*****

It was a dark night when it happened. Now, every night is dark, but that one was particularly dark. I don't remember seeing the moon at all. I had been out hunting my fellow hunters. It was long after Buffy had gone home. Where she left off on patrol was where I took up.

Every night it was the same. Concordia Cemetery, Restview Cemetery, sweep Miller's park, check out the hospital parking lot, stalk around in the dark shadows of Main Street before heading back to the mansion.

But that night, it wasn't the same. In the middle of Miller's park, I found a body. Not just a random victim. It was Xander, Buffy's friend. His feet were dangling in the pond and he was lying back on the grass, his arms spread wide, a stake lodged firmly in one hand. I smelled his blood and my eyes went to his neck. Sure enough there was a bite mark.

But then I noticed something. I felt that hum, that tingle inside of me. He wasn't dead. At least not in Hellmouth terms. He was going through the change. He'd been turned.

Fuck, Xander was a vampire.

Moving to pick him up, I bent over. I was going to take him to Giles, have him cursed with his soul before he'd taken any lives.

Well, that was my plan. Instead what happened was that Xander's sire, a young vampire, dashed out to stop me. The commotion awakened Xander and after the normal after rebirth haze went away, he stalked towards me, right beside his sire.

~**~

"What do you mean he's a vampire?"

"I mean that a vampire fed from him then had Xander feed from him."

Willow swallowed and tried not to burst into tears. She failed. Burying her head in her hands, she didn't even notice that Oz was rubbing her back and whispering soft words to her.

"Xander's a vampire." Sighing, I nodded to Buffy. "And you didn't. . .stake him?"

Shaking my head, I said, "I wanted to bring him back here before he killed anyone so that his soul could be restored. His sire attacked, then Xander did. I managed to kill his sire, but Xander just bolted. He's newly made. He was hungry and by now he's eaten."

Willow whimpered.

There was nothing that I could do to ease the pain she felt, so I just continued. "He'll be finding shelter soon, as it's only a few hours until dawn. New vampires seek shelter from the sun early until they become comfortable with. . ."

"Xander's a vampire," Buffy said again. Shock.

Turning to Giles, who was just sitting in his chair, his hand covering his mouth, I continued. "He'll be allying himself to someone soon. He'll be a fledgling, although it'll be more adopted than anything. His sire is dead, which means he'll be taken in as more of an apprentice than a fledgling. Eventually, he'll gain power and control."

"We need to find him."

I nodded to the watcher. "The sooner, the better. If we get to him before he chooses his leader, it will save us some heavy fighting."

"Wait," Willow said in barely a whisper. "The restoration spell. He doesn't need to be present. I can do the spell and he can be anywhere. I need an Orb of Thessulah."

~**~

The next night, Willow performed the ritual. She did it like she was an expert. I stood away from the others, just watching. Unlike them, I knew what that spell would really do. I knew how Xander was going to feel.

Pain would lance through him like a stake to the heart. Guilt would crash within him and his suffering would begin. I knew that he had to have killed by then. He had probably killed a lot. Newly made vampires are just exploring things. They play. Playing for them is ripping hearts out and breaking bones.

Idly I wondered if his parents were still alive. The first thing I did after my stomach was full of warm blood was kill my father and kill my mother. My younger siblings came next, but I didn't enjoy it as much. They were kids and were easy to subdue. I killed my older brother last. My father's favorite. I had laughed at the fear in his eyes. He wasn't going to inherit my father's fortune after all.

As Willow ended the ritual, silence swallowed the room. After a moment, the red head looked up. "Well? Think it worked?"

"Will he come to us?" Buffy asked, looking at me as if I had all the answers.

Shaking my head, I said quietly. "Probably not. He's not one of you anymore."

"He'll always be one of us," Willow protested, fire apparent in her voice.

I smiled softly but then shook my head. "He'll never be one of you. He's killed. He's killed for fun. Xander's swallowed blood of a human, created their pain and caused their death. He won't come here."

"Then how are we supposed to know if it worked?"

Looking softly at Willow, I sighed. "I'll find him."

"Then what?"

I shrugged. "I'll make sure he doesn't stake himself."

"Xander would never. . ." Willow started, but then trailed off. She looked down and laced her fingers with her boyfriend's.

Moving slowly for the door, I spoke in a low tone, "Guilt can be overwhelming. Guilt can make you see it as not giving up, but just doing the world a favor."

~**~

I found him in the park, sitting on a bench. He must have just gotten there. It was near dawn and I had already swept Miller's park twice before.

I walked up behind him, but before I got within a yard, he said, "Go away, Angel."

Quickening my pace, I moved around the bench and sat down next to him. "It's near dawn, Xander," I said unnecessarily.

"Go away, Angel. I know what time it is."

"How many people did you kill in forty-eight hours?" It was a risky course of action, but a necessary one.

"Too many. Now will you go away," he said, his voice flat.

"I can't. If I walk away from you Buffy and Willow and Giles would never speak to me again."

"Tell them you didn't find me."

"I also can't walk away because I don't want you to die."

Shaking his head, he leaned back and closed his eyes. "Fine, stay. We can both die then. Our ashes can blow in the wind."

I nodded. "Sounds good to me."

"You'd do that to Buffy?" he asked as he turned to me, his sad eyes opening.

Looking at him, I replied, "Would you?"

~**~

Right as the first few beams of sunlight rose up into the sky, Xander and I hurried into the safety of my mansion. He didn't want to be there. He wanted to be out in the sun. Luckily, I appealed to the more rational side of his being. I made him aware of just how useful he could be to Buffy and her fight.

As I ushered him farther into my home, I noticed that he was shaking. Xander was hungry. The spell most likely interrupted his hunt and he probably hadn't eaten in quite a while. "I'll get you something to eat."

"I don't want blood," he said softly.

"You need it. You're getting weak."

"I don't want blood," he repeated.

"Xander." I looked him straight in the eye. "You're a vampire now. We drink blood to live."

Turning away from me, he moved to the open fireplace. "I don't want to be a vampire and I don't want to live, Angel."

Nodding, even though he couldn't see me, I moved closer to him. Sitting down on the hearth, I watched as he did the same. "It's hard. It will always be hard. But you've got the strength for it, Xander. You've always had the strength."

"It would be so easy to put a stake through my heart."

I nodded. "But your soul would get no rest. Your purpose now is to help people."

"And to be alive and watch all the humans that I care about die?" I nodded again. "Well that sucks."

Smiling, I shook my head. "It's the nature of what we are."

"I didn't ask for this."

"Rarely anyone does. I didn't. I was a foolish boy, infatuated with the wrong woman. Neither of us had a choice then. But we have quite a few now."

"Like what? Bagged cow blood or fresh from the cow blood?"

"Whether or not to fight. We could just curl up and die or we can stand strong and fight against things like us." I looked at him closer. He was shaking even more than before. "You're hungry."

"I'm not drinking blood."

Standing up, I looked down at him. "You are. If I have to hold you down and pry your mouth open, you are going to drink it." Xander's face grew hard; harder than it had been. "Do you know what happens when we get too hungry? When we starve ourselves?" I asked. He looked up at me. "It's not pretty."

~**~

"Are you going to sit there and watch me?" he asked, looking up at me. He was sitting at the table, a large cup of warmed blood in his hands. His trembles were becoming quakes and I absently marveled at the boy's willpower. Had it been me or most any other vampire, the blood would be long gone by now. "Well?" he asked, drawing me out of my thoughts.

"You don't want me to look at you?" I asked, my eyebrow raised.

"It makes me nervous," he answered quietly, his eyes now fixed on the cup.

"That's your need for blood, Xander." He just glared at me. "You feel shaky. You can't keep one thought long enough to really understand it. You're one edge and you're highly aware of my presence. You can see me, you can smell me, you can feel me in the way that your whole body hums. Throbbing pain is coursing its way through your body. That's the hunger. You can feel the demon just under the surface and it feels like it's tearing you to pieces on the inside." I paused and just studied him. "Am I right?" I watch as his jaw clenches right before the ridges of his forehead appear and his eyes turn yellow. The fangs that grow and make his lips curl back complete the transformation. What I was seeing was now Xander's true visage. "Drink, Xander, give your body what it wants."

His eyes closed and I could practically see the struggle within him. Slowly, his hands released the cup and his vampiric visage faded. "I don't want it," he said in a low voice, his eyes fixed on his hands.

I sighed and took the cup in my hand. Bringing it up to my mouth, I let the warm, sticky substance run over my lips and tongue, down my throat. He looked up at me and saw me do it, but he never saw me move after that. With lightening speed I moved to him, roughly pushing him off the chair. My body was on top of his, pinning him to the floor before he even knew I had moved. "Fuck," he yelled. I just grabbed a hold of his wrists and then brought them above his head so that I could hold them with one hand.

My other hand wrapped tightly in his hair and I yanked, hard enough to entice his demon to come out. He growled at me and I smiled as I titled my neck to the side and moved down. I shoved my flesh into his face and his mouth opened. Knowing it was against his will, I felt his fangs graze my skin. The blood was so close, I knew he wouldn't be able to resist. I was patient. After a few long minutes, I felt the piercing pinch of his fangs digging into my neck. My eyes closed as blood gushed from the wound.

Xander's lips latched onto my skin and I felt him begin to suck, gently at first, then with more force. I couldn't help but groan; it felt good. It felt better than anything had in a long time. Humans wouldn't understand it, but being fed off of is probably the single most erotic thing a vampire can experience. It transcends sex.

But that was not why I forced Xander to drink from me. He needed sustenance and he was being stubborn. But all the same, I couldn't help but feel the pleasure of it all. I moaned low before I pulled away, carefully trying to avoid the ripping of my skin. I didn't want to stop; I wanted him to take everything; to drive me to that point where everything in the world disappeared unless it was directly related to his mouth. But I couldn't. I was already feeling light headed and I needed to feed myself.

Reluctantly lifting off of Xander, I moved to the refrigerator and pulled out a mug already filled with blood. I popped it into the microwave even as my eyes were still glued on Xander. He was just lying there, on the floor, his eyes closed. When the microwave beeped, I pulled out the mug and lifted it to my lips, quickly devouring its contents. Setting the cup down, I moved back to Xander.

Crouching down beside him, my eyes narrowed as his lips moved. "Asshole," he breathed, so low and soft that even I could barely hear it.

"You needed to feed."

"You forced me to feed."

"My job is to take care of you now and if that means forcing you to do things you don't want to do, then so be it," I answered.

One of his eyes opened, followed by the other. Both locked on mine. "You are not my father," he said slowly.

"Did you kill your father?" I asked. His jaw clenched and he rolled over so that he was no longer facing me. It took him a moment, but he managed to push himself off the floor and into a sitting position. "Xander?" I said softly.

"I killed him," he admitted, his voice seemingly dead. "And my mother too."

"Siblings?"

He shook his head. "Don't have any. But I did kill my aunt, uncle and grandmother. She didn't taste very good."

My heart broke at the sound of his voice. So guilty, so down, so defeated.

"I killed my family too."

He shook his head again, got to his knees and then finally stood up. Looking down at me he said, "Don't, Angel. I don't care what you did to your family. You're not me and I'm not you and knowing that someone else got hungry and pissed off and ate his family doesn't make me feel any better about the fact that I did."

"I was only trying to. . ."

"Yeah?" His eyebrows arched up at me. "Well, I'd really like it if you didn't."

He turned to leave and I stopped him with a question. "Where are you going?"

"To find a room in the massive house and sleep," he answered sullenly.

"Do you want. . ." I started.

"No. I don't want. I don't want anything except to be something other than what I am." He turned back to me, fire and anger in his eyes. "Why the fuck didn't you just stake me? Why did you have to get Willow to curse me? You know how much this hurts. Did you hate me so much that you wanted me to hurt this bad?"

"Xander," I said, shaking my head with one arm outstretched as I took a step towards him. He stepped backwards, but I continued. "I didn't hate you. The curse was the only way. Besides, it wasn't my idea. It was Willow's."

I watched as his brow creased further and he rubbed the heel of his hand down his face. "I didn't ever think being a vampire would be like this," he said softly.

"You've given it thought?"

"All the time." He shrugged. "My friend Jesse was turned and after that, I thought about it all the time. I didn't think it would be so. . .tiring."

Finally, I was close enough to place my hand on his shoulder. Looking him straight in the eye, I said, "It gets easier. Not a lot easier, but easier than it is right now for you."

*****
Part 2

Xander had chosen a bedroom not far from mine and by nightfall, he was still asleep. I had checked in on him periodically. Sleeping, he looked like he was dead, as he should've. He was still and his coloring was unnatural. Of course, none of that surprised me, but what did surprise me was how I felt when I thought about this boy being a vampire. Xander, as I knew him, was dead. A new being had taken his place. Sure, he still held on to a few conventions that had made him the human boy he once was, but things had changed, thus he had.

The moon had been out for an hour when I heard the door creak open. Slipping quietly from Xander's room, I hurried down the hall and down the stairs. I was greeted by Giles standing in the foyer. "Angel," he said softy as he looked at me. "How is he?"

"Miserable, but asleep," I replied.

"I just stopped by because Buffy and Willow. . ."

"Tell them he's fine. Not up for visitors, but he's doing okay."

"Is he?"

Walking to the main room, knowing that the watcher would follow, I nodded as I sat down next to the fireplace. "He's confused and angry. He doesn't want his new life. I had to force him to feed this morning."

"Do you think he'll adjust?"

I squinted as the mortal asked the question. Xander was awake. I could feel him. He was creeping around the other side of the wall, probably listening to the conversation intently. "Now's probably not the best time, Giles."

"You know the others will want a report on. . ."

I sighed deeply and turned my hardened eyes to Giles. "Now is not about them. You know that. It's about him and I can't in good conscience tell you anything more than what I have." I flicked my eyes quickly to the archway, trying to let him know that Xander was out there. He seemed to understand.

Nodding, he said, "Fair enough. I'll just let them know that you're taking care of things and it's best just not to worry. Things will work out." Giles stood up as did I. He gave me a quick parting nod and then quickly exited through the garden.

"Xander?" I called as I moved to where I believed he was. As I rounded the wall, I saw him sitting with his back against it, his knees up and his arms resting on his knees. "Xander. You're up."

"How observant." I was about to say something when he looked up at me and asked, "Is there a way that I might lose my soul? Like you did?"

"I'm not sure."

"So maybe if I become happy, I'll lose it?"

Crouching down next to him, I nodded. "It's possible."

"And you were happy by having sex with Buffy?"

Frowning, I just looked at him, trying to figure him out. "Well, it wasn't so much the act as it was the meaning behind it. I'm sure if I had just had sex with some random person, I would have never reverted to Angelus, but since it was Buffy and we were both willing to give ourselves to each other. . ."

"I get it," he interrupted. "I wonder what my moment of happiness would be."

My eyes narrowed more. "Why do you want to know?"

Arching his eyebrows and giving me a lazy sigh, he shrugged. "If I lose my soul, I wouldn't care who I've killed or what I am. And Buffy would have no problem staking me."

"Don't talk like that. You've got a real chance at being someone important to the fight against. . ."

"I'm hungry," he said, breaking through my words. He stood up and looked down at me. "Make me breakfast?" I nodded and stood up, moving towards the kitchen. I had thought that he was following me, but I was wrong. I whipped around as soon as I felt him move in the opposite direction. He was fast and before I knew it, he had left the mansion.

~**~

"I told you, I lost him. He was quick," I said for the fourth time as Buffy paced back and forth in front of me.

"And he was talking about trying to lose his soul?" she asked again. I just nodded. "How would he do that?"

"Find his happiness?" Giles ventured.

"Yeah," Buffy said, "but what is it?"

"Well, I think he's thinking that it's love. He asked me about how I lost my soul and. . ."

"Cordelia?" Willow asked.

Everyone looked up at her. "What about her, baby?" Oz asked.

"Xander loved her. Even after they weren't together, you can tell that he loved her."

"So you feel that he's gone to her?" Giles asked.

~**~

"Xander's a vampire?" Buffy nodded to Cordelia. "A good one? Like Angel?" she asked as she sat down, her hand placed against her stomach as if it hurt. I stood outside her living room window, able to see inside and hear the conversation.

"Yeah, he's got his soul. Did he, you know, come here and maybe did you two. . ."

Confusion gleamed in Cordelia's eyes as she shook her head, not at Buffy, just in general. "He came by. He climbed the tree and knocked on my window, just like he always did." Cordelia paused and swallowed, looking rather ill. "You know, before the break up."

"Cordelia?"

"At first I was just like 'go away, loser,' right? But for some reason I have this weakness within me and he brings it out. So I opened the window and we talked. And you should have heard the things he said, Buffy," she said, speaking directly to the Slayer and all but ignoring Giles who sat in the corner, listening intently. Cordelia shook her head slowly. "It like he was completely different." She paused. "Okay, not completely. It was like he kept all the stuff I loved about him and threw away the other stuff and replaced it with everything I've ever wanted."

With a shaking hand covering her mouth, Cordelia continued, "He wanted to know if he could come in. He just wanted to talk, you know? He said he didn't expect me to take him back or forgive him, but there were just things he needed me to hear. I told him that if he wanted to, that he could come in and so he did. And we talked."

Giles cleared his throat and asked quietly, "And is that all?"

Finally, Cordelia glanced his way, her eyes wide and shock written on her face. "He's a vampire? Xander's dead?"

Placing her hand on the other girl's shoulder, Buffy asked, "Cordelia, did you and Xander get, uh, well, physical?"

"Define that."

"Did you have sex?"

"No," she whispered. "We kissed. But then he pulled back like I was poison and then he just left." She looked up at the Slayer. "He's a vampire?" Buffy nodded. "A good one?"

~**~

"Xander?" I called out softly, nearing the bench slowly. He didn't move; he just stayed there. His shoulders were slumped and his head was bowed. "What are you doing here?"

It wasn't until I sat down that he spoke. "Waiting."

"For what? Sunrise is hours away."

"Not the sun," he said, shaking his head. "You."

"You were waiting for me?" He nodded. "Why?"

"Because I don't know what to do."

I took him home with me, made a call telling Buffy and Giles that I'd found him and that he was, for the most part, okay. Sitting him down at the kitchen table again, I noticed the shaking of his hands. Almost instantly, the tremors moved throughout his body. He hadn't fed since I'd forced him to feed. I heated up some blood, then handed it to him in a mug. "I don't want it," he said morosely.

"Xander," I said patiently, "let's not go through this again." He just sighed and pushed the cup away from him. Taking the cup, I drank the warm, sticky fluid, then set the cup back down on the table. I reached out and pressed my wrist to his mouth. It was only a second until I heard him growl and saw his face change. His fangs sunk into my flesh, letting my blood pour into his mouth. "Is this the only way I'm going to get you to feed?" I asked as he hungrily sucked my wrist. Not that I minded. In fact, the thought of being in this state of arousal three or more times a day made me dizzy with excitement.

My knees felt weak as my eyes closed and I sank slowly to the floor. Xander moved with me, ending up on top of most of my body, his mouth still attached to my wrist. Lifting my heavy arm, I threaded my fingers into his hair. Half of me wanted to yank him away, but the other half of me wanted to hold him to me, letting him drain the rest from me. But as the sensations became painful, I pulled him away, moaning as his lips left my flesh.

He rolled to the side and I looked over at him. His chest was rising and falling rapidly as he was still in the habit of breathing. Slowly, I flipped myself over, then got up on my hands and knees, crawling like a wounded puppy to the icebox. I opened the door and grabbed a bag of blood, feeling my fangs lengthen. Tearing open the pouch, I drank it cold. I couldn't have cared less about the taste; I just needed it. When that bag was drained, I grabbed another one, this time making it to my feet to throw it in the microwave to heat. When the machine beeped, I got out the bag and tore it open with my teeth. I drained it quickly. I didn't need that second bag, but I wanted it.

Throwing the empty plastic into the sink, I moved back to where Xander was still lying and I crouched down. His eyes were still closed and he was still breathing quickly. I sat down all the way, sitting cross-legged. I picked him up easily and placed him in my lap. One hand held the base of his neck while the other wrapped around his waist. I pressed his face to my neck and was rewarded by his sharp canines cutting into it. I moaned as his lips moved against the wound. His arms moved up to clutch at my shoulders as he moved around on my lap. Finally, he got comfortable; his legs wrapped around my hips. My arm tightened around his waist, pressing him closer to me as he continued to drink from me.

Another moan escaped from me and I heard Xander's responding moan. I heard it over the gentle sucking noises he was making at my neck. He started rocking on top of me and I did nothing to discourage it. Quite the opposite, actually. I rocked with him. I'd been hard since his mouth first attached itself to my wrist, but now I was aware of his erection, pressing and rubbing against mine. His head pulled away and I could feel the blood tricking down my neck. He was playing now. His tongue flicked out against my torn flesh and lapped up of the stream of blood. This new technique almost drove me mad as it sent tiny shudders coursing through my body. After a moment, he went back to simply sucking, but then lapped. He created a pattern that was not unlike French kissing. A sweep with his tongue, latching with his lips, another sweep, deeper exploration and then sucking again. It was exquisite.

I came with a shout, my fingers digging into him as my arms, as a whole, squeezed him tight. At the sound of my harsh voice crying out, he rocked faster. He was still drinking from me, but it had become sloppy. He had more pressing things to concentrate on. I felt his cool breath against my skin as I heard him breathe out. He came with just a tiny sigh, laced with a breathy moan.

We sat there together for a moment. I could feel the wound on my neck begin to close. My wrist was already healed. Finally, he pulled back, the lower part of his face smeared with blood. His eyes searched mine and I saw confusion in them. "I know you don't understand," I whispered, gently massaging his shoulders. He had grown incredibly tense and his lower jaw started shaking, as if he were cold. "It's okay." He just shook his head as the shaking traveled down his body. I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't help myself. Sticking out my tongue, I swiped it against his chin, licking up some of the blood. He let out a harsh breath that made me pull back and take notice of this confusion again. Shifting him, I stood up with him in my arms. "Let's get you cleaned up and then in bed."

~**~

"Angel?" I heard. I sat up in bed, velvet cover sliding against the satin sheets. I squinted and saw Xander in the doorway, his forehead leaning against the doorjamb.

"Xander?" He straightened and took a few steps into my room. "What's wrong?" He moved closer and sat down next to me. Reaching out, I brushed the hair away from his face as his eyes fixed on my velvet covers. "Hey," I said softly, my hand moving under his chin to lift his head.

"Dream." He swallowed and let his eyes find mine. "I didn't think vampires could dream."

"Bad dream?" I asked quietly.

He shook his head. "Good dream."

"Then what's wrong?"

Again, he shook his head. "Can I stay in here? With you?"

I just looked at him for a moment, but then I nodded and scooted over, making room for him as I lifted up the covers and sheets. He laid down, facing away from me and I hesitated for a moment before I let my hand rest on his waist. I heard him sigh then I felt him move back, pressing himself back into me. I smiled against his neck and let my arm slid around his waist. If he wanted this to be an unspoken thing, I could live with that. Getting use to being a vampire was going to be hard enough for him and I wasn't about to pile on him getting used to being attracted to something other than the opposite sex.

After he had fallen asleep, I just watched him. I slept a little here and there, but my daylight hours were mostly spent by watching him sleep. He awoke a few minutes after nightfall. I had planned on letting him sleep. It was unusual for a newly made vampire to be able to feel the moon rise, but he had. He rolled over onto his back and looked up at me looking down at him. He blinked a few times then asked, "Can we feed?"

I nodded with a smile, knowing that we would end up sharing the blood again. He would end up biting me and we would both wind up in ecstasy. I could already tell that that would be how our relationship went. Before I had been cursed with a soul, I had made Spike for a companion and Drusilla for a toy, but I never had the kinship with either of them that I had with Xander. And to him, they just couldn't compare. It would be a rough road these first few years, but given time and each other, Xander and I would both make it through. I had no doubt that the multiple daily feedings would help.

~end~