*****

"Awww, baby," Mrs. Harris cooed as she opened the front door to find her son, shivering on her front step. Quickly she ushered him in, noticing his bare feet even though she was still very heavily sedated. "Your father just left."

"I know," Xander said, his teeth still chattering. "I waited until he did."

Smiling a drug induced smile, she asked, "Where are your clothes? All you have on is a pair of sweats and a blanket."

Biting his lip and forcing himself not to say 'duh,' Xander nodded. "I. . .I had to leave and I didn't have time to get my clothes."

"Well," she said slowly, "you can take some of the clothes your dad doesn't wear. But nothing he does because then he'll be mad."

"Can I have some coffee or something, Mom?" Tightening the blanket around himself, Xander followed his mother into the kitchen. "You look better," he commented.

"Oh," she said as she waved a hand at him, "you know how it is. He always lets me heal before. . ."

"He never did with me," Xander cut her off sullenly.

"That's 'cause you're a boy. You can take more of it."

Clenching his teeth, he waited silently until his mother put a coffee mug in front of him. Now was his chance to get warm. "Thanks," he whispered before he took a sip. It tasted like shit, but that was how his father liked it.

"You look tired, baby. You shouldn't be drinking coffee."

Shaking his head at her attempt to be motherly, Xander clutched his cup tightly. "I didn't get any sleep last night and I'm only drinking this to get warm."

"Want me to cook you something?"

"You can't cook."

"Right," she replied, uneasily.

As Xander watched her leave the kitchen, he tried to control the chattering of his teeth. When she came back, she sat down next to her son. "Here," she said, holding out her hand. There were two little pills in her palm. "These will help you sleep. Your dad won't be back until well after seven tonight so you can stay here. . ."

"Mom, I don't want your drugs," he hissed harshly.

Looking down, she bit her lip. "I only wanted to help, baby."

Sighing, Xander rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. "I'm sorry, Mom. I know you're trying to help. I'm just. . .all messed up right now."

"Take the pills. Whenever I feel like I'm just all messed up, I take them and then it's okay. I can just sleep and everything goes away while I rest."

Without thinking about it further, Xander reached out and plucked the two pills from his mother's hand. He popped them in his mouth quickly then swallowed them, taking another gulp of the cooling coffee. Breathing in deeply, he felt his mother hand brush against his cheek. "There you go, baby. It'll be better now."

**

Xander woke up in a warm bed with a warm body pressed up against him. His mind was, for once, gloriously blank and for the first time in a while, it didn't hurt to open his eyes. What did hurt, emotionally rather than physically, was when he turned his head to the left. Xander let out a shaky breath when he saw his mother lying naked beside him. Self disgust, guilt and self pity washed over him as he looked down and lifted the covers to reveal that he too was undressed. Sitting up, he covered his eyes with his hands.

Tears burned in his eyes but he refused to allow them escape. He just shook his head. Despite the warmth of the bed and the warmth of being well rested, the cold began to seep back into him. "Fuck," he whispered. "Why couldn't you be a normal mother?" he asked as he looked at the woman beside him.

Glancing towards the clock, he saw that it was fifteen minutes until six o'clock. His father would be getting home in about an hour or and hour and a half and Xander was cutting it close. He started to panic when he realize that he had no where to go after he left his mother. No where.

Giles' was out. He'd have to explain, apologize and see that look of pity. Oz's wasn't an option. No way was he going to go back to the place where he made a fool of himself and got shot down. Buffy would ask too many questions and Willow would just pity him. Her mother would also lecture him about one topic or another. Mrs. Rosenberg was never subtle.

Xander thought about going to his grandmother's but then ruled that out. He hadn't seen her since he was ten. She probably wouldn't even recognize him.

He had no money to speak of and the only things in his possession where stolen clothes and a stolen blanket.

All of the oxygen threatened to escape his lungs as he thought about another option. Staying home. His father would come home and Xander would take his licks. After a couple days, he was sure that his father would forgive him enough to not beat him unconscious every night. Maybe it'd be just a hit here and a kick there. Maybe Xander could just get him so drunk that the man couldn't stand, let alone hit.

Maybe.

A deep waking sigh startled Xander from his thoughts. "You look better," his mother commented with a smile. She sat up next to him, resting her chin on his bare shoulder. "Mommy took care of you."

"Dad'll be home soon," he commented without emotion. "You'd better start cooking dinner."

"It only takes a half hour to cook a TV dinner, baby."

Sighing, Xander asked, "Can I have one?"

**

Dressed in one of his father's old painting shirts and his own sweat pants, Xander sat at the kitchen table, a cup of warm coffee in his hands. He mumbled a thank you when his mother set his dinner in front of him. God, she couldn't even cook a TV dinner right.

"Eat quickly. Sometimes he comes home early to check on me." Xander raised an eyebrow in question. "You know him," she said with a strained chuckle. "So paranoid and. . ."

"I don't really have anywhere to go, Mom."

"I thought you were staying with someone."

"I was."

Scratching her scalp with both hands, Sharol Harris shook her head. "You can't stay here. He'd kill you and then he'd kill me." She thought for a moment. "Oh! Maybe you could stay in the garage. He never goes in there and when he goes to work you can come in here and keep me company."

Xander shook his head. He didn't understand why he didn't want to hurt her feelings. He had an impulse to tell her that she was unnatural and that she was a sick freak, but he didn't. He just simply said, "That'd never work."

"Well, um," she said nervously. It was obvious that the effects of her pills were wearing off. She was starting to get jittery and hyper. "I think, that maybe, you could stay with, um. . .that girl that you know."

Xander sighed. "Can I borrow money, Mom?" he asked before finally digging into the dried out chicken of the TV dinner.

~**~

The next day, creeping up to the librarian's apartment, Xander looked around to see if Giles was home. He didn't see Giles' car and it was a school day. Almost silently, Xander used the spare key to open the front door and sneak inside.

Once inside and sure that he was alone, he quickly moved to the den, packing up as much stuff as he could. His duffel bag was filled almost to overflowing with his clothes and his satchel was crammed full of his CDs and school books.

Having packed up as much as he could carry, Xander slowly made his way to the front door. Setting his mini boom box down for a moment, he dug into the jeans he had put on and pulled out the key to the apartment. He dropped it onto the table before picking up his things once again.

His soul felt as heavy as his bags as he exited the apartment and as he began to walk the two miles to the seedy part of town, he tried to ignore the fact that his bags were packed too heavy. He tried to ignore the fact that even though he had said it would never happen again, he had allowed his fucked up relationship with his mother to once again rear its ugly head.

But most of all, he tried to ignore the hurt he felt inside. Hurt caused by knowing that he had no one. No one wanted him. No one but his abused and abusing mother.

It took a long time for Xander to walk the streets of Sunnydale to the eighteen dollars a night motel that Xander had paid up for the next three days. His mother had come through with some money, but it was going to run out quickly. Xander had to smile as he remembered the look on his mother's face when he'd asked for money. She got excited. She'd been squirreling money away and hiding it from his father for years now. Good for her.

But at a hundred and twenty six dollars a week plus food, Xander would have to figure something out soon. He'd have to make some money.

Entering the motel room, unit number 31, Xander dropped his burdens and locked the door behind him. Flipping the switch, the light came on and Xander tried to ignore the bugs scurrying back into their safe and dark hiding places.

Sitting down on the old, worn mattress, covered by old, worn and stained sheets, Xander rubbed his eyes. Tomorrow was Friday and he was going to go to school. He'd have to see Giles and Oz and probably everyone else, but it didn't matter. He knew that no matter what they said to his face, they would all be better off without the burden of him.

On Saturday he'd pawn his boom box and CDs which would give him a few more day's rent. Then he'd try to find a job or some way to make money. In a town like Sunnydale, there were always openings. But Xander didn't know if he wanted a legitimate job. It'd be too easy for people to find him like that. But in a town like Sunnydale, there was always underground work.

**

In third period, Xander received another slip of paper, asking him to report to the library. Sighing deeply, he stood up, collected his things and then left the classroom. He had an urge to run. To just leave.

But he also had a need to go see what Giles would say. It almost felt like an addiction. He wanted to see the pitying look on the Watcher's face. Maybe Oz would be there too and he could see that glint of pity in the guitarist's eyes.

As he pushed open the door, his teeth clenched. He should have ran. Not only were Oz and Giles there, but Buffy and Willow were also gathered around the table. "Think he'll show?" Buffy asked.

Clearing his throat, Xander replied tightly, "He has."

When Buffy and Willow turned towards him, he saw the pity in their eyes. They knew. Of course they knew. Everyone knew about poor Xander and how fucked up he was. Moving no closer than the check out desk, Xander leaned against it and looked to Giles.

Xander's look made the older man nervous. In the boy's eyes there was a look of betrayal but on his face there was no emotion, like he'd sealed himself off. "Xander," Giles said tenderly.

"What?"

"I'm, I'm glad that you came to school today. I, I wasn't sure if. . ." Giles let his voice die out when he saw Xander's eyes move to Buffy and Willow. "Yes. Yes, well, they suspected something when you weren't at school yesterday and so Oz and I felt that we had no choice and told them. . ."

"I see."

Giles cleared his throat as he pulled the glasses from his face. "We told them that you had been living with me because your father had. . .well, hurt you."

"I see," Xander said again, already tired of the librarian's stuttering and stammering.

"Xander, why didn't you say something to me? You know my family would have been there for you," Willow said, her voice soft and sad.

"Is this what I got pulled out of class for?"

"Xander," Buffy said. "We're concerned. Where are you staying now? Why do you look like you haven't slept? Why won't you let Giles help you anymore?"

"Thanks for your concern," he sighed. He had closed himself off the moment he walked through the door. He wasn't going to cry and he certainly wasn't going to let anyone in that room make him feel like they wanted him. They'd just reject him again. "I've got a place to stay. Where really isn't important, is it? I look like I haven't slept because I really haven't slept for a while. And I don't need help."

"Maybe Giles and I could talk to Xander alone," Oz said quietly, knowing that what really needed to be discussed were the kisses of a few nights ago. He and Giles had compared notes.

"Maybe you could talk to Xander like he was a person standing in the room. And when you do you can ask him if he wants to talk to anyone," Xander replied tightly.

"I didn't mean. . ."

Xander shook his head. "I'm going back to class now." He turned around and had almost made it back to the door when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He twirled around quickly, pushing the body back. The hand withdrew and he looked up into the emotion struck face of Giles. The man was about to say something, but Xander stopped him. "Don't," he said quietly. "You've made everything perfectly clear to me and I don't want anything and I don't need anything from you."

"Xander," Giles whispered. Closing his eyes for a moment, Giles sighed. "Where are you staying?"

"I told you, I have a place. I know you don't want me so I'm going now." Quickly, Xander spun around and left the library, deciding that staying at school wasn't such a good idea. That'd give them all too many more opportunities to corner him again.

Walking quickly, Xander left the high school, heading back to his dreary motel room to spend the day trying to get warm.

~end~