*****
When I put away my pen and paper last night, I assumed I would finish the story of my relationship with Xander the next time he was gone for a time. When I awoke today, however, I discovered him sitting at this desk reading the last few pages of what I had written. He looked up at me when he was finished and without the faintest trace of embarrassment informed me that he had read all of it and that I *must* continue it now. Apparently, he feels that I ended at a completely inappropriate spot in the narration. So I sit here now writing as Xander sips a cup of tea beside me. I suppose I should begin where I left off.
Xander and I sat there at the kitchen table, holding each other silently, for several minutes. Finally he pulled away and smiled at me. "I should go," he said. "I'll see you tonight?"
"Tonight's in about three hours, Xander," I told him with a laugh.
Shaking his head, Xander replied, "Very good, Deadboy. You can tell time. Anyway, there's nothing really interesting to do tonight, but we have shopping to do. There's a wedding in three days and we have no gifts for Giles and I have nothing to wear to it. So we're going to the mall. But first I have to go change because I'm not going out in public in these clothes that you so happily stained last night." He was joking again, putting the serious tone of the earlier conversation behind him. "Anyway, going now. Pick me up at the mansion at eight."
"Xander, how are you getting back to the mansion?" I asked.
"Ummm," he answered thoughtfully, "I'm taking your car? I guess I'll pick *you* up at eight." When I didn't answer him, he sighed. "Deadboy, can I borrow your car to get home so I don't have to wear these clothes to the mall?"
"The keys are on the hook on the wall," I told him, pointing. "I'll see you at eight."
"Thanks Deadboy," Xander called as he grabbed the keys and left the room. "See you at eight." And with that he left, the door slamming behind him.
***
He knocked on the apartment door twenty minutes after eight o'clock. "Let's go, Deadboy," he said when I opened the door. "The mall closes at ten. We don't have that much time."
"You know, being on time to pick people up helps you get places faster," I pointed out, grabbing my coat as we left the apartment.
"Okay, see, it's not *my* fault that I'm late," he said in defense as we made our way to the parking lot. "Willow had this list of things she wanted me to pick up and she kept remembering new things to add to it. It took me half an hour to get away from her."
Laughing, I said, "Sure, blame someone who's not here to defend herself. I bet you and Spike were watching porn and you lost track of time."
"Spike doesn't watch porn," Xander answered quickly. At the look I gave him, he grinned. "Well, at least not when Willow's around. No, I'm serious. She's freaking out over this whole wedding thing. It's not even *her* wedding. But since they're having it at her house, she wants everything to be perfect. By the way, have you seen the guest list for this thing?"
"No. Why?" I asked as we reached the car. Opening the driver's door, I got into the car then held out my hand for the keys.
Handing them over, Xander shut the door and then buckled his seat belt. "It's� interesting," he said with a shake of his head. "Pretty much everyone I know is invited. And I mean *everyone*. You, Cordy, Willow, Spike, Buffy�" His voice trailed off and he looked at me curiously, awaiting my reaction.
"Buffy?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. Thinking about it for a minute, I shrugged. "I suppose that makes sense. He's still a Watcher and she *is* still his Slayer. It's only natural for him to invite her to his wedding."
"Well, sure it makes sense," Xander agreed. "But that doesn't mean we have to be happy about it, does it?"
I shook my head. "No, it doesn't," I said with a laugh. "While we're on the subject of the Slayer," I continued, sobering, "would it be okay if I killed her soon?"
"What?" Xander asked, whirling to look at me with a shocked expression. "No! You can't just go around killing people, Deadboy."
"Xander, I kill people every night," I said slowly. "You know that."
Sighing, he turned to look out the window, his body tensing. "I know that. It's just� Okay, I try not to think about that too much. Because I really don't like the idea that you go out to kill random people every night. But I can sorta deal with that. But Buffy's not just a random person. Okay, she's been really bitchy lately. But she was still my friend once. You can't just kill her."
"All right, all right," I answered. "I'm sorry. It was a joke, Xander. Well, mostly a joke. I won't kill her, though, if you don't want me to. But I'm not chatting with her at this wedding either. She can stick to her corner of the room and I'll stay in mine. And we don't ever have to come in contact."
"Sounds good," Xander agreed as we pulled into a parking spot at the mall. Exiting the car, he grinned. "Besides, I don't think Willow would approve of blood or ash or both all over her floors. So, let's try to avoid the big Slayer/vampire battles."
"I can't believe Spike's letting her into his house," I said as I shook my head.
Xander laughed and moved closer to me. "That took a lot of persuasion. First Giles spent several hours convincing Willow. Then Willow spent several days convincing Spike. I think it took a lot of threats of withholding sex to finally get him to cave."
We walked through the parking lot briskly, within an arm's reach of each other but with enough distance between us to avoid brushing against each other. It was the typical "we're not a gay couple" distance that Xander insisted on whenever we weren't on an official date; he always managed to confuse me.
"I can see that," I said, opening the door to the mall. "He's very stubborn. The fact that she convinced him at all says a lot for her powers of persuasion."
"Uh-huh," Xander said, sounding unconvinced. "I think he's just horny."
"Well, that too," I agreed. "So, anyway, are we getting one gift from both of us? Or are we each getting something?"
"You're buying a gift that will be from both of us," Xander informed me. "I'm broke."
"I see. And what am I buying?" I asked.
Walking into the bookstore, he said, "I don't know yet. We'll find something nice I'm sure."
"In the bookstore? For a wedding gift for him *and* Latoya?"
"Sure," Xander answered. "Look," he said, as we spotted the music section. "It's perfect!" He picked up one of the books from the bottom shelf and showed me the cover.
"The Jackson family history?" I laughed. "Yeah, I'm sure that's exactly what they want."
"What?" Xander asked defensively. "It's perfect! Giles can find out more about his new family and LaToya can see how many lies are being spread about her family. Besides, it's only like forty bucks. I could even pay for half of it."
I shook my head. Leave it to Xander to want to buy an overpriced book about musicians as a wedding gift. "That's really what you want to get them?" I asked him.
"Yes," he said firmly with a nod of his head.
"Okay, fine. But I'm paying for their honeymoon to make up for this."
***** Part 2:
We finished our shopping and headed back to my apartment. As we entered through the front door, I sighed. Xander had fallen silent after we left the formal wear store with his tuxedo for the wedding and had spoken little since. Tossing the bag from the bookstore onto the couch, I followed him into the kitchen. "Xander, what's wrong?" I asked finally as he sat down at the kitchen table and began staring down at his hands.
"Nothing," Xander answered quickly.
Sitting down in the chair beside his, I reached over and stilled his fingers, which were drumming against the table. "Something is wrong. You've been acting strangely since we were at the mall. What's going on?"
"I was fine at the mall," he responded defensively.
"No you weren't," I said, shaking my head. I could feel my irritation rising as he continued to deny that anything was wrong when I *knew* that something was bothering him. There was no way I could help him if he didn't tell me what was wrong and I had long since figured out that my life had come to be about helping Xander with whatever he needed help with. "You were fine at the bookstore. You were uncomfortable at the tuxedo store. And you've been downright on edge since we left the mall. What is going on, Xander?"
"I'm hungry," Xander said, changing the subject.
"Xander, dammit," I said angrily, pulling my hand away from his. "Don't do that. Talk to me."
"About what? About the fact that you go out and kill people every night? I'm not supposed to tell you that that bothers me," Xander responded, equally angry. "God, most of the people I know eat *people* for dinner every night and this isn't supposed to bother me at all. I spent *years* fighting vampires and now I'm in love with one. Do you know how fucking messed up that feels?"
"I'm sorry," I said, not knowing what else to say.
Xander shook his head angrily and said, "You're *supposed* to be evil. You go out and kill people every night. That's evil in my mind. But then you hold me and kiss me and it's completely confusing. Because you don't *feel* evil when your arms are around me."
"I like to kill, Xander," I responded softly. "So I guess I'm evil. And I understand if that bothers you."
Xander laughed. "You understand if that bothers me?" he asked, shaking his head. "Well, that's nice. God, why do I have to love you? My life would make so much more sense if I just hated you."
I couldn't help the quick flash of hurt in my eyes. The idea that he didn't really want to love me had occurred to me before, of course, but it still stung to hear him say it. "Well, I'm sorry it's so difficult for you," I said, my voice coming out more angry than I had intended.
He stared at me for a minute, something not quite definable in his eyes. "I think I should go now," he said finally and the hollowness of his voice was like a stake in the heart. He was closing himself off again, pushing me away with just a few words.
"Fine," I answered quietly, feeling my heart breaking. I didn't know what else to do. So I let him walk out of my apartment without a backward glance. And then I sat at my kitchen table for a while, wondering how I had just managed to lose the one person in the world who mattered to me.
*****
An hour later I pulled myself out of my self-pitying mood and left the apartment to hunt, deciding to go see Xander at Willow and Spike's after I ate. I wasn't about to let him go so easily after all that I'd done to finally get him back. I loved him way too much to lose him.
I was walking down the street slowly, searching for prey, when I heard a familiar voice from off to my right. Changing course quickly, I headed to the small stand of trees the voice was coming from.
"Really, guys, I don't think this is a very good idea," Xander was saying. "I know people, you know."
"What kind of people do you know? Let me guess. The Slayer. I would think that the little show you put on last night would make her less than likely to help you. So unless you've got more people on that list of yours, I think you're out of luck," a vampire I had never seen before said confidently.
"Unfortunately for you, he does," I said, stepping into their field of view. "What's going on here?"
The idiot didn't even recognize me. "Nothing. It's none of your business so why don't you leave us alone?"
"Because it *is* my business," I growled, switching to game face. "This boy is *mine*. How dare you lay a finger on him?"
"Yours?" the vampire asked incredulously. "And just who are you that this should bother me?"
"His name is Angelus, you idiot," another voice said as a dark man emerged into the small clearing. "He pretty much runs the show in this town. So I suggest you leave his boy alone. And stay clear of anyone else who has a vampire's scent on them," he added, thoughtfully pulling a lolipop out of his pocket and unwrapping it. "Now get out of here before Angelus here decides that he wants to teach you a lesson."
The vampires scattered and I was left facing the dark man who was now sucking thoughtfully at his lolipop. "Trick," I said, nodding my head slightly. This was the first time I'd met the vampire and I was rather impressed so far.
"Angelus," he answered, a smile coming to his face. "Sorry about that. Fledglings seem to get stupider every year."
I shrugged. "Just keep them away from Xander," I answered. "I don't care about anything else."
"That's fine by me," Trick responded. "Could you tell your people to leave Cordelia alone as well?"
I stared openly at him for a minute. The thought of Cordelia in any kind of relationship with Trick was rather puzzling, but finally I just shrugged. "Of course."
"Great," he said with another smile. "I'll see you at the wedding then." And then he turned and left, heading back the way he had arrived.
As Trick left, I turned towards Xander, wincing at the expression I saw on his face. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing, Dad," he said, stressing the second word.
"I'm not your father," I said softly, hurt that Xander would even compare me to the man.
Shaking his head, Xander responded, "Well, you sure as hell act like him. I'm not *yours*, Deadboy. I belong to me and nobody else."
I stared at him in confusion for a moment and then groaned, remembering what I had said to the vampires just a few minutes before. "I'm sorry about that," I said quickly, hoping to counteract some of the damage I've done. "You're right; you're not mine. I was just trying to get them to leave you alone. But I'm nothing like your father. I can't believe you would even say that."
"I know that," Xander answered sadly, sitting down on a nearby bench. "I mean, in my heart I know that you would never hurt me. When you hold me I feel safe. But my head never shuts up. And it just keeps telling me that at first I didn't think my father would ever hurt me, either. But he did, so much that it hurts to even remember it. And sometimes I can see that same thing in your eyes, the thing I used to see in his when he hit me. You *like* to hurt people and that scares the shit out of me."
"Xander, I love you," I answered, sitting beside him on the bench. Reaching out, I laid my hand gently on his arm. I wanted to show him with a simple touch what he wouldn't believe no matter how much I said it. I *needed* him to know that I loved him and that I would never hurt him, that the pleasure I took from hurting people could never come from hurting *him*. When he turned to look at me, I brought the hand up to his cheek, cupping it gently. "I love you," I repeated. "And I would never ever hurt you. I know you're scared. And I'm so sorry that I'm the person you're afraid of."
A tear rolled gently down his cheek and moistened my thumb. As I brushed it away, he smiled softly. "I love you, too," he said. "See, when it's just the two of us, I'm never scared. I know you would never hurt me because when you look at me I can't even see that person who likes to kill. It's just when you're with everyone else."
Pressing a kiss to his forehead, I sighed. "I'm so sorry, Xander," I said softly. "I don't want to ever scare you. I love you so much."
"I know," he said, wrapping his arms around me and laying his head on my shoulder as he draped his legs across my lap.
I didn't want to end the uncharacteristic public display of affection, but after a few moments I got uncomfortable with the idea of being out in the open at night. Even as strong as I am, there was no guarantee that I could protect him if enough vampires, or people for that matter, decided to hurt him. "We should go home," I said gently.
"Mmm-hmmm," Xander agreed. "In a minute. Let's just sit here for a little while."
So I wrapped my arms around him and held him, keeping an eye out for any signs of attack. Fortunately, none came and we passed the next half hour in peace, holding to each other tightly.
*****
tbc