*****

Pike was really tired of the security guards following him around in each store. Fuckers. If you dressed as poor as you were, you had to be prepared to have the Christmas shopping denizens think you were a shoplifter. Who needed this shit? He'd only ever done the five-finger discount while living on the street and starving, never stealing if he didn't have to. //That was over a year ago anyway.// He'd come here to *buy* a gift for Benny.

Pike wanted to run screaming out of the mall but couldn't even do that. People pressed in on him from all directions, worse than in a mosh pit, and they moved so damned slowly and unpredictably. They stopped him from going in the direction he wanted. One woman's large box kept gouging him in the ribs. While he'd never had a phobia about crowds before, he felt one coming on as he drowned under the shoppers.

Finally, a wave washed him into K-B Toy & Hobby. Pike found a small, empty pocket of space and took the time to catch his breath. A display full of action figures caught his eye and made him think of Coy and Luther. They were six and eight now. Did they ever think of him? What did the family tell them about him? That made him wonder again if anyone had ever figured out that Aunt Karen helped him get away. He hoped not, for her sake.

Karen probably thought he was dead, and she'd be justified in that. He'd come close a few times....

Pike felt an urge to buy gifts for her and his cousins. If he didn't put a return address on the box and if he mailed it from a distant post office, no one could figure out where he was.

Except his name would be on the gifts, and it might get out to other relatives, which would let the rest of the family realize that he wasn't lying in some ditch somewhere after all. //Would they look for me? Dad might, even if it's just so he can beat the hell out of me for making him come get me. I'm his property.// So no name on anything then. But... wouldn't getting presents from an anonymous stranger freak Karen and the kids out? They'd probably throw them away unopened, or at least Karen would and never tell Coy and Luther that something showed up in the mail for them.

Pike leaned against the wall, hunched in on himself, and fought back tears. //I've lost them all, good and bad. This is the price of my freedom.//

Last year this hadn't been a problem. Pike had been too busy setting himself up in LA, too poor, too alone, and too dead inside to care. Christmas had been just another day of the year.

Pike couldn't say that he'd been happy that way, but at least he hadn't been so desperately unhappy. Feeling numb could be a blessing.

Right now he felt anything but numb. Everything felt too hot, too bright, too colorful, too loud, too close, too rushed, too slow. Muzak piped the same Christmas songs over and over as background, draining them of all meaning. It all crushed him.

Pike took a deep, shaking breath and waded back out into the crowd. He knew how he could find relief.

******************************************************

Benny unlocked Pike's door, happy to be free at last. //One more party with the 'rents, and I would have gone on a killing spree. "Networking." Made me feel like a fucking debutante.// Now Mom and Dad finally had what they called an "adult" party that they thankfully didn't want him to attend with them. //What do they do there, swing? Oh God, get that out of my head, get it out!// It felt good to be wearing comfortable clothes again, to look like himself again.

It freaked Ben out every time his parents developed an interest in him, because they always took it too far, into the creepy zone. They crowded him, focusing on him so hard that he felt like a bug under a magnifying glass in the sun. They just about put him on a leash and made him perform in a dog and pony show. He really hoped that they would be done with him for now and leave him alone for tonight and through Christmas.

Well, alone with Pike.

Benny hadn't seen Pike in days and missed him deeply, feeling incomplete without him. Pike hadn't answered the phone at all, but he could have been working. Ben wished again that Pike had an answering machine. He'd buy one, but he knew his friend would never accept such an expensive gift.

Ben worried. No matter how hard he tried to reassure himself, he couldn't help feeling that something was wrong.

The door opened on an utterly dark apartment. His nervous mind maniacally supplied, //"'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house / Not a creature was stirring..." It's only eight o'clock. Maybe he's not home?// But he heard Ministry pounding away at medium volume, "You Know What You Are" from the _Land of Rape and Honey_ album. Ben's stomach kept flipping in time with the drums and the static-filled shouts that punctuated the song.

Heart in his throat, certain something was wrong, Benny turned on the light and quickly scanned the apartment until he found his friend. Pike was lying in a tight fetal curl on the bed with his back to Benny. He still had his coat and boots on. Benny moved closer, noting the empty bottles littering the nearby table. He stopped when he faced Pike.

Pike looked like a mess, hair damp and spiked with sweat, face flushed. He had his thumb in his mouth, and even in sleep he had an expression of misery. One bottle stood against the curve of his stomach; it trembled as he breathed. He smelled like he'd fallen into a vat of beer.

Benny had often seen him fun-drunk. This wasn't fun-drunk. This was obliteration-drunk.

Benny kissed Pike's cheek and tasted salt, as he knew he would. It made him feel like crying himself.

Pike opened dazed eyes and moved to sit up so quickly that only Benny's fast reflexes stopped both Pike and the bottle from falling and spilling all over the bed. "Ben, you're here. Does that mean it's over?"

Ben swallowed a bolt of terror and sat down on the bed. "What's over?"

"Christmas."

Compared to what Benny was afraid Pike would answer, that reply wasn't that bad. "Christmas?"

"Wanted to sleep through Christmas. You're here, so it must be done. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition."

"No, I ducked out on the 'rents. It's Christmas Eve."

"Oh." Pike buried his face in Ben's shoulder and moaned. "It's all so... so unfair. And won't you get in trouble?"

"I'll be fine. What did you do today?"

"Went to the mall, then to see this guy I work with, then to the store, then to here. I got your present and wrapped it and everything."

Benny stroked Pike's hair. "That's good. I like presents."

"I know."

"Pike, you... kind of started the party without me. What's going on?

Pike clutched Benny's shirt harder. "Nothing."

"Tell me?"

"Can't. Won't."

Benny pulled Pike into his lap and kept stroking, desperate to make Pike feel better. "I'm Santa. You can tell Santa anything."

"No, you're not."

"Am too."

"You're gonna go to hell for impersonating Santa."

"Pike, tell me what's wrong. You're scaring me."

"I... It's... it's not fair. I spent years plotting the deaths of my relatives, you know? There were so damned many of them, and they were everywhere during Christmas. Everywhere. No privacy; no silence. Ever. I dreamed of being left alone. So why do I fucking miss it? Not all of them, just some of them. I was the one who got abused, so why should I have to be the one who leaves, the one who still gets punished? Why did I have to leave behind everything I ever knew just to be safe? I'm fucking homesick! I miss Coy and Luther and Karen and Mike and Tracy and Sterling and snow and pine trees. Tracy wasn't my girl yet, but I knew she would be someday. I even miss the stupid family Christmas stuff. Y'know, like Dad cutting a Christmas tree down in the dead of night off state game lands and all of us running it to the truck before any state troopers noticed. Decorating the tree with beer bottles. The annual decking of the relatives in a free-for- all. Christmas dinner." Pike gulped in a huge breath. "How can it be Christmas without snow? It wasn't last year. Wasn't really Christmas, I mean."

Decking of the relatives? "You have to be kidding me."

"About the snow? No, we had snow at Christmas. Other times too."

"No, about the family traditions."

"Well, I am about the bottles on the tree. Just joking with you. Empties are too valuable for that. We used them for target practice after dinner." Pike burrowed deeper into Benny's neck. "I hate them all. How can I be so fucking homesick?"

"I don't know." //I feel so fucking helpless. What can I do for him?//

"Won't you get in trouble being here?"

"Supposedly, Christmas is for being with the ones you love. Why would I spend it with my parents?"

"You're cute. Love you. Head hurts, though," Pike mumbled.

The pounding of "You Know What You Are" had given way to the pounding of "I Prefer," which Pike had always called Ministry's homage to Killing Joke. "I'll turn the music off."

"So good to me...."

Benny detached Pike from his coat and turned off the player. When he got back, he saw that Pike had passed out again. He put a cover over his friend and walked to the kitchen to think, unable to bear being in the room with Pike's misery when he didn't know yet what to do about it.

A small, perfectly wrapped box--a splash of red and gold that gleamed against the dinginess of Pike's apartment--sat on the table next to scissors, tape, a bag of bows, and a roll of paper. It made Benny's chest hurt to think of Pike carefully wrapping this present for him, then getting totally smashed alone.

Benny picked Pike's keys up off the counter and put his finger through the ring to twirl them as he thought. He needed to do something.... Light flashed off the metal, catching Ben's eye. He had Pike's keys.

He knew what he could do for Pike.

******************************************************

Pike woke up in total darkness. //I'm sitting up and belted in? I must be in the van. What am I doing in the van? What's going on?//

"Ben?" Pike croaked, then winced as the sound of his voice split his head, which felt as fuzzy as his tongue.

Benny made a snorting noise across from Pike. The sounds of confused struggling followed until Ben sighed, then located the light. The light hurt Pike's pounding head almost as badly as sound did. //This is going to be one hell of a hangover. That'll show me.//

They were in the van for sure. Once Pike had that settled what he really wanted to know was... "What's going on, Ben?"

Benny looked tired and worn out but also uncharacteristically uncertain. "I decided to take you to your home state so you could see snow again." Pike couldn't begin to think of what to say, but his face must have been encouraging enough because Benny continued, "I actually looked at a map because of you. Oregon, right? Least that's what it sounded like on the beach that time. You said you crossed a state line and went south...."

Nobody had ever.... "Yeah, that's right." July. Pike had said that in July.

"Great. I thought we would have gotten further than this by now, though. I was on the road for almost seven hours before I decided to take a break to sleep at the side of the road."

"Seven *hours*?"

"I think we'd just passed Delavan. It's," Ben looked blearily at his watch, "5 a.m. right now. Shit, I only got a half hour's sleep in."

"Oregon's, like, 700 miles away from LA."

"You're kidding me. 700 *miles*? How the hell did you ever make it?"

"I didn't do it on a direct route. It took a while." Benny looked so disappointed that Pike said, "We don't have to go to Oregon or even see snow. But I think far-north California might have snow. I mean, I don't know; it was summer when I ran away from home."

"Actually, I have been seeing snow."

"Then this is fine. When day comes, I can get to see it too. Anyway, just that you'd be willing to do this for me is enough."

"I promised you Oregon, so you're going to get Oregon." Benny suddenly looked almost shy. "Unless you want to go home."

"Anything you want to do is fine with me. I'm in your hands, as usual."

Ben smirked. "You like being in my hands."

"They're really talented hands." Pike snuggled deeper into the blanket he was wrapped in, the blanket Benny must have wrapped him in. //Too good to me.//

"What are you grinning at?"

"The thought of you dragging my carcass to the van without waking me."

"You don't weigh anything."

"And the thought that no one else would do something like this for me."

Ben looked like he wanted to find something he could hide behind. "Well...."

"I love you."

"Of course you do. You have no choice."

"Hey, 5 a.m. It's Christmas." Then Pike's face dropped. "Shit, your gift's back at the house."

Benny smirked. "No, it's not. I brought it."

"For utterly unselfish reasons, of course."

"Hell no. Totally selfish. So?"

"So what?"

"Are you saying I can open my prezzie now?"

Pike smiled. "Hell, yeah. Dig in."

"C'mon back with me. I have it on the mattress."

Once they got there, Ben picked up the small box and shook it gently next to his ear. Pike protested, "Benny, I'm letting you open it! What's all this for?"

"Tradition. Hmm, seems like there's a lot of padding in here."

"That's so it won't move or rattle."

"Spoilsport. You're evil."

"Nope. Now open it already."

"Yes, sir." Benny popped off the bow and devastated the wrapping paper while muttering about how Pike used too damned much tape. He opened the box and tore tissue paper away until he saw and claimed his prize.

Light gleamed off sharp metal as Benny opened and closed the butterfly knife with a graceful movement of his wrist. He stared at it in awe. "This is the coolest gift anyone ever got me."

"I fought with myself about it but decided you have the maturity to own that without hurting yourself or others." Pike gave him a significant look.

Benny flipped the knife open and shut a few more times, obviously mesmerized by the elegant and wicked blade. "Oh sure."

"Benny...."

"Yeah. Mature. Responsible. That's completely me."

"Uh-huh."

"Where did you get this?"

"One of the guys I work with is a Vietnam vet. He sells weapons and military gear on the side."

Benny tackled Pike down onto the mattress and gave him a big kiss. "This is the best gift anyone ever got me ever." Then Ben looked sad. "It beats my gift to you all hollow."

"I'll like anything you go for."

"You don't want anything! So I decided to let you pick a part you need for the van, then buy it for you. And I don't want you to go cheap. I'm not getting you one of those little pine tree air fresheners for Christmas."

"That's sweet. And taking me to Oregon is a good gift too."

"Well, yeah, of course. Doesn't leave you anything to unwrap though." Benny stuck the red, plastic bow to the top of his head. "Except me. But there's bad news."

"Yeah?"

"I want to put out to thank you for the gift but I just can't do it. This sucks!"

"You drove for seven hours and got a half-hour's sleep. I have whiskey dick anyway."

"Merry fucking Christmas."

"We're young; we have time. Right now, I want to snuggle. It's cold here."

Fully dressed, they huddled under the blankets and burrowed close together. Pike put his hand under Benny's coat and shirt and stroked his back, making the skin warm enough to stop pimpling with gooseflesh. "You really are cold," Pike murmured to Ben.

Benny lavished kisses on Pike's neck. "Yeah, but it's nice being under the covers with you. When we get up, it's Oregon or bust."

"Don't say that in front of the van."

"You're weird, Pike. Love ya."

******************************************************

They finally stopped again early Christmas afternoon. Benny didn't just find Pike snow in Oregon, he found a place in Oregon where it was *snowing*, a place that was having a White Christmas.

Pike stood in a once pristine snow-covered field and inhaled home in the dry, crisp, cold air. It smelled clean as it cut through his nose and throat. Snow air. His feet burned in their boots, and he was freezing his ass off. He also felt so happy that he thought he might burst from it.

"Shit, it's cold!" Benny said through chattering teeth. But he had a goofy look on his face every time he glanced at Pike, enjoying Pike's enjoyment. Feathery snowflakes nestled in his black hair and on the red bow he still wore and dusted his trench coat.

"Now this is Christmas," Pike said.

"We anywhere near where you used to live?"

"Nah. Oregon's a big state." Pike felt the urge to look over his shoulder for his father anyway. It kept freaking him out. "It's a good thing to be far away."

"I'm glad. Hey, what are you doing?"

Pike had crouched down to pick up snow in his gloved hands, thankful that he'd never thrown out that winter clothing he'd left in the back of the van. "What do you think?"

"I do this incredibly nice thing for you, and you respond by pelting me with snowballs?"

"What's snow without a snowball fight? Besides, you get to strike back."

Benny smirked and dropped for ammunition. "Now you're talking."

******************************************************

Benny still couldn't believe they were having Christmas dinner at a Chinese food place, a tiny, tacky palace outlined in red, blue, and lavender neon which hummed around them. Pike had said it was that or a truck stop. Ben still couldn't believe Oregon *had* Chinese food.

Benny took another sip of green tea, which he hated the taste of, to try to warm up. His hands and feet felt like blocks of aching ice; he'd never been so cold in his life.

But Pike looked different, rosy-cheeked, healthier. He seemed to glow from within. His grin made the cold and having snow-wet clothing worth it all. //Wish I knew why he keeps glancing over his shoulder, though.//

Pike paused from eating his fried rice to say, "This has been the best Christmas ever. Really. Thanks."

Benny's thumb stroked the butterfly knife in his pocket. "Yeah, I know what you mean. Merry Christmas, Pike."

Ben felt Pike's hand settle on his knee under the table and start to climb.

//Oh yeah. Merry Christmas to *me*.//

***THE END***

The lyrics really don't have much to do with this story, but this is one of my favorite Christmas songs, so....

"Christmas at Ground Zero" by "Weird Al" Yankovic

It's Christmas at ground zero
There's music in the air
The sleigh bells are ringin' and the carolers are singin'
While the air raid sirens blare

It's Christmas at ground zero
The button has been pressed
The radio just let us know
That this is not a test

Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin'
It's the end of all humanity
No more time for last minute shoppin'
It's time to face your final destiny

Well, it's Christmas at ground zero
There's panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris while we trim the tree
Underneath a mushroom cloud

You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
Or Jack Frost on your windowsill
But if someone's climbin' down your chimney
You better load your gun and shoot to kill

Oh, it's Christmas at ground zero
And if the radiation level's okay
I'll go out with you and see the all new
Mutations on New Year's Day

It's Christmas at ground zero
Just seconds left to go
I'll duck and cover with my yuletide lover
Underneath the mistletoe
It's Christmas at ground zero
Now the missiles are on their way
What a crazy fluke, we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday
What a crazy fluke, we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday