*****

I had not been near this place, not since that time. There was never a need for me to do so. If Buffy did not need me now, I would not be here. As soon as I set foot into this place, I knew it was a mistake. Oh, I knew it was before I even came, but somehow, I had hoped that I could control it, to push it back enough to let me do what I need to. Instead, all I could see was the room where I was tortured by one of the very best.

Did she truly not know what it cost me to come here? And yet, she was, even now, inside HIS bedroom, worrying over him, soothing and comforting him. How about my comfort? I dedicated my life to her but all she seemed to care about was her Angel.

And, here I am, in Hell, reliving through the nightmares once again as I did every other day, except this time, my eyes are opened and I am truly here. The only route of escape was to stare into the neglected courtyard, hoping to distance myself from the memories that were even now creeping up on me in vivid techno-color, as the children would say.

My recollection of that time is sketchy but what I could recall were enough. The pain of bones snapping, betraying the world, and most of all, the pain of being tortured by someone one considered a close friend. The numbness and the wish that it would all end and I could be with my beloved Jenny again.

Mostly, I�m grateful that I can�t remember everything that happened to me, and yet, at the same time, I can�t help but wonder what terrible things happened then that my mind would block it out in an attempt to protect my sanity. Even now, it was rather difficult for me to face him. I do not know what enabled me to be able to work with him. I should have been delighted that he was poisoned, and yet, I found myself worried about him. Was it because he was once my friend, someone who shared my concern about Buffy and whom was older than me?

I do not know anymore. I had long since given up trying to discover what my feelings are towards him. I�d tried to avoid him, to hold on to my hatred but I could not. When I saw the hurt and apologies in his eyes, I found myself relenting, almost telling him he was forgiven, wanting to comfort him, but I always caught myself at the very last minute.

Sharp bursts of blinding pain. Damn this infernal headache!

Recently, especially since that time, I always have them when I�m thinking too much about him. Occasionally, I would have these strange wisps of faint feelings that I could never identify nor understand. Perhaps it was because of the memories I had suppressed of that time trying to surface, but then�

B-bloody�Hell�

I took a deep breath, trying to stay calm; forcing myself not to let any of the pain I am feeling show. After all, Buffy or even Wesley could come in any moment. I reached into my pockets for the pills Dr. Edward had prescribed, shook out two and swallowed them. Dr. Edward is a doctor from the Watcher�s Council, stationed over here in the States. The children never knew though we had been to him several times for those injuries that were rather difficult to explain to the hospital authorities. All they knew was that he was someone who knew about demons and vampires. Not even Wesley knew.

I don�t know why, but I trust him implicitly. Even when the Council sacked me, I trusted him. There was something strange though, something that had been puzzling me for some time though I had never gotten around to ask him.

He was more horrified than he should be when he saw the injuries Angelus had inflicted on me. As a doctor who had been with the Council for more than twenty years, treating all sorts of injuries suffered in the line of duty, it should not have shocked him as much as it did. A few times, during my treatment and the follow-ups, he seemed on the verge of saying something but always clammed up at the last minute.

There was a particular instance that I remembered clearly, and which first clued me in on the fact that he was hiding something from me. I went to him to fill up the medication for my headaches but he refused, saying that he was out of stock, and yet, I had spied some in the cabinet earlier, while he was checking over my wounds. His obvious agitation held me back from disagreeing with him though. That night, he came to my house with a new bottle of the pills, saying that they had come in after I left.

Footsteps.

Wesley is back. I wonder if he had found something?

�����������.

Buffy has quit the Council.

I could not help but wonder what the future holds for her. As unreasonable as they may be, they still had resources that she might need. Still, this was no time to be debating about the wrongness and rightness of her decision. It was done. All efforts should be concentrated on destroying the Mayor and yet, she was out looking for a cure for her lover, her angel.

I wonder what possessed me to agree to look after him but I did. I suppose I better look in on him. I hesitated, an irrational fear seizing me for a moment. Ruthlessly, I shoved it away before walking in. After all, he could not hurt me now, as ill as he is.

I stood at the door, watching. He�s lying on the bed, drenched in sweat and he�s delirious. He looked so�vulnerable. It would be so easy to kill him, to make him pay for all he did to me. And yet, I stayed my hand, as I did when he came to me for help. Though, it was a close call. I almost pulled the trigger that time. Somehow, the thought of killing him caused me pain, as if I would be losing something�precious to me. I could not imagine why that would be so, although I did tried killing him once�no�no, I did not. I was trying to get him to kill me, to end my grief. As was the time when I insulted him and Spike, of all persons, prevented it.

A moan of pain came from him. Without knowing how or why, I�m suddenly by his side, reaching out a hand to smooth his damp hair back from his sweaty forehead, to offer him comfort. I suddenly found myself with the urge to kiss him and snatched my hand back as if burnt, shocked by what I�m feeling at the moment. What the Hell am I doing? What was happening to me?

Bloody shit! The pain--

Pressing my hands hard against the temples, I tried to ride it out but it just kept increasing in intensity. I just took the pills, for God�s sake! Hands trembling, I swallowed two more pills and waited for them to take effect. Closing my eyes, I leant against the bed. In the silence, all I could hear were his groans of pain and the pounding of my head drowning out everything. If Faith or one of the Mayor�s minions came in, we would be easy pickings, sheep for the slaughter.

I could stand it no longer. Keeping one hand pressed against my head, I made my way to the phone and called Willow. I�d tried to keep the pain out of my voice and must have succeeded for Willow did not ask any questions, only that she and Oz would be here as soon as possible. Immediately after hanging up, I left for Dr. Edward�s. He would be able to help.

Somewhere on the way, I kept seeing blurred images in my mind but the pain in my head kept me from trying to see clearly. All I cared about at that point was having the pain gone.

�����������.

Floating.

So light and free.

I haven�t been so free for so long. Was there a time when I was? Drifting amidst memories, written in different colors, it seem that the darker colors are more prevalent then the brighter ones. Are there so many unhappy times?

Wait a minute!

What�s this? Another blank spot? But this one was so much earlier than when Angelus had me in his hands, much earlier. If the other is the time when Angelus tortured me, then what does this one mean? And are those swirling colors of rainbow beneath it? They looked so faint, almost invisible.

Now, that was a puzzle. I could not recollect these events at all. Had there been another incident so horrible that I had blocked it out? But it couldn�t be. If I�m not mistaken, these should represent happier times. Why on earth would I block it out? Curiosity piqued, I floated towards it, wanting to find out what it represented but was drawn away by the heady smell of herbs.

Faint sounds of arguing.

Voices rising in anger.

What are they arguing about? I tried to concentrate on what they were saying but they stopped suddenly. I must have made some kind of sound or movement. Vaguely, I thought I heard someone telling me to sleep, and there was a faint prick of needle on my arm.

Before I drifted off into emptiness, I thought I heard something about lovers, and my name in conjunction with another.

Angel.

�����������.

The sensation of someone shaking me and calling my name woke me and I found myself in the guestroom of Dr. Edward�s house. I could not remember how I got here but I�m relieved to find my headache gone and ready to face the day again. Dr. Edward sat beside me, his expression guarded.

For a brief moment, I sensed hostility from him. He was looking at me in a way I had never seen before. What could be wrong? Was it the Council? Had they ordered him not to help Angel? But since he did not know Angel, why would he be so troubled? He mumbled something about being glad to see that I am feeling better but avoided my eyes.

Then he told me that Willow had called him when she could not find me, knowing I sometimes came over for a chat; my Slayer was in the hospital, having been drained by Angel.

Angel.

Why was it always him? I should feel angry that she endanger herself when we have a difficult battle ahead of us but somehow, I could not. I do not know why, but I thought that I understood.

That I had done something�similar once before?

Sensing his discomfort, I thanked him and took my leave. At the door, he finally met my eyes for a brief moment before closing the door. I was stunned for a moment by what I thought I saw in his eyes in that short glance.

Sympathy, deep pain and regret.

Perhaps one day, after the Mayor is defeated, I will come back and talked with him. And I will not take no for an answer. I could not help but feel that there is something important that I had forgotten about the previous night. Something that had happened while I was on my way to Dr. Edward�s, or was it while I was there. Something that was very important to me. And that Dr. Edward knew what had happened or at least had an inkling of it.

The cool night air helped to refresh my mind as I made my way to the hospital. Two faint words kept appearing in the back of my mind though, almost overriding my concern about Buffy�s welfare.

Angel.

Lover.

~~The End~~