*****
Angelus shifted the packages he held in his arms and fumbled at the lock. After several attempts, he succeeded in getting the door open and shouldered his way inside, kicking the door closed behind him. "Xander?" he called into the dark apartment. He was answered by a muffled sound from the kitchen. He moved in that direction quickly, depositing the brightly wrapped packages onto the couch.
"Xander, baby?" Angelus asked, entering the kitchen. When Xander turned to him, he kneeled beside the chair where his lover sat. "What's wrong?" he asked, feeling his heart tighten at the expression on Xander's face.
"Rhia called," Xander answered, his voice hoarse.
Angelus froze, staring at Xander. "What happened? Is something wrong with one of the babies again?" he asked quickly.
Shaking his head, Xander swallowed. "No, they're fine. Angelus, it's Xavy. He." His voice trailed off as a tear started trailing its way down his cheek.
"What?" Angelus asked. When Xander looked back up at him, he shook his head. "No. This isn't happening. He wasn't even sick. He was *fine* when we saw him last week, Xander. He was happy and laughing and he wasn't getting ready to die. What happened? If somebody killed him, I'll rip their hearts out."
Xander sighed and reached out a hand to press gently against Angelus' cheek. "Nobody killed him, Angelus. He just died. Sophie woke up this morning and found him on the floor in the kitchen. Rhia said it was a heart attack."
Pulling a chair closer to Xander, Angelus sat. "It just doesn't make sense. He seemed so healthy. How's Sophie taking it?" he asked.
Xander shrugged. "Rhia said that Sophie just sorta withdrew. Amy's been trying to get her to talk all day, but she just sits there staring off into space. Stephen drove down as soon as Rhia called him. Sam had to catch the earliest flight out of San Francisco. Sophie didn't want them all rushing when the funeral won't be for a couple days, but you know how those kids are."
Angelus smiled softly. "They love their mom."
Nodding, Xander sighed again. "Rhia said Sam's taking this pretty hard. You know how close she and Xavy were. She's been crying since she got there."
"Poor Samantha," Angelus sighed. "I can't imagine what Sophie must be going through, though. If I ever lost you. Oh god, Xander," he said, his voice catching slightly. "Xavy."
Moving to sit on Angelus' lap, Xander wrapped his arms around his lover's neck. He rested his head on Angelus' shoulder and closed his eyes. "I know," he answered softly. "What are we going to do?"
"We should go out there," Angelus said thoughtfully. "When's the funeral?"
"Day after tomorrow. I told Rhia that we can just go see him when we get there." Pausing, Xander tightened his hold on Angelus. "God, I miss him already."
Angelus gently wrapped his arms around Xander's shoulders. "I know, baby. I do, too," he murmured, rocking Xander slightly. "We need to call everyone to let them know. Spike and Willow will probably want to go with us. Oh, and Dru."
Hearing a knock at the door, they both shook their heads and rose to answer it. "Drusilla," they said even before the door was fully opened.
Dru was already dressed in a flowing black dress and her lip trembled as she looked up at Angelus and Xander. "My sweet little baby boy," she said softly, moving into the apartment. She was followed by her husband and the odd assortment of people who made up their circle of friends.
"Is it true?" Cordelia asked from her place between Faith and Trick. She wore the same mournful expression as the rest of the gathered people. "Is Xavy really." She paused, unable to finish her sentence.
Xander and Angelus both nodded slowly.
"Oh god," Willow breathed. "How are you two holding up?"
Biting his lip, Xander looked away before Willow's concerned expression broke through the last remnants of his will to not cry. So Angelus was left to answer for both of them. "We miss him. And we need to get to Baltimore."
"We'll go with you," Spike answered immediately. "If you don't mind, that is," he added when Willow shot him a disapproving glare.
"So will we," Dru said, allowing Ethan to wrap his arms around her. "I can't believe that our sweet little boy is gone."
"All right," Angelus nodded. "I suppose we should get going as soon as possible." Taking Xander's hand, he squeezed it gently. "Did you guys pack before you came over here?" When both couples nodded, he said, "Okay, good. Give us a few minutes to pack a few things. Then we can leave."
He tugged gently on Xander's arm, guiding him into their bedroom. He closed the door behind them and watched Xander as he sank onto the bed. Sitting beside his lover, he pressed his hand to Xander's cheek. "Are you going to be okay?"
Xander nodded slowly, closing his eyes and sighing. "This is just really hard."
"Yeah," Angelus agreed, rubbing his thumb in comforting circles on Xander's cheek.
"I love you," Xander said softly, placing his hand over Angelus'.
Angelus smiled gently and nodded. "I love you too, Xander." He paused for a few moments and then added, "We should probably get going." Rising to grab a suitcase, he quickly packed some clothes into it. When he was finished, he returned to his seat next to Xander. "Ready?"
Xander looked at him for a moment and then nodded. "I guess," he answered hollowly. "Thank you," he continued, standing and holding out his hand. When Angelus took it, he smiled gently. "Are we going to make it through this?" he asked, his tone almost fearful.
"I think so," Angelus replied. "We'll just have to help each other."
"And Sophie's going to need us," Xander said, relieved to be able to focus on something other than his own pain. "This must be so horrible for her. Okay," he said, taking one last calming breath. "Let's go."
Nodding, Angelus squeezed Xander's hand and guided him out of the room. They spent several minutes saying goodbye to their friends, promising to give Sophie their love and best wishes. Then, finally, the three couples left, solemnly getting into Spike's car for the long trip to Baltimore.
*****
Part 2:
The next few days passed in uneasy quiet as they took turns driving the highways that stretched across the United States. When they finally pulled into Sophie's driveway, they filed slowly up to the front door. A solemn Rhiannon greeted them at the door and ushered them in.
"How's your mom?" Angelus asked, hugging his granddaughter tightly.
"The same," Rhiannon said with a sigh. "We were hoping she would get better after a couple days. It's been a week, though, and the only person she'll talk to is Grams. They're both in the living room."
"She'll be okay eventually, honey," Xander reassured her softly. "Would it be okay if we talked to her for a while?"
Rhiannon nodded and moved forward to hug Xander. "Maybe you can help her," she said as she pulled away. "I'm gonna go help Sam and Stephen finish making dinner. Do you guys want to help?" she asked, looking at Spike, Willow, Ethan, and Dru.
"Of course," Willow answered for all of them. "We'd be happy to. Right?" The others nodded and followed Rhiannon into the kitchen.
Once the others had left, Angelus turned to Xander. "You okay?" he asked gently, reaching out to squeeze Xander's hand.
Xander smiled softly and nodded. "Not really. But I think Sophie's less okay than I am. So let's go see her."
They entered the living room holding hands and made their way to the corner where Sophie and Amy sat. Sophie was staring into the fireplace and Amy was watching her with an expression of concern on her wrinkled face. Neither noticed Angelus and Xander until they were standing next to their chairs and Angelus said softly, "Hey."
Sophie turned to him then, her eyes wide. She stared up at him for a long moment and the only sound in the room was the crackle of the fire. Finally she stood and stepped towards Angelus. She hugged him tightly, then pulled away and turned to Xander. Wrapping her arms around him, she sighed. "Hey," she said softly when she pulled away and stepped back. "How are you two holding up?"
"Not that well, actually," Xander admitted. "How are you?"
"About the same," she answered with a wry smile. "You know, we both knew one of us would die eventually. We talked about it a lot right after Dad died. Before that neither of us had really given much thought to it; it's hard to realize the inevitability of death when most of the people you know are vampires. But I never thought I would miss him this much. When I forced myself to imagine life without him, it never compared to this."
Angelus nodded. "I think I always just assumed that someday he would want to be changed. I never prepared myself to lose him."
"Yeah," Sophie answered quietly, staring off into space.
The three of them stood quietly, intent on their own thoughts, for a few minutes. Finally the silence was broken when Amy stood and coughed politely. "Well, I think I'll go see if the kids can use an old woman's help in the kitchen," she said, smiling gently.
"Oh god, I'm sorry mom," Sophie said quickly. "I'm being rude."
"Oh hush, honey," Amy answered with a firm shake of her head. "You're not being rude. You just have other things on your mind besides paying attention to me. I don't mind in the least." Turning to Angelus and Xander, she smiled softly. "You two take good care of her, okay?"
"Yes, ma'am," Xander answered.
An uneasy silence settled over the trio as Amy left the room and finally Angelus sighed. "There's just not any way to make this better for you, is there?" he asked, turning to Sophie.
Smiling gently, she shrugged. "I don't think I want it to be better. This is supposed to hurt, right? I couldn't live with myself if it was easy."
"Of course not," Xander replied. "But I think Deadboy meant that he just wishes he could make it a little less painful for you. I wish the same thing, sweetheart."
"I know you do," Sophie answered with a sigh. "And I appreciate it, I do. But I don't think there's anything you can do. I was wondering, though. Do you want to go see him? The kids haven't let me since the funeral. I need some time with him. And I think it would help both of you as well."
Angelus nodded slowly. "We want to talk to him. How was the funeral, by the way?"
"Oh, it was nice," Sophie answered, shrugging. "The girls arranged everything. They did a good job." Pausing, she sighed. "But there were too many people there. Xavy was well loved in this community and I'm glad for it, but I need some more personal time with him. Does that make sense? Probably not," she said with a wry smile. "Maybe I'm just turning into a batty old woman."
"You're not old, Sophie," Xander said. "And you're certainly not batty. If you need to spend time at Xavy's grave, then you should."
Sophie nodded. "Okay, let's go then," she replied. "I'll just tell the kids to go ahead and eat without us. Then I'll meet you outside. Okay?"
Angelus and Xander nodded and followed Sophie out of the room. When she turned to enter the kitchen, they opened the front door and stepped out onto the porch. They had to wait only a few minutes before Sophie joined them on the porch. She smiled gently as she wrapped a scarf around her neck and then made her way down the front steps, with Angelus and Xander following behind her.
The drive to the cemetery passed in silence, which was broken only by Sophie occasionally giving Angelus directions. When they pulled up next to the cemetery, a light snow had begun to fall. Xander looked up into the sky as the three of them got out of the car. "I didn't even realize it was cloudy," he murmured.
"You've been a bit distracted," Angelus answered softly, taking hold of his lover's hand.
Xander turned and gave Angelus a tired smile. "Yeah," he replied. Looking over at Sophie, who was staring at the dark cemetery with a blank expression on her face, he sighed. "Poor thing," he said softly. "I guess we should go in, huh?" There was a note of reluctance in his voice and he sighed when Angelus gave his hand a quick squeeze before letting it go.
"Yeah," Angelus answered, moving towards the open gate of the cemetery.
Xander followed behind him. When they reached the entrance, they paused and turned to find Sophie still staring through the fence at the neat rows of grave markers. Angelus made his way back to Sophie and took her hands in his. "Coming?" he asked gently.
She pulled her gaze away from the cemetery and looked up at Angelus with a confused expression in her eyes. "Oh. Yes," she said slowly. "I was just thinking. Sorry."
"No need to be sorry," Xander said, walking up to the pair. "We understand."
Sophie turned to look at Xander and nodded. "Yeah, I guess you do, don't you?" She took a deep breath and then sighed. "Okay, I guess we should go talk to him instead of standing around in the snow."
Nodding in agreement, Xander wrapped an arm around Sophie's shoulders and began walking towards the cemetery gate again. They passed under the wrought iron arch and into the graveyard quietly. Sophie pointed the way to Xavy's grave and they moved towards it, Sophie in the middle with Xander's arm still around her shoulders and Angelus to the other side of her.
When they reached the simple stone marking Xavy's resting place, Sophie murmured, "This is it."
Xander's arm fell away from Sophie's shoulders and he knelt in the snow to read the inscription on the marker. "Beloved son, husband, father, and friend," he read, tracing the words with his fingertips. "That's nice," he said as he turned to look up at Sophie. "Who arranged it?"
"Rhia," she answered with a soft smile. "Samantha wanted to put a quote from a poem on there, but Rhia insisted that Xavy would've wanted it to be simple."
"I'm sure he would," Angelus replied as he knelt beside Xander.
The two of them stared at the gravestone for several minutes, letting the image of their son's name carved into it burn into their minds. "I still can't believe he's gone," Xander whispered as a contradicting tear slipped down his cheek. "I expect him to walk up and ask us why we're all breaking the no brooding rule any second now."
Kneeling beside the couple, Sophie shook her head. "I believe he's gone. I've spent the past week knowing he's gone. But it still hurts every time I think of it." She paused and her lower lip trembled. "I hate this," she said, disgust in her voice. "I've never been this sappy and pathetic in my life. Xavy wouldn't even know me if he saw me crying the way I have been lately."
"Do you think he would have been any different if he'd lost you instead?" Angelus asked gently. "There's nothing wrong with crying over the death of someone you love."
"He was my best friend," Sophie whispered. "I think I could handle this better if I hadn't known him for so *long*. You know? It's like he was a part of me and now that part is just gone. And I don't know how to fix myself so that I can go on living without it. Does that make sense?"
Angelus nodded. "Of course it does. And I'm sure that people have been telling you that it'll get better with time. That's a lie. You'll miss him for the rest of your life. The two of you were too close for you to just get over him."
"I miss you, Xavy," Sophie said hollowly, staring at the grave marker. "Why did you have to leave me here alone? What about all those plans we made?" Her voice trembled as a tear made its way down her cheek. "We were going to grow old together. And spoil our grandchildren endlessly. And do all of those other things old people do. We're not old, Xavy."
Xander wrapped an arm around Sophie's shoulders as her voice trailed off into a hoarse sob. "It's okay," he murmured, holding his daughter-in-law tightly. Looking at the grave in front of him, he shook his head. "I think this was a mistake. How is being here helping anything?"
"No," Sophie protested, raising her head from where she had rested it on Xander's shoulder. "I wanted to come. And I wanted you guys to see where he's buried. Besides, I thought you wanted to talk to him."
"We do," Xander answered with a sigh. "I just."
"You just can't get all mushy with me here," Sophie said, smiling gently. "I understand that. I'll let you two have some time to yourselves. I'll be over by the car when you're done." Her voice was more hoarse from the crying, but she had regained some of her composure. Rising, she straightened her coat and walked slowly back towards the car.
Angelus and Xander kneeled quietly at the grave for several minutes after Sophie walked off. Finally the silence was broken when Xander sighed, a gentle exhalation of breath that would have been unheard by most people. "I guess everything comes back to us missing you, Xavy," he said, his eyes focused on the grave marker in front of him. "I've been trying to think of something else to say, but that's all I can think about at all. I miss you. I wish you were alive and here with us. And I hope that, wherever you are, you're happy."
Wrapping an arm around his lover, Angelus said, "Hey, Xavy. Your dad says it better than I can right now. I miss you, son. I promise that we'll take care of Sophie and the kids for you. And I hope that you're happy now, too. You know that I don't really believe in an afterlife, but I think that you're somewhere and that you can hear me." Smiling gently, he reached out and rested the tips of his fingers against the cold stone of the marker. "We should probably be going now. I'm sure your Aunt Dru and everyone will be by tomorrow night. We just wanted to see you tonight."
"He's really gone, Deadboy," Xander murmured, his gaze still fixed on the stone in front of him.
"Yes, he is," Angelus replied, nodding.
Turning to look at Angelus, Xander said, "I guess that's why we needed to come here. I couldn't actually believe it until I was here and talking to him. He didn't answer. I think that was what finally drove it home. I talked and he didn't answer. I wish." His voice trailed off and he fell silent.
"I know," Angelus answered as he tightened his arm around Xander's shoulders. "I do, too." Leaning towards the grave marker, as though the cold stone actually was his son, he whispered, "I love you, Xavy." Then he rose and held out a hand for Xander.
Xander took it and rose as well, pausing to touch the stone with his other hand. "I love you, Xavy," he said and then turned to Angelus. "Ready?" he asked with a small smile.
Nodding, Angelus smiled back. "Yeah."
Hand-in-hand, they made their way back to Sophie and their car, feeling decades older than they had in a long time.
*****
tbc