*****

As he walked towards home, struggling with a bag of videos and a collection of junk food, Xander was trying to develop a life strategy. He knew he couldn't keep on drifting aimlessly. The depression that clung to him was proof of that, but the strategy development *still* wasn't going well, his mind refused to focus. A decent job and place to live just weren't as interesting as chocolate, TV or sex.

[Mmm, chocolate. Mmmm sex. Chocolate *and* sex..argh, focus Xander, focus.]

Actually, he wasn't sure *why* he was bothering with a plan, the Hellmouth was bound to finish him before he hit twenty-five. Especially since Buffy and Willow were *so* distracted by their other halves. It wasn't that he had anything against Riley or Tara. In fact he felt pretty apathetic towards them both.

[They're just so, so, so, bland. Yeah, that's it. Like water crackers, or Boost Bars without the after tastelessness.]

He knew he wasn't defenceless, but it was nice to know that there was supernatural backup available. Having the girls distracted made him uneasy. It didn't really bother him that he depended on women. Well, *most* of the time it wasn't an issue; he only started getting depressed when he felt useless.

[And that's been this year's theme hasn't it buddy? God, if only I could stop feeling like a complete screw up.]

His depression had lifted somewhat after the Scoobies defeated Adam and bonded over videos, spooky dreams and hot chocolate. [Mmm, chocolate.] He had helped *and* had fun. It was almost like old times. Almost.

A week later everything had come crashing back down again. Buffy left to join Riley in Washington before going to Iowa to meet his family and Willow was on a mini road trip with Tara. Something about expanding her horizons, as if they hadn't expanded beyond all expectations already.

Xander snorted. [Who'd have thought *my* Wills would end up with a girlfriend. A *girlfriend*!] He still couldn't wrap his mind around it, and the dream definitely hadn't helped. If he closed his eyes he could still see the girls making out in the back of the ice-cream van. Not to mention Joyce in the red robe.

[Buffy's mom, *Buffy's* mom, Buffy's *mom*.] It was almost a daily mantra. [Am I *always* going to be this hormonal? You'd think Anya's over-developed sex drive would have taken care of that by now.]

Anya, there was another problem. Well, she wasn't a problem exactly, more of a dilemma. He knew she was in love with him, but even though it was nice to be loved, he just didn't feel the same way. *Now* he had to decide whether to end it before she could be hurt more than she would currently, or stay with her and try to fall in love.

[Yep, that's a plan. I'm sure I can love her, and I don't want to encourage vengeance. Vengeance is definitely of the bad. Who knows what would happen this time? Besides, the sex is good. A little tiring, but bundles of fun nonetheless. Now, what was I meant to be thinking about? Oh yeah, a decent job.]

His head was beginning to ache from all the thinking when he heard a yell and a crash. Without hesitation he dropped what he was carrying and ran across the road.

******

The noise had come from two men fighting in the park and the angry sounds emanating from both participants caused Xander to assume it was a drunken brawl. The nearest bar was only around the corner, after all, and not everything in Sunnydale was Hellmouth related. Then, just as he was about to shout out to break up the fight, he noticed that one man was pinned to the slippery-dip. The man was flailing desperately, landing the occasional blow, but having no success against the opponent who was leaning in towards his neck.

Realizing his mistake [and we've been fighting vampires for *how long*?] and reining in his shout, Xander pulled a water pistol full of holy water from one pocket and a stake from the other. He ran as quickly and silently as he could across the distance separating him from the vampire, then stopped a short gap away. A small squirt from the water pistol and he had the demon's attention.

"That was foolish", growled the vampire.

[Oh God, ohGod,ohGod,ohGod. Great thinking Xander, make the vampire angry. Shit, shit, shit. I should have staked him through the back, he *might not* have heard me.]

"Well, no-one's ever accused me of being Mr Sensible", Xander emptied his pistol then stepped to the side as the enraged vamp. charged and conveniently impaled itself on his upraised stake. [Whew.] "I guess it's lucky I've practiced dusting when Buff's been away. Those dust bunnies can be awfully nasty sometimes".

Xander was smirking, pleased with himself, as he turned and faced the victim. The smirk disappeared in an instant.

"KYLE?"

******

Kyle was pissed off and he was taking it all out on the *thing* that was attacking him. {I just had to go and get myself attacked, didn't I? I'm going to die here and all my plans will be screwed. I *honestly* don't know why I expected anything different. I may be an idiot, but I shouldn't have forgotten how dangerous this place is at night. Who am I kidding? Of course I'm an idiot, have I ever been anything less?}

All the frustrations of the past few years were behind the blows he was landing, but he was still pinned. Kyle shouted with rage and despair. {Why me? Why now? I just wanted to put things right, redeem myself.}

He wasn't the same boy that attended Sunnydale High. The disaster with Principal Flutie and a move across the country had made sure of that. Arrogance and self-confidence were distant memories. As was any desire he'd ever had to socialise.

Life at the new school had been tough. This time *he* was the outcast, rubbished because he didn't even try to make friends. Taunted because they thought he was strange. If only they'd known how strange he really was.

Kyle often wondered if the kids he'd ridiculed in the past had felt as hurt as he did. In moments of honesty he knew they had felt much worse; he'd been broken before any high school cruelty was aimed in his direction.

Events in Sunnydale had destroyed the person he used to be. Overwhelming revulsion and guilt transformed him into a reclusive mess and, after being interviewed by the police investigating Principal Flutie's death, he had stopped talking altogether. That was when his parents decided to move.

Now here he was, back in Sunnydale, struggling for his life. {Well, I've been here almost a year, I'm surprised it's taken this long.}

He had come back searching for the others and found Xander. It was then that he'd started to watch the other man, looking for an indication that he suffered as well. For a long time Kyle believed Xander didn't suffer at all. He had friends, a girlfriend and no trouble getting a job (trouble keeping them, but definitely no trouble getting them). Recently, though, Kyle had started to see signs of unhappiness, but he wasn't sure.

So when his attacker turned to dust and he turned around to thank his saviour he was stunned. Not to mention nervous. It wasn't that he didn't want to see Xander. In fact, ever since he'd started to watch him Kyle had been trying to figure out the best way to approach their reunion.

{Come on Kyle get it together. He's just another guy. You don't know him, there's no history. Stop gaping like a fish. He's going to think you're mute if you don't hurry up and speak.}

They stared at each other with open mouths for what seemed like weeks then Kyle said,

"Hi Harris, remember me?"

{Oh yeah, real smooth. What an opener.}

******

Xander snapped his mouth shut, "Of course I remember you. You *and* your nasty little gang. Thanks for making the hell that was high school just that little bit worse." [Save a guy, then yell at him. Welcome to the Xander Harris school of heroics.]

"What do you want Kyle? Didn't you do enough damage before? As if things weren't."

"Stop! I don't *want* anything, you saved me remember?"

"Oh. Right. Well, don't mention it, I'll be seeing you."

"Wait."

"What?"

"I said wait. I,..I'd like to talk to you. Can we go for coffee?" Kyle was freaked, he hadn't expected Xander to be angry at him. Any chance of resolution and understanding was disappearing in front of him.

"Again I say, what?"

"Look, it isn't safe here, and.um.well.ummm."

"Uh huh?"

"Umm. I'd really like to talk to you, about.stuff." {This babbling idiot routine is bound to work, in a million years or so. *Why* am I so nervous?}

"Give me one reason why I should." Xander may have been in a hyena pack with this guy, but that didn't mean he was going to trust him now.

"Ah, um, because I need you to help me." The words came out in a rush and Kyle could feel his face flushing.

Xander was stunned. Those were the last words he had expected to hear. [Maybe not the last, he'd never say he was a Teletubby in disguise. I don't think?]

He snorted and nodded curtly, "OK. Let's do it".

*****
Part 2:

They contemplated each other for a moment before Xander spoke. "I have to get my stuff. I dropped it when I heard you yell. I hope it's still there, I don't think the video store will accept vampire attack as a valid excuse for losing eight videos." [Although the hysterical laughter might earn me a discount.]

Xander knew he was babbling, but he couldn't stop. Seeing Kyle still had him reeling. It had been almost three years and the hyena possession was something he worked very hard to suppress. [Thank you *very* much!] Thankfully the Hellmouth had provided plenty of distractions.

"Great, they're right where I dropped them."

Videos, chocolate bars, bags of chips and soft drink bottles were strewn across the footpath, but the carry bags had disappeared.

"My bags are gone, they blew away I guess. I don't know how I'm gonna to carry this stuff. I suppose we'll just have to swing by my place so I can drop them off. Uh wait no, can't do that, there's a thing happening," Xander wasn't sure why he didn't want Kyle to see his apartment, " I can't carry these while we get coffee. Maybe you could wait here while I run to the store and get more bags. What do you think? Oh duh, that's likely to put us both on the menu."

Kyle finally got a word in, "I managed to keep my backpack, you can put the stuff in there if you want?"

"Uh, thanks."

Kyle knelt and opened his bag while Xander gathered everything together.

"Were you having a video party?" Kyle asked.

"What? Oh, no, no party," Xander gave an embarrassed smile, "this was just for me. A party for one."

Xander dumped his videos and food in Kyle's bag while Kyle held it open. He wasn't really paying attention so the jolt he felt when his hand brushed against Kyle's made him flinch. [What in the Hellmouth was that? Static electricity probably, nothing to worry about. This is me not worrying.]

******

Xander and Kyle were silent as they headed for Starbucks, Xander having passed through his babbling stage and become mute instead. They were going to Starbucks because Kyle hadn't felt ready to see any familiar faces they might encounter at the Bronze and Xander knew Giles was at the Espresso Pump. [I am *so* not ready to see him sing again.]

They sat at an out of the way table and ordered coffees. Then Kyle began to talk.

*****

Two hours later and Xander didn't have a clue what to think about the man sitting opposite him. He was nothing like the boy in Xander's memory. That boy had been cold and calculating;

## It was a great day. The sun was bright and they were spending a class free day at the zoo. He and Willow had just finished convincing Buffy that the zoo was a fun place to be when they noticed Kyle and his gang going into the Hyena House with Lance.

"What are Kyle and his buds doing with Lance"? Willow asked.

"Oh, playing with him as a cat plays with a mouse."

"What is it with those guys?" Buffy hadn't been in Sunnydale long enough to have a strong understanding of the various cliques and their motives.

"They're obnoxious. Professionally."

"Well, every school has 'em. So, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids."

Buffy slipped into slayer mode, "Yeah, well, I'd better extract Lance before..."

He'd been so desperate for Buffy to see him as a man that he volunteered to help Lance. Which was how he found himself in a confrontation with Kyle as he and Tor were trying to feed Lance to the hyenas.

"Why don't you pick on somebody your own species?"

Kyle had looked at him as though he was a piece of dog do stuck on his shoe. "What, are *you* gonna get in my face?"

And then it happened. ##

Xander shuddered at the recollection and tried to reconcile it with the person before him. Kyle still dressed with style. At the moment he was wearing well cut black pants and a dark grey shirt, there was no indication that he'd been fighting for his life earlier in the evening. His dark hair was a little longer than Xander remembered, but the eyes were every bit as piercing. An amazing blue with a dark ring around the edge. [I could lose myself in eyes like that. Whoah, what weird part of my subconscious did that thought come from?] The cruelty was gone though, he just didn't seem to have it in him anymore. Sure Kyle had told him that he'd changed, but what convinced Xander that he was sincere was the look in his eyes.

Yet, despite his feelings on the subject, Xander *knew* the hardness and cruelty was still there. He could sense it. Just like he could sense it in himself. [Sense? Since when did I *sense* things?]

After the ritual, when he became himself again, he had pretended that he didn't remember anything. He *still* hadn't admitted the truth, only Giles knew. What Giles didn't know was that he could still feel the hyena. It was inside him, it was a part of him, had changed him.

The hyena had left a small centre of ruthlessness deep inside his soul. It was generally dormant, but every now and then it surfaced. When he had to fight demons, when his friends needed protection and, in those times when he didn't feel needed, it turned inwards. He still felt guilty for not telling Buffy that Willow was going to restore Angel's soul. His inner hyena had been in charge that day.

Xander shook himself out of his introspection and looked directly into Kyle's eyes. He wondered about Kyle's inner hyena. What had it done to the rest of the pack?

"So you've given me the historical perspective, minus a few details I s'pose. What are the previews, how exactly do you need me?"

******

Kyle had been dreading this question ever since he uttered the words in the park. {How am I meant to answer that when I don't know myself?} He decided to be honest.

"I don't really know "

Xander gave him a sharp look. So Kyle continued quickly. He might not have been sure why he needed this, but he knew he did.

"I've told you about where I've been, what I've done and what's happened to me, but I haven't told you how I've been. What happened...."

"The hyena possession?" Xander realised he was the first one to speak the words aloud.

"Yeah. It, the hyena thing, changed me. When we came to, when it was over, I didn't know what to do. I know that I was always nasty, but that was child's play compared to the things we did in that time. I, " he faltered, "I can feel, smell and taste what we did to Hector and Principal Flutie. It's never faded."

## The prey is trying to get away, Kyle can smell the fear and confusion, he growls a warning and it falls into the chair. The pack closes and Kyle watches as the others toy with their dinner. He joins them. They begin to feed. He's *so* hungry and the catch tastes good. He can't control himself as his teeth rip through flesh, shredding it into pieces and spilling blood. He eats and laps at the blood until he is sated. Out of the corner of his eye he can see the others doing the same. He retreats, contented, and begins to clean. ##

"After that it wasn't the same. The police spoke to all of us, we were the last ones to see Principal Flutie alive. They wanted to know if we had seen any wild dogs. Wild dogs, hah, more like wild humans. We couldn't look at each other without recalling what happened in the office. I mean we all remembered, but being around each other made it a million times worse. The others left gradually, until I was the only one left."

"I was there."

"But you had your friends, and it wasn't as though we associated with each other before. Anyway, I was a mess. Herbert and Principal Flutie were all I could see, the guilt and loneliness were driving me insane. I stopped talking. It was then my parents decided to move."

"They thought they were doing the best thing for me, but being an outcast only made it worse. I despised myself, and every new taunt, every cruel trick, every wall I built, only made it worse. I saw all kinds of psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors. Nothing helped, I was in a maelstrom of self hate and despair." Kyle rolled up his sleeves and stretched his arms across the table, palms up.

Xander looked at the scars in surprise. He would never have pegged Kyle as someone who would try to escape.

"After I was in the hospital, I realised that running away wasn't going to help. I could feel the hyena in me. So I began trying to heal myself. Eastern philosophies helped a lot. Basic elements of Buddhism, meditation, yoga and Tai Chi, they all helped me feel control again."

"Did it work?"

"I take it a day at a time. Even now I struggle to make sure that the harshness it creates stays inside. I don't want to be mean again. I don't want to be savage again. I don't want the hyena to define me anymore."

Xander nodded slightly. "I think I have an idea what you mean."

Kyle continued. "I did well at school and was feeling much better about myself, but something was still missing. There was a big hole inside and it didn't feel as though I'd ever be complete. When high school ended I decided to come to college in Sunnydale and try to find the rest of you. That was a year ago."

"After arriving in town I settled in an apartment owned by my parents. I had only just started the search when I found you. It's funny, despite being lonely I couldn't bring myself to speak to you. I guess I was scared. So I started to watch you instead."

"Watch me? As in police stakeout or stalking?" [I can't believe he's been following me and I didn't even notice. I need to hurry up and buy a clue or the Hellmouth is going to finish me.]

"No." {God, I hope I haven't blown it.} "I just, kind of, kept an eye on you. When I wasn't in classes or studying. I needed to know if the hyena affected you the way it did me. I wanted to see that you had suffered like I did. I needed to see if there was a chance we could be friends."

"Were you following me tonight?"

"Ironically, no. I was on my way home from the library when I was jumped."

"And when exactly were you going to finish with the *stalking* and talk to me?"

"Honestly, I don't know. Every time I thought about approaching you it felt wrong. I was positive you wouldn't listen." Kyle studied Xander closely, finally catching his eyes. "I'm glad you did."

******

Trapped in Kyle's intense gaze, Xander squirmed. He knew that his confessional was next and he wasn't sure he was entirely up to it. He was saved by the waitress.

"I'm gonna have to ask you fellas to leave. We're closin' up."

"Sure, not a problem." Xander rushed the words. [Saved by the bell. He,he,he, man, I loved that show.] "Sorry, what did you say?"

"I said, come back to my place, we can continue this there."

Xander swallowed.

*****
Part 3:

Walking towards Kyle's apartment, Xander was still wondering if he should have gone with his first impulse and said no. [Who am I kidding? I *want* to be here.] Though barely aware of it, he had begun to feel drawn to Kyle, as if he never wanted to separate from him again.

The apartment was truly amazing. It was spacious, and tastefully decorated in a masculine wood, leather and chrome theme. Xander whistled softly. [Cordy would be in ecstasy if she saw this.] He wandered around the lounge room looking at the paintings, noticing that there were no photos, before settling on the couch.

"Would you like a drink?" Kyle's voice wafted in from the kitchen. "I have tequila, beer, coke and water. Oh, and coffee, but you're probably all coffee'd out."

[Dutch courage and clogs are good] "Beer thanks."

As Kyle settled on the other end of the couch, Xander's senses went into overdrive. A slow heat travelled the length of his body. His nose twitched at the scent of the other man's aftershave and sweat. The slightest move Kyle made sent sounds ricocheting through his head. [Something is definitely happening to me.]

He glanced towards Kyle, feeling his pupils dilate and mouth go dry. "So I s'pose it's time for 'The History of Xander, 1997 to 2000." He took a swig of beer.

Kyle's intuition told him Xander would tell his story, but he spoke anyway. "Don't feel obligated."

"No, it's OK. I'm just not sure where to start. It was all so extreme, but I don't think it affected me as much as you. I didn't have time to dwell on it, the Scooby Gang went through some really wild stuff after that."

"Scooby Gang? Wild?"

"Me, Willow, Buffy and Giles, we're the Scooby Gang. Cordelia and Oz were members too. If you've been following me, you're bound to have noticed our unusual night time hobby."

Kyle gave a slight nod.

"Well, we got involved with that because we found out Buffy was a vampire slayer. Chosen to fight the forces of evil, blah, blah, blah. After the hyena possession there were demons, supernatural manifestations [Giles would be proud.], invisible girls and *lots* of vampires. Buffy died, we saved her. The general wackiness continued and is continuing. Our lives pretty much revolve around it now."

"And you?" It was softly spoken.

"Personally? Well, you know, life's one big fun park, lots of rides, you go up, you go down, you spin around, feel sick and laugh. That's what it's been like for me anyway. I've had a couple of girlfriends. Thought I was in love with Cordy until the fluke with Willow ruined it. Funny how she was the most normal girl I dated. I still miss her sometimes. Things with Anya are different. It's alright I guess, but I don't think it's what I need anymore."

Xander glanced at Kyle then kept talking.

"I've been happy and I've been depressed. This year hasn't been great. The girls and I, we, we drifted apart, stopped listening to each other properly. Got wrapped up in our own issues I s'pose. Home, well, home's home. My parents do their thing and I do mine. I don't see them very often; we have a mutual avoidance policy. I can't seem to keep a job and wasn't smart enough to go to college." He was starting to depress himself so he looked for the positive.

"But, hey, I've been a soldier for a night, almost turned into a fish when I was on the swim team, and helped save the world a few times. That's more than most people get to do in several lifetimes."

Kyle watched as Xander's expression changed. Suddenly he looked harder, less amiable.

But the hyena never left. I've always been able to feel it. It's not the same as it was, something changed, something that let me be in control again. I don't have to fight it the way you do, though it takes over every so often, when I'm fighting demons or when I'm upset." Xander suspected that this was the reason Kyle struggled and he didn't. That, and the fact that Kyle had been meaner than he was.

"I thought I'd lost control once. Buffy's boyfriend had gone all evil, he killed a friend of ours and was trying to have the world sucked into Hell. Buffy went to kill him and Willow sent me after her. I was meant to tell her that Willow was going to restore his soul. That made me angry and the hyena came out to play. I felt ruthless and didn't deliver the message. I still feel bad about it. Despite being a vampire, when he isn't Angelus, Angel is kinda OK."

"So, that's my story. The Cliff's Notes version anyway. Anymore detail and we'd be here for days." Xander stopped and focused his gaze on Kyle.

"Has it helped?"

******

Kyle thought he was in shock. He used to believe he was tough, but all it had taken to break him was one possession and some nasty school kids. Shame threatened to overwhelm him. The man in front of him, the one with the honest, open gaze, had been through so much more, but he'd never tried to escape. Judging by the edited tale he had just listened to and what he'd witnessed, Xander was courageous and strong. Not the pathetic geek they'd all thought he was at school.

Swallowing his pride once more, Kyle said, "It has helped, but I don't know if it's enough. Xander, I feel so fragile. The rage gets stronger everyday. I don't know if I'll be able to control it much longer. It felt too good to hit that vampire. Will you help me? Teach me how you stay sane? Please?"

Starting in surprise, Xander nodded slowly. "I'm not sure what to do exactly, but I'm willing to try."

"Are you hungry?" Kyle changed the topic abruptly. He felt drained and needed a break from the intense discussion.

Xander chuckled. "Always."

******

They spent what was left of the night eating Xander's food, playing Playstation games and chatting breezily about the changes Kyle had noticed in the town. At different stages it occurred to both of them that it was a nice feeling not to have to worry for a while. The clock was approaching four a.m. when the predominant sound in the room became heavy yawns.

"I need to go to bed. You can crash on the couch if you like?" {Please stay. I want to see you in the morning.} Kyle was wishing with every bit of energy he had left.

"OK. It's not a good time to be walking around anyway." [Why do I want to stay so badly? I've been out at this time before.]

After stripping to his boxers and sinking into the makeshift bed, Xander closed his eyes and wondered about the changes he could feel in the hyena.

That night the nightmares began.

*****