"I can't believe that woman." Willow shook her head.

"Wills, you've been saying the same thing since yesterday." Buffy wrapped her arm around her friend's shoulders.

"I know, but it's true, I just. what she said." Willow took a high pitched voice: "Riley Finn is an amazing young man. His years of service as a special agent are spotless. He's always been a calm and reserved young man, ready to help his fellow officers and soldiers. He's resourceful and a great asset to his group. In no circumstances has he lost his temper." Willow shook her head. "She was SO full of."

"Willow!" Xander exclaimed, interrupting his friend.

"Oops." Willow blushed deeply and looked down. "But she was."

"You're right. Though, she doesn't know Riley if she thinks that of him." Buffy said to Willow, as they walked toward the court building.

"She was right, in a way." Graham whispered, talking for the first time that morning. "He. he was like that when he was on duty."

Buffy shook her head. "Maybe, but that's when he was on duty. We all know the military was the only thing he ever cared about. But socially, in the real world, he lost his temper over nothing." She took a deep breath. "He. he hit me."

Graham looked at her sharply. "He what?" He exclaimed, as they all stopped walking.

"That. that night, I. I told him it was ok, that we didn't have to. you know." Buffy blushed. "He punched me on the jaw. One good punch, right here." She caressed her face, just below her left cheek. "I told him that being violent wouldn't help with his problem and he hit me again, on the same spot. So I snapped. Yelled at him to get out of my house and out of my life. That if he wasn't able to control himself, then I didn't want to ever see him again." Shaking her head, Buffy looked back at Graham. "I'm so sorry, I feel. so bad for snapping at him, if I hadn't. then maybe."

Graham shook his head and squeezed her shoulder. "Like I already said, not your fault at all."

Buffy nodded. "But."

"You remember that psychiatrist?" Willow said out of the blue, to change the subject, as they all started walking again.

Xander smiled. "Yeah, they thought she'd help their cause, but it ended up going against them."

"Quite." Giles smiled. "Her analysis of Riley's mind and temper was so accurate. It was frightening."

"He was blinded by his upbringing. He couldn't face the fact that he might be attracted to a man." Xander whispered, wrapping his arm around Graham. "On top of that, he couldn't face the fact that he WAS attracted to a man, but not a woman. His sexuality was the problem. What he loved about you Buff, was that you personified his ideal of the perfect girlfriend. Sorry, I know it must hurt, but it's the truth."

Buffy looked at him and smiled sadly. "Yeah, it hurts, but not as much as it hurt Graham."

"What amazes me," Giles said, polishing his glasses. "Is that Xander remembers every word of that trial, but never could remember his school lessons."

Everyone chuckled, as Giles opened the Judicial building's door and held it for his young friends.

"That was a low blow, G-man." Xander said, punching Giles' arm playfully.

"Ah! Perhaps, Xander, but it was also quite accurate. And I believe I already asked you a few years ago, not to call me that."

Graham laughed, still smiling as he parted from them to find his lawyer.

"All right, everyone, time for the verdict." Xander said, rubbing his hands nervously as they entered the courtroom.

****

"All rise."

Everyone stood up as the panel of judges entered the room, right after Riley had been brought in, still handcuffed.

Colonel White sat down, the two lieutenant-colonels did the same. "Special Agent Riley Finn," The senior judge stated without preliminaries. "By order of this court, you are found guilty of violating the Military Code of Conduct in the following manners: you engaged in unnatural acts of a sexual nature with one Agent Graham Miller, you struck a fellow officier, namely Agent Miller, you sexually assaulted said Agent Miller and sodomized him, causing severe physical and emotional damage. Though the physical damage you inflicted on Agent Miller will heal, the emotional trauma of your actions will be with Agent Miller for the rest of his life. What you did is unforgivable in the face of the law. You are sentenced to 7 years of imprisonment beginning today, September 12, 2000. You will lose all civil rights and military benefits. You are from this moment forth dishonorably discharged from the US military."

With a loud thump, Riley sank on his chair, taking his head in his hands.

Xander cheered silently. He knew Buffy, Willow and Giles were having the same reaction. The judges' verdict made him feel lightheaded. Riley would be punished.

"Agent Graham Miller," Colonel White continued. "You engaged in conduct unbecoming to an officer, violating article 125 of the Military Code of Conduct by stating your sexual preferences and engaging in unnatural carnal acts. However, in light of the extenuating circumstances surrounding your admission, it is my duty to alleviate your sentence. You are from this moment forth honourably discharged from the US military and will retain all military benefits due to an officer of your rank. I wish you luck for the future Mr. Miller. This case is closed. Court dismissed."

Everyone waited for the judges to leave the room before yelling their joy. Xander jumped to his feet and enfolded Graham in bear hug. "It's done Gray." He whispered in his ear.

They could hear Captain Kawk, faintly, as he said something about taking the case into appeal, but neither listened.

Graham felt tears on his cheeks as he hugged Xander back. He couldn't remember ever being so relieved in his life. "Thank you Xan. Thanks for supporting me all the way."

Xander suddenly realized the hug had gone on for long enough. He gently disentengled himself from Graham's embrace, blushing slightly. "Always Graham, always."

****

"What do you want to do tonight?" Xander asked, as they entered what was soon to become their apartment, after having had dinner with the gang, in celebration. He closed the door, mentally noting that they needed to talk with the landlord the following day, and dropping his key on the table. "Want to celebrate some more?"

Graham smiled, but shook his head. "I don't really feel like going out, I'm. not ready yet. I mean. dinner was ok, but." Sitting on the couch, he looked pleadingly at Xander, as if asking his friend to understand.

"Hey, it's ok." The brunette replied, sitting beside the ex-marine on the couch. "You're not ready to face the masses. I understand that. We could rent a movie? Grab some beer and popcorn."

Graham smiled, his eyes lighting up. "You know Xander, you're probably the best friend I've ever had."

Xander blushed. "Well, I just want to cheer you up you know. The trial was hard on you You need to relax."

"What movie do you want to rent then?" Graham asked.

"Oh, I was thinking old sci-fi movies. War of the Worlds or Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman, or even Plan 9 From Outer Space. You ok with that?"

"Sure, I'd love that."

"Great, I'll go get them. I'll grab the beer and the popcorn on the way back. You want anything else?" Xander asked, standing up and grabbing his coat, since the night was a bit chilly.

"Nah, it's ok, you go. I'll. take a shower." Having said that, Graham stood up and watched as Xander waved back at him and left. He headed for the bathroom, feeling dirty and sick. Sure the trial was over, but the healing process had only begun and the young man still had a long way to go.

****

"Graham? Where are you?" Xander asked, as he dropped the beer and popcorn onto the kitchen counter and threw the movies on the couch. He walked into the empty living room, suddenly scared. "Gray?"

". in the .room, Xan." A sobbing voice drifted to Xander's ears and he followed it to the bathroom, where he found his friend sitting on the floor, a bathrobe covering his otherwise naked frame.

"Hey," Xander gently kneeled at his sobbing friend's side. "What's going on?"

"I'm so dirty Xan, I can't get clean." Graham managed to say, as tears covered his cheeks. He wasn't one to cry, but somehow he couldn't stop himself. "Make me clean? Please Xan, clean me."

Xander didn't know what to do. He stared open mouthed at Graham, as the words sank in. "Oh my God, Graham." He carefully took his friend in his arms and gently rocked him. "It's ok, Gray. You're not dirty, you're beautiful. Shhhh." And he kept rocking until Graham's sobs subsided.

Blushing slightly, the ex-marine disentangled himself from Xander's embrace and dried his tears. "I'm sorry Xan, I. I don't know what."

"Hey, you're dealing Gray, what happened to you, it won't go away just because Riley's in prison." Xander took his friend's hands in his own. "I'm not good at doing the caretaker thing, but I'll do my best for you. Want me to call that psychiatrist your lawyer talked about?" He asked, standing up and helping Graham do the same.

The ex-marine nodded. "Yeah, I guess. that'd be a good thing."

"Now, how about we start that movie huh? I'll grab the beer, you set the video."

****

Xander stopped the car in front of the building. "This is it." He said to Graham. "You're sure you'll be ok?"

Graham nodded. "It'll be fine."

"Yeah, but it's your first appointement and I'm."

"Feeling a bit overprotective?" Graham finished the sentence for him.

"Yeah." Xander admitted, looking down. "Just. you call me when you're done. I'll be at Buffy's."

"Sure." The ex-marine nodded, getting out of the car and closing the door behind him. He walked to the building and opened the door.

****

"Graham Miller?" The young woman called from the doorway leading to her office.

The ex-marine stood up and walked over to her. "Hi."

"Hi, please come in." She smiled, stepping aside to let Graham pass. "I'm doctor Eleanor Tompson. But you can call me Elena. You can sit on the chair or lie on the futon. Your choice. Whichever is more comfortable for you."

Graham smiled as he sat on the futon. It was more comfortable than the chair, but he wasn't comfortable enough yet to lie down.

"Right! You're not really a talker, as far as I can see." The psychiatrist raised her eyebrow as she smiled.

"Yes, I'm. quiet." Graham replied.

"You're not comfortable yet and that's understandable." Eleanor pulled a chair over to Graham and sat down. Then she opened the file she was carrying. "I received these files this morning. Your lawyer sent them to me, but I haven't had time to go through them yet. I'll just explain to you how it will work and then you can tell me what I would learn by reading all these papers. Does that work for you?"

Graham's heart sped up at her statement. Did he really have to tell her everything? "I'm. I'm not sure I can."

"That's ok, we'll go slow. I promise." She gave him a soothing smile before closing the file. "Right! First, I won't be the one doing the talking. I might ask you questions that will help you open up to me, but you'll be the one answering them. I have enough tissues to soak up the entire Pacific Ocean, so that's not an issue. We'll see each other twice a week. If you feel like you need to see me even more than that, you just have to ask. Also, I'll be meeting your close friends too, including the one I talked to on the phone. It's very important for me that I know how you interact with them." She smiled. "Now, if you ever feel uncomfortable with anything I say or do, don't hesitate to tell me. Oh, and I have a tendency to babble, is that ok with you?"

Graham nodded, he liked her already.

"Great! So we'll start. Why are you here?" She asked, bluntly. "You don't have to answer until you're ready. We have an hour together, and I'm very patient."

"I've. I was a marine." Graham started, then paused. "But. I'm gay."

"According to popular beliefs, gay marines aren't that uncommon." Eleanor said.

"I guess," Graham replied. "But there are. rules. I got an honourable discharge because I stated in court that I was gay."

Eleanor looked shocked at that, but didn't say a word. She waited a few more minutes for Graham to continue, but as he kept silent, she asked gently: "Why were you in court?"

"I. I. I was." Graham he couldn't bring himself to say it. His breath started coming in short gasps.

"It's ok. You don't have to answer. We can talk about anything else you want." Eleanor said.

Graham nodded. He forced himself to take slow, even breaths, wiping his hands on his pants, but didn't say a word. A few more minutes passed and Eleanor remained silent, patiently waiting for Graham to be ready. The young man clenched his fists, trying not to break down. "I was raped." Graham said hoarsely and then took a deep breath, avoiding the doctor's eyes and continued: "By a friend - another marine."

The rest of the hour was spent with Graham talking and Doctor Tompson listening. After the first difficult minutes, the ex-marine could feel himself opening up to the young psychiatrist, trust building up between them, as he poured his heart into her ears.

****

Xander was waiting in the car outside the building when Graham was finished. The ex-marine sat in the passenger's seat and smiled.

"I take it it went ok?" Xander asked, smiling back.

Graham nodded. "She'll help." Was all he said, as they made their way back to their apartment.

****

"You're the one taking care of him." Doctor Tompson stated, looking at Xander, who was sitting on the futon, in the exact same position that Graham had taken the first day.

"I try my best." Xander chuckled nervously. "But I'm a carpenter, not a care-taker. Sometimes, it's hard to know how to react to some things."

"What kind of things?"

"He. he takes at least two or three showers a day, somtimes as many as five. And probably a lot more, since I work during the day. And most of the time, I find him sobbing, sitting on the floor of the bathroom, saying stuff like: 'I'm so dirty, can't get clean.'" Xander clenched his fists. "Sometimes, he won't even let me get near him."

Doctor Tompson gently laid her hand on Xander's. "Most rape victims react that way. They can still feel the hands of their agressors on their bodies, touching them, taking away their innocence, soiling their bodies in ways no dirt can. It's not easy for them to learn to love their bodies again after such an event."

"Yeah." Xander said simply. "I just don't know what to say. Once, the first time, he even asked ME to clean him. But. I don't understand what he wants me to do." He looked pleadingly at the doctor.

Eleanor smiled encouragingly. "Exactly what you've been doing for now. It's already a lot for Graham. Most rape victims don't have a friend like you to lean on." She crossed her legs and continued. "You've been with him since the first day. You've seen what happened to him, and yet, you aren't running away. That means a lot to Graham. It gives him hope."

"Hope of what?" Xander asked, curious.

"Hope that there're still people out there who care for him. He wasn't just raped by just anybody, Xander. That man was his best friend. The best friend he ever had. That hurts in ways no one can really understand. To be betrayed by someone for whom you care so much. Yet, there you are, his friend, taking care of him - holding him when the weight of it all is too much for him."

Xander looked down blushing. "He's one of the best friends I've ever had. Somehow. I feel like it's my duty to do it. Not that I'm forced, but that. since I saw what happened, I can. understand him better than most of the others. I wouldn't. I wouldn't trust any of my close friends to take care of him."

Eleanor smiled knowingly. "You've become attached to him."

Xander blushed even more. "Maybe." He wiped his hands on his pants and ran a hand through his hair. "I. when we first met, I sorta. I dunno, started liking him a lot. But. it was so new, you know. and then, that happened and it sorta. put everything on hold. But now."

"You're with him everyday. You know him better than anyone would ever know him. You know his deepest fears - his joys."

"Yeah, and I want him to laugh all the time. When I see him cry." Xander put a hand to his heart. "It hurts here. And I just want to make it better, but. I know it's too fast. I can't. I've never. Hell, what I want to say is, I've never thought about. that option."

Doctor Tompson looked at the clock, stood up and then looked back at Xander. "I think you know what he meant when he asked you to make him clean again, Xander. However, he's not ready yet and neither are you. But you need to keep your eyes open. One day, he'll need you to show him that he's still beautiful. For the moment, the only thing you can do is be there for him."

Xander nodded, as he stood up fidgeting nervously. "You're probably right. uh. I'm thinking I might need. mmm. a psychiatrist myself. maybe I can come see you, huh. sometime?"

Eleanor smiled. "It would be my pleasure. Now, Graham's waiting for you."

"Yeah, thanks Elena." And with that, Xander left.

*****
Chapter 4: Fears

"Here we are." Xander said, as he stopped the car in front of the building. "You'll be."

"Yes, Xander, I'll be fine." Graham smiled as he got out of the car. "You ask me that everytime."

Xander chuckled. "It's becoming tradition."

Graham laughed lightly and shook his head. "Bye Xan, I'll call you when I'm done." He smiled and closed the car door as Xander waved and started the engine.

The ex-marine walked up the stairs into the building and made his way to Dr Tompson's office.

****

Elena sat down on her chair and smiled at Graham, who was now lying down on his back on the futon, his head turned on the side so he could look at the young psychologist. "How's Xander doing?" She asked out of the blue, watching closely for Graham's reaction. As she had anticipated, the young man blushed and looked away.

Graham twisted his hands together and answered, his voice wavering: "He's great."

Elena smiled knowingly. "And you, how do you feel?"

The ex-marine looked at her and smiled nervously. "I'm good. Confused, scared, but doing better." He answered, gracefully swinging his legs over the edge of the futon as he sat up.

Elena nodded, noticing Graham's reticence. "Have you thought about your feelings for him?"

The young man closed his eyes, as he remembered their last session. The psychologist had asked Graham what he felt for Xander - really - and when he'd been unable to answer clearly, she had asked him to think about it, that the answer might be important for him.

And now, as Dr. Tompson was asking the question again, even though indirectly, something was telling Graham that she already knew what his answer would be. "He's part of the reason why I'm scared and confused." Graham's voice wavered as he spoke. His hands clenching the soft mattress of the futon. "I'm so fucking scared."

Elena tried to meet his eyes, but he wouldn't open them to look at her. "Scared of what, Graham?" She prodded gently, after he'd kept silent for a few minutes.

"Myself. These." He stopped to take a deep breath. "The feelings I have. It scares me, because I'm not supposed to feel this way about Xander. It's wrong. Like I'm. like I'm taking advantage of him. I. I did what you asked me to and I thought. a lot. But now, I'm. I'm scared shitless." He finally looked at Elena, his eyes reflecting his words. "I'm. I think. I'm not sure, but I think. I might be falling for him. And I'm not suppose to be feeling this way. because. because." Twisting his hands together, he looked away. "I fall for my friends. It's like pathological with me and I've never acted on it before, always walked away. Partly because I was gay and in the military, but I didn't want to lose them. Lose what we had. and the one time," Graham swallowed past the lump in his throat, his eyes burning with unshed tears. "The one time I stayed and tried. well, we all know how well that turned out. I don't. I don't want to lose Xander." He took several deep breaths, trying to get a hold of himself before he started sobbing. "I'm not supposed to fall for him." Graham continued after a few minutes, his voice hoarse and low. "And. and maybe I'm not falling for. maybe I feel this way because he takes care of me and not because it's him. And that would be so unfair to him and I'm so fucking confused, because it's not clear why I feel what I feel and I'm trying not to feel like this, so hard, and. He's not even gay." He finally stopped, whispering the last more for himself than for the doctor.

"You're scared because you're confused about why you have feelings for Xander," Elena summed up, stoically.

Graham nodded. "I don't. know. I'm not supposed to feel like this. Not more than friends."

"Graham why don't you think you're worthy of feeling more? What did you do that could make you not worthy of falling in love?" Elena said. "Remember what we talked about last week. When you have thoughts like this, you have to tell yourself to stop. to just stop thinking that way. You know it's not true; you are worthy of love." When Graham didn't say anything, she continued. "Your heart feels for Xander and you know it, but you're trying to rationalize it, make it not real, to push it away. At the same time, you don't want to push it too far, because Xander is so important to you right now." Elena looked pensive. "Why are you trying to 'not' feel that way? Why is it that you're punishing yourself?"

Graham's eyes were cast on the floor. "He's not gay. I don't. don't want to push him into something. and," his voice became but a whisper, "I might get hurt."

"You're afraid Xander will hurt you?"

Graham's head shot up as if she'd said something unbelievable. "No! He wouldn't. he'd never. he's so careful. With everything he says, or does. he's always afraid that he'll hurt me. He'd never hurt me. at least not intentionally."

"Ah." Elena nodded. "Then why are you afraid you might get hurt?" She asked, repeating his own words.

Graham shook his head. "It's not. I don't know. The only thing I'm really sure of is that Xander would never hurt me. Intentionally." He sighed, gripping his head in his hands. "But, I'm still scared."

"You need to talk to Xander about your feelings." Elena said in a firm voice.

Graham looked up sharply. "I can't! What if he hates me afterwards?"

"Why would he hate you Graham? He knows you, he's been through all this with you, he's always been there for you to lean on when you needed him. He'll understand."

"But what if he doesn't. love me that way?"

"Graham, even if he doesn't love you like you do him, it will never change the fact that he is your friend. Talking to him about how you feel will help you."

"Do I really have to?"

"You don't have to do everything I ask you to, Graham. I will never force you to do something with which you're not comfortable. But you are here so that I can help you, and talking to Xander about the way you feel for him WILL help you. If only to understand what you really feel."

Graham sighed. "I guess I have no choice then."

Elena shook her head gently. "You always have a choice Graham, always. You're the one making the final decision here. I'm not saying you absolutely have to talk to him tonight, just that you should do it when you think the timing is right."

Graham nodded and looked at his watch. He was about to stand up when Elena stopped him.

"Wait a few more minutes, all right? I wanted to talk to you about the appeal."

Graham grimaced and took his head in his hands, waiting.

****

"Gray? Wanna go out tonight?" Xander asked as he pushed the frozen pizza in the oven later that evening.

Graham walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, still towelling his hair. "I. maybe. You wanna go somewhere?" He sat down at the table, trying to act casual, even if he knew that Xander wasn't clueless as to how many showers he'd taken that day.

"I was thinking of going to the Bronze. Buffy and Willow will be there." Xander replied, sitting on the chair across from Graham. "I thought I'd ask if you wanted to come with." He's still not ready, Xander thought, as he eyed his friend's reaction.

Graham took a deep breath and thought about it. "Sure, I'll go." He stood up again, nervous.

"Hey, if you don't want to go, it's ok, I'm not pushing." Xander tried to calm his friend down.

"No." Graham shook his head. "I want to go. I mean, it's time. I feel up to it. Maybe. maybe I should just. take a shower." He added, before realizing how stupid it sounded.

Xander looked at him, concerned. "Gray, that would be your fifth shower today, nevermind the fact that your hair's still wet from the last one." Xander stood up and gently laid his hand on Graham's shoulder, withdrawing as he felt the ex-marine wince at his touch. "What's going on? You're. back to square one. I thought. all these months and seeing Elena, you were doing better."

Graham sat back on his chair, closing his eyes and taking his head in his hands.

"Is that appeal stuff getting to you?" Xander asked, kneeling before his friend and trying to make Graham look at him.

"It's in a week Xan." Graham whispered, still averting his friend's eyes. He understood Xander's concern, but still, to have to go through all of it again. it was frightening.

"Hey, you know what Captain Halliway and Elena told you." Xander said, lifting Graham's chin until their eyes met. "You don't have to go. They're not trying to question the judges' verdict. They're only trying to alleviate Riley's sentence by showing evidence of mental illness and something about illicit drugs in his system. kinda like after Walsh died." Xander gently brushed his fingers over Graham's left cheek. "They know he's guilty, Gray. Riley knows what he did and he won't try deny it like he did at the trial. The only thing is that they can't understand how he could act that way."

Graham nodded. "I know. Something was wrong."

"Yes." Xander blushed as he realized just how close to Graham he was. He gently took his hands away and sat on his heels. "They did some tests and found out about the drugs. They'll use that, and the doctor that told them about it, to alleviate the sentence, but that won't change the verdict."

"But." Graham felt his stomach tighten. "What if he gets out of jail? Just because of that?"

Xander shook his head. "I'm sure he won't, Gray. I'm sure he won't." The young man repeated, reassuring both himself and his friend. "The judge said it; what he did to you is unforgivable, no matter what Riley's going to say or do."

"But they're trying."

"Gray, they'll be trying, true. They want Riley to still have a life when he gets out, which is understandable. Maybe not something we want, but the fact that Riley's acknowledging his actions is a step in the right direction, don't you think?" Xander waited for a moment, but Graham didn't move or say a word. "Look, Gray, you can't hide in here forever, taking showers every three hours. You need to go out, see people. Live." Xander laid his hands on his friend's. "Don't let yourself waste away because of him, Graham. You're alive. Beautiful and healthy. Here."

The intensity of Xander's words made Graham shiver. Beautiful, he said I was beautiful, he thought before finally looking up. "You're right. When are we leaving?"

Xander smiled and stood up. "As soon as we've eaten something. The pizza should be ready in a few minutes." He said, as he looked in the oven. He was feeling a bit embarrassed at his outburst, but it had had the effect he wanted. Graham was smiling. Xander shook his head at his discomfort. He had been talking with Elena every week about redefining his identity. It was hard to think of himself as something other than totally heterosexual and to realize that women didn't attract him as much as they used to. But Xander had finally acknowledged the intensity of what he felt for Graham and that had helped. It had slowly become easier.

Graham stood up. "I'll set the table. Smells good."

Xander closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "Pizza." He said, in a pleased tone, eliciting a chuckle from Graham.

They prepared their dinner in silence. Punctuated by awkward moments when one of them anticipated the other's request without words, as if they'd been doing this for years. Graham couldn't help thinking that they fit well together, before shaking his head. He had promised himself that he wouldn't start thinking of Xander that way. The brunette was his best friend, and Graham didn't want that to change, especially now that he needed him so much.

"Will you go?" Graham whispered.

Xander turned away from the oven. "Um?"

"To. to the court for the appeal, will you go?" Graham asked, looking down, his hands in his pocket. He looked so vulnerable worrying his lip between his teeth as he waited for Xander's answer.

Xander's heart skipped a beat at the sight. "If you want me to, I'll go." He answered, walking to Graham's side. "Do you want me to?"

Graham nodded. "It'd. make me feel better to know that." He felt stupid as he asked and couldn't bring himself to say more.

"Someone's making sure he's not getting out?" Xander finished looking serious.

Graham nodded again, looking up directly into Xander's eyes. For a moment, they stayed there, not moving, their eyes locked together. Xander shivered at the intensity of Graham's gaze and felt himself blush as his heart started to beat faster. Shyly, he lowered his head and looked down. "Better look at that pizza." Xander muttered as he walked by Graham to look at their dinner.

"Yeah." Graham mumbled a bit dumbfounded. It sounded a bit crazy, but Graham had been sure he'd seen 'that' look in Xander's. Nah, it was stupid. Xander couldn't feel that way. not after everything that happened. The ex-marine shook his head at the thought and finished setting the table, still a bit shocked.

****

Xander and Graham walked back to their apartment in silence. After what had just happened, Xander didn't know what to say. He had seen the way Graham had jumped when the young man at the bar had touched his shoulder.

Xander closed the door of the apartment behind them and shed his coat, as Graham walked into the living room and sat on the couch.

"Gray?" Xander asked gently, as he watched Graham withdraw into himself on the couch. "What is it? Did something bother you?"

Graham shook his head, still looking down. Even he wasn't fooled by his answer.

"Then what is it?" Xander asked again, even more gently, as he sat beside his friend and placed his hand on Graham's own hand. He just knew something was bothering Graham and it was more than only the fact that the appeal was only a week away.

"Really, it's not that." Graham started, slowly, before giving in. "I was scared, but not of him, his touch. It was. the way he looked at me. I just. When I saw his eyes, it was like. I saw Riley there and I. I sank back into. whatever I was with him." He sighed, twisting his hands. "It's like, I'm trapped by what he taught me. Always being submissive. always his pleasure, never mine. It's what I've been trained for, and when I caught his eyes, I realized something. what if I never. what if I can't stop being like." He stopped not able to go on. "But I'm not ready to try and see." Graham finished, whispering, careful not to look at Xander.

"I'm no psychologist," Xander started, gently. "But, I think you'd be able to overcome that. With someone who really cared for you, loved you. If you were being forced into another relationship, then you'd go back to being submissive, but otherwise, with someone you love and who loves you in return, you'd be all right." The brunette tried to sound comforting.

Graham nodded slowly. "I think that's the reason I. reacted as I did, back at the club." Graham whispered. "The guy, he. he just sat there and leered at me. I didn't know who he was and I got scared and then he touched me. And I could feel myself retreating. just like I use to do with. and then I panicked."

Xander wrapped his arm around Graham's shoulder, relieved that the other man didn't push him away as he had feared. "I understand Gray, it's ok." He whispered soothingly.

For a moment, they both stayed silent, Xander rocking his friend as he debated whether or not to tell Graham about the way he felt. No matter if he was scared shitless of his own feelings, he couldn't deny the jealousy and then the protectiveness that had surged through him when he had seen the guy at the club, sitting so close to Graham and then touching him. Xander couldn't push the feelings away anymore; he had done so for more than ten months now, ever since that night neither of them liked to talk about, but it was time to let go of the fear. Taking a deep breath, Xander lowered his head on Graham's shoulder and tightened his hold. "Gray, I think. I think I need to tell you something."

Graham waited patiently, pressing further into his friend's embrace, feeling safe for the first time in months. His stomach tightened in anticipation.

"I'm. I think. I'm falling in love with you." Xander whispered turning to face Graham and holding his gaze, even when the temptation was so strong to look down.

Speechless, the ex-marine didn't know what to say, or do. He shook his head, trying to process what Xander had just told him. "I. are. what. are you sure?" Graham finally asked, his heart pounding in his chest. Xander was falling in love with him. Xander loved him. HIM. He loved Graham. With a child's awe, the older man stared at the brunette.

"Yes. I. I want to be with you all the time, make sure you're alright and that you have everything you need, I want to go out with you, laugh with you, hang out with you. I want you around me all the time. But." Xander sighed. "I'm scared. I've never. shit, Gray, I'm just scared."

Graham took one look at Xander's face before changing their position and gathering the younger man in his arms, gently. "I know. I know. I'm scared shitless too, but just to know. it's. it feels SO good Xander." He whispered in Xander's ear, a wonderful warming feeling sweeping through him at the feel of Xander's body pressed against his own. It felt right.

Xander shivered under Graham's touch. He snuggled closer into the tight embrace and let himself be held. Graham was right, it felt wonderful. "It's scary. To find myself falling in love with a man. Especially you." Xander whispered back, closing his eyes.

"Why so?" Graham asked, gently running his hands up and down Xander's back, trying to soothe Xander like Xander had soothed him so many times.

Xander turned his head just enough to be staring in the other man's eyes. "I don't want to hurt you. You've been hurt so much. I'm so inexperienced and I can be so stupid sometimes, what if I mess everything up?"

Graham's breath caught in his throat. "Oh, baby." He gasped, tightening his hold on the other man. "You won't ever hurt me. And you're not ." The ex-marine was about to keep on talking when he heard Xander's chuckle. "What is it?" He asked, dumbfounded.

Xander smiled and gave Graham a quick kiss on the cheek, that seemed to linger on, burning. "Nothing. Just that no one's ever called me baby before. Well, except my parents when I was a toddler that is."

Graham laughed lightly at that. "Well, I think it fits you, not in the 'you're still a toddler' kind of way, but in the 'you're so hot baby' way." Graham blushed furiously as he just realised what he'd said. "What I meant was."

Xander silenced him, pressing a finger to the other man's lips. "I know what you meant. It's ok. You're hot too." He blushed, but didn't look away. If he was going to give this relationship a try, then he was going to face his own feelings. However embarrassing they might be at the moment. Xander let his hand fall away from Graham's mouth, trailing tentative fingers over the man's sculpted jaw.

Graham chuckled, his breath tickling across Xander's fingers and looked into Xander's eyes. They fell silent. For what seemed like an eternity, they stayed there, watching each other's eyes, each other's soul. Unable to stop himself, Graham closed his eyes and leaned in, pressing his lips to Xander's. The kiss was chaste, their lips barely brushed against each other's. Tentative, yet oh so sweet.

Xander pulled away still staring at Graham. His tongue ran over his bottom lip before he cleared his throat. "We'll take this slow. For both of us. Ok?"

Graham nodded, still feeling Xander's lips on his. "Yeah. We both got lots to learn." He said gently, as he laid his head on Xander's shoulder.

Xander smiled. "Yeah."

For a while neither of them moved, just revelling in the feel of having the other in their arms. Soon though, it was time to move. Xander gently untangled himself from Graham's embrace and stood up. "It's late. I'd best go to bed. I'm working in 7 hours." He yawned, as he helped Graham to his feet.

Graham kept Xander's hand in his own and gently brushed his tumb over the back. "Sleep tight Xan." He murmured leaning in and chastly kissing the other man.

As Graham gently let go of his hand and walked to his room, Xander could feel his heart flutter. A dopey smile stretched his lips and he shook his head. God, he was becoming a real sap. Love can do that to you, he thought, turning around and heading to his own room. Love. yup, definately love.

*****
Epilogue: Hide With Me

Xander opened the door of the apartment. He was just now back from the court, having first listened to the judge's new decision about Riley and then talked with Graham's lawyer for a long time. He knew Graham had been waiting for him to come back sooner, but Xander had really wanted as much precision as he could gather on how the appeal worked, before coming back to his boyfriend. He knew Graham would have some questions and he wanted to be able to answer them.

His boyfriend. The thought made Xander smile. He deposited the small package he was holding on the table beside the door and walked into the appartment, looking around at the empty living room. "Graham?" He called out gently. Somehow, he knew Graham wouldn't be waiting for him but would rather be either taking a shower, or hiding.

Noting that the shower wasn't on and the bathroom door was open, showing no one was inside, Xander began a silent search through the apartment, trying to find Graham.

"Graham?" Xander asked softly as he entered Graham's bedroom.

"In here." Came the muffled reply.

Xander frowned, figuring out where the sounds had come from then turned to open Graham's closet door. "Hey, what are you doing in there?"

"Hiding." Graham answered, matter-of-factly, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. He was curled in on himself, arms wrapped around his knees, his head resting on them. He was scared and looked like he had been crying.

"I see that." Xander smiled gently.

"Hide with me?" Graham asked Xander, with a pleading look.

Xander's heart melted and he threw some shoes and boots out of the closet to make some room. Without a word, he sat on the floor and closed the door.

As soon as blackness returned, Graham leaned his head on Xander's shoulder and tried to get as close to the other man as possible. Taking the hint, Xander wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's shivering body and hugged him close. "Why are we hiding?" He whispered so very gently in Graham's ear.

Graham stayed silent for a long while, trying to understand his own fears so Xander could understand them too. "I. I love the dark. It's quiet. The dreams, they don't come in here and I. I can't see."

Xander closed his eyes seeking strength and kissed Graham's forehead. "What is it you don't want to see, just the dreams?"

Graham shook his head against Xander's shoulder and muttered almost inaudibly: "I'm dirty, ugly. Don't want to see me."

Xander could feel the tears threatening to gather in his eyes and he tenderly stroked his hands up and down Graham's back. "You're not dirty, you're all clean, beautiful." He whispered, as he felt Graham's shivers slowly leave the ex-marine's body.

"I'm beautiful?" Graham asked, his voice hoarse with emotion.

"Yes. Want me to show you?" Xander asked, as he remembered what Elena had told him all those months ago. He, at least, was ready, Now was the time to find out if Graham was, too.

Graham smiled shyly, even though Xander couldn't see. "Yes." He whispered. He really meant it. He wanted Xander to show him he was still beautiful. Maybe he would cleanse him.

Xander held his arms around Graham's waist. "Under one condition," he said lightly.

Graham stiffened at Xander's casually voiced words; Riley used to give him ultimatums and orders in the same friendly tone. Graham's blue eyes peered up at the other man warily, his white teeth digging nervously into his lower lip.

Xander frowned when Graham seemed to shrink in on himself. He wondered what had happened, but then realized what he'd just said. He gently squeezed Grahams' hip as what he said sank in. God! Sometimes he was so stupid.

"God, Graham no. Not like that. I would never do that to you. Never. I meant that, it's a two way thing for me. I show you how beautiful you are and I. I want." Xander took a deep breath. "I want my boyfriend to show me how beautiful I am too."

Graham's breath caught in his throat and he closed his eyes, several tears broke free from beneath his closed eyelids, trailing wetly down his face. "Xan. boyfriend?"

"Yes." Xander answered, his own voice hoarse with unshed tears. "Boyfriend. I want to scream it at the top of my lungs for everyone to hear. I want to tell Willow and Buffy and Giles, I want to tell the world, Graham. With me, you won't ever have to hide, never again. You're my love, my life, my everything."

Graham took a deep breath, trying not to start sobbing in. relief, happiness, he wasn't really sure. But it still felt so good to hear Xander say those things to him. "Xander?"

"Yeah?"

"You're the most beautiful man I've ever known. And not just physically."

Xander smiled in the dark closet. "Then show me?"

Graham gently untangled himself from Xander's embrace and stood up, careful not to hit his head, helping Xander to his feet. "I'll show you anytime you want me to."

"Xan? What. what happened to. at." Graham tried to ask, as Xander hugged him close again.

Xander took Graham's hand in his and tangled their fingers together. "He's still doing the seven years, that hasn't changed. Only. he gets to do them in a mental institution instead of a prison."

"Why?"

"He asked for it. He knew something was wrong. He even confessed to hurting Buffy that same night. He said he needed help controlling his bursts of anger and that the prison wouldn't be 'it'." Xander stopped for a moment, remembering Riley's face, as he stood in front of the judges. "He had a black eye, and according to Captain Halliway, it's the remnants of a fight. Well, more like he got beaten up a few weeks back." He took a deep breath. "Anyway, the judges said that Riley was still going to serve his seven years, not one day less, but they agreed to send Riley to a mental institution. Especially after Captain Kawk showed them some evidence of instability. I wasn't really following at that point though. I think Captain Kawk said something about the drugs and how it had affected Riley's mentality. The doctor. you know the one that told them about the drugs? Well, he came and admitted to having been experimenting with new drugs on Riley before the incident. Without Riley having any knowledge of it." Xander stopped for a second before continuing. "Riley never tried to deny what he did, he took full responsibility for it. He's just trying to get help controlling himself so he'll never hurt anybody else."

Graham leaned against Xander's shoulder. "Good." He said simply, holding on to Xander as a boat would his anchor.

Xander gently untangled himself from Graham's embrace, taking the other man's hands in his own. "Come on, Gray, lets get out of this closet together, ok?" Xander said gently, as he opened the door. He felt Graham take a deep breath just as the light from the bedroom started invading the closet. They both stepped out, hand in hand. Ready to face their fears. Not alone. Together.

"No more hiding?" Xander asked gently.

Graham shook his head, blushing. "You. you'll do what you said you would?"

Xander grinned. "Oh, I will. Tonight, tomorrow, next week, in ten years. I'll show you just how beautiful you are to me." He stopped, thinking about the package he left on the table by the door. "Give me just a second to get something and I'll be right here with you. Ok?" Xander asked, before leaning in and gently kissing Graham's inviting lips.

The ex-marine nodded, letting Xander go, and turned back to look at the room, brushing over his lips with the tip of his fingers. Smiling tenderly he dimmed the light and sat on the edge of the bed, waiting, but not hiding.

****

Taking a deep breath, Xander retrieved the small package from where he'd dropped it earlier and headed back to Graham's room. He took in the dimmed lights and Graham's form on the bed. For the first time in months the ex-marine seemed relaxed, almost happy. Xander perched on the edge of the bed, beside his still form, twisting the bow in his fingers.

"Um. here's. it's just a little something. And if you don't like it, I understand totally. Kind of a thing. I just. yeah. So open it."

Graham frowned, his gaze flickering wildly between the box and Xander's blushing face, before taking the offered pakage.

"The girl at the jewelry store said it'd be perfect, but you know. it could be too much too fast or something. If it is, I want you to tell me and I'll take it back. Promise. But I just thought."

"Shhh Xan. hush a second, okay?" Graham pressed his fingers against Xander's lips and smiled.

Xander held his breath, watching as Graham's fingers tugged the knot from a golden bow and lifted the lid. There, nestled amongst an insane amount of blue tissue paper, lay his gift - an ID bracelet, Graham's name emblazoned on the surface. It shone, even in the dim light, but nothing could eclipse the smile on the recipient's face.

"Xander, it's beautiful."

With an answering, although still nervous, smile, Xander flipped the metal trinket over to reveal the surprise. "I had it inscribed...I, um...hope you don't mind. It reads, 'Where there is love there is life.' Everybody can use a reminder now and then, right?"

"Gandhi." Graham said slowly, stunned by his boyfriend's gift. He took the bracelet from Xander's hands and looked at the engraved quote. "Xander, this is beautiful. It's." He turned to face the other man, tears watering his eyes. "Thank you."

"Hey, don't cry." Xander chuckled, his own eyes watering. "It's nothing. Just a little reminder, yeah? Want me to." He waved at Graham's wrist.

"Sure." The ex-marine held up his arms and gave the bracelet to Xander.

After fumbling with the clasp for a few seconds, Xander defeated it and slipped the gift over Graham's hand. With a grin, he fastened it, fingertips caressing the metal fondly. "It looks good." He whispered, not taking his eyes off Graham's wrist.

"It's perfect." The other replied, his hand reaching to lift Xander's chin. "Just like you."

Xander blushed deeply and tried to look down.

"No. Please, don't look away. I need. need you to look at me." Graham said, trying to keep eye contact with Xander, it made him more courageous to see his boyfriend's eyes looking at him. He could face everything with Xander at his side. "You're beautiful and perfect. And I. I love you."

Xander's heart caught in his throat. "Graham. I. I."

Graham smiled gently and brushed the back of his hand over Xander's red and hot cheek. "It's ok, baby, I know." He glanced at the bracelet on his wrist, vowing to himself that it would never leave his arm, ever. "I know." He repeated, leaning in and capturing Xander's lips in a tender kiss.

Their lips lingered for a moment, their breaths ghosting over sensitive flesh. Xander pulled away and backed off the bed, pulling Graham with him. They stood face to face and brought their lips together once more as they held each other, hands lightly resting on arms and hips.

Xander gently moved his hands up and down Graham's arms, caressing them with teasing touches.

Graham chuckled into the kiss and moved his own hands up Xander's back, his fingers tracing circles over the shirt.

Finally breaking apart, Xander opened his eyes and gazed into Graham's. "Can I?" He whispered, as he tentatively placed his hands at the hem of Graham's shirt.

The older man's heart started to beat faster, but the love shining in Xander's eyes calmed him down considerably. Nothing would happen to him tonight that he didn't want; Xander wouldn't hurt him. Graham nodded and helped Xander take his shirt off him before they did the same to the younger man.

Xander gently caressed Grahan from cheek to hip, using just the tips of his fingers. He felt himself harden in expectation, but didn't pay it any attention. His heart started to beat faster as he trailed his eyes back up to looked into Graham's. Xander was amazed at the softness of the other man's skin; Graham was so perfect, so beautiful. With their eyes still locked, Graham took Xander's hand and moved back to the bed, where they lay down face to face.

Graham gently brushed his hand over the younger man's cheek, down to his jaw, before curling his hand around the back of Xander's neck and bringing their lips together once again. Graham broke the contact between their lips and looked down the length of Xander's body. His eyes widened at the sight of Xander's erection straining against the other man's pants. His hands tightened painfully on the back of Xander's neck as their gazes met and held. Realizing what he was doing, he quickly released his grip and licked his lips nervously. Truthfully, he was probably just as hard as Xander, but he couldn't think of that. Graham knew he wasn't ready to consummate his relationship with Xander, not yet. Maybe not for a long time. He just hoped Xander would understand. "Xan, I want. I want to touch you, but I. I can't." he pulled his hips away from Xander's as he spoke, trying desperately to make him understand.

Xander shushed him with a chaste kiss. "Whatever you want, Graham." He said gently. "When you're ready."

"No sex. I'm not ready yet." Graham whispered more to himself than to Xander.

Xander nodded and smiled tenderly, brushing his fingers over Graham's cheek before cradling his head gently. "You're beautiful Gray. So perfect." He leaned forward as if to kiss Graham again, then smiled, langourously licking his lips, before dropping to press a kiss on Graham's shoulder. Teasing. "Touch, that's what it's all about." Xander captured Graham's hand in his own and placed it on his hip. "I'm not ready either, not for. that. But I want to learn you, your feel, your smell, your taste. Tonight is not about sex, it's about learning. I'm learning you, you're learning me. That's all this is about," he whispered, smiling against Graham's skin, before pulling away to look at him. "If that's okay?"

Graham smiled, tenderly pressing his lips against Xander's forehead, his temple, the line of his jaw. He rested there, wondering what he'd done to deserve someone so wonderful in his life. A small sound of appreciation from Xander encouraged him. He trailed his hands over Xander's chest. "You're so soft." He whispered, staring at his lover's hard body.

"So are you, Gray." Xander hands moved of their own accord over Graham's chest. "You're all hard muscles and angles and. it's sorta weird."

Graham chuckled and blushed. "A good weird, right?" He asked, nervously.

Xander smiled brightly and kissed Graham's torso, just over his heart. "A very very good weird. You're beautiful. It's weird because I'm not used to this, but. God you're beautiful."

"You're adorable, Xander." Graham replied, sighing happily and relaxing into Xander's arms, as they wound around his body.

The younger man smiled into Graham's hair, relishing the feel of another muscular chest pressed against his own. Xander cradled his lover's head in the crook of his shoulder and smiled as he felt Graham's heart thumping gently against his skin. Xander felt Graham's erection pressing against his thigh and the sensation settled him. Somehow, he knew Graham really would be ok with this eventually and they would both be able to find their release in each other's arms.

"Xander?" Graham mumbled warmly against the damp skin of Xander's neck.

"Yeah?"

"Aren't we supposed to be touching?" Graham asked, almost chuckling.

"Isn't cuddling good too?" Xander closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of his boyfriend.

"Cuddling is good. cuddling is more than good." Graham sighed happily, burrowing his head into Xander's chest.

The End