*****

Xander loved Oz. He also loved Giles, because he was a ho (Xander, not Giles). Xander decided that it was only fair his loves could share love with each other, and therefore maximize the love threefold.

So, they all got nice and liquored up, and moved the party into the bedroom, because the insomniac author was trying to get this done before she gets really tired from staying up all night. They all took off their clothing, and stood there in front of each other, checking each other out. Sure, Xander's yummy bod was very familiar to Oz and Giles, but their bodies were new to each other.

Oz looked at Giles' bod, which had a nice amount of lean muscle for a man his age. Or, heck, for a man of any age. Oz wanted to nuzzle his soft chest hair and nibble those cute lil' nips. And Giles had a very nice Big British Cock (tm), which was uncut, like most European men. Xander had told Oz about how much fun he had playing with Giles' foreskin (it's a very sensitive and erogenous part. Go read up on circumcision, it really cheats men).

Giles, for his part, was amazed at Oz's cute nekkid self. He had seen brief glimpses of him when he was on Ozwolf watch, but he always looked away quickly to give the dude his privacy. He certainly had never seen the werewolf's cock. Giles stared at Oz, amazed by the size of it. He could not imagine a penis that large in his ass, especially since he rarely bottomed for Xander (Giles has control issues, and needs to cut down on the tea).

As if he could read Giles' mind, Oz spoke up. "I'd like to fuck Xander first. Then you can have your way with me, if you want. Or I could fuck him, you could blow him, and I might be able to reach around and be able to give you a handjob. Man, the physics of threesomes can get so complicated."

"Hmm, or you could fuck him, then I could fuck him, and then we both suck him off..." Giles pondered the possibilities.

Xander looked skeptical, "The last time I did this I couldn't sit for a week."

Both Oz and Giles turned to look at Xander. "What do you mean last time?" Giles asked.

"Um, I had a date with you and Oz in the same night. I couldn't cancel with you guys." Xander blushed. Well, as much as a ho can blush.

The two men grabbed Xander and placed him face down on the bed. They took turns spanking that cute Xander ass (serving two customers every day).

After the spanking, they got ready for the oral sex. But just as Giles had the tip of Oz's very big cock in his mouth, a loud sound made him stop. Then the door crashed as a terrifying monster ripped off its hinges (the door, not the monster. Monsters don't have hinges. I think. It's not like I met any monsters).

The creature stood eight feet high, and was huge. It had a streamlined sharky shape, but the classic lines were made chunky by a set of udders, horns, and a cow bell around the monster's neck. Giles, Oz, and Xander screamed like little girls. It was the dreaded Cowshark.

They all ran out of the bedroom like little girls, and screamed for help. Meanwhile, Buffy nuzzled her face into Faith's lovely cleavage.

"Buffy, hon? I think you have a breast fetish."

The Slayer planted little kisses down to Faith's nipple. "But babe, it's *all* about your breasts."

"Um, that would be the definition of a fetish." Then Faith heard the girly screams and looked up. "Well, B, there's something you don't see every day."

"What?" Buffy didn't look up from her lover's purty bosom.

"Look up."

Buffy saw the naked forms of Giles, Xander, and Oz running after a monster that was a strange cross between a cow and a shark.

"Woah, is that a Cowshark?"

"A what?" Buffy looked at Faith, which was nice because she could look at her boobs again.

"A Cowshark. My last Watcher told me about a myth about a monster that was spliced from the DNA of a cow and a shark. I never thought it could be true until now."

Buffy took one last glance at Faith's breasts. "Well, looks can be deceiving."

They chased after the Cowshark, but it turned and ran into a thick woody area and they lost the monster.

"Damn! I so wanted to kill that thing!" Faith fumed while the three men ran over to where she and Buffy stood. "Well, hello brave soldiers."

"Hey!" Xander tried to catch his breath. "It's not like I could stash a weapon here. Anyway, *you're* the Slayers, not me."

Buffy looked at Oz's frankenweenie. "Wow, I had a dildo that big, but I was always afraid to use it." She looked at Xander. "How can you sit down?"

Xander rubbed his butt as a reflex. "Very carefully. But, we have to slay this Cowshark thing so Oz, Giles, and I can go back to the gay sex."

Buffy stopped staring at Oz's cock, and took a glance at Faith's breasts. "Yes, we will. Giles, you get the tranquilizer gun. Oz, you get a pound of marbles. Xander, get a nice large fishing net. And Faith, you strip down to a small push-up bra that barely covers your nipples. Let's get to work people!"

They all rushed off to opposite directions to obey Buffy's commands, except for Faith, who stripped down to her bra.

"B, are you planning to use me as bait?"

"No, I'm gonna use Oz. I have a theory."

Faith adjusted her cleavage. "Then why this?"

"Because I like it." Buffy jumped her lover and took advantage of the 20 minutes it took for the men to get the materials they needed.

They all returned, and set up their materials as Buffy instructed. When everything was in place, she spoke up.

"Okay, Oz, I want you to act as bait for the Cowshark."

"Why me?"

"Because you will attract its attention, what with the huge penis and such."

Oz slumped his shoulders. "Ok."

Buffy smiled. "All right, everyone, places."

Oz sat in the forest, calling out, "Cowshark? Oh, Cowshark? I'm all alone and vulnerable and such." He sighed, and muttered under his breath, "Buffy better not fuck this up, 'cuz I don't want to become cowshark cud. Or is that chum? Huh."

Then the Cowshark appeared, because the writer is getting really tired now and really needs to get better sleep patterns. Oz screamed so girly he made Wesley look butch in comparison. They ran in a way that is better seen than described, what with the screaming and the growling and the running and the snarling and the udders flapping in the wind. It was a very exciting chase to watch. But not to describe.

So, they got to the area where Giles, Xander, Buffy and Faith were, and Oz ran past. Then, right as the Cowshark ran after him, Xander threw the pound of marbles in front of the monster. The Cowshark stumbled and fell on the marbles, and then Giles shot the creature with the tranquilizer gun. Then Faith threw the fishing net over the critter, her lovely breasts heaving as she did so.

Buffy walked over to the Cowshark. "Now, let's see who the Cowshark *really* is." She pulled off the mask.

"WILLOW!" They all exclaimed.

"Yes, it's me, Willow. I hate you all. Oz, for dumping me for Xander. Xander, for dumping me for Giles and Oz. And Giles, for never once realizing that I'm a wonderful angel. And Buffy, for spending too much time looking at Faith's breasts to be a friend. And you, Faith, for having hypnotic breasts."

Buffy shook her head in pity. "And you couldn't just talk to us? You let your hate fester, like a really icky wound that gets infected, and all gangrene and then you have to get your leg cut off, and it's a Civil War movie, so of course they don't have sterile instruments. And then, eww, the person dies anyway. Where was I?"

"Festering," Giles offered helpfully.

"Anyway, you let your hate fester instead of talking to us. We do stop fucking like bunnies enough to talk. So, you concocted an elaborate Cowshark ploy just to hurt us."

"And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids!" Willow passed out from the tranqs, and then Wesley appeared out of nowhere to cart her away.

"How did you figure this out, Buffy?" Wes asked.

"Well, I noticed that the Cowshark was particularly interested in chasing Oz. At first I thought it just because he was hung like a bull, but I had a hunch that it was more than that. Then I saw the Cowshark in the computer lab. I don't think many Cowsharks are net savvy, and especially able to hack into porn websites. Finally, the possibility of a cow, a mammal, and a shark, a fish, having compatible enough DNA to produce a hybrid is really impossible, even for this show."

"Wait, when did you see the Cowshark in the computer lab?" Faith hugged Buffy.

"Plot hole." Buffy nuzzled Faith as Wesley carted Willow away. "Well, boys, you're free to pull a train on Xander. Huh, where is Xander anyway?"

They turned around, and saw a nasty, snarling Cowshark behind them. They all were scared, until the monster pulled off it's mask, revealing Xander.

"XANDER!" They all laughed at the bad boy, and Giles and Oz planned to spank him once more.

And then they all had wild monkey butt sex, except for Buffy and Faith who had wild monkey boob sex.

THE END