*****
Dear Diary,
Ya know what? I just can't avoid the weirdness factor. I think it purposely seeks me out...just to mess with my head.
What do I mean, you ask? I'll tell you.
Tonight, Spike and I hosted a sort of "Scoobie Movie Night Extravaganza" and it was of the good. Mostly.
It started out well enough anyway. Everyone showed up sometime between eight and eight thirty and we did the whole "dinner" thing. I had a blast too. At least, I did during the first half of the night. The second half was spent with me flip-flopping from paranoid to introspective and back again. But anyway, here's what happened...
Buffy was wearing this blue velvety type shirt and the texture caught Tara's attention in a big way. The blonde ex-witch kept following the Buffinator around so that she could try and pet her "fuzzy...so fuzzy". It was charming in a sad sort of way.
Dawn was thrilled to spend time with Spike. She always is. And he, in turn, adores his "little nibblet". She regaled him with an endless stream of stories about her and her girlfriends from highschool...detailing their many "Mall" adventures.
My job was to entertain Giles and keep an eye on Tara while Buffy and Willow threw together a quick chicken type dinner. It was really good too. And things went a lot smoother once I distracted Tara from Buffy's shirt with my Legos. When the food was done, we ate and then I popped in the movie that Willow had rented.
It was...unashamedly girly. Neither Spike nor I had any interest in it whatsoever. After a stunning display of patience...in which Spike actually sat through the first twenty minutes waiting for the violent parts, the bleached demon abandoned me to my fate. Of watching the girliest girly movie ever made. The jerk.
In desperation to escape it, I eventually wandered off into the kitchen...since Spike had taken refuge in the bathroom. I hope he choked on his toothbrush.
That's when it happened. When sweet little innocent Dawn managed to turn my world upside-down and inside-out...with one half giggled question. I was just about to head back out to the living room, fresh beer in hand, when I overheard her high pitched voice address Buffy and Willow.
"So...do you think that Spike *still* sleeps out here on the couch...or do you think he's sharing blankets with Xander? I bet they look hot together...all naked and sweaty."
I heard the combined voices of Buffy, Willow and Giles all shout "Dawn!" before my brain shut down. Coming to a complete stop, I slowly worked my mind around just *what* she was implying. The thought hit me like a brick.
My friends think that I am having SEX with *Spike*.
Hot sweaty monkey type sex, at that.
I think I sat down on one of the stools by the kitchen counter...but I'm not sure, so don't hold me to that. I am fairly certain that I was experiencing a mild form of shock, however. I mean...I'd never even *considered* something of that nature with the vampire. Yes, he was...and still is, my best friend. Yeah, there's Willow, I know...but she was my best friend when we were kids...and I'm not a kid anymore. You know what I mean? But sex? With Spike?
How could they think that?
Okay, yeah sure...he *lives* here with me, but so what. Right? And yeah, we spend most of our "free" time together. And I pay all the bills. For our rent and his blood and cigarettes and booze, but that's only fair. After all, he cleans the apartment. He does my dishes and once I taught him *how* to do laundry without ruining everything, he started to take care of that too. Which is fine, since our building has a laundry room in the basement and he can get there without risking the sunlight...even at high noon. Okay, so I try to buy him gifts when I can...but that's just recent and they don't know about *that*.
Do we *really* seem like some "couple"?
And...even if we *do* to strangers or what not...these guys are my *friends* and they think we're doing naked things together. They didn't seem upset at the thought, so no lecture. That's of the good, but still...
Oh shit!
Does this mean that the guys at work, specifically Mario and Tony, think that Spike and I are an "us"? I mean, they know he *lives* here...and that the apartment has only *one* bedroom and... Ahhh *fuck*. They *do*, don't they?
So, everyone thinks I'm suddenly gay now? Well, at least no one had given me shit about it. I still remember how terrified Larry had been about what kind of reaction he'd get for "coming out" as gay. It had made him act like a major asshole for *years*. So, the fact that no one has gotten in my face about "being gay" is of the good.
Oh my...I just realized something.
I've been freaking out since Dawn opened her big mouth about this a few hours ago. That's true. But in all that time, it never once occurred to me to be upset at the *idea* of being in a relationship with Spike...only that people thought I was "gay". But the "Spike" part of the equation never once really upset me. After all, I am proud to call him my best friend...and that's a relationship of sorts. Without the naked part.
What does that mean?
Why did my brain focus on "oh my...they think I'm gay, how will they react?" and not "oh my...they think I'm attached to a demon, how could they?"
And when I stop and actually *think* about it, I guess it's because the demon part and the Spike part aren't such a shocker for me, at least on *some* level...but, what does that *mean*?
I think maybe I have some soul-searching to do.
Alexander L. Harris
END