*****
Part 1: Dreams - Giles POV

Dreams.

I have been having them on and off these past days. Erotic dreams which always start out with Ethan and I making love, and as it becomes more intense, his face would changes and blurs into someone else.

Angel.

I used to dream about him, but they were always nightmares; of him turning into Angelus, murdering Jenny, torturing me, but they were never dreams of an erotic nature.

It is incomprehensible.

Dreams are a part of the subconscious, providing us with solutions sometimes and yet, they can be indicative of things that we want unconsciously. What then, does it mean, that I dreamt of Angel and I making love?

I shudder to think that I could want him. He is a vampire; a creature of darkness, one that I was taught from a young age must be eliminated to protect mankind. His evil held in check by a spell, and as with any spell, it could be broken as it did once because of his love for Buffy. Besides which, I never felt any attraction towards him, at least I don't think so.

Why then, the dreams?

Or could they be a portent of things to come? That Angel will revert to Angelus in the near future? Slayers have prophetic dreams but not Watchers. Although in the long distant past, there were a few times when I have had them myself.

They could mean nothing at all, probably due to the sudden amount of free time I found myself with, 'a gentleman of leisure' as Willow called me; Too much time on my hands and my overactive mind and imagination start to play all sorts of tricks.

I had been studying, going through all the texts on dreams that I could find to try and discover the reasons why. I wished mightily that I could stop having them but instead, the dreams increased in frequency and intensity, so much so that I dreaded going to sleep. My books had been useless so far and I dared not bring Willow into this, even though she would have been a great help. I would have to explain to her and that, I could not do.

There was something strange in the dreams however. All of them had taken place in England which might not be all that strange since I started out dreaming about Ethan, but some of the places, I am sure that I had never been there before, and yet, the dreams had an air of.reality, I suppose, as if I had been there.

At times, it felt as if some memories were struggling to unveil themselves but always fading into mists.

The Council has some excellent resources on dreams and memory. If I am still a Watcher, I would call them but I'm not. I wonder though, if Eric has by any chance read them. I should give him a call and ask.

................

I woke from my fitful sleep to the sounds of someone knocking on the door. The children do not knock anymore, seldom coming over either. They have grown up but I miss having them around. Though, it is perhaps a blessing that they do not. They would have asked questions I could not answer. I glanced at the mirror, checking to see that I'm presentable, before snagging a robe and putting it on. By the time I reached the stairs, the knocking had grown louder.

"Coming," I shouted, hurrying down.

I'm not afraid of the caller being a vampire since I have not invited any in and there is nothing going on right now. Still, I wondered who it could be, knocking on my door in the middle of the night. I opened the door and stood frozen, staring at the figure standing outside.

"Giles," Angel said, standing there dressed in his usual black trench coat.

Oh my God, I can't deal with this right now, not after that dream. What's he doing here? He should be in LA, far away from me. Has something happened? Has he turned? Has--

"Giles?"

"A-Angel," I managed to get out, " wh-what are, uhm, you doing here?"

"There's something you need to know," he began.

I panicked. Has he been having dreams too? Could that be why he's here? Or had he somehow known that I was dreaming about him?

"-Buffy is in danger."

I should have known. Of course it was about Buffy. It was always Buffy. Wait, I did not catch his explanation. Had he explained? I did not want to ask him to repeat himself and yet.

"What did you say?" I tried not to look at him. It was too hard to face him, especially with the dreams, which Eric had no explanation for either. I could feel his eyes on me, and somehow, it reminded me of the dream I had the day before.

"A friend of mine had a vision of Buffy in danger and I thought I would come down." Angel said, looking concerned. "Giles, are you alright?"

"W-What? Yes, yes of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" I hurried to say, not wanting him to guess. "Couldn't you have just called?"

"No. If Buffy is in danger, I want to be here to help." Angel gestured with his hand. "May I?"

He wanted to come in. Why couldn't he just go away or stay elsewhere? Hadn't he caused me enough? I guarded my expression not letting any hint of my feelings showed and steeled myself before inviting him in.

We stood there awkwardly in the living room, not speaking for a moment, not knowing what to say. We never did talk about what happened between us, finding it easier to ignore. At least then, we could behave as if it never happened.

"How.how's Buffy?"

For a moment there, I thought he was going to ask after me and almost had a heart attack. Can he smell my fear, nervousness, confusion and, heaven forbid, desire? Do I desire him? Why do I have this urge to look at him, to kiss him, to.?

I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts and answer his question. He looked worried and.am I imagining things or has he come closer to me? Bloody hell, I'm going crazy!

I jerked away when he placed a tentative hand on my arm. He looked startled.and hurt?

"B-Buffy is, uhm, is fine, although I seldom see her these days. If you're looking for her, try UC Sunnydale. She lived in Stevenson Hall with Willow and patrols those areas now too." I said hurriedly.

Since he had not seen her in such a long time, he should be eager to see her, and that should get him out of my house as quickly as possible, hopefully never coming back. Instead of leaving though, he looked around the room and moved to pick up one of the books I had been researching.

"Dreams?" he frowned. "Has Buffy been having dreams?"

"No, it's a personal research of mine. Aren't you going to see Buffy?" I asked desperately, trying to change the subject.

There was a short pause before he replied. "Not directly. It's better that way. She won't get upset.and besides, I wouldn't know what to say to her."

Damn it. What must I do to get rid of him?

"Shall we start our research?" Angel asked and settled himself down, carefully placing the books on the chair onto the table.

I gritted my teeth and moved to join him. The things I do for my Slayer; for Angel was right, letting them see each other was going to make it harder to get things done.

This was going to be a long night.

................

I put down the phone, stunned. This was not good. Why must Buffy feel the need for a Thanksgiving dinner at my house? Of all the time for her to grace me with her presence, she had to pick the time when Angel was staying with me. I could just imagine the explosion when she found out.

And the dreams have been getting worse since he arrived three nights ago. Whatever the context, be it eating, walking, laughing, talking, kissing or making love, Angel starred in all of them. And when I was awake, all I wanted to do was to grab him, kiss him senseless and then shag him till we dropped from sheer exhaustion...

I must be going insane! How could I be having these thoughts about the man who Buffy loves even now, and who tortured me?

I'd tried so hard not to let any of my feelings show, but somehow, I must have slipped somewhere. He kept glancing at me when he thought I was not looking, throwing me puzzled looks and.some other expressions I could not describe. When I caught those looks though, I felt as if there was something I should remember, a certain feeling.

Damn it all to Hell!

Actually, if he had stayed there, I wouldn't be having these problems. At least I don't think so... No, I'm sure I won't.

This is stupid. A familiar pressure at my temples caught my attention, one that I have thought I need not suffered anymore. Bloody hell! I'm starting to have those awful headaches I used to have a year ago.

"Are you.feeling alright, Giles?" He asked hesitantly, as if not sure if the question would be welcome.

"Yes, yes. Of course I'm alright." I said quickly, trying to ignore the building pressure at my temples.

Angel raised an eyebrow at me.

"Fine!" I said with a touch of anger at my inability to hide my pain from him fully, and winced in pain when the headache started to become unbearable. "I've got a headache. Does that satisfy you?"

He moved towards me and reached out a hand to place against my forehead. I started to lean into it when I realized what I was doing and jerked away from him. He looked upset. "Do you have any painkillers?"

Instead of answering him, I moved unsteadily to the stairs. He looked as if he wanted to help me up and was restraining himself after my earlier reaction.

"Carry on researching. I'll be fine." I said, trying to hold on to the railings and hoping he wouldn't know how much the effort was costing me.

I turned and walked up slowly and after what seemed an eternity, reached the medicine box in the tallboy by my bed. Reaching for the once familiar pills, I swallowed two and washed them down with a drink from the pitcher of water. Leaning back against the bed, I rested my head. Slowly, the medicine started to take effect. The fog of pain and haze seemed to clear and I could hear the rustling of pages as Angel looked for clues.

Somehow, that comforted me; the knowledge that he was near and would be there when I needed him. Feeling drowsy all of a sudden, I climbed onto the bed and surrender myself to sleep, briefly wondering if I would see him in my dreams once again.

*****
Part 2: Hope - Angel's POV

I'm nervous, more nervous than when I first told him I loved him so long ago. It's amazing how a little thing like knocking on the door can make one so nervous, but, here I am, hands poised to knock and yet unable to summon the courage to let my hand fall against the smooth wood and wake the occupant within. During my drive from LA, I told myself again and again that I was only coming down to warn him of the danger Buffy would be facing, but in truth, I long to see him again and was worried about him.

It was, surprisingly, Cordelia, who first called Giles and since that time, they had spoken quite a few times. During those conversation, I would pretend to be doing something else while listening with great attention somewhere nearby as they talked. Vampires have sharp hearing, and I could hear their conversation. He sounded so alone and there was just a hint of wistfulness in them, as if he wished there was someone he could share his hopes and dreams with. When Doyle had that vision, I just couldn't resist the opportunity to see him again and reassure myself that he was fine.

Before I could persuade myself not to, I knocked on the door and waited. When there was no response, I started to grow frantic. Rupert had always been a light sleeper and the slightest sound would wake him, something I used to tease him about. Still, that fact did not help on that fateful day.

Bringing myself back to the present, I knocked louder, hoping that he was just too tired, too deeply asleep to hear me, and not any of the dozens scenarios running rampant in my head. I was just preparing to knock the door down when I heard his voice. The next thing I knew, the door was opened and he was standing in front of me, eyes wide and wearing a robe over his pajamas. I stood there, savoring the sight for a moment.

"Giles." I said and waited for a reaction from him. Nothing. In fact, if I was not mistaken, he looked close to slamming the door in my face. Now, I was really starting to be worried. "Giles?"

"A-Angel, wh-what are, uhm, you doing here?"

Stuttering, that's a sure sign that he's nervous. This is not good.

"There's something you need to know," I began and would have missed his panic had I not been watching him intently. "Buffy is in danger."

The word 'Buffy' brought his attention back to me, as I had known it would. There was a hint of indecision in his eyes.

"What did you say?" He asked, looking everywhere but at me. He's still uncomfortable with me. I did not expect otherwise, after what I had done to him but it still hurts. I know I have no right to be hurt by his reaction to me and God knows, I'm tortured everyday by the knowledge that I had tortured him, hurt him and raped him but I still wished that even if he never ever regained his memories of what happened between us so long ago, that we could still remain friends.

"A friend of mine had a vision of Buffy in danger and I thought I would come down." I explained and could not stop from asking my next question. "Giles, are you alright?"

"W-What? Yes, yes of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" He said hurriedly. "Couldn't you have just called?"

Something was very wrong here. I had planned to just tell him about Doyle's vision and then set off for LA, but now, I think he needs me more. I shall stay here, even if I'm not welcome. My worries about him are so strong that even if he rejects my help, I would watch over him until he got over whatever is troubling him. Doyle and Cordelia could survive without me for just a few more days. Besides, they would call if anything came up that they couldn't handle.

"No." I decided to lie. It was the only way that he might possibly let me stay. "If Buffy is in danger, I want to be here to help." I gestured with my hand, pointing inside the house. "May I?"

I can see him slipping on the mask of the Watcher, determined not to let his feelings interfere with his job of protecting the Slayer.

"Angel, come in." He said.

I could see the effort it took him to invite me in without a weapon in his hands but I pretended that I didn't notice and stepped inside. He closed the door and moved to join me. We stood there in the living room, an air of awkwardness hanging between us. I decided to speak first. There was no point in us standing there and feeling uncomfortable all night.

"How.how's Buffy?" I asked, changing my question at the last moment, afraid that he might suspect that I'm not here because of Buffy but him.

I looked at him but he seemed lost in thought. Before I could say anything, he shook his head as if to clear it. This is not like him. He's usually quite focused, especially when his Slayer might be in danger. I moved closer to him, and placed my hand tentatively on his arm, not sure of its welcome but hoping against hope that he would allow me to place it there. When he jerked away, I felt as if burnt and all my hopes seemed impossible to realize.

"B-Buffy is, uhm, is fine, although I seldom see her these days. If you're looking for her, try UC Sunnydale. She lived in Stevenson Hall with Willow and patrol those areas now too."

I listened, not really paying attention. I realized shortly before I turned that I had fooled even myself into believing that I really love her, when in truth, I had only hope to forget about Rupert by throwing myself into another relationship. I had even tried to make it work when I realized that I still love Rupert. Now, the only love I had for her was what a brother had for a sister. Nothing more.

One might wonder why I turned then. I knew I did. That moment when I was with her, she made me feel as if there's a chance that Rupert and I might be together again, though I'm still not sure why I had that feeling, and also because her innocence and passion reminds me of Rupert. And that's something I would never tell him even if he remembered everything about our time together. He would only feel guiltier.

As my eyes roamed the room, I noticed an unusual amount of books lying open, be it on the desk, coffee table, couch, etc. I picked up one of the books nearest to me and looked at it. It was about dreams. Could that be why he's so unsettled? Is Buffy having dreams of the end of the world?

"Dreams?" I frowned, voicing out my thoughts. "Has Buffy been having dreams?"

"No, it's a personal research of mine. Aren't you going to see Buffy?" He sounded quite desperate to change the subject.

For a moment, my heart leaped a little. Could he be dreaming? About me? His unease and earlier actions, avoiding my eyes and touch, gave me hope that he might be starting to remember something about our past. But then again, he could be having nightmares of the time I tortured him. That would also explain his actions.

The silence from him reminded me that I had not yet answer his question. "Not directly. It's better that way. She won't get upset.and besides, I wouldn't know what to say to her."

That's true anyway. I wouldn't know how to apologize, how to tell her that I don't deserve her love and that I only looked upon her as a younger sister.

"Shall we start our research?" I asked, deciding to make the first move, and sat on the chair, carefully placing the books on it onto the table. He grimaced but moved to join me anyway.

................

I found myself stalking the streets of Sunnydale once again. I had wanted to stay with Rupert but it was getting hard to be around him when I couldn't be with him the way I wanted. I had known it would be difficult, that my self-control would be sorely tested, and yet, I stayed. I wondered why I kept torturing myself this way but the joy I felt when I'm around him gave me the answer.

I had thought that he had remembered something but I suppose it was just my imagination. Sometimes, he would do or say something that brought hope to me but it was quickly dashed when he avoided eye contact with me. He flinched away from each contact and each time, it was like a knife twisting deeper into my heart.

I missed the easy friendship I had with him in the first two years of him being stationed here. It was the only thing I could have from him and now, it was gone too. Of course, it was gone long before, when I turned into Angelus but still, I had hoped that with time we could be friends again if nothing more.

Sounds of distant fighting caught my attention and I moved silently towards it, not wanting to draw attention to myself. It was Buffy and she was fighting a vampire. I stood, hidden from view by the tree's low branches and watched silently as she staked the vampire. She still looks and fights the same.

Seeing her again brought feelings of guilt for not giving her the love she deserved, for deceiving her and myself, and being untrue to the love I had for Rupert. She continued on her way and I did not follow. What would be the point? It was as I told Rupert. I won't know what to say. It is better to leave things as they were.

................

Once again I roamed the streets of Sunnydale. This was only the third night that I had been here and it was driving me crazy. I had told him that I would see if the local demon population knew if anything was happening and fled from the house before he could say anything. I did not want to do anything I would regret for the rest of my unlife. If I had stayed in that house one minute longer, I would have ravished Rupert regardless of whether he wanted it or not. That's how close I am to losing control. Once was enough. I did not think I could live with myself if it happened again.

Without knowing how, I found myself hiding in the trees near Stevenson Hall, looking up at Buffy's room. I could see her staring out of the window and wondered if she could sense me. In the three days I had been here, she had not visited or called Rupert.

None of them had.

I had thought that Rupert's loneliness had something to do with not having an adult he could talk to or a lover to share his burdens with but now, I knew that it was because of the Scooby gang. They used to make an effort to include him in everything they did but now, they seemed to have forgotten his existence.

I wanted to go up and demand an answer from her as to why she's treating my love this way but stopped myself before I could take more than a step. My control is frail at this moment and there is a high chance that I might let slip my relationship with Rupert. Not that I minded telling her, but she would then confront Rupert and upset him even more. He loves them and if they withdrew from him totally.I don't think he would be able to take it.

I would not allow anyone or anything to hurt him, not even myself if I was able to do something about it.

................

I watched surreptitiously as Rupert answered the phone, wondering who it could be. Out of respect for his privacy, I concentrated on the book in my hands, blocking out the conversation. The sound of the receiver being placed back on its hook brought my attention back to him. He did not speak and looked stunned at whatever news he had just received. As I watched, I could see that he was not feeling well. His face was turning white and he was clutching the edge of the table unconsciously.

"Are you.feeling alright, Giles?" I finally asked, unable to bear the sight of him trying to keep his pain to himself.

"Yes, yes. Of course I'm alright."

I could tell he was lying. His knuckles were turning white from the strength he was exerting to keep himself upright. I raised an eyebrow at him, letting him know that I knew he was lying.

"Fine!" he said and then winced in pain. "I've got a headache. Does that satisfy you?"

I moved towards him and placed my hand against his forehead, checking for a fever. For a precious moment, he leaned into my touch and I was reminded of the past. How I wished time would stand still, especially when he jerked away, as if realizing what he was doing.

"Do you have any painkillers?" I asked, preparing to go out and get him some if he didn't or take him to the hospital.

Instead of answering me, he moved unsteadily to the stairs. I wanted so much to help him but I knew he would not accept it, and so I stayed where I was, not wanting to upset him when he was clearly very ill.

He must have seen that I meant well for he spoke to reassure me. "Carry on researching. I'll be fine."

I could see the effort he was exerting just to speak and the pain he was in. He walked up the stairs slowly and my heart ached for his pain. Deciding that I could do nothing since he so obviously did not want my help, I sat back on the sofa, flipping the pages half-heartedly, and wondering how he was feeling.

I could hear the sounds of a drawer being opened and could only assume that he had taken the medicine. After waiting for some time with no sound drifting down from the bedroom and no sign of him, I quietly made my way to the bedroom.

I found him sprawled on the bed in the clothes he was wearing, the pills and a half drunk glass of water on the bedside table. He looked so peaceful lying there, and years younger too. I thought of helping him change into his pajamas but I did not think he would welcome the gesture in the morning. Instead, I slid a pillow under his head and covered him with the blanket.

Moving the armchair by the window to his bedside, I sat in it, watching over him, remembering happier times.

~~The End~~