*****

So this is what it means to be human. Haven't been human very long and I don't think I'm very good at it either. It was amazing when it started but then things started going down hill. I became human on orning after saving a pregnant woman's unborn daughter. Guess she was to save the world or something. All I know is the next day at Cordelia's apartment I'm living and breathing. It was different to what I expected. That first day Cordelia and I went to the beach. It was amazing. I sat there under the sun feeling warm and alive. Even tried out the water. Half way through the day Cordelia ran off and brought me some emergency sun cream. Guess 250 years out of the sun would make my skin hyper sensitive. I spent three days after that trying to avoid the sun.

I then turned to the new experience of eating. I discovered that rare steak makes me sick. I have no idea why but maybe it reminded me of my Angelus slice and dice days. Then there was chocolate. I loved the taste of that. I have to control eating it however because now I am human there is this strange thing called putting weight on. So now it's vegetarian and salads.

The next experience was that of mortality. I discovered that I don't have anything like the strength and speed I had as a vampire. It's hard to adjust. I lived for 250 years knowing I could protect myself and everyone around me. Now I can't. I can't help anyone. I can hardly help myself. It was a few days after I became human that Angel Investigations when off to do what we always did. Fight evil. So there I was surrounded by half a dozen vampires and I had no hope. Every punch, kick was ineffective. They just kept coming laughing at my now human abilities. In the end Gunn saved the day. Me? I ended up in hospital with a strained wrist, bruised ribs, concussion and various lacerations and bruises. When I got out I went and joined a gym. I spent nearly 3 hours there everyday but still I couldn't regain that strength. In the end my hopes of still running Angel investigations were dashed. Wesley, Cordelia and I talked about what I could do. Believe me my skills were few and far between. I knew how to torture, kill and main. Couldn't do it anymore but I remembered how. I knew a lot of languages but not the useful ones used to decipher ancient texts. Wesley suggested that maybe I should look for other employment. I could work as an artist or writer maybe.

For days after that I sat and brooded. I couldn't believe that I - once Angelus scourge of Europe could be reduced to being a starving artist. Then I realised. I am not Angelus. I am not Angel either. I can't be. I am not a vampire anymore. I am human with the entire range of human frailties and weakness. I am Liam again. That weak, hurting, useless man. A man brought down by his father and who couldn't see a way out but to accept death from a beautiful woman. I decided then that me as human sucks. I was a failure as a vampire and now also as a human.

Cordelia tried to cheer me up. She suggested that maybe I wanted to find my old life I had left behind. She meant Buffy off course. It was strange but when I became human I never even thought of going to her. A few years ago it had been my - our dream. If I turned human then I could have given her all the things I had left her for. I could give her the sun, life, children. Whatever she wanted - I could do that now. Things had changed however. I had changed and so had she. I realised that I still love Buffy but I am not *in* love with her anymore. She has moved on and now so have I. I decided to ring her and tell her the news. We had a long talk and she cried a little. Still I didn't get the feeling I could come back to her and have things the way they were before. She was no longer *in* love with me either. We talked about seeing each other soon and she wished me luck with my new humanity.

So here I am jobless and alone. I still have my friends but I can't work with them anymore. I don't have the strength or the abilities. I was looking forward to becoming human one day. I never thought it would be now. I wasn't ready for it. I don't think I make a very good one either.

Spike POV:

I can't believe it. It's true what the slayer said - Angel is human.

I overheard the Slayer talking with the Witch. She was crying and saying how if this had happened two years ago everything would be different. If Angel had been human then they could have been together. I didn't hear anything more after that. Just the *Angel* and *human* part. I went back to my crypt and just sat there on my bed all day. Angel is human. Human Angel. No matter how I thought about it - I couldn't see it myself. My sire, the demon that made me was human? First I believed it was some big joke the scobbies were playing on me. So I decided to go to LA and see for myself. I found a nice little dark hiding place outside of Cordelia's apartment and just waited. If Angel was human then he was sure to come out during the day. Dawn came and went and there was still no sign of movement. I was thinking about going over and banging down the door. Still I don't think Cordelia would have invited me in. She would have left me to burn on her front door step. Still around 7am there was movement. A young man with sweats and a T-Shirt comes running out. At first I don't recognise him. He's tall with dark short hair. Damn fine toned body. Then he turns and I see his face.

Bloody Hell. There he is. Angel is human. I am seeing it with my own eyes and I don't believe it. He's standing there in the sunshine. He bends over and stretches long muscles legs and arms. Seconds later he's off on his morning run. I just can't bloody believe it. My sire is human. My beautiful immortal sire is no longer. Now he's human. Human. Wait a minute. Where did the beautiful part come from?

I don't like Angelus never did. I don't like Angel either. All brooding brow and no fun whatsoever. Angel who was all dark avenger. Working against evil and for atonement of his sins. Looks like he's reached that part. He's human now. He has his redemption. He can live as one of them; love, multiply, eat, breath and die. I laugh then. I just imaged Angel as an old man. No teeth, slack jaw, sunken eyes and wrinkles. Then he'll die and...... Angel will die now. Not liking that thought. Angel will grow old and die. I wanted that didn't I? Wanted him to die. Tried to kill him enough times. Run him through with pokers didn't I? Well, actually I didn't. I hired someone else to do but still I wanted him dead. I know I did. I'm sure of it.

Enough of this damn thinking. I want Angel dead. He's human and he'll die one day. That's all good news to me. So why aren't I celebrating? Why does it make me sick just think of him of getting old and dying? I don't like him. I refuse to admit I like him. I don't, far from it - I hate him. He's my enemy. He tried to kill me. I had him tortured. I hate him... Yep. Nothing in here but good old Angel hate.

Now that's strange. Angel's come back from his run. He's sweaty and tired looking. He stretches his warmed muscles and.. Suddenly there is a loud cracking sound. Gun shots. A car shots past and for a second I tear my eyes away from Angel. I see kids laughing and screaming in the car. Guns thrown about. Most likely they are all high or drunk. I turn back to look at Angel to realise he's not there anymore. Strange. He's human it's not like he has vampire speed anymore. I move forward from my hiding place and then I see him.

I grab a blanket I brought with me just in case. Wrap it around my head and run out into the sun. It damn well burns but I can't think about that at this moment. All I see is Angel. Angel lying there in the damp morning grass. His' lifeblood stains his clothing. The bullet wound a large deep hole in his chest. I don't even think about what I'm doing. I just run across to him. I grab his limp mortal body to me and lift him in my arms. Then I am banging, screaming at Cordelia to open the fucking door before I break it down.

"Spike? What the hell to you.." She stares at the body in my arms. Stares at her fallen friend.

"Fucking hell, invite me in!" I scream. She does. I push past her and ease Angel on to the couch. She starts mumbling about calling for an ambulance but I grab her arms. How can I tell her this? How can I tell her that Angel is dying and fast? I don't. I grab the blanket of my shoulders and start ripping it into large pieces. One piece I press to Angel's chest wound. I tell Cordelia to put pressure on the wound. She does it; but I don't even think she knows what she's doing. She just stares at Angel's pale face. Her face slack and tears are running from her eyes like a river.

"Save him, please Spike... Please save him." At first I don't think I heard her right. Still the same thoughts are going through my own mind. Can I let Angel die? Do I want him to die? Isn't this what I wanted? I wanted Angel gone. I wanted him to pay for what he did to me. I want him to pay for abandoning me. I wanted him dead.. right? Cordelia keeps repeating and repeating her request. Great big sobs coming from her chest as she watches her friend die. I remember a day when I used to hope that Angelus could be my friend. He was my sire, my mentor, and my lover... He was my everything and then he left me. He abandoned me. He got a soul and he never cared about his family again. Still..

I touch his pale face. He doesn't have much time left. With each beat of his heart he's pushing out more and more of his life's blood out onto the carpet. I don't have time to question it. I don't have time to think about what I want. I just do it. I push Cordelia aside and press my mouth to his bleeding wound. Hot, Angel blood fills my mouth. It's strange that he still tastes like Angelus did. Good job I didn't need to bite him. Considering I can't. The bullet has made a big enough hole for me to take my fill. I drink him down. The man that was my sire. No longer will that be true however. Things will change. I pull away from Angel when I feel his heart beat start to flutter and slow. I don't even think about the consequences of my actions as I slash my throat. I press his slack mouth to the gaping wound. At first I fear that he's not going to drink. That he's too far-gone. I hold him close pressing his dying body to mine.

"Damn it Angel. Drink! I won't let you die!" Where the hell did those words come from? Still even as they pass my lips I feel the pressure of his mouth on my throat. The blood flowing into him. I hold him tight as he takes great gulps of my tainted blood. When I beginning to feel drained I pull him away from me. I see that for the first time his eyes are open and look into mine.

"Spike?" His voice is but a whisper. He only manages my name as his last breath fades. With that Angel the human dies.

*****
Part 2:

Spike's POV:

Oh, bloody fucking hell. What have I done? I watched Angel get shot and then I turned him. I thought about him dying and I couldn't face it. I couldn't face a world without him in it. What the hell is wrong with me? I should have celebrated watching my greatest enemy die. I shouldn't have tried to bloody save him. I turned him again. I made him into a vampire. I turned my sire. This chip must have made me deranged or something. I just turned my sire back... Wait a minute. I just turned my Sire. I have made Angel my childe. Angel is my childe. He's not my sire anymore. He doesn't have control over me anymore. He can't push me around. He can't order me to do anything. I can order him. Hey, this doesn't sound bad. I wanted revenge didn't I? I wanted Angel to suffer for what he did to me. Now he's my childe and by lore he has to do what I say. There are lots of possibilities here for revenge.. And other things too.

I have got to think what I am going to do with him first. He's comfortable lying there dead on Cordelia's couch. Still this is not where I want him to wake up. I want him all to myself. I don't want his human friends around trying to help him again. No. First off I am going to make Angel recognise me as Sire. He won't be awake for a while yet so I can still move him. I tell Cordelia that we need some chains just in case Angel wakes up violent. She looks at bit worried about that. I tell her that new fledglings are starving when they awaken and he could try to eat her. She decides that I have a good point and leaves me alone with Angel while she goes off to buy so chains. It's dusk as she leaves and when I am sure she's gone; I wrap Angel in a blanket and carry him out to my car. Luckily the Desoto isn't far away since Angel is damn heavy. Must have put some weight on as human. I dump him in the back seat and now I have to decide where to take him.

While at Cordelia's I noticed a file they had on an old Hotel called the Hyperion. It's deserted, old and crumbling. It's perfect. I make a beeline to the hotel and then drag Angel from the car. He'd better appreciate all this. He's bloody heavy. Hope he's not going to notice the bruising and a few knocks on the head. Still he'll be a vampire - he'll heal quickly. Its not like he can punish me now is it? Still I drag him into one of the good rooms with a bed still standing. Next necessity is blood. I don't take long out and I come back with stolen blood bags. Oh, and some chains and other things I might need. Got to be ready for when my childe awakens.

Angel POV:

I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that Spike was here in LA and he was holding me. I remember his arms tight around my body. Holding my warmth body against his cold one. Almost like an intimate embrace. Then suddenly I remember the stab of pain in my throat as his fangs descent into my flesh. I howl at him and then sink my own fangs into his soft cool flesh. I come awake with a sudden gasp. A strange dream considering I'm human now. I don't have fangs or a need for blood. I lay back on the bed and take a deep breath. Strange. Something wrong here. I lye there trying and work out what it is. It's so quiet and peaceful. It's like I don't have a heartbeat... wait a minute. I don't.

That's the silence. My heart isn't beating. It's silent. I'm dead... again. No this is just a dream. It's not possible. I was human. I walked in the sun. I go running every morning. I went running this morning.. Then I remember. The pain. I remember the bullet entering my human body. I remember the blood gushing out and I couldn't do anything but try desperately to carry on breathing. I remember Spike holding me to his throat. Oh, my god. Spike. He turned me again. I'm a vampire. I'll be all evil and Angelus-ly. Still I don't feel like Angelus. I feel like.. Well me. Angel.

"I'm guessing you aren't Angelus." Huh? For the first time I open my new vampire eyes and look around. Strangely the world looks better to me than when I was human. It's dark and filled with shadows. That's the way I should see it. I never got used to looking at it in sunlight. It just wasn't right somehow. I look in the direction of the voice and spot Spike sitting there in an old chair watching me. He looks the same as always. Bleached blond hair, black jeans, and leather coat. Nothing different there.

"No, I'm Angel." I say amazed. I guess that when Willow restored my soul it must have been permanent or something. That even alive or dead I couldn't lose it. Spike looks a little relived. I don't think he wanted the return of that insane creature anymore than I did. Still there is something different with me. I seem to be missing something.

"Hungry?" Spike asks. I nod and take the blood bag he offers. I drink down the cold animal blood. I realise then that I don't have the demon's bloodlust. It's like I am remade without one. Maybe Angelus hasn't returned with me it's just Angel inside this body - the soul. I put aside my empty blood bag and move to sit up. My clothes are all blood covered but I have others at Cordelia's. I wonder briefly why I'm not there. Still now I can go back to my life. I can be Angel again - the dark avenger as Cordelia calls me. I can do my job. I can help the helpless and fight the evil. I can..

"Where do you think you're going?" Spike stands before me; blocking my path to the door.

"Home. Thanks for the help Spike." I move past him but he grabs my arm and pushes me roughly onto the bed. "Spike I appreciate you helping me but I'm not yours too..." He laughs.

"That's the whole point you're missing Angel. You are mine." He laughs again. I've had enough of this. I jump of the bed and push him out of the way. I forgot that I am no longer a 250 year old vampire. I am but a fledging again and Spike is over a hundred years old. I didn't stand a chance. He grabs hold of my shirt and throws me across the room. "I don't think your showing proper respect for your Sire, Angel." He stresses my name and I realise that he's never called by my name much at all. It's always been sire, poof, peaches, bastard or something along those lines.

Spike's punches and kicks come fast and hard. I have no hope in trying to stop him from hitting me. In the end I just try and protect vital parts. Still he doesn't stop and I realise I have to stop this. He's making a point and I haven't shown him I've learned it yet.

"Please, Sire stop." Spike stops in mid kick and withdraws. He moves back into his chair and watches me. I wipe my bloodied mouth with the back of my hand and push my pained body into a sitting position. I don't say anything. A part of me is afraid too. Is this what Spike wants from me? Is this why he turned me back so he could have his revenge for what I did to him? Or roles are reversed now. I am no longer the Sire; the one in control - he is. I am now his childe - his property. I shiver as I remember what I did to him as a fledgling. How I taught him the rules and the lore. How I beat him for disobeying me. I think I would have been better off dying if Spike wants to repay me for what I did to him. I decide not to push my new sire and I sit silently waiting his command.

Spike POV:

Oh, shit. What am I doing? This was a bad idea. This whole taking a childe thing - an incredibly bad idea. I should never have turned him. I don't know what came over me. I didn't expect Angel to be all obeying and acting like a new fledgling. He knows all the ins and outs of being a vampire. Still I don't know why but it infuriated me when he called me Spike instead of Sire. Then when he was about to leave I couldn't let him go. I threw him across the room and then started hitting him. I stopped only when he called me sire. The word brought me back in control and I threw myself in the chair watching him.

Beat him up pretty well too. He's got a split lip, broken nose and other bruises. He's staring at me with large liquid brown eyes. I know what he's thinking. He's thinking that this is some sort of revenge thing. Well, he's got that right. He's going to recognise me as Sire and recognise his place as childe. His eyes stare into mine for a moment and then he looks away. He brings his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around his legs. He looks so small and vulnerable like that. The truth is I don't know why I was so angry. Yes, I wanted him to call him sire but when I thought he was leaving I just lost it. I couldn't let him go. I couldn't bare the thought of him going back to his human friends and leaving me alone again. I won't let him go. He's mine.

I grab a fag (English slang for cigarette) from my pocket and light it up. I have to plan what I am going to do with him. How am I going to make him my childe? Back when Angelus was my sire and mentor he taught me with his fists, mouth, fangs and hands. It was sex when I was good and beatings when I wasn't. It was a bite on the throat when I refused to submit to him and he would leave me half drained begging for him to forgive me. Still that was Angelus and now this is Angel. My Childe isn't that demon and yet when I look at him I remember our past. He looks the same as Angelus. He tastes the same but in his actions and words show he's not the same. He's still beautiful as he was then. All smooth, silky pale skin. Huge muscle defined body. Large melting chocolate eyes, soft kissable full lips... What the hell am I thinking off? I don't like Angel. I don't want Angel. He's hasn't got a gorgeous kissable body. He's not got soft hair that I want to run my hands through. Stop thinking this instant!

Oh, Fucking hell. No! I refuse to accept this. I stand up and start pacing. I can feel Angel's eyes watching me as I pace. Those soft chocolate eyes I want to glaze into. No they are not chocolate they are just plain brown. Nothing special about them. I kick the chair and it fly's across the room. Angel makes a soft gasp. His eyes are wide in surprise and his lips parted a little in an O shape. Angelus had the best mouth ever. Could kiss like a dream. I wonder if Angel can.. No. I have to stop thinking about him. This is about Angel being and acting like my childe. I don't want him. I don't love him. (When did love come into this?) No, I certainly don't love him. I didn't turn him because I couldn't bear to see him die. No I turned him to have revenge. I want him to suffer what I did and that's all. There was no other motive to turning him. Nope. None what so ever. No.. No.. Oh, god is he crying?

"Childe?" My voice is soft and completely unintentional. I kneel down before Angel and touch his shoulder. He draws away from me and I growl softly. Angel becomes stiff and he doesn't move again. I run my fingers down his smooth cheek and tip his head up. "Do you want to see your friends?" I ask.

"Yes,... Sire." I pull Angel up and tell him to get cleaned up. He comes back a few minutes later with a clean face and his wounds are nearly gone. I should really have brought him some clothes. The ones he's wearing are covered in his blood. Still I assume he as some at Cordelia's. He follows me to the car and doesn't say a word. It's a little annoying in a way. I want him to talk to me. Say something even if it's to tell me go to hell. I don't think I like Angel all broody over me. No.. Wait a minute. I don't want him happy remember. I want him in to know his place and speak when spoken too. I have to remember the plan here. I am still the big bad. I am still an evil vampire and now I am Angel's sire. He's going to learn what it's like to have the slayer killer as a sire. I set my resolve and tell him to get in the car.

"There are going to be rules Angel." I decided that on the way to Cordelia's that Angel is not going to be pushed around by his human friends. They are going to want him to move back in with them and work helping the helpless or some other crap. Leaving me is out of the question. I can't properly train him if he's not with me can I. It's not because I want him around either. No. I am going to tell him his position and he's going to learn it. I am the sire and he's the childe. He's going to obey me and live with me. He's not leaving - ever!

"First you are mine. I am your sire and you will address me as such. Second, you ask my permission to do anything. Third, You aren't going back to living with Cordelia. You pack your things and come home with me without an argument." I can feel his eyes staring into the side of my head.

"Spike. I might be your childe but I was your sire once. I can't obey you like that. I have a job to do..." He doesn't get very far. I slam on the car brakes and I am pining him to the seat in a second. He obviously forgot who's the stronger one here now. I grab hold of his hair and pull his head back exposing his throat. I shift into game face and sink my fangs into his soft skin. He gasps and tries to wriggle free but he can't. My hold is like steel and I won't let him go. He can't fight my strength and will as well. I continue to drain him and he starts moaning with pain. I almost pull away from him but I can't. I won't let him win.

Angel POV:

Spike agrees to allow me to go to Cordelia's. I am sure there I can sort this out with him. Show him that I can't be his childe. I won't submit to him. He has to realise that I was his sire once. In some ways I still am. I realise that he wants total control over me when he starts listing his rules. He can't think I'll obey him does he? I was a vampire once; I know the lore. I know he has rights over me now. Still, why would he want me as childe? He never liked Angelus. Yes, he was his sire but he wasn't a good one. He was cruel and unforgiving. He beat and shaped Spike into the vampire he became. He destroyed the boy William turned him into this creature beside me. A creature without care or feeling. A demon with a taste for destruction. The only reason why he isn't killing everyone I know is because of the chip.

Still I have to wonder why he turned me. Why he saved me? From his rules I think I understand. It's all about payback. He's chipped and he can't kill or even hurt humans. He's prevented from being the vampire he is. He can hurt demons though. He's turned me back into one now. He can hurt and punish me. Take all his aggression out on his Sire turned Childe. I won't let him. I refuse to be his punching bag. I refuse to be his vessel of revenge for what Angelus did to him as a fledgling. I start to tell him too. Called him Spike and not sire. Maybe I pushed too far? In a move even I couldn't see he's stopped the car and got me pined to the seat in a second. His hands are hard in my hair and he pulls my head back hard. I try and break his hold but he's like solid rock above me. Suddenly I feel the pain of his fangs ripping open my jugular and swallowing me down. My new vampire blood is being pulled out of my body at an alarming rate. I feel myself getting light headed and my limps become heavy and cold. I gasp in pain and try to beg him to stop but the words can't come out of my frozen lips. I lose control of my body and I become limp in his grasp. He raises himself above me and cold blue eyes look into mine. My glaze is blurry but I can see his anger.

"You are my Childe, Angel. Don't you ever forget that." His fingers touch my cheek and for a moment I think I see something more in his eyes. No. I have to be wrong. Spike could never care for me. Not after all I did to him. I killed him, turned him and then destroyed whatever humanity remained in him.

So this is my punishment. Maybe the powers planned this all along. Maybe that's why they turned me human so my victim could take his revenge. So I suffered for what I did to him - to all my childer. If that's true then there is a bleak future before me. I don't know if I can ever give the submission that Angelus demanded of Spike. I know in the end I am going to end up fighting him like he did me. Fighting even when I beat him, even when I raped him. Then I suppose when I am broken and dependent he'll up and leave me like I did him. I feel tears pick my eyes and then Spike's soft fingers wiping them away.

"You are mine, Angel." I don't know if it's those words that cause me to cry or what they mean. Am I his? Do I belong to him to punish and controlled? Or do I cry because I want him to want me as Angel and who I am not what I was. Suddenly without warning he's kissing me. Even if I could respond I wouldn't. I would be in too much shock too. I wasn't expecting this at all. I didn't expect any kindness from him.

His tongue pushes his way deeper into my mouth and probes my teeth and palette. I can only gasp weakly under him. The fingers of one hand are still buried in my hair and he tilts my head to get deeper penetration. The kiss seems to go on forever. He tastes good in my mouth and I forgot how talented he was. I moan as his lips finally leave mine. Then they're back again but this time when he trusts his tongue in I can taste his blood. Sire's blood. Powerful, strong and seductive. It runs into my mouth and down my throat making me stronger. As soon as I am able I suck on his tongue forcible. My face changes and my lengthening fangs bite into him. I don't take much and he rips my mouth from his.

I try desperately to kiss him again. Not because it's kissing but because I want his blood. He knows this too. I need him. I need him as my sire to feed me and make be strong. There aren't other motives. This is a trick used by a Sire to bind their childer to them. Feeding them a little of their blood from time to time; making the childe want it more and more. It was something I never tried as Angelus. I kept my blood to myself. This control method is working too. I desperately want to taste him again. He's tastes better then chocolate; the sweetest ambrosia. Spike draws away grinning knowing his trick worked.

He reaches into the back of the car and grabs a couple of blood bags. I drink them down desperately. They help replace what he's taken but they don't taste like he does. I feel the strength returning to my body and sit up. My throat throbs from his bite and I rub it gently. He's staring at me again. Watching my hand rub over his bite. He licks his lips and I suddenly want him to bite me again. I shake myself out of the thought and rest my hands in my lap. I won't give him something else to use against me. I won't let him know of my feelings for him. Of Angelus's old feelings for him either. He won't ever know that even the demon that couldn't love cared for him. He wasn't the perfect childe. He fought and screamed and raged but that made Angelus care for him all the more. I still feel that. Even when I was human the feelings remained. I denied them because the soul part believed them wrong. Wrong to care for a demon even though he was my childe. Now I have to deny them because if he knows he was another weapon to use against me. A weapon that I know will destroy me.

"Well?" Asks Spike breaking through my thoughts. I stare at him for the longest moment and then I say it.

"I am sorry, Sire for my transgressions." The words sound strange coming from my mouth. Still it's not enough. He's still staring at me. "I belong to you and you alone sire." That seems to please him and he starts the car again.

I have never felt so alone as I do now. Even when I spent a 100 years alone after I received my soul back did I feel like this. I feel cold and empty inside. I always thought before that I had family in the world. That I had sire and Childer. Now I feel I have nothing. It's all gone - taken from me. I have nothing. I have a sire that hates me. A sire that wants me controlled and tethered to him as a slave. A part of me hoped that deep inside Spike he remembered William. He remembered that once he cared for me. Well I think he did. When years ago as Angelus; when I took him he would beg me to love him, touch him and I did. I held that thought through the lonely years. A thought that was obviously incorrect and misinterpreted. Did he say those words to placate me so I would be gentle? Spike hates me now and he has every reason to. Still strangely enough I cannot hate him. I never did. Not even when he tried to kill Buffy or me. I didn't hate him. He was my childe. I know I never told him but I thought maybe he would know. Maybe he could tell that when I held him it's because I wanted him; not because I wanted to control him. He didn't see and now he has control over me. No longer am I the sire but the childe.

*****
Part 3:

Spike POV:

Angel is quite and withdrawn the rest of the way to Cordelia's. He doesn't move from being pressed up against the door - the furthest he can get from me. I know he hates me. I see it in how he won't come near me. He won't look at me and every time I catch his eye he turns away from me. I was stupid to ever believe that Angel or even Angelus could ever feel anything for me. Never once did he say I was a good childe or that he cared. I guess those times when he held me gently and loved me sweetly were just another way to control me. Well, that's just fine. I don't care about him and he doesn't care about me. That will make this easier to do. Easier to show him who is the Sire here now and who is the childe.

Angel is still silent when we arrive at Cordelia's. He doesn't talk as I get out and then he follows behind. He's looking like a puppy dog that's lost his owner. All big sad eyes and tight-lipped. I can't decide if I want to hit him or kiss him. I do neither. Cordelia lets him in with a cross and stake in her hand. Behind her are Wesley and Gunn.

"Are you still Angel?" Is the first thing she asks.

"Yes, Cordelia I am still have my soul; I didn't go evil and its looks like Willow's spell before firmly fixed my soul to me." Cordelia immediately jumps into Angel's arms and hugs him tight. He yelps as the cross touches his skin and she starts laughing and apologising. I don't like the way she hugs him. All touchy feely. Going to have to put a stop to that in the future. I certainly don't like how he's responding either. He's never hugged me like that. I am not jealous.. I refuse to accept that I am jealous. I am about to say something about there touching when Wesley approaches me.

"Well, thanks for the help Spike and saving Angel. Be sure to tell Giles Hello from me when you get back." He puts his hand on my arm and guides me out of the front door again. I shake his arm of and stand next to Angel. I grab his arm and pull him closer. He doesn't like it but I growl softly and he stops pulling away.

"Angel get your things now!" I order in the Sire tone he used to use on me. Angel looks as though he's about to argue. I didn't want to do this in public doesn't mean that will stop however.

"Spike, I can't do.." I don't even give him chance to finish. I grab his hair again and sink my fangs into his neck. "Sire, Please." He cries. I know it must hurt having your blood drained twice in one night. He tires to push me away but he's still not recovered fully from the last time. I let him go when he's knees finally buckle. Suddenly I am pushed away from Angel and the kid Gunn presses a stake to my chest. Cordelia runs over to Angel helping him stand up. The stake breaks the skin when suddenly Gunn is pulled away from me.

"Don't.." Gasps Angel. He's weakened by the blood loss but he's still stronger than a human is. He pulls Gunn of me and stands before me in a defensive manner. "It's not what you think.." He turns to me and his eyes beg me to help him. "Please sire." He's on his knees before me. A part of me reveals in the fact I have control over him. I have Angel here on his knees before me. In front of his friends too. He's begging me to help him. Me. Another part however feels ashamed of what I am reducing him too. Making him beg and plead with me. Making him kneel before when he's such a proud strong man. Still the Sire part wins out and I decide I like him on his knees. If he can never love me then at least he can show me respect. (There's that word again. Love - How did that word get inside my head. I don't love anyone or anything. Okay!)

"Drink Childe." I tell him finally. I offer him my wrist and his face changes. I nod when his eyes look into mine. He takes the offer and sinks his fangs into the artery. I allow him to take more blood that last time. I don't know why but it feels so good to have him take it. The feel of my childe feeding from me. My childe needing me to survive. My childe wanting my blood even if he wants nothing else. I touch Angel's hair softly as he feeds. I can almost feel his need through our bond. His body calls to mine. His blood sings to mine. My beautiful childe clings to me and I am loathed to push him away. I wonder if Sire's have always felt this for their childer. This deep connection of blood, lust, desire and life. I don't know because - not even Angel knows this - but he is my only childe. He is the only vampire I have created. He is my first and I don't know if these experiences are because we share a unique past or it's normal with other vampires too.

Damn it. I am going soft again. I push Angel off my wrist and along with that the feelings of desire and lust for him as well. I refuse to admit their real. They are just a side effect of the Sire/Childe bond. Something I will learn to ignore because I don't want him and I don't need him. What I want is for him to need me. No, that's not right either. I have to stick to my plan. My plan to make him pay for what he did to me. Yeah, make him suffer. That's the plan. Nothing else.

"Now childe get your things." Angel nods and leaves the room. He doesn't look at his friends and doesn't stop when they call to him.

"Spike what are you doing?" Growls out Cordelia. I smile at her. She would make a great vampire. I wonder if one day I should turn her. Then I would have two childer to care for. No. One is enough. Angel is already a handful. Constantly needs watching and ontrolling. I can't cope with two like him. I wonder why Angelus turned me at times. I mean Drusilla must have been a huge problem. She was insane and I doubt she was obedient. Then around twenty years later he turns me. I certainly wasn't helpful and there was time when Darla wondered why he didn't stake me. He never did though and sometimes I wonder why. No, it couldn't be he cared more likely he enjoined punishing me after.

"I thought you off all people would realise what's going on." I smirk at them and light a fag. I blow the smoke into their faces and smile some more.

"You're claiming your right as Sire." Says Wesley more quietly. I think he actually gets it. "Your doing what Angelus did to you." Oh, Yeah he gets it all right. Guess he's more intelligent than he looks.

"What do you mean Sire rights?" Asks Gunn.

"When a master vampire is turned the one who turned them have certain rights. In many ways they own the new fledgling in mind and body. They raise, teach and guide them until they can care for themselves."

"Angel knows all that." Gunn interrupts.

"Yes he does. The Sire has certain rights over the childe. If a sire refuses to let the childe leave him then he can't. He has to obey. He's drawn to obey the sire through Blood and lore. Spike's using that right against Angel now and there isn't a lot he can do about it now. He's no longer Spike's sire but his childe."

"That's right mate. Angel belongs to me. I decide where he goes and what he does. Just as Angelus did when he turned me."

"This is about revenge isn't it?" Cordelia sneers at me. "Angel told me about Angelus and what he did to Penn. Angelus did that to you and now you're making Angel suffer for it." I don't answer just grin.

"You can't do that." Says Wesley.

"Why the hell not. You can't stop me treating my Childe anyway I see fit."

"Angel has a soul. He's not like other vampires. He's not even the Angelus you want to hurt. The demon is gone if I assume correctly." I don't answer but Wesley takes that as a yes. Angel never lost the soul and when he became a vampire again he didn't gain a new demon. The demon Angelus died when Angel became human. "You can never have revenge Spike because Angelus is already dead."

"No he's not. He's right there." I point to the guestroom. "He just has a soul now but he's still the man that killed me. He's still the man I...." Love? Was I going to say love. Nah. Hate. That's what I meant. I hate him. Still I don't continue as Angel walks into the room with a couple of suitcases. He walks up to me with his head down and stands beside me. I can feel the pain radiating from my childe. Feel his misery and suffering. Well that's good - right? This is what I wanted. I want him to pay for what he did. Right? Right. I will not change the plan.

"You have everything?" I ask him. Angel nods. "Get in the car." He leaves. Cordelia tries to follow him but I stop her with a hand. She pushed me off. "If you need Angel you can reach me at the Hyperion hotel." I leave them standing their staring after Angel and me. I don't look back. I don't need to smell their fear and hurt.

I get in the car and look at Angel. He's curled in the front seat with his head resting on his knees. I can feel his pain and misery through the bond. For an instant I wonder if this is right. I don't want to destroy Angel; I want him to suffer. I want him to know what it was like for me as his childe. I want him to understand what he did to me. For an instant I think about letting him go. Letting him go back to friends that love and want him around. There's that word again. That instantly changes my mind. No! If I can never have loved than neither can Angel.

We don't talk at all on the journey home. I'm too angry and Angel's too hurt. Occasionally I look over at him. I catch him touching my bite mark on his throat. I wonder how it makes him feel? Hurt? Punished? Hated? Does he feel my anger at him - my pain? Still if he did why does he keep touching it?

Angel POV:

I can't understand this. I can't understand me. I know I should be fighting and screaming at Spike for how he degraded me before my friends. I know before I would never have taken that from anyone. So why am I doing it now? Is it this new bond between us? This childe/Sire thing. I felt it when he bit me at Cordelia's. I felt his hurt and his anger. Also I felt jealously. I couldn't understand what off. Was it because they were friends and cared for me? Or was it because I had them and he didn't? Because I took away all his family and friends when I turned him so he's taking mine. I think that must be it. Maybe that's why I didn't carry on fighting him. Why I stopped and obeyed him without question. I deserve this. I deserve to be punished and abused. I deserve to have my Sire hate me. Still when I touch his bite I don't feel that. I don't feel hate. I feel something else - something warm.

I take my hand away from my throat when I feel Spike watching me. I wait for him to question and ask what I doing but he doesn't. I wonder if he felt it too? That difference when he bite's me. I never felt that when I used to do that to him. When he was my childe; I never felt anything. This is something new. Something that I haven't worked out what it means yet.

When we reach the hotel he tells me to take my things to our room and get ready for his return. I was going to ask where he was going but I don't. From the look of anger in his eyes I would expect him to hit me. So I don't and he doesn't say anything more. I get out and take the suitcases with me. Spike puts the car into the gear and in seconds he's gone. Strangely I do as he says. I am too tired to fight him.

It's hard to explain about Sire and Childer. Their blood creates a bond between you. They created you; made you all that you are. They are like god to their new fledgling. A fledgling doesn't have the strength of will to usually disagree or even disobey their sires until they are much older. Maybe a year or more. I don't have that. I am stronger maybe because I was a vampire before I became human. Still the bond is still there. It calls me to obey and follow where my sire leads. I feel it now more keenly now Spike's gone. The vampire Childe in me misses his presence, his directions. Misses the smell of his blood. The taste that calls to me. Blood given to the childe strengthens the bond between us. It makes me need Spike; it binds me too him. Bonds that only be broken my death - his or mine. I don't want to kill him. I never did. I don't want this to end in that way. I all ready have killed one sire and that nearly destroyed me. I grieved for weeks after because it left a whole in me no one could ever fill. Now my new sire fills that whole. I can't do that again. I know I can't kill him but I don't know how I can live with him either.

Now all I have to do is wait. Wait for my sire to return and for whatever new tortures he has planned for me. I try and not think about how I raised Spike. How I treated and abused him. How I used him for my own pleasures. Is that what's he's going to do to me? Is that what I am waiting for? I don't know but I can't run from it either. Spike is my sire and no matter how hard I try and fight it; it's always going to be true. I cannot kill him therefore I am going to have to accept him. I will never let him know why I can't kill him. The true reason. The things I feel for him. I won't let him touch that. I won't let him destroy those precious moments when I loved my childe. I did love him. Angelus never did but when I got the soul back I did love him. That's why I left. He couldn't deal with a Sire that was an emotional wreck and wanted to love him. Demons don't love and Spike could never have accepted me.

Spike POV:

I couldn't sit in the car another moment with him. I had to get away. I stayed a whole day with Angel and found that I didn't mind his presence. It was calming in a way - when I wasn't planning on how to hurt him. I don't like it. He's playing with me. He's using the mind tricks Angelus used to hurt me again. Trying to get me to feel for him again and then I won't punish him. That's were he's wrong. I won't let Angelus or anyone do that to me again. To make me love him and then abandon me.

I yell for another bottle of whiskey from the bartender and drink half of it down straight away. I had to get away from Angel for a while. I have to try and think straight. I left him at the hotel and came here to this stinking bar. I could have found somewhere better but I was desperate for alcohol. I wanted to wash the taste of Angel from my mouth. The taste of his sweet blood. The taste of his mouth under mine. The taste of his... Oh Fucking Hell, Shut up!! I have got to stop thinking about Angel. It's all Angel this. Angel that. What Angel needs. What Angel's done. I finish of the second bottle of Whiskey and scream for another. I am going to get drunk and that will stop me thinking about Angel completely. That's my new plan and I am sticking with it. Get drunk - forget about Angel.

A couple of hours later I am stinking drunk but still thinking about Angel. I think about his beautiful face. His chocolate eyes. His soft welcoming lips. I think about how his body would fit next to mine when I lay him naked on the bed. How he would feel when I kiss and lick down his hard heavenly chest. How he would moan as I bite and tongue his nipples. How would he feel when I enter his tight little hole? Would he scream for me? Begging me to take him hard and fast. Woe, stop right there. What am I doing? Thinking about making love to Angel? No fucking way. There's going to be none of that. No way is he going to see what I feel. No way is Angelus....

Oh uh, wait a moment. What did Wesley say? There is no Angelus. Oh, shit. No. That's not right. What about my whole plan? What about the part where I get to pay him back for everything he did to me? What about making him suffer like he did me. Making me love (that fucking word again!) and breaking me into tiny pieces as he laughed at any show of emotion on my part. I denied my emotions everything just to please him. I caused massacres just to get him to smile at me. Bastard never did and now? Now, he's gone. My sire is dead and I never got to say what I wanted to him. Haven't decided what I did want to say. Was it I loved you and you never loved me - so now I want to kill you? Or was it why couldn't you love me? Was it because I was a bad childe? Why?

If that's true and this Angel is purely the soul then what do I do with him? Can beat him and rape him like Angelus did me? Would that make me feel better? He looks like my sire I could believe that it was he. Oh bloody hell, why do I get myself into these messes. I have a childe now. A childe that needs me. I've made him need me. I've gone and given him a craving for the taste of my blood now. Damn it. What to do? I've given up on the getting more drunk part. It doesn't stop me thinking about Angel it just confuses me more.

I'm not sure how I got home but I make it in just before dawn. Was cutting it a little close but hey I'm still in one piece. I manage the stairs of the hotel and go into the room I've chosen for us. There sleeping in the chair is my Angel. Wait.. Back that up. My Angel? No. I meant Childe. That's it my childe. It looks like he's done as I asked and was waiting for my return. That's nice. Still it wasn't how I had it planned. For one thing he's still dressed. Not pleased with that at all. I shake of my duster and let it fall on the floor. Now what am I to do with a disobedient childe?

He looks so peaceful and relaxed sleeping. His face softens and he looks so much younger that his 250 odd years. I wonder how that works. Do I count how old he was before or start again. If I do then he's only a day old. A baby still. I grin and look down at my childe. Nope, he's no baby. I unbutton his shirt and let my hand wonder down his chest. He feels cold, hard and so damn good. Angel moans lightly in his sleep and his body presses into my hands. Never done that before. Angelus never pressed himself to me. Never showed he wanted me. Must be the sire/Childe bond thingy? Or the fact I've shared my blood twice with him? Hum. He smells good enough to eat. Think I will.

I move around to the back of the chair. I tilt his head to the side and sink my fangs into his exposed neck. Angel comes awake immediately. He gasps and moans in my grip as I take his blood again. I watch though half-closed eyes as his body writhes and bucks below me. I never dreamed it could ever be like this. Angelus never once after he turned me fed me his blood. Only did I ever taste that god's blood once. The blood of my creator was forever denied me. Maybe I should deny him too but it feels so good. His taste is better than any I have ever tasted before. Then the feel of him drinking from me is as powerful as any aphrodisiac. Where did that thought spring from? I tell ya, this chip must be have scrambled my brain when it comes to Angel. Even thought I loved him once or twice today. Still at this moment I don't fight it. I want him to bite me. I want him to taste sire's blood. Above all I think it makes him easier to control. I draw away from his neck and look at my childe sprayed out before me. He's panting and moans when I pull away. He unconsciously touches the bite wound and moans deeply in his chest. Now that's interesting. Never seen that before. Does he like me biting him too?

I have to test my theory. I move down again and catch his hand pulling it away from his throat. I bite again but don't suck this time. Angel moans loudly again and lets out a low purring sound. Never heard that sound from Angelus ever. I have no idea what's happening between us. I can only assume this must be normal Sire/Childe relationship. The one I had with Angelus was the unusual one. It has to be. I refuse to believe that I feel for him. I don't - I think I covered that before. I don't love him. I don't want him. I don't.. Hey what's he doing now?

"Sire... Please." Angel whines in my ear. His body is arching of the chair and I can smell the husky scent of his arousal. What the hell? I put my finger to my mouth and bite into it. It hurt like hell when I scrape bone. Still I press my dripping finger to his lips and he takes it into his mouth. He sucks and worries the wound with his tongue but he doesn't bite. I lean back down to his throat and again sink my fangs in sucking desperately.

Angel comes with a scream and a moan. His body arches of the chair and I fear he's going to break something. I pull away from his throat and pull my finger from his mouth. He's bit into me and I can see the bone through his bite. Not pleased about that either. I push him from the chair and he stares startled at me.

"Strip and kneel beside the bed now Childe." I growl at him. Angel hesitates for a moment but when he sees me raising my hand he quickly obeys. I watch as he strips out of his shirt and spoiled trousers. His naked body is hard, pale and beautifully smooth. Angelus was always a perfect specimen of Male beauty. Now I think he's even more so. He's more muscled now than before if possible. Looks like he took effort when human to keep in shape. All the other attributes are the same. Attributes that now belong to me. Hum? Where to start?

*****