This is my answer to this challenge (can't remember the name of the one who made it):

I'd like to call this the 'Noir' challenge. I was watching some old Bogey, last night, when I realized. Angel's a private detective. And there are a million stories in the naked city. SO.

Here's my challenge:
A film noir based on AtS and BtVS. Spoilers fine up to and including season 5. The cast? Angel, a private detective. Cordelia, Angel's secretary, either a long-suffering chicky (secondary C/A UST is just fine with me, hehe.), or the classic hooker with a heart of gold. Wesley, eh, do whatever you like with him, hehe. Stuffy brit who aides Angel, or outta there completely, or whatever. Xander, a rich playboy in need of assistance (mmm, James Bond attire, hehe. Possibly looking for his lost lover?) Spike, a punk on the street with a history. (Maybe an informant of Angels? definitely secretly involved with Xander) Any other characters at will, short of Riley, who I don't particularly care for, hehe.

And we must include:
S/X (even tho' noir is technically never past PG-13, some NC-17 won't be complained about.)
A car chase
A bubble bath
Some mention of a jewelry heist.
Angel ending up in the social papers.

(I might not follow this challenge word for word but it will be based on it.)

*****

Angel leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes as he listened to the faint tapping sounds coming from the outer office as his secretary typed client information into the computer. Cordelia Chase. It had been over a year ago that he'd found her. He had been investigating a case at a hotel and had heard her screams. He had busted the door open and quickly knocked out the man that had been pounding on her as she crouched in a corner, her arms over head in a attempt at protection. From her outfit, he had assumed she was a hooker and he had been correct. She had made no attempt to hide the fact. She wasn't ashamed.

He had cleaned her up and then had taken her to a coffee shop where they had talked. Angel had been amazed to discover that one of the most kindhearted people he had every met hid beneath her brash words and cold, suspicious demeanor. He had fallen in love then and there. When she had risen to leave him, his hand had quickly covered hers and he had begged her to stay with him. To listen to what he could offer her. She had laughed and offered to blow him for free because he had a cute smile. He had blushed then, stammering to her that he wasn't trying to get into her pants for free but offering her a job. A real job. She had crossed her arms over her chest and glared down at him impatiently.

When he offered her a job as his secretary her eyes had widened and she smiled at him, asking if it was going to be the same as what she was doing now, with the exception that *he'd* be her only client. Angel had sighed and stood, dropping some money on the booth, he had looked into her eyes once and then left, walking out of the coffee shop and, he had thought out of her life. He had just turned the corner when he heard the clicking of high heels and felt a hand on his arm. He turned and looked at her as she smiled at him. He led her to his car and opened the passenger door for her. Without a word, she had climbed in and sat beside him. She had cemented her place beside him then and had been there ever since, through good and bad, she had remained at his side. But he had never gathered the courage to tell her of his love for her. He remembered too clearly the look on her face when she had first found out that he was a vampire and had seen his true face. . .

"Boss? Are you brooding again?"

Angel looked up and saw Cordelia leaning against the doorframe. She rolled her eyes when he looked at her as if he had never seen her before. "You look astounding, Delia."

"Yeah." She flashed him a grin. "I tend to do that a lot. I'm sure you could just eat me up." Angel frowned at her and she ignored it, coming to sit on his desk.

"We have a client."

"Oh." Angel murmured, sitting up straight as Cordelia leaned over and fussed with his suit and tie. His gaze followed her delicate hands as they moved over him. He found his eyes drawn to her short skirt and how it was moving up her thighs. He swallowed quickly and closed his eyes.

"There. All pretty now." She brushed Angel's shoulders once more. "You look nice and respectable. This guy is big money so don't screw it up."

"What does he want?" Angel opened his eyes when her hands left his shoulders.

"I dunno. He wants help." Cordelia answered with a sigh, looking annoyed. "Do I have to do *everything* around here?" She snipped, her tone cold.

"Why are you acting like this?" Angel asked her.

"Humm? Could it be because you were *all* over that bitch last night? Let me think. Umm? Yes! That's why!" She gave his tie a last tug, a *hard* tug and walked out the door.

"Kate?" Angel asked. "We were just talking. I needed information; she *had* information."

"Yeah, right. Whatever." Cordelia said, leading the client into Angel's office and giving him a dirty look. She smiled at the client as she showed him the chair.

"Trouble in paradise?" The young man grinned, once Cordelia had left the office.

"None of your business." Angel growled. "Um, I mean, what can I help you with?" Angel gave him an apologetic smile.

"No harm. My name is Xander Harris. I want you to find my boyfriend." Xander ran an agitated hand through his hair. "Money is no problem. Just find him for me."

Angel had an impulse to wring the young man's neck and just put him out of his misery. He wanted to talk to Cordelia. But like she had said, the man was money. Bills had to be paid. He was still paying on that ring he had purchased six months ago. A ring he would most likely never put to use.

"So who is this missing person?" He asked the young man.

"I have a tape of him." Xander said, looking around the room. He spied the TV and VCR against the wall and made his way to it, putting the tape in and activating the video. Angel gave a start when the room was suddenly awash in the moans and grunts of what sounded like a porno video. He stared at the TV screen, watching his new client being fucked by a blonde man. He watched the blonde's face transform and swallowed.

"He's a vampire." Angel stated.

"Yep. Vampire. And if the stories I've heard are true, so are you, Deadboy." Xander said, looking at Angel. He turned his eyes back to the blonde on the screen. "He's good, ain't he?"

Angel didn't have to answer the question as Cordelia walked into the room. Her eyes went to the tableau on the TV screen. "Well, well. Something you want to tell me Angel?"

Angel coughed. "That's our missing person. The, ah, one. . ."

"Doing the fucking?" She smiled at Angel and glanced at the client. "I figured as much." She sat down at her usual spot on Angel's desk. She tilted her head, staring intently at the screen. "He's good." She patted Angel's hand and smiled at him. "I know. I'm an expert. I can just *look* at a person and see if he or she is going to be a good lover." She smiled at Angel. "You know?" Angel swallowed past the lump in his throat.

"Yes. I can testify that my baby is someone special, all right." Xander said, interrupting them. Angel looked at him, grateful for the reprieve.

Angel cleared his throat. "Well, why don't you tell us more about your missing lover. Essential things." He added quickly. Xander nodded and stopped the tape. Angel took in a deep, unnecessary breath.

"His name is Spike. We started seeing each other five months ago. It was love at first sight." Xander gave a sigh as he sank back into the office chair.

"Aww." Cordelia said and Angel squeezed her hand to silence her.

"We spent as much time together as we possibly could. My family is rather famous, so we kept it quiet. We were supposed to meet at his apartment a week ago, but he never showed. I waited for hours. I waited until the sun came up, and still, he never came home." A tear ran down his cheek. "I need to know what happened to him. If he's dead or alive, I just need to know. Most important to me, I need to know if I ever meant anything to him. He's never once told me he loved me. I need to know. I just need to know!"

Cordelia sniffled. "That's just so sad. Of course we'll help you."

Angel sighed, knowing that we meant him. "You really haven't given me much to work on. Where did you use to go? Who knew him?"

"We used to go to a lot of clubs. Especially to one that lies underground. It's called Hades."

"I've heard of it." Angel nodded.

"You have? Why haven't you taken me there?" Cordelia interrupted.

"Humans aren't allowed there." Angel responded quickly in a harsher tone than he had meant to use.

"Then how come *he* could go?" Cordelia asked, raising a perfectly shaped eyebrow. Angel saw the icy glare and knew she wouldn't let this go.

"Well, I'm Spike's mate. The make exceptions for that." Xander explained. "But I thought you two were. . ." He stopped when Angel gave him a deadly glare. "Well, okay. Um, maybe not."

"Why can't I be your mate?" Cordelia demanded of Angel.

"Um, it's a *sexual* thing, Cordelia."

Cordelia rolled her eyes at Angel. "Then let's have sex! I wanna go to that club!"

Xander chuckled, watching at the pair. He stopped laughing when he saw the despair in Angel's eyes. He could see that he trully loved the sniper tongued woman.

"Delia, please. This is serious." Angel told her. He knew that sex meant nothing to her but a means to gain money or scratch an itch. She would never let him make love to her. And he could not bring himself to just use her to get himself off. He loved her too much for that. He watched as she walked out of the room and slammed the door shut behind her. He stared at the closed door until his client gave a cough. Angel turned his gaze back to his client.

Xander starred at him for a long moment. Then he gave Angel a smirk. "You can't go there alone, you know." He told him, as he rose and walked over to him. He smiled at Angel before he straddled his lap.

"What the hell are you doing, boy?" Angel demanded, hands on the boys hips, ready to push him away. Xander licked his lips, settling down upon Angel and rubbing.

"You haven't fucked your secretary. I can tell." Xander whispered into his ear, grinding against him. "I bet you haven't had sex in a long, long time. All that frustration needs to be released. Tell you what." Xander grinned down at him. "I'll do you a favor. I'll let you fuck me." He rubbed down harder upon Angel's erection. "You know us rich folk, always looking to do charity work. No one will have to know. Not your little chick out front, not my Spike. It'll be our little secret." Xander reached down and rubbed against Angel's erection. "Besides," He reasoned. "It's our only way into Hades."

"Pure business." Angel breathed, enthralled in deep dark brown eyes.

"Yep. Nothing else." Xander grinned and then moaned when Angel grabbed the back of his head and kissed him, hard and deep. He gave a snickering laugh when he was pushed off of Angel's lap and turned and bent over Angel's desk. He smiled as his pants were pushed down and over his ass, falling at his feet. It had been too long since he had been fucked. He shivered as Angel's large cock pushed inside of him with only the vampire's spit as lube. He would be sore for days afterward, but he didn't care. All he cared about was that this huge-cocked vampire fucking him into his desk would get him his Spike back. And that his hand was pulling and tugging at his own rock hard cock. He felt Angel bite down into his shoulder and came. He knew that if Spike saw the mark he'd be pissed and came harder. His Spike was so hot and possessive. His bleached baby doll was so hot. God, he missed him!

*****
Part 2:

Angel gazed warily at the demon guard holding the door open and pulled the young mortal closer to him as they made their way down the damp stone steps and into a tunnel that seemed to go on forever. He couldn't help but gape in amazement when they finally reached the end of the tunnel and he saw the underground lake stretching, dark and silvery, before them. Not a single swell or ripple disturbed the surface as it reflected the boy as clearly as any mirror.

"Pretty cool, huh?" Xander whispered to him. Angel just glanced at him before stepping down and into the dinghy that awaited them. The boatsman grinned, gesturing for Angel to sit. Angel held out his hand to Xander and helped him in the boat, seeing that he was seated safely. He reluctantly took a seat next to Xander. He didn't like being trapped like this. In the sewers you could always find a way out. This was completely different.

Xander leaned his head against Angel's shoulder, moving close to him. Angel's first reaction was to push him away, before he remembered that they were supposed to be lovers. That was the cover. Lovers. He gave a silent sigh and wrapped his arm around the boy, sliding his fingers through his dark hair before pushing the young man's head down against his broad shoulder. He continued to stroke the boy's hair, thinking of a different brunette, one much closer to his heart. What would Cordelia think of this place? Would she have been happy to see this underground beauty? Angel sighed, his mouth twisting into a self-depreciating smile. Would she have been happy to be here with *him*?

Music hit their ears, pulling Angel from his mussing. They watched shadows of people dancing across the stone wall before they came around a corner and saw the real thing. The dinghy reached the shore and Angel climbed out, ignoring the boatsman. As before, he reached a hand out for Xander and pulled him ashore.

"Is there anyone here that knew Spike well enough that they might have some information about him?" Angel asked Xander.

"Well, sometimes he was friendly with the owner." Xander responded.

"Friendly?"

Xander grinned. "They never *fucked*, if that's what you're asking." He shrugged his shoulders. "My Spike didn't beat him up. I think that was very friendly of him."

"Does this Spike of yours like to beat on people?" Angel asked, leading them to the bar.

Xander laughed. "Oh, yeah! It's his *thing*." Xander grinned. "He's the Big Bad, see?" Angel rolled his eyes. He thought this Spike character was in need of a good whipping. Big Bad, indeed.

"I'd like to speak to the owner." Angel told the bartender. He was given a head to toe look and a snort. Angel gripped the edge of the bar, trying to keep himself from squeezing the man's skinny throat until his eyes popped out. Xander chuckled.

"Hey! Bobby! Me. Boss. Talk." Xander told the bartender. The man nodded and disappeared behind the curtain.

"Me. Boss. Talk?" Angel growled and Xander shrugged.

"It works. How old are you again? Could people even speak when you were human?" Xander asked, scooping up a handful of peanuts and tossing several in the air to catch with his open mouth. He chewed, grinning at Angel. The vampire hoped the boy choked. Remorse and redemption be damned, the little shit wasn't going to get any help from *him*.

Bobby reappeared, opening the bar for them. Angel pushed passed the boy, making sure he was first through the curtain in case of trouble. What could he do? Self-sacrifice was his un-life. Once you've gotten a taste of it, there was no going back.

Angel stopped at the desk and looked at the man that was sitting comfortably in the armchair behind it.

"Xander! Is Spike aware that you have a new boy-toy?"

"Nope. Not yet." Xander grinned. "But I can't *wait* until he finds out!" The man behind the desk smiled and looked at Angel.

"It's your funeral, vampire. I hope he was worth it."

Angel frowned. Why were they looking at him as if he was already dead? No, wait, that sentence didn't work for him being dead and all. Angel sighed. He was getting a headache.

"So." Xander said, his expression becoming serious. "Have you heard anything about Spike?"

"He's in trouble. Big fucking trouble and it's way more than he can handle." The man pulled open a desk drawer and pulled out two files, handing them to Xander. The boy sat down in one the chairs and opened a file. Hazel eyes glared up at him. He traced the face in the picture with a fingertip.

"She's cute." He commented.

"If you're looking with your *dick*, yeah. Cute." The man gave a humorless chuckle. "But she ain't some innocent little schoolgirl. She's death on two legs, and let me tell you, boy, your death will be downright *ugly*." The man told him. Xander opened the other file, seeing another pair of eyes gazing intently up at him from a different but equally as beautiful face. They had something in common, though. Both sets of eyes burned with an intensity that was captured in the photos. Both fearless.

"Those fucking bitches are completely stark, raving, *mad*. I'm sure you must've heard of them. It's the two slayers."

"Slayers?" Angel echoed, pulling his gaze away from the women's photos.

"Ring a bell, vampire?"

"I've heard stories about them. They gave me nightmares." Angel confessed.

Xander chuckled. "These little girls gave *you* nightmares, big guy?" Xander asked, incredulously. "Sissy."

"I suggest you shut up before *I* become *your* nightmare, boy." Angel growled, snatching the files from the boys hands and examining the contents further.

"Don't you love me no more?" Xander pouted.

"Do you want to find Spike or not?" Angel growled and Xander exchanged looks with the owner.

"He's cranky." Xander commented.

"I'm not." Angel hissed. "Do you know where we can find these slayers?" He asked the owner.

"They move around, depending on where their prey are. They kill anyone or anything in their paths. Doesn't matter to them, human or demon, as long as they make their kills. You be careful."

Xander nodded and stood. Angel held out the files to the owner, but he shook his head. "You keep them. I've got plenty of copies. The pics make great targets for my knife throwing practice."

"I hope you've gotten better at it than the last time I saw you do it." Xander said. "How's Ben?"

"Well, he's still missing an eye but otherwise he's good." The man said, grinning.

Angel found himself missing Cordelia. This would be one of her "eww" moments. He'd do it, but feared an "eww" coming from him would severally mar his big bad vampire image. Besides, no way could he capture the cute little way she scrunched up her nose and. . .

"Angel?"

"Hmm?"

"Please wipe that goofy smile from your face. You're scaring us." Xander said. "The poor guy lost an eye. Funny, yeah, but you don't have to go all smiley about it. Even if you *are* a vampire."

"Oh, no, I wasn't. . ."

"No, it's okay. Remember, I'm dating *Spike*, so I'm used to a sick sense of humor."

"But I wasn't. . ."

"Xander kissed him, a quick peck on the lips. "It's *okay*, really, you sicko, you."

Angel sighed. He *really* didn't like this boy.

*****
Part 3:

Xander jumped into Angel's car with a grin, reaching for the radio and turning it on before the vampire had even opened his door. Unlike Xander, Angel slid gracefully in and fastened his seatbelt before starting the car. Music blared from the speakers and Xander reached over to turn up the volume even louder. "Man. I *love* this car!" Xander told Angel, running a hand across the dash.

"Where to?" Angel asked, putting the car in gear and pulling out.

"You know who would love it even *more*?" Xander asked. Angel truned down the radio. "Spike! You should give it to him." Xander reached over and hit the volume.

"Why the hell would I do that? I don't owe him anything." Angel turned down the volume.

Xander laughed. "Man, I can not *wait* until you two meet!"

"Neither can I." Angel mumbled. Xander reached for the volume control. "*Touch* that and I'll break your fingers."

Xander laughed. "Yeah, sure you-." He stopped, his eyes going wide, and he turned his head to look back. "What the? Angel!" He punched Angel's shoulder. "Make a U-turn! *Now*."

"What?"

Xander sighed in exasperation and reached over to give the steering wheel a hard yank. The car wheels squealed in protest as the car slid into a too sharp turn, fishtailing wildly. Angel managed to get control of the car, hitting the breaks just before they slammed into a parked car. He glared angrily at Xander.

"So?" Xander said, gesturing toward the road.

"*So*?" Angel repeated with a snarl. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Xander rolled his eyes. "So, get on with it! Move!" He pointed again. "Spike! There! In that blue Mercedes. Ack! It's turning the corner now! Floor it!"

"Are you sure?" Angel questioned him.

"You think I wouldn't recognize my baby? My boy? My *Spike*? Are you nuts?" Xander yelled. "You're letting him get away, stupid!" Xander moved his legs up and over Angel's, sliding into the startled vampire's lap. He grabbed the steering wheel and slammed his foot over Angel's on the gas pedal, flooring it.

"This is more like it!" He mumbled, hunched over the steering wheel and pressed so close that his face was almost touching the windshield and the steering wheel was jammed against his chest. He still managed to make the turn and grinned when the blue car came into view. Spike had great taste when it came to stealing cars.

"What are you doing?" Angel hissed, pushing at the boy on his lap.

"Stop it!" Xander ground out. He slammed the back of his head into Angel's face. "It's dangerous to distract the driver. You may, however, continue to wiggle." Xander continued to follow his Spike, staying close to the Mercedes' tail until the car finally pulled over.

The vampire was royally pissed by the time Xander brought the car to a halt, stopping a few yards behind the Mercedes. Xander ignored him, and watched with avid eyes as the other car's door opened. Spike stepped out in all his leather-clad glory. Xander shrieked, bouncing on Angel's lap. Angel growled and Xander quickly opened the door, tumbling out to stare at his lover with equal parts lust and excitement.

"You're the one following me, pet?" Spike asked him, surprised, raising an eyebrow when Angel stepped out of the car behind Xander. "Who the hell is that?"

"Nobody." Xander responded and gave Angel a hard shove back into the car. He stepped up to the blonde vampire and hugged him tight. "Where have you *been*?"

"I asked you who the hell is that!?" Spike said and his eyes widened as he sniffed the air. "Vampire. You've been screwing another vampire!?" Spike grabbed hold of Xander's shirt and hoisted him up.

"Spike, that's crazy talk. I'm your little Xander-pet. It's me. The love of your unlife?" Xander babbled and Spike put him down.

"Don't lie to me, Xander." Spike told him. "I'll know and I'll be *very* angry."

Xander grinned. "In that case, yes I did." He quickly added, "He seduced me! You *know* how easy I am!"

"I did not seduce you!" Angel interjected.

"You have the *nerve* to call my Xander a liar?" Spike questioned, eyeing the other vampire.

"I have the *nerve* to call him a whore." Angel told Spike. Xander gasped and Angel looked at him. "No offense."

"Oh, no. Why would I be offended by *that*!" Xander glared.

"You're asking for a beating, luv. Apologize to my Xander." Spike told Angel.

"Luv?"

"You wanna make fun of the way I talk, mate? Go ahead. Make my day." Spike growled.

"Oh, a classic!" Xander chortled. "How cute!"

"Xan?" Spike glared at Xander. "Shut the fuck up!" Xander threw his hands up in surrender and took a few steps back.

"Okay. Fine. You two just have at it."

"Look, I'm not here to fight. Xander came to me for help." Angel started to explain.

"I see. So you took advantage of my boy while he was in a vulnerable state. That it, then, mate?"

"He sure did." Xander commented, earning a glare from both vampires.

Angel sighed. "It's not like I raped him."

"No." Spike said. "You just fucked him. Fucked *my* boy."

Angel sighed and ran a hand through his hair, cupping the back of his head. These two had given him a headache. "I don't see us getting past this anytime soon. So, what? You want to hit me? Is that it?"

"Hey boys. How's it going?" A female voice asked, interrupting them. The three turned and stared at the blonde who had just spoken. She came, seemingly from nowhere, and into the dim light of the streetlights. A brunette followed her seconds later, grinning maniacally.

"Fuck!" Spike cursed. "*Slayers*. What are you doing here?"

"Just hanging." The brunette answered. "Having some kick-ass fun. Looking for more. Ain't that right, Buffy?"

"You know it. So, what do you say, Faith?" Buffy asked, eyeing the vampires and Xander. "This enough for a party?"

Faith snickered. "Oh, yeah. Let's party with 'em, B." She answered, pulling out her stake.

"Hey! Hold on a minute!" Xander cried, thumping his chest. "I'm *human*!"

"Oh, well then. . ." Buffy pulled out a dagger watching it glint in the light. "I should tell you that I don't mind. It won't bother me." She looked up, smiling at Xander, all teeth. "You're dead, kid."

"Over my dead body!" Spike growled and the Slayers laughed.

"That's fine with us, Blondie. Looking forward to it, really." Faith said.

The slayers came at them. Angel jumped into his car and started the engine. Spike grabbed hold of a terrified Xander and tossed him into the back seat of the car once Angel drove up to them. He jumped in after and Angel sped away.

"Fucking pussies!" Buffy shouted after them.

"Don't worry, B." Faith told her. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a piece of paper, waving it in front of Buffy's face. "Got soul-vamp's address right here."

"I could do you right here, right now." Buffy said with delight, kissing the brunette brutally.

******

"Well, that was fun." Spike commented and gave Xander a kiss. "You okay, baby?"

Xander grinned and took hold of Spike's duster, pulling him down and on top of him. They kissed hungrily. Spike finally broke the kiss, sitting up and tucking Xander close to his side, an arm thrown across Xander's shoulders. Spike stayed silent, staring at the back of Angel's head.

"Hey, ya bloody wanker." Spike finally asked. "Where are ya takin' us?"

"I'm going home. Feel free to jump out any time you'd like. Take the boy with you."

"Yeah?" Spike said, smiling when Xander started to playfully run his hand up under Spike's T-shirt. "You got a big place?"

"It's over, okay? I've helped Xander find you. That was the deal. I'm not going to risk my life and *especially* not Cordelia's life to help you with those demented bitches." Angel said.

"Oh, yes you will, mate. You bloody owe me that much!" Spike growled.

"What the hell for?" Angel demanded.

Spike snorted. "*No* one puts the moves on my Xander and gets to *live*! You should fuckin' know the rules. Cordelia, is it? She's yours? If you don't help me and Xander fight the psycho slaying duo, I'm just going to have to pay your little girlfriend a vist. Return the favor, luv. Get me?"

Angel slammed the car to a stop and jumped out. He pulled Spike from the car and smashed his fist into Spike's face. Angel moved his face close the Spike's and spoke with deadly calm. "You come anywhere *near* her and I'll kill you." Angel's eyes slid to Xander and back. "*And* your little dog."

Spike glared at Angel and shoved him away.

"Angel, *please*. I don't want to die. I don't want Spike to die. Won't you help us?" Xander spoke, dark eyes moist and pleading. Angel glared at him. Fuck. The boy *was* a dog. Cuter than a fucking puppy. Angle muttered something that Spike and Xander took for yes, and climbed back into the car. Spike grinned and hopped back in, flipping off the honking drivers behind them.

"Bloody morons! They should all die." He said pulling Xander close. "Can't they see we're having drama, here?"

"Don't be cranky, baby, he's going to help us." Xander told him. He kissed Spike's nose. "Does it hurt?"

"The hulkin' sod has a great right hook." Spike muttered. He winked at Xander. "Gotta respect that in a guy."

Angel sighed and rubbed the back of his neck as he started, once again, for home. He had a feeling Cordelia was not going to be happy with him once he-they-got there.

******

"Are you out of your *mind*?" Cordelia yelled and Angel sighed. He was doing that a lot lately.

"I'm not going to let anyone hurt you, Delia." He assured her and stroked her face. "I promise."

Cordelia, for once, was silent, locking eyes with him. Her eyes shone with affection for the vampire. "I know." She whispered, smiling as he kissed her hand.

"Oh, God." Spike muttered, looking at the couple. "Could this bloody night get *any* worse?"

"What's his deal?" Cordelia whispered to Angel and he shrugged.

"Brain damage?"

"Really? And what's with the peroxide? I mean, live in the *now*. The 80's are *so* over." She looked at Spike. "Do you know your roots are showing?"

Spike glared at her. "If the 80's are *so* over, why do you talk like that?" Spike mumbled beneath his breath. He looked at Angel. "You have a bathroom around here, mate?"

Angel pointed the way. "Down that hall. Second door on your left."

Spike nodded and went, Xander following him.

"Do you think they'll be doing, um, *things* in there? 'Casue I am *not* cleaning up after them! So not."

"I'm sure they'll." Angel started to say and then frowned. "I'll call for a cleaner first thing in the morning."

******

Spike bathed Xander's chest with his tongue. The young man moaned when Spike bit at his nipple. Xander's eyes drifted shut and warm water sloshed over the sides of the tub when Spike positioned Xander over his thighs, placing his hard cock at Xander's opening.*

Xander held still, startling Spike. "Do you love me?" He asked suddenly, looking into the hungry blue gaze of his lover. Spike frowned, his expression turning serious. Xander bit his lower lip, worriedly. "If you don't. . .then just don't say anything."

"Um, yeah." Spike said and Xander's eyes widened comically.

"Is that a yes?"

"Couldn't be anything else, pet." Spike told him. He grinned when Xander shouted with happiness and then bent to ravish Spike's mouth with his own. The lights went out and the men parted, looking around them.

"To state the obvious. . .it's dark." Xander said.

"Maybe it's nothing, pet." Spike soothed, sensing Xander's fear. "Angel, mate, what the bloody hell happened? You don't pay yer bills?" Spike bellowed.

The door opened and a beam of light was aimed straight into Spike's face. The vampire growled and stood up in the bathtub, dumping Xander with a splash.

"Hell, luv. Aim that thing somewhere else!"

"Oh, God! Scarred for life! Nightmares forever! Angel, you idiot, why couldn't *you* be the one to come and get them?" Cordelia wailed. Angel quickly made his way to her.

"What happened?"

Cordy aimed her flashlight at Spike again, making sure to look the other way. "*That* happened."

Spike waved at Angel with one hand and stroked his still hard cock with the other.

Angel blinked and cleared his throat. "Well, it's not like you've never *seen* one before. After all, you were a. . .um, you've been, that is to say. . ." Angel stuttered to a stop as Cordelia raised an eyebrow and glared at him.

"I *know* I'm not a fucking nun, Angel, but that *doesn't* mean that I can't be treated like a lady!" She hissed.

"Of course. I didn't mean. . .whatever it is you thought I meant." Angel told her.

"Whatever." Cordelia huffed and shoved the flashlight into his hand and disappeared down the corridor.

"Cordy, *wait*! Dammit! It's not *safe*!" Angel shouted. He tossed the flashlight to Spike and took off after his fleeing lady.

"Well, what say you, luv? Shall we follow the drama queens?" Spike asked, stepping from the tub.

"Yeah, I guess we should." Xander said. They heard a scream. "Or not."

******

Angel moved Cordelia behind him, shielding her with his body. The bullet went through his shoulder and he hissed in pain. Cordelia screamed, clutching his arm tight.

"Why is this happening to me?" She cried.

"You're not the one that just got *shot*!" Angel growled.

"Oh! It's *always* about you, isn't it? How can you be so mean and selfish at a time like this?" Cordelia hissed into his ear. "We're all gonna *die*!"

Spike rushed into the room. He threw himself behind a couch after an arrow wizzed past him.

"Stand up and take it like a man, Spike." Buffy said, aiming at the couch. "It's game over for you."

No one noticed Xander as he came up behind Faith until he yelled and jumped the dark slayer. They crashed to the floor, fighting. Angel took the opportunity to push Cordelia to the floor and advance on the blonde slayer. Buffy managed to fire off a shot and an arrow caught Angel in his stomach. He used the pain to free his demon and grabbed the slayer by her hair and slammed her face into the wall, staining it red with her blood.

Spike jumped over the couch and growled when he saw Faith choking his Xander. He gave her a vicious kick to her side and she rolled across the floor, quickly jumping to her feet.

Faith watched as Angel twisted Buffy's arm behind her back, causing her to cry out in pain. "Buffy! You son of a bitch!" She yelled, running to help her lover. Spike stepped in front of her, punching her in the face. Faith dropped and kicked out, trying to trip the vampire. Spike jumped up and landed on her chest. He grinned when he heard her ribs snap.

"Get *off* of me!" Faith screamed.

Spike laughed. "I think not, luv." He slammed his boot shod foot down onto her face, breaking her nose. Spike dropped down on to her chest and grabbed her hair, pulling her head up to his. "You get off on pain, Slayer? No? That's to bad, then. This next part won't be too pleasant for you." Spike began to slam her head down to the floor, repeatedly.

Angel growled when Buffy sank her teeth into his arm. He shoved her away only to move close enough to backhand her hard across the face. He caught her by her hair as her knees buckled and pulled her close to him. He placed an arm behind her back and pulled her head back, sinking his fangs into her neck.

Spike pulled an almost unconscious Faith to her feet and slapped her. When her eyes focused on him he grinned at her. "You lose." Her told her just before ripping into her throat. Spike and Angel moved the slayers back to back and fed. When they were beyond saving or turning they let them drop to the floor.

"Ah. They're *cute* when they're dying." Spike commented, wiping his bloody mouth with his sleeve.

Angel gave a little nod of agreement and pulled the arrow from his stomach. "Ouch. Damn, that *hurts*."

Cordelia ran to him, sobbing. She pressed her hands to his bleeding wounds and Angel did his best to wrap his arms around her.

Xander gave Spike a hug, after reasuring himself that Spike had all his limbs still firmly attached.

"I think I've had more than enough excitement for one night." Xander mumbled, staring at the dead slayers.

Spike nuzzled his neck. "You're not going to faint on me, are you, pet?" Spike asked him, affectionately.

"No, of course not. I'm okay." Xander told him and then passed out. Spike chuckled, lifting Xander into his arms.

Spike rubbed his cheek against Xander's hair. "My poor baby's all worn out." He looked at Angel and Cordelia. "Well, it's been fun." He hefted Xander higher against his chest. "Ta. You won't be seeing us again." He made to leave, but suddenly turned to look at Cordelia. "One thing, you. My roots are *not* showing." He sniffed and once again turned away.

"We *hope* we won't be seeing you again!" Cordelia snipped, glaring at Spike and his burden.

Angel stayed silent as the ones that had turned his nice quiet unlife upside down left his apartment. He gave a sigh and turned to look down at the woman still in his arms. The woman that held his heart, his very life, in her hands.

"Delia?"

"Uh huh?"

"Do you want to go out on a date?"

Cordelia looked at his torn and bloody clothes. The gashes and wounds on his body. At the dead slayers lying in a sorrowful heap on the floor.

"Expensive restaurant?"

"Yes."

"Okay." Cordy said. They started to walk out but Cordelia stopped. "Wait! We forgot something!. She left Angel, running into this office. She came back, grinning, and held out the little velvet box. She placed it in his hand.

"I'll act surprised."

The End