*****

I watched him from the distance, as I was wont to do ever since he came to Sunnydale, protecting and guarding him. I wonder why I went to such pains sometimes, seeing him and knowing that I could never have him, not as I once had. It would be too dangerous for us both. I�m not afraid of death; after all, I�m already dead. It�s him I�m worried about. I could not imagine a world without him in it.

I watched and I dreamt of what we had, our times in London that seemed so much like a dream now. Memories of that time kept on haunting me, and all the doubts surfaced again. Could I have stopped them from taking him if I tried harder? Could I have prevented it? But all the questions seemed useless now. It had been done and there was no going back.

I knew I shouldn�t have fallen in love with him. Right from the start I knew that our relationship was fraught with dangers but I hadn�t care. All I knew was that he loved me with his very heart and soul and I loved him too. However, when we were together, there was always a niggling sense of guilt in the corner of my still heart. What could I bring him after all? And if our relationship were discovered, it would mean his death.

I knew that when Merrick, Rupert�s mentor, whom Rupert had told about our relationship, had expressed his disapproval that I should have listened to him and break this unnatural love off. In the end, however, I had let myself be persuaded by Rupert�s eloquence and my love for him as had Merrick.

The sentence �The Council had found out� shattered my world when I heard it from Merrick. I knew what the Council would do if they found out about Rupert and I being lovers. Merrick had told me about it before in hopes of persuading me to break this relationship off.

I remembered the moment he was taken away as if it�s happening now. It was a scene that haunted my nightmares still. Towards dawn, the sound of the door bursting open woke me and men clad in tweed suits holding crosses, and bottles of holy water barged into our room. They forced me into a corner with their holy symbols. I watched helplessly, vamped out and snarling as they held Rupert down and injected him with something before taking him away, limp and unconscious. I tried to follow but the sun drove me back into our home.

I had never hated anything or anyone as much as the Council at that moment.

I remembered preparing to go out when the sun had set to look for Rupert when Merrick came. I dreaded what he had to say. From his expression, there could be nothing good. He told me then, that Rupert would not remember me. That the Council had removed his memories of what we shared. I was shattered and did not believe him. I could not. To do so would break me more completely than the guilt and remorse I had felt for the people I had killed as Angelus.

He would not tell me where Rupert was despite all my pleas and threats. It was better this way he said. I missed him so much, my soulmate, my love. His laughter, his touch, the way he looked at me, his sparkling eyes filled with promises.

I searched all over for Rupert but could not find him. Later, I found out that he had resigned. Months passed and my despair grew heavier and heavier, becoming more than I could bear.

I wanted to end my unlife. Without him, there was no meaning, no reason for me to exist but then I knew that I could never do it. If I had died, that would have been demeaning to our love. He loved me so much that he could give up his life for me. Surely I could at least live for him.

I remembered the day Whistler came to me about the Slayer. My heart filled with hope and joy. I knew Rupert was the Chosen Watcher. Surely they would send him to the Slayer. When I saw Merrick instead, fear gripped my heart. Has something happened to Rupert? Had our love caused him harm even though he could not remember our times together? The Council was a vicious bunch. I would not put anything past them. Not even the notion that they had killed my love. If that were the case, I would hunt them down and ripped them apart no matter how long it took me.

I wonder why I�m remembering all this now but the answer came to me even as I asked the question. It was the tenth anniversary of our first meeting and three days before he was taken away from me.

I was seized by a sudden impulse to see him up close. Surely it would do no harm. And there was something he needed to know. Making up my mind, I waited for sunset and set off for the library where I knew my lover would be.

������������

I stood in a dark corner of the stacks, watching Rupert taking two steps at a time, up into the stacks, drinking in the sight of him, like a man, or rather, vampire starved for blood. I had told Buffy when we first met that I was not her friend. Although friend was not a word I would apply to Rupert. No, we were lovers and something more�something that could never be.

I watched as my lover stopped, glancing around as if looking for the source of the music. It stopped and I decided to make my entrance, wincing as I accidentally stepped on a squeaking board.

�Who�s there?� Rupert asked in a wary voice. He walked towards a glass cupboard and looked into it, trying to see if somebody is sneaking up on him.

Taking the necessary steps forward, I stood silently behind him, looking into the glass, seeing his reflection and waiting for him to turn around. Rupert turned around and was startled to see me. As for me, I took the chance to examine him more closely. He�s still able to take my breath away�figuratively speaking. Although there were more worry lines, he still looked so handsome. I gave him a nervous smile, though deep inside my heart was sinking. He truly did not remember. Merrick had told the truth.

He looked at the glass panel again and I looked with him, wondering what he�s thinking. �A vampire casts no reflection.� He said before looking back at me, letting out a relieved though nervous breath. I guessed he was highly strung enough, without more surprises.

I could tell he was uneasy with me and I felt a sense of loss. He never felt this way with me before. I looked him in the eyes, trying to put him at ease. �Don't worry. I'm not here to eat.� At least not in the way he thought.

�Buffy told me you don't feed from humans anymore.�

�Not for a long while.� �As you knew long ago� I wanted to say but held my peace.

�Is that why you're here? To see her?�

�To see you,� I almost blurted out. �I can't.� I said, looking down for a moment before walking towards the wall and leaning on it. �It's, uh, it's too hard for me to be around her.� �Because she has what I could never have,� I thought bitterly to myself.

�A vampire in love with a Slayer!� he said in wonder. �It's rather poetic! In a maudlin sort of way.�

I gave him a quick sharp glance before looking away again. How wrong he was. I remembered him saying almost the same thing years ago, although it was a Watcher, not a Slayer. That time, the time I spent with him seemed so far away now.

�What can I, uh, what can I do for you?�

He turned his back on me, facing the other bookshelves. He was still nervous about me. I guess I couldn�t blame him. He didn�t remember. �I know you've been researching the Master.�

�Yes, the Vampire King. I've tried to learn as much as I can about him for the day that Buffy must face him.�

As dedicated to his work as ever. Which reminded me of my second reason for being there. �Something's already in motion, something big, but I don't know what. You've read all the Slayer lore there is, right?�

�I-I've studied all the extant volumes, of course. But the, uh, most salient books of Slayer prophecy have been lost. The Tiberius Manifesto, the Pergamum Codex--�

I was concentrating so much on his voice, how rich it was, how melodious, that I wasn�t paying attention until a word caught my attention. �The Codex?� I said.

�It's reputed to have contained the most complete prophecies about the Slayer's role in the end years. Unfortunately, the book was lost in the 15th century.�

I looked at his back, wishing he would face me. �Not lost.� A smile tugged at the corner of my mouth. I knew he would be delighted with what I�m going to tell him. �Misplaced. I can get it.� At last there�s something I can do for him directly. At the very least, it would give me a chance to see him up close and personal again. He looked at me with astonishment and hope on his face.

�That would be most helpful!� I smiled at his expression. He looked like a little kid who had just gotten his favorite toy. �Uh, m-my own volumes have been rather useless of late.�

I walked towards him for a better look at the titles of the books in his hands. I turned the book towards me so that I could see. My hand was so close to his that I could almost touched it. I resisted the temptation though. Now was not the time. �Legends of Vishnu?� I was puzzled. How could a book dealing with invisibility be related to Slayer Lore?

�There's an�invisible girl terrorizing the school.� He looked embarrassed.

�That's not really my area of expertise.� Wishing I could help him more.

�Nor mine, I'm afraid. Uh, it's fascinating, though. By all accounts it's a, a.�a wonderful power to possess.�

�Oh, I don't know.� I felt uncomfortable and looked towards the glass panel, away from him. �Looking in the mirror everyday and seeing nothing there. It's an overrated pleasure.�

There was a moment of silence between us. I could tell that he was sorry for his statement. Seeing him this way, I just wanted to grab him and kissed him senseless, kissing away his worries, his insecurities, everything. I wanted to keep him safe forever, never to have a single doubt or worry but I knew I couldn�t. �I should go and get the Codex for you.�

�Oh, uh, if it�s not too much trouble?� He looked hopefully at me. I could never resist him when he looked at me like that.

�No, I live nearby.� I left through the stacks, leaving him to his research. I stepped into the dark, leaving for my empty house, wishing he would remember and half afraid of what he would do if he did.

������������

I made my way to the school again, Codex in hand. That brief meeting had brought out my hunger to see him again. I used to think that if I could talk to him again, see him just one more time, I would be satisfied but I knew now that I would never be unless I could be with him all the time.

I entered through the basement since the janitor was near the entrance to the stacks and I did not want to delay seeing him again. As I walked though, I could smell gas. Something was very wrong. I stood still for a moment, concentrating. There, a soft sound of something hitting a metal door. I followed the sound and realized that that was where the smell of gas was coming from. I stopped in front of a door where the sound was coming from. It was getting weaker by the minute.

I broke the lock open and looked around the room. I looked down and saw Rupert, a handkerchief stained with red, wrapped around his left hand. The smell of blood, his blood and panic seized me. I grabbed him up, putting my hands under his shoulders, intending to haul him out. Once he was on his feet though, he pulled away from me, reaching for the boy. I walked over to the girl, felt for a pulse before bending and carried her out.

The boy was standing and I let the girl down, letting her lean on the boy. Rupert shut the door, one hand against the door to support his weight while bending over, trying to catch his breath.

�What happened?� The boy asked. I looked at him, glancing anxiously at Rupert, before looking down at the girl beside me.

�You tell me.� I�m furious. If I had arrived later or walked in through the stacks, Rupert would be dead!

�I'm up, mom.� The girl said, still in a daze.

�Hi! What do you want?�

That boy really got on my nerves. Ignoring him, I glanced from one to the other before settling my gaze on Rupert. �I brought you the Codex.� I reached behind me for the Codex I had put on the top of the container before breaking the lock and handed it to him. Rupert took it from me eagerly. �I came in through the basement. I smelled the gas.� I�m rather surprised that I sound so calm.

�Yes, w-w-well shut it off, otherwise, uh, the whole building will go up!�

�I'll get it. It's not like I need the oxygen.�

�Come on, let's get out of here.� Rupert said and led the kids up the stairs. I watched them disappear from sight before going into the room to shut off the gas. I decided I needed to head home, drink some blood and calm my nerves.

�Damn it!� I cried out and slammed my hand into the wall. Rupert almost died tonight and he would have never known what we had. I saw the past before me, as clear as if it was happening in the present. The end is the beginning and so it begins anew. Would I never be free from this unending torment? To have him so close to me, within my reach and yet having to keep my silence about what�s between us? Would I never have the courage to tell him? Angelus would but then I�m not Angelus. And Angelus would never accept no for an answer if Rupert rejected him. He has no love for anyone. I feared what would happen to my lover if I ever reverted back into Angelus again.

~~The End~~