Listening to his own breathing he could feel that ball of emotion throbbing along with the part of him that *always* got him into trouble. Xander with the smart mouth and *stupid* stupid dick and he thanked whatever gods were listening that Spike was asleep. < He was asleep right? > The urge to look itched behind his eyeballs but somehow he couldn't. Somewhere in that back of his mind a little voice told him if he turned he'd see Spike looking back smirking because he'd *know* and right now DeNile was a good place to be. Somewhere between fighting for his life in a graveyard and waking up in a white room at the Sunnydale General Spike wanting him, *really* wanting him started to matter.
He'd know, and in the real world no way would a hundred plus Master Vamp waste time on a Dumped-by-everybody he's*ever* been with Donut boy! He was good enough to hang with and listen to the Bleached bad obsess after Buffy but knew he couldn't compare to the Buffster, she was all strength and light and Super Hero gal and he was Joe Average. By the time he'd finished ripping what ego he had to pieces Xander could name every crack in the ceiling and the sun was way past spotty adolescence.. He knew he'd lost a couple of hours someplace between pulling out his insecurities and trying them on!
**
Spike drifted from sleep to clean sheets, soft pillows, warmth and a heartbeat. A rhythmic thud telling him the Whelp was awake and hard! He could smell it, smothering the air like molasses rich and strong and pulsing off the lad in waves. < Must be thinking about the ex-demon > thought Spike. Opening his eyes he could see Xander staring at the ceiling, Whelp didn't know he was awake; probably a good thing didn't want him getting all flustered. Doc said to keep him quiet and being caught with a woody by the vampire houseguest, who just happened to be in bed with you uninvited, wasn't the path to Nirvana.
Spike watched him quietly in the dim light seeing a clear profile and soft mouth and skin stretched too tightly over pale cheeks. Poor bugger, it was a long time since he'd been human but he still remembered the mugging that gave him his one sexy yet interesting scar.
Walking home with a book of poetry, head in the clouds thinking of Cicely.
*Your beauty brings my heart a-flutter
Your grace and goodness shine
I would give the world to you
And make my heart your shrine*
Down a crowded street oblivious pencil in hand and turning down a dark alley because mother did *not* approve of tardiness.
Bloody pillock.
Spike closed his eyes. For the first time in a *long* line he felt needed. A lot of things in his unlife were gong to hell in a handcart, but Xander? Xander was a spark of warmth on a cold night < someplace to hide when the shit hits the fan >.. And that was a good thing, right?
They were friends, buds, talking about women, drinking < rubbing warm oil into smooth > BEER, Drinking beer! And this, this was good. Taking care of him < sleeping with him > sleeping *SLEEPING*. Spike gave himself a mental punch. OK, he wasn't getting any. Yes! All right he was horny and smelling the Whelp all musky and *hot* wasn't helping any, but this was.. nice < vomit! > *Nice* un why push his luck?. < maybe he could just roll over in his, ahum sleep and just accidentally.. >
BAD VAMPIRE. BAD *HORNY* VAMPIRE!
He had all these conflicting emotions churning around inside of him, love, hate, want, need? Pushing his confusion away he concentrated on the rhythmic drum of Xander's heart to lull him back to sleep.
**
Xander must have fallen asleep again because waking later and opening his eyes with a snap Xander had to take a minute. In bed, my bed. That's good . and pain. AW .. And *no Spike*, just.. Spike pillow. Xander turned stiffly and buried his nose in the soft feathers taking a breath. Spike smell, nice and Spike being all Protecty Vamp. *MY HUMAN. UG!* sort of gave him a gooshy feeling. Xander could feel a goofy grin trying to break free..
"You awake then?"
WHOHA!! Other side, < heart? Get outer my mouth and back where you belong > and there was the bleached Menace himself, all broody yet sexy lounging on the side of the bed watching him < gulp > and smoking.
< Smoking? >
"Spike have I mentioned the "*No Smoking* in the bedroom" rule I just invented?"
Spike blew a smoke ring "Have I mentioned I don't *give* a shit?" and smirked.
Xander screwed his face in manly concentration while waiting for his heart to travel back down. Pushing aside the throbbing body parts.. < No not *that* body part thank god! > Xander took a breath "How can you *Give* a shit Spike. I mean, GROSS! .. *So* not the kind of gift I'd want ta receive. and who first said that? Because, you know. *Disturbed much* and AW!" Xander tried to sit up "AW OW . AW" pushing his elbows behind him.
Spike watched Xander trying to push himself up, he liked the way the Whelp looked all-vulnerable laid out in that starchy gown. Stubbing his cigarette on the floor he reached over and pulled him up. Xander let out a breathy "Oof" as his head connected with the wall (see all the pretty colours?) and groaned. It was the kind of groan that usually came with a Free Hangover (or lack of prescription medication). < DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS. >
"Spike?"
Spike took a good look at the dishevelled specimen. Xander looked all pale sweaty skin and bed head, face all puckered, bandage askew and 5 o'clock shadow coming out way too early.
"You need a bath!"
"Spike?"
"You really bloody stink"
"*Spike*?" Xander nearly shouted.
"*What?*"
"Kind of in pain here?" Xander tried to lean forward and use the Willow stare.." Medication?. Needing some relief, from the ouches?"
Up went the eyebrow, (just couldn't resist it) feigning surprise. "Oh, *that* kind of relief."
Xander's eyebrows followed Spike's. Spike was being all flirty? < Definite flirtation vibes here! >
Wriggling out a plastic Meds bottle from the pocket of his jeans Spike flicked two white pills into the palm of his hand and reached across the night stand for a glass of water.
Xander just stared at the white pills in one hand and the glass of water in the other.
"I think I can feed myself my own pills you .. Ouf"
"OK, Pills in" said Spike as he finally found a way to shut that smart mouth.
"know . Ugh" < Nasty > "How come they only make the nice sugary stuff for kids?"
As the medication started to dissolve on his tongue "Sike? Warer, Kow." Xander gulped the water like it was going to disappear .. < Hey, it has! > And watched as Spike put the empty glass back onto the night stand.
"Right, pills done. Bath time!"
Water dripping from his open mouth Xander stared. If Spike thought he was getting out of bed for anything short of a apocalypse he had another thing coming, *BUB*!
"I *so* don't think so!"
Spike wrinkled his nose "You Stink!"
"I do *Not* stink. I have a manly odour, which some women find strangely attractive!"
If the Whelp wasn't going to get off his backside and take a bloody bath. NOW!
"Well, *I* don't find it strangely anything. You *stink*!"
"I'm *Not* getting up. I'm all, achy un sore and."
"And if you're not getting up I'm just gonna have to *get you up!"
Oop, Flash. Spike, Up!. < Xander Down! >
Being carried across the apartment by Spike should have been material for any number of Xander wet dreams but being slung over Spike's shoulder like a sack of potatoes somehow didn't cut it! < but it did give him a *real* good view of Spike's butt >
Perching Xander on the closed toilet seat Spike checked the temperature of the bath he'd run earlier.
"OK mate, get em off"
Suddenly Xander felt shy. OK, so Spike had seen him naked,.. Ok, *felt* him naked. But that wasn't in the cold light of (sobriety) day!!
"Er, you gonna leave now or what?"
Spike pulled his hand out of the warm water and looked at the Whelp perched on the toilet seat. Voice taking on a softer tone. "How you gonna get out of that" Spike gestured toward the elegant yet sexy white number with decorative *full* back split "Thing! If I don't help you?"
Xander paused mouth open. Ok, Spike had a point. Another thought crawled across.
"How am I gonna wash?" Xander could feel himself blushing starting at the neck and travelling Alll the way down.
Spike picked up the sponge sitting on the side of the bath and the soap keeping it company.
"*You*, You are *NOT* giving me a bath!"
"Don't be a pillock"
"I'm *Not* getting in the bath with you"
"That's alright then because I'm not *getting* in the bath with you"
"You're not *washing* me" Xander spluttered "I, I'm a grown Man. I have Manly parts and I'm *not* being given a bath like a baby!"
"*Get* in the bath!"
"*No* Way!"
Spike was beginning to loose patience.
"GET IN THE BATH"
"*NO*"
"*GET.IN THE BLOODY BATH*" Reaching out so fast it was a blur Spike grabbed Xander by the front of the hospital shirt, hauled him over to the bath, plopped him in and pulled off the gown.
"AHH" Xander's hands flew to cover the parts that were currently floating flaccidly in the water.
**
God! this was *SO* embarrassing. Spike rubbing soap across his back like it was nothing. Xander sat legs stretched out and hands trying to cover what was left of his modesty. Stripped bare, literally.!
"So, come here often?" followed by girlie giggle.
"Lift your arms"
Xander looked down, looked back, looked down again and gave Spike a pathetic stare.
"Oh bloody hell" Spike tossed the sponge at the lad "Here!".
Pulling his knees up Xander wedged the sponge over his lap and tentatively lifted his arms. Spike soaped his hands and started to knead stiff muscles working along arms and back, over his chest and shoulders, working out all the soreness with deft fingers.
Oh, this was *really* nice. Looovely pain meds kicking in, the rhythmic splash of water and Spike kneading his neck muscles, pushing him back and rubbing across his chest. < Huh? >
"Spike, I think we're done here"
"What?"
Xander licked his lips "You've *done* here already!"
Spike stopped, the Whelp's chest was a mass of bubbles.
"Sorry, er.. sorry!"
"Spike? Did you just *apologise* to me?"
"No!"
"You so did!"
God, what was he thinking? "Did not!"
Xander closed his eyes just before Spike smeared his face, spitting bubbles he opened a stinging eye. He could see Spike, arms completely covered in bubbles a frown pulling at his face. He looked, again, distracted? disturbed? .. lots of words beginning with "D" < distressed? >. "Sure you did.. you ok?"
Was he Ok? < Good question their mate >. "Fine. Course I'm fine. I'm the *Big bloody Bad* . I'm always fine"
Hallmark moment! as blue eyes locked with chocolate brown.
"Love sucks hu?"
Spike nodded.
"But, hey. You've always got me". A bubble covered smile and Spike felt a lump in this throat and smiled a lopsided grin back.
"Yeah, I've always got you luv".
*******
Nearly a whole day of looking after the Whelp. Helping him take a bath (dopey grin), feeding him.. and being checked up on by the Slayer!
**
Dumping a bag of groceries by the door Buffy almost expected the Big Bad < ha > to pounce on her. He'd been acting real strange around her lately, being all *Nice Spike* and *Nasty Vampires can change!*, weird! It was really giving her the wiggins.. and the *love* thing? Just plain .. Ugg.. TOO gross to even *think* about. Pushing back her hair she picked up the TV remote and muted the sound just as Spike popped his head up from behind the kitchen counter.
"JEEZE.... Spike! Is that your new way to bag yourself another Slayer? Scare me to death?"
Spike felt his heart do that lurch thing it did lately whenever she was around. Grabbing the mug of blood on the counter and taking a drink "Would it work?"
"Almost as well as you *other* cunning plans!" Buffy smiled sweetly and sat.
Spike studied the mug in his hand as the silence grew..
"So.. Want a drink then?"
. "Sure.. I guess. Where's Xander?"
"Asleep"
"That's good right? He's OK?"
"Yeah, he's fine. Taking care of him aren't I?" < Why did she always make him feel like he wasn't good enough? >
"That's why I'm here. Willow sent me over with some stuff" pointing with her head "food and stuff, over there"
Spike followed her gaze "Watcher send me anything?"
"A stake with *For Spike* written on it?"
"Ha bloody Ha!"
"Whatever. He sent you a couple of bags of blood and a bottle of Jack Daniels. They're all in the mini cooler"
Spike smiled. "Gee Spike, they don't have glasses where you're from?"
Spike wiped his mouth "Why, you want some?" and held the bottle out.
Buffy pulled a face "Ew! Hygiene much? and No.." frowning "I hope your not exposing Xander to all your disgusting Vampire coodies"
"Told you. I'm taking *good* care of him"
"Well, I'm watching you. You hurt Xander and.."
"And what? You'll bore me to death? Doing that already pet"
"Don't call me *Pet*!"
Spike could feel annoyance start to bubble. How could he love somebody who irritated him so much?
Buffy sighed "Look. I *really* don't want to fight Spike. I appreciate what your doing for Xander, we all do, un I'm having a really good day so..."
**
Spike almost threw the bottle of JD at the wall. Nearly a full bottle of booze and an hour brooding < The bitch >
He could feel his body trembling, the big bad almost crying? < Bitch, bitch bitch >. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand closing his eyes. < Bitch! > Taking a mouthful to clear the sour taste. He was here for her looking after the Whelp and she comes strolling in all long nails and tight clothes sprawling on the sofa telling him about this bloody bloke she's met like he's nobody. Nothing. He needed to do something, needed to show her, wipe away the sick feeling in his gut and the pain in his heart.
He took another mouthful feeling the burn as it slid down his throat, he needed. something. Looking around the empty apartment passing over the fucking TV still showing Passions on mute his eyes travelling to the bedroom, he could hear the heartbeat calling to him.
Pushing the door open with the back of his hand and standing in the entrance smelling warm clean human. He could see the Xander lump under the covers.
"What do you want Spike?" sleepy voice.
Licking his lips taking a shaky breath "Invite me in."
"What?"
"Invite me in Whelp"
Xander tried to focus through the drug happy. He could see Spike lounging in the doorway bottle swaying looking dangerous..and unhappy?
Concern pushed it's way through Xander's tired brain "Spike, have you been drinking?" < obvious much >
Spike looked down, Xander could see the grimace pulling at his mouth, shoulders hunching forward. He could almost feel the tension.
"Are you gonna invite me in?" Blue eyes looking up through down turned lashes. Blue, very blue.
Xander felt something strange coil it's way up through his gut and contract in his belly "Spike, you are always welcome in my home" spoken quietly each word hanging in the air. Seeing the relief flash across Spike's face, < relief? > As he came over watching as he sat on the edge of the bed.
Spike felt the tension release through him as the Whelp invited him in. He needed!!!
"Spike, what's the matter?"
Spoken quietly. Need. Spike could feel his unbeating heart contract.
"Xander, I.." his voice broke. Now wasn't for thinking, wasn't for taking his feeling out and examining them. Now wasn't for pulling his beat up heart out and looking at the shattered pieces, now was for forgetting.
"Xander, I.." Now was for taking what he could..
He'd called him Xander?, < when had Spike *ever* called him by his name? > Something was going on, something he'd missed but Spike talking to him like he mattered made Xander's heart feel painful.
"Xander I."
Xander couldn't help it. He reached out stroking Spike's back, soothing. "What's the matter?"
Spike could feel tears pricking.
"Spike?"
"I'm lonely Xander" voice hitching Xander had to do it, had to reach up and pull Spike to him, had to hold him.
"It's OK Spike" rocking him "It's OK".
Spike closed his eyes pushing back, warmth and broad hands encircling him. Warm chest pressing to him, soft hair touching his cheek, tenderness.
"W want to."
"It's OK Spike.. It's OK" and Spike had to turn, had to grab and hold, push his fingers under cotton to sleep warm skin, had to push his face into warm flesh breathing life and comfort.
"Xander, I want.." what did he want?.. "I want you"
Xander felt his heart jump. Spike wanted him. *Him*, no spells, no magic. HIM.
"Xander I want you"
Xander felt the air rush out. He wanted him! Whatever the cause he wanted him for real, no whammy, no Buffy. Him!
"It's OK Spike, it's OK"
He could feel Spike pushing at his sleep shorts, working them down over his hips, sliding them down his thighs. Spike wanted him.
Spike pushing back the covers and licking the inside of his leg long lathing strokes. < Spike wanted him! >
Moving up and sucking him in rubbing his tongue working his jaw, sucking down to the root feeling soft lips nuzzling wiry hair and Spike working his throat muscles around him swallowing. Feeling Spike pull back with a wet slurp and move between his legs pushing them apart and having to focus to prove to his brain this *was* real and looking down seeing himself standing to attention and Spike kneeling between his legs paying homage to the Xander Penis. < Shit! >
Xander closed his eyes for a moment needing to catch his breath as Spike gently took a hold and flipped him over running soothing hands over him, around him. Rubbing softly just above where he needed it most making him suck his quivering belly in and feeling his wet dick bounce between Spike's hand and sleep warm sheets.
Feeling the loss of contact for a moment as Spike pulled away and hearing the soft pop of buttons. Feeling him pushing his hand back to were it belonged around Xander's weeping flesh and feeling a wet tongue snake out probing between the crack in his ass cheeks working down to find his entrance.
Spike *wanted* him.
Feeling knees nestled under his thighs pushing his butt up and Spike finding his goal and licking, nibbling with this teeth *there* using his tongue to stroke and tease, wet strokes following down to his balls and pulling each in chewing, sucking on them softly, working his way back to his entrance pushing his tongue into the tight pucker, pushing making him need to move because it feels strange, unfamiliar.
Tickling and stretching and Spike pulling his backside higher and grabbing a pillow shoving it under his groin. Moving up and over his back, cooling his heated skin with whispered endearments telling him he's beautiful.
Xander could feel his heart start to race, this wasn't real, Spike wanting him! This *So* wasn't real!
And Spike moving up and rubbing him, teasing his nipples, soothing his belly. "I need you"
< Oh shit! > And Spike rubbing his groin into him. Real! This was real!
"Xander, let me in" said with want, < desperation? >_
And he could feel himself get harder, < Oh shit! > And his breath coming in pants "Oh shit!"
"Spike" coming out a gasp because this *is* real and so out of control.
"Xander?"
And just hearing his name sends electric currants of want straight to his groin.
"Xander?"
And whatever the reason is he doesn't care because this is what *he* wants, this is what Spike *needs*.
"Xander?"
"Oh fuck Spike.. *DO* it!" and knowing somewhere at the back of his clouded brain that this isn't right. Knowing he's gonna get hurt but not caring because Spike is rubbing at him, into him and it's so fucking good!
Feeling Spike working around his entrance, rubbing his dick, sliding it. and he's lost. Feeling himself relax because this is what he wants and feeling his dick rasping against the sheets because this is *Spike* and he *wants* this and feeling Spike start to push. < Oh shit >.. and it's stopped?
< It's stopped? >
Smelling peanut putter . < Peanut butter? > And Spike back and pushing at him and Xander's head falling into clean sheets, dick softening, < but he *wants* this? > And Spike pushing at him and no pain apart from a moment as Spike pushes through the tight entrance. Smooth, gliding all the way.
This is too much, just too much. He can feel Spike covering him like a blanket all cool skin and desire and Spike waiting for him to adjust < because this is just too much > before he starts to move.
Pulling out and ramming back in almost painfully but not because Spike is hitting someplace that sends sparks to Xander's brain and shivers down his back and he's bucking and gasping and can't help it because this is so good.
Arms straining against the bed as Spike pummels into him. Wet sliding as Spike pulls out and slams back in hitting that spot and grinding hard against his ass before pulling out. It's so good and so hard and he's pushing back and it's almost painful. But Spike's not touching him now just holding on to his hips hard, digging his fingers.
It's almost like he's not connected and that isn't what Xander wants, almost like Spike isn't there, like Xander isn't there just two bodies pushing at each other, pounding into each other.
Animalistic rutting, just sensation and pressure with no emotion, no *feeling* and Spike's tensing against him body stiffening, thrusting hard pushing Xander forward throwing his head into the pillows and Spike's shuddering as he explodes inside of him and Xander's soft < but it's good? > and Spike isn't talking to him, isn't connecting.
Feeling the soft pop as Spike pulls out and it feels almost painful this emptiness after being so full and < what does it mean? > And he's still soft as Spike pulls him to his chest and wraps his arms around him tight, like he's scared to let go!
Staring blindly into the darkness feeling Spike holding him and wondering What the *fuck* he's gone un done and why he's done it and Spike burying his face against his neck and moulding himself to his body, Spike pressing his face into him and clinging to him and Xander feeling a funny kind of hollow in the pit of his stomach as he feels damp lashes flutter across his back and hears himself telling Spike that it's alright and everything's going to be OK.
**
Spike's dreaming. Standing inside his crypt, no chip, looking all manly and cool and Buffy standing inside the doorway looking at him like he's the last pair of shoes at the mall with 75% off. She wants him, she's *hot* for him.
Licking her lips and looking hungry and he can see her chest heaving through her tight blue top with "It's A Gas" written over the breast every breath making the "G" stretch obscenely.
"Oh Spike, your so hot with your cool leather and tight, *tight* pants!"
She's doing the pout thing moving in on him and he's paralysed. He can feel himself taking sharp unneeded breaths as she slides up to him and pushes her arms under his duster pressing small strong hands around his ass and rubbing her cheek against his chest.
"Spike.. I want you. I need you to kiss me until I pass out and run your hands over my body. I need you to fill me up with *love*" love coming out all breathily muffled because she's rubbing herself hard against him and squeezing.
This is what he's wanted for so long. All the rejection and disgust, that wasn't real. *This* is real as he reaches down to kiss her hot lips duelling with cold and this is so good.
but he had to stop.
Kiss bruised lips "Spike I want you"
Looking down at her he's exposed, vulnerable " But do you love me Pet?" softly spoken with need and hope mingled together.
Do you love me? echoing in the corners of the crypt and she's pulling way and backing towards the door and sunlight where he can't follow "I could *never* love you Spike" and he can see loathing in her face, hear disgust in her voice. "I could never love *you!*"
*****
OK, he felt guilty. Sitting on a mouldy gravestone feeling the cool night breeze wash over him.
He'd slept with him, `had Sex' with the Whelp. He was drunk and mad and he'd had all this rage eating at him and emptiness inside and he'd used him < bollocks, bloody bollocks >, but waking up that was all gone. Feeling the lad next to him, holding him he'd felt this tenderness start to grow so sweet it was almost painful and he'd panicked alright? A huge stab of fear had ripped through his belly and squeezed his heart and he'd panicked.
Spike looked down at the hands trembling in his lap, hands that a couple of hours ago had been holding warm flesh and running across smooth skin touching places he never though they'd get to touch like that.
He squeezed his eyes shut. Loving the Slayer was so much easier. Hot angry love that itched at him and gnawed at his belly, he could deal with that. Wanting her, burning for her, that was all the Big Bad, but this tenderness? Wanting to hold the Whelp beside (inside) him, kiss him? That was pure William and it scared the *shit* out of Spike.
Shifting on his gravestone he pulled a cigarette out of the crumpled pack in his duster absentmindedly knocking the base on the back of his hand settling the tobacco. He'd got himself into a right mess. He should have seen it coming when he offered to look after the Whelp but no, as usual he'd left his common sense back in the crypt with his spare lighter. He couldn't go there again, couldn't let somebody inside that core of humanity where William lived. He'd been there with Dru and it had almost destroyed him.
A little voice inside of his head piped up < coward >. Spike gave himself a shake < Piss off.. Why are you feeling bad? OK, you had a shag, so what? Not like you just buggered off, left him a note didn't you? > `Thanks Pet that was lovely' written on the back of an empty cigarette packet and propped against his pain medication. < Hell, probably didn't mean anything, I was horny, the lad was horny (he was out of his head on drugs). *shut up*, git!. Just a shag and hey, I'm Evil get used to it >.
Maybe he should get a tattoo `You are Evil' to remind him every time he took his shirt off .
"Spike? What are you doing here?"
< Oh great, just bloody wonderful. > Fixing a smile `Well, hello Slayer and what brings you out on a lovely night like this?.. Oh yeah, killing my kind"
< What the hell was Spike doing lounging on a gravestone? > "Why aren't you taking care of Xander?"
< Oh, I've *taken care* of him alright > "Just taking a break, no need to get your panties in a twist"
< Smart-ass bleach freak > "My panties are firmly *untwisted* and *Mr Pointy*' waving the stake in front of him "is just itching for some action".
"Well far be it from me not to help you *scratch* that *itch* luv" standing tossing the unlit cigarette away feeling that spark start to dance. It was all her fault, if she'd wanted him like he wanted her none of *this* would have happened!
< Gees, what's the matter with him? > Buffy could see Spike was angry. Why was he angry? Droolly un letchy, irritating and sarcastic, but angry? "What is it with you? Xander take the remote off of you, wouldn't let you smoke?" pouting "is Spiky having nicotine withdrawal?"
Licking dry lips feeling the rhythm start to flow between them "Well, if you want me to practice the *withdrawal* method luv" stepping closer and stopping < bloody hell >. "You know what Slayer? This little dance we're having? Go do it solo cos *Spiky* isn't playing anymore!"
"Hu?" Buffy watched confused as Spike stalked away < and what in hell was that about? >
**
< I hate her, I still hate her. She's a bitch that thinks she's too good for me un I *still* hate her > Spike charged through the graveyard and out the gates purposefully heading, where? < I'm an evil git.. an evil git whose belly is grumbling louder than Dru that time I took her dolls away.. > Spike rubbed his stomach and took in where his feet had taken him. Right back to the Whelp's.
Stopping with a jolt outside the door, how was he gonna make this right? < OK Spike. Just a shag, no problem > . Suddenly his docs felt lead lined and his feet wouldn't move. < Just a shag. Just SEX. What's a quick roll between friends? > His mind raced < pretend all that emotional stuff was just a way to get in his knickers >, make the lad think all the *need* wasn't real. < Tell him, tell him your Evil and you were horny and you wanted a shag >. Spike squared his shoulders and finally got his feet moving.
< Right. Sorted! Evil Vampire, just sex, no *emotional* stuff ... and don't let him touch you, don't give him any more baths, don't feed him, don't watch him sleep, don't dream about sliding into that hot tight body and don't *don't* fall in love with the bugger! >
Saying a silent prayer to whichever gods looked after wayward Vampires Spike took a hold of the Whelp's door and let himself in.
*****
Xander woke feeling sore and sticky! 'Ugh!'.Very sore! Sorer than when he'd gone to bed a couple of hours ago.
< Ah, *Spike*! > Spike an peanut butter and *sex*; he'd had sex with Spike!
Un-sticking himself from clammy sheets and wincing, < Oh boy! > His ass felt throbby, hot-thumping throbby. Yes sir, he'd had The Sex with Spike. Wild Monkey Sex and guess who the butt monkey was? He focused on the empty pillow beside him.
Spike had had sex with him and gone? 'Spike?' he called.
Silence
'SPIKE?' Where in hell had he gone? No way would he just up and leave. He wouldn't do that. He couldn't, could he?
'*SPIKE!*' .He could! < The ASSHOLE, The undead PRICK! >
Xander felt humiliation fighting with anger fighting with absolute boiling RAGE.
'*SPIKE!*...' < THE PIG, PRICK, ASSHOLE. >
Anger fighting with rage fighting with absolute humiliation! Xander slumped back into dirty sheets, dirty used sheets for a dirty, used Xander. < The prick! > He closed his eyes, blocking out the empty room, as he felt the throbbing in his body move up and settle behind his eyes, pushing tears through closed lids.
Voice hitching, 'The prick.. Prick, prick, prick!' Lashing out with his hand, feeling it hit the bedside table and hearing the clatter of pill bottles falling and the soft flutter of a cigarette packet dropping to the floor.
**
A whole week since the peanut butter (which he was *so* never gonna eat again) sitting in the park with Buffy and Willow, watching the itty-bitty birds and listening to the background chatter. Xander stretched on the blanket covering the short grass. His bandage was off and his ouches felt better; he should be feeling great but he wasn't.
A whole week of avoidy from Spike, a week of `it didn't happen'. A whole week of `don't touch the dirty Xander'; `don't sit near him'; `don't talk to him unless you *have* to' and `don't *don't* connect with him'.
Xander felt like crap. All the sun and sandwiches (made by Buffy) weren't gonna make it better.
He watched a small bird poking at a worm: biting at the plump body and tossing it in the air with a shake of its head; watching as the worm hit the ground and darted its eyes furtively before taking another nip, cutting it into pieces like a knife through butter. He could be really philosophical now < I am the worm! >
'Hey Xander, you gonna eat that or just watch it evolve?'
'What? Oh, yeah, Will, just ya know, enjoying the sun.'
Willow watched Xander take a bite out of his sandwich, he looked tired. 'Hey, you tired? Cos we can, you know, head back and get ya all snugly on the sofa?'
Xander chewed his jelly sandwich < Oh great > somehow the thought of home wasn't too appealing, but he was tired 'Yeah Will, home would be good.''
Buffy grabbed the plastic cups and folded the picnic blankets, this whole week had been strange. Spike and Xander had always got along OK but this last week at Xander's apartment they'd barely been speaking. < Too much Spike can be a bad *bad* thing, > she thought. 'Xander, you want Spike to pack his blood bags?' frowning and grabbing the largest basket, 'Cos I know you un Anya broke up but she's been really worried about you.' Matchmaker Buffy, Xander and Anya *alone*, maybe that was just what they needed? Xander was miserable, Anya still cared. All she needed to do was get Spike out of the picture.
'She has?'
'Oh yeah, big-time worry'
'You think she wants to get back together?'
'I don't know but she does want a come by and check on you. If you're feeling well enough maybe it's time to, you know, send Spike on his way?'
'Do you mean in the *sharp pointy object* way or the kick him out on his ass way?'
'Kick him out on his ass.'
'Can I do the kicking'
'Yaha!.. Xander, what is it with you un Spike, he done something to you?' Was it Spike making Xander miserable?
< Made me act like a girl, made me feel like shit? > 'No Buff, nothing outta the ordinary'
Buffy gave Xander an appraising look 'Cos you'd let me know if he did right?'
Xander saluted plastering on a smile 'Yes sir, Buffy, ma'am!'
'Uhhum.' Shaking her head, Buffy grinned and headed out leaving Willow and Xander lingering behind.
All through the picnic Willow had been thinking, you didn't need to be a witch to know that something had been going on between Spike and Xander, something that had gotten worse after the *whammy*. 'Xander, what happened at Spike's crypt? Has it got anything to do with you and Spike being all avoidy?'
Xander opened his mouth and stopped. He really wanted to tell his best friend, wanted to open his heart and spill out all the festering emotions, wash himself clean.
'Will it's nothing, don't worry'. Maybe he could get back with Anya? If she'd take him back everything would be fine.
Willow pursed her lips, something was wrong, *big time* wrong. Xander was too quiet and if he wouldn't tell her what was going on, maybe it was time she asked somebody else!
*****
Spike slammed the door to Xander's apartment, rattling the hinges < shit >. He was such a bloody idiot! Shaking his head he tried to clear the anger and stupid pride that had got him on this side of the door in the first place.
Maybe it was a good thing for the lad (safer?) Spike narrowed his eyes as a memory surfaced.
**
Pushing back the years to a wood panelled room with candles casting muted pools of light.
He pushed his hand further, past downy hair to rough curls and over soft flaccidity; the boy was ready. Taking a step back he surveyed his work, the muted colour of the walls blended well with the dark blood soaking through the welts on his grandchilde. He made a handsome picture lying piteously on the floor and for a second Angelus contemplated his sketchbook.
But the spell was broken as Drusilla skirted from the shadows crooning to her sweet William and dropping to the floor, gathering the shredded material of her childe's clothes. "Now don't you cry my lovely, the stars tell me you shan't cry, Daddy doesn't mean to hurt his sweet William" she said giving Angelus a frightened glance and taking William's head in her lap possessively, rocking as she stroked his matted hair.
William could see Angelus studying him through the soft folds of Drucilla's petticoat, the whip still clutched in his hand snaking to the floor. He knew he had to stay calm, passive while his punishment was dealt, but the hate still burned, and feeling Angelus' touch made the blood congeal in his belly.
Angelus watched Drusilla calmly as she fluttered around her boy, stroking his cheek and petting his broken body "Enough". Spoken quietly but cutting through the air. He could see the fear in her eyes as she stopped her ministrations "Leave" and pushed her boys head away, gathering her skirts meekly.
"Have you learnt your lesson boy?" smelling the blood mixed with the scent of fresh flowers and beeswax.
William licked his lips.
"Well?" Angelus hefted the whip, weighing the supple leather in his hand, and moved forward again, to crouch in front of the wayward childe.
William could not speak, no sound came forth.
Placing his tool of instruction on the floor Angelus reached out a hand with something akin to affection and cupped William's face. "Love no-one but me boy" running his thumb along the marred cheek "My blood flows through your veins and I'll not share what's mine".
William thought about his lover all sweet smiles and warm flushed skin; and remembered the night he'd first seen him, walking the cobbled streets with his Princess, taking the evening air. Seeing him so serious, clutching a book of prayer. Oh he'd been a catch!
Taking his ladies hand and drawing her after the boy. "What a ripe prize you've found William" whispered in his ear as he pulled Drucilla with him "What a peach!"
He'd been locked under Angeles's care for what seemed an age, but he still remembered the warm lust he'd experienced as they followed the lad into a tavern and watched him stammer his order, taking it to a corner table away from the throng. Maybe that was when he decided the youth could provide more than just a passing meal. This one was so ready for the plucking, and the furtive glances the boy gave between sips struck a cord with William; he'd seen that look reflected in the mirror of a struggling poet, and it pushed open something he thought long sealed.
Leading Drucilla to the table "Pray excuse me sir, may my lady and I join you?" The game began.
"Aye," stammered shyly, "if you wish".
After nearly a week of beatings, Angelus felt victory beckon as acceptance ghosted his grandchildes' face. He'd been in a blinding rage after following young William to his lover and seeing him cross the tavern with his pet and enter the rooms beyond, he could smell the lust peppering the air as he followed, and the smell of that-which-was-*his* coated the youth like a second skin.
Bursting through the door and catching the two drove his demon to a frenzy.
"What be you doing William?" he hissed through clenched teeth.
William froze, fingers poised at his lover's cheek and felt his dead heart clench "Angelus!"
Fighting to control his anger "Aye, that be me lad"
The two demons rocked the tavern, one battling to take back That-which-was-his, the other to save his lover.
Angelus saw the misery etched in the features of his favourite and felt a swelling of dark, possessive love. "I've claimed you as mine boy, let non-tell you otherwise". He pulled the face to him, breathing in the sweet smell of despair and crushed his lips to William's, forcing the unresponsive mouth open and plundering the depths with a brutal passion.
His body longed to ravage, push inside with blood and pain and mark. His flesh twitched with the smell of blood filling his nostrils and pushed against the fabric of his clothes. His demon roared to re-establish his claim on That-which-was-his. The urge to thrust inside, force himself past resistance and leave his seed nearly overpowered him. Crushing William in is arms. "You're mine, you'll always be mine.. I'll never let you go boy!".
Angelus pulled back and looked into cold blue eyes, asking with an almost childlike bewilderment "Why do you do this to me? Always fighting so, making me pull you to heel". He stroked the cool body tenderly and in his dead heart a bloom of warmth flowered briefly.
Licking his lips he pulled himself back under control and forced a sardonic smile "You're a wilful dog William! Always straining after some *bitch* in heat, so I've made you a present." He felt a shudder run down Williams's back, feeling a twisted victory at his fear. Nuzzling the lank hair falling over his William's forehead, Angelus continued, "It's taken me time and patience boy, something you'd do well to learn, but I think you'll enjoy the gift I've brought you".
William heard the door open, and recognised the scent immediately as a familiar voice spoke from shadows. "Hello William."
William choked back a sob as the figure moved forward to stand beside Angelus. Raising his eyes to the newcomer and seeing the bight orbs looking down on him, shining with anticipation, he knew he should be standing with him, glorying in the carnage those eyes promised..
But he could not, this was his beautiful shining love, his sweet warm star. William choked a sob as his heart finally broke. His love, his innocent sweet Penn.
"Do you like him William? I made him especially for you" Angelus ran a hand down Penn's thigh absently, watching the effect on his boy. It had taken a long week to teach this new childe the pleasure pain could bring, he'd travelled new depths in degradation finding ways to soil his favourites' pet and rub away any vestige of humanity, and his labours had produced a true creature of the night; a deadly cold killer (Let William look on and learn). He belonged to no-one but Angelus, (let him see the empty shell of his love and Weep). "Now you never need stray childe, you have your *toy* for eternity".
Angelus gathered his whip and stood, "I hope tis not soul you loved?" he said with mock sincerity as he felt his newest childe pressing in to him. "Because, that's gone boy." And smiled anew as his fingers ghosted Penn's body and felt the hardness as his new childe looked down on sweet William. He gifted the whip to Penn's eager hand and felt a thrill as he closed the door to the first crack.
**
Spike turned, and looked at the door mocking him. Maybe it would be better for Xander if he left! < Shit > All right, he loved the bugger. < Shit.. shit shit shit >. But just thinking about Angelus and *Penn* gave him a sick feeling in his belly.
He'd spent years of misery looking at Penn and remembering, Drucilla had been the only thing stopping him from taking a walk in the sun. Seeing him, feeling him, *knowing* it was his fault. It had almost driven him insane, so he'd blocked the memories and wished away the bile taste they left.
But he wanted the bugger. William the Bloody < Bloody pathetic! > yearned for Xander Harris, ached for him, craved him like a drug.. Wanted him more than cigarettes!
Spike took out a smoke and looked at the phone he'd borrowed (pinched) from the Slayer on the way out, giving a mental shrug he leaned against the 'No Smoking' sign next to Xander's door and pushed the cigarette between his lips, lighting it with one hand; the other punching the number he knew from memory.
Holding the phone to his ear he nervously smoked while it rang. He really didn't want to do this (You're mine, you'll always be mine).
"Angel investigations, we help the helpless..."
"Cut the chit-chat Prom Queen and get me the poof". Spike could feel the pause as Cordellia weighed her options. Put the phone down, and maybe have him call back, or Ew! Turn up! Or go get Angel.
"Hold on a minute Spike" he heard the thud as she put the phone on the desk and moved away. His cigarette was almost gone by the time he heard the fall of heavier feet and Angel's voice on the other end. "What do you want Spike? If it's about the chip, or the Gem of Amara, no, I'm not helping you; and I don't have it!"
"Always a pleasure to speak to you too peaches, lets just cut the pleasantries shall we?" Spike realised his hands were shaking. "And anyway, that's not what I'm bloody calling about", he paused, how was he gonna say it? As usual he hadn't thought that far ahead. "I want to know something, about the Sire/Childe thing"
"Spike?" Angel's voice was hesitant, he'd never cared enough as Angelus to explain Vampire lore to young William, preferring to leave that part of his education to Drucilla, after all, he was her childe. Thinking about it now, he realised how irresponsible he'd been. Durcilla couldn't look after herself, how could she educate a childe?
Spike pushed the phone under his chin and fumbled for his smokes, suddenly he needed another. "Just a minute mate" he grunted finding the packet and flipping another into his mouth. Speaking around it he tried to find the words he needed, it wasn't easy, too many things had changed. They'd changed, but was it enough? Worrying the unlit filter he mumbled into the phone "I need to ask you something... It's personal!" < You're mine, you'll *always* be mine >.
Angel's voice held surprise, Spike asking him for anything was a red letter day, (unless it involved the insertion of hot pokers), but Spike asking him for something personal? that was unheard of "OK Spike, you got me!". Angel readied him self for anything, you never knew with Spike.
"It's about before, you know, back in the day!".
"What?". Whatever Angel had been preparing himself for, this wasn't it.
Spike rolled his eyes, already getting impatient "You know, before... When you were Angelus" he waited for him to gather himself, he could almost hear the bloody brooding.
"Spike, I..."
"Yeah, yeah" Spike nodded along "You're sorry... yada yada..." remembering he was a wall away from the Slayer and her chums "look, I can't talk here, give me a minute, Slutty's on the other side of the door an I don't want her eavesdropping" gathering the picnic blanket from the floor it had slipped to in his quest for smokes, Spike looked around "must be a bloody basement in this place.."
"Spike, I.."
"Yeah, said that already luv" said Spike as he stalked off in quest of some privacy. After wondering around for what seemed like forever, he still hadn't found the basement, and Angel was getting even more angsty! Giving up he headed to the lobby. He'd been staying with Xander long enough to know all the Vampire friendly corners on the way to his apartment, and the lobby had a secluded nook with his name on it.
Settling himself against the wall, he got ready for the hardest (and most embarrassing) conversation of his unlife. Talking about sex didn't bother him, hell, in his time he'd shagged anything with two legs and an orifice as long as it wanted him! It was the *other* thing that stuck in his teeth.
Talking to Angel about feelings, opening up and laying bare his heart. (Going back to the old days and picking at the scabs.)
Spike took a breath and thumped the back of his head against the wall. Why was he doing this again? Why was he twisting the knife in his own gut and dragging up memories he didn't want to *remember* let alone talk about?
In a flash a face appeared, one with dark eyes and soft brown hair, and painfully low self-esteem
It was probably too late anyway, that look Xander had given him as he left!
Spike sighed into the phone and chewed his lip.
"Spike... " Angel had been patient waiting for Spike to find someplace, giving him the time he needed, (or maybe giving himself the time?) "You're breathing again".
Spike bit his lip < bugger > "Am not"
"You are Spike"
< Shit > Spike hunkered down, he was gonna have to do it, he'd put it off, trawling the corridors, fobbing Angel off with, well, anything he could think of. Opening his mouth he thought < now or never! >, just as Buffy and Willow started down the stairs in a popcorn swirl of girl talk.
"You see Xander's face when I mentioned Anya?
"Buffy" Willow admonished, "you mentioned Anya, like, eighty times already"
Buffy pouted "yeah, but did you see his face the *last* time I mentioned her? He was kind of happy looking "
Willow took the last step to the lobby and rounded on her "Are you playing matchmaker Buffy?" giving her the Willow stare "fess-up".
Buffy looked at her shoes, a pretty blue that so matched her outfit. "Well, what if I am?" looking up through her lashes "I just want Xander to be happy... and he's sad... and she's sad, an they love each other..."
Willow frowned. Xander had been real down in the dumps lately, (maybe it wasn't Spike) maybe he just missed Anya? "I don't know Buff, I want him to be happy too.. but" she stopped. She had the feeling something wasn't right, but she *liked* Spike, ok, he was a soulless killer.. but she *liked* him.. "you're probably right".
Buffy looked up and smiled, sure she was right, they were made for each other. Stopping in the lobby, a hairs breadth from the sunshine outside, she took a hold of Willow's hands, her face turning serious "Willow, Xander *needs* Anya, he's always needed her." Lowering her tone and locking eyes with her friend "they're lost without each other Will." Buffy's voice trembled "they love each other".
Willow felt a lump in her throat, Buffy looked so beautiful with the sun shining behind her, she squeezed her hands "I guess you're right".
Buffy let go of her and took a step nearer the door. Xander *would* be happy, he deserved it, and she'd do everything she could to make it happen. "Sure I'm right" she paused. "Come on, time for some quality girl time!" she said smiling at her friend. Willow smiled back, she'd talk to Spike later, right now it was shopping time.
"The Mall?"
Buffy pushed open the door and walked into the sunshine "Oh yeah!"
***
It was a good thing Spike didn't need to breathe, he'd listened to Buffy and Willow from the shadows, holding his breath. He felt like somebody had taken a knife to his heart and cleaved it in two.
Xander loved Anya? He'd always loved Anya? Spike was numb, lifting the phone back to his ear he heard Angel, he didn't know what he was saying, he didn't care. Ignoring the babble on the other end "Angel?" he choked "I want to come to LA"
Now Angel was really worried, this conversation was surreal, Spike calling out the blue, asking about Vampire lore, and Angelus.. and wanting to come to LA? And that tone, he'd heard it before, a long time ago, where? Then it hit like a gut punch. Penn! That's where he'd heard it, William and Penn. He felt sick. Turning around he put his back between Cordellia and the phone, he could still feel her eyes boring into him, but a least she couldn't see his face.
"Spike?" he licked his lips, if he'd been human his heart would have been pounding; he knew he was shaking. "Are you in love?" his voice was casual, like it was nothing 'you seen my shoes? Does my hair look OK?', only the underlying tone gave him away < are you in love? >. He pressed the phone to his ear trying to pick up on anything that might give him the answer he wanted "Spike?"
"Yeah"
Was that a 'Yeah, I'm in love', or a 'Yeah, I'm here'. It didn't matter "I'm going to come get you, where are you?"
"At Harris's apartment, in the lobby"
"Stay where you are, I'll send someone."
"Yeah". Spike pressed end call and dropped the phone in his lap.
Angel listened to the dial tone, he'd put the phone down, typical Spike! He'd put the damn phone down. Angel stared at it, he'd put the phone down, and he was in Harris's lobby. Why was he in Harris's lobby? He heard a loud cough behind him < damn >.
"So, that was Spike huh?.. He want anything in particular? Like, you dust, or maybe kill us all in our sleep? Or was it just a social call?"
This was so not gonna go well "He's coming to stay". He didn't need to *see* to know her eyebrows were trying to reach the ceiling, she probably had the whole hands-on-hips thing going right about now.
"WHAT?"
This wasn't good, that was, what, an eight on the Cordellia scale of one to ten.
"Cordy, he's coming" Angel said decisively, "and I need you to get a hold of Gunn and send him to Sunnydale, I've written the address". Any minute now he'd turn round. Any minute!!
**
Spike looked at the phone. Angel was gonna come get him, maybe that answered his question.
And answering Angel's question < Are you in love? > Yeah, he was. But the Whelp wasn't, not with him. He'd just been a pit-stop between Anya shagging. She'd dumped him, he was lonely < he was kind >. Spike pressed his head against the wall, he was kind! Even if Xander didn't love him, he'd been good to him.
Spike closed his eyes, the Whelp had got inside his head, wormed his way into the centre of him, and all with a little kindness. How pathetic was that?
And what had he done - Thrown it back at him!
He wished the bugger would just come down the stairs and take him. Push him up against the wall < fuck everybody > and push in so deep he'd be deep throating Xander form the inside out. He wanted him so bad he could taste him, he wanted to feel him pressed up behind him, covering him with warm skin; pressing into him. Filling him up and pushing out all the bad memories. Shit, he was getting hard.
But he wanted him, he needed him. He needed him so bad it was painful.
He needed Xander to hammer into him and shoot so deep he's fill the hole he'd left in his heart. He wanted Xander to bury himself in him and push his cock right into the core of him, right into that place he hid from the world. It didn't matter anyway, he was already there, cut Spike open and you'd see Xander burned into his heart.
He didn't know what it was, why he wanted Xander so badly. He knew he loved him, but this need? The painful want he felt for Xander to just rip his pants off and take him? He wanted Xander to bruise him, bite him < claim him? > Was that what it was? This feral ache to prove he belonged to Xander, to subjugate himself for him.
Spike shifted on the floor, trying to ease the tightness in his pants. He didn't care how he did it. Against the wall, on all fours, feet in the air, he didn't give a shit, if the lad would just come down the stairs and shag him senseless < bugger >.
He just wanted to feel Xander inside of him, he just needed that heat to warm his bones. If the lad didn't want him, he didn't care. It wouldn't matter, nothing mattered. God he wished he had a fucking drink.
If Xander didn't want him he might as well be dust, because the part of him that mattered already would be. Angel/Angelus could have him, it wouldn't matter.
Spike wasn't hard anymore. He looked down at the buttons resting loosely over his crotch. He had two cigarettes left, flipping his lighter he pulled a lungful of smoke.
"Spike. What are you doing here?"
< Oh god no! > Spike looked up, Anya! "Enjoying the sun luv, just thought I'd sit here and wait for it to go down".
"Oh", Anya smiled "that's nice.. I'm here to see Xander",
< Never luv > "Oh really? Well I'm sure the Whelp'll be glad to see you".
Anya's smile grew "Oh I know he will. I'm coming to tell him I made a mistake, I love him".
< You love him? > Spike coughed a lungful of smoke "That's nice pet, that's really nice".
"I know, and he loves me"
< I hate you > Spike's vision blurred, "He does?"
"Oh yes, he always did... and he's a good man."
"That he is pet" < I want to rip you open and see why he loves you and not me. >
"I've brought him presents", Anya's voice became conspiratorial, "sex toys - lots of sex toys!" she smiled smugly "and a thermometer! To make sure he stays healthy and can give me lots of orgasms (he's very good at that), but I'm not sure where it goes" she frowned looking at the large thermometer in her hand. "It's a very large one, and long... and I'm not sure where you stick it!"
< I want to smear myself in your blood so he'll smell you and want me > "Stick it up your arse pet" Spike could see Anya give him a disgusted look and open her mouth "it's rectal luv, see?" pointing quickly to the writing along the side "it says here 'To be inserted in the anus'".
Raising her eyebrows Anya smiled, everything was going right today "So, it goes in the bag with the sex toys.. Excellent!" and grabbing her bundle of fun she headed up the stairs.
Spike watched her go < I hate you >, throwing his cigarette away he looked at his watch, another hour and Angel would be here for him, all he had to do was wait!
*****
Part 6: Spike POV
"Now William", crack
"What, have I told you before, about obeying me?" crack.
"Never" crack,
"Never" crack. "Never do that again boy!".
Angelus reached forward to touch the skin he'd exposed, working his fingers under frayed clothing to fondle the flesh. Sliding his hand along, smearing blood and pressing down William's belly he exploring the texture, testing. Was he done?