*****

Dear Diary,

Guess what Diary? Spike and I are officially dating.

Yep, that's what I said. We're dating. As in, Spike asked me out on a date. And I said yes.

I know what you're thinking. It sounds so...highschool-ish, huh? I mean, I've known him for *years*. Since I was a kid practically. And we *live* together, for goodness sake. Dating just sounds so...backwards or something.

But here were are. Just home from our first "official" date.

And it was...nice.

Okay, it was awkward as hell. But...sort of fun too. In a tense "have I lost my mind, I can't believe I'm doing this" way. However, I'm starting to get used to this new...tension and strained awareness between us.

It's been this way since Friday after the Kiss.

All weekend long and all week so far, we've been doing this awkward dancing around each other. Which was expected, I guess. I mean, I blatantly admitted (idiot that I am) that I was falling in love with him and he likes me too. I'm not sure why, but he does. So, here we are, both falling for the other emotionally and sparks are guaranteed to fly physically. I'm sure you think that everything should be peaches and cream and that we should strip down and fall naked into bed together, right?

While I admit that it *sounds* like fun...we've got too much baggage to go there. Yet. Maybe ever.

I mean, it's like this big white elephant sitting in the middle of the living room, ya know? We both know it's there...and yet, neither of us wants to *admit* it's there. So, we tiptoe around this huge thing between us, trying so hard not to upset the status quo. I'm fairly stable and happy...and so is he. Don't fix what ain't broke. Ya know?

So we get all flirty and then we back off shyly. We flirt, we get shy. Flirt. Shy. Flirt. Shy. It's this endless cycle that's sweet and romantic and fun.

And part of me wants soooo much more. I'm sure he feels the same way.

Then I think of Anya. And this agonizing pain rips through me, leaving me gasping for breath. If I let myself fall that deeply in love again, and then I lose it? It'll *kill* me. There will be *no* surviving that pain twice. I know this as fact.

And Spike feels the same way about Dru.

He tried with Buffy and she shot him down. He was willing to risk it all and it didn't work. He was lucky in a way. Buffy didn't give him the chance to have that love returned so that it could grow and bloom. If that happened and then *she* left him, it would have killed him.

And now I'm in that position that Buffy was in a few short months ago. If I keep Spike at arms length, he'll eventually get over me. But if I let him get close and nurture his feelings towards me, than I could kill him by simply walking away. Or by dying. Or...

Well, anyway, that's a lot of responsibility. For both of us.

The white elephant.

It was Spike who figured that maybe if we take it *real* slow then it'll be okay. Instead of fighting that metaphorical elephant, we could...I don't know. Trick him, I guess.

With that in mind, Spike asked me out on a date.

And I said yes.

He took me to a movie at the local theater. Not sure where he got the money and I didn't ask. But that's okay. He bought the tickets, the popcorn, the drinks and the chocolate. It was...different for me. I'm usually the one who pays, but it was fun. Being pampered and catered to like that, I mean. I can see why girls like it so much.

The movie was, of course, an action flick with a high body count, but we both loved it. And we held hands in the dark the entire time. Which, if you think about it, is funny. Spike, William the Bloody, holding hands. But it was nice. He was nice...well, for Spike. And he has great hands. Slim. Strong. Cool. Smooth. His had felt great in my own. Like it belonged there.

Afterwards was a bit tense. I was nervous. Babbling, stuttering and all. I kept having these visions of him kissing me again. I wanted that. Badly. Very badly. But, I didn't want it as well. The elephant and all...

I'm sure that I was acting like a psychotic idiot, but I couldn't help it. All I have to say is, thank God for Buffy. We ran into her on the way home and she roped us into helping her roust out a nest of fledglings.

Nothing like a perky Slayer and dusting vamps to ease a man's tension.

In fact, I feel so good now, that I think I'll ask Spike out on Friday. I wonder if he's ever gone Miniature Golfing before...

Alexander L. Harris

END