over to Angel and nearly hugged him until he realized that Buffy was watching. So he patted him on the back. "God, nine hours of that. He couldn't have played 'Master and Servant' once in a while?"

"Well actually, it was two hours and then I broke the CD player. Then he started to sing the lyrics." Angel leaned over and spoke sotto voce, " And we're the ones who play master and servant."

Xander grinned and waggled his eyebrows and wiggled his nose. He looked like a lecherous bunny wabbit. Giles noticed his actions, and made a mental note to confront the teenager later. And then he notarized the note, 'cuz he liked to be precise.

Buffy's face crumpled. "Puppy must be depressed. He needs someone. How could you abandon him like that?" She glared at Angel.

"Buffy, it was either leave the mansion or stake the guy."

"Face it Buffy, the guy is damned annoying," Xander added.

She stamped her foot. "You just hate him because he looks like Angel. You've--"

"ALWAYS HATED ANGEL," the entire Scooby Gang finished for her.

At this point, Puppy entered the library, because the author couldn't think of a satisfactory way to end the scene. His expression was like--well, picture if Mulder from the "X Files" was told that his puppy < snerk > died, and Scully had cancer, and his sister was gone forever, and Krycek was marrying Skinner, all at once.

Buffy ran to comfort the hangdog Puppy, nearly running over Xander in the process. Ignoring Xander's glare, she jumped on Puppy, who almost smiled at her affection. Or maybe it was gas.

While Buffy and Puppy were cuddling, the rest of the Scooby Gang left the library, nauseated at their display. As Xander was heading off a couple of feet behind Angel, Giles stopped Xander.

"Xander, I would like to speak with you." He indicated Angel. "Alone."

Xander nodded at Angel, and mouthed the words "Later, sexy gator," at his lover.

Giles and Xander went into a nearby utility closet to talk in privacy. The Watcher didn't notice his evil smile when he closed the door.

"Xander, I know that you're having a...liason of some sorts with Angel. Are you completely aware of the consequences?"

"Giles, we're completely alone in this closet." Xander stepped closer. "Are *you* completely aware of the consequences?"

The Watcher swallowed, suddenly nervous, and wished that there was enough space between him and Xander so he could take off his glasses and clean them as a delaying tactic. Then Xander moved even closer, and plucked off his glasses. He leaned in, his lips inches away from Giles'. His pulse quickened, and his breathing grew louder. He could smell the leather of the pants Xander borrowed from Angel. He had noticed before how tightly they fit the young man, and knew that Xander was not wearing any underwear. Xander leaned in further, and wet his lips with his tongue. Giles closed his eyes, anticipating the kiss. Nothing. After several seconds, he opened them, and saw Xander nonchalantly cleaning his glasses.

At Giles' questioning look, Xander smiled. "There was a little speck on them." He handed the glasses back to him.

"Ah, yes, w-well thank you." It had been a while since Giles stammered.

"Well, Giles, I have to admit, Angel and I have been trying to figure out what's been happening with that. How about you come over the mansion tonight, bring some books, and we'll talk about it? I'll threaten Puppy with a tape of 'Old Yeller' so he won't bug us."

"That sounds like a good idea. Is nine good?"

"It's a date." Xander waggled his eyebrows. "Just kidding."

Giles turned to leave, and felt the slightest flutter of Xander's lips against the back of his neck. He turned around quickly. "Xander?"

His face was as innocent as an angel's. Or Angel. "Just straightening your collar, Giles."

Giles blushed a twee. "Ah, yes, well, thank you. Um, again."

"Anytime." Xander walked past Giles, making sure to brush his leather clad man parts against Giles' ass as he left the closet. "Later gater."

*****
Part 4:

That night...

Willow finished putting the bobby pins in her hair. She had pulled it up in a French twist, which complemented her Joan Crawford-like dress suit. She completed the look with dark red lipstick and high heels.

Oz came out of the bathroom, dressed in a boy's sailor suit. He was wearing a cute little hat, and had freckles drawn on with an eyebrow pencil. His eyes were wide, like a puppy dog (not Angel), and he was licking an oversized lollipop.

"Was Oz a good boy today?" Willow walked over to him, and stroked his cheek.

"Yes." He continued licking the treat.

"Are you telling Mommy Willow the truth?"

"Yes." His guilty look told otherwise.

"Oz, dear, I don't believe you. Are you lying to Mommy Willow?"

He looked down in shame. "Yes, Mommy, I lied. I was a bad boy today. A very bad boy."

Willow picked up a nice, large hairbrush. "Now, first I'm going to punish you for lying to me. Then, I'm going to punish you for being a bad boy. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Mommy."

She sat down on the edge of the bed, and he dutifully pulled off his pants (and little Scooby underoos) and lay down on her lap. Mommy Willow rubbed the bristles of the brush against his bare ass, creating a warm friction. Then she turned it around, and whapped him with the non-bristly side. Oz gasped.

"Count them." Willow rubbed the bristles against him again.

"One, Mommy Willow."

WHAP!

"Two, Mommy Willow."

WHAP!

"Three, Mommy Willow."

WHAP!

"Four, Mommy Willow."

(And so on and so forth, until the spanks reach thirteen, 'cuz Will's a witch, with one smack to grow on)

Oz got off of her lap, and kneeled in front of her. Willow smiled down at her good boy, and lifted her skirt. (And no, the author will not mention if she's a natural redhead or not. That's priviledged information.)

*****

Cordelia ran, her full bosom heaving in her silk nightgown. She paused for a moment, her eyes wide with fear, and looked back at her pursuer.

"Oh, Wesley, my love, please save me from the evil vampire!" She nearly swooned, and held her hand to her chest, which was still heaving majorly.

Wes ran to her, and swooped her up in his arms. "You are safe, my dearest love. I, um, line?"

Cordy rolled her eyes. "You killed him with your bare, masculine hands, remember?"

"Ah, yes. I killed him with my bare, masculine hands."

"Oh, my Wesley, you saved me! How shall I ever repay you?"

He carried her over to the bed, and put her on it.

"You can give me your untouched, innocent maidenhead, Miss Cordelia."

"But if I give you my womanhood, I shall be ruined forever!" She tossed her hair in defiance. "I am but an innocent virgin!"

Cordy rolled her eyes. "You killed him with your bare, masculine hands, remember?"

"Ah, yes. I killed him with my bare, masculine hands."

"Oh, my Wesley, you saved me! How shall I ever repay you?"

He carried her over to the bed, and put her on it.

"You can give me your untouched, innocent maidenhead, Miss Cordelia."

"But if I give you my womanhood, I shall be ruined forever!" She tossed her hair in defiance. "I am but an innocent virgin!"

Buffy held Puppy in her arms. He had been crying on her shoulder (and getting snot there) for over an hour. She found herself tearing up too, because his pain was hers, and vice versa.

"What happened, Puppy? You can tell me." Buffy had her "I care" expression on. It looked like she was constipated.

Puppy clutched Mr. Gordo. "Well, I was on my way over here, and I met this guy. He said he knew you, and we were talking about you. And then I could smell his blood, and it smelled so good, so I bit him and drained him, and I felt so guilty I sired him but when he woke up, he was evil and I felt more guilty, and then I started talking about how guilty I felt and he got a stick and staked himself. I'm a killer. I'm evil." He broke down sobbing once again.

"Who did you vamp?"

"He said his name was *sob* Scott Hope." Buffy hid a smile. "Puppy, it's ok. You can work this out. Let's go over to Angel's and we'll talk."

"We can't." Puppy looked even more depressed. (Is that possible? Man, I'm chronically depressed and I am a lot chirpier than this guy) "Angel's probably sleeping with Xander, and he doesn't like me bugging him."

"Pardon?" Buffy was getting pissed off, which meant she looked *really* constipated.

"He doesn't like me bugging him." Puppy choked back a tear.

"No, before that, what did you say?"

Puppy was getting a little scared of Buffy now. "I said that he's probably sleeping with Xander."

"Is that so, huh?"

"Um, yeah." Puppy cowered.

"Well." Buffy plucked Mr. Gordo from Puppy's arms and kissed him. (Puppy, not Mr. Gordo)

"Buffy, what are you doing?"

Buffy ripped off his shirt. "Whatever I want to."

*****
Part 5:

The lovers sat facing each other, their legs and arms intertwined. Their bodies together resembled a lusty lotus flower. They breathed completely in sync with each other, gazing into each other's eyes. She stroked the back of his neck, and he mirrored her action. Wave after wave of pleasure rolled over them as her yoni enveloped his lingam. In other words, they were having really great sex.

She kissed a trail from his neck up to his ear, and whispered softly, "Hey, babe, ya think we can come now? I got a leg cramp."

He chuckled. "You need to do more yoga. Increase your endurance."

She stuck her tongue out at him. "It's been two hours."

Her lover smiled, and touched his tongue to hers. He moved his hand down and slowly caressed her clitoris in small circles. His other hand rubbed her perky nips. She arched her back, thrusting herself into his hand, while clutching him inside her. They came together, kissing and embracing each other.

She got up, and went over to a bowl of exotic fruit that had put on a table earlier. Munching on some papaya and kiwi, she looked over at her lover.

"Man, this gets me hungrier than even slaying." She crunched on some seeds. "Speaking of which, when are we going to visit the gang?"

Allan hesitated. "Well, you still have some jealousy issues with Buffy, you know."

"I know, but it's not like I'm gonna do something drastic like, um," She looked sheepish. "Like stabbing a guy with a stake when he's not a vampire."

Allen got up and hugged her. "'Twas but a scratch."

"I know." Faith rested her head on his chest, which bore no scar whatsover from that incident. "I still feel like shit though."

"Aw, sweetie." He kissed her, gently at first, and then increasing in passion. She jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist.

"So babe." She leered. "Ready for another round?"

*****

Giles quirked (yeah, I used that word again) his brow. He was at Angel's home, trying to figure out why the vampire still had his soul.

"Perhaps Puppy's preventing you from achieving complete happiness?"

Angel shrugged. "Maybe. He's annoying as hell. But Xander and I get a lot of happiness from tormenting the idiot."

"I can't blame you." Giles moved to take off his glasses, but realized that they were already off. "Maybe it's because you can't be with Buffy?"

Angel and Xander just looked at Giles.

The Watcher chuckled. "Well, that was a long shot. I cannot fathom why you still have your soul."

"Oh, oh, oh!" Xander's hand shot up. "Maybe when Willow gave Angel his soul, it was one of those final sale things!"

Giles looked doubtful. "Pardon?"

"You know, when you're at a flea market of whatever, and when you buy it, it's not returnable. A final sale."

"Ah, yes, I see."

Angel grinned. "Well, at least you got something from dating Cordy."

Xander ruffled his lover's hair, knowing that messing Angel's hair always annoyed him. Maybe if Xander was lucky, Angel would spank him later on.

"Smart ass." Angel looked at Giles. "How about we table this discussion and get back to fucking?"

Giles kissed Angel, who was positioned on his back on the bed, and started to thrust into the vampire's ass once more. Xander moved his cock in Giles' ass (he still wanted Giles to mount him, but Angel won the coin toss).

The trio thrust together, finding a rhythym together (a sort of jazzy salsa combo, with light African drum). The new lovers made the sign of the two (well, three) backed beast, and forgot for a while about a world filled with annoying vampires, whiny Slayers, and crack head plot twists thanks to Joss. They did the thrusting and moaning thing for a while, and then finally came. You think it's hard for two people to orgasm simultaneously? Try three.

They collapsed in each other's arms, and slept in a tangle of limbs and salty goodness.

*****

Puppy was awake. Buffy nodded off a while ago, and was drooling on the pillow. He stroked her over-bleached hair, and wandered around her bedroom. He paused when he saw Mr. Gordo, the stuffed pig. He picked up the critter, and held it tightly. Moving quietly, he put Mr. Gordo on the floor, and undid his pants. He rubbed himself against the fuzzy pig, his gaze never leaving the loving porcine eyes. He came, spurting his salty not-so-goodness on the carpet, because he'd never soil his beloved Mr. Gordo.

After the spasms of the orgasm subsided, Puppy found himself in pain. Because he wasn't very bright, he thought he had gas, and wondered what food Scott ate before he ate him. The pain went away after a few minutes, and he ran out of the house, shouting, "Mr. Gordoooooooooo!"

Puppy was gone. Bad Dog was back.

~end~