*****

SPIKE *KISSED* ME!!!!!!!!

On the LIPS! With HIS lips!

oh my god oh my god, what'll I do? I have no clue what to do...

Um...I know. I'm gonna go to work and pray that I don't get so distracted thinking about the KISS that I don't hurt myself with the reciprocating saw.

That's it. Go to work and let denial do it's thing. Yep. That's me. Denial boy.

Well...gotta go.

Xan

Dear Diary,

Well, Diary...I think I owe you an explanation about this morning. Not that you care, being a book half-filled with my scribbled writing...but maybe it'll help sort things out in my head.

You see, it's really all my fault, actually. I've been acting like a big ass lately. First I was trying to figure out if I could ever see myself in a 'relationship' with Spike. I *thought* I had been real smooth and nonchalant about it, but apparently not. In fact, I was (and this is a direct quote) silent, broody and throwing bloody odd looks around like the Great Irish Bastard Himself had gone and infected me with his Magnificent Poofishness. Capitalize as required.

Then...about an hour or so after I figured out that I *could*, in fact, enjoy a tumble between the sheets with Spike, I realized that it would be as if I had forgotten about Anya. When I *haven't* and I *won't*. God knows I still love her and miss her and I want her back so badly, but...

Anyway, I guess at that point I started getting snippy and gloomy and down right nasty to be around. I didn't *mean* to be a jerk...it's just that everytime I caught myself having a good time or thinking about Spike, I would get hit with this black wave of guilt. Like I didn't deserve to be happy or to have a good time. After all, Anya can't anymore, so why should I, right?

I know what you're thinking. It sounds strange to me too even as I'm writing it down, but it doesn't stop me from *feeling* this way.

Anyhoo...I guess Spike got sick and tired of me moping about, alternately laughing, joking and having a good time, and then suddenly snarling, grumpy, and rude. So, being Spike, he did the only thing he could. He confronted me with it.

So...I sort of told him. Not *everything*...at least, not at first.

I told him that I liked someone. I mean, *really* liked someone. As in, falling head over heels in *love* with this person...and did that make me evil for not being faithful in my heart to Anya?

He got this odd look on his face, one that I've never seen before, but it was soooo sad. I was confused at first, but I guess it makes sense in retrospect. In any case, he went on to tell me about how much he loved Dru and how much it hurt when she left him, because he *knew* that he'd never get her back...just like when Angelus left them over a century ago.

He told me that just because you can't hold someone in your arms anymore, it doesn't mean you stop loving them. That you don't *ever* have to stop loving them. Then he told me that it's okay to love more than one person. And that it's okay to love them differently. He said that each love is unique and should be cherished for it's own specialness, but that one love shouldn't stop you from experiencing another.

And in some weird Hellmouthy way, that makes sense to me. It doesn't stop me from loving Anya or missing her or wishing that she would just come *back* to me...but it does make me feel better about having feelings for Spike.

Speaking of Spike...he then asked me *who* I thought I was falling in love with. My only excuse is that I was *so* distracted trying to wrap my brain around the concept of loving more than one person at the same time that I just blurted out the truth without stopping to think.

So I said, "You Spike. I'm falling in love with you."

We both sort of froze, just staring at each other in shock. I think I was as close to wetting my pants as I've come since "that day". I can clearly remember that Spike's mouth opened and closed a few times, as if he were going to say something, but nothing came out.

Then, in a blur of movement, he was across the room and pulling me into his arms. I remember that the only thought running through my head was *not* that he's going to kill me now...but that his eyes were so very very blue.

Then...he *kissed* me.

Alexander L. Harris

END