*****

"It's not my turn."

Giles sighed, folding his hands together. "It is your turn. You know as well as I that I've done the dishes for the past two nights."

"Quit talking to me like I'm a four year old," Xander yelled as he stood up, pushing his chair back until it fell over.

"Quit acting like a four year old, Xander, and I'd be happy to stop talking to you as if you were one."

"Stop being my dad."

Giles winced, then fumbled to recover. "I doubt your father has ever been this articulate, Xander. Do not compare me to him."

"Why? You think that my family's just white trash, Giles? You think that we can't put words together to form sentences?" Xander shook his head then backed up when the librarian stood. "Anyway, fuck you, Giles. I wasn't comparing you to *him*."

At Xander's angry tone, Giles' jaw clenched and he removed his glasses, two fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. "Xander, calm down, pick up your chair, then clear the table."

The boy scoffed. "I think not."

"Why are being like this, Xander? Are you trying to annoy me so that I'll leave you alone? Are you trying to push me away? Because you're doing a fine job of it." Giles immediately regretted his heated words when the emotion left Xander's face. No longer was his expression one of anger; now it was just blank.

"You want me to clear the table?" Xander asked in a low voice. "Fine." Moving both hands under the lip of the table, he threw it up and over. When the table was on its side on the floor, the dishes in a state of disarray, Xander looked back up at Giles. "Table's cleared."

Giles stood there in shock for a moment. Finally, he shook out of his daze when he noticed that Xander had moved from in front of him. Turning, he saw Xander moving towards the door, a light jacket clutched in his right hand. "Where are you going?"

"Out."

"You can't."

Xander spun around. "I can't?" he repeated, challenging the Watcher.

"It's a school night and you've got homework."

A sharp smirk developed on Xander's lips. With a laugh that wasn't quite a laugh, Xander said, "Right, dad." Turning again, Xander threw open the door and stomped outside, slamming the door shut behind him.

Closing his eyes, Giles shook his head. It was becoming more and more like this. Oh, Xander had his good days, but more often then not, his bad days prevailed. It had been a month since Giles had taken him in and two weeks since Xander started to see Dr. Karls. Xander had only had four sessions and every time they ended, Xander said that it wasn't that bad, but would refuse to tell Giles what he had talked about with the woman. Giles had a sneaking suspicion that Xander wasn't saying much of anything during his therapy sessions.

If he was, it didn't seem to be helping. His attitude was getting worse. To a point that even Buffy and Willow noticed that something was wrong with the boy. No longer did Xander joke_about anything. No longer did he laugh when someone else joked. No longer did he greet people with a smile. It was all frowns and depression now.

Xander tried. He tried to keep up appearances. He tried to not let anyone know he was down, but he failed. There was a black cloud hovering over him, not allowing any sun to shine on him.

**

"Hey, Xand," Oz greeted, eyeing the younger boy cautiously. Oz took in the slumped shoulders, the hands stuffed into pockets, the frown, the red eyes and way Xander's gaze was glued to the floor. It all added up to something not good. "What's up, man?"

Sitting down on the ratty old couch in Oz's basement. "You and Devon and your band smoke pot, don't you?"

"Yeah," Oz answered hesitantly.

"You holding?"

"When did you become a stoner?" he asked in a voice that held a hint of amusement.

"Can't you just answer the fucking question?"

Any amusement Oz had faded quickly. "No, man, I'm not holding and if I were I wouldn't give any to you."

Xander looked up, his eyebrows arched in surprise. "Why?"

"Dude, because you're running. Dev and I smoke up because it's a good time. You want to smoke up because you want to get away. There's a big difference in intent there, Xander. I wouldn't give you any because with you it'd be a one way ticket to addiction."

Xander laughed his not quite a laugh again. "Addicted to marijuana? What are you an officer from D.A.R.E.?"

"No," Oz said softly before setting down his guitar and moving to the couch. "I'm your friend. And I'm not saying that you'd get addicted to pot; I'm saying that it could very easily lead to other stuff. Shit you don't want to mess with."

"Whatever." Xander rested his head back against the couch and closed his eyes.

"Want to tell me what's wrong?" Oz tried.

"No."

Oz nodded even though he knew Xander couldn't see the action. "I'm surprised Giles let you out on a Wednesday night."

"Yeah, I'm like a fucking captive, aren't I?"

"He just wants to make sure you're safe."

Xander opened his eyes and stood up quickly. "I'm going now."

"Dude, you want me to give you lift home?"

"Home?" Xander lifted his eyebrow. "Would that be where my mom and dad are or where Giles is?"

**

Sitting on the swing in the park, Xander hummed loudly. Anything for something to do. It was half passed eleven and not a vamp in sight. Xander wasn't quite sure what he was doing; what he was proving to Giles by doing this. Maybe he wanted the Englishman to realize that he wasn't a kid or that he didn't need a father.

All of this had started over the simple act of washing the dishes. Xander had known it was his turn and in reality, he didn't even mind doing the dishes. Giles always helped him anyway. But to Xander, it was the symbolism. It was another grown up making him do something and Xander was just tired of that.

As he pumped his legs harder, trying to swing higher, a pursuit that he had followed as a child, Xander started to think about what Giles had said. 'Are you trying to annoy me so that I'll leave you alone? Are you trying to push me away?' That was exactly what he was doing. Giles cared about him. Really cared and Xander just didn't know how to respond to that. He thought that it'd just be easier for him to make Giles leave him before anything else happened, before he got too attached.

But even with that, there was something else. Something festering within him. He wasn't himself. He was angry and quick-tempered. He got mad at the drop of a hat and started crying nearly as easily, only he never did that in front of others. Since that day on 9th street when he sobbed in front of Oz, Xander had kept his crying to himself. He knew that Oz and Giles knew he still cried, but he'd be damned if he'd let them see him do it.

And then Xander thought about something else Giles had said. 'Are you trying to push me away? Because you're doing a fine job of it.' That's when he got scared. He was doing a good job of making Giles want to leave him? Xander's brain waged war on itself, half of it not wanting to drive the man away and half of it wanting nothing more than to be rid of Giles forever.

Xander was conflicted; he was confused and at the moment, he was alone. It was scary and Xander hated being scared. He wanted to be safe; he wanted to finally feel like he wasn't drowning.

**

Giles looked up as the front door opened. He stood up quickly, a swift feeling of relief washing over him as he saw that it was Xander and that he was living and from outward appearances, relatively okay. "Are you all right?" Giles asked as Xander closed the door slowly.

Xander didn't reply as he locked the door and slid his jacket off. He hung it up on the nearby coat rack, knowing that Giles hated it when he just dropped it on the floor. Moving to Giles quietly, Xander's eyes were glued to the floor. When he was only a few inches from the librarian, Xander leaned in, pressing his head into the hard chest of the man.

Giles simply wrapped his arms around the boy, one hand tangling in thick brown hair. "It's okay," Giles whispered.

**

"So, since I've talked so much in our last few sessions, I thought I'd shut up and give you a chance to talk," Dr. Karls said with a smile. "So, Xander, is there anything you'd like to talk about?" She watched as the teenager began to squirm in his chair. Rising from behind her desk, she moved to a plush seat next to Xander. She sat close enough to be near him but far enough away to keep him comfortable with the situation. "Xander, we don't have to talk about anything you don't want to." She smiled. "We can talk about the weather or things you want to do someday or places you've been to visit. Or we can just sit here for a while until you want to talk."

"It's hot out and I don't know what I want to do someday and I haven't visited any place cool."

Dr. Karls smiled. "Where have you visited?"

"Portland."

"Really? Why'd you go there?"

"My mom's family's there and my mom and me went there for a few months when I was twelve."

"Just a get away trip?"

"Yeah," Xander said with a bitter laugh. "A 'get away from Dad' trip."

"Do you want to talk about your father?"

"No."

"Okay."

"He treats me like I'm kid, you know?"

Furrowing her brow, the woman thought for a moment then realize how the he was that Xander was talking about. "Mr. Giles does?"

"Yeah. Like I'm just this rebellious youth and he's my dad, you know?"

"Maybe he doesn't know how to act. Maybe he_"

"I don't think I should have to do the dishes unless I want to."

"Do you pay rent?" she asked gently.

"No, but that's not the point. He only makes me do them to prove something."

"Prove what?"

Scoffing, Xander said, "How the hell should I know? I'm not the one that's proving it, now am I? I wouldn't even mind doing the dishes if he'd just stop telling me to do them like_"

"Like he's your father commanding you to work?" Xander looked down. "Xander, Mr. Giles is just as new to this as you are. Maybe this is the only thing he knows how to do. His intent's pure. He wants to help you."

"He doesn't have to act like he's my father. I don't need a fucking father."

"You need a friend?" Dr. Karls watched as Xander barely nodded. "Why don't you want him to be a father figure?"

"I don't want to talk anymore."

"About this subject or at all?"

Xander turned to the picture his therapist had painted. "My ex girlfriend was an artist."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Xander smiled. "Though she never admitted it. She was good. Well, is good, I guess. Once, she showed me this painting she did of her family. It was real good. It was expressive, I guess, 'cause her dad was drawn real big like he was this mammoth guy and he was standing away from the rest of them, which is how it is. He's never home. He has his own apartment in LA. And she drew her mother sleeping, which is also true. She's sick a lot, so she sleeps a lot. And her sister, she drew her sister real well. It was perfect, which is how Cordy sees her sister. And then there was this spot on the couch where everyone was sitting and I could tell that's where Cordy was supposed to be, but wasn't."

"What do you think that means?"

"One of two things, either she felt like she wasn't part of the family and that she was invisible within the family or that she was choosing to not be a part of the family. Both are possible."

"You don't paint, do you?"

"No, I don't paint," he answered with a bored voice. She'd already asked him that.

"If you did, how would you paint your family?"

Xander's jaw clenched. Dirty trick. "Is our time up yet?"

"No, do you want it to be?"

"Yes," he answered tightly.

"Okay, then I'll see you in a couple days." Dr, Karls smiled when he just sat there with near shock written on his face. "Xander, I'm here for you. If you want to leave, then our sessions over. This time is for you, so I can't make you stay here for the full hour if you don't want to be here." She paused and licked her lips. "I'm dedicated to helping you, Xander, and the best way for me to do that is to allow you the freedom of choosing to be helped."

"Whatever," he said with a sigh as he stood up and moved to the door.

"Xander? Would you mind if I spoke to Mr. Giles for a moment?" At Xander's nervous look, Dr. Karls assured him. "I won't tell him anything about what you've said to me. I just want to know how thing are going from his perspective. You can be in the room if you'd like."

Xander shook his head. "I'll see you later," he said softly.

**

"Mr. Giles," the therapist said once the man had situated himself in the chair that had been occupied by Xander. "How are things going with Xander?"

"He's irrational, he's angry, he's rebelling against things that aren't even there. He's a roller coaster of emotions."

She smiled sadly. "He's an abused boy."

"Yes, well," Giles said as he looked down at his lap, almost ashamed. "I'm not sure what I've gotten myself into."

Licking her lips, Dr. Karls nodded. "It's obvious to me that you care for him and I commend you for your efforts to help him. If only every abused kid had someone like you." Sighing, she continued. "Xander cares for you, Mr. Giles. He just doesn't know how to express it. In one way or another every person he's cared for has betrayed or abandoned him. It's very frightening for people who've had their hearts and souls crushed so many times to put them back out there.. You know that I can't tell you specifics of my sessions with Xander."

Giles looked up. "Nor do I want you to."

Dr. Karls folded her hands in her lap. "It's obvious that Xander has an affection for you that he can't quite understand. We haven't spoken much, so I can't say whether his affection because you're a father figure to him, or because you're a friend to him, or anything more. I do know that he's frightened of what ever it is that he feels for you. You have to be very careful with this, Mr. Giles," she warned.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, if you two have a conflict over something trivial, let it go if you think it's not going to be resolved or if it goes downhill. Right now is a very delicate time for him. He's fragile and he could run at anytime. Don't push him on the little things. If he sees that you're a disciplinarian when it comes to small housework, I can guarantee that he's not going to feel comfortable enough to go to you with the big stuff. He sees he's father as a disciplinarian and if he sees you being one, a connection will be drawn, even if it's drawn in the remotest regions of his mind."

Giles nodded. "Thank you."

Dr. Karls smiled. "He's got an appointment in two days at the same time. If you need me before that, you've got my office number, my pager number and my home number."

**

Xander looked up, then stood when he saw Giles appear with Dr. Karls walking behind him. "See you later, Xander," she said before turning to a tiny little girl in the corner and squatted down next to her, asking her about her block sculpture.

Giles stopped next to Xander and Xander just looked at him. "I told her that we were still getting adjusted with the new situation, but that given another week, we'll be like old roommates."

"Did she say anything?"

"Other than to ask me how it was going? No."

"Good." As they started to walk out of the building, Xander said, "Look, Giles, about last night. I'm sorry about the table."

Giles smiled. "I know. It's okay." As he stepped out into the hot Thursday afternoon, with Xander walking next to him, Giles asked, "You hungry?"

Xander smiled. "Am I ever not hungry?"

~end~